The thirty something single wanderer

What exactly is it that I am supposed to be doing right now?

I'm 34. I am single. I have a good, stable job that generates enough income to both pay my bills and purchase the occcasional plane ticket. I even get to blow money at Target from time to time and they haven't threatened to cut the power off in my house for months. I threw an extra $50 at my student loans last week. I don't want to be in a relationship again. At least not in the foreseeable future.

Now what?

I feel restless, depressed and unhappy. Something is missing. Maybe a lot of things are missing.

This dissatisfaction I feel overall is pretty high and I spend most weekends wracked with anxiety and crying over I'm not even sure what. Missing Clifton. Missing an emotional connection with anyone really. I'm not close to my family and while I would like to have that, we just aren't a match.

I went out last night with some friends and that was fine, but when it was said and done it didn't really feel like me anymore. Standing in a cold garage listening to a band play, I felt irritated and tired. I wanted to go back home and sit on the couch in front of the tv.

But when I am sitting at home, I feel anxious and tired. Sitting at home all day I am overwhelmed with emotional exhaustion and often fall asleep. What is wrong with me? Is this all just depression? Or am I running ragged?

I'm working over 50 hours a week on site at work and some hours beyond that at home. Then I'm taking 6 units at Berkeley. That requires 8 hours of commuting a week, which in turn requires a whole lot of decompression time. I'm an introvert and on my non-class days I really just want to be away from people. I do enjoy my commute, but I feel tired. My sister was diagnosed with cancer recently and it's very serious. But we also don't have a relationship and not to make excuses but my schedule overwhelms me when I try to think of some way to help. I would like to help and I offered to, but when I get to the days I am home, I am looking at 10 hours of homework. A trip to the grocery store for myself is difficult, let alone for someone else; cooking and driving 40 minutes elsewhere and delivering a meal in a timely manner seems impossible. Even writing that and thinking about executing or planning that again overwhelms me. And that's just the functional parts. That's not even touching all of the emotional baggage that goes with that interaction, which is huge and stressful. She and I are not a match for each other. I want to be there. But I don't know how to cope with any of this.

Back to the beginning.

I'm looking for something more. I would like to move. As my friend said, I have outgrown Sacramento. I am bored. I want more. I need something fresh. I also need emotional support and I don't have a support system here. My friends aren't here and the ones that are aren't really a fit. They are younger or older or in different life places. I don't have much in common with couples of any age-and their primary interest is in getting me coupled- or using me as a temporary escape from their partner. Squeezing me in here and there. Single folks much younger or much older have different agendas. I don't really know anyone in my same life place. I can't honestly think of a single person with a relatable position. So now what?

I started classes at Berkeley last spring but I haven't met a close friend in that group yet. One person I enjoy, but keep in mind, they live in the bay, and this many months in and I still don't have their email  or phone number. We aren't exactly besties.

I would like to move somewhere out of state. The mid Atlantic, or Northeast or Pacific Northwest. I'm not really sure. I'm at least a year from being able to make such a move, but it's on my brain. I would need to be really smart and calculated about doing such a thing. I'd have to complete my program at Berkeley first, and apply for jobs. The latter could take a year all it's own. I'm not sure. Getting this job took 18 months. I don't think I'd be willing to leave for a pay cut and living in a more expensive area or for a lower quality of life. I have it pretty good already- I would want equal or an upgrade. It's not an end all be all, but I want to keep moving forward career wise and get to where I want to be in higher ed.

Something else is missing though. I'm not really sure what it is though. Maybe that connection with another person? Clifton leaving me behind certainly left a huge void in my heart. He was such a huge emotional support and his absence is difficult. I miss him, every day. He was so good to me. It wasn't perfect, but it was so, so good and I really couldn't have asked for more. I think of those 7 months and it feels like a whirlwind though. I was like a little torpedo I was moving so fast. I feel like I was very demanding and needed so much all the time. I'm not sure if that's an accurate perspective but I feel that way right now. I always needed to be stimulated and to go out and be busy and I was always just... so fast. Now I move so slow. I always want to be home and do nothing and that feels good. Clifton would enjoy my rhythms so much right now. Laying in bed and doing nothing forever. This was basically his ultimate fantasy. I wish I could show him I like being quiet sometimes too. It's odd looking back on those months. They were SO HAPPY for me. Like I was so pumped full of happy hormones I couldn't slow down. I have no idea. Now I'm so full of sad I am just marinating in it.

I miss him. Maybe that's what I am feeling. All that remains now is the memories.

Personal Practice (Clifton)

[A proposal of words to say upon meeting after a shattering of hearts.]

Thanks for meeting me. 

I'd like to talk a bit before we do anything else. 

I need this for me. 

I feel like we are making a huge mistake here. 

I feel like I said and have been saying all of the wrong things and have been really rude and insensitive because I just didn't think how it would come off to you.  

It didn't really occur to me until the weekend but, when I thought I was trying to check in with you, it probably just sounded really complain-y and passive aggressive on the couch that night. 

When I really thought about it, it probably sounded like an ultimatum. Which is not what I have meant at all. All I wanted was to hear what you thought and I 1.) don't think I ever asked that question very well and 2.) I think you tried to tell me as best you could that that's just not something you can do right now and I could not hear you. 

That's mea culpa. 

I've never done this before and I know that's a really lame excuse but it's the truth and I'm really sorry for how that felt on the receiving end. It probably sounded like some kind of fucked up all or nothing and never in a thousand years did I think that. If I thought that's what a relationship had to be like, I can totally see being apprehensive about being in one. 

I'm really sorry I did that to you.

Clifton, when I told you I was committed, I meant it. Our relationship can be whatever we want it to be. We can set whatever boundaries or rules we want. If we each need more alone time to do stuff that's OK. This is our relationship and we set the rules. I had told you I was so bored lately. I realized in the spring I had class one night, yoga another and homework! My life was crazy. No wonder it feels so empty now. It's not your responsibility to fill every hole. 

I just love having my buddy to share life with and that's what I want to do. I need to find some balance here. I love being home but I need to find ways to be intellectually stimulated away from work because it's so stressful. I know you already have a lot of this figured out. I really want us to start fresh here. I really believe it would be a mistake not to. It would be a disservice to us both to not fully see this year out. Our relationship is the BEST and we have so much more to do with each other. I really do not care about the rest as long as I'm with you. 

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Easter Brunch at Evan's Kitchen

This was such a fun date! Clifton had been boasting of his bottomless mimosas with his roommate at a neighborhood joint in East Sac and I wanted in on the fun. I had honestly hoped to crash their party but the two of us ended up going together and that was just fine. I had never spent a holiday with a boyfriend before and it was really sweet and special! The bunny had left us baskets in the morning, and we had brunch after! :) It was a rainy day and the 57th Street Antique Mall was closed- Clifty really had wanted to take me, but we had such a sweet morning. I had a tri tip eggs benedict, but with the eggs scrambled because runny eggs are so gross to me.

We took so many pictures outside afterwards. Such a good, good day.

It is so nice being with someone who isn't shy of taking pictures with me! This has always been such an issue for me and this was just effortless!

He wore a red hat (Clifton)

Two months after Geoff and I broke up and after I found out he had rebounded with another girlfriend, I went back on OKCupid. I don't remember a whole lot about being back on there, expect pretty immediately finding this particular profile that struck my attention.

A witty, craftily written piece of prose that just prompted a response on my end. There were some deep in the weeds questions that sort of nagged at me, but I was simply giddy at the thought of writing this bearded man with the big black rimmed glasses. Three hours later his clever response sat in my inbox.

Back and forth our messages flew. For a couple of weeks we wrote each other and then we swapped numbers. I don't usually move this fast, but this going right, right from the beginning. It was easy, it was witty and the banter was fresh. Then one day, he owed me an email and didn't answer. Then the texts disappeared. I was disappointed, but I let it drop off. Thus is the nature of online dating. I assumed his relationship status had changed or it simply got too close to the holidays.

Almost six weeks later, I got a text- from Clifton! An apology for the delayed response and a flirtatious request for a date. We were back on. I slyly asked him what girl he had broken up with, but he denied it. He said things had been going so well between us he had gotten nervous with all of the pressure and it had turned into a "thing" and he hadn't known how to respond and it built into a situation where he just couldn't respond. It all sounded ridiculous, and yet, completely relate-able. Out on a friend date with his friend Alesha, she heard the story and demanded he text me on the spot, and apparently he did.

Our first date was fr Milkshakes at Vic's in Land Park. When he made the date I looked up the sweet little 50's diner and saw they closed a mere hour after our 8pm date time. I thought of mentioning this, but ultimately decided, he's the guy, let him steer it. For all I know, he planned that on purpose. it also leaves me with a smooth getaway if I don't like him.

Per usual, I was awash with anxiety on the drive over an by the time i walked up, I wanted to throw up. Then I saw him sitting outside the shoppe. With that red beannie. With... a little Indian girl pin? It turned out to be a pin of Rory Gilmore but I swear on my life it looked like a little Native American Girl pinned on this fire engine red beanie. With his bright red beard and harsh glasses. Why did he wear that hat?! I immediately thought, "NO!" and was grateful for the hour time limit. ...But then we started talking.

The jokes never stopped, and neither did the banter. I was full throttle on the jokes and suddenly found myself telling him about his book I had started to write once. How had we gotten on this story? He had a degree in English and liked to write and suddenly I found myself not quite pea-cocking, but being inadvertently vulnerable even though I hadn't quite meant to be. We drank our milkshakes, but Clifton had an uneasy eye on the soda jerks- they were cleaning up and he didn't want to hold them up. We were the last ones in the shoppe. We slurped up the last of our shakes and walked outside. We exchanged an awkward hug and I stammered out a few more quick comments before- in Clifton's words, sprinting to my car.

He had wanted to ask me for a walk, but never actually articulated the words. I felt I stood there awkwardly and he had made no motion or suggestion of another activity and I didn't want to stand in the parking lot alone after this mini date. I wasn't sure if either of us were interested so off I went.

Apparently we were both interested. We were just pre-heating.

I always find this odd plot twist with boyfriends to come. My immense hesitancy, holding back, refusal to cooperate and ultimately the feeling of "love comes softly." Ultimately this should be how I know this is the one who I am going to be paired with in short order but I never quite see it coming.  The gentle man with the silly red hat- he had plans for me.