First off, I would like for all of you to just drop what you are doing, yes, even reading this blog... NO WAIT! Don't go yet. :) Wait for instructions. I have spent the last two days buried in Photoshop trying to come up with a way to simplfy my work blog. It took me a long, long time to come up with what I had and I was really happy with what I had, but it just has felt so cluttered and all over the place to me. So, two days in PS, 50 ideas later, and probably an actual 10 minutes coming up with this, my work blog has a new design! Or a new topper anyway and a new background color. So click on the link and tell me how it looks? Thanks. I am pretty proud. I think it looks really pretty! Very grown up.
http://www.eheizerphotography.com/
Now that that is all out of the way let's get down to business. I feel like a steaming pile of baby poo. I don't know what you are talking about me coming so far... I feel like an ostrich who just keeps getting scared and sticking her head back in the sand and hiding and waiting for it to be all over.
Next visualization... Cartoon deer, with giant antlers, tucked into bed with the sheets pulled up tight to his chin, quivering with his little hooves just barely peeking out over the top and this poor deer's eyes... the deer in headlight's look, staring at the ceiling, bug eyed, darting back and forth from one side of the ceiling to the other like you're reading a book... except you're staring at empty white space.
That was me last night. I was reading one of the books I got to try and help myself at home (This one is called When your Lover Lies or something) and there was a line in there about how your partner/the liar already had everything he wanted, he was getting everything he wanted and set up this arrangement to his liking and controlled it. I read that and dropped the book on the bed, got into the above "deer mode" and realized.... A year ago June Matt told me his father had had a debilitating stroke, and a bad reaction to one of the medications administered to him during initial treatment and was in the hospital for weeks. He told me when he initially went in to see his dad in the hospital that his dad did not recognize him. For weeks Matt struggled with what to do and ultimately made the difficult decision to rent out his house to another officer and move in with his parents to help take care of his dad for the time being.
http://www.eheizerphotography.com/
Now that that is all out of the way let's get down to business. I feel like a steaming pile of baby poo. I don't know what you are talking about me coming so far... I feel like an ostrich who just keeps getting scared and sticking her head back in the sand and hiding and waiting for it to be all over.
Next visualization... Cartoon deer, with giant antlers, tucked into bed with the sheets pulled up tight to his chin, quivering with his little hooves just barely peeking out over the top and this poor deer's eyes... the deer in headlight's look, staring at the ceiling, bug eyed, darting back and forth from one side of the ceiling to the other like you're reading a book... except you're staring at empty white space.
That was me last night. I was reading one of the books I got to try and help myself at home (This one is called When your Lover Lies or something) and there was a line in there about how your partner/the liar already had everything he wanted, he was getting everything he wanted and set up this arrangement to his liking and controlled it. I read that and dropped the book on the bed, got into the above "deer mode" and realized.... A year ago June Matt told me his father had had a debilitating stroke, and a bad reaction to one of the medications administered to him during initial treatment and was in the hospital for weeks. He told me when he initially went in to see his dad in the hospital that his dad did not recognize him. For weeks Matt struggled with what to do and ultimately made the difficult decision to rent out his house to another officer and move in with his parents to help take care of his dad for the time being.
Most bothersome to me last night was that he had never left. That's what I kept thinking. He never left. He was here the whole time. Probably commuting to work at his regular office... in all liklihood I probably passed him in his squad car on the freeway during that time... Calling him from our favorite BBQ place around the corner from his "old" office and having a chicken sandwich in his honor, at his request... he may very well have been literally around the corner at that office writing reports. (And laughing to himself?) He was here the whole time. THE WHOLE TIME?
The last fourteen months or so I thought he was living two hours away when he was really just 15 minutes down the freeway. When he told me he was going to get up really early, at 5 or 6am to get to my house at 7 or 8am, I felt so touched that he would do that for me... but really he was just rolling out of bed and was here in a matter of minutes... Probably waiting for her to leave for work before he could leave...
I sent him home with two cold cokes "for the drive home" once... 15 minutes away. All that time. I was writing him love letters and missing him and worrying for his safety... he was here the whole time. He was right here. Saying her couldn't get a signal out to call me or that he didn't receive my calls and alot of my texts didn't go through because of the remote area he was in... All lies. He was here the whole time. His phone was working just fine. He was just ignoring me. He purposely ignored me and made excuses so he could string me along... Oh... that.. I am just thinking of this as I type it and my skin is going cold to think of that. What a horrible thing to do to a person. What a horrible thing to do to ME. And he THANKED me for keeping up with the calls and texts, that is gave me hope and faith and he knew I believed in him... I don't know what to say or think now...
But back to this revelation... He never left? How could be blatantly lie to me like that? How do you take advantage of someone's sympathies like that? How do you fake grief? Why would you? What was he getting out of this?
He was here... the whole time. That whole year we were long distance and I was working so hard to make it work... we broke up/separated for awhile because he wasn't putting enough effort into it... His visits were so short in the bigger perspective, a few hours, a day... so spaced out because of the expense and his family obligations... but that wasn't true either... he was right here. Je never left.
He was RIGHT here?
4 comments:
Thanks so much for stopping by and for the sweet comments on my dogs! :)
I can't fathom how he could have made up such lies about his own father... but the fact that he did tells me that he was either extremely unhappy in his own life, or he is just a compulsive liar. Maybe both. His lies were too in depth... it's as if he was trying to reinvent his life.
I think he's a dirt-bag for what he did to you, but like I said in my earlier comment, it's not so cut and dry/black and white. There are shades of gray going on here. Maybe he's a Jekyll and Hyde or maybe he was just going through something that none of us can understand. NOT MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM. Just saying that sometimes even good people do bad things.
I'm just sorry that you got caught up in his issues. It's not fair to you, that's for sure. It'll take you time to come to terms with it all, and it'll take time for you to trust anyone again. It's okay to take time. You have to focus on YOU.. and if that means staring at the ceiling, then that's what you have to do. It's obvious you're not just running from it because you are talking about it, and talking about it means you are thinking about it; and thinking about it means you are trying to deal with it and come to terms with it. This is all GOOD! Keep talking about it. Even if what you're saying doesn't make sense to you or anyone else, keep talking about it. That's the best therapy I've ever had... especially when you're feeling shame over something you shouldn't.
I really like the look of your header for you website! It looks great!! I'm proud that you got it done!!! Yeah keep up the hard work!!
So this is why I think you have come so far- You are writing about it and by doing so you are processing it. For some people, it would take forever to just write something like this down. I think that is huge and I am very proud of you for it.
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