The dough that doesn't rise.

This is me.



I am bread dough.



But I am jacked up bread dough.



Because I don't rise.



I just get blobbier.

A sticky, blobby, blubbery mess of goop that never rises or grows and just gets messier every day.

That is what I have turned in to. That's what I feel like every day...

*

I weighed myself again. I lost some more. Not too much. So, I guess that is okay.

Still on the wonderbread diet. Amazing, all these weeks later and turkey sandwiches on wonderbread just really doesn't get old. How is that possible?

Practical advice time:

I am having trouble filling out the Kaiser paperwork... I have to call and ask them questions. This is difficult because all I want to do is go back to bed and sleep and cry. So is it worth the effort of filling it out? Probably, but it is going to take me awhile to get it filled out. I need to present bank statements and show how much I have paid out of pocket to my HMO in the last year. How exactly to do that I have no idea...

Anyway the question is do I go to my groups this week? It will cost me $50 to go to both... One is an anxiety class, that is Thursday, and the other is a support group for depression, that is Friday. I honestly feel completely incapable of making descions. I was going to email my therapist since she runs the second group and knows about my money problem, but they don't usually tell you what to do... I have been much, much weepier this week than I have been since I don't know when. I just think of him all day long. Hold his shirt. Cry. Miss him. Want it to all go away. Go to sleep... Wonder what the point is in doing anything at all anyway...

Not that I am anticipating this as being an issue any time soon, especially since I am flirting with agoraphobia (where you're afraid of leaving the house), but I still want something prepared, so I can have a long time to think about it and be prepared. What if somebody asks me out or tries to set me up? I don't know what to say. A man approached me at a wedding the weekend before last and was trying to talk to me about my camera and I was super panicky. There wasn't anything wrong with him; he was nicely dressed, attractive, there alone, but he scared the crap out of me and I didn't know how to get away from him. Under ordinary circumstances I would just chit chat, mention my sweetheart at home, flash my ring, and move along. This time I felt trapped. Since most of my friends still think Matt and I are together (as far as I know anyway... I haven't said anything to them) I don't anticipate it being an issue immediately but I want to be prepared. What do I say or do?

I almost cried in the line at Walmart yesterday. Some middle aged guy tried to stand super close next to me when I was putting my stuff on the conveyor and I asked him to move away and he wouldn't. I actually picked up the cart and pushed it inbetween us to get him to move away from me and he wouldn't. I was pinned against the check out thing and between my cart and people were staring and the guy was some kind of Eastern European and I couldn't understand what he was saying and I started getting so upset and everybody was staring.... Finally the checker realized that the guy had been at the counter before trying to buy something else earlier and had had an issue and that's why he was up so close. I don't know why he didn't just go up to the checker and why he was standing next to my hip like that and touching me but it scared me and startled and upset me. I think the language thing was the primary problem. The checker apologized... I really don't want to feel this way or to experience this stuff. I don't want to go in public and be afraid. I don't want to be upset all the time! I don't want to cry because some guy stands too close to me in line at WalMart.

What happened to me?

Emily's terrible, no good, very bad day.

First, for anybody that missed it, or has any questions or comments regarding pictures, please read the comments from my last post. I seriously can't handle any more discussion on that front because it is too upsetting.



Today was a really terrible, no good very bad day... someone just reminded me of that book and well, it's currently the theme of my life so why not make it a blog title?



I had some serious mental breakdowns in the last 24 hours regarding my fianances and trying to get help for myself. I realized I'm paying right around $500 out of pocket in co-pays, fees, etc for Kaiser this month ALONE. Did I mention that (despite the fanciness of my work blog and being published and all) I haven't had income in months and I am living on my savings? So every penny that I am paying out trying to help myself dig out of this pit of hell is really just digging me deeper in, because once I run out of money, where am I supposed to go? A cardboard box? What am I supposed to do, be the bag lady with a couple of cats loitering around the target parking lot?



Anyway, I engaged in several hysterical crying phone calls, which decrased in hysteria with each following call I made, but still. I don't know how I'm supposed to pay for all of this. They have me in all of these classes and support groups and I have to go in and see the N.P. and have my medication monitored, all of which costs a crapload of money. I finally found private counseling! Oh yeah! Great, right? With an intern! So it's cheap, right? Nope! $40 a session! That's only $10 less than Kaiser, and when I realized on Thursday afternoon just how much money I had paid in copays this week alone (over $100) I instantly wanted to cancel that therapy appointment that I have tried for so many weeks to get- But on, no! They have a required 24 hours cancelation policy so I couldn't cancel it! So there's another $40! I burst into tears as soon as I got in her office but she didn't offer me any concessions. My mom (who is a therapist) made the comment that when she was an intern (which wasn't all that long ago mind you) that she didn't get paid at all, so this intern who had told me she gets less than half of what I pay her... well, is that my problem?! But now what am I supposed to do?



I had another meltdown in the depression group I went to today about it as well. I tried to find the leader to talk to her about this before I paid to see if she thought I should stay or not and I couldn't find her and I didn't know what to do so I went down and paid- well I guess I forgot my credit card because all I had was my debit. I charge EVERYTHING. I charge it so I can juggle it for a few months, and because I need to reserve every penny of cash I have for things I have to pay in cash- like rent. And I had to pay for the freaking class in cash.




Then when I got back up to the room there were a bunch of men in there. I don't know if I have mentioned this already on the blog but I have been having major issues being around men- being around any man in general is triggering anxiety and panic attacks. The second I got back in the room and realized there were men in there I wanted to run back out screaming.



I don't know what I am supposed to do with myself.


The positive thing about group though was that instead of talking about my big issues, I talked about this money thing, and somebody told me Kaiser has special programs for people in financial crisis. I went to member services after the meeting and first stated to the rep how embarrassed I was to be there, said I needed help, and promptly then burst into tears becoming instantly incomprehendable. The person got the gist and got me the paperwork. They said it was okay and everything would be okay and it wasn't a big deal to ask for help and I just needed to get some paperwork together to verify I don't have any income coming in and to mark all of the papers as urgent and get it in the mail as quickly as possible. So I have the papers, but when I read through the directions myself there are a few more things I need and some things I'm not sure how to fill out or answer.





(Like, I'm supposed to total the amount I have paid out of pocket to Kaiser in the last year. But my credit card, being retarded, only lets you search statements from the last 90 days, so how the freak am I supposed to comb through all these statements and tally it up, and how am I supposed to tell the different between a copay and me buying chapstick in the pharmacy?)





I feel really overwhelmed. This is good, but I am so incredibly overwhelmed and I feel like I don't know if I can do it. I know I have to, but it's just so much.





And now the real reason why I sat down to write tonight and the only thing I intended on sharing with you all when I started typing:





All day, all evening, all I am thinking about, dreaming, day dreaming, fantasizing about... I miss him. I just miss him. I miss how he smells. How he laughs and teased me. How he hugged me and cuddled into the side of my face. I miss wrestling and playing with him. I miss holding his hand. I miss his arms around me. He used to spend so much time just looking at me in the face, looking me in the eye. Just happy. We'd just look at each other. We were so happy. I loved him so much. I love him so much. I miss how he would hug me and pull me into the middle of his chest and I would feel so small and so protected with him there. I miss standing on tip toe to kiss him. I miss hearing him tell me how much he loved me.





I just miss him. I would give anything if I could just have my life back; if my Matty could come home to me and none of this had ever happened or had ever been true. If he had just been the person he said he was, the person he always was with me, and the man I loved so much and admired with every part of my being.

I miss him, and I love him so much.

John Tucker must die

I am watching this ridiculous movie right now on cable. (John Tucker must die, hence my title post). A couple more things are clicking into place for me right now while I watch these teen movie- about a guy who was three timing his girlfriends.

Matt's a liar. He was always a liar. He lied and manipulated and used me. He knew exactly what he was doing from the moment he came up with the idea and had no intention of ever telling anyone or getting caught and would have just gone on indefinetly as long as it benefited him.

He was an absolute and total liar and manipulator. His make up is of the worst traits a person could possibly be.

When his wife emailed me, before she threatened me, one of the things she said was that she was "still so in love with" her husband and that she "didn't get married for just a little while," she "got married for forever." Fair enough.

But how long did he get married for? He already broke all of his marriage vows. If you break your vows, have no remorse, spent at least half of your marriage living a lie- and that's a MINIMUM of half of your marriage, it could have been more for all I know... They have been married for 4 years and he was with me for almost 2 of those years. What meaning do those vows have for him? He wasn't the one who came clean here, he wasn't the one who stopped the relationship or felt guilty or anything. He got caught and now he's just obeying orders.

What kind of a marriage is that? What does that say about how he is treating the relationship or the marriage or how he values it? Nobody what he is saying, look how he has and is acting? One of the first things his wife said when he got in the house was, "No wonder you never wear your f-ing wedding ring" and grabbed his hand and flung it back at him. He wasn't even wearing his ring then. I hadn't seen him in a few weeks because he had been so "depressed" over turning down that federal agent job he had been offered (all lies) and he wanted some space to figure things out. He wasn't even wearing his wedding ring in his own house, coming home to this mess.

What does that say?

Is this really the example of a healthy realtionship that I would want to be setting for my daughter? That this is how men should treat women? Look at how daddy treats mommy? Look at what daddy did to this woman?

I was driving around the other day and it occured to me that he dragged me, really they both dragged me, into their marital problems. When he came looking for me, they obviously already had serious issues, otherwise what on earth was he doing with a paid for subscription to a dating service? 10 days after his daughter was born? I was looking for the right person for me and I got duped and dragged into some other person's martital drama. How did this even happen?

Something that bugs me about that day in the house... I think about this alot. One of the many times his wife called to scream at him on the phone while he was on his way back to the house, she told him that their daughter wouldn't be there when he got there because He didn't get to see her right now. That just struck me as an odd comment coming from my side of the situation. As soon as his daughter was born, he created an entirely new identity for himself where he had no children, no responsibilities and found excuses to spend days, nights, evenings, weekends, as much time as possible away from his family. Did he really care whether he saw her?

I'm sure he does, it's just one of those statements that just stuck with me.

Wordless Wednesday

Okay, I am going to say a few words because as you should all know by now, I have difficulty hushing myself up.

On Sunday one of my clients who had gotten wind that I was having a hard time of sorts took pity of me and offered to cancel their session until things were looking better. I majorly hesitated but I accepted and after a ton of debating I gave myself permission to go on a roadtrip at 3 in the afternoon to Apple Hill, which is a place around here in the mountains where everyone goes to pick apples, go to a little festival, get local produce, lots of good snacks, kettle corn, spicy pickles, pies, arts and crafts, carmel apples, pies, etc. They closed at 5pm and it was an hour drive so you can see I stalled for a long time, but I went anyway and brought home some apple cider donuts, among other things.

I also did something the therapists have been yakking at me to do for weeks: practicing "mindfullness." Basically, give yourself a mental break, clear your head of thoughts and just take in the present moment. So when the parking lot at High Hill Ranch started clearing out and I had gotten the last apple cider milkshake before the shoppe closed (with carmel, oh my, when you don't want to eat anything, this place really helps!), I wandered out into the apple orchard, looked around to make sure I didn't have any witnesses who were going to yell at me and I just laid down and tried to take some deep breaths for awhile.

Honestly, that is seriously hard for me right now. I don't feel safe enough to relax. I am so tense and on edge, I am afraid something will happen if I am not always prepared. But being alone in the orchard, after sucking down my milkshake, laying in the grass, and focusing seriously hard for like half an hour, I think I got my mind off of it for like a minute and a half to maybe as long as three minutes. Which is like a record. I wished I didn't have to leave.

I want to go back!

For the purposes of documentation so you all can make fun of me and possibly gag up your breakfasts (just trying to help out the dieters!), I'm bathing once a week pretty regularly now because I have to for work- I went to one or two weddings with greasy filthy hair that hadn't been washed in a couple of weeks, but now I'm trying to commit to bathing before each wedding. I'm still mostly just eating turkey sandwiches on smart wonderbread (looks like white but it's wheat and is 50 cals a slice), but the last two days I branched out and had angel hair with marinara. I am not struggling with eating dessert so much anymore... cough cough.... but my weight is still coming down, but it has slowed down a lot, which is good, and I am much more comfortable with the rate now. It is not scary fast weight loss like it was. Even though I am not counting calories or anything and this is more of a problem- I am not eating enough- I am still a bit overweight so I am not as stressed about it as I was, so I am just keeping monitoring it. My hair also seems to be falling out. This has happened to me before when I've been really stressed, it always comes out at the same spots at my temples, so I look like a balding man. It's extremely attractive. My forehead seems scary huge in the below photo. Another extremely attractive quality to add to the greasy baldy hair and body acne I am now developing probably from not bathing. Did I mention that?

The Runaway Bunny

Have you ever known anyone who successfully ran away [as an adult]?



Obviously, my fantasies of running away to Colorado or some other place I have either never been or only have childhood memories of and have absolutely no connections to have been persisting. I want things to change.

I want to feel safe. I don't want to be near him. I don't want to be afraid of running into him. Or HER. I don't want to be afraid of seeing things that remind me of him or her or us or the future we had planned. I don't want to be afraid that the next client inquiry I have for a wedding will be for an event in a location tied to him, or people that remind me of him, or have ties to him. It's the former that scares me most. The thought of having to drive up to or through Redding for any reason whatsoever makes my heart pound. I don't ever want to pass anywhere near Woodland (where they live) again. I hate that the fact he is a highway patrolmen means everytime I get on the freeway I will inevitably see a squad car identical to his, sending me into panic.




Do you know someone, or know of anyone who just picked up and moved somewhere for no particular reason?

I guess my mom kind of did that. She retired to a tiny town in Oregon for the simple reason she liked it. She had never even been there until she went there to look at houses. But she went WITH someone. And she was retired.

Is it stupid and silly that I want to run away? Am I acting like I'm 4?

Is this going to fade? Because frankly, the more freaked out and messed up I feel here, the more intense my urge to flee the area seems to be.

Meet me on Monday

Questions

1. What is your favorite all time movie?

I have a lot so this is really, really hard.

I can watch Sense and Sensibility over and over. (Emma Thompson version.)

I love Catch & Release with Jennifer Garner, even though I don't even like her as an actress... this movie MADE me like her, and it is totally the root of my obsession with Colorado.

I used to really like French Kiss, but now it has bad associations because of who reccomended it to me. (Sour face.)

I also adore By the Light of the Silvery Moon and On Moonlight Bay.

But I think, maybe, the all-time favorite might be... Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. :)

2. How often do you go over the speed limit?

What's a speed limit?

No, seriously.

3. What really gives you the creeps?

Right now? Anything with boy parts.

No, I'm REALLY not kidding.

4. What is your favorite snack?

Me and Java are TWINS. CHIPS AND DIP it's my FAVORITE. I could live on it. I LOVE it.

Guac and tortilla chips

or Onion dip and regular potato chips are my favorite... but I'll eat any kind of chip and dip combo. <3

5. Would you rather be a dog named Killer or a cat named Fluffy?

Was this a rhetorical question? Duh. Fluffy. Nobody's a bigger kitty cat lover than me. Plus being snuggled and petted sounds so nice doesn't it? I don't want to have to fetch and kill stuff... Ick.

BANG- HEAD- ON- DESK

This has just been a bad freaking week. I keep looking at myself, and thinking, "Hey, maybe you are really okay with this! I mean, you're not laying on the floor in the fetal position. Maybe this isn't such a big deal!"

The contrast from which how I handled the ending of my last relationship and how this process seems to be going is drastic to say the least. It's also funny because I have found myself lately wishing I could speak to David, my first boyfriend whom I met right as I graduated college, about some of the things that have happened. We broke up in 2007 after 3 years together. He is married now. When that relationship ended, I was a big slobbery, snotty, mucus filled mess.

It's not like that this time and I don't know what to make of it. Probably part of that is that I am on four different types of mood stabilizers. Another part of it probably has to do with the fact that beyond my heart being broken, I am also simply terrified, and that emotion is overriding everything else right now. It probably doesn't feel safe to cry and that primitive part of my brain shuts me down from doing that because I have to be ready to run at any moment because Matt the Ripper is going to come up on me at any moment with a gun.

I had my first anxiety class yesterday. We talked about the primitive brain thing. What's it called? Your amaglea... amagdlea? (too tired to look up spelling, sorry) It's some section of your brain located at the back, it's very primitive and basically it just keeps us safe. It tells us we aren't safe, kicks the adrenaline into overdrive and tells us to flee. That's how I feel all the time. Right now, sitting in my house, with all the lights on, watching the cat walk around the house carrying his baby blanket around in his mouth (did I mention it's pink?) and sitting at my desk.... my shoulders are pulled tight to my neck and hiked up close to my ears... my upper arms ache from being held tensely all day... my legs are perched in this chair and I keep looking out the front window to see who is there... Even thought it's almost 10pm and of course no one is there.

When I lay in bed at night, I curl up tight, and really nothing changes. My back, neck, arms, shoulders all ache. I hold them tight all the time now. I just can't stop clenching. I'm nervous. Jumpy. Twitchy. I'll hear noises in the night in the house and wake up startled, scared. 9 times out of 10 I think someones in the house. I used to be a heavy sleeper. Now the cat jumps on the counter and I'm looking for my machete. If I had one, anyway.

(Anyway have one I could borrow?)

When I was in that anxiety class they had us do a relaxation exercise by listening to a CD where we systematically tighten and release specific muscles in our body until we are totally relaxed in our chairs.

I had to get up and move seats before we even started because I felt afraid because there was a man sitting diagonally behind me in my seat. I kept turning and looking at him to make sure he wasn't close; finally I got up and moved to a seat surrounded by women on all sides. One of them had terrible BO but I felt much more secure there.

Once they started the tape.... Oh boy. It was not good. Every few seconds, I would jump out of my seat thinking something was coming up behind me. I tried really really hard and I managed to sit through the whole darn thing but I was so anxious by the end of it I was about ready to run a marathon and scream for an hour I was so amped up. And FREAKED. But it did give me an "ah-ha" moment. I'm afraid to relax because I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe anymore. (...gettin' upset...) He took away my feelings of safety. I was so blindsided by all of this that now I feel like I don't know what's going to happen next. Anything could happen and I don't know how to anticipate it. The behaviors and actions of the people around me, particularly men are completely unpredictable, so how and why would or could I ever relax or let me guard down again? Something really bad could happen. I know this is really distorted thinking, but I didn't even know that this is what I HAD been thinking until yesterday when I realized I didn't feel safe. He took my sense of safety and he took the trust I had in myself with him when he left. I think a part of me is angry, but not a yell and scream angry- a crying angry.

Other things he said to me while we were together have jumped out at me this week.

While we was wooing me, talking about marrying me... he told me his wife could have anything she wanted. ...I think she already does, Matt.

I told him I was a little hesitant to be fully honest with him because he seemed to pull away when I did so and he replied that if we didn't have honesty, we didn't have anything. He was just trying to help me open up, but now. What the freak was that supposed to have meant?

**Edited to Add**
He also told me his ex-girlfriend from college whom he had been engaged to but whom cheated on him a month before the wedding so he broke it off (chew on that- cheating is intolerable to him- whether he made that story up or not-- but he expects his wife to put up with it???) contacted him out of the blue 5 years after they broke up a few months after we started seeing each other. She asked him if he was seeing anyone and he said he felt very smug in being able to say yes, and that she didn't say anything else to him after that. (Via text). He also told me last December that she called him out of the blue, again, after over 5 years of no contact to tell him that her mother had died of cancer. He said he had been very close to her mom but that since they weren't together anymore the conversation was awkward and then he had to deal with the grief of losing the ex's mother alone.

I'm guessing all of the above is probably false.

He did tell me a couple of good things. In the scrapbook I made for each of us for Christmas last year, I included notes we had written each other. In one of them he told me that I shouldn't ever give up on my dreams for some guy, and that my wishes and dreams should be respected no matter what.

More recently, late last winter after we had made amends and we were trying to decide whether we were going to put a label on our relationship again or wait until he was back on his feet (he felt like he had nothing to offer me as a partner and it wasn't fair to me to tie me down when he was "worthless" at that time, as he said,). I told him I loved him and wanted to shout it from the rooftops, tell everyone, post it on facebook, etc. And he told me, if I changed my status, I might miss out on my perfect guy because he might see that I wasn't dating and move on. I said something like, I already have my perfect guy, but.... You know what I mean thinking about that statement now.

I wish I knew why he did this. I am starting to feel used. I am starting to feel tossed away like a piece of garbage. Like a piece of trash or a toy he took out and played with and then threw under the bed when he was done with... only to dig it out again when he got bored. How could one person do that to another human being? How can you have so little respect for someone else? How could he have so little respect for my life and my feelings? Does he not understand how much he has messed me up? For his own selfish purposes? WHY? What is wrong with him that he would do that? How could he dare swoop in here and represent himself to be someone and something that he most definitely was NOT? And how long would he have kept up this charade? Would he have married me? Had kids with me? How can you consciously choose to cause psychological damage to another person? And look at how much of my life I have WASTED on this person!

This fall I was supposed to be taking LSAT prep classes, taking exams and going back to school! And now where am I? In the same exact place I was two years ago! In the same house, doing the same thing, unhappy and feeling absolutely trapped. And now a whole new set of issues, this time so much more serious that I don't even know where to begin to cope with them. What is wrong with him? What is wrong with people? Why would you choose to hurt someone? How can you make a CONSCIOUS CHOICE to mess up someones life? WHY?

And why did he have to pick me? Why me? After all the other things that have happened... why did I have to go through this too?

I hope so, so SO badly that I won't have to experience any more major things in my life like this. I am so tired. I feel hopeless. I feel like there is nothing to look forward to. I feel like the future is just one big black blob of nothingness. And that isn't anything to look forward to anymore.

Meet me on Monday

Blog Hoppin' from Java's Never Growing Old Blog


No pictures this week. I'm too tired. My Dad was here for his 50th High School reunion on the weekend and he force fed me ice cream and sorbet yesterday and my mom is flying in today and I have to clean my whole house and make it look like a depressed person who hasn't taken out the trash in a month hasn't been living here; that really a more normal person has. So mean.


1. What is your favorite pasta dish?

Pumpkin stuffed Tortellini, or I love the Old Spaghetti Factory's Spinach Tortellini with Alfredo and some Romano on top. It has 50 grams of fat. I can't remember the last time I ate it, but oh, it was good.

2. What is the last thing you do before going to bed?

Lately, I turn the little lamp on on my sewing desk as bright as it will go and I stare out the window or space out at the walls. I finished the book, "When your Lover Lies," but I can't read "How could you do this to me" because it's too upsetting, so I don't know what to read. I have been reading bits and pieces of the "The Language of Letting Go" if I am feeling really anxious before bed. Pitiful.

Sometimes I also try to hold the cat(s) hostage under the blankets.

3. How many nights a week do you go out to eat?

Since money has been so tight I haven't been eating out at all. :( And now I am getting really freaked out about being out in public because I am getting freaked out about being around men. My mom want to take me out for a special dinner tonight but I am so anxious about being around other people and having order something that I will actually have to eat, and then the realization that restaurants don't have bland food and I can't have a wonder bread sandwich (am I a freak or WHAT????) is making me VERY ANXIOUS!


4. Are you an avid book reader?

Before law school I was. Reading 500+ pages a week killed that urge.

5. Would you rather have x-ray vision or bionic hearing?

I'm thinking Java's comment about eavesdropping sounded pretty good, and I'll go with the bionic hearing because I would like to know what is going on at Matt's house right now and the last 24 hours I have seriously begun to worry and wonder if he was beginning to pursue other people this spring. He hates to take pictures of himself and I was always begging him for pictures and randomly this spring he sent me one- to my delight and shock- I asked him why he sent it and he said he just felt like it. But reflecting on months of begging asking him to take one, I wonder if he was taking it for another reason.

I'll take the bionic hearing.



I think the medication is really starting to work... but last night I was having all of these crazy urges to just stop taking all of it. I've never really felt like that before, and I think people who do that kind of thing are so stupid. But, it's working so well I feel like I can't FEEL right now. Not today, not yesterday. And I want to FEEL. Why, I have no idea, because it was the most miserable experience I could possibly go through... but I don't know, maybe I just want to feel it again to make sure it was really real. Does that make sense? Logically, if it took this much medication to make me feel "normal" (come on now, is this really a normal state of being anyway? I can't go out in public and I'm afraid of men, police sirens and want to duct tape down my chest.) then most likely I really am in a lot of pain.

I feel like I am making no sense. I want to cry. I want him to come home. I carry his shirt around with me all through my house. I think about him constantly. I miss him. Sometimes I feel a little angry and upset, how manipulative he was, how much he lied to me, how he lied to EVERYONE, how he must have laughed to his buddies about his girl on the side, he could just take advantage of me and I would just take it because I felt so sorry for him and his sob story. I'd just fall at his feet and believe every word he said.

But... I did those things and acted that way because I believed I was in a healthy, loving relationship with a man who loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and was just going through an unfortunately rough time in his life. I just needed to be supportive and hang in there until he got back on his feet and it was time for "us" again. And I think of how I loved him and how I had never been happier in any relationship or in any other time in my life. How secure and loved I felt when he was here and how much I was looking forward to our future and our plans together. How I loved how I saw myself in his eyes. what a wonderful, caring man who treasured me and would never hurt me.

And I feel lost again.

The Bishop and some Housekeeping

Housekeeping first:

Thank you guys for the emails and the comments. You don't know how much I depend on them, especially now that I have been almost completely cut off from support from my health insurance. It's basically the only feeedback I am getting unless I am able to call the two-three girlfriends that I am able to confide in at this point, but all three tend to be difficult to reach, so really I can't thank you guys enough for being here.

If you look over on the right hand side of this screen, per your requests I have added the "Follower" widget so if you push that button you can become a follower and add my blog to your feeds on Google or Blogger.

If you're trying to find the beginning of the story, I found out about everything on August 3rd and I think the posts begin August 4th. There is a link in the "About Me" section on the right hand side or in my profile.


The Bishop next:

For the last two weeks I have been calling the Bishop for my ward (remember I am not a member of this church, but had been told that that wouldn't matter and they would be happy to help and it was part of their calling to help other people in the community, not just members) and left two messages, both of which went unanswered. I was getting pretty upset about it. To review, I was calling the Bishop in order to get the required referral to counseling through LDS Family Services, and hopefully, to have the counseling done on a sliding scale or at a reduced cost or free because I really can't afford it, but obviously I need more help than what I am getting. (And they upped my medication again...) Well my friend who lives in Utah apparently got fed up and went through her Bishop to track down mine and talked to him on my behalf and got his home number!

I called him, left a message and got a call back tonight- FINALLY! I was so relieved to finally hear from someone. Finally, I can get help! I was so shaky on the phone, and really just choked up. After awhile on the phone I gave him a brief overview on what had happened and I really started to get upset on the phone, but I managed to hold it together and not totally cry so he could understand me still but I was still all chokey, do you know what I mean?

Anyway, after all that, you know what happened? He can't help me! He said I could come into his office for 5 or 10 minutes and he could write the referal to counseling but it was expensive and I mentioned I was worried about that and he said I could try to go through my insurance, but I can't because I have Kaiser, which has it's own psychiatry department- you can't get care outside of Kaiser unless it's an emergency and you accidentally get taken to the wrong hospital. I told him that and he said well maybe he could find an LDS therapist who worked for Kaiser... totally missed the boat there. The whole point of me coming to Family Services was because Kaiser can only see me once every 6-8 WEEKS. It doesn't matter who sees me... that isn't frequently enough for what I have going on. But I can't afford $112.50 for an assessment appt and $75 each appointment after that to see an LDS counselor. I can't even afford my monthly payments on my overall health insurance, let alone the $50 copayments every OTHER month. I don't have any scheduled income for this month to pay my rent for October. I am advertising like crazy, but I can't guarantee I will bring in that money and so I will probably be pulling it out of savings. But I need help. So what do I do?

Update for this week?

Oh, it's been a very special week. Three weddings this week. Sunday on a Iris Flower Farm, Tuesday on a pier on Lake Tahoe and Today/tomorrow (it's the middle of the night now- Saturday) at a B&B type place called Wine & Roses. I have been very emotional all week. Sunday the groom sang a song he wrote for his bride... Tuesday the bride cornered me and asked me what was going on and I burst into tears in the parking lot right after the ceremony I was doing so good right until she cornered me), now what's going to happen tomorrow?!

Tuesday on the way back from Tahoe I broke up the 2 hour drive with a trek into Old Navy to check out the clearance racks and when I came out a scruffy white kid in his 20's started to approach me in the parking lot, he was looking for work, yard work, something like that. The second he started to address me my start started racing and I panicked. It didn't matter what he was saying or who he was. He scared me to death. I literally ran the last few steps to my car, was terrified that the lock mechanism on my keychain was going to unlock all of the doors and he'd be able to get in on the passenger side- that is literally what I was thinking when I was pushing the button and I waited until the last second to push it because of that, so he wouldn't have time to try and get in, or to minimize that window of time. I shoved the key in the ignition and pealed out of the lot like I was in a horror movie or something. I was scared to death. And I cried HARD not because I was sad or something, but because I was SCARED. Absolutely terrified. And the intellecutal part of my brain was thinking, "What on EARTH are you doing?!" I knew it was nuts when I was doing it, but my whole body was in overdrive. I could not get away from him fast enough. I was so scared. I can't even describe that feeling. It was horrible. HORRIBLE.

I've basically been living on turkey and cheese wonderbread sandwiches (pretend "white" [it's really wheat] wonderbread, 50 cals a slice) shaved turkey breast, 2% american, light mayo, mustard) because everything else is too overwhelming... I am sort of realizing this as I am typing it but I have been sticking to really bland foods. I have a freezer full of lean cuisines that I like and I haven't touches any of them. They seem "yucky" when I look at them. I'd rather have half a wonderbread sandwich instead.

Anyway, I was out of turkey so I had to stop at the grocery store before I went home. I had driven the rest of the way slowly on city streets for about 20 minutes so I had calmed down a bit so I went in. Grocery shopping is one of my favorite activities and I find it calming and relaxing. What's not to like about buying food?

Some clean cut Phillipino frocery clerk came around the corner on the cereal aisle and surprised me, gave me a HUGE smile, grabbed my cart, gave it a hearty smack and asked me if I was finding everything alright. Totally friendly, nice guy I am sure. What did Emily do? I jumped straight up, backed against the cereal and it took every bone in my body to prevent myself from running out of the store and into the parking lot. And I didn't want to touch the cart.

Thursday I was standing in line to check in for the grad group for group therapy and I saw the reflection of a man in a football jersey walking into the building. I started to trigger, hyperventilate, something in the mirror, in his face made me think of Matt and I swirled around and it looked nothing like him but I was SO freaked out standing in line. I stood as far away from him as I possibly could, so far so that I basically wasn't even in line, and I started shaking. His phone went off at one point and I couldn't handle it and I ran/jogged out of there. I couldn't be there. I left. I went to the group and checked myself in at the front desk afterwards. I didn't get to talk in group this week so I couldn't tell anyone about this new weird thing with men and I don't understand it. It confuses me and scares me. After group I had to ride the elevator down (my foot is still broken from walking into that couch the weekend after I found out and I'm still wearing the boot so no stairs for me) and another man from the group got into the elevator with me. I stood there for just a moment and then I dashed out of there too and stood in the bathroom trying to breathe and not panic. Same thing happened in WalMart. Had a breakdown in the chip aisle. Totally overwhwlemed by the presence of men and the loud noises and children around.

And at the same time, going to bed, I laid and there and all I wanted and wished for was for Matt to be there, and to hold me and hug me and to just BE. For everything to be okay and for everything to go away be back how it was. I would give anything to be kept innocent. Why do I have to deal with all of this? Why couldn't I have just loved him, and missed him? But I also know, because of how strong my connection was to him, that if I hadn't know, I never would have let go and I would have waited forever for him, not knowing. I had no doubts. I felt nothing but peace and utter love for our relationship. Now, I am completely lost, befuddled, confused.

My NP (Nurse practitioner) upped my anti-anxiety meds by 50mgs but we have to be careful with the dosage because it has a sedating affect. My sleep schedule is all messed up again but I don't think it's because of the medication because I take the bigger dose of that medication at night...

My dad flies in for his 50th High School Reunion tomorrow, and he wants to see me on Sunday. Honestly, I even feel anxious about being around him. Please help me make it through all of the challenges of this weekend.

By Monday my house has translated from it's current disgusting Hoarders-esque state and made spotless and at a minimum decent enough for my mom with severe rheumatoid arthritus to stay here Monday and Tuesday. I am picking her up at the airport on Monday afternoon. I'm so nervous... I had so many things planned for us to do, I wanted to cook for her, but I am not up to it... I don't want to make her go out to eat because she's on a fixed income and I'm not really in a place to treat. What am I going to do? Offer her some kitty food? We have lots of THAT...

I want my Matty. I just want my Matty to come home. I want all of this stuff to go away. I don't want to deal with it anymore. The man I knew and loved would never have hurt me. He couldn't have done this to me. How could the man that was in that house, the man that stood somewhere with that woman and took vows and was changing diapers and taking the baby to the beach for the first time.... (their desktop background) how could that person be my Matty? That was the life I was supposed to have with him. That was the life I was planning with him. I feel like my life is over again.

Did you ever know someone that just ran away? That just picked up and moved somewhere for no rhyme or reason or plan? I want to just LEAVE and not be here any more. I don't want to be around all of these reminders of him and me and us. I don't want to leave my house... I am afraid to leave my house and yet being in my house is painful because of how much time we spent here. I want to just grab the cats, walk out to my car and leave. But how do you just pick up and leave with no plan or reason or support system?

Colorado always looks so pretty in my mind. Maybe Matty will leave my mind if I go there.

I lied to his wife.

I lied to his wife. That day I was over there. Why did I do that?

She asked me if it was still going on, and as if by reflex I instantly said "No." Then I said, "Well, it ended today."

But that wasn't true either. It was going on. We were together; we were a couple. We were arguing that morning, that was all. He wasn't breaking up with me. He was picking a fight and trying to get distance from me, but he was making a point to leave it open so he could come right back and pick things up again where he left them when he wanted to.

Why couldn't I just say that? I feel ashamed I didn't.

On the one hand, I wanted to protect her and it would hurt her more to know that. Also, when "caught," the first instinct is always to lie. Even though I had no part in this, I didn't know... My first impulse was to lie, and then, well, I guess she got some version of the truth. Our relationship did end that day. But it ended because I walked up to that door and rang the bell. Not because he and I ended our relationship. It ended because I caught him. He didn't end this relationship by choice.

She also asked me "What kind of texting" did we do. Which I didn't understand what she was asking at first, but when I realized the question immediately prior to this was whether Matt and I being in a long distance relationship meant we had been meeting up in hotel rooms (Um, NO.) then I realized she was asking if we had done suggestive, flirty texting. My response to that was, "You know, the regular kind of texting, "Hi ,How are you, I miss you, I love you, when are you coming down to visit?" But after I left I realized that wasn't 100% honest either. We were in love. We made out like animals, from day 1. We were crazy about each other. Every time Matt was around me, he basically gave me a little "salute" every time he saw me. (You know what I mean! I didn't know about this for a LONG time, but this spring he actually mentioned it to me as a complaint and then I thought it was pretty funny and started asking him about it.) I'd open the front door and Voila. We go to Starbucks and Voila. We walk home and he holds my hand and Voila. Anyway, yes, our texting was flirty and suggestive too. So I lied there too.

And I feel guilty and I feel like I have to confess. A few posts ago I mentioned some things I said I felt like I had this drive to tell his wife, and these were a couple things in that list. (There are much bigger more serious things on it though.) That urge is not an urge anymore, but these thoughts still pop into my head and bother me though.

Something else that bothers me? When Matt contacted me through Yahoo Personals, he had a paid account, right? I had a free account. When you have a free account, you can send automated messages through the service but you can't send another user your contact info unless you pay for your subscription. So, the people that use the service alot and have learned the ropes know that if they message someone who sends an automated wink back or something back a couple of times and no personal messages... they probably don't have a paying account. The person with the paying account, if they are clever, and have probably seen this done a few times, will then try to sneak their email address practically in code into their email. If the screeners for Yahoo see an email address they will block it out, so you have to hide it so they don't catch it.

Matt did that almost right away. I was thinking about that earlier today or yesterday. In order to know to do that... He would have had to have had experience on the website. He might have met his wife on there, who knows, so I shouldn't jump to conclusions, but if they met at least five years ago, and he and I started communicating in January/February 2009.... I think it's likely Yahoo has changed quite a bit from back then to now. That bothered me too. But I don't know.

How could the person I let into my life, into my home and family, who I trusted more than anyone else on this planet... the person I trusted with my most precious posession, my heart, have become this person? All of that love I felt and feel. I don't understand. He's the person I want to go to for comfort, ironically... when I feel alone and scared... I picture him standing here in my living room and he hugs me and I just bury my face into his chest and I am just enveloped by him. I never felt so protected or so safe as I did when I was there. A hug and a deep breath and he could calm all of my fears.

Was it all an act? I wish I could know if he loved me. If he cared about me at all. My feelings come in waves... many days where I feel secure in his love for me, and now, where I stand on shaky ground and feel so manipulated. Like it was a big game. I was a toy. But that is so difficult to believe that I just can't.

Meet Me On Monday

1. Do you wear socks to bed?

NEVER! I think this is gross! My feet need to touch the sheets. It is all smooth and socks are all sweaty and... chunky!



2. Do you have any pets?

Amelia the cat is 4 and I adopted her from the Currituck County Animal Lover's Shelter in North Carolina after I spotted her on Pet Finder after my beloved cat Mary died at 17 years old in the Pet Food Recall. Amelia flew out on American Airlines through Chicago, changed planes and I picked her up at John Wayne/Orange County California Airport that night! She was around a year old when I got her. She looked just like my baby Mary which is why I fell in love with her. It took about 6 weeks to do her adoption.

She's uh... plumped up a bit since she got adopted. She's my widdle "plumpkin." Believe it or not she and Toulouse only differ by a few ounces in weight.

Toulouse is my youngest kitty (he turned 3 in March), and he is pure trouble. He came from Friends of Orange County Homeless Pets Rescue (but seriously it looked more like a hoarding situation and was really gross and nasty). I actually adopted him the same day I picked Amelia up at the airport! Although they said he was 8 weeks old, he looked more like 6 weeks old to me and I diluted his food down with kitten milk. Tootie thinks he is a dog and is very into "inter-species relationships" and embraces all animals. He loves dogs and loves to go to PetSmart and walk around on his sporty green leash. He likes to visit the birds, (he got licked by a parrot at Christmas) chat it up with the dogs, (got licked by a collie last week), and mostly ignores the fish (although he did shimmey on his belly in front of the fish tanks once with his chin flat on the floor.... HILARIOUS). We also went on our first trip to the Small-Dog (25 pounds and under) park a few weeks ago but it was too hot. He knows how to "sit" and beg, and if I don't do all of these activities with him he is basically a big pain in the butt and spends all of his time trying to figure out how to escape my house. He has knocked the sliding screen down off track and slipped out at least once that way and has busted his way out of my bedroom window screen 3-4 times now, to the point I can't leave the window open unattended- even with the perfectly fine window screen intact. He knows how to lean on it and pull it out of the frame so he can get out and play. (!!!) Or I can just exhaust him with doggie play dates and he spends his time at home napping...

With his closest doggie friend Ipsa (Toot was the one in control here, don't be mistaken. He's holding HER leash. )





At Petsmart/The"zoo"







Tootie also went to 3rd grade for show and tell once. He was a little TOO comfortable and walked all over everyone's art projects on their desks, including the teacher's.







We had a fish up until a week ago Saturday named Marlin but he died. I don't know why I am saying "we" when it is just me now. I had such a hard day today. I cried all the way home from work. I felt anxious all day. I managed to not cry at the wedding but it was so hard. So, so hard. It's not fair.



3. What topping(s) do you like on your pizza?

Bell peppers, onions, tomatos and pineapple!



4. What time do you go to bed?

Usually in the middle of the night, 2-3-4-5-am... I aim to go to bed at 10pm. Doesn't usually work out very well. I am usually up late upset, reading self help books, crying, the usual. :(



5. Would you rather get free chocolate for one year or free potatoes forever?

I love potatos.... I love chocolate... I'm torn. I'll go with the potatos.

Angry.

But not for the reason you think.

Once again, I got attacked by one of my "friends" because I still have pictures of Matt and I together on Facebook. She said, and I quote, that it was "sick."

I told her if she couldn't refrain from being rude or nasty when speaking then she needed to not say anything at all. She didn't answer; didn't acknowledge it.

I don't care about the context or how she "meant" it to be intrepreted. She essentially called me sick. She knows better. She is a divorced adult with adult children. She knows better. And she called me and my choices sick. What is wrong with her? I think that is just mean! I object to people saying anything at all, but if she was going to butt in, that was a totally inappropriate way to do it. And ineffective I might add. It makes me want to tattoo that picture on my forehead and stand on her front porch so she can stare at it or something! Do you know what I mean? When I take it down I want to do it because *I* am ready and because *I* chose to! Not because someone dictaited orders to me.

I am mad and I keep getting more upset about it. It happened last night.

Yesterday afternoon I played with the idea of taking down the pictures, or at least changing my profile picture. MOST of the people in my life have no idea what happened. MOST people don't even know anything happened at all and think we are still together. The people that matter know, and that's really all that matters anyway... it's not really any one else's business. I wouldn't typically say something like that, I am really open. But given these particular circumstances, I don't want it known to everyone I know in the real world. It's humilating, and again, I can't deal with questions right now. The questions and comments of the important people in my life have been awful enough. Being ignored entirely by people I thought were my closest friends is equally bad.

I love him, I miss him and I feel like a part of me died too. I lost yet another part of my innocence by now becoming more skeptical and less trusting of people in the future. Of now becoming frightened and further intimidated by men... things won't be the same for me. I will have to carry this on my heart for a long time. It will always be there but I pray the burden will be lightened over time. I hope. Right now the constant pressure in my chest from the anxiety and upset and constant verge of hysteria is exhausting and horrible. I want it to go away and stop. And then I hear a siren or a loud noise that doesn't stop and I am triggered and there I am in that house again and not able to escape and scared out of my mind.

I HATE this. I can't tell you how much I hate this. I say that with tears runnning down my face and an exhausted body falling out of this chair; afraid to go to bed, and not able to do anything during the day because I am so paralyzed of what might happen if I do something. If I'm triggered. Or worse, my real fear. That I will see them. Or him. I saw three CHP patrol cars on the freeway on Thursday and I about smashed into the center divider each time I saw them. Luckily I was in stop and go traffic so I was pretty well protected. I feel afraid all the time. I don't know where he works.. So I don't know how to avoid him. I feel like I can't protect myself and I also feel like I can't trust myself or make my own decisions... I feel incompetent.

I am afraid of that man, that husband, that man in uniform. But I cry for my Matty to come home and for everything to go back to normal. I want to be loved, I want to be in love again and feel protected and secure and happy in that relationship that was so at peace and delighted to be in.

Why do I have to deal with this?

Driving to my appointment to check up on my medications with the NP I started freaking out, crying and talking loudly, not quite yelling, at myself in the car. WHY did this happen to me? WHY do I have to deal with this? WHY ME? Why did he pick me? Why do I have to do this? I don't want to DEAL with this! It isn't fair. I don't want to deal with this. Why can't I just have a normal break up like everybody else?! Why did yet another bad thing happen to me? Why did this happen to me?! WHY?!

The NP blocked off a big chunk of time to talk to me which is really unusual. I think the most amount of time I have ever had with her was 20 minutes and I am pretty sure this went over an hour. She said that when someone goes through IOP the entire psychiatry department works as a team to coordinate and moniter my care, because, essentially, I am considered high risk. I can't really disagree with her on that.

She had read all of the notes in my file and knew everything that had happened so I could talk about it without actually having to tell the story which was a huge relief. She talked to me about PTSD- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which no one had actually talked to me about yet. In fact, no one has ever told me what I was ever diagnosed with so I really don't know. I will see the therapist in another week and I will try and ask her then. I myself had wondered about PTSD because I have flashbacks and panic attacks and of course the constant anxiety, but I'm not a medical health professional so I am obviously not qualified to diagnose myself.

She also told me that part of my "fogginess" may be attributed to the fact I've struggled with eating and drinking. She said both low blood sugar and dehydration can cause that slowness in thought so I needed to try harder to regulate my blood sugar and intake more water so I don't become hypoglycemic. This woman is extremely hyperactive but she is so knowledgeable. She pins things down before you even finish explaining the situation. (Practically).

Didn't say this before but I did call the Bishop for the LDS church to ask for a referral for counseling and apparently he might be able to adjust the cost to something I can afford. I called on Wednesday and left a message but no one has called me yet so I am still waiting.

I took a bath today for the first time today in over a week. It was VERY difficult to get out the tangles in my hair. I curled and hairsprayed my hair for that wedding last week and it apparently turned into a big rat's nest. I literally pulled out chunks of my hair... My hair also falls out when I am stressed so I guess I will be bald soon. I had to put so much conditioner in my hair to get out the knots that now it feels super greasy... sigh... I am going to have to wash it before my next wedding tomorrow. :(

I have weddings on Sunday, Tuesday and Saturday. Then my Dad comes in for his 50th HS reunion and then my mom comes to visit during the week... she's staying here so I have to clean my house. Can you imagine what my house looks like at this point? I look like a candidate for "Hoarders" I don't know how I am ever going to make it through the next week.

I'm tired. Confused. Lonely. Lost.

Sigh.

When I started eating again I gained just under 2 pounds right away so I stopped weighing myself so much, but I started struggling again with eating earlier this week so I stepped on the scale today- I thought it would still be up. I was 175 at the lowest and bounced up to 176.8 as soon as I started eating better. But when I checked my weight it was only 174.8. On the one hand it pleases me and on the other hand it's a problem. If I worry about it, I feel silly because I'm overweight, and if I feel pleased I feel guilty because it's not healthy. (Throws up hands.)

The Good Girl.

In one of these posts, or maybe I just thought it... if Matt was just looking for a hook up or a "good time" why didn't he just hop on Craig's List or one of those websites for people who want that? There are a million people who could care less about whether you are married or not, or are married themselves and are looking for relationships like that. Why did he persue something with me?

I was saying this in the graduation group (group therapy) for IOP today and the guy in group (whom, coincidentally I typically find very annoying generally speaking) said, "Well that's because he didn't want that. He wanted 'the good girl.' The 'girl next door.' He wanted someone like you."

He wanted the good girl... I went on my first date when I was 21 years old. When I told Matt that, he said, you really were a good girl, weren't you?

It's funny the guy in group said that...

The lady who made that comment in group a few weeks ago, "You didn't know he had a wife and baby?" and sounded all skeptical and judgemental? Well she was in group today. Great. I slunk down in my chair when I saw her. She said a couple other things today that bugged me too. Like I said that this relationship was not based on physical stuff, it was emotionally based and she was like, "Well maybe for YOU but for him it was ALL about ---" I wanted to sock her in the nose. OBVIOUSLY it was not about that.

She did say something poignant though, believe it or not. She interupted me and the therapist, as she often does, but, she said something that I hadn't verbalized to ANYONE. I have barely even acknowledge it to myself. She asked me if I felt like a rape victim.

I do. I feel dirty. I want to scrub every part of my body he ever touched with sandpaper and soap and scrub it off my body and make it go away. My hands, my arms, my face, everything. Sometimes I long for him to be here; most of the time I feel this way, but in these moments when I am really checked in to what he did... I feel disgusting and disgusted that I was ever so close to him. I want to scrape my skin off. I think it's why the thought of being alone in a room with a man makes me so upset right now. Or even being around men in public. I think that's why.

I was also attacked as a pre-teen. Matt also knew about that... I didn't share that in group though. He knew that right from the beginning. He knew I had problems with depression, had been assaulted, and a pretty sad relationship history and was really just "looking for love." And he persued me anyway.

Anyway, I told the group that I didn't want to diminish what it feels like for an actual rape victim by comparing my feelings to that but she went on to say that I had been emotionally raped and the level of violation and fraud here justified those feelings, as they also justified the feelings of grief. All of it is really hard for me to accept. I have to keep hearing it. That it is ok for me to feel sad... that what he did was not okay... I have to keep hearing it.

I guess that woman isn't completely useless after all. Of course it was right after that that she made that other comment.

I spent a lot of time staring into space during group, so much so that the leader even commented on it and loud mouth lady asked me if I was okay. At the end when they asked us what we learned I said I felt like a Commadore 64 trying to boot up, all foggy, and I wasn't sure. The therapist took a lot of notes over that.

I sat in the bathroom hiding for awhile afterwards, as long as I could, right up until I got busted by another woman who recognized my feet because of my boot- my right foot is broken and I have to wear my gimpy boot all day. She asked if I was in there and if I was okay so I had to come out. She gave me a little pep talk while I cried and washed my hands and she kept saying something... I can't remember now. That what he did was horrible... Oh, and that he did it on purpose. That he used his job, the knowledge that he had gained from working in law enforcement to victimize someone who was vulnerable. That he picked up and played into what he knew would be attractive qualities and traits to me, experienced things I could relate to (like him being depressed, I related so I would defend and protect him to the end about that), and manipulated my experiences and background to get... whatever he wanted out of it. I can't quite remember how she said it but it sounds much harsher as I am typing it here and I don't like how it sounds typed out like this. I don't feel comfortable with how it sounds, it makes him sound like a sociopath, and I am certainly not in any position to support that diagnosis. NO WAY. Even if he is I am not ready to hear that or admit that right now.

The thing that stuck with me out of what she said though, was that he did it on purpose. He did it intentionally. He did all of it intentionally. I thought about that a lot of the afternoon and I ended up going to a pet santuary because I felt so stressed and petted orphaned kitties for an hour or so.

Her saying that probably made the first connection for me between the man I loved and the man who did this. It is a shaky connection, but it is the first connection I have had in trying to reconcile that these two completely different people really are the same person.

People in group were also really pressuring me to "take back my power." Whatever that means. In the book I am reading it says that if the liar goes without consequences that the liar never realizes the depth of his actions and never learns and continues doing what he is doing. That his whole goal is to return to the status quo and will do whatever he needs to to make that happen. So beg people for forgiveness, promise never to do it again, negociate, etc. Few days or weeks, it blows over, and he can go back to how things were. I already have the feeling that things have returned mostly to normal at home for him... that they returned to normal very quickly. If that is indeed the case... then what prevents this from happening again? In my heart and soul, I can't believe the man I love did this to me, let alone that he would do this to someone else, but at some point I will have to accept what happened... and then what?

The therapist and the people in group said I should consult an attorney. I don't want to hurt his family. They have already been hurt. But as it was told to me, by standing by him, and supporting him, they are also choosing to accept the consequences of his actions as they come. And this would be part of that. I don't know. Again, I want to do the right thing. When the therapist talked today about just how appauling the whole situation was , I heard it through someone else's ears for the first time. And letting it go doesn't seem right. But I still feel really confused and drowning in my feelings... I'm starting to feel a little betrayed today. My heart hurts.

I have a dream...

First off, I would like for all of you to just drop what you are doing, yes, even reading this blog... NO WAIT! Don't go yet. :) Wait for instructions. I have spent the last two days buried in Photoshop trying to come up with a way to simplfy my work blog. It took me a long, long time to come up with what I had and I was really happy with what I had, but it just has felt so cluttered and all over the place to me. So, two days in PS, 50 ideas later, and probably an actual 10 minutes coming up with this, my work blog has a new design! Or a new topper anyway and a new background color. So click on the link and tell me how it looks? Thanks. I am pretty proud. I think it looks really pretty! Very grown up.

http://www.eheizerphotography.com/

Now that that is all out of the way let's get down to business. I feel like a steaming pile of baby poo. I don't know what you are talking about me coming so far... I feel like an ostrich who just keeps getting scared and sticking her head back in the sand and hiding and waiting for it to be all over.

Next visualization... Cartoon deer, with giant antlers, tucked into bed with the sheets pulled up tight to his chin, quivering with his little hooves just barely peeking out over the top and this poor deer's eyes... the deer in headlight's look, staring at the ceiling, bug eyed, darting back and forth from one side of the ceiling to the other like you're reading a book... except you're staring at empty white space.

That was me last night. I was reading one of the books I got to try and help myself at home (This one is called When your Lover Lies or something) and there was a line in there about how your partner/the liar already had everything he wanted, he was getting everything he wanted and set up this arrangement to his liking and controlled it. I read that and dropped the book on the bed, got into the above "deer mode" and realized.... A year ago June Matt told me his father had had a debilitating stroke, and a bad reaction to one of the medications administered to him during initial treatment and was in the hospital for weeks. He told me when he initially went in to see his dad in the hospital that his dad did not recognize him. For weeks Matt struggled with what to do and ultimately made the difficult decision to rent out his house to another officer and move in with his parents to help take care of his dad for the time being.

But none of that actually happened. He made ALL of it up. ALL of it.

Most bothersome to me last night was that he had never left. That's what I kept thinking. He never left. He was here the whole time. Probably commuting to work at his regular office... in all liklihood I probably passed him in his squad car on the freeway during that time... Calling him from our favorite BBQ place around the corner from his "old" office and having a chicken sandwich in his honor, at his request... he may very well have been literally around the corner at that office writing reports. (And laughing to himself?) He was here the whole time. THE WHOLE TIME?
The last fourteen months or so I thought he was living two hours away when he was really just 15 minutes down the freeway. When he told me he was going to get up really early, at 5 or 6am to get to my house at 7 or 8am, I felt so touched that he would do that for me... but really he was just rolling out of bed and was here in a matter of minutes... Probably waiting for her to leave for work before he could leave...
I sent him home with two cold cokes "for the drive home" once... 15 minutes away. All that time. I was writing him love letters and missing him and worrying for his safety... he was here the whole time. He was right here. Saying her couldn't get a signal out to call me or that he didn't receive my calls and alot of my texts didn't go through because of the remote area he was in... All lies. He was here the whole time. His phone was working just fine. He was just ignoring me. He purposely ignored me and made excuses so he could string me along... Oh... that.. I am just thinking of this as I type it and my skin is going cold to think of that. What a horrible thing to do to a person. What a horrible thing to do to ME. And he THANKED me for keeping up with the calls and texts, that is gave me hope and faith and he knew I believed in him... I don't know what to say or think now...
But back to this revelation... He never left? How could be blatantly lie to me like that? How do you take advantage of someone's sympathies like that? How do you fake grief? Why would you? What was he getting out of this?

He was here... the whole time. That whole year we were long distance and I was working so hard to make it work... we broke up/separated for awhile because he wasn't putting enough effort into it... His visits were so short in the bigger perspective, a few hours, a day... so spaced out because of the expense and his family obligations... but that wasn't true either... he was right here. Je never left.
He was RIGHT here?