Emily's terrible, no good, very bad day.

First, for anybody that missed it, or has any questions or comments regarding pictures, please read the comments from my last post. I seriously can't handle any more discussion on that front because it is too upsetting.



Today was a really terrible, no good very bad day... someone just reminded me of that book and well, it's currently the theme of my life so why not make it a blog title?



I had some serious mental breakdowns in the last 24 hours regarding my fianances and trying to get help for myself. I realized I'm paying right around $500 out of pocket in co-pays, fees, etc for Kaiser this month ALONE. Did I mention that (despite the fanciness of my work blog and being published and all) I haven't had income in months and I am living on my savings? So every penny that I am paying out trying to help myself dig out of this pit of hell is really just digging me deeper in, because once I run out of money, where am I supposed to go? A cardboard box? What am I supposed to do, be the bag lady with a couple of cats loitering around the target parking lot?



Anyway, I engaged in several hysterical crying phone calls, which decrased in hysteria with each following call I made, but still. I don't know how I'm supposed to pay for all of this. They have me in all of these classes and support groups and I have to go in and see the N.P. and have my medication monitored, all of which costs a crapload of money. I finally found private counseling! Oh yeah! Great, right? With an intern! So it's cheap, right? Nope! $40 a session! That's only $10 less than Kaiser, and when I realized on Thursday afternoon just how much money I had paid in copays this week alone (over $100) I instantly wanted to cancel that therapy appointment that I have tried for so many weeks to get- But on, no! They have a required 24 hours cancelation policy so I couldn't cancel it! So there's another $40! I burst into tears as soon as I got in her office but she didn't offer me any concessions. My mom (who is a therapist) made the comment that when she was an intern (which wasn't all that long ago mind you) that she didn't get paid at all, so this intern who had told me she gets less than half of what I pay her... well, is that my problem?! But now what am I supposed to do?



I had another meltdown in the depression group I went to today about it as well. I tried to find the leader to talk to her about this before I paid to see if she thought I should stay or not and I couldn't find her and I didn't know what to do so I went down and paid- well I guess I forgot my credit card because all I had was my debit. I charge EVERYTHING. I charge it so I can juggle it for a few months, and because I need to reserve every penny of cash I have for things I have to pay in cash- like rent. And I had to pay for the freaking class in cash.




Then when I got back up to the room there were a bunch of men in there. I don't know if I have mentioned this already on the blog but I have been having major issues being around men- being around any man in general is triggering anxiety and panic attacks. The second I got back in the room and realized there were men in there I wanted to run back out screaming.



I don't know what I am supposed to do with myself.


The positive thing about group though was that instead of talking about my big issues, I talked about this money thing, and somebody told me Kaiser has special programs for people in financial crisis. I went to member services after the meeting and first stated to the rep how embarrassed I was to be there, said I needed help, and promptly then burst into tears becoming instantly incomprehendable. The person got the gist and got me the paperwork. They said it was okay and everything would be okay and it wasn't a big deal to ask for help and I just needed to get some paperwork together to verify I don't have any income coming in and to mark all of the papers as urgent and get it in the mail as quickly as possible. So I have the papers, but when I read through the directions myself there are a few more things I need and some things I'm not sure how to fill out or answer.





(Like, I'm supposed to total the amount I have paid out of pocket to Kaiser in the last year. But my credit card, being retarded, only lets you search statements from the last 90 days, so how the freak am I supposed to comb through all these statements and tally it up, and how am I supposed to tell the different between a copay and me buying chapstick in the pharmacy?)





I feel really overwhelmed. This is good, but I am so incredibly overwhelmed and I feel like I don't know if I can do it. I know I have to, but it's just so much.





And now the real reason why I sat down to write tonight and the only thing I intended on sharing with you all when I started typing:





All day, all evening, all I am thinking about, dreaming, day dreaming, fantasizing about... I miss him. I just miss him. I miss how he smells. How he laughs and teased me. How he hugged me and cuddled into the side of my face. I miss wrestling and playing with him. I miss holding his hand. I miss his arms around me. He used to spend so much time just looking at me in the face, looking me in the eye. Just happy. We'd just look at each other. We were so happy. I loved him so much. I love him so much. I miss how he would hug me and pull me into the middle of his chest and I would feel so small and so protected with him there. I miss standing on tip toe to kiss him. I miss hearing him tell me how much he loved me.





I just miss him. I would give anything if I could just have my life back; if my Matty could come home to me and none of this had ever happened or had ever been true. If he had just been the person he said he was, the person he always was with me, and the man I loved so much and admired with every part of my being.

I miss him, and I love him so much.