An Unfortunate Discovery

About 10 days after the hearing I was reading an article in Glamour Magazine about love scams/online romance scams. Mostly the article was about people who stole innocent people's pictures and used them on dating profiles, then started an intense relationship with someone online, and then somehow got them to give them money.

This isn't exactly what happened with Matt, but it's similar. Same ballpark.

The article mentioned two support websites to turn to for help if you had been a victim. You could get info on how to spot another scam, and how to have a healthy relationship post-scam, and even look and see if someone you were suspicious about had been previously reported as running scams. It even had a little database searcher.

I wasn't going to look at it, I was just laying in bed trying to sleep. And then suddenly I was overwhelmed.

"Get up and look. You'll find it. He's on there."

And I thought... you are such a paranoid retarded freak. SHUT UP.

"He's on there. Go and look. You have to get up. Get UP."

I swear I slapped both of my hands across my face and groaned and swore but I got up. It was like 2am and I was tired.

I plugged his info into the websites. Nothing came up. (See, Emily, I knew you were a paranoid, retarded freak). But then I saw this other search result. It apparently scans the web for people with that user id.

HELLO VOMITING PILE OF SEARCH RESULTS.

Matt is using a third identity and is claiming to be 18 years old in one, and 25 in another. (He's in his early 30's.)  He also still has an active account with the name I knew him as. All associated with that email he used when we were together.

I was alarmed and freaked out and didn't know how to handle the information. People have been telling me for two years I wasn't the only one he ever did it to, but I never really believed them. (I honestly still think I hallucinated our whole relationship most of the time. It's just too bizarre and insane).

Can you think of  a single, legitimate, above board reason why a 33 year old man would be pretending to be 18?

Let's say he hasn't used this in 3 years. Let's say he stopped after the incident with me.

THAT JUST MEANS HE WAS IMPERSONATING A FIFTEEN YEAR OLD, PEOPLE.

These profiles age with the user. That just makes it WORSE.

I posted on Facebook, with my intent to just be, how the heck do I process this information? But I got this overwhelming response of "leave it alone, move on," blah blah blah. All of which was supremely unhelpful  and minimizing of the situation.

Please. Sit down. Think about this. Nice old grandpa who lives next door likes to watch your daughter after school. He's sweet, friendly, Grandma is nice. No problem. Your daughter starts coming home with bruises all over her thighs and is acting secretive.

DO YOU JUST LET THAT GO???

I was not posting on Facebook to request what course of action I should take. I posted for support. I got judgment. As my therapist said, that didn't really help me. It really just pissed me off. And I had posted in a panic at 3am, so way too many people say the post, people who don't even know my situation so I just deleted it.

And then I sat and stewed, as I often do.

I was assaulted as a child.  I would not wish that on anyone. I believe in the laws of this country. I believe in the quote, "If you remain silent in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor." No one spoke up for me when I was a child and was hurt by a bad, bad man. Who is going to speak up now, if not me? What if no one else even knows?

What's one reason why a married 33 year old would be pretending to be 18?

One. Name one legit reason.

There isn't one.

Months ago I posted about how I started shrieking at the computer "HE'S AN ONLINE PREDATOR!" because I came to suspect he met his wife online as well. Well, I'm genuinely suspicious he is. And you want me to turn a blind eye? I freaking think not. Like I could LIVE with myself if he was corresponding with underage girls or boys. I don't even want to think about that. It's a crime. 

Of course, even if it's true, I don't think I could ever believe it, or really acknowledge it in my heart or soul because when I look at him, I see the man he pretended to be. I don't know if I'll ever make that separation. It is very hard to accept the love of your life (to this point in my life) was a fictional character.  I understand his wife to a greater extent than I did. She lives in the land of denial. How could she do anything else? How do you admit you're married to a monster? She has kids. She's surviving. She's also crazy, but I pity her. I wish I could shake her and say, "Don't you know what you're worth?! Don't you know that God loves you? Heavenly Father wants more for you than this! He wants more for your children! Don't you know you're loved?!"

And I don't even believe in God half the time. (But she does and it's a medium she'd relate to.)

(I try, it's a struggle. I'm super analytical. But I recognize religious beliefs provide personal enrichment, so I try.)

So, after stewing a little while longer, I called the Internal Affairs bureau of the CHP.  And I simply asked them, "What should I do?" (BTW, totally did not spazz out on the phone this time talking to the officer. yay me!)

They told me to file a Citizen's Complaint. They said it was the prudent, appropriate thing to do. I clarified about five times.

Then I sat on it for the last couple of weeks. I still didn't really want to do it.

I went to therapy and talked about it, and as I talked about all of my apprehensions, I said, "I just don't know what the right thing to do is." Then I interrupted myself and said, "Of course I do. The right thing to do is to file the complaint. They can't do anything if no one tells them."

This is the right thing to do. I know this is true. I know this is right.

So I wrote it, and then sat on it some more.

Today I went and printed it out, but before I did that, I emailed the investigator who handled the original complaint:

Dear Sgt.

 

You were the investigator on a Citizen's Complaint I filed in June 2011 regarding Matthew L-----------'s use of the identity "Matt T-----." It recently came to my attention that Officer L-------- is using a third identity and is posing as an 18 year old on a social media website. I am very uncomfortable with this information and really want no part of another complaint, but when I called IA downtown and asked them what the right thing to do was, they said I should file another Citizen's Complaint.  I just wanted to ask if you agree with that or have different advice. I am still terrified of L------ and I'm concerned he'd try to claim I was harassing him or something if I filed a second complaint. (That whole bit on the form about the officer being entitled to file civil action is very disconcerting.) But my concern that he may be corresponding with minors, or that he's possibly some kind of an online predator scares me even more. I'm just not sure what to do.

Emily

 

And he responded:

 

Miss -----,

 

It disappoints me greatly to hear these allegations.  Our Internal Affairs Office was correct in directing toward filing another complaint.  Please do not let the required legal wording, located on our form, dissuade you from filing a justified complaint.  Your allegations have many ramifications and if true need to be dealt with.  I have made our Woodland Area's Acting Commander, ----------, aware of your contact and noted concerns.  I will be forwarding your original e-mail (below) to the Woodland Area so they may have it for any possible subsequent file.  If you do not hear from the Woodland Area in the very near future please feel free to contact them directly through the information provided below.

 

Sgt.

 

 

So, with a lot of apprehension, I mailed this yesterday. But the Sgt's comments are re-assuring.

Filed and Soon to be Served

I wish it was easier to post on this thing, but I have two accounts on blogger and it's just a big pain. I also wish I could talk out loud in my car and it would automatically write it into my blog. I do all my best writing in my head, in my car.

'Cause that makes a super lot of sense.

Case got re-filed on time, with all of the info and all of the documents. It is a HUGE mo-fo, with the points and authorities (my story) taking up like 20 pages double spaced. Then there is 8 attachments. Fabulous. Will anyone even read this thing?

It was so huge I found I missed at least one grammatically error by my attorney (or something written so sophisticated I can't understand it. One or the other.) that I meant to fix, and missed, and at least two other weird things or typos I did. Also just bad writing. The darn thing was just too big and I didn't have enough time and I didn't know what I was doing.


I did my best.

My friend who volunteered (with glee) to serve him found that he is no longer with the Fairfield office, where he was when we were together. I initially theorhized they had dumped him/gotten rid of him. Sadly this proably isn't the case because while we tracked him down (my friend called like 5 CHP offices trying to find him and he wasn't on any manifest. Finally some helpful lady who actually had been FRIENDS with the douchbag when he worked in SF -- apparently that part of his story was true, he did work in San Fran once-- found him on a transfer manifest for Woodland.... 10 minutes from my house. Great.)

We went to serve his work and they didn't know who he was, and then somebody remembered! Oh! New guy. Starts on on the 31st.

While the Fairfield office said he hadn't worked there in "a long time," he wasn't yet at Woodland, so he was probably on vacation or leave or whatever, so probably not dumped by Fairfield, probably just managed to finally get that transfer he wanted.

We will make sure that much coveted transfer he wanted goes super smoothly and he is oh-so welcomed on his first day of work when we serve him there. Have fun doo-doo head.  I hope your new boss enjoyes reading about how you tackled and handcuffed a cvilian for your own entertainment.

And BY THE WAY. If he gets found liable on the fraud, he won't be able to testify as a police officer. There's some law. I had heard that, but a judge I was talking to at the park this week said she has the thing on her desk right now and she'll bring it to me.

It guess it's over. (They finished the investigation.)

The sergeant hasn't even sent me back the corrected statement yet. How can they be finished with it? Don't I have to sign it first?

The fact it says in this letter that it will be kept on file for five years says to me he will be keeping his job. I didn't know this was coming, in fact, this was postmarked August 31st, and I just got it out of the post box today, Sept 5th. When I picked it up and felt how thin it was... I felt worried. How can they be done when I haven't signed anything? When they made all those mistakes in the report? I haven't even heard back from the sergeant yet.  And it's over. This is it. This is all I get. I can't even get my friends to help me or return my calls, let alone the highway patrol or law offices. It just makes me want to give up... on everything. What's the use? There is no mention of the cuffing incident, or the forgeries, which I realize where off-duty but they included them in the report, so why include them at all? I feel so violated and just, abandoned, by everybody. My friends can't even deal with me.  I don't even want to deal with me anymore. Because I can't even help myself. It's over and there is no relief.

Almost There

 Source:  http://www.etsy.com/listing/46589328/everything-is-alright-poster

I can't believe we're almost there.

Tomorrow it will be a year.  A year ago today I was beginning to suspect something was very wrong. My world was starting to crumble. A year ago tomorrow it was destroyed. I'm not ready for it to be a year already...

A lot of things have been happening.

The name that Matt had used while we were together- the name I knew him as, was the name of a real person, a co-worker, a police officer. A friend. They were friends on online I found out recently. Even more recently, they appear to no longer be friends... I think this is because they must have found out about the investigation. The "real" Matt, if you will, may or may not have known what my Matt did with his name tag when we were together. I have no idea. But he certainly found out once the Office of Investigations hauled him in for an interview about it... So I think he knows. I think they all know.  I can't think of any other reason why they would have suddenly severed ties with each other.

I reposted my case online [on a legal website], provided more information, and checked allot more boxes. I got allot of calls from attorneys, which freaked me out nicely. None appeared to have read my case anyway. Except one, who seemed genuinely interested. But he had a recent reprimand from the state bar. I read all of the information on it, and it's not THAT bad, considering, but I would prefer an attorney with a clean record, obviously. I already have trust issues, why would I hire someone who already has given reason not to trust them?

A friend did some research and found out that Matt is being sued by someone else. I'm trying to get my hands on as much information as possible. It was filed relatively recently (this year) and my head about exploded when I found out. It really brought to the forefront of my mind all those questions the investigators asked me at the start of the interview- "Why now? Why are you bringing this up now?" The suit had been filed about 5 weeks prior to me filing. I didn't know anything about it then, so it was truly just a coincidence and when they asked me, I told them the truth as it was: I realized we were closing in on a year, I was worried about too much time passing before filing a complaint, and I had been working on these issues in therapy for the last 10 months trying to get ready for this. I also had been unable to find any attorney and that was part of what I had been waiting on. I wanted to do that first. Since that hadn't happened yet, and I was closing in on my anniversary, I felt pressured and rushed (by myself) to take action. I was afraid that if I didn't file the complaint now and I couldn't find an attorney, that there would be no way to take any action against him, or to tell anyone in an official capacity what he had done. So I filed the complaint, very spur of the moment, a very rushed and hurried decision. But that was why. I just found out about this other lawsuit last week. The law suit is work related, but has escalated from local court to federal court already. It could be all fluff, or it might not be. But it probably didn't look good to have multiple complaints filed within such a short period of time, regardless of what happened with the other person.

I also found a way to commemorate my anniversary tomorrow. I am [hopefully] going to be spending it with three little boys, and their mom, who is expecting their baby brother or sister in the next couple of weeks. She lost her husband, suddenly, without warning, to an unknown medical condition a few months ago.  He was only 35. He kissed her goodnight and never woke up. I can't tell you how much it meant to me to get her message and request to do this family and maternity session for her. To do it on a day that means so much to me... I can't even... It means so much. It's what I needed, and it felt like it was God's steering us to each other to open that message. Finding her... to be able to do this for her... I couldn't be more relieved of my burden to give to someone else whose hurting on this day. It means SO much. So, so much.

I only worry because I haven't gotten a confirmation from her yet with the address and everything. I hope it's not too much for her. I'm a little nervous, but moreso very excited to get to spend time with her boys and really preserve this time in their lives. This last year has been hell for me, and I can imagine, it is for her too, but at the same time, you want to remember it because you want to remember where you have been so you know how far you've come. Also, this baby is this perfect present her husband left behind for her, and he or she isn't here yet... they are waiting to be unwrapped... and I get to preserve this last time she gets to be pregnant with this so special baby made out of the love between herself and her husband. That means so much to me. I just so hope that I get to do it....I get teary thinking about it.

Ughhh.

 Source: http://www.etsy.com/listing/73739086/8x10-recycled-art-print-never-go-with-a

As far as I can tell, they are still working on the "investigation."  As far as I can tell, anyway. 

The last email I had from the sergeant he said that they were at a"pivotal point in the investigation" and that they were  approaching the point of "active engagement." That was a couple weeks ago.

I emailed the sergeant last night some dates he requested- he wanted to know the exact dates that Matt had pulled me over "for fun," and I wasn't sure so I had to research it. I was able to narrow down the dates using email and calendars, but couldn't go beyond that without further help. I ended up having to play hardball with the cell phone company to get my records so I could go through them day by day to pick out a conversation I know I had with my friend Kristin in Utah the day the pull-over/stop happened. She and I were talking on the phone while I was driving out to meet Matt for a lunch date and Matt kept beeping into the conversation. I went through the records day by day within the narrowed down dates until I found a series of calls that matched up with my memory, which I did. I passed that information along to the sergeant. 

He responded to me today, thanked me for the research and said that he would check it against what they had already uncovered- something like that. 

So I'm not entirely sure at this point if Matt knows or not. The good thing is nothing has happened so far if he does. I am getting more comfortable and confidant in leaving the house and I am not so afraid. The bad thing is I have had a number of hang ups from a blocked number on my cell phone. It could just be my Mom, but it's making me uncomfortable... The first three weeks following the interview my phone was broken and I was, for all intents and purposes, protected from the outside world because of it. No calls from parents, investigators or friends. No client calls. No text messages. No middle of the night calls from my night owl buddy to startle me out of sleep. It was like being in a cocoon of safety. And an excuse to keep everyone at an arm's length too. I needed that space. Not only could I "not" talk to anyone because my phone was physically broken (drowned in the dog's water bowl) but I wasn't really capable of doing so, and having this 'excuse,' if you want to call it that, protected me. Fewer questions, more hibernating. I needed that for myself. 

It's been a month now, and I'm starting to come out of my hole. I only worry that I'm becoming comfortable with a false sense of safety- if he doesn't know yet, if his family is unaware, this could blow up at any time and I won't be prepared. 

(Of course, that's why I have an attack beagle.)

My secondary worry with the situation at present time is whether they will be able to verify what I have told them [the investigators]. I hope so. That's one my top 5 list of worst nightmares- not being believed. I want them to find everything I have told them, just as I said it would be. I want to be a good eyewitness. I want to be accurate in everything I remembered. Part of me is terrified I have remembered things wrong. I question myself, it's all so serious, you can't help but do so. Did he really sign his name with the fake name on the credit card receipts? Did he really wear that name tag? Yes, that's what I remember... I can picture him signing the slip in my head... I can see the name tag on his uniform now even... But what if they go and find the receipts at the restaurant I told them to go to and it's not signed with the fake name? What if it's signed with the real name? What if I just thought it had the fake name on it? What if he altered the way he signed his real name to make it look like he was signing his pretend name? Or what if I had the restaurant wrong? What if it was a different restaurant where he signed with the pretend name and I sent them on a wild goose chase? I am so worried they won't be able to verify what I have told them.  And I don't think I can ask if they have been successful so far. Mentally, I just don't think I can... and even if I could... I don't think they would or could answer.

I am so worried.

That Name Tag

If you don't know the story of what's going on, you can click HERE for the synopsis, or go to the "Notable Posts" on the right hand column and start at the top to get a gist for what's going on. There's also a summary in my "About Me" and on the topper to this blog.

Part of this interview, and part of my complaint to the CHP about Matt is that he wore a name tag on his CHP (California Highway Patrol) uniform that had the name he was using at the time- Timmons. This turned out to not be his real name as I horriffically found out after 18 months of being together. He had stolen, borrowed or swapped out that name tag with another officer who really does have the last name Timmons.

During the interview, the female sergeant asked me to describe the name tag in as much detail as possible. She told me that in their department, the name tags have decorations on them depending on how long they have been in service, their safety record, etc. All I can really remember about the tag is that it was gold or silver- shiny (I lean more towards gold, but it was dark, so I don't want to say anything for sure, but I thought it was gold.) Anyway, it was shiny, had black or dark lettering and was about the side of an address label- the long skinny kind. (I showed them with my hands the size.)  I remember it being plain.

After the interview, my mind started rolling on this. If they get special new name tags that correspond with their achievements, I bet they don't confiscate or turn in their old name tags, right? I wonder if Matt has an old name tag of Timmon's that he just has, that he was given or borrowed or kept and he just uses or used as his. He didn't have to take the current name tag off Timmon's uniform if that's the case. He could have just used an old one. Anything that had a name on it would have been sufficient. That would have made this alot easier, simpler... logical, don't you think?

And dirty.

I didn't really process these thoughts until afterwards so I didn't mention it in the meeting. So I wonder if the investigators had the same thoughts I did. I hope so.

****

So, I don't know if I should have or not, I'm kind of wishing I didn't, but I googled the CHP name tags and the first few that came up didn't look how I remembered. But then I saw a few that did, so I felt better. I also saw the decoration the lady was talking about, I don't remember that  part of it.

This part upsets me. In the pictures I looked at, the people are all wearing the name tag on their right side. I remember Matt wearing it on the left. Now I feel worried. What if my memory is wrong, or if I"m not remembering it right? Maybe I have it all wrong. I shouldn't have looked at the pictures. I don't want to taint my memory. But that's what I remember. I remember it being on the right hand side when I looked at him, which would be his left side, and his radio being on that side too. I remember looking at that same side of his shirt when we were in Baja Fresh a few weeks later and noticing there wasn't a name tag and noticing there weren't any pin holes in his shirt from the tag either. (Which made me think at the time that maybe he didn't need to wear it or something, if he didn't have pin holes).  After the interview I wondered if maybe it had a magnet back and that's why I didn't see pinholes. But maybe I was looking at the wrong side. But I looked at his uniform all over and I do not remember him wearing a name tag that day! I don't! There wasn't one there! And in that first meeting in Kinder's the BBQ place, when I saw the name Timmon's on his shirt, I remember it being on his left side. But what if I am wrong? Now I feel so worried and anxious. Now maybe they won't believe me because I got this wrong, but that's still what I remember. When I look at these pictures of the uniforms it doesn't look right. The tag goes on the other side, his left.

I shouldn't have looked it up. Why did I do that? :(

Frustrated and wanting more.

I took the time to email the investigator the remainder of the information that had not been reviewed in the interview, and forward him all of the images of accidents they had asked for. What did I get in return?

"Received by Sergeant So and So."

That was it.  For ALL of them, including the at least two page note including additional facts and details that had been missed the first time around. I could have used a little more than that. How about a, 'thank you for the additional information, I will add it to our notes, we will contact you if we need more'? Something more than RECEIVED?

I would have been okay with the received until I got the last email from him maybe 30 minutes to an hour later responding to a secondary note I included about the time Matt pulled me over "for a non-enforcement reason" as they called it. I also asked if I could be notified before or when Matt finds out about everything so I would be prepared in case he or someone in his family contacted me. He did respond to that, but what he said was No, and that Matt would be told to not contact me.

 I'm sorry, but that's not good enough. I want to know if he's going to find out about this in six months or in six weeks or six days.  I can't sit here for the next however many weeks not knowing if he knows, and watching my back! I can't drive into Woodland (where he lives!) and meet clients and shoot weddings (of which I have TWO this year) and be afraid if he or his family sees me that they'll come after me because they'll know I turned him in. I can't, I can't, I can't. Not good enough. I need more information, I need to prepare. I feel seriously freaked out and I really do not trust the investigators anymore. I didn't trust them to begin with, but now I feel so freaked out I really don't. I know that I am triggering right now, and getting myself all upset over something probably someone else wouldn't, (gee, thanks Kaiser for the over-education), but this feels real to me and my concerns feel real. Just telling Matt, "You better not contact her!" and waggling their index fingers isn't good enough!

I want an attorney. I feel panicky. I want to file civilly, I want to do it quickly, before he has time to react to this. But I feel like it's already too late to do that because I already interviewed and turned him in.

::waving hands wildly in the air like a hysterical person::

I'm not ready for all this crap, I can't deal with it, I want it to all go away. Make it go away, I can't do it. Somebody else, please, PLEASE just take care of it. Just make it go away. I am begging you, make it go away. I can't freaking handle it for one more second, I need a break! I have been up all night worrying and stressing, I just can't settle down. I just want it to stop. Make it go my way. Please. Make it go my way. Protect me and make it all be okay. Why can't I just know that it will?

Betrayal: After the Interview

Maybe if I can just.. think of him as having really passed away. If he is really gone, if he is not on Earth any more, than what I have done has not betrayed him. If I can just accept that he is gone and doesn't exist anymore and that this isn't him, that I am not talking about him, that I did not sit in that room, and shake and cry and tell those officers all of the things he did... maybe it will be better. If I can just grieve him, grieve my loss of him, and just miss him in the way my heart misses him, then maybe the pains and pangs of betrayal and hurt won't be so terrible. It is so terrible. I can't even tell you how terrible it is. When I left the house, the last thing I did was listen to Stephanie Nielson's video from her blog, as I have many times, and I drew peace from that. I've seen it so many times I didn't need to watch it. I walked out of the house thinking, "He is at my right hand and at my left. My right hand and at my left. My right and my left. Right and left. Right and left. Right and left." Over and over again. It is one of the most terrible things I have ever done.

"When suffering, we may in fact be nearer to God than we’ve ever been in our entire lives. That knowledge can turn every such situation into a would-be temple.


Regarding our earthly journey, the Lord has promised:

I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up. [D&C 84:88]


That is an everlasting declaration of God’s love and care for us, including—and perhaps especially—in times of trouble."

Elder Holland

Today is the big day.

This morning I will be going in for my interview with two of the investigating sergeants. We are meeting at an engineering firm in a business/industrial district that has no affiliation with the CHP or the state as far as I can tell. I have no idea how they managed to coordinate doing this interview on private property. It is pretty strange.

My mother flew in this afternoon and will be there for at least part of the interview for moral support. I asked the sergeant if it was okay that she be there and he was actually really negative and discouraged her presence. This was primarily due to the same concerns I had- that I would hold back or edit myself in front of her; their concerns were about being able to ask me absolutely anything they wanted to, apparently. (Whatever that means?) He also said she absoutely cannot speak or emotionally react to anything that is said, that I can't be comforting or dealing with her. There are honestly some things I really don't want to talk about in front of her and have debated about her presence. I have a friend who I really, REALLY wanted there (Al) but she can't because she's not local so I guess I should be grateful my mom could be there.

Mormon missionaries stopped by today while I was going through old letters between Matt and I. I thought the timing funny.

Having some problems with my mom triggering anxiety episodes in me. My mom is conservative and proper, but at the same time I'm her adult daughter, so she thinks certain things are okay to do in front of me and they just really upset me. Like she started changing her clothes in front of me. And her feet were bothering her after she got up from a nap and so she was trying to stretch them and they were up in the air, and it just was a very awkward body position.... She also has this habit of always sitting in the car with her hand between her knees/thighs and because her legs are so short, it has always bothered me just because of how it looks, even though she is just tucking her hand between her knees to keep it warm as a habit. Like someone would sit on their hands. All of these things, together and as a whole, all trigger red flags of *SEXUALITY*  and completely and totally freak me out. Honestly, when she started to change her clothes I cried and had to stand up and face the wall and ask her to stop. I felt like a lunatic. Like, seriously, it's my mom changing clothes to go to the dog park. Or she's stretching her leg. Or warming her hand, and it all means, like nothing, but when I see those things, instead of seeing normal things someone does in private, my whole body freaks out and screams something sexual is going on and I need to run away because something very bad and very wrong is happening. It is totally and absolutely because of Matt.

We had this little breakthrough over the weekend, I remembered this instance when I had hugged Matt when he was on duty and he had his bullet proof vest on and he made kind of an "Awwww, shucks!" noise and I asked him what was wrong and he said because of his vest he couldn't feel my body the same way when he hugged me. Basically, he made hugging, a totally normal, platonic, but loving act as partly sexual. This is probably why hugging has been such a trigger to me and why it upsets me so much. My sister's long term boyfriend/partner hugged me goodbye over Christmas and I had a panic attack in the car and couldn't stop wiping my chest, like I couldn't get myself clean, I couldn't get the flithy shame and dirt off my body even though nothing happened... that it was innocent.  I've progressed to the point where I can tolerate a hug without the other person realizing how upset I am (this is primarily with men) and keep calm, but in my head, it is all hysteria still. But outwardly, I am handling it much better these last few months.

Anyway, going through all those letters and papers the last couple of days in preparation of this, and it bringing all of that stuff up again and basically triggering it. So my mom doing those things is absolutely making me hysterical. I am so grossed out and feel dirty and want to scream. For absolutely ridiculous, nonsense reasons.  Just don't ever put on a sweatshirt or something in front of me or brush your hair or I might pass out in terror thinking you're trying to assault me.  I mean, come on! But... I am so serious. I feel sick, I feel so disgusting.

My therapist said (before my mom even got here or any of those things happened) that I am just being triggered right and left because of the interview. I spent the last 24 hours trying to confirm the person doing the interview really is who he says he is. I couldn't find him on the state's website and I was having these overwhelming feelings of paranoia that he wasn't a real police officer, because why else couldn't I find him on the website? After spelling his name about 20 different ways I finally got it to come up, but it really didn't provide any relief in my anixety.

I am just so afraid for tomorrow. (/This morning)

Not what I expected

The sergeant conducting the investigation called me day before yesterday. I have to have an in-person interview. I did not take it so well, to say the least.

They are being fairly accommodating, and he said they would not come in "black and whites" (patrol cars?) and I asked if they would have to wear uniforms and he said they wouldn't. He said we could do it in a public place, but semi-private so it wouldn't be embarrassing for me if I got emotional. There will be two sergeants there, and the second sergeant is a woman, which will be helpful for me. I still have so many problems being around men... I appreciated that. He said it would be recorded and that we could do it in my home. (Which I totally and adamantly declined. No way. I do not want that memory of them being in my home. It would feel violating, and I already feel confused enough because I feel like I am betraying the man I was in love with and in a relationship with, my partner, by doing this. I don't want them in my home. Also, it looks like a hoarder lives here. Nobody wants or needs to see that.)

I really felt like I wanted somebody there with me, and when I was talking to my mom about the interview she just announced (without me asking or expressing it) that she was buying plane tickets and would come to be with me. On the one hand it was such a huge relief. I can't believe my family is finally coming through for me and finally, without even asking is just being there to support me, done and done. On the other hand, I am worried about having to discuss some aspects of what happened in front of my mom. I'm not sure I am comfortable with that. I haven't told her everything and there are some things you just don't talk about in front of your parents. There are lines and boundaries and I am sure those things are things that will come up and I don't know if I should ask her to leave for those parts or just buck up and talk about it in front of her. It kind of makes me think about Elizabeth Smart. Her parents, in all these years never knew what happened to her or what the Barzee's did to her until she got up on the stand and testified at the trial. She never told them and they never asked. It's the same kind of thing. Like the handcuff thing. He handcuffed one of my wrists once as a joke. I don't want to tell my parents that. I don't know if I can speak totally freely in front of her but on the other hand I want someone there and she already bought the tickets.

I am terrified of doing this. I never thought I would have to be interviewed in person. I thought the big event here would be a phone call or a letter in the mail confirming details. I never thought this would be part of it. I wasn't prepared for this. I just laid in bed and cried after I talked to the field supervisor and he told me. I also went and got the stuff to make turkey sandwiches again. (Which is all I ate for months after I first found out.)

Let's back up a little.

  

If you click on any of the highlighted text in this post, it will take you back to some old posts that tell the story of what happened as it was happening. For more information on any part of the back story, you can click on any of those links.  My "Notable Posts" are always listed on the right hand side of this page and will take you to the "biggies."

***If you have looked at this post before, I have since updated (as of 9/2/14) ALL of the links and they should now work. If any don't, please leave a comment and let me know the problem, thanks!****

I had a big post on Friday, but even one of my oldest readers, who was here before anything ever even happened wasn't sure what was going on, and so many of you are new, I think I better back up a little bit.

From January 2009-August 2010 I dated and was in love with a wonderful man who loved me very much. He went through a tremendous amount of  trouble, grief, and despair on an almost on-going basis from just a few months into our relationship which added some strain and of course drama. He was also a police officer and has some crazy work hours.  I wasn't a fan of any of these things, and it was stressful, but he was so loving, so charming, and so deeply committed and in love with me, and I with him, that I knew that we would always be together and spend the rest of our lives together. We discussed whether I would take his name, or hyphenate mine with his, when we would get pregnant, have babies, how many, what kind of ring I wanted, how much he would spend on that ring, on and on. I even contacted vendors and made preliminary budgets for the big day.

August 3rd 2010 I found out everything he had told me was a lie. The only thing he had been honest about me with was his first name (Matt), and his occupation (police officer.) Everything else about himself- high schools, college he attended, where he grew up, families names, friends names, stories about a friend being killed in the line of duty, all of the "trouble, grief and despair" he had gone through had all been made up. He even lied and said his father suffered a debilitating stroke and that he had to move two hours away to help care for him. Not true. The most explosive things I found out were that he had lied to me about his name- his name that we debated about hyphenating was not even his last name- he had "stolen" that name and identity from another officer he knew- and the fact that he was married and the father of a baby girl. She had apparently been born 10 days before we started dating.

I had no idea. And it wasn't easy to figure any of these things out. It took only a few days, but it took 20+hours on the computer digging through county maps and public records and white pages to find all of this out. Even then I had no idea where it was going. It wasn't until I saw her face starting back at me from the computer screen that I realized what he had been hiding from me all this time. There had always been a perfectly logical, plausible and understandable excuse for why I hadn't met his parents (father was so ill!), or been to his home (quickly rented out once the father became ill!). I never saw it coming. Even now, looking back, everything he told me could have been true. It could have just been a great guy with a string of bad luck in his family and personal life.

Healing from this has been exceedingly difficult and I have not made it very far. I do eat now (I almost stopped eating entirely at first and lost 20 or more pounds over 2-3 weeks), and I can leave the house. I'm not guaranteed to have a panic attack if I walk into a store as I was back then, and although I still can't stand the touch or feel of being hugged by men, I can stand closer to men I know now without feeling like my throat's closing in. I have a chronic fear of police and uniforms. I go to therapy twice a week. I cry alot. I'm confused all the time. I still love the man I was with for those eighteen months and I mourn his spiritual death and disappearance from my life.  He was a beautiful match and partner for me and I miss him very much. Reconciling the man I loved with the monster who did that into a singular being has been one of the most difficult hurdles. I'm still not there yet.

Last week I finally took the steps I needed to take and filed a complain with the state and reported Matt to the Office of Investigations within the police department for his conduct. Impersonating another officer, stealing name tags, signing credit card receipts in other people's name and overall exhibiting behaviors of someone who is likely a pathological liar are probably not ideal habits of someone you want to be able to swear in on a witness stand several times a month to "tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth."

That is where I am at now and it is a very scary place. I cried on and off over the weekend, worrying about what will happen. The Captain of his department should receive my complaint by today, and then the investigation will start. I'm afraid of retaliation. I'm afraid of them finding a reason to sue me. I'm afraid of hurting Matt. I'm afraid he will get in trouble. I'm afraid he will lose his job, or his career. I'm afraid of hurting his family. ...I'm afraid he will do this to someone else. I'm afraid he already has. I'm afraid they won't do anything at all and he will get away with it.

I have therapy this morning, so hopefully I can get some of this off my chest and talk about it. I didn't make the decision or even consider it or discuss it until after therapy last week so she doesn't know yet. I'm feeling okay right now, which is why I was able to write this pretty clearly, and unemotionally; I'm feeling detached, but the floodgates will open after my appointment and well... let's just hope I don't drown. :(

Any other questions?

I turned him in.

Probably not what you were expecting. Kind of out of left field. I mailed it yesterday right before the post office closed. I told them everything he did, including possibly stealing the other officer's name tag. I cried the whole way there and most of the way back. I had so much anxiety I couldn't sleep at all last night, which is very bad because I have to drive 4 hours through mountains to shoot a wedding today- in bad weather.

Putting his Captain's name on the envelope made it very real, very scary and very upsetting. I was afraid to put my own return address or name on the outer envelope- what if somehow he saw it or intercepted it? To my understanding, this will first be investigated by his office and is being sent there. So I used another address he wouldn't know and no name on the envelope.

I'm afraid something will happen, and just as afraid, if not more afraid that nothing will happen.

California Highway Patrol

I had a hard time writing this post. So hard it's been over a week since I started writing it, stopped, couldn't handle it and had to walk away and I'm trying again today...I think this all happened back on April 9th

First of all, my hair is falling out again. In clumps.

I assume from the emotional stress. It always happens when I am severely stressed and emotional.

Greeeaaat.

Next, my worst nightmare happened on Saturday. On the road to North Lake Tahoe for an engagement shoot, I got going a little too fast on the way down a steep hill and went over the speed limit. In the center divider, there was a CHP in an SVU. As soon as I saw him I knew he was going to pull me over. I slammed on my brakes but I knew it was too late before I even passed him. I was praying, "Please, please, please don't pull me over, I can't handle this, I can't cope with this, it's too soon, it's too soon!" But at the same time I was still slowing down and changing lanes, my heart racing and starting to pant and panic.

He pulled up behind me fast, lights on. I was terrified.  I had the dog with me and he started going nuts barking and bouncing around the car.  I got all the way over to the side on this really huge shoulder (probably 2-3 lanes wide) and tried to focus on my breathing but I just sounded totally panicky just in my breathing.

When the officer knocked on my window I jumped out of my seat and screamed a little. It was bad.

First I unrolled the wrong window. Then when I unrolled the right window Charlie tried to go after him and I had to hold him back. Then the guy was trying to ask me questions. I tried to answer him and I only got halfway through the first sentence semi-clearly before I couldn't talk anymore and I just laid my head on the steering wheel and closed my eyes and tried to focus on my breathing. In... Out... In... Out. I was trying to go slow, but it must have been pretty fast because the officer interupted me after a minute or so and asked me if I was going to hyperventilate on him. I spoke really slowly and quietly and said I was trying not to. I started to loose it again and started crying and breathing fast and  I just randomly blurted out that I was having such a hard time because

"I was engaged last year to a CHP and he died. And I haven't been around anyone in uniform since."

He said he could see why that would be really hard.  At the time I didn't even really realize what I had just said, it was so in the moment. Afterwards I was so horrified I wanted to write a letter to the station and tell them the whole story of what really happened to Matt. I felt awful. But talking about it in therapy afterwards I understand better why I said that.

Charlie was still barking and bouncing around and he asked me if he would bite or if he was just protective and I said he was just being protective so the officer started baby talking him and I don't know how much time passed (because I still had my eyes closed and was laying on the steering wheel) but when I looked over next Charlie was bounding over the back seat to bring the guy his little baby stuffed yellow duckie that squeaks and was looking at him with this happy face like, "Play with me!" and then he started trying to climb out the window.  (Traitor).

The whole time I couldn't look at him it was so upsetting but I eventually was able to get words out and told him I hadn't been paying attention and I was late and rushing and told him how fast I was going. He said he needed to see all my information but he thanked me for being honest and he would let me off with a warning, and that's when I really lost it. As soon as he said that I just started to hyperventilate and cry hard and I couldn't hold it in anymore. Then he said I was scaring him and he couldn't let me drive like that because I was going to drive my car off the road into a snow bank and I was going to hurt myself or someone else and it wasn't safe. There had been too many crashes like that and I couldn't leave. So I had to promise to stay there until I calmed down and he kept standing there next to the car which just kept making me more upset because it was his uniform, his car, the lights, everything about him just made me absolutely HYSTERICAL. I just could not hold it together any more. I had tried as hard as I could for as long as I could and I had met my time limit and I was just done and I was just bawling my eyes out and I finally told him HE was the problem and he was upsetting me and it wasn't his fault but his uniform was disturbing to me. He said sorry but he kept standing there. Finally he said he would back up his car a ways and wait for me to leave. 

I probably sat on the side of the road crying for 15-20 minutes with him sitting behind me. I felt totally paralyzed with him there. When he left I finally felt safe enough to leave. It was awful. I couldn't calm myself down with him there. This is what I have been afraid of all these months. Everytime I hear a siren or seen a police car or firetruck or ambulance I have this instant fear of being pulled over or having to talk to someone in uniform and I just want to scream and cry and run away and I don't feel safe.  Him leaving was this huge weight off me and I could finally get away, I could escape the danger he represented to me.

I am so messed up.

We spent a long time talking about this in therapy last week and I was a complete mess. I really lost it. I was so upset talking about it the therapist actually asked me to wait in the office awhile until I calmed down, go in the bathroom, get cleaned up, go for a walk afterwards before I drove. You have got to be kidding me! What has this man done to me! Somtimes I think, I am making such a big deal out of nothing, and then something like this happens and the terror is so real...

I ended up telling my story to someone I talk to in the dog park and her absolute horror at the whole story was just so genuine... her absolute outrage... it just made me feel validated for a moment and I thought... What the hell have I been through?

Regarding me telling the officer Matt died, I talked about that with both my Mom and with my therapist and I got the same conclusion out of both conversations, which is basically that, to me, he died. Although to most people I usually just say I "lost" him to avoid telling the whole story, saying he "died" that day, that word slipping out was really my true feelings slipping out. I stopped living my life the day I found out, I became paralyzed by all of these fears, and I have been waiting for him to come home ever since. I have said it over and over to myself, I've woken myself up crying in my sleep, "I just want him to come home." And Jamie (therapist) leaned forward in her chair last week, and looked me in the face and she said, "He's not coming home."  "He's not. He is NOT coming home. He is gone. He's not coming home. He's not coming home."

I felt like my soul died all over again.

I didn't even realize I had been waiting for him all this time.  But... if I just keep everything in my house exactly the same as it was, and if nothing ever changes, then maybe he will come back and everything will go back to normal and be okay. It would be like he never went away, he never "died" and this never happened. A year ago, I never could have imagined I would ever be living a life without him. Even with all the ups and downs I knew.. this is the person for me. He told me he would be with me forever. So that's it. He would be. You don't say something like that if it's not true. So it's true. Of course it's true. So how could he not be here right now? If I just wait, if I am patient, and if everything... just... stays exactly how it was when he left, then he will come back.

But that's not true... the Matt I knew died. He can never come back.  Even if that man over there in that house, the one with the secret wife and child left them and came here and told me he wanted me... that wouldn't be MY Matt. He might look like him and sound like him... he might even feel like him and smell like him. But he wouldn't be him. Because MY Matt was a good man, and would never have done the things that that man did, and he never would abandon or hurt his family. My Matty died. And I guess that's why I said it.

Angry.

But not for the reason you think.

Once again, I got attacked by one of my "friends" because I still have pictures of Matt and I together on Facebook. She said, and I quote, that it was "sick."

I told her if she couldn't refrain from being rude or nasty when speaking then she needed to not say anything at all. She didn't answer; didn't acknowledge it.

I don't care about the context or how she "meant" it to be intrepreted. She essentially called me sick. She knows better. She is a divorced adult with adult children. She knows better. And she called me and my choices sick. What is wrong with her? I think that is just mean! I object to people saying anything at all, but if she was going to butt in, that was a totally inappropriate way to do it. And ineffective I might add. It makes me want to tattoo that picture on my forehead and stand on her front porch so she can stare at it or something! Do you know what I mean? When I take it down I want to do it because *I* am ready and because *I* chose to! Not because someone dictaited orders to me.

I am mad and I keep getting more upset about it. It happened last night.

Yesterday afternoon I played with the idea of taking down the pictures, or at least changing my profile picture. MOST of the people in my life have no idea what happened. MOST people don't even know anything happened at all and think we are still together. The people that matter know, and that's really all that matters anyway... it's not really any one else's business. I wouldn't typically say something like that, I am really open. But given these particular circumstances, I don't want it known to everyone I know in the real world. It's humilating, and again, I can't deal with questions right now. The questions and comments of the important people in my life have been awful enough. Being ignored entirely by people I thought were my closest friends is equally bad.

I love him, I miss him and I feel like a part of me died too. I lost yet another part of my innocence by now becoming more skeptical and less trusting of people in the future. Of now becoming frightened and further intimidated by men... things won't be the same for me. I will have to carry this on my heart for a long time. It will always be there but I pray the burden will be lightened over time. I hope. Right now the constant pressure in my chest from the anxiety and upset and constant verge of hysteria is exhausting and horrible. I want it to go away and stop. And then I hear a siren or a loud noise that doesn't stop and I am triggered and there I am in that house again and not able to escape and scared out of my mind.

I HATE this. I can't tell you how much I hate this. I say that with tears runnning down my face and an exhausted body falling out of this chair; afraid to go to bed, and not able to do anything during the day because I am so paralyzed of what might happen if I do something. If I'm triggered. Or worse, my real fear. That I will see them. Or him. I saw three CHP patrol cars on the freeway on Thursday and I about smashed into the center divider each time I saw them. Luckily I was in stop and go traffic so I was pretty well protected. I feel afraid all the time. I don't know where he works.. So I don't know how to avoid him. I feel like I can't protect myself and I also feel like I can't trust myself or make my own decisions... I feel incompetent.

I am afraid of that man, that husband, that man in uniform. But I cry for my Matty to come home and for everything to go back to normal. I want to be loved, I want to be in love again and feel protected and secure and happy in that relationship that was so at peace and delighted to be in.

Why do I have to deal with this?

Driving to my appointment to check up on my medications with the NP I started freaking out, crying and talking loudly, not quite yelling, at myself in the car. WHY did this happen to me? WHY do I have to deal with this? WHY ME? Why did he pick me? Why do I have to do this? I don't want to DEAL with this! It isn't fair. I don't want to deal with this. Why can't I just have a normal break up like everybody else?! Why did yet another bad thing happen to me? Why did this happen to me?! WHY?!

The NP blocked off a big chunk of time to talk to me which is really unusual. I think the most amount of time I have ever had with her was 20 minutes and I am pretty sure this went over an hour. She said that when someone goes through IOP the entire psychiatry department works as a team to coordinate and moniter my care, because, essentially, I am considered high risk. I can't really disagree with her on that.

She had read all of the notes in my file and knew everything that had happened so I could talk about it without actually having to tell the story which was a huge relief. She talked to me about PTSD- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which no one had actually talked to me about yet. In fact, no one has ever told me what I was ever diagnosed with so I really don't know. I will see the therapist in another week and I will try and ask her then. I myself had wondered about PTSD because I have flashbacks and panic attacks and of course the constant anxiety, but I'm not a medical health professional so I am obviously not qualified to diagnose myself.

She also told me that part of my "fogginess" may be attributed to the fact I've struggled with eating and drinking. She said both low blood sugar and dehydration can cause that slowness in thought so I needed to try harder to regulate my blood sugar and intake more water so I don't become hypoglycemic. This woman is extremely hyperactive but she is so knowledgeable. She pins things down before you even finish explaining the situation. (Practically).

Didn't say this before but I did call the Bishop for the LDS church to ask for a referral for counseling and apparently he might be able to adjust the cost to something I can afford. I called on Wednesday and left a message but no one has called me yet so I am still waiting.

I took a bath today for the first time today in over a week. It was VERY difficult to get out the tangles in my hair. I curled and hairsprayed my hair for that wedding last week and it apparently turned into a big rat's nest. I literally pulled out chunks of my hair... My hair also falls out when I am stressed so I guess I will be bald soon. I had to put so much conditioner in my hair to get out the knots that now it feels super greasy... sigh... I am going to have to wash it before my next wedding tomorrow. :(

I have weddings on Sunday, Tuesday and Saturday. Then my Dad comes in for his 50th HS reunion and then my mom comes to visit during the week... she's staying here so I have to clean my house. Can you imagine what my house looks like at this point? I look like a candidate for "Hoarders" I don't know how I am ever going to make it through the next week.

I'm tired. Confused. Lonely. Lost.

Sigh.

When I started eating again I gained just under 2 pounds right away so I stopped weighing myself so much, but I started struggling again with eating earlier this week so I stepped on the scale today- I thought it would still be up. I was 175 at the lowest and bounced up to 176.8 as soon as I started eating better. But when I checked my weight it was only 174.8. On the one hand it pleases me and on the other hand it's a problem. If I worry about it, I feel silly because I'm overweight, and if I feel pleased I feel guilty because it's not healthy. (Throws up hands.)

Frustrated and Freaked out

So, exciting news, I got pubished on the cover of a magazine. Which you can see over on my work blog--> http://www.eheizerphotography.com/ Which is awesome.

In non exciting news, I got myself all geared up to bite the bullet take the LSAT and start over with law school and now I am chickening out. I don't know what to do.

Beyond HAVING to take a $1300 prep course, which starts on Saturday, which I can't afford and am not registered for yet anyway, law school is a huge expense. I was looking at some legal documents today and I started feeling all freaked out that I am not smart enough to do this and I would be a bad lawyer if I even made it through school this time (third times the charm!) and would get in a huge amount of debt and wouldn't do the things I really want to go, like get married and be a mom.

Sigh.

I have sent in 69 applications in to the state to try and get a job as an analyst, because despite my fame (**big grin**) my income is really not stable and I hate that. I also hate working from home in my pig sty and never going anywhere or doing anything. If I can get a job with the state, all of those woes would be behind me and I could just work, which is something I actually love. I have always loved to work. Getting up and going to work is like, awesome to me. (As is sleeping in on Saturdays). If I got a state job, I would be able to save up the rest of the money for a down payment on a house very quickly. Then I could have my OWN space and my OWN home and it would be so much easier to keep everything sort of clean when you have more than 500 square feet to live in with your two cats and everything you've ever owned in your life right back to elementary school papers and don't forget my entire home based business... Then I could get a dog too, which I really want.

problem. if I go back to law school, am I going to excel in school if I have to work to pay a mortgage?

Mortgage would be pretty low, not much more than I pay for rent now and I have found a home I have absolutely fallen in love with. It's 1100 sq feet, single story, huge back yard, landscaped, has raised flower and vegetable beds and backs to the far field at an elementary school, so lots of privacy. The house is decorated/designed in a very kitschy style, very "Nienie Dialogues" if you know what I mean. the kitchen has yellow cabinets. But it totally works. Most awesomely the current owners have the same couches I do, so looking at their living room looks like I already live there. It's a short sale priced at $139,600. I'm sure it will be long gone before I am able to try to buy it. Which sucks.

But also remember... if I go back to law school, there is only one law school in Sacramento and if I didn't get in there, I would be moving in a year. Stupid to get a house.

I'm confused and overwhelmed. Matt is not doing any better. Now he is starting to like being by himself. He told me he was drinking tonight. At least he is with family so I know he's safe. I am very worried and just pray that CHP comes back to him soon and gives him his job back. We need that SO BAD. He needs it, but I need it too! It determines our whole future right now! Granted, he will eventually find another job if he has to, but getting his old job back changes everything and would happen immediately. With the market how it is, who knows how long it could take for him to find a new job, especially with him rotting in his pit of despair.

Did I mention I was lonely? :(

Big News! (I have a boyfriend!)

I know I have been so naughty lately! Not a post in two months! That's bad.

The honest truth has been, I haven't had much going on the last couple of months to talk about. Now there were some great things, I came out to visit Kristin in Utah, and I went through the Draper Temple, which was so beautiful and I totally loved the experience, I had a birthday, and Kristin came to visit me. So maybe I am wrong, maybe I have been busy!! lol

The biggest reason I am blogging today is because I have big, big NEWS! If you have been checking out my facebook, then you would see that I have a boyfriend now! Yay! We have been "going steady" for 2 weeks tomorrow. LOL It is such a ridiculously short amount of time, but ya, know. Whatever! We started dating 3-4 weeks ago.

Matt is a CHP officer in the Bay Area. He is 29, has been single for 4 years and is ready to settle down. He owns his own home, he has a couple of puppies, his career is settled and great and he loves it. He is just missing the family he wanted! So enter Emily!!! The perfect woman!! (That's what he calls me! :) )

For our first date we just met for coffee at Starbucks. (10% coffee, 45% sugar and 45% heavy cream lol) We talked for two hours and it was great. The only thing that killed me was he was wearing REALLY dark pants ( I thought they were black but he has since told me they were just jeans, but...) and BRIGHT, BLINDING white sneakers! Yuck! I felt like I needed to put some sunglasses on to shield me from the shine off his shoes!! lol But clothing can be changed and I have learned that first impressions are RARELY accurate (physically I mean) and never matter in the end so I just put it out of my head and ignored it and just had a good time.

Then, the torture part! I heard from him and talked to him right away but it took him like 6 days to ask me out again and then he had to cancel! I was DYING! lol I was thinking it wasn't going to go anywhere at all, and I actually made a date with an IT guy to meet for coffee. I was trying not to get attached.

The night I was supposed to go out with the IT guy, I was carrying my computer from my room to the living room to do some work, and the moniter fell off of it on one side! I was really freaking out and very upset. The IT guy canceled our date at that moment over text message (for another reason- he was tired and cranky) and then I was mad about that- especially since he wasn't very sympathetic to the drama that was going on at my house. So who could I talk to? MATT! So I sent him a text message about my computer and he was SO nice and sympathetic and attentive. He was really, really great and made me feel much better. So we started talking again! I don't remember if he was calling me at this point or not. But he was definetly texting me.

After texting all night I encouraged him enough and he got brave and asked me to come have lunch with him while he was working. (He was nervous to ask me out again because he liked me so much. How about that for a crazy reason to not ask for a date! But he was just afraid of messing it up, because he really liked me.)

I was WAY more nervous going to lunch than I had been when we met for coffee, and was really intimidated because he was in his uniform. (Uniforms are scary! But cute... but SCARY!) But we had a good conversation and a nice time and we gave each other a hug for the first time when he said goodbye. (He got a call and had to go.) After that he told me he wanted to take me out on an official, "real" date and go to dinner. So he asked me out for Friday. (We went to lunch Wednesday)

The next day he texted me alot and then asked if he got off early if he could come visit me! So he did! He came over after work and we hung out! He is allergic to cats, but he had thought ahead and took an allergy pill so he felt ok while he was here. We talked and hung out for a long time and then we went and got a pizza. Since I have been dieting for so long I haven't had a pizza in AGES!!! And it turns out, we both love the exact same kind of pizza- Pizza Hut, with a pan crust. Ooooh it was so good! Deep fried bread- YEAH! So we had dinner, and the whole time he had been here he was on one couch and I was on the other. So after dinner I asked him to come sit by me, and it just sort of happened naturally we were sort of snuggling up and I was holding the cat (lol) and we just looked at each other and kissed! Whewhoo! I remember I said, "I did not think you would be kissing me for the first time when I had a baby in my arms!" (I was holding my kitty Amelia. LOL)

So anyway, the next day he had off from work I think, and we basically hung out the whole day. I don't even remember what we did. I think maybe we went to Ernesto's for dinner. (Where Kristin and I went!) It is a really great mexican place, and it has live marriachi. The funny thing is we basically couldn't talk through the whole dinner because the music was SO LOUD. THey came and played right by our table and basically we could only communicate by rolling our eyes at each other about the marriachi band! lol

We had a good dinner, and we talked about alot of things in the car to and from the restaurant. He told me about loosing a colleague at work, and I told him about the problems I have had with depression and being home alot, etc. He was really empathetic, and didn't mind, and didn't think it was a big deal. He even said he was really happy that I felt comfortable enough to tell him. I thought that was great. I was really nervous about it, but I just started telling him randomly in the car, and there you go!

Anyway, we got home and we were going to watch a movie and what do you know we started talking and I said "Do you want to be my boyfriend?" And he said Yeah! LOL So that is how I got a boyfriend.

I am really, really, happy. He is really sweet, and loving and I know he has BOTH of our best interests at heart. He told me he only believes in dating for marriage and not for just for the sake of dating. He has told me over the last couple of weeks that he has really high hopes for us- that we will get married and have babies "down the road". That is his favorite phrase in realtion to this subject! He is very enthusiastic about the idea that I am the right person for him, but when he says "down the road" all the time I keep thinking he is not going to marry me until I am 40 or something. Which I know makes no sense but I just keep thinking that! He is 29 and he has said before though that he wants to be DONE having kids before he is 40. And he has already agreed to having 5 kids with me. LOL So 5 kids, 2 years between them, that's 10 years! So he has 1 year to marry me I guess! lol

In all honesty there is no timeline or anything, it will happen when it happens, IF it happens. BUT, I do really feel (knock on wood) that this is the right person for me. If I made a list of all of the qualities I want in a husband, a partner, someone to spend my life with, he has every single trait I could wish for. He is so considerate, and attentive and he really listens to what I say. Last week he came to my house and made me dinner. He brought me flowers- they were beautiful!- becauseI had said I had only ever gotten flowers once before in my life. He made me dinner, and I made a 4 layer raspberry cream torte chocolate cake with ganache frosting, which I basically invented as I went along. The dinner was really good and he made me a HUGE bowl of guac! (Because that's my favorite food!) I was telling him not to let me see the raw chicken because I really hate raw meat and I never cook meat. I was telling him how I was always asking my brother in law to grill me some chicken breasts someday. He asked me a couple questions about how I liked my chicken, and he said, I can do that for you! And guess what! The next time I saw him, there he was with a bag of grilled chicken, just for me! :)

I am really happy. He makes me very happy. I feel like the luckiest girl to have found someone so nice and kind and loving. He has already told everybody he knows (literally!) about me, including his parents, and has been showing off my picture because he thinks I am beautiful. It has been really great. I hope we get to spend alot of time together and get to know each other really well. I hope that this is it for me. I really cannot imagine someone more perfect, but you never know, so let's just hope! Hope, hope, HOPE! I know he would take good care of not just me, but my heart too. :)

I just got word from Matt that his overtime for Sunday was canceled, so I can see him then! So hopefully I will get some cute pictures of us then! :)