The dough that doesn't rise.

This is me.



I am bread dough.



But I am jacked up bread dough.



Because I don't rise.



I just get blobbier.

A sticky, blobby, blubbery mess of goop that never rises or grows and just gets messier every day.

That is what I have turned in to. That's what I feel like every day...

*

I weighed myself again. I lost some more. Not too much. So, I guess that is okay.

Still on the wonderbread diet. Amazing, all these weeks later and turkey sandwiches on wonderbread just really doesn't get old. How is that possible?

Practical advice time:

I am having trouble filling out the Kaiser paperwork... I have to call and ask them questions. This is difficult because all I want to do is go back to bed and sleep and cry. So is it worth the effort of filling it out? Probably, but it is going to take me awhile to get it filled out. I need to present bank statements and show how much I have paid out of pocket to my HMO in the last year. How exactly to do that I have no idea...

Anyway the question is do I go to my groups this week? It will cost me $50 to go to both... One is an anxiety class, that is Thursday, and the other is a support group for depression, that is Friday. I honestly feel completely incapable of making descions. I was going to email my therapist since she runs the second group and knows about my money problem, but they don't usually tell you what to do... I have been much, much weepier this week than I have been since I don't know when. I just think of him all day long. Hold his shirt. Cry. Miss him. Want it to all go away. Go to sleep... Wonder what the point is in doing anything at all anyway...

Not that I am anticipating this as being an issue any time soon, especially since I am flirting with agoraphobia (where you're afraid of leaving the house), but I still want something prepared, so I can have a long time to think about it and be prepared. What if somebody asks me out or tries to set me up? I don't know what to say. A man approached me at a wedding the weekend before last and was trying to talk to me about my camera and I was super panicky. There wasn't anything wrong with him; he was nicely dressed, attractive, there alone, but he scared the crap out of me and I didn't know how to get away from him. Under ordinary circumstances I would just chit chat, mention my sweetheart at home, flash my ring, and move along. This time I felt trapped. Since most of my friends still think Matt and I are together (as far as I know anyway... I haven't said anything to them) I don't anticipate it being an issue immediately but I want to be prepared. What do I say or do?

I almost cried in the line at Walmart yesterday. Some middle aged guy tried to stand super close next to me when I was putting my stuff on the conveyor and I asked him to move away and he wouldn't. I actually picked up the cart and pushed it inbetween us to get him to move away from me and he wouldn't. I was pinned against the check out thing and between my cart and people were staring and the guy was some kind of Eastern European and I couldn't understand what he was saying and I started getting so upset and everybody was staring.... Finally the checker realized that the guy had been at the counter before trying to buy something else earlier and had had an issue and that's why he was up so close. I don't know why he didn't just go up to the checker and why he was standing next to my hip like that and touching me but it scared me and startled and upset me. I think the language thing was the primary problem. The checker apologized... I really don't want to feel this way or to experience this stuff. I don't want to go in public and be afraid. I don't want to be upset all the time! I don't want to cry because some guy stands too close to me in line at WalMart.

What happened to me?