An Unfortunate Discovery

About 10 days after the hearing I was reading an article in Glamour Magazine about love scams/online romance scams. Mostly the article was about people who stole innocent people's pictures and used them on dating profiles, then started an intense relationship with someone online, and then somehow got them to give them money.

This isn't exactly what happened with Matt, but it's similar. Same ballpark.

The article mentioned two support websites to turn to for help if you had been a victim. You could get info on how to spot another scam, and how to have a healthy relationship post-scam, and even look and see if someone you were suspicious about had been previously reported as running scams. It even had a little database searcher.

I wasn't going to look at it, I was just laying in bed trying to sleep. And then suddenly I was overwhelmed.

"Get up and look. You'll find it. He's on there."

And I thought... you are such a paranoid retarded freak. SHUT UP.

"He's on there. Go and look. You have to get up. Get UP."

I swear I slapped both of my hands across my face and groaned and swore but I got up. It was like 2am and I was tired.

I plugged his info into the websites. Nothing came up. (See, Emily, I knew you were a paranoid, retarded freak). But then I saw this other search result. It apparently scans the web for people with that user id.

HELLO VOMITING PILE OF SEARCH RESULTS.

Matt is using a third identity and is claiming to be 18 years old in one, and 25 in another. (He's in his early 30's.)  He also still has an active account with the name I knew him as. All associated with that email he used when we were together.

I was alarmed and freaked out and didn't know how to handle the information. People have been telling me for two years I wasn't the only one he ever did it to, but I never really believed them. (I honestly still think I hallucinated our whole relationship most of the time. It's just too bizarre and insane).

Can you think of  a single, legitimate, above board reason why a 33 year old man would be pretending to be 18?

Let's say he hasn't used this in 3 years. Let's say he stopped after the incident with me.

THAT JUST MEANS HE WAS IMPERSONATING A FIFTEEN YEAR OLD, PEOPLE.

These profiles age with the user. That just makes it WORSE.

I posted on Facebook, with my intent to just be, how the heck do I process this information? But I got this overwhelming response of "leave it alone, move on," blah blah blah. All of which was supremely unhelpful  and minimizing of the situation.

Please. Sit down. Think about this. Nice old grandpa who lives next door likes to watch your daughter after school. He's sweet, friendly, Grandma is nice. No problem. Your daughter starts coming home with bruises all over her thighs and is acting secretive.

DO YOU JUST LET THAT GO???

I was not posting on Facebook to request what course of action I should take. I posted for support. I got judgment. As my therapist said, that didn't really help me. It really just pissed me off. And I had posted in a panic at 3am, so way too many people say the post, people who don't even know my situation so I just deleted it.

And then I sat and stewed, as I often do.

I was assaulted as a child.  I would not wish that on anyone. I believe in the laws of this country. I believe in the quote, "If you remain silent in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor." No one spoke up for me when I was a child and was hurt by a bad, bad man. Who is going to speak up now, if not me? What if no one else even knows?

What's one reason why a married 33 year old would be pretending to be 18?

One. Name one legit reason.

There isn't one.

Months ago I posted about how I started shrieking at the computer "HE'S AN ONLINE PREDATOR!" because I came to suspect he met his wife online as well. Well, I'm genuinely suspicious he is. And you want me to turn a blind eye? I freaking think not. Like I could LIVE with myself if he was corresponding with underage girls or boys. I don't even want to think about that. It's a crime. 

Of course, even if it's true, I don't think I could ever believe it, or really acknowledge it in my heart or soul because when I look at him, I see the man he pretended to be. I don't know if I'll ever make that separation. It is very hard to accept the love of your life (to this point in my life) was a fictional character.  I understand his wife to a greater extent than I did. She lives in the land of denial. How could she do anything else? How do you admit you're married to a monster? She has kids. She's surviving. She's also crazy, but I pity her. I wish I could shake her and say, "Don't you know what you're worth?! Don't you know that God loves you? Heavenly Father wants more for you than this! He wants more for your children! Don't you know you're loved?!"

And I don't even believe in God half the time. (But she does and it's a medium she'd relate to.)

(I try, it's a struggle. I'm super analytical. But I recognize religious beliefs provide personal enrichment, so I try.)

So, after stewing a little while longer, I called the Internal Affairs bureau of the CHP.  And I simply asked them, "What should I do?" (BTW, totally did not spazz out on the phone this time talking to the officer. yay me!)

They told me to file a Citizen's Complaint. They said it was the prudent, appropriate thing to do. I clarified about five times.

Then I sat on it for the last couple of weeks. I still didn't really want to do it.

I went to therapy and talked about it, and as I talked about all of my apprehensions, I said, "I just don't know what the right thing to do is." Then I interrupted myself and said, "Of course I do. The right thing to do is to file the complaint. They can't do anything if no one tells them."

This is the right thing to do. I know this is true. I know this is right.

So I wrote it, and then sat on it some more.

Today I went and printed it out, but before I did that, I emailed the investigator who handled the original complaint:

Dear Sgt.

 

You were the investigator on a Citizen's Complaint I filed in June 2011 regarding Matthew L-----------'s use of the identity "Matt T-----." It recently came to my attention that Officer L-------- is using a third identity and is posing as an 18 year old on a social media website. I am very uncomfortable with this information and really want no part of another complaint, but when I called IA downtown and asked them what the right thing to do was, they said I should file another Citizen's Complaint.  I just wanted to ask if you agree with that or have different advice. I am still terrified of L------ and I'm concerned he'd try to claim I was harassing him or something if I filed a second complaint. (That whole bit on the form about the officer being entitled to file civil action is very disconcerting.) But my concern that he may be corresponding with minors, or that he's possibly some kind of an online predator scares me even more. I'm just not sure what to do.

Emily

 

And he responded:

 

Miss -----,

 

It disappoints me greatly to hear these allegations.  Our Internal Affairs Office was correct in directing toward filing another complaint.  Please do not let the required legal wording, located on our form, dissuade you from filing a justified complaint.  Your allegations have many ramifications and if true need to be dealt with.  I have made our Woodland Area's Acting Commander, ----------, aware of your contact and noted concerns.  I will be forwarding your original e-mail (below) to the Woodland Area so they may have it for any possible subsequent file.  If you do not hear from the Woodland Area in the very near future please feel free to contact them directly through the information provided below.

 

Sgt.

 

 

So, with a lot of apprehension, I mailed this yesterday. But the Sgt's comments are re-assuring.

Going to Court, Part 2

Okay, so we left off with me frantically flipping through papers and then not providing everything I had. Hmmmm.

I handed what I thought were all the papers I needed to the bailiff, and he walked them back to Matt and his wife. Who were sitting on the Platintiff's side of the room for some reason. ...He's a cop, he goes to court all the time, and each podium was clearly labeled on each side. ("Plaintiff" on the right, and "Defendant" on the wrong left side.)What is he, slow? Thanks for supporting me and sitting on the Plaintiff's side buddy!

Anyway, he gave him the papers, and they handed the wife's email to me. I only skimmed it to make sure my words hadn't been changed, so it looked okay with this preliminary glance, although it wasn't.

One or two cases went ahead of us, and they were basically time-fillers. both cases were people who only had one party present and needed to reschedule or something. I don't remember.

As soon as we were done playing with the 589,082,749 pages of paperwork we were called up.

I think I said, "Are you freaking KIDDING me?!" I did not want to be first.

Myself, my friend C who served him, my mom, my dad all stood up and were sworn in. On Matt's side, he and his wife were then sworn in.

Then the judge (or referee, he's actually not a judge, but it doesn't really matter) told all of our witnesses to leave. ALL of them. So my parents, C, and his wife didn't hear any of my or Matt's testimony. The only ones who did was my dad's wife, who declined to be sworn in (and wore a face mask, which prompted my friend to ask if she had cancer or something- "What is up with that?!" She had an organ transplant almost 2 years ago and is immune-suppressed so catching a cold could be a huge problem  for her, so she's careful. But I agree she looked like a freak. No judging though, no judging. LOL) My attorney got lost and didn't have her cell, and she made it in about half way through my testimony. She also apparently hopped out in the hall and gave my parents an update, which they all appreciated, and I did too. That was very nice of her and I didn't expect it. I didn't even know she was there though, just my dad's wife, and I was relieved to have not been in there alone.

Anyway, I stood up, walked to the podium with my huge binder, took a huge shaky breath and said, "Good Morning."

Then I started to read this speech. About three sentences in, the Judge interrupted and said he knew I was nervous but he needed me to slow down because he needed to take notes. I took a slower deep breath, repeated my sentence and read the following:

(I would just like to apologize to all of you in advance for not being able to watch this on Judge Judy. I know how you all desperately wished for my moment of reality TV glory. lol)

Good Morning your Honor.

My name is Emily H------ and I was in a relationship with the Defendant from February, 2009 to August 2010.

If you reference the Points & Authorities I filed with my Amended Complaint on October 11th, you can see  my causes of action are Fraud, Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress, Assault, False Imprisonment, Assault, Battery, and Negligent Infliction of Emotional Distress. I have discussed each tort in detail in this document with discussions of my claims.

The Defendant is a California Highway Patrolman, and during our relationship  claimed to work out of the San Francisco and then the Fairfield office of the CHP. During our relationship, he created a false identity for himself, and went by the name Matthew T--------. As a result, I suffered financial damages, which I am suing him for  to restore me to the position I was prior to meeting him.

-Here is our initial point of contact when the Defendant emailed me through an online dating website and identified himself as "Mat in Woodland."
-- If you refer to Attachment ONE in your packet, the first page is an instant messenger conversation  where the Defendant identifies himself as a CHP in San Francisco and that at the time of the conversation, he had been single for 4.5 years. Also attached in Attachment ONE is another instant messenger conversation where he provides his phone number, which is the same number listed in the complaint.
--Here is an email he sent me with the name "Matthew T--------," listed as the sender.
--Here is an instant messenger conversation where he states his name is Matthew T--------.

--If you refer to Page 4 of Attachment FOUR  in your packet, which is the statement written on my behalf by the CHP investigator, the investigating Sergant, W---- C-----, conclusively states that the Defendant, Matthew L-------- and the person I dated, Matthew T-------- are the same person. In Sergant C------'s summary of my statement, he recounts my memory of the Defendant signing credit card receipts under the unauthorized alias, and of meeting the Defendant on-duty, where I clearly recall the Defendant wearing a name tag with the name "T--------" on it. For the record, the Defendant worked at the Fairfield office of the CHP with another officer who was apparently named Matthew T-------- and was likely the source of the Defendant's unauthorized nameplate use. 

I agreed to date the Defendant under the false belief that he was who he claimed to be: A single, never married man named T-------- who very much wanted to get married and have children. In reality he was Matthew L--------, married and with one child already. I looked into the Defendant's background but was unable to find any information which contradicted what he told me. As he was a CHP officer, and I had met with him on-duty, and he presented himself as an honorable, forthright person, I had no reason to suspect otherwise.

 

--Here is a news article I found on a man who was a Officer with the Fairfield Office of the California Highway Patrol. When I asked the Defendant if the man in the article was him, he said yes.

 

On August 3rd, 2010, approximately 17 months into our relationship, I became suspicious that the Defendant had not been honest about something, but I wasn't quite sure what.  He had claimed his father was a superior court judge, but the name he provided for his father was not someone who was listed on the California Bar's website.  I wrote a letter to someone who I believed was a family member of the Defendant's and asked that person if the Defendant had been honest with me. That person, who requested they remain anonymous, informed me that the Defendant's name was not Matthew T--------, but it was actually Matthew L--------, that he had lied about his parent's names, his place of residence, where he attended college, that he had lied and said he was fired from the CHP, but he actually hadn't been, that his house had been foreclosed on and he had moved several hours away, and  that he was married, and had an eighteen month old child, who had been born 10 days before we began dating. I did not know or suspect any of these revelations and the impact was devastating.

--Here is the email exchange between myself and the Defendant's family member. I have redacted the family member's name at their request, but I can provide a clean copy instead if that is necessary.

On the same day I wrote the letter to the family member, I found the address of his actual residence that he shares with his wife and child. The Defendant's wife invited me into her home, and thanked me for being honest with her. She asked me a series of humiliating questions, which I answered as best I could. I was crying, shaking, and near hysterical at points. I was able to tolerate this until the Defendant arrived home, and the two began to rage and scream at each other.  I felt both terrified and threatened as to what would happen and feared I could be hurt. I crouched against a wall, but felt too afraid to just run out.  I knew the Defendant carried a firearm on his person at all times, and given his angry state, I did not know what he was capable of.  I asked the Defendant's wife permission to leave the home, and she consented, however, before I could leave, the Defendant and his wife's confrontation cumulated in the Defendant punching holes in the walls, and smashing a glass framed picture to bits. I ducked to avoid being hit. This is the grounds of my first assault claim.

 

 I then rushed out of the house, asking the Defendant's wife if she was safe or if I could call the police. She declined and began screaming at the Defendant again.

Due to my reliance upon the Defendant's consistent and continual deliberate misrepresentations regarding his identity, I treated him as my partner. We planned to be married, and I had gotten quotes from various wedding vendors prior to my unexpected discovery of his actual identity. Due to my reliance on the Defendant's deceit, I spent an incredible amount of money on the Defendant, with the purchase of gifts, food, gas, scrapbooks, printed photos, christmas gifts, cards, letters, gift cards, and baked goods. I also incurred costs to myself as a result of the fraudulent relationship. At one point the Defendant claimed to have accepted a job as a Special Agent with the federal agency Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, and as a show of my support as his wife to be, I purchased a "I love my Special Agent" tshirt, and an ATF sweatshirt. I also purchased a ring to represent our relationship, my support of his new career, and our impending marriage. Additional costs include two cell phone bills which the Defendant was responsible for and  already offered to pay, but which I declined as I believed our relationship was real,  and with additional incidentals arising from highly expensive gas costs and wear and tear on my vehicle as I traveled at some points, daily, to the Fairfield area to meet with the Defendant.

-If you refer to Attachment TWO in your packet, you can see the summarized total of costs incurred during the relationship.
-If you would like an itemized list, I have one available here as well.  

 

As I have discussed the Defendant is liable for actual fraud against me for these intentional misrepresentations of his identity so that he could incur these monetary and physical benefits.  He also committed the torts of IIED and NIED.

The Defendant was fully aware of his true identity throughout our relationship and that he was living a double life. The Defendant made it a point during our relationship to invent a colorful array of personal tragedies to make our relationship more dramatic and emotionally distressing.  He claimed to have been fired from his job, he claimed his house had been foreclosed on, that his dog died, and his father had a stroke and his mother a nervous breakdown. He did these things so I would become upset, and then feel sympathy for him. The Defendant actually did this so much that I had to seek counseling during our relationship to cope with the things he was telling me.  He purposely and with intent engaged in this outrageous and offensive behavior throughout our relationship in order to cause me emotional distress.  

Arising out of the Fraud and my discovery of his double life a lengthy 17 months into our relationship, I suffered an incredible amount of mental distress. I became agoraphobic, afraid to leave my home, and was admitted into a daily outpatient psychiatric care facility to deal with the shock. I was unable to eat, bathe or get out of bed unless absolutely required. I became terrified of men, sirens, uniforms and police. I suffered hyperventilating panic attacks in grocery stores, at work,  in restaurants, and airports. After being pulled over by another CHP officer, I became so terrified and inconsolable, the officer insisted on calling an ambulance, which I had to refuse because I knew I would be more disturbed by the presence of more men in uniforms. Thinking I had seen the Defendant on the street the week of my discovery, I got into a car accident, and then spent an hour on the side of the rode hysterically crying while the driver of the other car tried to assure me that what the Defendant did was not my fault and that I would get better.  The next day, due to a fear for my safety because I was so afraid of the Defendant, I stayed with a friend, and was so upset and distracted, broke my foot.  Over the last 28 months, I have attended at least twice weekly therapy, and have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Major Depression and Anxiety and Panic Disorder as a direct result of the defendant's actions.  As a member of law enforcement, the Defendant took a vow to protect the public and uphold ethical standards in his professional and personal life.  He violated these standards when he without cause and for his own personal entertainment, procured an unauthorized law enforcement stop on me when at the time I was unaware that it was my boyfriend pulling me over. When I included these incidents in my citizen's complaint to the CHP, they conclusively found that the Defendant had misused his position and misidentified himself.  As he is a peace officer, he owes a duty to the public, and as I am a member of the public he owed that duty to me.  When he committed these actions, he not only intentionally caused me emotional distress, but his careless and reckless disregard for my well being  negligently inflicted distress as well.   Therefore, I believe he is additionally liable for NIED.

 

--You can review the conclusions made by the CHP in Attachment  SIX of your packet.

--You can refer to Attachment THREE, which includes letters from two separate therapists who have treated me. I redacted my personal information from the letters, but I have a clean copy if you require one.

--My medical expenses to date have been summarized in Attachment TWO through the date of filing, October 9th. 

--I have a detailed graph which itemizes each visit to the doctor or therapist.  I also have a second version which details my expenses through this week.

Also during our relationship, while the Defendant was a guest in my home, he attacked me and forcibly applied a set of professional handcuffs to my wrist. This is the grounds for my cause of action related to Battery, Assault and False Imprisonment. This was done without my consent, and scared me horribly when it happened. I demanded he remove them, and he refused. The handcuffs were locked with a key, and my wrist was too big for me to be able to simply pull them off. I tried a variety of negotiating tactics to get the Defendant to remove the handcuff, but he refused. We argued for a period of  approximately twenty minutes followed by him, forcing me to involuntarily accompany him to a local restaurant, where he again refused to remove the handcuffs unless I went with him inside, which after more failed negotiations, I did. When we returned home he finally removed the handcuffs with his key. This incident lasted an hour or so.

In light of these factors he is liable for Battery, Assault and False Imprisonment.

 

As I discussed all of the causes of actions Your Honor do you have any questions for me?

 

 

The judge then turned to Matt, and asked him to "Go ahead" or "do you have anything to say," or something like that. He did not have a speech prepared, and sort of rambled. He did not speak as long as I did. (I think I spoke about 20 minutes. I had rehearsed it at about 11 minutes, rushing, but when the judge told me to slow down, I slowed WAY down.)  Matt spoke maybe 5-7 minutes.

*He openly admitted to the relationship, but he called it an "extra-marital affair."

* He openly admitted he lied to me about his name/identity, and that he had never told me his real name.

*He openly admitted that we had talked about marriage and children, but very loudly clarified that we did not have a date set for our wedding, and that he had only ever said "someday."  (???)

 

He used the email I sent his wife to claim our relationship ended in October, 2009. This is not true. Our relationship ended the day of discovery when he sent me a text message saying he "didn't want a wife or a girlfriend right now." At the time he didn't know I knew he had both. I had put in an order for 30 yards of white silk from Joann's from my wedding dress and had been talking to my friend about her mom helping us make a pattern so we could design my dress from scratch. I had gotten quotes from two photographer's, Ravenberg, and the Sloan's. I had also contacted a videographer.

Suuuure, we weren't together at all.

 

I was really upset when I wrote about this last time because I was afraid that by me not providing the evidence that we were together through August 2010 I harmed my chances of being about to win for Fraud. I went out to dinner with my attorney a few days after the hearing (yay me! I went out!)  and I realized that I was okay with losing based on legal merit. If I lost because I had no legal standing for my case, that was okay. But if I lost because I was unprepared for court, I could not handle it. That's why I freaked out.

Anyway, through our talking we both remembered/realized the statute of limitations on fraud is three years, not two. So even if Matt successfully convinced the judge our relationship ended almost a whole year earlier, it didn't matter. I stilled filed within the three year deadline, AND fraud is calculated based on the date of discovery anyway.

 

Matt also argued this was a he said-she said. I thought this was stupid. I had paper evidence and through all my anxiety and upset I still almost rolled my eyes when he said this.

 

Matt flat our denied the handcuffing incident. I was shocked. I am still shocked. He also claimed the CHP backed him up that this never happened. (Not  true, CHP said they couldn't discipline him for it because it happened off-duty. They also called him "boorish" in relation to that incident.) He flat our perjured himself. THAT HAPPENED. He handcuffed me. I am not dreaming that up. Under oath, he lied. He flat out lied. But it wasn't until that moment I realized I had no proof it happened. But I swear on a stack of Bibles, that man tackled me, handcuffed me and took me to PIZZA HUT. My wrist was locked with a key and I could not get it off. He did not take it off until we got home. We never mentioned it again and I pretended it didn't happen.

In reference to this, Matt said I was being creative or exaggerating--- neither of those words are right, but he used a pretty phrase that basically called me a liar. Which I didn't realize until I left court, which made me a little angry. Who are you calling a liar?!

 

This post is long enough. Next time!

 

 

Going to Court, Part 1

Although everyone said I did really well in court, I did not feel adequately prepared. Everything was put off until the last minute. I couldn't find clothes, I couldn't find someone to do my hair, I was running around making copies the night before. I didn't get to start writing my speech until almost midnight the night before and was nearly hysterical as I had not been able to reach my attorney. I cried off and on the whole day before and was extremely stressed. This is exactly what I did not want for this day.

I did manage to get my copies done, organized into a binder organized by my talking points. I made copies of items I did not want to present to the court unless Matt tried to deny them, but I brought them in case he did.

I found a top at Target the night before, showered, dyed my hair and blow-dried it before I went to bed. My mom, dad and his wife all came in to town that afternoon.

I got up a little late on the morning of, after 5:30am. I couldn't find something or other, and was about 15 minutes late picking up my mom.

About half way there I realized I had forgotten my Xanax prescription that morning and started to hyperventilate on the freeway. My mom grabbed me and made me slow down my breathing and calm down my crying. I was just so freaked out.

We got there and parked facing the court house door so I could watch as to when it opened, and to make sure we were the first ones there. I knew the court house door wasn't open yet, so my mom and I stayed in the car. I opened my binder and it blew up in my lap. A ton of my pages fell out and my mom tried to grab it and I screamed at her STOP STOP STOP STOP! Then I burst into heaving tears and apologized over and over- I hadn't meant to yell. I was just SO tense and SO freaked out. She tried to help me get everything back where it was supposed to be, and held it tight so it wouldn't break open again.

A couple minutes later I noticed a car pull up about 5 spaces to our right, with a woman driving with dark hair like mine, and a man in the passenger seat. I instantly thought, "It's them." But then had to redirect my mind that it wasn't. I turned away, and then my Dad and his wife, and then my friend Cecilia pulled up. We all had our cars lined up in parking spaces next to each other, and rolled down the windows to talk back and forth. We planned to have everyone sworn in, in case there was a question of our proof of service (Cecilia did a sub-service on him, so she could attest to that), and the rest all had witnessed my emotional distress.

I looked up and suddenly realized that the people who had been in the car a few spaces over had gotten out and were walking up to the ramp of the courthouse. They were holding hands. He was wearing something dark, and she had a red sweater on. That's all I saw. I knew it was them.

I was upset, but tried to look away, and Cecilia was already asking me another question about something else, and I was trying to practice my speech one last time. Then I saw they had been let into the building, they were the first ones there, which upset me. We had gotten there so early so that wouldn't happen. I had a specific plan about where I wanted everyone to sit in the waiting room so we could be first in the court room door and could snag the first row of seats behind the Plaintiff's podium so even if my family didn't stand up with me, they would be RIGHTTHERE with me.

I hurridly read through the rest of my speech and got out. This is when the chaos started.

I had put a towel down for my mom to sit in in the car, but not myself. I had cat hair and dog hair and lint all over my black skirt suit, and was trying to get it off so I didn't look like a mess. My dad and his wife seemed to be picking each individual piece of hair off my jacket like it was some kind of science experiment. (DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND URGENCY?) They were also laughing, and joking, which I did not take kindly to.

This was serious for me, I don't care if it's "small claims." You treat this experience with reverence and respect out of your respect for ME and how much I have repeatedly told you it means to me.  I actually took my jacket away from them and had Cecilia lint roll it, and we started walking into the court. I looked over, and my dad is wearing a t-shirt, with his button down open and hanging everywhere.

"Um, you need to button your shirt."

"Oh, no I'm not wearing this, I'm just wearing the t-shirt."

"We are going in to COURT. Please button your [button down] top."

"This is not formal, it's not a big deal or anything." Then he laughed.

"We are GOING IN TO COURT. BUTTON YOUR SHIRT NOW. EVERYONE ELSE IS DRESSED APPROPRIATELY.  BUTTON YOUR SHIRT." I turned on my heel and walked next to Cecilia and just ahead of my mom. I was so pissed he was not taking this seriously. If he had tried to walk into the courthouse (I do not CARE if it is in a portable.) just wearing a t-shirt, I would have asked him to leave. My mom said afterwards she was startled he wasn't in a suit. So was I. My dad lived in suits most of my life, and he certainly wore a suit to my sister's hearing a few years ago. I asked my mom and everyone else what they would be wearing, I did not even worry about my dad because I knew he would be dressed appropriately. But he wasn't.

I didn't hear it, but I guess my mom overheard the conversation between him and his wife-
"Did Emily ask you to button that shirt?"
"Well, yeah, but I'm not wearing this button down, I just had that on to warm up a little. I'm wearing this t-shirt."
"She asked you to button it. Button it. Now."

So I guess he did. And then when I ran into the bathroom (I was having horrific diarrhea from nerves and needed to cry and pull it together), I guess he went in the men's room and tucked his shirt in too.

Why bring a button down if you don't intend to wear it? Why in the heck would you ever think it is okay to wear a t shirt to court? My dad is 70 years old. He knows better. It really hurt my feelings that again, I was not given the same respect as my siblings have been in their life challenges. I was very anxious about something like this happening with him and his wife, and it did, but it was okay I guess. He buttoned his freaking shirt!

I got sick in the bathroom, tried to clean myself up, mopped up my tears (you should always, always, always try wearing liquid eyeliner for the first time in your life when you plan on crying a lot and have no idea how to apply it.) and when I walked out of the bathroom-

Yes, my family sat in the row of seats closest to the court room door like I told them. But did they sit in the seats closest to the door? NO. They sat all the way at the end, as far from the door as possible but still in that row. Why does that matter beyond nit-pickiness and not following my anxiety-ridden directions? The seats they left for me to sit in FACED Sydney and Matt.

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!

I started to spaz out again, and then Cecilia and I ducked to some seats around the corner where we couldn't see anyone and I started raging about my idiot family.

This is where Cecilia snorted and said that, "Watching you interact with your parents is like watching a science experiment."

I laughed out loud at that.

My dad came around the corner, and wanted to know what was so funny, and tried to crack some jokes. I didn't remember what he said, but all I could think was, I am trying to focus here. Please take this seriously. Just stop. You're making me tense and distracting me from what I need to do. Then he started in with the anxious head/hair ruffling and pulling up his pants. I wanted to scream. Cecilia realized my whole body was shaking and trembling- I hadn't even noticed.

Then they called us in!

I rushed around the corner to go in with my family, but Matt and Sydney had sat so close to the door they were immediately behind my mom. I practically RAN to get in ahead of her so I wouldn't walk in behind them, but I think I ended up walking in in front of Matt. I was totally shaking.  We went right to the front and there was the usual shuffling around figuring out who was going to sit where.

I wanted my mom, Cecilia and Daniela in the front row (two strongest emotional supports + attorney) but Daniela wasn't there yet, but initially my dad and his wife went there, and I groaned. After some shuffling my mom, Cecilia, my dad and I ended up in the front row, and his wife in the second.

They called roll, and we were first on the list. FIRST. They then informed us that we would have to exchange all paperwork/discovery we would be presenting with the other party prior to our hearing beginning because the case was so long. Everyone had apparently discussed it already. When the mediator called to see who wanted to mediate, I raised my hand, as I had planned, but she pointed at me and said, "I will NOT work on your case. Sorry." And gave me a look like, Holy crap are you guys a screaming mess.

This is where I got thrown off, and what I am having a lot of trouble coping with and letting go of now.

I had made copies of absolutely everything that could potentially be relevant. But I didn't want to give things like, receipts that listed my doctor's name, the date of my last pap, my medical record number, etc., unless I needed to, to contest something he said.

So there I was, frantically flipping through this HUGE binder, that kept breaking open and the pages falling out as I very haphazardly tried to pull out the pages I needed out of the page protectors. The baliff was standing right there, which of course made me anxious, and then I felt pressured to get it all out as fast as possible. I had timed the pulling out of each relevant sheet of paper during my speech, so I was totally thrown trying to pull out 58,284,957 papers while they started calling other cases since I was taking too long. I felt hugely pressured and flustered.

This is where I made mistakes. I didn't pull out every piece of paper because it was taking too long. I also got confused and thought my citizen's complaint from the CHP wasn't needed. I had forgotten there were three other documents attached to the set of pages that had the citizen's complaint on top. I also didn't know that Matt intended on claiming our relationship ended the previous October based on an email I sent him in the fall of 2009. The Citizen's complaint detailed our relationship in total, and showed that my story was consistent.

In contrast, the CHP's copy of my statement was wrong, and manipulated the dates. It also made it sound like our relationship ended in October. I had sent a correction to the CHP, and that was in my initial filing, but the info in the statement was wrong.

When Matt sent his paperwork over to me, the only thing he had was the email I had exchanged with Sydney that detailed our relationship. I saw some things were highlighted, but I skimmed it only briefly to verify that they hadn't altered my email. I did see it had been moved into a word doc and that the time stamps were gone. I had brought the same email, but mine had time stamps, and our profile pictures in the body of each message. Since they were submitting the email, I did not think I needed to submit my copy of the message. It looked accurate to me, so I said okay. I held on to my copy.

Tonight I went through my papers and reviewed the emails I had exchanged with Sydney again. My copy is close to 10 pages, and is in small print.

Matt's copy was half that length, in a much larger font,  but included the beginning and end of my message. They removed the middle. The part where I described in detail how we got back together in the Spring of 2010 and were a couple through the summer.

Why does this matter? The only questions the judge asked Matt were in relation to the fraud. Specifically, he asked him did he lie about his name, when did he tell me about his double life, when did I find out about it, if he didn't tell me and when exactly did our relationship end? There were several questions about when our relationship ended and Matt claimed it ended in October of 2009, because in my letter to Sydney, I stated we broke up.

In the next paragraph, I talked about how we stayed in contact, stayed committed to each other, and patched it all up and worked it all out by February of 2010.

When I spoke verbally, I described this, and assumed the letter they had backed me up. Had I remembered to submit my citizen's complaint, it would have also shown the consistency of my story.

But I didn't. I didn't know. I didn't realize what they did. I also did not know I should take notes when he spoke and I felt overwhelmed and upset afterwards because I couldn't keep track in my head all of the things he was lying about or that I needed to respond to and I missed my chance to respond to that stuff.

Anyway we are up through me rifling through my papers in the court room. That's Part 1. I needed to talk about the above because I am really upset about it. I want to let go here, I want to just... release it. And I am dwelling and beating myself up for my mistakes and I don't want to. I want to not care.

Therapy tomorrow, maybe that will help.

VE DAY

Not Victory in Europe, but Victory for Emily Day is tomorrow! Tomorrow is my hearing, at 8:15am PST. We probably won't get started until 9:00am, and the whole thing will be done by 10:15am.

My speech is timed to 10 minutes in length. Which is WAY longer than anyone else's I heard last week, but no one had as much stuff going on as me.

Pray for me. Hope for me. I know that as in accordance with the law that I cannot win, but if I can go and stand up to my attacker, that I will have won. And that's all I need.

Proof of Service.

I took my practice GRE again, and I got 159 Verbal, 150 Math. Then 159 Verbal, 151 Math. Then 156 Verbal, 151 Math.

Hmmm.

The Verbal score is in the 85%ile, the Math in the 44%ile, but when I looked at similar degree fields to what I am pursuing (counseling, social work, sociology, etc.) my Math score was actually higher than the average for those fields. Who would have though an "F" would be above average?

I filed the proof of service with the court, and I was totally overwhelmed with anxiety. I was way more anxious and upset going through security, and while I made it without freaking, I had to keep my eyes closed while he waved the wand over me. I just could not overcome the thought that the next time I went to that courthouse, I was going to be seeing Matt. That is a truly awful thought.

At the counter I asked the clerk if Matt would be allowed to wear his uniform and bring his weapons. This thought overwhelms me. It's in the report how much I fear both of those things, and I am afraid he would try to manipulate or intimidate me by wearing a uniform. Or better yet, that he'd shoot me in court or in the parking lot. Or strangle me. I have these nightmares all the time about him lunging for me, grabbing me around the throat and shoving me into the wall in the court. I can't breathe, I can't swallow. Then I wake up.

The shooting dreams are faster. I just disappear. The sound of the shot echos in my ears though, even as I am disappearing.

The clerk called security and they said he would not be allowed to bring any weapons to court. She asked if he could come in uniform without weapons. The security guy said no. After she hung up, the clerk hesitated and said, she didn't know exactly what would happen if he "tried" it though. Then she asked me if I had a restraining order. I was visibly shaking and stammering at the counter. I was very tense.

I don't have a restraining order but I'm starting to wish I had filed one back then. Maybe it wouldn't have been warranted, he didn't verbally threaten me... he just scared the shit out of me and made me go running out of the house in terror. 

You know, small beans.

(Total sarcasm there.)

My friend who used to be a cop and is now an attorney said, once again, he'd be stupid to show up in uniform because he's not acting as an official representative of the CHP and he'd get into a boatload of trouble with his bosses if he pulled a stunt like that.  Wish I'd talked to her first before freaking out about that possibility for the last several months.

The clerk also said no one had yet called about the case and had not tried to change the date or anything like that.

We won't know if this is our real court date until next Thursday.

In other news, my therapist caught on to the fact that I had been avoiding talking about Matt the last couple of weeks and confronted me about it. I broke down and had the shakes and cried and it was terrible. I just don't want to think about it. I am consciously avoiding it. She said it's not going to get better, and I won't be able to cope with all of these stressors on the day of if I don't pull it together now and start dealing with this stuff. She's probably right, but I don't like it. Sorry, I'm a procrastinator. Especially with painful, awful, bad stuff.

Tonight I saw a picture I didn't like of Matt. Posing, being fake, pretending to be a normal guy. At first I banged my fist down on the table in anger. Then my stomach hurt. Then I vomited, and vomited and vomited.

My throat is sore. And I am angry.

SERVED!

Third times the charm!

My friend went to the CHP office on October 31st, young Matthew's first day of work at his office like, blocks from his house. Unfortunately, the subpeona clerk had already left for the day and they couldn't accept it.

Thanks to another ex-cop attorney friend of mine, we checked in with the CHP's main line to see the proper way to serve an officer at work. They said every office has a subpeona clerk to accept this crap.

But she was already gone when we tried on Halloween. (BOO!)

So this morning, my friend went over there again, (THIRD TIME!) and... it was another hassle.

The subpeona clerk said because the lawsuit wasn't against the CHP she didn't know if she could take it. She consulted with someone, and read some of the paperwork, and asked some questions, and my server indicated to her that although the suit wasn't against the CHP that it was arising out of incidents that occured on duty. She said she might be able to accept it (and at this point my server was starting to think they were giving her a hard time for fun) and took it back to a sergant to discuss it with him, leaving my server waiting for like 10 minutes with all the back and forth.

She finally said that yes they could accept it because some of the incidents in the suit happened on duty and it was relating to a internal affairs investigation and citizen's complaint and that "the sergant wanted to look it over anyway."

It's the guy's second day of work. He's had a process server come to his office THREE TIMES looking for him, and at least three people have gotten a good look at what is in those documents.

HELLO OFFICE GOSSIP.

Also, shove it up your tush dirtbag.

So they accepted it.

Next stop, the Post Office.

We had to find an envelope that would fit the materials perfectly.  It was either this one...

Or Snoopy.

We went with the festive christmas paper. It's just what was available. You know, we needed something water proof and this was.

I hope he likes it. I think it's pretty.

He should receive it at home tomorrow. When you don't serve the person directly, you have to also drop a copy in the mail. Next up, I need to file the proof of service with the court. I just hope we didn't serve him too soon. Court date is December 6th. I thought it had to be 30 days if it wasn't personal service, but then on the SC-100 form (the service form) it says in the notes to the defandant that if you didn't receive it at least 15 days in advance.... But I thought 15 days was just for personal, not substituted service. Oh well.

My friend has offered to utilize her media contacts to touch base with a reporter. I am tempted, but I am unsure of the ramifications for myself. I run a small business, I don't want to get bashed or lose work. I've already had enough of that issue without anyone even knowing. Or one person knowing and not understanding and writing a bogus review of me saying I had a "stupid affair with a married man." WHAT?! Don't you actually have to KNOW he's married for it to be an affair? I was a committed, monogomous relationship with a man who had been single for almost 5 years and who wanted to marry me, period. That's all I knew. And that I loved him. So I am concerned. I am also thinking about leverage for settlement offers and if we start blabbing to the press that may be a deterrant from receiving one if we've already told everyone we can tell.

I'd also like to move for school before blowing it out of the water. I haven't taken the GRE yet, nor registered for a test date. I need to do more practice exams. The one I took I got 150 Verbal, 148 Math, and I took it at 3am in my bed without scratch paper, so I think I can do better.

If I were moving, I would care a whole lot less about what turned up on local news. Thoughts?

Do you like his present? I'm terrified of the man, but that doesn't mean I didn't still enjoy myself ever so slightly. Now, to buy more window locks...

Filed and Soon to be Served

I wish it was easier to post on this thing, but I have two accounts on blogger and it's just a big pain. I also wish I could talk out loud in my car and it would automatically write it into my blog. I do all my best writing in my head, in my car.

'Cause that makes a super lot of sense.

Case got re-filed on time, with all of the info and all of the documents. It is a HUGE mo-fo, with the points and authorities (my story) taking up like 20 pages double spaced. Then there is 8 attachments. Fabulous. Will anyone even read this thing?

It was so huge I found I missed at least one grammatically error by my attorney (or something written so sophisticated I can't understand it. One or the other.) that I meant to fix, and missed, and at least two other weird things or typos I did. Also just bad writing. The darn thing was just too big and I didn't have enough time and I didn't know what I was doing.


I did my best.

My friend who volunteered (with glee) to serve him found that he is no longer with the Fairfield office, where he was when we were together. I initially theorhized they had dumped him/gotten rid of him. Sadly this proably isn't the case because while we tracked him down (my friend called like 5 CHP offices trying to find him and he wasn't on any manifest. Finally some helpful lady who actually had been FRIENDS with the douchbag when he worked in SF -- apparently that part of his story was true, he did work in San Fran once-- found him on a transfer manifest for Woodland.... 10 minutes from my house. Great.)

We went to serve his work and they didn't know who he was, and then somebody remembered! Oh! New guy. Starts on on the 31st.

While the Fairfield office said he hadn't worked there in "a long time," he wasn't yet at Woodland, so he was probably on vacation or leave or whatever, so probably not dumped by Fairfield, probably just managed to finally get that transfer he wanted.

We will make sure that much coveted transfer he wanted goes super smoothly and he is oh-so welcomed on his first day of work when we serve him there. Have fun doo-doo head.  I hope your new boss enjoyes reading about how you tackled and handcuffed a cvilian for your own entertainment.

And BY THE WAY. If he gets found liable on the fraud, he won't be able to testify as a police officer. There's some law. I had heard that, but a judge I was talking to at the park this week said she has the thing on her desk right now and she'll bring it to me.

A quote from a tv show.

"If I start taking care of myself, then I'm really admitting that you're never coming back. But I have to move on." GO ON [with Matthew Perry]

That last sentence, gotta tell you. Really uncomfortable for me. So uncomfortable I almost deleted it like 5 times.

But I still like the rest of it.

FYI- Technical Difficulties

If you are trying to go back and access old posts, or use the links on the side or the widgit linkwithin at the bottom of each post, it will re-direct you to the public blog.

Here's what you do:

Look at the address where you go re-directed. Highlight the actual blog address, since you got sent to the public blog, it should look like this:

http://adventuresinemilyland.blogspot.com/2011/02/i-want-them-to-fit.html

The bold and underlined is the address you need to change. You're just going to copy and paste the new address/name into that bold slot.

So, replace "adventuresinemilyland' with "emsadventuresinwonderland"  Don't change anything else.

http://emsadventuresinwonderland.blogspot.com/2011/02/i-want-them-to-fit.html

You can type or copy or paste!

Hope that helps! Since I plan on eliminating the other blog once I go public again, I won't be updating these links- way too much work. But you can still read old posts if you need to this way!

Why I want to go to court.

My new attorney (NA) has been doing legal research on my case, and working with a few other attorneys and came to me a couple of days ago and said, basically, what he did was wrong, unethical and inhumane, but to make a case for it in court would be really hard- I'd probably lose. Why did I want to go to court?

For the record, I've said to her repeatedly I am totally fine with "losing."

Because no matter what the judge decides, I'm not really going to lose. I won the day I got my suit filed. That is the day I won. The day a public record was begun of the things this man has done.

This is why I want to go to court:

1.) I WANT TO TELL MY STORY. 

 I want to stand up and speak in an articulate way and speak about the outrageous things he did. I want to be heard. More specifically, I want to be heard by a person of authority. That is how our society works. The biggest person I can "tell on " him to is a judge. Ta-da! Even if there is limited (or no) case law to back up our biggest torts, someone with authority will know he sucks as a human being. I win again.

2.)  I WANT TO CONFRONT HIM.

I never got the chance in the house, or in the hours leading up to that moment to confront him with all that he had done. By going to court, I get to stand there and talk about all of the crap he did and he can't say a damn thing. NOT ONE THING. The only person who can interrupt me is the judge. Which is fine, because we'll already have my story written out for him ahead of time. But I'll get at least a couple of minutes to stand there, be put together and call him an asshole, in a polite, legalese type of way. (A tortfeasor. THIS MAN IS A TORTFEASOR YOUR HONOR! Okay, I won't, but I'll be thinking it.)

3.) CREATING A DETERRENT

Thus far, Matt has had really no reason to not do this again. He kept his job, his wife decided really this was no big deal (they were pregnant again within 2 months) and basically, he wasn't punished at all. The bottom line is, you can do anything you want to anyone, and you'll suffer no consequences.

Until now.

Matt, you messed with the wrong lady.

Hell hath NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN SCORNED.

I want to make sure he does not do this again. I want to create a deterrant and a motivator for him to not ever, EVER do this again to any living creature. I want him to recognize in that pea-sized brain of his that what he did was WRONG WRONG WRONG and he cannot do this, and IF he does this, he will regret it. If nothing else, he will suffer the annoyances of arguments with his spouse, the financial burden of hiring an attorney, the pain of driving to court and the humiliation of having his actions listed out in public. Hopefully, this is enough.

If it's not, there's always LIFETIME.  Or, I hear you can publish your own books on Amazon now.

4.) PROTECTING OTHER WOMEN

This is what is most important. I want to create a public record of his actions. Granted, Matt used a fake name with me, but when I looked him up, he was clean as a whistle. Hopefully next time he won't be so dumb as to use a fake name and a fake name tag. If he uses his real name, and tries to victimize another woman, I want her protected him. If she gets on google, I want hell to open up and for him to be swallowed whole. A couple of weeks before I filed my citizen's complaint, someone else apparently filed a federal lawsuit against Matt for violating their civil rights. (It's called a 1983 violation). It's common, I think with police officers, but I think it's less common for someone to actually file the lawsuit. This now comes up as a search result even though the person was not successful because they, too had a loser attorney.  (He had a disciplinary action from the bar on his record- I know, I checked).  But it's there. I want this on there too. If he tries to go after someone else, if she does some digging, I want her to be able to find this. It may not come up easily, but I want it to be there.  I want to protect other women from being harmed like I was.  I may not be able to send him to jail, but maybe I can still do something.  This hurt me so much at first to hear, but it is probably true: I was not the first and I was not the last. He is a sociopath. There will be more. And if I don't speak up, who will?

******************************************************************************

These are the reasons why I want to go to court. If you notice, none of them have anything to do with winning money. That would be nice. And I do believe I have the right to be restored to the position I was in prior to his fraud. However, that's not my primary objective. As long as I get to stand up in court, I'm good. We've got to get him served, and I've got to hold it together in the hallway for probably hours beforehand before our case is called. All cases are set for the same day of the week and the same time, so they'll probably have 20 cases set for the same time, and we'll have to sit there together, and I will have to not freak out. That's going to be hard. So far, my mom has said she would come, my NA has said she would try to take the morning off work. I wish you all would come and be with me too. The more people there, the better. I would give anything for you all to come. ANYTHING. I don't want to be there alone.

My old attorney was a screwball. And my new one made me cry.

So... my old attorney did not work out, and the last couple of months have been extremely stressful. (Hence my absence.)

I will always be grateful to Looney Tunes (her new nn) for giving me a voice when I didn't know how to find mine. She gave me direction and power. She validated the fact that what Matt did to me was wrong, and I was entitled to my day in court. I am so grateful. Unfortunately she was also mental. Such a shame.

She started blowing me off shortly after we sent Matt the demand letter and got the offer. I wanted her to send a rejection letter to them and she did not. According to my new attorney this is going to turn out fine, but this was the beginning of the misccomunication and confusion on my end. She stopped returning my messages nad didn't adhere to the timeline we had previously discussed as to when things would be filed. Everything was pushed until the last minute, she acted like it was no big deal while I was panicking and didn't know what the court rules were and whether this would ultimately work against me in court.

I ended up filing my own suit, (it was a simple one page form, but the atty filed it out- and it was full of mistakes, which I had to correct in white out at the court. Awesome.)  but without additional documents she said she was writing. There was a barrage of text messsages flying back and forth which went something like this:

Emily: "What is the deadline for the amendment to be filed? If we have to file it by tomorrow, why don't we just file everything together tomorrow, rather than me rushing to the court right now? (And filing documents twice and paying filing fees twice.) I'm confused."

Looney Tunes: "It is my legal advice that you to file your simple form today, and if you fail to do so, you are sabotging your case."

E: "But is it due tomorrow? Don't I have to pay a filing fee each time we file? Why aren't we filing it all together?"

LT: "It is my legal advice you file that form today, otherwise you are sabotging your case."

E:" But when is the due date?"

LT:" It is my legal advice that you file today, I really believe you are trying to sabotge your case!"

E" But what is the due date? Is it tomorrow?"

LT:" If you fail to follow my advice, I cannot be held responsible for your sabotge!"

.... I ultimately went tot he court and filed. And what did the clerk tell me? That once I filed, if put a "hold" on that Amendment (super spimlfying here) and it didn't have to be filed for 3 more months.... Meaning my attorney had three more months to write it. She probably hadn't even started it.

When I got home from court and I didn't write her right away and tell her what happened she wrote an emotional plea basically saying she was sure I was going to fire her.

Then she wrote another email two days later (before I could digest what the court had said + her whacked out message) that was even longer saying that she couldn't imagine my clients asking what camera or lenses I use, or what f-stop I was shooting at, so I shouldn't ask her questions about her job/my case.

I wrote her a long email back making parallells between my job and hers stating basically that, YES clients DO ask those questions and it is our job to educate them. Also, the more familiar or interested they are in our field, the more questions they ask. Many photographers post a "What's in our bag" page on their website and list all of their gear. Many photographers who specialize in a different field of photography, ie, studio or landscapes will approach me in a dark reception where i am using no flash and ask what the heck settings I am on and to peer at what lens I'm using because they could never get good results like that. (Different technique- natural light shooters use ambient light and shoot "wide open" aka, big apeture. Totally different style.)  Vice versa aplies too. My landscapes suck. Take a look at ALL of my vacation photos!

Anyway, LT didn't respond, so I gave her three weeks, then wrote her to check in. She wrote a flaming email back to me saying  she had demanded my abusive treatment of her stop or she would be forced to fire me as a client. (WTF?) She said she did not want me to take pictures of her (I had offered as a trade), because her uncomfortable, constipated expression would surely scare clients away (something to that effect) from her website. That for all of her tireless hours of hard work on my case had resulted in nothing but a lesson learned.

....

So my therapist thinks that I fail to recognize red flags in other people.

I still offered to take her pictures. I stand by my word.

My new attorney (NA)is a friend from law school and I never felt so put together as when I met with her. I understood everything she was talking about; it was like being back in law school. We were issue spotting, it was like looking at a law school exam rather than me feeling overwhelmed and emotional and lost while LT bounced around ideas I didn't understand. NA thinks in a linear way that makes sense, and didn't mind at all helping because 1.) it's a situation of injustice, 2.) we're friends, 3.) her name isn't going anywhere on this thing so it really doesn't matter anyway whether she's involved. She has a couple of colleagues from her office helping her, and like I wanted with LT, we are working as a team. She wrote an outline for the Points & Authorities for my Amendment, and provided the law, and I just need to plug in the facts and analysis. She'll fix it after I make a big emotional vomit mess of it, I'm sure, or reign me back in, if necessary.

In the parking lot as we said goodbye, she announced she had had tumors taken out of both her breasts. They had done a double lumpectomy right after she graduated law school and is typical of my friend, she told no one. She is too young to have gone through that and it killed me that once again she had gone through something horriffic by herself. I cried in the parking lot and I cried on the way home and I cried that night.

I am so grateful that she's here to help me!

I did it.

Thursday afternoon, at 2:59pm I filed my lawsuit.

My attorney has lost her marbles, I'm not really sure what's going on there; hopefully she finds it. (Her mind, you know. Perhaps under the couch? Perhaps they rolled under there?) But I, myself and I screeched into the parking lot at the courthouse at 2:56pm, and ran through the door just before the court closed at 3:00pm. I had to stand in line and thought for sure they wouldn't stamp my paperwork, but they did, and not only that, they stayed afterwards and talked to me for like, 40 minutes. The clerk was way more helpful than my attorney.

But then again, my attorney lost her marbles.

But we are filed. We are officially suing. TA-DA!

And what a huge relief I felt. I went right out (IN PUBLIC, IN A RESTAURANT!) with my friend and had lots and lots of appetizers and dessert. It was great! Such a huge relief to meet the deadline and just get it done!

August 3rd I hit my 2 year anniversary and I was just numb. 2 years? How is this my life? That's another post.

But that's where we're at.

We got an offer

So I'm a little behind. I am struggling financially right now, and it's got me on edge and that means no blogging, in sum. I should have like 20+ weddings booked for next year. I should be booked 18 months out, but I'm not. I have 1 booked. I don't know what's going on. The part of me that has said it will be fine is starting to get a little panicky.

It's interesting to me that this whole law suit thing is totally separate to me from that issue. Like, despite the fact I'm struggling, this still isn't about money. (Although spending thousands of dollars on therapy is not helping my situation.)  Case in point:

WE GOT AN OFFER.

After my attorney sent the cockroach letter (I hope you enjoyed that), we got a letter back from their attorney going on and on about how we had no case, it would never get past demurrer, blah blah blabbity blah. (They ignored all of the valid parts of our case that are active, and reasonable, and that didn't require breaking new ground, which my attorney is trying to do a little bit, at least as far as I can understand.) Then they said they would give us $1,000 just to make it go away, as long as I signed a FULL release and promised to never talk about it ever again.

Attorney said she couldn't imagine me taking it, but that it was her duty to present me all offers, and that if this was really so stressful for me, maybe I should just take it and start over and try to wash my hands of him. I took a couple of days and talked to a lot of people.

Ultimately I decided I would rather go to court, set $1,000 on fire and lose than take it from him.

It's not about the money. It's about telling my story. It's the cathartic process. It's about telling someone of authority what he did. It's about turning him in, and exposing him for what he is. Even if I lose, even if they don't believe me or think I'm half cracked. Fine. At least I got my 5 minutes.

I hope he thinks not settling is worth giving me my 5 minutes of humiliating him and telling the whole freaking world what a lunatic he is!

(Even if the "whold world" is 5 people comprised of a judge,  a court clerk, a balif and my parents.)

Also, my friend pointed out, they want me to sign a FULL release for $1,000? This is all I talk about!! I'm going to sign a NDA promising to never talk about this ever again? It's like promising to never speak again as long as I live! This is all I eat, sleep and breathe! For $1,000 to give up my right to talk? What else would I talk about? The weather!?

And obviously my story holds some value to them or they wouldn't need me to sign the release.

I told my attorney to tell them they can shove that offer up their a**.

We are going to file instead. So we are really doing this, we are really suing. I'd rather do it sooner than later, but attorney says no hurry.

Ugh. I just want him served.

Cockroaches

The attorneys are going back and forth like waves on a lake shore. Just kind of softly lapping.

Slightly annoying. Very stressful. Ever present.

From my attorney's latest letter,

"citizens have already had their fill of out-of-control police officers spraying handcuffed citizens like cockroaches,"

I admit it. I enjoyed that. And it made me want to go to court. REAL BAD. And 20/20. And where's my Lifetime Movie deal?

Something called the "heartbalm statue" was brought up by retard's attorney, which, my atty has responded to by saying that we can sue in spite of that. (It says you can't sue for a broken heart, in essence.) I'm offended he brought it up at all.

That's not why we're here, and let's be clear about it. This isn't about me being pissed we didn't get married. This isn't revenge and this isn't about punishing him or his family.

The man committed violations of our civil code for which the law provides a remedy. (For one.)

The man crossed all lines against human decency. (For another.) And no one did anything about it.

The man is running around free and clear to do it again. He has no deterant. If anything he's been shown his actions have no consequences. His power as a peace officer has been maintained. He can continue to freely victimize people.

I can't make him be fired. But maybe I can motivate to hesitate before the next time. Is that enough? No. But it's better than nothing.

He has cost me THOUSANDS of dollars in therapy. He forever changed and destroyed my life. I'm sitting here reading about cases of these women... can't be alone with men, can't go in public. They won [in court]. I can't live my life. He purposefully, and with malice, victimized me.  By law, I am entitled to be restored to the state I was in before his actions. That will never happen, or it will take years. But they can try. (With duct tape, and money they can put me back together. Starting with my credit card bills for therapy.)

I told him I had depression. I told him I had been harrassed by another man (an ex-cop at that), and that I had been molested. And he went for it. With gusto. He was senistive, and caring, and used me when he needed me. He told me he was depressed and suicidal and needed space for his own sanity because he knew I would understand, when really, his wife was on his tail and he was trying not to get caught. He knew I would be overly concerned and would do whatever he said because I overly related to what he was telling me.

He financially benefitted from our time together. Not to flatter myself too much, but he physically benefitted too. He had the daily pleasure of my company as I drove 90+ miles a day to visit him on duty wearing that fake name tag. I lost money in gas, wear and tear, time, gifts and who knows WHAT else as he persued the fraud.

I haven't read this in a long time, but I used to have it memorized:

Infliction of Emotional Distress--Elements.

--For purposes of the tort of intentional infliction of

emotional distress, outrageous conduct is that which exceeds all bounds usually tolerated by a decent society, and is of a

nature that is especially calculated to cause, and does cause, mental distress. Ordinarily mere insulting language,

without more, does not constitute outrageous conduct. Behavior may be considered outrageous if a defendant abuses a

relation or position that gives him power to damage the plaintiff's interest, knows the plaintiff is susceptible to injuries

through mental distress, or acts intentionally or unreasonably with the recognition that the acts are likely to result in

illness through mental distress. Moreover, the extreme and outrageous character of the conduct may arise from an abuse

by the actor of a position, or a relation with the other, that gives him actual or apparent authority over the other, or

power to affect his interest. The extreme and outrageous character of the conduct may arise from the actor's knowledge

that the other is peculiarly susceptible to emotional distress, by reason of some physical or mental condition or

peculiarity. The conduct may become heartless, flagrant, and outrageous when the actor proceeds in the face of such

knowledge, where it would not be so if he did not know.




Someone left a comment and said I should listen to the song "Over you." But, I'm not. I'm not over my Matty. This person? The one I'm suing? It's not him. This guy is looney tunes. I don't even know who he IS! This guy is a freak show! A sociopath! He is a totally different person to me. It's not him. It's... I don't know. The closest I can come up with is perhaps an evil twin? LOL My Matty... I loved my Matty, but he is dead. He is never coming back and I know that. I will always miss him (I think), but he is gone. He's like Prince Charming in Cinderella... he was a wonderful fairy tale for awhile... I loved him so much... But he's dead.

Have you ever heard the expression, "Sometimes your knight in shining armor is just a retard in tin foil,"?

Pass the tin foil.

I hate these people.

Stupid opposing attorney responded finally. More than 3 hours past our deadline. He is just a manipulating retard.

This is how this is going to go. He is going to stall, piddle around, ask a lot of questions, and push paperwork back and forth until he sufficiently runs up his bill. Then, if forced, will make a piddling of an offer. I am calling it right now. And I am mad.

My attorney got a fax from them that was overly polilte, wanting to know exactly how we had come up with this idea that Matt owed me any money, because they talked to him, and they plumb well didn't get it! We're STUMPTED!

MYSTIFIED!

PUZZLED!

BEFUDDLED!

Then they asked a series of specific questions citing statutes and theories, blah blah blah. All of which I looked up so I made sure I understood. Fair enough. I assume this is normal when you are trying to similtaneously run up an hourly bill and minimize a settlement offer?

The summary of his questions were: You can't sue for a broken heart, aren't you supposed to sue the government entity first?, my dear, statute of limitations has run out, tick tock!, and, I just don't get where you're going with that.

He didn't contest several things listed that we claimed. At least, I didn't think he did.

If I didn't have so many darn issues with men I would run right over there and choke his fat little neck and tell him to stop being a turd!

SIDEBAR: They TALKED to Matt. How weird is that? Somebody talked to him. They talked to him about me. They asked him questions and he had to answer honestly. (Well, you would assume.) It is both strange and upsetting and overwhelming. I talked to my friend on the phone and it just felt so real. "His" attorney. "My" attorney. We both have attorneys. This is real. Meaning, what happened to me was real. He really did that to me. For real. I have been in therapy for almost two years for what he did to me. Really. Really?

When will I start believing it?

Deadline (They're stalling)

The deadline for Matt to respond to the demand letter was at 12 noon today. (1 hour, 3 minutes ago.)

I assumed he had not responded, but when I checked my email, I had a bcc'd message from my attorney at 11:28am

Please be advised that my client Matthew  has asked that I respond to your letter of June 12, 2012.  I will try to get a letter out to you this afternoon.  This will not meet your 12:00 deadline, but my secretary is out at this time.  My apologies.

They're stalling. (You've had 13 days to respond nimrod!) My atty said I would probably agree to a short extension on the offer. (As long as you're not just trying to stall to force us past the statute of limitations or to otherwise benefit yourself dipturd!) As soon as I saw his [real] last name in my inbox my heart start pounding and I just felt so panicky. I didn't know what to expect. I assumed it was my attorney saying they hadn't responded. But it wasn't. I don't know what to expect. I'm just scared. We'll see. I'm trying to breathe.

If we do settle, I'l have to sign a non-disclosure agreement and won't be able to discuss the terms. But let me say this, she asked for a lot of money. More money than how old I am.

And I am not really 25. I've just celebrated by 25th birthday the last 5 years for fun.

Pray for me. And pray for them. Pray that they do the right thing. Because the "right thing," here is for him to take responsibility for his actions. He has put me into debt paying for therapy. That is an absolute fact. The pain and suffering (overused phrase or not) he has caused is REAL. The damage he caused is REAL. And he needs to take responsibility and pay for what he has done. Pray that he recognizes what he has done is wrong and that he does the right thing by me. I loved him. He betrayed me in the worst way possible. He eliminated my ability to trust anything that I can even see, touch, feel or even KNOW as truth. I can KNOW it to be true, and still not even trust it. You can't put a price on it. He held my face in his hands and told me he would love me forever. That I was the only one we wanted to be with for the rest of his life. That I could trust him. That I could give his heart to him. That he wanted to make babies with me. That he was a police officer and that he was the law and he would never do anything to hurt me or to violate our bond. He told me he wanted to be my husband and that he wanted to make love to me. That he would try to restrain himself past our second week of dating before he proposed marriage. That our children would be beautiful. That I would be an amazing wife and mother. That I was the most perfect partner for him. That we fit perfectly together. That our bodies were made for each other and we were a perfect fit; a perfect match. That we were soul mates.

Pray he does the right thing. And that he repents for what he did to me. And to his daughter. And his wife.

Thank you and MORE back story about Matt

Thank you so much everyone who has written me and asked for invites. I can't actually tell if anyone is reading any of my new posts on here because I don't think it's showing up on your feeds, so none of you are clicking on the direct links. So although I have responded to and sent out more than a dozen invitations, it looks like no one is here.

So if you're out there, please feel free to drop me a comment to let me know you got in here okay and found my posts and are getting updated. This is the third post since we went private.

Post #1 Why I went Private and My Big Secret from You

Post #2 Monday Really Sucked and the Content in Post #1 Scared me into Derangement

Post #3.... You're reading it right now. But here's a link for fun anyway.
I'm still updating at the old address when I update here so you can see in your feed when you need to switch over.

*********************************************************************************

The reason I made the big switch on the addresses and made everything private (did I actually say this before?) is because of the lawsuit.

When I was trying to figure things out back in August 2010, I knew something was going on with Matt but I didn't know what. I hit a certain point in my snooping and I couldn't go any further. I was SURE he was lying, I had already caught him lying about his parent's first and last names, and his brother's, wife and their children's names and where everyone lived. I had confirmed all of that. But I didn't know what his name was, or if there was more to it than that. I was stuck.

I emailed his cousin, who I found through searching who I thought were his parents (actually were his aunt & uncle) on Spokeo and a bunch of other websites and found his cousin, who is a wedding photographer. I recognized the logo pop up in the image search results and I tracked her down. After a lot of hesitation, I emailed her from an anonymous email address and asked for her help. She was very hesitant, but agreed to help me as long as I did not "out" her to her family. Up to that point, all I told her was that I was in a long term relationship with a guy and I thought he might be lying, but I wasn't sure. There was a possibility he might have lied about his marital status and parental status, but I had no idea. I said she should be able to know these things off the top of her head, and I reassured her that this person was NOT her husband or Dad or anything like that.

She hesitated, but said fine.

So I launched into it, and I told her, basically, the sum of my relationship with Matt in a paragraph, including his alma mater, where he grew up, and his full name and career history.

She emailed me back asking for a picture for us together and I burst into tears.

Then she asked to know how I found her.

Then she answered. She told me everything and it was SHE who outed him. She had no idea what he had been doing either, but she told me his real middle and last name, that he had lied about the college he went to (she went to U of O, not him), he had used her parents names, but he did tell the truth about their occupations. She also told me he was married, and her name, and that they had a child. It was she who told me that the tattoo on Matt's back was not of the officer friend who died in the line of duty, but of his daughter's name. And that he had gotten it on vacation in Hawaii with his in-laws... When he was calling, texting and emailing me, claiming to be on a guy's trip.

And during all of our email correspondence back and forth I made a BIG mistake.

I sent her the link to this blog.

At the time, this blog had a giant header of me and Matt; one picture when we first started dating, and another at our on year anniversary. The caption: "Loving since April 2009."

She was totally appalled, and then, as we went through my options, proposed she send the link to my blog to Sydney claiming she had "accidentally" discovered it. I told her no way, it's a private blog, I don't publish the address on search engines, etc., and there's no way you would have found it. My clients don't have access to it because it's private from them. I need that boundary. I gave the cousin my phone number instead and told her I was going to the house. She texted and tried to talk me out of it, but we went back and forth and I TOLD her:

1.) She wouldn't believe a phone call. I'd think it was a prank. The story is too ridiculous.
2.) If I wrote a letter, there's no telling he wouldn't get it first and shred it.
3.) Again, an email, it's not believable. It's not real.

The only real option was to go to the house and tell Sydney what he had done face to face. I told her because she deserved to know. Because she deserved to protect herself from her sociopathic husband, and I deserved to have been told and no one did. I told her, because someone should have told me.

I realized that the other day.

I did for her what should have been done for me. I did it, because *I* deserved it.

When I was in the house she thanked me over and over. "Thank you for being honest." "Thank you for coming to me. " "I am so glad someone could." She said this last one nastily giving Matt a dirty look, but still, it's true. We both deserved to be told. We both deserved for it never to have happened, but since it did, we had the right to know. To protect our hearts, minds, bodies, and for Sydney, her daughter. That she declined to was her choice. One I don't understand, but it was her choice.

Anyway, I know Matt's cousin had the address to my blog. And when I started getting a bunch of weird hits (30 a day?) in a town 10 miles from where he grew up, and where his family still lives about 6 months ago, I freaked out.

Now that we are 5.5 days away from the deadline we gave Matt in the demand letter, I don't what anyone in his family turning up on my blog. I don't want to go to court and have this stuff out there. For the record, if it did, I don't have anything to be afraid of or ashamed of. This is the truth of what happened and what he did. But that doesn't mean I'm going to print the thing out, laminate it, and Fed Ex it to his front porch.

I might do that with some dog poop, though. Can you laminate dog poop? Will it retain the same odor?

I've been watching a lot of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on Amazon Prime before bed, (because it makes me excited for kickboxing class) and in the later seasons there is what is called a "Vengeance Demon" who grants wishes to wronged women. The Vengeance Demon became a demon when her boyfriend cheated on her with a "bar maiden." So she turned him into a troll.

I want a Vengeance Demon for Christmas, please.