Financial Freedom

Source: https://www.etsy.com/listing/62656464/unless-life-also-hands-you-water-and?ga_search_query=lemonade

My finances have been incredibly stressful lately. I'm not really sure what's going on, but business has plummeted. I'm just not receiving the volume of inquiries I used to. It's gone on for so long that I've depleted my savings and gotten myself into real trouble. I always pay off my credit cards every month and I've had to dial back in order to conserve the limited funds I had left. I was looking at a savings account balance of only $1500 total and I was going to be in real trouble. I moved some things around, took some penalties and reserved some savings, but I really didn't have much left.

I also made some big sacrifices and changes.

My biggest regret is not recognizing how much of a difference those changes would make and that I could have made them sooner and made my savings last a whole lot longer.

I've recognized a few bad habits in myself that really suck up my finances:

Wasteful grocery spending
Fast food expenditures
Take out
Online shopping

This accounted for HUGE charges every month. Like dramatic charges. I don't have exact numbers for you but it was A LOT. In the hundreds, at least.

I completely banned all online shopping period, all fast food, all take out, all unnecessary driving, and strategically planned my trips to the grocery store to coincide when I would be in that area. I had hoped to get my grocery bill down to $25 a month. (From like, I'm sure $300+ or something insane. I have absolutely no idea. I just bought whatever.)

How on earth could I do that?

Well, first of all, I started eating all that expired food out of my freezer. That was #1.

#2, I stopped shopping at the grocery store. I switched entirely to Grocery Outlet, which is much, MUCH cheaper, and I'm shopping on a $25 budget, which I actually stuck to. I didn't make it a month, I made it about 2 weeks, but when I went back to the store, I shopped with $11 in cash I had found somewhere and only spent that on milk and fruit to tide me over.

I think I'm going to come in somewhere around $100 (possibly under) or something on groceries for the month, which, granted is not $25, but it's better than $300. And I have virtually eliminated all other expenditures which has been a huge help. That also included cat litter, cat food, and some medications. (And chocolate. I cracked.)

I'm still working on my credit cards, which is a problem since I don't have much coming in and am not re-cooping my savings and I'm going to have a huge tax bill. I feel like other people look at my savings accounts and think- oh, that's plenty of money. But you have to remember- I DONT GET A PAYCHECK. I have no idea when the next time I will get paid is! It's not like I can wait 2 weeks and I'll get another check. Even if a client is under contact and "supposed" to pay me on such and such date- there's no guarantee that will really happen. Couples break up, they cancel dates. Nothing is real until that check clears.  And then, that money goes in savings, straight away. I really need $10k+ in savings to be able to sleep at night. Because that's enough money to go 3 months without receiving any income at all and be totally okay, and in my industry, that's pretty much the norm. I booked a wedding last month, and I booked one in December. That's it. That's all I've done in the last 3 months. And the one I booked last month hasn't paid yet, she's on a payment plan. It's INCREDIBLY stressful.

As a sole proprietor, my dad and I figured out I get taxed at almost 40%. WTF?!

Having $1500, or $3k in the bank means I have one month until I live in a cardboard box. I can't o that!!!! I have to have WAY more than that in the bank to be safe! I can't even RISK it getting down that low! Right now, my tax bill alone far exceeds those amounts, so between that and my bills for next month so I am so deep in the red my dad actually offered me my inheritance. (I declined.)

I'm proud that I buckled down and decreased my expenses. I'm not spending as much. Excellent.
I got my gym membership decreased by $15 a month. Cable went down by $35 a month. Photo forum canceled- that's $15 a month saved. Phone plan changed, that saved $70 a month. I considered canceling all of these things, and actually made the calls and tried to do so, and burst into tears on the phone with the rep as he went through the motions to do it and I just couldn't handle it. I don't know why, it was like it was too much change or something. I got them all reduced at least, and they promised I could call back at any time and get them all canceled later.

I ran some mini-sessions and a client purchased some extra time for their event and bam- rent for next month got paid. Another client paid her balance. Great. But it's all basically meaningless. Between rent, health insurance, therapy, student loans, car insurance, dog insurance, the credit card, all of the utility bills, the credit card, and the tax bill thus far, I don't have enough. Not even close. I'll be in the negative a couple thousand dollars at least.

But I can't even handle thinking about it because it is SO awful.

I AM proud of all that I have done so far. I am.

And I do have some more things to do.

I need to amend my taxes from last year. This is hugely stressful because it is such a big job. I also can't do it on this computer because the tax program I have to use isn't compatible with Windows 8, so I have to fire up the old back up computer that is packed away. This is going to get started fairly quickly because I want it done before I do my 2012 taxes. Those are mostly done already (hence I already have a good grip on what I owe), but I am hoping what I overpaid in 2011 can be put towards 2012 and help bail me out/break even.  But the whole thing is going to be very complicated. And NO, I'm not going to go to a tax firm/CPA to do it. I store all of my records online, so it's not like I can present a pile of receipts. I do my taxes by logging into 10 different online accounts and inputting it into excel. I'm a nightmare to work with, I'm sure.

There are also some minor money makers in relation to moving that I want to get done.

Selling the dining room table.

Selling the stereo cabinet.

Selling my GRE books and flashcards.

Possibly selling the Piano. (I am realizing it's going to be hard to move, and I am hoping my mom will give me our family piano at some point).


And some general cleaning house things that will make me feel much better:


Dumping the pile of clothes I've slowly been sorting into a bin at Goodwill.

Getting the garbage out of the house

Continuing to get the bathroom clean, sorted and presentable for company

Throwing out my rugs- but probably not until much closer to the actual move so there's no risk of hurting the carpets in the meantime.

Continuing to dump out my huge collection of magazines.

Progress, progress.

I wish I knew why everything has slowed so dramatically so I could fix it. This post ended up sounded incredibly depressing, but I started writing it because I was really proud of myself and I want to repeat that. I am PROUD OF MYSELF! I got into trouble and I am figuring it out. I'm going to keep working to figure it out. I have tightened my belt and I am going to keep tightening it and thinking hard and applying for jobs until I figure this out. I love my job, but I can't help but be resentful of these hoards of people invading our industry, shooting on automatic and charging for their services. I got beat for a wedding job a couple weeks ago because a friend of the bride's "just started" a business and would only charge $500 for unlimited everything. Her pictures suck and she doesn't know what she's doing. I started in the same place, I know, and we all have to start somewhere, but when you're doing this full time, and you're doing it the right way, I can't tell you have frustrating it is to be beat out by someone who does it as a hobby, and has no freaking clue.

Wordless Wednesday: Our Secret Place in Summer

Charlie Brown Bagel & I went location scouting for a photo shoot and returned to our Secret Place as a possible locale (and it was a success! You can see the pics from that shoot over at my work blog: http://eheizerphotography.blogspot.com/2011/07/oh-alice-you-dont-even-know-what-tea.html )

Afterwards we came home, Charlie was kind of hot and did his Dumbo impression- and Al Bundy I guess too. Sorry, I didn't apply a modesty patch; I'm not as sophisticated as the Dooche or Pioneer Woman blog to do that.



   

My First Fusion Video

For the last couple of months I have been secretly filming clients on and off with mixed success in the hopes of being able to begin making fusion videos.  A Fusion Video is a combination of still photography and short video clips, typically set to music. It is just beginning to become "the new thing" in wedding and portrait photography. I love doing slideshows on my website, but they are a TON of work because I really do sit there and figure out what order I want the pictures to be in the slideshow, and at what points in the music do I want this slide to be showing up, etc. (It's a sickness, lol).  You can see how doing video would make this much harder!

After practicing shooting video in manual, meaning, manually exposing the video like you would a film camera, setting for aperture and shutter speed, ISO, white balance, etc during these live sessions, WHILE simultaneously shooting my photography stills (seriously, I was shooting on two different cameras, sometimes one on each hand holding down buttons at the same time!) I finally got some footage that was cute enough to use and incorporate into a fusion video. I had some other footage from an engagement session I did awhile back, but the groom kept LOOKING AT ME. He drove me crazy. He just stared at me. I have a million shots of his bride looking loving at him, and him looking at me like a deer in a headlights because he was so self conscious of the camera. By far the worst subject I had ever had in 6 years of doing this. I would have 2 seconds of cute video, and then he would look at me like he was dying and ask if we were done yet. It was terrible.

Anyway. I would love and appreciate it if you would all head over to my work blog and check out the video I made and leave some nice feedback for the couple! I guess the groom is pretty embarrassed about being filmed (LOL) even though I think he looks great, and I of course would love to have some feedback too! I did a bad thing in posting this video on a Friday afternoon of a holiday weekend because no one has seen the video! They are all out of town! I am trying to figure out how to repost it on Tuesday when everyone comes back...

Here's the link! I would so appreciate it! Thank you!  http://eheizerphotography.blogspot.com/2011/05/bless-rain-mike-sara.html

KCRA 3 Contest

I was nominated for a local news  contest for best photographer and am currently ranked 51/ out of almost 400 nominees... I could really use your vote!  I wasn't going to do anything about it, but a few of my clients started telling me they had been voting for me, and I was like... well, if they are taking a stand on my behalf and saying all these nice things about me and going out of their way, then, maybe I should be too!

So, if you have a minute, I would appreciate it if you would take a minute and vote! You can either sign up for an account with just your email address and a password, or you can hook it up with your facebook which it does instantly and you don't have to do anything. I think you can vote every day if you wanted to do that, but if you did it just once that would be great!

I announced that I had been nominated earlier today on Facebook and I jumped from being ranke 83 to 51 in a single day, so I think I would gain ranks really fast if people knew about it!

Thank you so much everyone!

I need your help.

You remember this whole fiasco with the deranged bride who left the bad review (which references me having an AFFAIR with a MARRIED MAN??!!!!) which her ENTIRE family disagreed with, including her husband? (Yeah, even her husband apparently disagreed with her and was upset with her for doing it and was totally happy and loved the pictures...) The mother in law, who is the person who wanted a photographer and selected and hired me and was the only person allowed to leave a review on the website per their own guidelines, left a positive rebuttle review and I thought I would be able to have the bride's review removed since it broke pretty much every rule they had. For some reason, they won't remove it and the only emails I am getting from the company are form letters that say, Unfortunately, this review does not fit our criteria for removal and will remain on the site. Warm regards! And has a generic signature on it with no specific person to contact and no names. I have contacted them over and over and over agian and am getting no where.

Each member takes a vow when they sign up for an account that they will leave honest reviews of vendors, and just by reading the review we know she lied because the dates don't match up- the most simple example of this is that she said it took 2.5 months to get her pictures back when she had only been married for 7 weeks when she left the review.

The first rule of the site is that you have to have a "business contract" with the vendor in order to leave a review. I never had a contract with her and had never communicated with her in any way prior to her leaving the review. She was not and has never been my client. My client is totally happy and has asked her repeatedly to remove the review and in fact, she told both of us she was going to, but didn't. I did an additional 100 edited images for them- something I didn't have to do, and the mother in law said was totally not necessary because she loved the pictures as-is but I did it anyway to be nice. The bride still never acknowledged it or removed the review or AT LEAST remove the part about Matt. Which she said she would do. It has been 30 days, and nothing.

Project Wedding is the site where she actually left the review (but PW is owned by Wedding Wire, which also owned Wedding Bee, City Weddings, and about 8 other sites, so her review is now displaying on ALL of those sites too) and that site has the following rules too:

We remove posts, biographies, comments, private messages, reviews, and any other content that contains language that is inappropriate or offensive

We don't allow posts, biographies, comments, private messages, reviews, wiki articles, and any other content that personally attack another user.

We remove posts...reviews...and other forms of communication between members that contain language that is inappropriate or offensive, his includes content that contains language or imagery that is:
Hateful, bigoted, or offensive
Defamatory, abusive, or threatening
We don't allow posts, biographies, toasts, reviews, wiki articles, and other forms of communication between members that personally attack other users.

In addition comments that may cause distress, embarrassment, or humiliation will not be tolerated.

All of these excerpts were taken from the Community Guidelines page of PW: http://www.projectwedding.com/info/community_guidelines

In the review, the woman says among many, MANY other hurtful UNTRUE disparaging things, that I was going through a "stupid breakup with a married man." This is the part of the review that sends me into hysterics. Everytime I look at it, or get a communication from the companies, which is frequently, I get REALLY upset. This company is a huge part of my business and it is HUMILIATING knowing that people can read that review and are judging me not knowing what the story it. But I don't WANT them to know what the story is, because it is none of their business and I can't handle the general public knowing what happened to me this summer. I just can't handle it. I can't. I need the review, or at least THAT SENTENCE removed. I am totally wound up and upset right now thinking about people reading it... I need it to go away and I am not making progress on my own and I need help. Can you please help me?

Obviously, the review breaks the rules on these websites. I don't know if they aren't reading my complaints or what, but it OBVIOUSLY breaks their guidelines and should have been removed right away. If you can, I would really appreciate it if you could do whatever you can to get the post removed. Flag her profile as inappropriate, email the company, flag the review, something, ANYTHING you can do, or are comfortable doing I would appreciate. I am at my breaking point with this and am contemplating removing my company profile from all of their websites- which would be a huge blow to my business, which I can't afford, and I don't even know if it's possible to do- all to get this one line removed from this review. What has nothing to do with my business and the entire review is false anyway! I am so upset. ...

Here is a link to the profile of the lady, which shows my review- it's the only review she wrote. You can make an account in about 10 seconds and flag her profile as in appropriate. That is the course of action which requires the least amount of effort.

http://www.weddingwire.com/wedding/UserViewProfile?wid=083daa45f81d7567

I don't know what she did this, but talking to the mother in law and my mom, it seems that she's taking out her unhappiness in being married on me. I don't know why someone would do that, but being really young, and pregnant and newly married to someone she probably doesn't know really well and whom she had called the wedding off the week before the wedding before going through with it... the woman has issues but that doesn't make what she did okay. I think that I am confidant enough to say I had enough issues going on already before this happened. This was a slap in the face on top of it.

This is where she left the review originally, but since she did it under a guest account, they remove all of the buttons that allow you to flag it as inappropriate for some reason?????????? But maybe there is another way to pursue it here.

http://www.projectwedding.com/vendor/show/heizer-photography

I hope some of you will helpl me with this. I need help getting rid of this. I need it to go away. I NEED it to. What she said is so incredibly hateful and will be there FOREVER unless I can get some help in having it removed. I don't want this in my face everytime I try to work on my business...

Thank you

I want to say thank you. I want to say thank you to everyone who has tried to be there for me, who has reached out to me, shared their stories and offered your support.

Thank you to the people who prayed for me. Thank you so much to the people who have continued to pray for me.

Some of those prayers have helped me greatly.

In the last week I booked three weddings and I was able to come up with enough money to pay my rent. I also had a friend refer a family client to me, which also helped alot. The weddings are very small, two are elopements, and are taking place in the next couple of weeks, but I am so grateful for the income. Even the fact that they are elopements is something to be thankful for because it is so much less pressure on me emotionally. The third wedding is in November and the couple is taking advantage of some clearance pricing for 2010 weddings I put up to try and drum up some business. They are getting one of my regular packages for almost 50% off. But it is income, and I am so incredibly grateful and thankful and blessed to have received this help right now.

Thank you so much to everyone. And PLEASE keep it up. I still need you so, so much.

But I have a roof over my head for another month because of you.

I have a dream...

First off, I would like for all of you to just drop what you are doing, yes, even reading this blog... NO WAIT! Don't go yet. :) Wait for instructions. I have spent the last two days buried in Photoshop trying to come up with a way to simplfy my work blog. It took me a long, long time to come up with what I had and I was really happy with what I had, but it just has felt so cluttered and all over the place to me. So, two days in PS, 50 ideas later, and probably an actual 10 minutes coming up with this, my work blog has a new design! Or a new topper anyway and a new background color. So click on the link and tell me how it looks? Thanks. I am pretty proud. I think it looks really pretty! Very grown up.

http://www.eheizerphotography.com/

Now that that is all out of the way let's get down to business. I feel like a steaming pile of baby poo. I don't know what you are talking about me coming so far... I feel like an ostrich who just keeps getting scared and sticking her head back in the sand and hiding and waiting for it to be all over.

Next visualization... Cartoon deer, with giant antlers, tucked into bed with the sheets pulled up tight to his chin, quivering with his little hooves just barely peeking out over the top and this poor deer's eyes... the deer in headlight's look, staring at the ceiling, bug eyed, darting back and forth from one side of the ceiling to the other like you're reading a book... except you're staring at empty white space.

That was me last night. I was reading one of the books I got to try and help myself at home (This one is called When your Lover Lies or something) and there was a line in there about how your partner/the liar already had everything he wanted, he was getting everything he wanted and set up this arrangement to his liking and controlled it. I read that and dropped the book on the bed, got into the above "deer mode" and realized.... A year ago June Matt told me his father had had a debilitating stroke, and a bad reaction to one of the medications administered to him during initial treatment and was in the hospital for weeks. He told me when he initially went in to see his dad in the hospital that his dad did not recognize him. For weeks Matt struggled with what to do and ultimately made the difficult decision to rent out his house to another officer and move in with his parents to help take care of his dad for the time being.

But none of that actually happened. He made ALL of it up. ALL of it.

Most bothersome to me last night was that he had never left. That's what I kept thinking. He never left. He was here the whole time. Probably commuting to work at his regular office... in all liklihood I probably passed him in his squad car on the freeway during that time... Calling him from our favorite BBQ place around the corner from his "old" office and having a chicken sandwich in his honor, at his request... he may very well have been literally around the corner at that office writing reports. (And laughing to himself?) He was here the whole time. THE WHOLE TIME?
The last fourteen months or so I thought he was living two hours away when he was really just 15 minutes down the freeway. When he told me he was going to get up really early, at 5 or 6am to get to my house at 7 or 8am, I felt so touched that he would do that for me... but really he was just rolling out of bed and was here in a matter of minutes... Probably waiting for her to leave for work before he could leave...
I sent him home with two cold cokes "for the drive home" once... 15 minutes away. All that time. I was writing him love letters and missing him and worrying for his safety... he was here the whole time. He was right here. Saying her couldn't get a signal out to call me or that he didn't receive my calls and alot of my texts didn't go through because of the remote area he was in... All lies. He was here the whole time. His phone was working just fine. He was just ignoring me. He purposely ignored me and made excuses so he could string me along... Oh... that.. I am just thinking of this as I type it and my skin is going cold to think of that. What a horrible thing to do to a person. What a horrible thing to do to ME. And he THANKED me for keeping up with the calls and texts, that is gave me hope and faith and he knew I believed in him... I don't know what to say or think now...
But back to this revelation... He never left? How could be blatantly lie to me like that? How do you take advantage of someone's sympathies like that? How do you fake grief? Why would you? What was he getting out of this?

He was here... the whole time. That whole year we were long distance and I was working so hard to make it work... we broke up/separated for awhile because he wasn't putting enough effort into it... His visits were so short in the bigger perspective, a few hours, a day... so spaced out because of the expense and his family obligations... but that wasn't true either... he was right here. Je never left.
He was RIGHT here?

Pooping Uphill

This morning as I was driving into class I saw a Golden Retreiver squating on a relatively steep, albeit small, hill next to the sidewalk, with just about all of his weight on his front paws, and trying to go potty, you know, uphill. He looked like he was about to do a handstand.

I hope it all came out okay.

My weight is down to 175.8. But I have good news about this. I met with a case manager today and although I have now discussed the food issue with several professionals in my program, the woman I met with today reminded me that my new anti-anxiety medication that I was put on when I started the program 2 weeks ago causes weight loss! I was so relieved! So it is not all just me! The doctor told me that when she perscribed it but I completely forgot with everything going on. It is probably not all the medication given how rapid it has been, but Theresa (the psychologist I chose to cry all over today) told me is supresses appetite, so WHEWHOO! It is not all totally in my head and that is a relief. It was causing me some additional worry and I really dont need that right now.

Today I ate some crostini (kind of like a big crouton) with some apricot and almond goat cheese, which was really good. I got that from the grocery outlet and I definetly need some more of it! I also had a whole greek yogurt (well, I didn't eat the fruit on the bottom.) And I made some pumpkin raviloi with salt. So in total, I probably got almost 500 calories in me, which is more than I have been able to eat in awhile. I didn't even cook a whole serving of the ravioli and I couldn't finish it, but I am going to try again in awhile when my stomache settles down. I get really bad stomache aches when I eat now, which may be from my body not being used to eating, but two psychologists I've talked to have both told me they think it's from the anxiety.

So, Saturday I shot that wedding. I would describe it as horrible. The ceremony, which is something I hadn't even really thought about, particularly the vows were really personal, and people cried. The groom's sister sang Norah Jones' "Come Away With Me" and she can actually sing. I had to turn away and try to think about something else and basically imagined driving pencils into my eardrums so I wouldn't have to hear it. I loved that song. It made me think of him while we were together and I don't want to hear it right now.

From the couple's perspective, they didn't know the difference and everything went fine and they had no idea, which is the ultimate goal. From my end, I probably took half as many pictures as I usually do, family pictures took 50% longer and I forgot to take pictures of the bride and groom alone before it got dark. I have no idea why. I didn't feel like I was shooting any less, and the groom's family is large, but I am used to wrangling large groups. I don't know. Bottom line, the couple will never know the difference, only I will.

Yesterday and today were really bad. Particularly yesterday. Like I told my dad... it's like you got run over by a truck... after you wake up, the first thing you ask is, "What just happened?" Which is what I have been mumbling for the last couple of weeks. (That and "Huh?" ) Yesterday I started thinking... "...Did I just get run over by a truck?"

I had a panic attack talking to my dad on the phone on Friday night. He said a particular word, and it made me react but I controlled it... and then he said it again and I triggered. I started panting and raised my voice and told him I couldn't hear that because it put me back "in that house" and I couldn't do that. And he was like, "What house? What are you talking about?" And I was all, "WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M TALKING ABOUT?!" It made me SO mad (after the fact), I mean come on, this is the ONLY thing going on in my life right now that I am dealing with. What else would I be referencing? But, I was hysterical, and I am completely hypersensitive and I know that. I ended up hanging up the phone and it was a good 15-20 minutes before I could calm myself down. I couldn't stop crying, I couldn't breathe, I felt like I was dying. At one point I caught myself slightly rocking. That freaked me out. That's what crazy people on tv do. It was awful.

So I asked to see a case manager Monday and I ended up getting held after the program for about an hour crying in this womans office. She told me we needed to assess if my needs were being met in IOP and if I needed a higher level of care and she talked to me about going to a voluntary in-patient facility for awhile. ...That really scared me and I told her I was too scared to do that.

So today I saw another case manager (Theresa) and she commented while I was bawling my eyes out in her office that she had noticed how distressed I had looked the day before and that, basically, I looked like I had been run over by a truck and based on how I held my body and how shallow my breaths were that it looked like I was on the verge of a panic attack and ready to run just about all day long. She also told me that I am greiving and that this is a loss and that this is ok. This is what I am supposed to be doing. Nobody has really said that before. No one had mentioned the 5 stages of grief to me until yesterday and that was mentioned to me by a friend! Then Theresa mentioned it again today and another therapist approached me after class and said the same thing. Theresa reccomended that I read some books on loss and losing a spouse. That that is how this feels. But that this is almost worse, because, when a spouse dies, they aren't rejecting you. They didn't deceive you. You can just love them and miss them and its simple in that respect. This is more complicated. But she said the first step in this is greiving him and the relationship and the loss of our future and our plans together.

And that is how I have felt. And people jumping at me with "You should be angry!" and Why do I still have pictures of him and ordering me to remove them (literally, I've receiving emails and IM's in caps saying that), so many people have told me what a horrible person he is and have listed every negative adjective in the book to describe him. But the man that *I* knew never hurt me. He loved me and cared about me. That's it. And... he went away. Or he died. And all I really want is for him to come home. And I need to figure that out first before anything else. It's been haunting me all day.. He's not coming home. I always thought he would come home to me. And he isn't going to. He isn't coming home.

Ole' Crappy's Eve

Kinda like All Hallow's Eve (Halloween) but adjusted to my own situation. Old Crappy Eve. Tomorrow I am shooting my first full wedding since this happened. I haven't had a single friend offer to come with me, despite begging many, MANY people to come with me. I am freaking out, to say the least. I cannot even begin to express how panicky and upset I feel about having to do this at ALL let alone do this without any support.

It's not like I am asking someone to come and work with me... I am asking someone to come and hang out and just BE there. And they get a free meal and get to go to a wedding. And they get cupcakes and wedding cake. Is that so terrible of a day? I am always willing to do whatever for a friend. As long as you don't ever ask me to help you move (you're going to have to dupe me into that one, and somehow my friend Cecilia somehow managed to do that the day I broke my foot. I still have no idea how she conned me), I'll do anything you ask me to do. I'm just like that. You want me to take you to the airport at 3am. Sure, no prob. I could care less. (Throws up hands.) How is it I don't know anyone that is like me?

I'm also worried about the food issue. It takes all day for me to... I don't know... get up the wherewithall? to eat. I just ate for the first time today. I had some split pea soup. Some yellow tomatoes/green peppers/avocado with a tortilla nuked in the microwave to make chips. (Just take a plain old corn tortilla and cut up into triangles [I just fold it and it breaks] and put it straight in the microwave for 2 minutes. Flip, microwave 15-30 additional seconds until crisp. No oil, nothing. 75 calories of chips. And salt free, for me anyway, too.)

So I ate today, but not until like 10pm... I am going to HAVE to eat before I go to this wedding tomorrow. I have to be there, ready to go, energized at 330pm. I don't know how i am going to do that. How am I going to get myself to eat a full meal before then? As soon as I start eating right now I start feeling sick as it is and I don't want to eat at all, even if I am hungry. I just... I can't. I open the fridge and look and it just seems disgusting. I just can't eat. I can't.

I suppose you can psychoanalyze me and say food and eating is the ONLY thing I can control right now. And maybe I am "restricting." I don't know. That is anorexic-type behavior. But I don't think I am anorexic. I think this is just part of the reactive phase of what's happened to me. Eating makes me sick.

But if I don't eat before I work, I'm going to get sick. So what do I do?

The psychologist who is supervising me in this program told me to just try and eat a little bit here and there, snacks through out the day, have some nuts... when she said that I visualized putting the nuts in my mouth and then just letting them drop out onto the table unchewed. I don't think that's going to work.

I'm getting upset just thinking about this.

Also today the psychologist said something today that really upset and bothered me and I don't know what to make of it because it doesn't make any sense to me. She said there was no realtionship because Matt wasn't really in it. I said, well it was real to me. She said, you may have thought that but a realtionship takes two people and he wasn't in it all the way.

... Matt asked me to be his girlfriend. We were together for a year and a half. If I had never found out, and we had simply broken up, I would be mourning this as I would any other break up. But, it wouldn't really be a break up? Because there was no realtionship? He told me he loved me. He wanted to spend his life with me. That I was his best friend. He told me all of the reasons he loved me and often. He held me, hugged me, kissed me and teased me and loved me like no one else ever has. Even knowing most of the truth now. Isn't that still a realtionship? I mean, I didn't just make this up in my head. I was going to marry this man... make babies with this man. Die in his arms as an old woman. I was happy. And I was going to have a very, very happy life.

But...? I don't understand. Do you agree with what she said?

I did one positive thing today... I attempted to make a ruffly camera strap cover. It didn't come out all that great, but I had to make a goal to do a fun thing in class today and I actually followed through. That's rare for me. But I did it... My friend Kristin is going to make me a whole collection. Because I said so. She is finding this out as she reads this post. Thanks!

Ugh

I feel tense. Panicky. Overwhelmed. Shakey. I do not feel good. I can feel the tension running through my veins. I am on the verge of a big hysterical fit and I know it. And I am trying to hold it off. It hurts too much to feel it. My whole body has been trembling for the last couple of hours.

I am dreading the wedding I have to work tomorrow. Thank God that it is only 3 hours. That is a small piece of mercy for me. I told the couple I was looking forward to seeing some happy people but really I am just dreading having to put on a fake smiling face for those 3 long hours. I dread it with every fiber of my being and my lower jaw is chattering. I feel sooo tense.

All I want to do is crawl into my car and drive out in the middle of nowhere and I don't know. Rot.

I keep having these flickers and flashes of what happened and how his life must have been going back and forth. And the absurdity of the fact I wrote him love letters with the wrong name on the envelope.

My stomach is churning and I feel like there is electricity is running through my veins. Literally- like I'm being electrocuted. Shakey, trembling, freaked out, tense. I hate this.

Frustrated and Freaked out

So, exciting news, I got pubished on the cover of a magazine. Which you can see over on my work blog--> http://www.eheizerphotography.com/ Which is awesome.

In non exciting news, I got myself all geared up to bite the bullet take the LSAT and start over with law school and now I am chickening out. I don't know what to do.

Beyond HAVING to take a $1300 prep course, which starts on Saturday, which I can't afford and am not registered for yet anyway, law school is a huge expense. I was looking at some legal documents today and I started feeling all freaked out that I am not smart enough to do this and I would be a bad lawyer if I even made it through school this time (third times the charm!) and would get in a huge amount of debt and wouldn't do the things I really want to go, like get married and be a mom.

Sigh.

I have sent in 69 applications in to the state to try and get a job as an analyst, because despite my fame (**big grin**) my income is really not stable and I hate that. I also hate working from home in my pig sty and never going anywhere or doing anything. If I can get a job with the state, all of those woes would be behind me and I could just work, which is something I actually love. I have always loved to work. Getting up and going to work is like, awesome to me. (As is sleeping in on Saturdays). If I got a state job, I would be able to save up the rest of the money for a down payment on a house very quickly. Then I could have my OWN space and my OWN home and it would be so much easier to keep everything sort of clean when you have more than 500 square feet to live in with your two cats and everything you've ever owned in your life right back to elementary school papers and don't forget my entire home based business... Then I could get a dog too, which I really want.

problem. if I go back to law school, am I going to excel in school if I have to work to pay a mortgage?

Mortgage would be pretty low, not much more than I pay for rent now and I have found a home I have absolutely fallen in love with. It's 1100 sq feet, single story, huge back yard, landscaped, has raised flower and vegetable beds and backs to the far field at an elementary school, so lots of privacy. The house is decorated/designed in a very kitschy style, very "Nienie Dialogues" if you know what I mean. the kitchen has yellow cabinets. But it totally works. Most awesomely the current owners have the same couches I do, so looking at their living room looks like I already live there. It's a short sale priced at $139,600. I'm sure it will be long gone before I am able to try to buy it. Which sucks.

But also remember... if I go back to law school, there is only one law school in Sacramento and if I didn't get in there, I would be moving in a year. Stupid to get a house.

I'm confused and overwhelmed. Matt is not doing any better. Now he is starting to like being by himself. He told me he was drinking tonight. At least he is with family so I know he's safe. I am very worried and just pray that CHP comes back to him soon and gives him his job back. We need that SO BAD. He needs it, but I need it too! It determines our whole future right now! Granted, he will eventually find another job if he has to, but getting his old job back changes everything and would happen immediately. With the market how it is, who knows how long it could take for him to find a new job, especially with him rotting in his pit of despair.

Did I mention I was lonely? :(