GROOOOOOAAAAN!

Groan!

So Matt wasn't able to come over on Wednesday to talk. One of his co-workers sons, who is 15, was killed in a car crash on Wednesday morning. So awful. Matt was called into work to cover because a total of three guys, including the dad went home because they were so upset over the whole thing. Matt said his co-workers are like his family, and it hurts everybody to have something like that happen. :(

So. Haven't seen him. Haven't had the actual "talk" with him about anything, I have no idea where we stand. Finally on Wednesday night I couldn't take it anymore and I asked him why he wasn't saying "I love you" anymore and he said that he was just worried about what's going to happen in the next few months. I asked if he still loved me and he said yes... and I was like, Ok, so why aren't you saying it?? :( FINALLY he said it, and he said it again openly later. He's saying it on the phone better too. I am still very nervous. He won't give me any hint at all as to what way he is leaning. I make references about us being together in the future and he says we will talk about it when we see each other... But he is back to flirting a little, and I can hear him smiling on the other end of the phone. I am so confused, and scared. I am basically on the edge of my seat... But overall I am feeling a little better. Kristin yelled at me and that helped some. LOL

I'm supposed to see him on Monday... if that doesn't get canceled too... I see him the 29th, and he leaves on the 30th.. starts on the 2nd. :(

I'm going to miss him so much...

Heartbroken

When I got into this relationship, I instinctively felt that this was never going to happen again, that I wasn't going to be hurt or heartbroken again because this man loved me so much.

I was wrong.

I haven't seen or talked to him since a week ago Saturday in that parking lot when he said moving was a possibility- and then the following Tuesday got word he had decided to go. The question then for the last week has been, are we staying together or not?

I was unsure at first, but then adamatly felt we could work it out. Because this relationship is SO special. But Matt has given me every indication he can't handle a long distance relationship. He has stopped telling me he loves me. He said it on his own over instant messenger on Thursday, but the only other times I have heard it since then is when I say it on the phone- and he mumbles it back, like he is being forced. He says it so uncomfortably that I do feel that he doesn't want to say it, and therefore must not feel it anymore. I don't know how you could fall out of love so fast after what we both felt we have... It has only been a handful of days since he told me he was in love with me, and how happy he was that I knew I wanted to marry him... And now he doesn't show me any affection at all... I don't understand what is happening.

My therapist group leader lady said he is doing this to self-protect, that he may not even be aware of it.

I wrote him a letter on Sunday night, a long one, pointing out all the reasons why we should stay together, and how much I loved him. I've said my peace...

He is having a bunch of co-workers over today to help him move. I asked if I could come help, or feed the guys some brownies, but he never even answered.

Tomorrow we are supposed to spend the day together. He had said he wanted to come over and visit, and he wanted to go to dinner. I have been dreading this day all week because i know we are going to break up. Because if we weren't, why wouldn't he be acting normally? But the thing I don't understand even more, is that he said he planned to see me again before he leaves on the 30th. He said he has the 29th off. If we are breaking up tomorrow, why would we see each other again after that? I love him, I wanted to marry him, I heard the sweetest words in the world from him... I can't see him. I need to get this grief out and work on getting better again. I am so angry with myself for thinking that I wasn't going to get hurt again. More than ever, this makes me not want to get back out there and date again. If this is what it is like when you have really found someone who is so perfect for you... then... why do it?

So here's the BIG NEWS, in sum.

In short, Matt's family asked him to move to Redding to be with family since the stroke. The stroke was very mild, and his dad is doing very well, but I guess it scared everyone pretty good and they want him home.

Matt tossed and turned about it on his own all last week (although I had my suspicions) and he warned me on Saturday that he had been very obsessively thinking about this and it might happen. I was VERY upset and cried alot. Previously we had discussed that neither of us were willing to do long distance, so I assumed that if he went, we would break up. OBVIOUSLY, considering my feelings for him (and vice versa) this was really devastating to me. I handled it pretty well, considering, but I still stayed and cried for a long time.

The shortest transfer Matt can do is 6 months. He had to notify them by Tuesday of this week in order to transfer as of July 1st. (REALLY fast...) And he did. Tuesday he notified his boss and he is going.

I don't know what is going to happen to us. I am not sure if we are staying together, or if we are even together right now. We haven't been together very long to be able to get through all of this stress and strain at once. I am also afraid that he will go there and then end up not coming back here, and selling his house instead of coming home. I am scared if we got serious and got married, had a family, that he would always put his parents ahead of me on his priority list.

We really need to talk about all of these things. Like, SOON. I am basically going nuts.

He was supposed to have Monday-Wednesday off from work, except for court, but he got called in and has been working regular shifts. (6pm-6am, and then court at 8am- to whenever) He WILL get other days of in order to compensate for this. But I don't know when those days will be yet. Later in the week is harder for me to have time for him- I have a class I take Thursday nights, and I have a wedding this Friday. I had also scheduled a family photo session for this weekend, in San Francisco, which is really far and I am really not up to it, but this session has been canceled and rescheduled at least 3 times. (All on the client's end, but I have been equally uncooperative about the whole thing.. I don't even understand why they are doing it. It is part of a wedding package they bought, but they got married a YEAR ago last March- March of 2008! And they don't seem to want to do it anyway! So why are they doing it? Most people don't use my bonus sessions- especially if they don't WANT to do it!!)

Anyway, so it is a bad week for me to suddenly have him available on these days ONLY when we have SO MUCH serious stuff to talk about.

I really did not want to do long distance... but now that I have found this wonderful man, I cannot imagine giving him up or loosing him. But I don't know how he feels. I am scared. :(

What's your advice for a long distance relationship? What would make it successful? What could we do for each other to keep our connection going strong through this period?

We both have complicated schedules and I don't know if his parents would welcome me into their home as they are pretty old-fashioned and it would be very expensive for me to get a hotel in that area as I don't know anyone there except Matt's family...

What do you think? :(

This is not good!

I am so frustrated right now. After the whirlwind of wonderfulness last week, we have experienced nothing short of devastation THIS week!

Matt's Dad had a stroke last week and is in the hospital. He has been there for a week now. He has some loss of motor function, and some memory loss. Matt drove to Redding to visit him on Monday and is staying until Thursday and then going back to work. I saw him for a few minutes while he was on shift on Sunday night, but that was it, so I am missing him like crazy.

I guess when Matt went to see his Dad for the first time, his dad didn't recognize him at first. :( I know that must have been really awful. I am sure the whole family could really use some prayers now.

Matt is very, very stressed, which is very clear by his messages, and I am only hearing from him a tiny bit, but I completely understand. He is so distracted and tense... He told me he is more stressed there, on his days off, than he is when he is working. Considering his job, that is saying alot.

I love him and I am worried about him. I wish there was something I could do. I am trying to just be very, very supportive and not pressure him or complain in any way. (Which is very hard! Emily gets kind of needy after a couple of days!)

Please keep Matt and his dad in your thoughts and prayers!!! :(

Here he is!

It's not a picture of us together, but here is my Matt!

Oh, and do we like the new layout and blog-topper? I finally found something I really, really love! :)

So this is LOVE

I still have no pictures for you. This would be because I am lame and not particularly inclined to beg an unwilling participant to pose or grin.... or do anything other than hide at the sight of the camera. LOL


I will keep working on him. He just needs some buttering up. Suggestions for that?


Last Thursday, May 28th (also my sister Erin's birthday) Matt told me his parents had asked him to move to Redding (2.5-3 hours away from here) to be closer to family, and he felt the obligation to seriously consider their request, and for some reason told me about it! Since he told me about it, I assumed that this was a HUGE deal and his parents had laid alot of pressure on him or something. Because why else would he mention it to me so seriously? Very upsetting! We mutually agreed that we would not do long distance, and as I am tied to the Sacramento area for a minimum of 3 years for school... I couldn't move there any time soon. Unfortunately, this was all over text message because he does not have reception up there because there are like no cell phone towers. Definitely a poor way to communicate about something so important. Anyway, we both got a bit upset, but ultimately I told him it wasn't my choice and I would stand behind whatever he decided.

Obviously, I wanted him to stay, but the fact is, if he doesn't want to stay, then he wouldn't really want to be with me, and therefore I don't want to hold him here or pressure him to stay if he doesn't want to be. I want him to WANT to. Make sense?

Anyway, things had been a little iffy, so I decided that since I didn't know if we were going to break up come Monday when he got back I decided to tell him... I LOVE YOU. :) I told him I wanted to wait, but that, given the situation, if he told me he was going to move I would have been too afraid to say it and I wanted him to know. So I texted it to him. (Sad, I know, but it was the only way we could talk at that moment.) And he said it right back, like I knew he would. We had both been beating around the bush so it was pretty much an unspoken plan we were going to say it when we saw each other next. Anyway, regardless, it made me very happy. And I told him how happy I was, and he told me he was too and that he was in love with me. It was all very sweet and dear. :)

Anyway, Sunday he was supposed to work overtime, but it got canceled, and so he came over at 7pm and we hung out and watched tv and spent time together and said our I LOVE YOU's in person. He was just looking at me real intently and then he said it quietly and I said it right back and then I was shy so we hugged for a long time. It was very sweet. Nobody has ever told me they loved me before so it was really special. :)



After all that he told me he decided to stay here to be with me and he'd tell him parents soon. He said he just couldn't imagine leaving me. :)