Dreams

Since the interview, I've been having some seriously weird dreams. First, it started off with this really intense dream about me being in labor with my baby. (A baby I am definetly not pregnant with at current time.) It was this really long, intense dream... I can't say much more about it than that. I remember I was wearing blue, and my hair was up. I think I was having a girl, and I was holding a pillow. I don't remember pain or anything, I just remember this feeling of calmness. We had things we were doing to get ready, and somebody was helping me with that and I was holding the pillow and standing around the house waiting- in labor. It was very strange.  My only real guess about this is that I have  alot of friends who are pregnant right now, and I have alot of interest in natural labor, but I've never dreamed about something like that before. Weird. A couple friends on facebook said I should write it down. It might be one of those pre-deja-vous things... Of course considering how I feel about having babies because of this whole experience with Matt, I don't know if that will ever happen.

Last night I had another odd dream... about reconciling with Matt. THAT is definitely not something I ever considered consciously. In my dream... we were all there talking.. the wife, him, some friend of theirs, in some beach house.. but it was a beach house with grass, like one you'd see on the east coast. And for some reason I was sneaking around it, and they come back to the house, and it's fine that I'm there, like the wife plops on the couch like she knew I'd be there, tired and we all talk. I sit next to Matt and he's holding my hands and trying to kiss me and I tell him no because I don't want to hurt her. She finally walks away and then the police come, who, interestingly enough is some random guy I went to high school with- Matt Fry- who I don't even know if he works in law enforcement. He comes and leads us outside, unbeknownst to Sydney and we all walk quickly around the outsode of the building and he advises Matt on how to leave her, and they talk about the abuse he has gone through, from one cop to another.  Then he runs to the back door of the house to get all of his stuff as quickly as possible before she makes a scence and it gets out of hand.

...I guess my subconscious found some loophole? He's being abused and that made him do it?? I don't know, I woke up confused. In all these months, I have never considered this ever, I have never wanted that, ever. The guy in that body in that house is NOT the person I was with. He just isn't. That person is gone and he has been since August 3rd, he died. He can't ever come back. One of the things I've struggled with in therapy is the statement "He's not coming home." I'll tell her I just want him to come home, and she'll answer with that and I just lose it. It's a really powerful statement to me and REALLY upsetting. I can barely stand to hear it. I don't know, I guess, last night, in my dream, my subconcious found a way to bring him home in a way that would be okay. (I don't even know if that would be okay, but it was okay with me in the dream.)

I don't know what to say. That's just what I dreamed.