Reality of the Situation

It's been 5 1/2 weeks since things abruptly ended with Daniel. And I'm still feeling... Lost. Empty. Confused. Missing him. Like it was a mistake.

I'm also somewhat angry at him. This, I believe, was a stronger match than how he presented his last two relationships, and he pissed all over it. He ruined it by first, not taking care of himself and being truly ready for me, which was incredibly selfish on his part. One of his favorite quotes is about love serving others- one of my favorite concepts about love is meeting your partner with a servant's heart. You care not just about them, but for them. You take care of each other. You don't just think about yourself. You consider all parties. He didn't do this.

Beyond that, he was dishonest about his relationship history. When we talked about it, he mitigated it by saying he "pushed back the dates," but the truth is he just lied. The first lie, which was understandably rooted from self consciousness, embarrassment, or something similar (he said he liked me so much and just didn't know what to say), consequently led  to another, and another. While I absolutely  feel I got to know the spirit of him as a human, I missed huge chunks of his life experience by not knowing what he had been through not just that last year, but those last few months, and that deeply affected our relationship. Even him just hiding his photo albums on Facebook did that. That's your life buddy. You don't need to pretend it didn't happen! I want to know ALL of you!


Oddly, and I have no idea if he ever reflected on this, but we really rose above all of the baggage he kept dragging into our relationship. We worked hard-pretty naturally- and swam through it. We were good with each other. Even my stuff- I have pretty bad anxiety at times, and I fed off his depression and confusion like it was kindling. He clearly was a bit stressed by it at the end, but he also listened to me with an open heart when we talked about it, if I at least felt he did. I felt heard. I also felt like he was a good calming piece for me. We each have our challenges in life, anxiety has been one of mine the last couple years. I've worked hard to manage it and since I haven't always had it, I hope it'll die down with time and as life stressors reduce. He was a good support to me. I think he knew that; I hope he did. We were good partners.

Which again brings me back to question why he bailed. I never would have left. I would have worked with him through any array of shit to that point, as long as we did it as a team. Just don't shut me out. That was my one real deal breaker.


What prompted me to write today- tapping this out on my phone, on a blow up mattress in my teenage bedroom at my dad's house no less- is the awful thought I had today is this relationship that ended 51/2 weeks ago will soon be rendered meaningless. Probably first by him, and eventually by me too. Realistically speaking, we only dated a couple of months. I can argue three months, and I can honestly say we dated "all last fall," because that's true, but it was an incredibly brief period of time in comparison to the big picture of our lives. The intensity of our relationship is going to fade- especially if we are both working at it. We've wiped each other off social media (something I regret with every part of my being and it feels likes yet another loss) and there is no communication between us. My gut says the Sacramento area now holds bad memories for him, and like after his first serious relationship ended, he's going to move once school ends. And honestly, that's kind of where I am at as well. I'm so angry this is where we are at because it shouldn't have turned out like this. It's truly absurd. Even K and I are friends, but Daniel and I... He won't even speak to me. What did I do? I loved and supported him, and worried about his well being. I'm sorry that's wounding to you? What? I mean, I do understand. If he has anything remotely in the same ballpark of feelings for me like I do for him, then it would be upsetting to interact with me. And yet, we don't have to be apart, that's a choice you felt you had to make, so... Why are we separated if you have feelings for me? ... I'm being critical here, I know. And it's unfair. I know that too. But I miss him. I wish he was in my life. It's yet another loss. I've had so many of those...

Which leaves me with these cringe inducing thoughts. One day not long from now he'll be in a relationship with someone else (some bitchy ho) and he'll say, "Yeah, I went to X spot once, this girl I went on a couple dates with took me there I think. Don't really remember." And that'll be it.




This extremely meaningful, soulful, connected, most special relationship I ever had is going to be reduced to a big old nothing. Forgotten and faded away. Maybe that's why I like Ryan Adam's "Wildest Dreams" so much.

Little Rock trip with Sarah and cutting ties with Daniel

Sarah was basically my best friend when I lived in Oregon. She was the long term girlfriend of a guy in my program and they had moved cross country together. Their relationship ended during our time in the program and she and I spent an extraordinary amount of time together while she tried to heal and work through things. After I moved back to California, she moved back to Arkansas.

After Daniel and I broke up, I was obviously melting and I bought tickets to go see her right away. She had just gotten her own apartment and we arranged for a long weekend for the soonest I could get tickets, which turned out to be right before Christmas.

Coming into "Bill & Hillary Clinton" airport was totally crazy. Our plane circled for hours because they couldn't get the flaps up on the wings to help slow the plane down! So they announced over the loud speaker to brace ourselves, buckle in tight and be sure all of our crap was really strapped in good because we were going to come in FAST- but... it's totally fine. The landing was for sure fast, and we definitely used the whole runway trying to slow down and stop. It was pretty bumpy, but not bad! What was bad was the hour or two (I can't remember anymore) of circling in rough air. I got off the plane, beelined for the bathroom, and puked. But I felt much better!

Once we landed though, we realized our plane was surrounded by firetrucks and ambulances- is that reassuring or not so reassuring?!

Sarah was waiting for me at the exit point and we did the amazing running into each other's arms and screaming thing. it was great. Then she took me straight out for booze and snacks. :)

 We had some rosemary gin drink! It was baller.

After that we went to her grandparent's house to see DEXTER, my beloved pretend dog. He is Sarah's dog, but I used to steal him all the time when we were both in Oregon so my dog Charlie could havea playmate! And when I would go out of town the two dogs would stay together so they wouldn't get lonely. I love Dexter. Sarah calls me his better Mama. lol

 Okay, so the dog is a little dumb. He's very lovable though,

From there, we went off to introduce me to the local delicacy- CHEESE DIP. Similar to nacho cheese, or queso, but both more sophisticated... and not. It is kind of like melted plastic, but made with heavy cream. It is amazing. I could drink the stuff. Truly, it is AWESOME. I love it! Apparently it is something mostly unique to Arkansas? Other places call it different things but the texture and flavor here is pretty different than what I have sampled in the Southwest or in California or Texas. It's delicious.

From there, we went to a brewery opening, the closing night in an old music venue,  and a cool hipster bar in an old victorian. All stellar. Loved it all. Sarah also took me to her work at a juice bar, and I got walked through a series of free samples, which were delcious, and... interesting. (Some of them were a tad too healthy... aka they tasted like dirt.)

I had been doing really well and having a pretty great time until I got to the juice bar. When I took the above picture of my juice samples, I posted it on instagram. And instantly... I saw I had one less follower.

And I knew who it was. So I checked. Daniel had unfollowed me, right then. I stood in the shop with my mouth agape and Sarah saw me from across the shop and shouted "WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!" So I told her and she walked over muttering, "What the fuck?" and so I showed her and immediately the discussion turned to- you have to cut him off. Because this is happening. He's going to cut you off.

For all that Daniel and I agreed to when we broke up. For all of our mature discussion and agreements, my giant fear of abandonment was starting to happen. The reason I had laid it all out there when we broke up was because I wanted to know what to expect. If we are going to do no contact, then let's just agree to this right now. Then I know it's happening. If we are going to be friends, let's agree to whatever boundaries we need right now. Because I do NOT want any surprises, because THAT is going to hurt the most. But one by one he was breaking our agreements. He had stopped returning my messages, and now, although it might seem small to someone else, him unfollowing me to me said other things were coming. He was going to cut me off. Unless I did it first.

This really put a huge emotional knife through the whole trip because I could not think about anything else. I feel bad for that, but at the same time, it was where I was at. I needed emotional support. I had been there for Sarah when she was fucked up, so hopefully it was tolerable for her that I was a big flipping basket case. Ugh.

We stayed up late talking about it- for hours, and got super drunk and talked and talked and talked. And ultimately, it was deemed worse if he did it rather than I because he would be taking my power away. And I couldn't stop him from doing it. But like Sarah said, it's like he was doing these tiny little things in hopes that I wouldn't notice. The fade out. Who would notice a dropped follower? Except all of my followers were friends, so of course I did. And I had already been worried. I felt so insecure.

I didn't sleep all night and kept waking up and checking my phone to see if he had cut me off. He hadn't. Finally, early the next morning, I deleted him off all social media. I checked everything again- and he was re-added! So then I had to re-delete him again, which was excruciating. I cried and cried. If felt like I was breaking up with him, and cutting him off. Which is not something I wanted to do. It's not even something I believe in. Unless the relationship is truly toxic (and I have had a couple of those) I don't believe in cutting people off. Certainly not with someone I was in love with. But I didn't trust him. I didn't trust him not to leave first. So I cut it off. It felt like I had killed us. It was terrible. I don't understand how we got to this place.

I told Sarah when she got up and she affirmed it was the right thing to do. I had been obsessing and it was the only way to stop- and also to take back some control. Because all that was happening right now was he was leading and controlling everything.

The one thing I was very adamant about was informing him what I did. I did not want to disappear without an explanation. I didn't really believe in what I was doing, but if I was going to do it, I was going to tell him I did it, and why. Because he deserved that- as someone I loved. I needed to do that for me. Even if he did shitty things, I think people deserve goodbyes for their own process. Sarah, her therapist boyfriend, and I worked out what to write together and I mulled over it for a few hours.

Sarah and I went hiking up a little mountain that afternoon called Pinacle Peak.

When I got to the top of the mountain, I sat down in the cold and hit "send."

"Hey, just wanted to reach out to you a final time.. I was under the impression we were going to continue a friendship, but that doesn't seem like something you're interested in. 

I want you to know I really appreciated the relationship we had; it meant a lot to me, and it truly sucks we can't be friends or hang out or interact. I genuinely felt like I grew in so many ways because of you, and I valued that so much. You impacted me in such a good way. I mean that. 

That being said, I felt it necessary to remove you from social media. Not to close us off from a friendship or a future, but for my own protection and preservation.  I know this deviates from what we discussed, which is why I wanted you to know, so it would not be an upset for you. It's purely to take care of myself. If you'd like to open a conversation about a friendship, please feel free to do so- I am here. But until then, I am leaving this alone as it seems like you do actually want to cut ties. I hope you're well, and that you know how much I care."

And I cried. And Sarah hugged me. And we sat in the cold on top of the peak for a bit before we made our way down as the sun set.

Opposites. Because I was at the highest peak for miles, but the lowest I could possibly feel.

Without Hope

I have never felt so deprived of hope before. Like my soul is empty.

After Matt, I am beginning to realize, my grief was two fold. Mourning the person was one thing. It felt like he died. Mourning the lost dreams was another, but it was the trauma itself that caught me for so long. I muddied these things all together, but the grief for the actual person and relationship, had it been it's own separate thing would not have taken as long had it not been for the trauma. It was the trauma that was the problem. Of course for those of you that have read this blog for a long time may feel like that's a "duh," but for me, I'm just getting there.

The day I walked out of Daniel's house, it was like this little light inside me blew out. This little candle I had kept protected and sheltered had been abrupted gone dark, like someone slammed a door too quickly. The hope felt gone. I don't know that I've ever felt that way before. Maybe that is my brain protecting me from the feelings I felt during that awful time after Matt, but maybe not. My heart says not.

Before, I questioned the world, how can there be someone else out there for me, when this fictionalized person invented this perfect person for me? I worried and wondered if someone could exist.

I don't feel that way this time.

Before I always felt that there was something. Something greater out there.

And I don't this time.

It just feels like... The love is gone.

Both during and after Matt I had love quotes hung up all over my house. I got a necklace that said "All is Well," and another that said "Hope." I wore these necklaces so much the chains rotted and I had to replace both necklaces a couple of times. I really believed them though. I wore them as reminders as what I believed.

I have these two framed quotes in my bathroom, "If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all of my life." and "Your Mr Darcy is Out there."

I've had these forever.

I tried to wear my Hope necklace a couple of times the last week. If I had no hope, maybe I can wear it, and the belief will come. But when I woke up with it on my neck this morning it felt like a lie and I had to take it off. I don't believe that right now. It's not that I don't think there are plenty of people in the world that lots of people can "make it work" with. There are. But now having had something different... I just don't know what to do with all of my feelings.

I had to turn all of the love quotes in my house to face the walls last week. Many I hid under the bed or under couches. And I'm about to take the two ones I quoted above and remove them as well. I just do not believe in them right now. It's too painful to look at.

It's not that I don't believe he is out there. It's that I am afraid he was.