Graduate School Update

Source: http://pinterest.com/pin/213217363580571720/

I've become even more confused about graduate school than I was.

SMU
 I was notified by Southern Methodist that they would like to interview me in like a week in their Plano, Texas office in person and please consider that in your travel time... There was no option for a long distance interview. I'm like 5 states away. And that is no notice. This really irked me. I responded very politely that I would love to be interviewed, and how could we arrange a phone or Skype interview since I don't live anywhere close? They agreed to a phone interview, which would last an hour, but there was no real indication as to what the context of the interview would be, despite the fact I asked three separate times in three separate emails. I finally said, it was difficult to prepare for an hour interview with no idea of the context, but I'd try my best and the secretary said, well it would probably only be 30 minutes... Well, why say it would be an hour then?

I was so nervous I couldn't sleep all night, and just read more about their program and the woman interviewing me. I finally fell asleep around 7am, and my alarm got me up at 8:30am. Interview was to start at 9:30am. I sat by the phone for TWO HOURS. Nobody called. After 30 minutes I sent a message to the secretary and said I was really looking forward to speaking with the director and just in case my number was misplaced- here it is again. I got an auto-response that this lady was out until Monday so she was no help and I had been given no contact info for the director, not even an email address.

At the one hour mark I was supposed to start a webinar with University of Denver so this was a problem. Then a friend called for help with another issue. I called the SMU department office- no one answered an there was only one number on their website. I left a message saying I was supposed to have an interview and the director was a no-show, just making sure they had the right number and I was waiting by the phone. (In a nice way.) I emailed the secretary again and asked if we needed to re-schedule, and finally after two hours, tracked down the director's email through the campus directory and expressed my concern and whether she was "okay"- had something horrible happened- and that I had waited for almost 2 hours for her to call and I hoped everything was okay. That I would be ready to re-schedule at her convenience whenever she was ready.

She responded with a SINGLE LINE OF TEXT saying, "I completely missed this was a phone interview. This was my error. Would Monday or Tuesday work for you instead?"

I waited TWO HOURS for this lady. I sat up all night I was so anxious about this call. How do you miss the fact a student doesn't live in the same state? Hello? This same school also lost all of my transcripts and wanted me to re-send them (which would have cost $100+). They also complained that I didn't use the proper form to send them- which is not anywhere on their website, or on the application, nor is there any reference to this form in either location. The only way to know you need this form is to get ahold of someone in the office (I've still never spoken to anyone on the phone, despite leaving 6+ messages over the last 4 months) and ask, and/or have them lose your transcripts and have them complain about you not using this mysterious form. I'm curious as to how I am supposed to use the form since the transcripts are coming directly from the schools, and not from me.

So far, super impressed.

Sarcasm aside, I actually am impressed with the actual PROGRAM if not their organizational and communication skills. It's the only program with an emphasis on counseling, which is great. That appeals to me, and while I don't want to be a counselor, to tap into the same tools as a mediator would be very helpful, IMO.

UMASS, BOSTON
I got notice on Friday that I have been accepted to the University of Massachusetts, Boston. I am in shock. I never thought I would get in. It's a GREAT school. I am hugely flattered. And totally confused.

Great opportunity, great school, amazing thing right there. I think I had the realization when I got the notice that I really want to go to a public school. I value it more or something. I don't know why. But the cost of living in Boston is astronomical. However, the tuition is lower than even Oregon.

What spooked me in my acceptance letter however would be the 5 news items about the department all relating to international conflict. This is what the school specializes in. It's an east-coast school. They think globally. This isn't my interest.

DU
Attended a webinar with the director/dean of the department. Only one other person attended and she had not yet applied to the program. The director just rubs me the wrong way. I felt that way on the phone, and I felt like that when I saw her on camera. She feels- both abrasive and fake. She's like a fake smiler. It doesn't feel genuine, she doesn't feel relaxed or natural and my back goes up when I hear from her as a consequence. I am honored to be accepted in the program, I was one of only 21 students accepted. This is a prestigious thing. However, I am apprehensive. I love the area, I think it's beautiful and I've been dreaming of Colorado for a long time, but something about this department makes me nervous. I think DU is where I am going to accept but I can't shake this feeling of uneasiness. I am afraid they won't really care about me.

MARQUETTE
I can't reach anyone in the department. No one calls me back, I have no idea when the deadline is. It is probably long past and I have no idea.  However, I saw some of their commercials on Youtube, and I died- I loved them! They touched me in a way I can't describe. The university's motto of "Be the Difference" is really what I believe as a person and pretty much what I wrote about in my essay and I didn't even realize. I also loved that they were working hard to fight back against sexual assaults on campus, which is a huge issue. Milwaukee has some nasty rape statistics that frankly made me uncomfortable. This alleviated some of that anxiety because the school is fighting back. However, snow 8 months of the year and a beer guzzling culture also makes me uncomfortable. It's very far away, and I'm just not sure.

My bottom line, I realized as I laid in bed last night was, I really, truly need to visit these campuses in order to make an educated decision, and I just don't have the time before the deadlines. I don't know what to do. If I don't get into Oregon, I am totally lost. I don't want to regret my decision and I am afraid not visiting campuses is going to be a huge regret.

At least I have choices.

I'm starting to hear back from graduate schools and the results haven't exactly been what I was hoping for. Don't get me wrong. It's great. I GOT IN. That is Freaking Awesome. Capital F, Capital A. And I got into more than one school. I have choices. That's even more amazing.

But I made a huge mistake. I got my heart set on one school and I got waitlisted.  Never get your heart set on a particular school. Big mistake.

That happened once when I applied to law school too, and I waited until the week before school started and I never heard a peep from them again. Nothing. Nadda.

University of Oregon waitlisted me, and I keep asking myself "Why?" What did I do wrong? I should have re-taken the GRE. They told me my score was fine. I shouldn't have gone by what the office said. I had way too much to overcome in my application and they probably hadn't reviewed it yet. They probably didn't realized how many deficiencies I had. Or maybe I blew the interview. Maybe there were trick questions. Maybe I didn't have the right answers. Maybe it was because I missed the phone call the first time around and had to call him back. What did I do wrong? I got into fancier schools, why not U of O? They even told me they are going to have a bigger class this year. Why not me?

I got the letter and I cried and cried and cried. I really wanted to go. If I had gotten an acceptance letter I would have dove out the front door with my bags packed and fled for the border right then!

Part of me thinks, well, if you do get in later, you'll really appreciate it.

And part of me thinks, maybe there's a reason you didn't get in. But I feel like I'm trying to convince myself. I really feel like it was the best fit for me and I don't know what to do now. I want to succeed at my new school and I am terrified I won't somewhere else. I don't want to fail. I'm totally freaked out. And literally have no idea where I should go. NO IDEA. There are bad things (and good things) about all of the remaining schools and I haven't heard from all of them yet. I am very nervous and anxious and worried.

U of O said I could send it one more recommendation letter to help my cause. I've already sent in FOUR. (Again, what have I done wrong?) What I know is lacking in my file is academic recommendations because I am a non-traditional student. I've been out of school a long time and been working in other fields. This is supposed to make me desirable though, not undesirable. But it also makes things like recommendation letters hard to come by. Only one out of those 4 letters was truly an academic reference.

I am still friends with a professor from my freshman year of collage-12 years ago. But she wrote one of my law school reference letters and I hesitate to ask her for another again. What do you think? It's only one letter, but she already did so much, and I did not succeed in law school. I failed, I didn't live up to the expectations she said I would in the first letter she wrote for me. I was a failure. It feels shameful to ask her again. It's been six years since she wrote me that letter but I still feel very embarrassed and not really right about it. Also, it would be short notice.

Here are the results of my applications so far, and the tuition rates for the schools I applied to, which has been a major source of anxiety for me. My FAFSA came back with a loan for only $20,500. Money is going to be a HUGE issue. I am not making it now. Moving somewhere expensive, going to an expensive school.... all huge problems. Schools are ranked in order of cost. The lower number is in-state tuition, which most of those numbers are wrong and the higher/second number is out of state tuition, which is mostly correct.

What do you think?

It was supposed to be a joke...

I finally got my sister and my mother's birthday (and my mom's Mother's Day) gifts out in the mail earlier this week, and I heard from both of them today that they received them. I sent them both cheese from our favorite cheese factory where I grew up in the bay area. My mom also got a special button up jacket with ruffles on it that she had admired me wearing a year ago, and I had been scouring Nordstrom Rack for ever since to find her her own. (That was for Mother's Day).

My mom called me as soon as she opened it and because she loved it so much. She said it was probably her most favorite piece of clothing she had ever received as a gift (I almost believe her- she wanted my jacket, and then described exactly what she liked about mine, and I took that as a mental list when I went to find her her own, in a color she'd like better). It is light gray, jersey knit, empire waisted with two buttons at the top and tiny little ruffles around the seams, made by Tulle, which is one of my favorite brands for coats. Nordstrom Rack is the best place to buy those!

Anyway, I was apologizing for once again being late (she got her Christmas gift in April, and her birthday was June 4th, my sister's May 28th), and wondering why I was so bad at this, and she said never mind, she "knew me" by now that I was the disorganized child. Then we reminisced about some things that had happened to me in the past- me texting my parents from Eurpe saying I'd cut my foot open and my dad calmly giving advice and my mom flipping out, and me getting lost for hours in the Paris suburbs, and my car always being a mess, and my room always a mess, and always losing homework, and, and and... On and on, my mom said if her life was always that chaotic that she just couldn't handle it! I said, well, neither can I, I'm medicated! And we laughed! (Because obviously, I am medicated because of Matt and the PTSD, but it was funny).

But that led the conversation around to something else...

Read this:

• fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes
• has difficulty keeping up attention on tasks
• does not seem to listen when spoken to directly
• doesn’t follow through or fails to finish tasks
• has difficulty organizing tasks
• doesn’t do well with tasks that require sustained mental effort
• loses things
• is easily distracted
• is forgetful

The six symptoms must…

• be present often
• have been present for at least six months
• cause significant problems in functioning

This is the diagnostic criteria for adult ADD. You have to have 6 of the above 9 listed symptoms. I don't remember exactly how it came up, but... My mom was reading it out of her book to me (She's an MFT), and we both paused as she read the examples off about the patient being prone to losing their keys and stuff and I said, "That's me."

I just don't even know what to think. I know when I was about 3rd grade my teacher thought something was wrong with me and sent me off for testing, and then my mom sent me to a psychologist. My mom wondered if I was ADD, but no one diagnosed me with anything and I went on my merry way. I only ever excelled in subjects I liked and that was true through college. I had to work really hard at those subjects to just pass, and not at all at subjects I liked. I procrastinate at everything, and keep track of everything in my head, with mixed success. I forget to do things, and client deadlines sometimes slip away from me unless I finish them really early- or if I mostly finish them early then I'll forget there's anything left to do. Then this:

"People suffering from ADD often feel unfairly nagged by those around them and sometimes become defensive, even defiant, when confronted with their performance problems."

ALWAYS!

You bring up something ONCE that I know I need to do and I feel exasperated. You bring it up twice and I want to scream. Or is that just me, nagging myself? Maybe that's normal?


Affected individuals have serious problems in one or more of the following areas:

* screening out distractions and keeping focused while talking, working, or playing
* starting and completing tasks
* remembering tasks, events, and plans
* organizing information and belongings
* being on time
* keeping priorities in order
* focusing on important tasks rather than low priority but interesting ones
* fulfilling their obligations on time

And yet the thought of being ADD... as I stood in the shower tonight, I felt like my IQ lowered about 10 points. (All the kids in elementary school who had ADD couldn't spell, got bad grades and misbehaved constantly. It has a negative connotation for me. [No offense to anyone who is, or has a child who is, I'm just repeating my rush of upset thoughts here. I don't really think you or your child are less intelligent if they have ADD- that's stupid.] And adults who say they have it, I don't know if they are using it as an expression of speech, or if they are talking clinically diagnosed.)

Then I wanted to cry. How come my three siblings have perfect eyesight, pretty successful lives (ok, one sibling took a serious detour on the substance abuse train, but anyway), are not depressed, do not see therapists, are in successful relationships (at least *they* think they are), don't have anxiety disorders, and certainly don't have ADD??? What is wrong with me? Why am I the broken one?

Am I becoming a hypochondriac now? Because I'm starting to feel like one! Except... the symptoms fit!

Please don't tell anyone... I'm embarrassed... I don't want to be ADD! I liked it better when I was just a slob and hoarder and a procrastinator and disorganized!

(smack head on desk)

Maybe this is why I always liked the idea of having a boss instead of working for myself... At home, I have to set limits, guidelines and boundaries and it makes all of these things WORSE. If I'm in a controlled environment where I get watched, I do better.... Maybe. But the whole time I was talking to my mom I kept thinking about when I worked for that tax firm and had to re-do these 1099 forms about at least half a dozen times because I kept rushing through it and not paying attention and there were literally DOZENS of stupid little mistakes... had the same issue with math class... Whole problem would be wrong from carelessness... I can still remember the teacher or my dad using that exact word...

Seriously?

I'm also a tad sensitive at the moment. I ran out of my anxiety medication, re-started it, and restarted it at too high of a dose and basically gave myself a HUGE depression relapse for two days, including constant panic attacks. It was really bad.  Please read your pill bottles... Good lord.... :(

Asking why

Why did he do it?

Just... Why?

I haunts me all day, every day. I even wrote him an email (and deleted it) asking him WHY.

Why did you do it Matt? Why?

Bewildered today

I am just... bewildered today.

How did this ever happen?

He did what? With who? What? WHAT?

What are you TALKING about?

No, no, no... That couldn't have happened. No...

I don't believe it today. I miss him. I need a hug! I want to just pick up the phone and give him a call. I feel so casual.. Like nothing happened. Oh, what? That happened? He did all that? Huh? I don't know what you're talking about. Because the guy I was with, he was AWESOME. He loved he so much... I can't even tell you how wonderful he was. How he loved me, treated me, looked at me. We are spending the rest of our lives together.  All this other crap is hoo-ha.

Can we say denial?

Did I mention that they are having a baby together? Oh yeah. They stayed togeher. She had made that choice within less than 12 hours after I went to the house and told her her husband had been cheating on her for half their marriage. And not just that. Not just that he had been with me for the last 18 months, but that he had been living a double life too. With a fictional life story, a fictional relationship with his parents, fake friends names, a pretend friend who was killed in the line of duty, a pretend memorial tattoo for said friend, a pretend job as a special agent for the federal government he had just given up and a bedridden father, debilitated by a stroke. 12 hours... "I got married for forever, not just a little while. .. I can only hope he will get the help he needs..." My therapist cocked her head to the side and said something like, "What about her? Doesn't she need help? Her world just crashed down. And what about them as a couple? They should each be in individual counseling and in couples counseling too. Not just him.. this isn't just about him and this doesn't just affect him, and him going to therapy alone won't fix this situation.  Nothing will. "  Three months after I went to their house, and told his wife everything he had done to US... she was pregnant. It practically made me retch. Three months after I found out... I still wasn't eating or sleeping. Letting that man touch me? Sleeping with him at all, let alone without protection is... WHAT???

 A very smart friend of mine said something like, she couldn't believe they were just going on, pretending like he hadn't been in a serious relationship with someone else. That was key for me. He's married... and he was in a serious relationship with someone else. Me. ME. She also said the whole thing was creepy and that yeah, having a baby the first time around worked out so well, what with him assuming a second identity and trying to basically become a polygamist by trying to marry me- maybe he never would have, maybe he would have stalled forever, but who knows. Yeah, having a baby the first time worked out great what with him running off and starting an affair 10 days after the baby was born. Go ahead, have another one. Sounds like  a GREAT PLAN! Three months. They waited three months. Or I should say she. You know this wasn't his idea. Or if it was, it was used as a manipulative distration. HERE. Get pregnant, focus on something else and get off my back. Then you'll be happy, and leave me alone. Just like last time...

Seriously, this is my life now? How did I get dragged into these people's jacked up marital problems?

Small Victory (and some concerns)

 I spent most of Sunday in bed, crying and asking God to bring Matt home. It was not a high moment in my life.

Let's not talk about it.

It just reminds me that I am still grieving.

Saturday was just a draining, exhausting day overall. I shot an all-day wedding in near 100 degree heat- all outside, hours without water, and driving home extremely ill with a migraine- I was probably very vulnerable to an emotional breakdown just because I was so run down from the day before. It's no wonder I had a bad day.

So, I want to tell you about the small victory I had today, but I know now that there is someone reading my blog I specifically did not invite, and am not really friends with anymore, and I'm not comfortable talking about it because that person is a big gossip and likes to throw information around to make themselves sound important and to put other people down.

Fantastic. So now I'm in a position of censuring myself. I'm not sure what I should do. If I should change my blog address or make it private or what.  Right now I feel like I should go back and change names and details because this person is such a busy body. People who have left comments... I'm fine with all of you guys. People who are following, I love you guys, please stay. But I'm not sure how to fix this. It's not like MySpace where you can block certain users from reading.

I feel very frustrated.

Dreams

Since the interview, I've been having some seriously weird dreams. First, it started off with this really intense dream about me being in labor with my baby. (A baby I am definetly not pregnant with at current time.) It was this really long, intense dream... I can't say much more about it than that. I remember I was wearing blue, and my hair was up. I think I was having a girl, and I was holding a pillow. I don't remember pain or anything, I just remember this feeling of calmness. We had things we were doing to get ready, and somebody was helping me with that and I was holding the pillow and standing around the house waiting- in labor. It was very strange.  My only real guess about this is that I have  alot of friends who are pregnant right now, and I have alot of interest in natural labor, but I've never dreamed about something like that before. Weird. A couple friends on facebook said I should write it down. It might be one of those pre-deja-vous things... Of course considering how I feel about having babies because of this whole experience with Matt, I don't know if that will ever happen.

Last night I had another odd dream... about reconciling with Matt. THAT is definitely not something I ever considered consciously. In my dream... we were all there talking.. the wife, him, some friend of theirs, in some beach house.. but it was a beach house with grass, like one you'd see on the east coast. And for some reason I was sneaking around it, and they come back to the house, and it's fine that I'm there, like the wife plops on the couch like she knew I'd be there, tired and we all talk. I sit next to Matt and he's holding my hands and trying to kiss me and I tell him no because I don't want to hurt her. She finally walks away and then the police come, who, interestingly enough is some random guy I went to high school with- Matt Fry- who I don't even know if he works in law enforcement. He comes and leads us outside, unbeknownst to Sydney and we all walk quickly around the outsode of the building and he advises Matt on how to leave her, and they talk about the abuse he has gone through, from one cop to another.  Then he runs to the back door of the house to get all of his stuff as quickly as possible before she makes a scence and it gets out of hand.

...I guess my subconscious found some loophole? He's being abused and that made him do it?? I don't know, I woke up confused. In all these months, I have never considered this ever, I have never wanted that, ever. The guy in that body in that house is NOT the person I was with. He just isn't. That person is gone and he has been since August 3rd, he died. He can't ever come back. One of the things I've struggled with in therapy is the statement "He's not coming home." I'll tell her I just want him to come home, and she'll answer with that and I just lose it. It's a really powerful statement to me and REALLY upsetting. I can barely stand to hear it. I don't know, I guess, last night, in my dream, my subconcious found a way to bring him home in a way that would be okay. (I don't even know if that would be okay, but it was okay with me in the dream.)

I don't know what to say. That's just what I dreamed.

GRE

I still feel like I don't have a clear answer on what I should do about the GRE. I had therapy yesterday and today (Tuesday and Wednesday- I always blog in the middle of the night so this might be confusing for you when I say "today" and it's 2am; I mean Wednesday still even though it's after midnight now.)

Anyway, I had therapy yesterday and today and I never managed to bring up any of the GRE stuff that has been on my mind because we were so busy talking about other stuff and I left the appointment with still a thousand other thoughts in my head and I had to call my mother on the way home (who is an MFT) and make her let me talk and finish my thoughts I was wanting to have with my therapist since I wouldn't be able to until Monday and it was important.

So I don't see the therapist until Monday and the GRE class starts Tuesday and I am afraid every day I wait that the class could fill up. I keep worrying but I still don't know what to do. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO! I can't think straight; I don't know what I want, I don't know if I'm ready, I don't know how to tell, or how to figure this out for myself. I NEED HELP. But I am on this huge time crunch and WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

I have to leave in 2 days for another out of town wedding in Yosemite National Park this time.

How can I figure this out? What do you do to figure things out? I don't know how to do this anymore. I know it is so basic to make a decision, but I don't know how to anymore. :(

Double Dose

As honest as I am on this blog, if you can believe it, I don't share everything. In fact, there's a lot I don't share.  Which is hard because I'd really rather put all of my thoughts in one place and just get it ALL out, but because of who some of my audience is, I feel like I have to censor myself. (So, yeah, it's even worse than this!)

I was in therapy last week and ended up running thirty minutes over our hour long session. That's right, I talked for a straight hour and a half. Pretty much all I talk about in therapy is what happened. Once in a while I will bring up some other issue that has come up, but mostly, all I talk about is Matt and all of this issues related to him. I've been in therapy ever since I found out, and have been seeing this therapist weekly since October or so. And still even now, I have so much to process and talk about, I'm running over on our sessions.

This week, we changed our schedule and we're starting to have me come in twice a week. I came in on Tuesday, and I'll come in again Wednesday, and then I have appointments next week for Monday and Wednesday. This is going to get to be expensive for me. But what else do I do? I have felt like since I started therapy that I needed to be seeing someone more than once a week but I felt like I couldn't afford it. That situation doesn't seem like it's ever going to change unless I get better and I can't get better without more help. (On a side note, feel free to click on my google ads- the boring texy looking ads- not the fancy graphic ones- on the right hand side- I get like a $1 every time you click on them!! I am very close to getting a check! [You only get a check when you get up to a certain dollar amount.])  It's a good thing my therapist is very, very cheap. That is a HUGE blessing.

For our GRE update for the day, I read almost all of the introduction to the Princeton Review GRE book, and browsed through some pages on fractions, and couldn't understand any of it. Can any one let me borrow their 3rd grader so they can teach me fractions?! I haven't done fractions since 3rd grade and I never got them back then anyway!

My flashcards also came in the mail today. Super fast shipping!

A friend of mine from law school who just graduated, and passed the bar on the first time (just got the results a couple weeks ago), is also apparently certifiably insane and for some reason is going to take the GRE in July and asked to get together and study. (Why, she is taking the GRE now that she is an attorney and just got out of law school I have no idea!) She is really smart, and really hard working- like, her brain runs 10x faster than anyone else's so she's really hard to study with. (I used to study with her in law school). I think she must drink too many energy drinks, or she's on Ritalin or something! LOL She's TOO focused to be normal.

So... I have books, and flash cards and someone to study with.

But I still don't know that I am ready to jump! I am still hesitating. I need a shove off the diving board, or I need someone to grab me off the platform, give me a towel and tell me to go sit down until I'm ready.

I just don't feel confidant in making decisions for myself anymore. I don't trust myself. I don't trust my abilities anymore. I don't trust my judgement. I don't know what to do.

Please guide me.

The last few years I have been so lost. Intermittently I have found my way, or thought I have begun to walk the right trail back to the road I'm supposed to be on, only to find myself lost in the woods again for one reason or another.

My biggest "hiking disaster" of course was while I was with Matt. We made lots of plans both together as a couple, and I made lots of plans based on the future I planned to have with him. I put things on hold, searched for employment around him, looked into schools around him...

Maybe the "higher purpose" was so I could have a longer break before going back to school. I don't know yet. I don't know why.

I have really had alot of pull to Colorado the last year without any real reason why. I've done as much research as I can and there aren't any graduate programs there that interest me. (Other than law school, which is not an option at the moment.) I've felt confused as to why I would feel such a strong draw to this place without any rhyme or reason other than I like it, so I looked at some apartments and houses online anyway, and they were just terrible. Awful, horrible little dumps. (Sorry, but it's true.) All of them were like that. I looked in several cities and they were all like that. It wasn't at all what I had pictured when I imagined the state and it really dimmed that light very quickly tonight. I want a better quality of life, not a worse one. Ick. (No doubt there are beautiful houses and safe, affordable neighborhoods Colorado, but I was not drawn to that for some reason, and for good purpose too. I need to move for school, and I can't find a program there right now...I don't need to be shown that right now, as much as I would like it.)

Which makes Oregon all the more easy to swallow. (Maybe that's why I had to be fixated on Colorado? So I could reject it and further embrace Oregon?) Being turned off by Colorado so suddenly made me much more interested in Oregon and made me more solidified with this plan of applying to their Conflict and Dispute Resolution program. But as I type this... I feel scared. I don't feel ready for lots of changes. Filling out an application sounds exciting right now (Filling out school applications is always fun, don't you think? lol) but, actually doing the work, and leaving my safety net here sounds... very scary at the moment. And right this second, I'm not ready to go. But I don't have to go right this second. (Breathe.) This would be a new life for me, and moving on. Not being stuck in the same place, doing the same thing anymore. Sacramento has given me alot, but... I'm not sure where it is I belong now.

What is my path?

Conflict & Dispute Resolution

I've been looking at graduate schools all over... I really would like to go to school in Colorado. I just have this fixation about living there. I don't know why, I just do. I looked alot at Utah too, as my second choice. But there just aren't any programs that interest me. I went through every major college's website and went through every graduate program they have, and nothing. I keep coming back to University of Oregon's Conflict & Dispute Resolution program. There just doesn't seem to be anything like it. And, I was just looking at it again, and it's under the School of Law. How about that?

School of Law

Conflict and Dispute Resolution

Graduate Director: Tim Hicks

Graduate Contact: Ellen Laing

Location: 330K

Website: http://conflict.uoregon.edu

Degrees Offered: M.S. and M.A.

Current # of Students: 15-25 cohort; 35 master's students

Program Emphasis: The Conflict and Dispute Resolution Master's degree program is structured to prepare a new generation of scholars, practitioners, and educators to rethink traditional approaches to conflict. Grounded in dispute resolution theory, the program combines broad interdisciplinary training and opportunities for individualized study and skills development. It equips its students with a mastery of skills and expanded perspectives in conflict resolution, from theoretical, practical, public policy, ethical and professional responsibility orientations. In addition, the conceptual knowledge and practical tools gained from this program will allow students to meet today's challenges with new answers and better questions.

Admission Requirements: Completed application, GRE, LSAT or GMAT score report, 3 letters of recommendation, personal statement, recent academic or professional writing sample, current CV. Note the we do not have absolute cut-off scores for the GRE, LSAT or GMAT. Rather we look at the entire application package and make our admissions decisions based on the whole picture. As part of the application process, we require a phone or in-person interview.

Minimum TOEFL: Toefl 575

Fall Admissions: 27 master's students

# of GTFs: N/A

From the program's website:
 
Our program is structured to provide you with the firm foundation during your first year from which you can then specialize during your second year, whether you want to help deal with the social consequences of climate change or work with other environmental and public policy issues, work in the international arena, in the corporate or non-profit sectors, in the community setting, in peace and reconciliation contexts, with interpersonal and family-based conflicts, within the justice system, or in some other area of the conflict resolution field.



Where would I get three letters of recommendation when I have been out of college for...7 years and I work for myself, so I don't have a boss who can write a professional recommendation? Ideas?
 
I did hear back from the program and my LSAT scores are still good for my application. I have to double check and make sure they will still be good if I apply for next year too, assuming I apply in the fall before my score hits the 6 year mark in December. They said the program is just down the wait-list candidates so if I got in, that's all I would be offered, so basically, that would be a waste of stress and effort because a wait-list seat is no seat at all. Better to apply next year, and early, if I were to do this. Do I really want to do this? Am I interested in this? ...Definitely more so than anything else I can find, and I don't have any other ideas... so...? Is that how one comes to make a decision like this? Because there's nothing else? The program does make ALOT of sense with my personality, background and interests. It is very much in the right direction, and I find myself looking for similar programs at other schools, but it's just too unique. The next closest thing would be a cross between Social Work, Counseling and Criminal Justice- and Law... which is funny because those are all subjects I've considered pursuing higher education in. (Except counseling... although that is the ONE subject I have been told more times than I can count [prior to all my issues] that I should do, but I'm not interested. My mom has an MS in Counseling... yelch.)
 
What are you thinking?
 
Is Oregon for me?

Users and Selfishness.

The whole time I was in high school and in college I used to fly up, (or in college, just drive over) to my siblings homes and help them take care of their kids, watch their homes, get ready for parties, babysit their animals for a week or two at a time, all kinds of stuff. Water their plants, collect their mail, sometimes commuting 40 miles each way per day back to school to do so. Granted, I did so because it was nice for me too; parties are fun, playing with dogs and cats are nice, getting away and having privacy is great. But these were favors. I wasn't paid. They were at my expense, I was expected to do them, and I received no compensation in terms of money, thank you's, gifts, souvenirs, thank you gifts, flowers, anything like that. I washed their dogs, guarded their homes against rouge ant invasions and cleaned out litter boxes for years.

It never occurred to me that 1.) I would need help like this too someday or that 2.) if I did need help that they wouldn't of course offer it in a heart beat.

Well, here we are, a few years down the road, I don't housesit for my brother anymore, but I still do for my sister (without compensation of course, and it is a HUGE amount of work with 2 cats, 2 outdoor only dogs confined to a dog run who have to be exercised daily, a temperature sensitive fish tank, and outdoor "barrel" fish. (They live in a barrel).  They also have a huge array of indoor plants, outdoor potted plants which are not on a drip system, and their cats have vomiting issues, and one cat doesn't eat or is bullied out of eating by the other cat so she has to be fed in private twice daily and supervised.

I asked my sister once to come by my house while I was out of town and simply pet my cats and check on them (I just leave extra food out and many water bowls, the fish tank running like a water fountain, and dare, I say... the toilet seat up in case of emergencies? GAG, but I saw Tootie do it once. Amelia would never do such a thing). She has to commute into Sacramento every day for work and my house is about 10 minutes from her workplace, so since she would be up here anyway, I asked if she could come by to pet them and make sure they were okay once or twice if she had time. She said it was "too far" and she "didn't have time."

A couple months later she bullied me into watching her house. So is that a geographical phenomenon? 10 minutes from your work is "too far" but me driving 50 miles round trip every day to take care of all your animals and plants is just fine?

Now that I have not just two cats, but a dog too, I have an even bigger problem when it comes to petsitting. I can't leave the dog at home. He has to go somewhere. I can't leave him here with extra food and water. He needs to go out to go potty and he needs people. He's not independent. He's the opposite. He's co-dependent.

In December when I first found him, my brother graciously babysat him for 5 or 6 days RIGHT after I found him and I was so grateful. I had nowhere to take him, he didn't have shots, he wasn't fixed, and since I thought he had a home somewhere, I couldn't do any of those things and take him to a kennel because I could get in (legal) trouble with his family for taking away his boy parts. Plus, I only had him for 36 hours before I had to leave. I'm so grateful he took him.

Initially his wife said no though, and my brother overruled her. I think it was fine, and the kids loved him. Charlie stayed with my brother during the day and they locked him up in one of their dog crates if they had to go somewhere. (He did poop in the crate once though. But, mind you, they have a dog who pooped all over their house before they kicked him outside. They have THREE dogs, all BIG dogs, a Pit, a Chow and a Lab, but Charlie is a Beagle, he's little... seriously, what's another dog when you already have that many? Especially when he only weighs 19 pounds?)

I'm going to Washington DC to shoot a wedding in a couple weeks and Charlie needs a babysitter. The last person who watched him, well, their dog attacked him and he had to go to the vet with puncture wounds in his neck and go on antibiotics. (That was after I came back, while he was there, she told me it was okay, but the boyfriend said they had scuffled other times so now I'm not sure). Charlie has severe separation anxiety and is afraid of enclosed spaces. He has a hard time being in a crate and panics when I leave him at home. He really needs to be with people and the best scenario would be for him to be with someone who would be home with him during the day while I was gone. My friend who watched him before has a job now so she'll be gone. If I put him in a kennel, he'll be alone in his cage or "suite" (as they call it) most of the day with a brief play period.

So I emailed my brother and offered to pay him or his daughters to take care of Charlie the 4-5 days I will be gone, emphasizing I know what an inconvenience it is and I so appreciate him taking him before, it's been 6 months since they had him, I figured he'd say no, but I threw it out there hoping. He said no, but his response kind of ticked me off. He said they were way too busy, and his wife was still giving him crap for last time.

I can't tell you how many times I took time out of my life to watch and care for his home, family and animals. This is the second time I have asked him, in 28 years to do a favor for me. And I'm asking him to do it in his own home, not 60 miles away without compensation for gas or asking him to commute every day. (Like he asked me to do all those times). He works from home every day, and he's home alone. When he was with Charlie before, Charlie slept in the office with him all day. That's all he did. When all the kids came home at night, he ran around with them, and played with the other dogs. You're too busy?

Why is the relationship I have with my family so one sided? Why am I expected to do everything, and get nothing in return? Isn't your family supposed to always be there if you need them? If any of these people called me up tomorrow and said they needed help my first instinct would be "Of course! Whatever you need! What can I do?"

When these same two siblings were told about Matt by my dad (he called them up and told them... against my wishes but he said he wanted to tell them so they could reach out and help me and be there for me) they never said a word to me about it and never have. They never reached out, never called, never asked if I was okay. They never hugged me, never acknowledged anything was wrong. I was in an outpatient program at Kaiser for 6 hours a day the first 3 weeks after I found out, and my sister Kristin knew this and never said a word to me. The only thing I ever heard her say about it, is when my dad told her about it, she told him that Matt was an a-hole, which upset me immensely when my dad repeated it to me. I was hurt deeply because I loved him. It had only been a couple of days since I had found out and it was just way too harsh of a reality to have repeated back to me. I loved him, I still do and it's hard to hear hurtful words about him. The man I KNEW was not a bad man. The man he really WAS was someone completely different. But the man she spoke about, was the man I knew, so it hurt. I wished my dad hadn't repeated it to me because it hurt alot to hear. But neither of them ever did anything. I never heard from my brother at all until Christmas, and my sister acted like everything was fine.

My other sister Erin texted me right away and asked if I was okay and offered to fly me down to visit. (She followed this up immediately with, she couldn't afford to fly me down, but she'd find a way.) lol

For the record, I also asked my Dad to babysit Charlie (I'd drive him 400 miles down there, which would also enable me to go to a baby shower of a friend I've had since she was 4 and I was 5), but he said no too. My mom has arthritis and I can't even imagine asking her.

I feel like I am the kind of person who would do anything for anybody (except help them move, don't ever ask me to do that, I haven't even unpacked my own car trunk from when I moved to southern California in 2006, and I moved back to Nor Cal in 2007... the trunk is still packed). But I don't know many who would do anything for me. Definitely not anyone who lives close and definitely not anyone in my family.

What is with that?

Hope

First, one of my good friends went into labor with her baby girl night before last.

She had a baby boy.

...

We have all been having lots of fun with that one. I don't think anyone is ever going to get tired of talking about it. And I cannot WAIT to hear about it directly from "Mommy." :) Young man doesn't have a name yet, but I am SUPER excited to hear what it will be, and I had lots of fun combing every baby website I could think of trying to find little boy stuff the night he was born. (Yes Shirlene, your mailman will be attacking you, courtesy of me. Sorry! It was compulsive. I hope it helps with the enormous task you now have at hand trading your beautiful hot pink baby girl stuff in for boy stuff! Really, I think of the receipients of my shopping binges as victims more than anything else. LOL)

...

I was driving home, in heavy fog the night after this sweet baby snuck into this world. Some song was playing on the radio and I just felt overcome. (Per usual.) I put my hand on my belly and cried. On the one hand I could almost feel the spirit of Shirlene's pregnant motherly body becoming my own- meaning, I could almost imagine myself being with child at that moment- I could almost feel it, dream it, picture it. Almost. Something I haven't been able to do. (You have to give me credit for admitting this because I feel nuts saying it like this! What am I, some kind of new age hippie taking on 'spirits'? LOL I hope you can get what I am TRYING to say... Not very well I might add...) At the same time I instantly felt robbed because I just can't. I can't be a Mom. I can't be someone's mother because in order to do that I have to allow myself to trust and love someone as a spouse first. And trust that person enough that I would allow myself to bring an innocent child into our marriage and into this world without doubt that anything would happen to it. At this time, I don't for a second believe that.

Driving in the car, in the fog, not being able to see ahead, and just totally living in the moment, for just a second... I felt that "someday baby" in my belly... and cried for having hope. But I couldn't even fully feel the hope because even as I was feeling that emotion, I was also feeling the anger of what had happened, the mistrust I have of both other people, and of myself, and of my dis-desire to return to those sweet dreams I have so coveted my whole life.

At the same time, I am so grateful for each of these sweet new babies that are born every day, and the people that are brave enough to give them life. I am so proud of you for taking on the task of motherhood and everything that it entails. I dream that I will one day dream of that life again. I am grateful for your faith, trust and love in the world and your relationships when you chose to bring these babies home. I aspire to you. I aspire to your faith.





...

After listening to this song play over and over and over again on the promos on cable I admit it, I was hooked and I sought it out on YouTube so I could listen to it's full length. Taylor Swift's channel has apparently been malfunctioning or been overused or something for the last two days because I haven't been able to get anything by her host (even by other artists) to play for the last two days. Since I've been up all night the last two nights editing Shirlene's maternity pictures and posting the pictures over on my work blog, I needed the music and have devoted some serious time trying to get the darn thing to play. In desperation, I turned to You Tube artists. And I think I found something I might like even MORE than the original. Really! This is a duet sung by Julia Sheer and Tyler Ward, with the latter on guitar. They are great and I really love her voice.

BANG- HEAD- ON- DESK

This has just been a bad freaking week. I keep looking at myself, and thinking, "Hey, maybe you are really okay with this! I mean, you're not laying on the floor in the fetal position. Maybe this isn't such a big deal!"

The contrast from which how I handled the ending of my last relationship and how this process seems to be going is drastic to say the least. It's also funny because I have found myself lately wishing I could speak to David, my first boyfriend whom I met right as I graduated college, about some of the things that have happened. We broke up in 2007 after 3 years together. He is married now. When that relationship ended, I was a big slobbery, snotty, mucus filled mess.

It's not like that this time and I don't know what to make of it. Probably part of that is that I am on four different types of mood stabilizers. Another part of it probably has to do with the fact that beyond my heart being broken, I am also simply terrified, and that emotion is overriding everything else right now. It probably doesn't feel safe to cry and that primitive part of my brain shuts me down from doing that because I have to be ready to run at any moment because Matt the Ripper is going to come up on me at any moment with a gun.

I had my first anxiety class yesterday. We talked about the primitive brain thing. What's it called? Your amaglea... amagdlea? (too tired to look up spelling, sorry) It's some section of your brain located at the back, it's very primitive and basically it just keeps us safe. It tells us we aren't safe, kicks the adrenaline into overdrive and tells us to flee. That's how I feel all the time. Right now, sitting in my house, with all the lights on, watching the cat walk around the house carrying his baby blanket around in his mouth (did I mention it's pink?) and sitting at my desk.... my shoulders are pulled tight to my neck and hiked up close to my ears... my upper arms ache from being held tensely all day... my legs are perched in this chair and I keep looking out the front window to see who is there... Even thought it's almost 10pm and of course no one is there.

When I lay in bed at night, I curl up tight, and really nothing changes. My back, neck, arms, shoulders all ache. I hold them tight all the time now. I just can't stop clenching. I'm nervous. Jumpy. Twitchy. I'll hear noises in the night in the house and wake up startled, scared. 9 times out of 10 I think someones in the house. I used to be a heavy sleeper. Now the cat jumps on the counter and I'm looking for my machete. If I had one, anyway.

(Anyway have one I could borrow?)

When I was in that anxiety class they had us do a relaxation exercise by listening to a CD where we systematically tighten and release specific muscles in our body until we are totally relaxed in our chairs.

I had to get up and move seats before we even started because I felt afraid because there was a man sitting diagonally behind me in my seat. I kept turning and looking at him to make sure he wasn't close; finally I got up and moved to a seat surrounded by women on all sides. One of them had terrible BO but I felt much more secure there.

Once they started the tape.... Oh boy. It was not good. Every few seconds, I would jump out of my seat thinking something was coming up behind me. I tried really really hard and I managed to sit through the whole darn thing but I was so anxious by the end of it I was about ready to run a marathon and scream for an hour I was so amped up. And FREAKED. But it did give me an "ah-ha" moment. I'm afraid to relax because I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe anymore. (...gettin' upset...) He took away my feelings of safety. I was so blindsided by all of this that now I feel like I don't know what's going to happen next. Anything could happen and I don't know how to anticipate it. The behaviors and actions of the people around me, particularly men are completely unpredictable, so how and why would or could I ever relax or let me guard down again? Something really bad could happen. I know this is really distorted thinking, but I didn't even know that this is what I HAD been thinking until yesterday when I realized I didn't feel safe. He took my sense of safety and he took the trust I had in myself with him when he left. I think a part of me is angry, but not a yell and scream angry- a crying angry.

Other things he said to me while we were together have jumped out at me this week.

While we was wooing me, talking about marrying me... he told me his wife could have anything she wanted. ...I think she already does, Matt.

I told him I was a little hesitant to be fully honest with him because he seemed to pull away when I did so and he replied that if we didn't have honesty, we didn't have anything. He was just trying to help me open up, but now. What the freak was that supposed to have meant?

**Edited to Add**
He also told me his ex-girlfriend from college whom he had been engaged to but whom cheated on him a month before the wedding so he broke it off (chew on that- cheating is intolerable to him- whether he made that story up or not-- but he expects his wife to put up with it???) contacted him out of the blue 5 years after they broke up a few months after we started seeing each other. She asked him if he was seeing anyone and he said he felt very smug in being able to say yes, and that she didn't say anything else to him after that. (Via text). He also told me last December that she called him out of the blue, again, after over 5 years of no contact to tell him that her mother had died of cancer. He said he had been very close to her mom but that since they weren't together anymore the conversation was awkward and then he had to deal with the grief of losing the ex's mother alone.

I'm guessing all of the above is probably false.

He did tell me a couple of good things. In the scrapbook I made for each of us for Christmas last year, I included notes we had written each other. In one of them he told me that I shouldn't ever give up on my dreams for some guy, and that my wishes and dreams should be respected no matter what.

More recently, late last winter after we had made amends and we were trying to decide whether we were going to put a label on our relationship again or wait until he was back on his feet (he felt like he had nothing to offer me as a partner and it wasn't fair to me to tie me down when he was "worthless" at that time, as he said,). I told him I loved him and wanted to shout it from the rooftops, tell everyone, post it on facebook, etc. And he told me, if I changed my status, I might miss out on my perfect guy because he might see that I wasn't dating and move on. I said something like, I already have my perfect guy, but.... You know what I mean thinking about that statement now.

I wish I knew why he did this. I am starting to feel used. I am starting to feel tossed away like a piece of garbage. Like a piece of trash or a toy he took out and played with and then threw under the bed when he was done with... only to dig it out again when he got bored. How could one person do that to another human being? How can you have so little respect for someone else? How could he have so little respect for my life and my feelings? Does he not understand how much he has messed me up? For his own selfish purposes? WHY? What is wrong with him that he would do that? How could he dare swoop in here and represent himself to be someone and something that he most definitely was NOT? And how long would he have kept up this charade? Would he have married me? Had kids with me? How can you consciously choose to cause psychological damage to another person? And look at how much of my life I have WASTED on this person!

This fall I was supposed to be taking LSAT prep classes, taking exams and going back to school! And now where am I? In the same exact place I was two years ago! In the same house, doing the same thing, unhappy and feeling absolutely trapped. And now a whole new set of issues, this time so much more serious that I don't even know where to begin to cope with them. What is wrong with him? What is wrong with people? Why would you choose to hurt someone? How can you make a CONSCIOUS CHOICE to mess up someones life? WHY?

And why did he have to pick me? Why me? After all the other things that have happened... why did I have to go through this too?

I hope so, so SO badly that I won't have to experience any more major things in my life like this. I am so tired. I feel hopeless. I feel like there is nothing to look forward to. I feel like the future is just one big black blob of nothingness. And that isn't anything to look forward to anymore.

Uneasy

Driving home from my sister's tonight I started feeling uneasy thinking about things. I swear, everything changes day to day: my feelings, my stability... I don't know, it just feels like it is ever-changing, and yet, at the same time, nothing ever changes.

What I was thinking was how Matt manipulated and toyed and used my emotions and attachment to him to his advantage. I don't like saying that, but I know it's true because I have the facts now, and there is no alternative explanation.

In October, I broke things off with Matt (it was sort of mutual, but I initiated it and he was ok with it; he agreed) because the long distance just was not working with how his schedule was at the time and how much effort he was putting in. He had to go on-shift in the middle of the conversation, and never called me back so we never wrapped things up, which was... I don't know...unnerving? Rude? Something. A week later I was working at a wedding and he texted me and told me his dad had been rushed to the hospital because he had gone numb on one side. Sounded to me like he was having another stroke. I was REALLY upset, I even told the bride at the wedding what was going on and told him as soon as the wedding was over that I would drive up to Redding if he needed my support.

I didn't hear from him for a couple of weeks and ended up combing through the obituaries to see if his dad had DIED. When I finally heard from him, after texting and calling and emailing every day, he casually said that "it was a minor concern, but it was fine."

Now knowing NONE of that was true, what was the point? To gain sympathy and attention? To which he didn't even take advantage of? To feel like I was crawling at his feet or something?

And then... him coming back in February and begging for forgivness for everything and saying all the right things, asking for support through the rough period of his appealment hearing for his job, asking me to put our issues on hold for him that night he stayed here, the first night I had seen him in a very long time and the first since we had smoothed things over. And he got me to agreed to not discuss anything... we had pizza, watched a movie and he tried to make the moves on me (which I ignored). When he was sweet talking me on the phone before the visit, he told me that he had driven down here to empty out his house and sign papers to foreclose it and he was so depressed because he had just lost his job, and his house and he felt like he had nothing because he didn't have me.

But none of that was true. NONE of it. It was pure manipulation. It had to be. There is no other explanation for it. Right?

And in addition to that, none of that was necessary either. I was waiting for him to come back... I just needed him to apologize and accept responsibility for his actions (or rather, lack of actions) and let me talk about it, and do better. I didn't need some big orchestrated song and dance to guilt me into coming back to him. What was the point?

Also, knowing there never was a appeal hearing, that was a ploy in order to spend the night at my house. Because he wanted to "drive down the night before" so he wouldn't be stressed driving 2 hours in the morning.... But really he was probably driving 15-20 minutes from his house. Or maybe he came from his office. I don't know. I don't know how he explained the longer absences from home... I mean, I just...? He spent ALOT of time with me at some points... a lot of our time was limited because his "grandparents were taking the family out to dinner in Dunsmuir to celebrate the new job as a special agent at ATF"..... and he had to leave by 4pm in order to arrive on time and get dressed and stuff... and typing that now I realize... 4pm... I bet they get home from work at 5pm. And he had to be home by then. Because he was probably supposed to be home during the day. So he had to make it look like he had been there all day. Not on a date with me, hanging out with me and fooling around with me all afternoon. Right.

What is wrong with him?