Christmas Ornament Wreaths!

I got this project from Michelle's blog, who got it from someone else's blog, who got it from Eddie Ross' blog- a site which I now totally love. This was the best project ever. It was super easy, took no time at all, looked great afterwards; totally rewarding! I loved it!

My sister's house (Kristin) is all purple- she has lavendar walls in her kitchen, deep purple couches in her living room, with dark plum paint from the chair rail down. She is obsessed with purple- has been her whole life! So I made her the purple one. I did that first. I did everything wrong on the first one. I didn't really get the logistics of how you get all of the balls to face the front and stay that way- took me a bit to realize you just pack as many balls on the hanger as you can and then it is full from all sides. Yeah, little slow. Anyway, when I was trying to figure it out, I just started sticking the balls (From the 99 cent store- dollar tree didn't have any) on with the little elastic loops still attached- yeah dumb. Then I had to try and cut them all off after the wreath was assembled. Didn't really work. Oops. Oh yeah, and I for some reason thought I had special balls and didn't have to glue gun down the the tops of the ornaments to make sure they stayed on... so they started falling off. Oh, I am a bright one!!!



The little Snowman ornament at the top is just randomly sitting there. I am going to put a bow there, but I put the Snowman there in the meantime. When I was in high school I used to do craft fairs and I sold little stuffed snowmen with scarfs and hats, and then mini snowmen with a wire loop at the top as an ornament- this is one of the leftover ones from back then! I designed him myself. :) All my snowmen were so cute.

I had it all figured out by the time I did mine, which is blue, to match my house, and I love it.

I ran out of balls right before I finished mine, so I went back to the store to get a couple more acks and in the meantime had talked to my dad about the project and he sounded very interested, and so I ended up getting red and silver balls to make him one too. I am going to run out of hangers soon! LOL

I did run out of glue sticks, so I can't finish his yet, but I will get some glue tonight and finish it, but here it is 2/3's done.

Thanks for the great links Michelle! Kristin, you have to make a pink one! I don't care if you are too busy!!! PLUS if you do it in pink, it will look christmasy, but you could put it up at Easter too! How about that?! So cool! :)

BTW the colors on ALL of the wreaths, but especially the purple one is totally funky and off. I may be a photographer, but I am perfectly capable of taking bad pictures too. LOL I will take some tomorrow in day light and you can really see how pretty they are. The colors in the pictures are way off- they are so cute in real life! And there is no gold in that last wreath- those are silver balls- they look gold in the picture tho. Weird!

Kristin's Visit

OK, I know this is six months late, but better late than never, right?

Kristin came to visit me back in March, I think to do a whole lot of shopping, and eating! Our two favorite activities for sure!

One of the things we did was we went to this burger joint that was featured on the Food Network, and got so popular because of the spotlight on Diner's Drive-In's and Dives, that they are expanding to two more locations- even thought the original location has been sitting there for like 20-30 years!

they are famous for their big burgers, and cheese "skirts." It was amazng, and I ate every. single. bite. Wow. Look at those burgers!!!

A Second Update

I just realized my latest post doesn't make total sense, because I left you hanging last time. Matt came over that day in August, and it was like nothing was wrong. We went to get him a caffinated drink because he had a headache, and went for a little walk, and we went to PetSmart with the cat (he even rode in my car!) and walked him around on a leash, and we picked out a new pet fish, a red betta named Marlin. Actually, Matt picked out one fish, and picked another, and we held both up to Tootie and let him choose which fishy he wanted for a baby brother. He picked Matt's fish, of course. Everything was fine. He told me I was his best friend. He was optimistic about us, and said that he just needed to try and think about the situation differently and maybe he could cope with the stress. He came and visited again in September too, and that was great too. Everything was fine.

And we broke up, over the phone, basically over the long distance thing again. He just can't handle it. Doesn't want to do it. Doesn't want to even try. Just not capable.

So that was it.

Just Plain Old Not Happy

So, you knew it was coming, or some of you already knew it happened, but Matt and I finally actually broke up. We have been broken up for one week- it happened last Monday. We actually never even finished the break up conversation, we got half way through it and he had to go because he was doing an overtime shift at a Cal Trans site. He said he would call back when he could, but never had time. We texted some on Tuesday, and I tried reaching him Wednesday without success, and finally just sent him a final text message, "Be Safe. Good Night. I love you." And that was all I planned on doing, again.

Saturday I did this wedding in Sonoma, in the Napa Valley. I was sitting on the sidewalk outside the bride's room photographing the rings and the bridal bouquet, when my phone started going off. I had a text message from Matt, saying his dad was back in the hospital.

I didn't know how to respond... We're not really together, even though we didn't finish our talk, and so I didn't know what my role was supposed to be. But I didn't want him to feel like I didn't care, because I do.

So I said I was really sorry, and asked what happened, and he said he didn't really know, just that one side went numb and he was on his way over then. So I told him it sounded like a stroke again to me, and that I was really very sorry and to let me know if he needed anything. He said Thanks, and I sent him one last one and asked that he keep me updated.

I haven't heard from him since, so I don't know what's going on, and I am worried. I love him, and I worry about him. Nobody takes care of him, and he just takes on everyone else's stress. It's not good for him. But it's not my place right now to intervene or participate in this... At least I don't think so... I just don't know.

I didn't ever get an update on the situation, so I did decide to give him a call this afternoon and check in. I just left him a voicemail message that I was thinking about his dad and wondering if he was ok, and just that... I was thinking about them.

So it's the middle of the night, I'm laying here thinking about him, and worrying about his dad, and just missing him SO much. I just really do love him, and just can't help but hold on to that so confident thought that I have had these last 5 months we have been together that he is the right person for me. And I feel lost without him. I am handling it very well actually... thanks to my medication probably. But right now, I just feel like part of me is missing. And I don't know how to find it again, and I don't know that I will ever get it back. And that is what makes my soul ache.

Now what?

Matt is coming over on Friday. He's made it clear we are breaking up because of the stress the distance puts on him. I am extremely unhappy and am having a very difficult time. I feel very defeated and really feel there is no point in trying again with someone else. Matt is the epitomy of what I want in a partner, and I am everything he wants, and it still isn't going to work out. Why bother trying if even the perfect person for me can't be with me? All of my dreams were coming true in one amazing blink of an eye, and with an equally quick swoop they are being taken away, yet again. I can't keep doing this. And I don't want to. Maybe dreams are "dreams" for a reason.

I had an interview last week with a family law firm, which is yet another job I did not get, but the interview itself, and the attorney who interviewed me were very inspiring. I contacted the admissions office at McGeorge School of Law here in Sacramento and had an appointment with the Dean of Admissions about my situation. He said I do not need to take the baby bar exam and in fact, he advises against it. He said I am eligible to reapply to law school as a first time student after a 2 year waiting period. It has already been a year, and he advised me to begin appying to schools this fall. He also told me to take the LSAT (law school admissions exam) again. He said the things that happened to me in school were extreme and the admissions council would be sympathetic to that, but I would still need to prove I have the academic capability of suceeding in school. In other words, take the LSAT again, and do VERY well. he also said having an attorney write my recocmendation letter- personally vouching for me would go far. He was very positive about that firm I applied at, since it's a one attorney firm I would get a TON of hands-on training and the experience would be invaluable. But I didn't get the job.

If I started over, I could REALLY start over... I could apply to any school I wanted- I wouldn't be limited to my state accredited school. I could go anywhere. Even McGeorge. (Where I had my appointment.) But that also means starting over from scratch. Right back to when I was 22, studying for the LSAT with a bunch of other fresh faced college graduates. It feels like a big step back. But it could also be a big step forward... The advisor wanted me to apply this fall, to start in the fall of 2010, but I think that is too soon. My personal situation has not been smoothed over yet and I'm not ready to committ. I'm not well yet and I am still figuring this depression stuff out. At least I can frankly look at my situation and recognize that now. A couple of years ago I couldn't... and that's how I got into this mess.

Now what do I do? School is encouraging... the Matt situation breaks my heart and I feel myself loosing all of the faith I had left in my future personal happiness...

Sick

I am just plain old sick. Not sick with a cold. But sick in that I feel horrible- it's the depression stuff. I had a really bad time a few weeks ago and it was REALLY bad, and then gave me a second medication to try and help me. Which it was, but today I got swept up in some drama with Matt ( maybe not drama, but it made me upset, so that's what I am calling it.) and I completely forgot to take my medication all day, and I am supposed to do two separate doses twice a day of two dierent kids of medication and I forgot all of it until after 10pm, when I was feeling really weepy and awful... and then I remembered. I wonder if just missing it one day like that could make me feel that awful that fast. I don't know. Anybody know?

Anyway, I just feel horrible. Really down, really sad, weepy, unmotivated, exhausted. I'm just so tired. And today it was worse because I laid down and I fell asleep for a moment and instantly woke up startled, like, I jumped a foot off the bed kind of thing. That happened every single time I started to fall asleep. I'd drift off and JUMP! One time I like punched my fist, or hit myself, or the bed, or I don't know what, but it was weird. It was hard to not feel good and then not get relief from taking a nap.

I didn't talk to Matt yesterday, and he started messaging me first thing this morning, and that was great. But after an hour or so he dropped a bomb on me, that he needed to save money because he might buy a house. I got really upset, and he didn't answer my messages for almost 2 hours. I called and left messages and texted and said he needed to call me. And he called and he said, well 99% of the reason he moved was for his dad but it was also because he misses him family and being there these 6 weeks has made him even closer to them, and he wants to keep his options open and save money so he can buy a house, and then he will sell this one.

I feel really deceived. All this time I have taken him at his word that he has been too busy, and that he is miserable all the time and work is awful. And then today he told me he doesn't miss his old office at all and that it is great to work up there because it is so beautiful there, and that he has more friends there than here, because there are family friends there. And being there these 6 weeks has brought him so much closer to his family and if he is down here he can't see them whenever he wants.

I feel like he is forcing himself into choosing between me and his family and that is ridiculous, he doesn't have to do that. If he lives here he can see them whenever he wants. But he says he can't. I don't understand.

I am really, REALLY upset. I picked wrong again. How did I pick the wrong guy again? As a person he is perfect for me, and yet he is so overly involved in his family he would rather be a single bachelor for the rest of his life and live down the street from them than try to build a life and family of his own with me- and still see his family. He can have it both ways... he just can't have it up there like that. If he feels this disconnected and distant from me and so close to them after 6 weeks that he has already gone back on what we discussed about not buying a house there at least until the 6 months were up and only if his dad was in bad shape.... if he is already like this after 6 weeks... how could we possibly be together these 4.5 months he at least has left if he has already pulled away so much? He needs to change what he is doing, since he apparently could call me and communicate with me more than he has. He told me today he is a bad communicator. No, really?

He told me on Friday that his dad is getting back to his old self and is much better.

I feel heartbroken. I don't know what to do. Why does this keep happening to me? What am I doing wrong? How am I picking them wrong? He is so right for me. He was everything I wanted and more. He would be a wonderful partner and father and provider, and he loves me. And... I don't understand. I am so upset. I feel lost. I don't know what's going to happen. I didn't know I could be in a relationship where we were both crazy about each other, and loved each other and someone could tell me things like they love me and think I'm beautiful and want to be with me forever... and then tell me that they are considering moving 2 hours away so they can see their family every day and just cut us off, just like that.

I am so hurt. :(

Raspberry Cream Torte

There is this cake at Freeport Bakery here in Sacramento that we frequently get for birthdays. It is called a Raspberry cream torte. It is a chocolate cake on the bottom, and then like 4 or 5 inches of fluffy raspberry whipped cream stuff, and then the entire thing is covered in chocolate ganche.


A couple of weeks after Matt and I started dating, he cooked me dinner, and I spent the several days prior working on my dessert- my own version of a raspberry cream torte!


I took one small carton of heavy whipping cream, sweetened it with a bit of granulated sugar I think, and mixed in mashed up fresh raspberries and raspbery jam when I whipped it stiff. I believe it naturally turned pink, but you can dye it if it's not pink enough for you. Actually, I think I might have used two small cartons for this one, since there were so many layers.

Then I baked two chocolate cakes from mixes- they were like a $1, so it was cheap, and I"ve never been successful at making any chocolate flavored baking item like that anyway for some reason. I only had one pan, so I had to bake and cool them one at a time. Once that was done, I cut each cake in half horizontally, so I then had 4 cakes. I put each on parchment paper, and then spread a mixture of mashed fresh raspberries, and raspbery jam/preserves on the top of each one and let it sit in the fridge like that overnight.


It took me maybe 3 or 4 days to totally finish this cake because I wanted to take great care in doing it right, and making sure it was as flavorful as possible.



Plus I always bake at night, so eventually you have to go to bed too. Cake also works better when it is a bit dried out, so it doesn't crumble when you stack it.



Then I started stacking the raspberry soaked layers. I filled up a pastry bag with my raspberry cream, and made nice thick layers in between each cake. I started off with making a "dam" around the edge of each layer, just a half inch or inch in from the edge so it wouldn't squirt out. (This is why everything should be cold when you are working with it too. I actually put the cakes in the freezer for awhile before I started doing this.) then I filled up the middle with filling, making a high, high layer of cream in the middle of each. So there are a total of 7 layers in all.

I did this in layers by the way, because I could not think of a way to pour ganche straight onto the cream like the bakery cake without melting it all.


Then I stuck the cake in the freezer for awhile so it was cold and protected from melting for the next part.


Then you make the ganache. I used a big bag of hershey's semi sweet chocolate chips, and melted them in the microwave with some oil. I make a chocolate peanut butter pie (in the archives) that has a oil/chocolate top, and i've never had luck making real ganache in the past, so i did it this way, since I knew it was easy.


I dumped a bunch on top and make a crumb coat layer, essentially, just like you would with buttercream. I let that set a bit ( and i the cake is too cold then the chocolate hardens up really quick and can be hard to spread, so it's a careful balance. I just made it work how it was. It does need to be cold tho.) Once it was set, I did another layer, and covered it until it was pretty. I used the leftover cream to pipe on the top with the star tip, and lacking anything else to write, wrote "ME" since i made it. Volia! I let it sit in the fridge overnight again so the layers could really mesh and blend together, and the cake was amazing. Matty loved it! :)

And just for fun here are the pretty flowers Matt gave me that night. :) I dried them so I still have them.

Pre-Interview Post!

I did it! Finally after 8 months of applying for jobs, I finally got an interview at a non-bogus/sketchy company. YAY! This job is for a Records Clerk at an environmental law firm. I am not into environmental law, but a law firm is a law firm and I really need a job. In the back of my head I am saying to myself that I will keep applying for jobs at the state even if I get this job. But it will all depend on pay. I have no idea what ths job pays. By the looks of the company, they are VERY large (400 lawyers! across several states too!) and therefore may be able to adequately compensate their employees. They've worked on alot of high profile cases (they list them on their website) including the lawsuit against Wendy's for the lady who claimed to find a human finger in her chilli. (She had planted it there in order to scheme money and is in prison now folks, so never fear.) So that is very exciting. It could be a very significant employer to put on my resume if they are as well known as a I suspect they may be. I am very excited to even be interviewed.

I hope:

that it is an awesome place to work.

that I would love the job.

that it pays what I want and/or need it to.

that I get the job.

that I am super happy.

that it doesn't affect my ability to see my Matty......


Interview is downtown at 130pm. Hope I can find parking!!!

I guess I better update!

Things with Matt have flip flopped again!!

I talked to him about everything last Saturday and he was upset at first and jumped to the wrong conclusion, but by the end he somehow got the point. The very next day he started saying good morning to me again, which I love, and he has even been able to call a few times. turns out he is unhappy at work. The next youngest guy on staff has been a cop for 15 years. Matt is 29. The guy next closest in age to him is at least 40. This is an issue. Especially since he is new, he has to work a day shift the first month to learn the area. This means that some guy who has had that shift for 20 years just got put on a swing shift and is MAD!!!!! Everyone is shunning him and treating him badly. They even have an acrnoym for it.... I will edit it for you but it is something like Pooping New Guy. But the first word actually starts with an "F". Matt is really religious and conservative and he is NOT happy about his new "nickname". I am also concered about his safety as they are not teaming up with him like they should. This has created alot of stress and discontent for him.

So, that explains some of it. And once he started calling he did mention it. I know he is very unhappy at work. Which makes me really sad because he LOVES his job, and always has. He has not had this happen before, so it is very, very unfortunate.

We talked all last week, and then on thursday he was able to com efor a visit. YAY! His first visit!!! :)

He had court at 130pm, had to leave my area by 11am, but couldn't start the drive to Sacramento until 8am when he called the court. He planned to be here from 10am-11am. A short visit, but a visit is a visit, so WHEWHOO! If he didn't have court, he would have to go on his regualar shift at 10am, so I was really hoping he had court.

I set the alarm for 8am to check in and see if he was coming, and then get up and clean some if he was, or go back to bed if he wasn't.

I texted him, "So do you have court? Are you coming?" He texted me back "I'll be there in15 minutes" AHHHHHH!

Apparently he wanted to see me so bad that he just decided to assume that he was going to get called in to court and just left at 63oam to come see me so we could have some extra time together!

YAY!

We had a great time and laughed alot. I love him so much and I know he loves me so much. It felt really good to have some fun time without any stress or drama going on. It has been a long time for us! I got him for 3.5 hours and it was great! I can't wait to see him again! He has been good since then and I have heard from him everyday. Mostly he has said good morning to me everyday, but I got a few I miss you's instead too. :)

So let's hope it will be smooth sailing for awhile! We need the break!

Next, I have so far submitted 8 applications to the state, all for a "staff services analyst" job with job duties that are different for each department.

So ar I sent applications to

Department of child support services
families first, dept of child and family services
California Highway patrol ( I could work for the chp like Matt!!! But I would be at the academy, but still, maybe I won't get anymore tickets now! lol)
dept of consumer afairs, pschology division--- 2 apps went here
cal trans

I can't remember the other two..hmmm

anyway, cross your fingers for me!!

My friend Michelle and I are going to a 9am showing of the new harry potter movie, and lunch aterwards, so I am hoping to have good fun tomorrow!

I also pulled a bunch of money out of my savings ( which I hated doing :( ) and paid off my credit card. But then I charged groceries, so now I owe $75, but that is a small amount.

More bad news, I got my first ever complaint from a client about pictures. Sadly it turned out that they were lying because they couldn't afford to pay me their finaly payment and asked to be released from their contract. So, I don't have a wedding on August 8th anymore. But that does mean I have a weekend free!

Another bad thing, another bride took a funny email I sent her the wrong way and is writing bad things baout me online, but acting like everything is fine when she talks to me directly. I don't know what to do about that, but it is very upsetting. They are also having money issues and are using this as some kind of excuse... ugh.

I cannot wait to escape my job!

A good thing was the wedding I did last weekend was in san franciso and was great!

I also went and saw that sandra bulluck movie- the proposal- by myself last week. I was all upset so I needed a break so I just went and I felt better. Yay for emily for taking care of herself!


Now we just need to get me to stop eating and go back to the gym before I start gaining weight!!

What next?

......Deep Sigh.......

Emily is NOT having a good day. I am not feeling well, I am feeling very bad actually. And by "feeling" I mean emotionally, not physically. :(

Matt left Tuesday afternoon and everything was great. He messaged me the whole way up to Redding. But the second he got there, he stopped answering my messages.

...Ok, so he is having dinner with his parents, and getting settled.... that's fine. No biggie.

All day Wednesday, nothing. I shoot him a message early that evening, and he says he's been asleep all day and is going back to bed again. Ok......

Thursday.... nothing all day. Nothing. It's his first day of work too, so I know he has to be up at some point, and when he was here on Tuesday, he said he would be more able to talk to me on shift because he would have a signal in places on the highway. (No signal at his parent's.) At 10pm or 11pm, maybe it wasn't even until midnight, I messaged him and he sent me two messages back, then nothing. No goodbye, no goodnight, nothing.

It's is now 8:30pm on Friday, and so far today? Nothing.

I realize he is settling in. I recognize it is probably a little freaky starting out at a new office, and you're the lowest on the totem pole. I am sure his parents are very distracting.

But the last 3 weeks have been pure hell for me. Yes, I know they have been bad for him too, and yes I feel bad about it. But now he is up there, and he has committed to being with me, and I need him to go back to the normal "I"m a fantastic Boyfriend" Matt. I feel very insecure, very neglected, and am now totally questioning whether I should be doing this. I don't want to be on a constant emotional roller coaster with him. I can't take it. It is really taking a toll on my depression stuff and at this point I feel like my medication is not even working. I am sure it is... but the fact I feel SO bad, and SO low despite being on really high doses of anti-depressants, that it is really a testament to how much this has stressed and upset me.

I need reassurance, I need to feel loved, and I need that security that has been lacking the last few weeks. this week has been a total emotional rollercoaster and I don't know what to do about it.

He is supposed to be back here on Sunday or something, but he hasn't told me his plans or anything, and i didn't have a chance to ask him since he keeps stopping sending me messages while we are texting before I can ask, and I don't even bother calling because the connection is SO bad.

I am really tired of this. I feel awful. I do love him, and I think he is a GREAT match for me, and I can really see us building a life together... BUT I am just exausted and I really need somebody to take care of ME for awhile.

:(

I got so upset earlier this afternoon I just got in bed and laid there for a long time, and then realized this really wasn't very healthy so I got up and went to the movies by myself. It was hard to relax but it was a good break. I saw "The Proposal". It's was cute. I dunno if I would buy it, but I would definetly watch it if it was on tv. Then I wandered around Target teary eyed.

I am so tired.

Going to my aunt & Uncle's for the 4th... I am bringing some reese's brownies and I am going to make a flag cake (the one with the strawberry stripes and blueberry star part. I haven't started either yet. But I don't have to be over there until around 4pm tomorrow so I have time.

Drama up the Wazoo...

The last few weeks have been SOOOOOO POOPY. :(

But it's getting better!

Finally, finally, FINALLY after over 2 weeks without seeing him, and 3 weeks since spending actual time together, Matt and I sat down together on Monday at my house. At first things were chatty and fine. Then we started talking about things and BOY WAS THAT BAD.

Basically, rather than openly discuss stuf and come up with a mutually agreeable plan, Matt was like, no, I'm not doing this. I love you and I care about you but I hate long distance relationships and I'm not doing it. My feelings are black and white, and they are fact, LDR's do not work. If we had been together a long time, like a couple o years, or lived together, that would be different and I would be willing to put in the effort, but I still wouldn't like it, but we've only been together a few months and still don't know each other well and I am not willing to put in the effort.

So I am stating all of the logical argument back, but at some point I realize his mind is so closed off he can't even physiclly listen to me because over the last two weeks o obsessing about this- and talking to NO ONE about it, he is really hardcore in his descion and I never had a chance, period. (Which is what I suspected anyway, but I did not expect him to be so hard lined.) He sat there most of the time with his arms folder across his chest (defensive and closed off) and not looking at me.

He also told me that he could buy a house up there for the same price of renting and he was probably going to do that, and then either he would sell the house here, or when the market turned around, sell the house there for a profit. He said it wold probably take like 8 months to find a house and buy it. I think this is a dumb idea. Why make a HUGE financial committment when you are already complaining about not having enough money AND you want this move to be a temporary thing?

I made him look at me when I was crying and his eyes were ALL glossy and I knew he was trying not to cry too. He wasn't trying to be mean, but he was really upset too. After I accepted what he was saying, I calmed down a little and I told him, well I want you to come in my room and lay down with me and snuggle.

He looked at me like I was nuts and was like, that would make it WAY worse, I am not doing tat, that is too hard and I feel too uncomfortable. We went back and forth about it for at least 20 minutes, and i even stood up and pulled on his hands some.

He kept saying he was a jerk and that I would never talk to him again and that he didn't blame me if I hated him, because he hated himself. I said, I am not like that. that is not who i am.

Then I told him that if he was going to leave me, and break my heart, that he owed it to me to do this one thing for me- snuggle me until it was time to go. That there is HUGE difference between two people loving each other and the timing being off, versus something rejecting you completely and not wanting to touch you and leaving forever all tense and wound up. I told him he was being selfish, and if he didn't do it, he was being a jerk. That if he was going to do this to me, that he needed to put my needs first above his and make me the priority right now, because he was doing this to ME. He didn't move and he just sat there for a long time and I finally just sat down next to him and didn't know what to do. He asked me what I was thinking and I said something like, I can't believe I'm never going to see you again or something. And then he was quiet for a even longer time and then he said that he had to come back into town for court next week and maybe we could get coffee. I said sure. Then he said, well if it isn't totally awkward. And I said... well, it's only going to be awkward if you MAKE it awkward, because I wouldn't make it like that and i wouldn't act like that, regardless of how you hurt me. Then he said again, I really hope it's not awkward. (lol acknowledging it would all be him doing it)

Then he said maybe I could stop on my way to this wedding in August through his new town and say HI. I said sure. Then he said, well there is the phone too, you can always call and stuff. I said sure. And then I said well it would be really hard not to send the flirty or mushy messages to him. He was quiet for a long time (AGAIN) and then almost whispered he could lay down for an hour or so. I told him thank you and we went and laid down.

We were not in there for more than 5 minutes before he was trying to smother me under a pillow, or burp pn me (eewww) or a hundred other ridiculous, silly things that couples do. We were laughing and talking about something and he stopped all of a sudden and said he felt thought he knew how he felt and now he wasn't sure. He felt confused. He said, out there, I was very finite and firm on my feelings, and the second I laid down here next to you I am totally overwlemed by my feelings and... and then he hugged me and said he loved me. He said that alot. And he kept looking at my face and looking me in the eye... He kissed me too. (when we were on the couch and I tried to kiss him he turned away)

He asked me about this gift I got him that I had been teasing him about. I told him I got him a 25 cent present, and he asked me what it was. I said it was silly and stupid, but he made me tell him. I printed him that black and white picture of me I put on facebook so he could have a picture o me if we stayed together. He asked if he could still have it and I said of course, he could pick whatever one he wanted, and then he said could he have more than one and I said he could have as many as he wanted. (I took those pictures just for him, for that purpose and got a bunch of different ones printed.)

Then he told me there was something else he hadn't told me... about an hour or two before he came over, they offered him an overtime shift from midnight to 5am. He has just canceled a 12 hour overtime shift earlier in the day because he promised he wouldn't sign up for overtime and then forgot and did it anyway. He said he had thought he would come over here, tell me what he thought and I would ask him to leave. So he figured it wouldn't matter and he would need to get his mind off things anyway, and so he took it. And he told me he didn't want to leave, but he would have to in awhile. Then he asked if he could visit me the next day. I hesitated (because I had no idea where this was going) but I said ok. So we just cuddled and talked and stuff until he had to go. (Ok, we might have made out a little too, but I am not admitting to ANYTHING!)

The next day (tuesday) he came over and it was a total 180 from him. He was happy, friendly, affectionate, told me he loved me openly and held me, everything. He said he could only stay a little bit and I fed him the tirimisu I had made him the day before, which he had not eaten because of the chaos/drama, and I packed up the reese's brownies I made him, and he took a picture of me. We were talking about something and I said well "IF" we do X again, and he interupeted me and said no, WHEN we do X again. And I looked at him, and I was like, well you didn't say you wanted to, so I figured we still weren't going to stay together (I told Kristin I would bet #1, he wouldn't show up at all Tuesday, #2 that he would come but we would still break up, and that if we stayed together i would be totally SHOCKED). He said there was no way he would have been like that with me the night before if he wasn't going to stay with me. I hugged him and I asked him if he was really going to try and he said he doesn't do things half way. It is all or nothing.

So we are doing it! We are staying together! talk about a dramatic story though, eh?

Then he told me, his parents/family is very hectic and chaotic and stressful-stress-case freaking out type people and to give them a month to get used to it and then I could start sending him things and visiting. But to hold off until then. He said he has 4 court dates this month (July) that he will have to come back here for so he will see me alot. He asked if he could stay with me since he doesn't live here now and I said sure, and he is coming back on Sunday (hopefully) for the first court date on Monday. He said I could come visit up there, but I wouldn't be able to sleep in the couch at his parents or anything like that, they wouldn't approve. (This seems weird to me, because it is not like we would even be in the same room, and even if they are very strict and proper, I don't get not even offering up the couch to someone who drove 3 hours to visit, especially since they like me and approve of me....) So when I go up I will have to stay in a hotel until Matt gets his own place.

I talked to him about the buying a house thing and I said I did not think it would be wise to act like he is staying there permanetly by buying a house if he did not plan on staying there. If he acts like it's permanet, it's going to be permanet. And he agreed and said he would not buy a house, or start looking. I said at least wait 6 months (the shortest amount of time before he could transfer back) and if things look ugly, then he could start looking. but as for now, if he wants this to be temporary, he needs to act like it. He agreed.

So he took all of his goodies- pictures, brownies, cookies, and left for his parents so he could be there in time for dinner, and he texted me after about 20 minutes and said he missed his girlfriend, and I thought that was cute, and he told me he loved me.

So that is where we are at! I am feeling better, and I am "cautiously happy." I want to be happy and enthusiastic and YAY everything is fine, but this was frankly, traumatic for me and it was a breach of trust. I also think he is dumb (as are most men) in that he could not reocgnize the fact that he felt distant from me because WE HADN'T SPENT ANY TIME TOGETHER IN 3 WEEKS!!! And that OF COURSE when we did somehting that was bonding- like snuggling, all of his feelings for me would feel fresh and renewed. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I really had no expectations when we started cuddling, it was just my way of saying goodbye, but that changed everything for him.

I am happy, but you know... a little uneasy. I want to see him be dedicated to this before I can allow myself to believe it. I don't want to have blind faith if I am going to get hurt. But, as of now, he is acting like that wonderful, awesome, loving guy that he was before.

We took pictures before he left too. He hates having his picture taken and thinks he is ugly, but he did not argue at all when I asked, and when I sent them to him he said that he loved them. :)

GROOOOOOAAAAN!

Groan!

So Matt wasn't able to come over on Wednesday to talk. One of his co-workers sons, who is 15, was killed in a car crash on Wednesday morning. So awful. Matt was called into work to cover because a total of three guys, including the dad went home because they were so upset over the whole thing. Matt said his co-workers are like his family, and it hurts everybody to have something like that happen. :(

So. Haven't seen him. Haven't had the actual "talk" with him about anything, I have no idea where we stand. Finally on Wednesday night I couldn't take it anymore and I asked him why he wasn't saying "I love you" anymore and he said that he was just worried about what's going to happen in the next few months. I asked if he still loved me and he said yes... and I was like, Ok, so why aren't you saying it?? :( FINALLY he said it, and he said it again openly later. He's saying it on the phone better too. I am still very nervous. He won't give me any hint at all as to what way he is leaning. I make references about us being together in the future and he says we will talk about it when we see each other... But he is back to flirting a little, and I can hear him smiling on the other end of the phone. I am so confused, and scared. I am basically on the edge of my seat... But overall I am feeling a little better. Kristin yelled at me and that helped some. LOL

I'm supposed to see him on Monday... if that doesn't get canceled too... I see him the 29th, and he leaves on the 30th.. starts on the 2nd. :(

I'm going to miss him so much...

Heartbroken

When I got into this relationship, I instinctively felt that this was never going to happen again, that I wasn't going to be hurt or heartbroken again because this man loved me so much.

I was wrong.

I haven't seen or talked to him since a week ago Saturday in that parking lot when he said moving was a possibility- and then the following Tuesday got word he had decided to go. The question then for the last week has been, are we staying together or not?

I was unsure at first, but then adamatly felt we could work it out. Because this relationship is SO special. But Matt has given me every indication he can't handle a long distance relationship. He has stopped telling me he loves me. He said it on his own over instant messenger on Thursday, but the only other times I have heard it since then is when I say it on the phone- and he mumbles it back, like he is being forced. He says it so uncomfortably that I do feel that he doesn't want to say it, and therefore must not feel it anymore. I don't know how you could fall out of love so fast after what we both felt we have... It has only been a handful of days since he told me he was in love with me, and how happy he was that I knew I wanted to marry him... And now he doesn't show me any affection at all... I don't understand what is happening.

My therapist group leader lady said he is doing this to self-protect, that he may not even be aware of it.

I wrote him a letter on Sunday night, a long one, pointing out all the reasons why we should stay together, and how much I loved him. I've said my peace...

He is having a bunch of co-workers over today to help him move. I asked if I could come help, or feed the guys some brownies, but he never even answered.

Tomorrow we are supposed to spend the day together. He had said he wanted to come over and visit, and he wanted to go to dinner. I have been dreading this day all week because i know we are going to break up. Because if we weren't, why wouldn't he be acting normally? But the thing I don't understand even more, is that he said he planned to see me again before he leaves on the 30th. He said he has the 29th off. If we are breaking up tomorrow, why would we see each other again after that? I love him, I wanted to marry him, I heard the sweetest words in the world from him... I can't see him. I need to get this grief out and work on getting better again. I am so angry with myself for thinking that I wasn't going to get hurt again. More than ever, this makes me not want to get back out there and date again. If this is what it is like when you have really found someone who is so perfect for you... then... why do it?

So here's the BIG NEWS, in sum.

In short, Matt's family asked him to move to Redding to be with family since the stroke. The stroke was very mild, and his dad is doing very well, but I guess it scared everyone pretty good and they want him home.

Matt tossed and turned about it on his own all last week (although I had my suspicions) and he warned me on Saturday that he had been very obsessively thinking about this and it might happen. I was VERY upset and cried alot. Previously we had discussed that neither of us were willing to do long distance, so I assumed that if he went, we would break up. OBVIOUSLY, considering my feelings for him (and vice versa) this was really devastating to me. I handled it pretty well, considering, but I still stayed and cried for a long time.

The shortest transfer Matt can do is 6 months. He had to notify them by Tuesday of this week in order to transfer as of July 1st. (REALLY fast...) And he did. Tuesday he notified his boss and he is going.

I don't know what is going to happen to us. I am not sure if we are staying together, or if we are even together right now. We haven't been together very long to be able to get through all of this stress and strain at once. I am also afraid that he will go there and then end up not coming back here, and selling his house instead of coming home. I am scared if we got serious and got married, had a family, that he would always put his parents ahead of me on his priority list.

We really need to talk about all of these things. Like, SOON. I am basically going nuts.

He was supposed to have Monday-Wednesday off from work, except for court, but he got called in and has been working regular shifts. (6pm-6am, and then court at 8am- to whenever) He WILL get other days of in order to compensate for this. But I don't know when those days will be yet. Later in the week is harder for me to have time for him- I have a class I take Thursday nights, and I have a wedding this Friday. I had also scheduled a family photo session for this weekend, in San Francisco, which is really far and I am really not up to it, but this session has been canceled and rescheduled at least 3 times. (All on the client's end, but I have been equally uncooperative about the whole thing.. I don't even understand why they are doing it. It is part of a wedding package they bought, but they got married a YEAR ago last March- March of 2008! And they don't seem to want to do it anyway! So why are they doing it? Most people don't use my bonus sessions- especially if they don't WANT to do it!!)

Anyway, so it is a bad week for me to suddenly have him available on these days ONLY when we have SO MUCH serious stuff to talk about.

I really did not want to do long distance... but now that I have found this wonderful man, I cannot imagine giving him up or loosing him. But I don't know how he feels. I am scared. :(

What's your advice for a long distance relationship? What would make it successful? What could we do for each other to keep our connection going strong through this period?

We both have complicated schedules and I don't know if his parents would welcome me into their home as they are pretty old-fashioned and it would be very expensive for me to get a hotel in that area as I don't know anyone there except Matt's family...

What do you think? :(

This is not good!

I am so frustrated right now. After the whirlwind of wonderfulness last week, we have experienced nothing short of devastation THIS week!

Matt's Dad had a stroke last week and is in the hospital. He has been there for a week now. He has some loss of motor function, and some memory loss. Matt drove to Redding to visit him on Monday and is staying until Thursday and then going back to work. I saw him for a few minutes while he was on shift on Sunday night, but that was it, so I am missing him like crazy.

I guess when Matt went to see his Dad for the first time, his dad didn't recognize him at first. :( I know that must have been really awful. I am sure the whole family could really use some prayers now.

Matt is very, very stressed, which is very clear by his messages, and I am only hearing from him a tiny bit, but I completely understand. He is so distracted and tense... He told me he is more stressed there, on his days off, than he is when he is working. Considering his job, that is saying alot.

I love him and I am worried about him. I wish there was something I could do. I am trying to just be very, very supportive and not pressure him or complain in any way. (Which is very hard! Emily gets kind of needy after a couple of days!)

Please keep Matt and his dad in your thoughts and prayers!!! :(

Here he is!

It's not a picture of us together, but here is my Matt!

Oh, and do we like the new layout and blog-topper? I finally found something I really, really love! :)

So this is LOVE

I still have no pictures for you. This would be because I am lame and not particularly inclined to beg an unwilling participant to pose or grin.... or do anything other than hide at the sight of the camera. LOL


I will keep working on him. He just needs some buttering up. Suggestions for that?


Last Thursday, May 28th (also my sister Erin's birthday) Matt told me his parents had asked him to move to Redding (2.5-3 hours away from here) to be closer to family, and he felt the obligation to seriously consider their request, and for some reason told me about it! Since he told me about it, I assumed that this was a HUGE deal and his parents had laid alot of pressure on him or something. Because why else would he mention it to me so seriously? Very upsetting! We mutually agreed that we would not do long distance, and as I am tied to the Sacramento area for a minimum of 3 years for school... I couldn't move there any time soon. Unfortunately, this was all over text message because he does not have reception up there because there are like no cell phone towers. Definitely a poor way to communicate about something so important. Anyway, we both got a bit upset, but ultimately I told him it wasn't my choice and I would stand behind whatever he decided.

Obviously, I wanted him to stay, but the fact is, if he doesn't want to stay, then he wouldn't really want to be with me, and therefore I don't want to hold him here or pressure him to stay if he doesn't want to be. I want him to WANT to. Make sense?

Anyway, things had been a little iffy, so I decided that since I didn't know if we were going to break up come Monday when he got back I decided to tell him... I LOVE YOU. :) I told him I wanted to wait, but that, given the situation, if he told me he was going to move I would have been too afraid to say it and I wanted him to know. So I texted it to him. (Sad, I know, but it was the only way we could talk at that moment.) And he said it right back, like I knew he would. We had both been beating around the bush so it was pretty much an unspoken plan we were going to say it when we saw each other next. Anyway, regardless, it made me very happy. And I told him how happy I was, and he told me he was too and that he was in love with me. It was all very sweet and dear. :)

Anyway, Sunday he was supposed to work overtime, but it got canceled, and so he came over at 7pm and we hung out and watched tv and spent time together and said our I LOVE YOU's in person. He was just looking at me real intently and then he said it quietly and I said it right back and then I was shy so we hugged for a long time. It was very sweet. Nobody has ever told me they loved me before so it was really special. :)



After all that he told me he decided to stay here to be with me and he'd tell him parents soon. He said he just couldn't imagine leaving me. :)

DATE NIGHT

Bad news... Matt's overtime today was supposed to be canceled. Well, apparently there are protests going on in San Francisco against cops, something having to do with some guy that was shot by a cop on BART. (Bay Area public Transit something or other) So he got called in and has to go police the protest- which is against police officers! Not such a great place to be in my opinion.

So no date. :( He talked to his boss, and the guys said "tough potatos kid." Except he didn't say potatos... lol

And already (invented AND) made a bath of key lime cupcakes for him. :(

Big News! (I have a boyfriend!)

I know I have been so naughty lately! Not a post in two months! That's bad.

The honest truth has been, I haven't had much going on the last couple of months to talk about. Now there were some great things, I came out to visit Kristin in Utah, and I went through the Draper Temple, which was so beautiful and I totally loved the experience, I had a birthday, and Kristin came to visit me. So maybe I am wrong, maybe I have been busy!! lol

The biggest reason I am blogging today is because I have big, big NEWS! If you have been checking out my facebook, then you would see that I have a boyfriend now! Yay! We have been "going steady" for 2 weeks tomorrow. LOL It is such a ridiculously short amount of time, but ya, know. Whatever! We started dating 3-4 weeks ago.

Matt is a CHP officer in the Bay Area. He is 29, has been single for 4 years and is ready to settle down. He owns his own home, he has a couple of puppies, his career is settled and great and he loves it. He is just missing the family he wanted! So enter Emily!!! The perfect woman!! (That's what he calls me! :) )

For our first date we just met for coffee at Starbucks. (10% coffee, 45% sugar and 45% heavy cream lol) We talked for two hours and it was great. The only thing that killed me was he was wearing REALLY dark pants ( I thought they were black but he has since told me they were just jeans, but...) and BRIGHT, BLINDING white sneakers! Yuck! I felt like I needed to put some sunglasses on to shield me from the shine off his shoes!! lol But clothing can be changed and I have learned that first impressions are RARELY accurate (physically I mean) and never matter in the end so I just put it out of my head and ignored it and just had a good time.

Then, the torture part! I heard from him and talked to him right away but it took him like 6 days to ask me out again and then he had to cancel! I was DYING! lol I was thinking it wasn't going to go anywhere at all, and I actually made a date with an IT guy to meet for coffee. I was trying not to get attached.

The night I was supposed to go out with the IT guy, I was carrying my computer from my room to the living room to do some work, and the moniter fell off of it on one side! I was really freaking out and very upset. The IT guy canceled our date at that moment over text message (for another reason- he was tired and cranky) and then I was mad about that- especially since he wasn't very sympathetic to the drama that was going on at my house. So who could I talk to? MATT! So I sent him a text message about my computer and he was SO nice and sympathetic and attentive. He was really, really great and made me feel much better. So we started talking again! I don't remember if he was calling me at this point or not. But he was definetly texting me.

After texting all night I encouraged him enough and he got brave and asked me to come have lunch with him while he was working. (He was nervous to ask me out again because he liked me so much. How about that for a crazy reason to not ask for a date! But he was just afraid of messing it up, because he really liked me.)

I was WAY more nervous going to lunch than I had been when we met for coffee, and was really intimidated because he was in his uniform. (Uniforms are scary! But cute... but SCARY!) But we had a good conversation and a nice time and we gave each other a hug for the first time when he said goodbye. (He got a call and had to go.) After that he told me he wanted to take me out on an official, "real" date and go to dinner. So he asked me out for Friday. (We went to lunch Wednesday)

The next day he texted me alot and then asked if he got off early if he could come visit me! So he did! He came over after work and we hung out! He is allergic to cats, but he had thought ahead and took an allergy pill so he felt ok while he was here. We talked and hung out for a long time and then we went and got a pizza. Since I have been dieting for so long I haven't had a pizza in AGES!!! And it turns out, we both love the exact same kind of pizza- Pizza Hut, with a pan crust. Ooooh it was so good! Deep fried bread- YEAH! So we had dinner, and the whole time he had been here he was on one couch and I was on the other. So after dinner I asked him to come sit by me, and it just sort of happened naturally we were sort of snuggling up and I was holding the cat (lol) and we just looked at each other and kissed! Whewhoo! I remember I said, "I did not think you would be kissing me for the first time when I had a baby in my arms!" (I was holding my kitty Amelia. LOL)

So anyway, the next day he had off from work I think, and we basically hung out the whole day. I don't even remember what we did. I think maybe we went to Ernesto's for dinner. (Where Kristin and I went!) It is a really great mexican place, and it has live marriachi. The funny thing is we basically couldn't talk through the whole dinner because the music was SO LOUD. THey came and played right by our table and basically we could only communicate by rolling our eyes at each other about the marriachi band! lol

We had a good dinner, and we talked about alot of things in the car to and from the restaurant. He told me about loosing a colleague at work, and I told him about the problems I have had with depression and being home alot, etc. He was really empathetic, and didn't mind, and didn't think it was a big deal. He even said he was really happy that I felt comfortable enough to tell him. I thought that was great. I was really nervous about it, but I just started telling him randomly in the car, and there you go!

Anyway, we got home and we were going to watch a movie and what do you know we started talking and I said "Do you want to be my boyfriend?" And he said Yeah! LOL So that is how I got a boyfriend.

I am really, really, happy. He is really sweet, and loving and I know he has BOTH of our best interests at heart. He told me he only believes in dating for marriage and not for just for the sake of dating. He has told me over the last couple of weeks that he has really high hopes for us- that we will get married and have babies "down the road". That is his favorite phrase in realtion to this subject! He is very enthusiastic about the idea that I am the right person for him, but when he says "down the road" all the time I keep thinking he is not going to marry me until I am 40 or something. Which I know makes no sense but I just keep thinking that! He is 29 and he has said before though that he wants to be DONE having kids before he is 40. And he has already agreed to having 5 kids with me. LOL So 5 kids, 2 years between them, that's 10 years! So he has 1 year to marry me I guess! lol

In all honesty there is no timeline or anything, it will happen when it happens, IF it happens. BUT, I do really feel (knock on wood) that this is the right person for me. If I made a list of all of the qualities I want in a husband, a partner, someone to spend my life with, he has every single trait I could wish for. He is so considerate, and attentive and he really listens to what I say. Last week he came to my house and made me dinner. He brought me flowers- they were beautiful!- becauseI had said I had only ever gotten flowers once before in my life. He made me dinner, and I made a 4 layer raspberry cream torte chocolate cake with ganache frosting, which I basically invented as I went along. The dinner was really good and he made me a HUGE bowl of guac! (Because that's my favorite food!) I was telling him not to let me see the raw chicken because I really hate raw meat and I never cook meat. I was telling him how I was always asking my brother in law to grill me some chicken breasts someday. He asked me a couple questions about how I liked my chicken, and he said, I can do that for you! And guess what! The next time I saw him, there he was with a bag of grilled chicken, just for me! :)

I am really happy. He makes me very happy. I feel like the luckiest girl to have found someone so nice and kind and loving. He has already told everybody he knows (literally!) about me, including his parents, and has been showing off my picture because he thinks I am beautiful. It has been really great. I hope we get to spend alot of time together and get to know each other really well. I hope that this is it for me. I really cannot imagine someone more perfect, but you never know, so let's just hope! Hope, hope, HOPE! I know he would take good care of not just me, but my heart too. :)

I just got word from Matt that his overtime for Sunday was canceled, so I can see him then! So hopefully I will get some cute pictures of us then! :)

COMING UP WITH A PLAN

So I have really been struggling lately with what I want to do, my goals, my motivtion and my energy levels.

I am just tired all the time, I hve no energy to do anything. So I am taking care of it with the doctor/therapist and everything, and I am better than I was 6 months ago, but it is still really rough for me. Nothing excites me or motivates me anymore. I can't even keep my house anything less than a disaster area. In the past I don't think I have ever let it get this crazy and it really bothers me now, but I just haven't been able to deal with it.

I did have one little thing that happened this week that I was really excited about.

I am considering preparing to buy a house.

(Pause for reaction)...


Yes, although I am a photographer, I do consider myself to be essentially unemployed. But I also have savings, half of which I put away myself and the other half of which was savings bonds from my Grandparents given to me as a baby, specifically for a house.

I had always had this little fantasy and always thought I would buy my first house with my husband. But you know, when I looked into it, the monthly payments on a condo would actually be LESS than my rent now, and it's going towards OWNING something. Not to mention the fact that house prices have crashed and are continuing to crash, meaning it's the perfect time for someone like me to buy.

The very first listing I looked at was a 1100 square foot condo, 2 bedroom 2.5 bath for $70,000 and monthly payments of $331.00 a month. I about choked on that one. It was much older, and in a crummy surrounding neighborhood (although a desirable location, very close to downtown and shopping and running trails and the river) so I was definetly NOT interested, but WOW. Isn't that neat? It's what spurred the "this would be such a neat idea" thing and I really started looking.

I live on the edge of a new area called Natomas, which is just north of downtown. It's all brand new, very trendy, and has 4 In-N-Outs within like 5 miles. My kind of place. LOL

So I looked at some condos (just online) and saw a couple I REALLY liked. They were between $99,000 and $149,000, all were 2 bedrooms, mostly at least 2 baths, mostly 2 car garages.

It is really exciting. It is the first thing that has excited me at all in almost year. (Besides Maurice's, 5 pound bags of chopped Reese's and homemade yeast donuts)

I talked to my dad about it and he was actually really supportive. He told me to get a job, quick as I can, clear off my credit card, and sock away the rest of what I need for a downpayment. (Or to "steroid up" my photography business- I guess I could do a little of both.)

So maybe in the next 6 months to a year I will be buying a house!!

Here are some pretty pictures to admire.



This first one (above) is $139,000, 2 bedroom, 2.5 bath, built in 2006, is 1,197 square feet and a 2 car garage. It is also DETATCHED! It's like real house, even though it's a condo!!!
These next two pictures go together, the first is the interior, and the next is the exterior. This one is $149,900 2 bedroom, 2 bath, 1,519 square feet, built in 2004 nd has two garage spaces.



This is the last one, and this is the one I really fell in love with first. I actually went and did a drive by, I couldn't find the unit but I drove through the development and really loved it. I was both in REAL walking distance from my gym (seriously!), walking distance from my friend's house, Arco Arena (seriously!) and Starbucks. SCORE!!!
It is $149,000, 2 bedroom, 2 bath built in 2006, has 1,067 square feet, two garage spaces and A HOT TUB/JACCUZZI, built it! AHHHHH! That means it has a small backyard too, although it isn't mentioned! How awesome is that?! I really would like to go look at this one.

So, what do you think?

SHOPPING! SHOPPING! SHOPPING!

What have I been up to the last month? SHOPPING! I have become obsessed with shopping for the best deals and poor (LOL I'm kidding) Kristin has become my victim.

Since I don't have a boyfriend, or human children of my own ( my cats have more toys than they can play with anyway at this point) but I love to buy presents, and spend money I don't have, or sort of have... I have been obsessively discount shopping.

Now I won't tell you how much I spent, but I will tell you how much I saved!

I bought clothes at Mervyn's right when they were closing their store and everything was just a couple of bucks apiece! I bought clothes for all of the kids, some sheets for myself and a USC blanket for my Dad for Christmas, and my recipet said I SAVED almost $300.00!!! It was crazy! And I spent like nothing!

My friend Natalie was telling me about how to get nice clothes, like from Janie and Jack new with tags on eBay, so I bid on some things and got them for 65% off!

Then I was on Old Navy's website, and THEY were having a clearance too! Everything was 75% off, and THEN they discounted it 50% off that... so you were only paying 12.5% the original price!!! I saved around.. I would guess... $500? at least. I have been trying to figure out the math over here and I can't do it. LOL

THEN Kristin suggested I start looking at the Children's Place, so I went on their website and they were having a clearance sale too! First everything was 30% off, and THEN, I got a coupon on a website for an additional 15% off, so everything I got was 45% off! YAY!!!

I think I did really good. I tried hard to get good deals and it was so much fun to do all of the shopping and I hoped it was fun for the Peterson's to get some good stuff in the mail. I know I love getting surprises, and it was just as fun to send them off as it is to receive them.

Another place I shopped at was WalMart. They were clearancing all of their Christmas stuff, and they had all of these stickings full of cat toys for $2 each- and it was for like 10-12 toys! What a good deal! So I bought 4 stockings full of toys and then I went to the baby department and got 4 fleece blankets on sale for $3 each! So I took all of these things, wrapped them up and sent them to the Animal Lovers Assistance League in North Carolina where I adopted my cat Amelia from. I found my cat on Petfinder.com and the shelter said they would send her on the plane for me! So they got all of her health certificates and everything and a volunteer took her to the airport, checked her in and called me to let me know she was on her way! They went to alot of trouble to get her to me, and I always wanted to give back so i was glad to write this letter thanking them and saying how much I love my kitty cat and so I donated the toys and blankets to the shelter to the other kitties still "looking for mommies and daddies" lol. I thought it was cute. And it was fun. I put a snoopy sticker on the address label too.

So that is what I have been up to on the shopping front. I think I am all done with shopping. I keep looking at stuff, but I think I hit all of the great sales there were, and I think I got a little something for just about everyone I know. LOL

So now my goals are to 1.) stop shopping, 2.) start going to the gym again and lose those last 24 pounds until I hit my goal (I gained 12 over Christmas, so now I have twice as far to go!!!) 3.) stay strong in continuing to look for a job. 4.) start studying for the baby bar again, which I have decided I am going to take. (by they way I did not pass in october, I found out around christmas)

I think that is about it. So wish me some encouragement and dedication and hard working vibes and stuff!