VE DAY

Not Victory in Europe, but Victory for Emily Day is tomorrow! Tomorrow is my hearing, at 8:15am PST. We probably won't get started until 9:00am, and the whole thing will be done by 10:15am.

My speech is timed to 10 minutes in length. Which is WAY longer than anyone else's I heard last week, but no one had as much stuff going on as me.

Pray for me. Hope for me. I know that as in accordance with the law that I cannot win, but if I can go and stand up to my attacker, that I will have won. And that's all I need.

Are you kidding me?

The investigator just emailed me out of the blue and said that he needed to meet with me- this week preferably to have me sign some memoranda from our interview. He said he could mail it, but he would prefer we meet. My head is spinning, I feel dizzy and sick, so tired. I have questions for him; I'd rather meet him in person too, but I keep having visions of vomiting in a trash can outside a Starbucks when I see him while my friend who I have conned into coming with me (why, hello Amanda) looks on horrified. I kind of had a big dinner tonight, turkey sandwich and urban fries... I want to go throw them up. I just feel so sick. My anxiety is so high.. it's like I drank a ton of caffeine, but I am not shaky, just.. my head is spinning. I feel SO sick.

Nightmares

My nightmares are back. I'm having terrible, terrible nightmares. I dream he comes to the house. He hurts me. He comes to the front door with his fist clenched so tight- like he did that day in the house.

I dream he's been suspended from his job. I dream he's angry. I dream he doesn't care. I dream and dream and dream. I wake up startled that he's not there. The dog howling at noises on the porch makes my hair stand on end.

I'm scared.

I'm not sleeping well. I guess I should say I'm not sleeping at all. Last night I was up until 5am, and only after I put in one more call regarding that lawsuit against him. I woke up at 7am. I haven't been back to sleep since.

I have a newborn photo shoot today, thrown together at the last minute, the dad is shipping out- he's military and he's leaving tomorrow. I don't know how I am ever going to make it through. I'm so tired. The session is also in Matt's territory. It makes me nervous. Such happy, sweet memories now turned sour and scary.

Someone else has complained about him. Yes- a THIRD person. He threatened them. The only thing is I'm not entirely sure it's my Matty or not. I think that's triggering me partially. He sounds angry, pent up, and taking it out on the job.

I'm nervous.

Made a Big Boo Boo

I posted the link to my blog on my Facebook account for a couple of hours... and I blocked a number of people from seeing my wall and updates, but not everybody... and, well, since nobody responded to the post I wrote, I thought that nobody saw the link and so I deleted it.

Then some people have casually brought this blog up in conversation.  And, the hits on this blog spiked by 300%.

COUGH, COUGH, HACK, HACK.

I think I'm going to die.

I don't know how ready I am for people to know everything that happened this last year. I mean, I posted the link. I asked for it. I started trying to tell people beyond the like, 10 that knew the whole story, but the ones I started confiding in didn't respond in ways I expected or hoped- like the confidential email I sent someone who never responded or acknowledged it, and when I checked in to make sure they got it, all they said was they had and that they were busy. (Um, okay....? Thanks for the support?) 

It makes me feel really vulnerable and revisit those feelings of right after everything happened and I told one of my best friends and she promptly disappeared from my life. Literally. I broke my foot a few days after I went to the house by walking into a couch at a friend's house while essentially being babysat until I could start the outpatient program at Kaiser because of all this. That "best friend" ding dong ditched crutches on my porch and has never been seen or heard from again. She heard what Matt did to me, made some nasty, snide comments, and POOF'd from my life. I've called, texted, sent her a holiday card... I have no idea what happened. I guess that saying "You find out who your friends are" holds true... I didn't think it would happen to me though. Of course, I didn't think any of this would. I never thought I'd live a day of my life without Matt. I thought he never would, and never could, hurt me. I was wrong.

Posting that link, I'm afraid it's going to put me at risk for more of those things happening and it scares me. I cannot handle the lack of support. I lost the most important person in my life- my partner, and people need to recognize that part of it first and foremost before anything else. I have spent unbelievable amounts of time trying to cope with comments other people have made about him, and not dealing with the situation itself, or taking care of myself and that's not helpful.

I am terrified of not being able to control who finds out. So far, the people who have found out are people I specifically told. If I told someone, I told them individually. Not their spouse, not their friend, I told them individually and told them not to repeat it. That has been honored up to this point. The majority of followers of this blog are not people I know in real life and I take enormous comfort in that. The clients of my business predominately do not know. One or two who were around when it happened know, but that's it. The rest have vague bits of information that I lost Matt but they don't know how or why. Some think he died, others that we  broke up. If they ask, I don't clarify, and simply say it's too upsetting to talk about, because it is. I can't have a professional relationship with my clients if they know I have a panic attack when I go to the grocery store. If I'm in work mode, I'm in work mode, and I can do it and it's fine. But if I shift gears into the victim that I have been for the last year, I can't function, and I can't let that shift happen while I'm with clients. I don't know if I'd be able to stop myself from shutting down if that shift started.

I have come a long way, but I don't know if I'm ready for this level of openness, because there's a level of vulnerability that will go hand in hand with it. If people I know in real life know what happened, then inevitably, they will tell other people that I know... people I didn't choose to tell. Who may make judgements about things they don't know about or understand, or when they don't know the full story. I am terrified of being judged. I didn't know... I didn't know the truth about Matt, any of it, until the day I found out, and the day I exposed him. But that didn't stop some woman in group therapy from accusatorily saying to me, "And you DIDN'T know he was married with a baby?" in a nasty tone... I'm afraid someone I know will say or think something like that about me. Or take her or their side. But I didn't know... I didn't know... I never knew, and when I knew.. I told. And I'm not the one whose allowing my child to be raised by someone who is so disrespectful to women... a criminal...who committed forgery, committed identity theft, ... I'm not someone who is overall teaching their daughter that it's okay to be in an emotionally and verbally abusive marriage (with HER [wife] being the verball abuser) and that it's okay to be cheated on. That THAT is a good example to provide and live.

When I told her she already knew. She had confronted him multiple times. Me, I never suspected a thing until the day it all unraveled. He cheated on her for half their marriage. He and I started dating when their daughter was 10 days old. We said our "I love you's" right after their wedding anniversary. She knows all of those facts. WHY would you stay in a marriage like that? What kind of a marriage IS that? The day after the house (the day I went to their house and told her her had been living a double life) we emailed and she told me she was "still so in love with her husband" and that "she got married for forever, not just a little while." How long do you think HE got married for? You took vows... How quickly did he break his? What kind of a marriage do you HAVE? You don't have one! You don't have honesty, fidelity, love, honor... what the hell is there? I would NEVER stay in that relationship, and I would not want my daughter to think that it was okay for a man to ever treat me or another woman- even if it was the "other woman"- like that! It's not okay to tell another woman you're another man, with a fake life- fake parents- fake home, fake job--- what the hell?
At the same time, I understand why you would want to stay... but I would never, ever make that choice. Especially with a child, and most certainly not with a daughter to set an example for.

Despite all of those things, some people want to demonize me, make those two- Matt and his wife- the innocent parties in this? Huh? Like I had anything to do with making the situation what it was? I AM the victim, and it is okay that I am the victim. His wife should have been one too, but she chose to stay in the disfunctional relationship and there are going to be penalities she's going to suffer because of that. I was very uncomfortable in persuing any type of action against Matt because of her- I did not want her to be affected, but what I was told at therapy, in outpatient, group... when she chose to stay with him, she also chose to suffer the consequences of his actions right along with him, and she was entitled to make that choice. So let her. That's what she wanted.  I've called over 30 law firms at this point. I've been told to go to WEAVE and VIVA for help. I'm not the bad guy in this, I'm the victim, and that's okay. And no matter what people say to me, I have to hold on to the facts of what happened, and that is, I was a victim. And this was not my fault.



I am so incredibly afraid of not being supported. My family did not stand up for me and was not there for me after it happened... I can't take any more hurt. Especially right now, when I am finally trying to take back my life.

Today is the big day.

This morning I will be going in for my interview with two of the investigating sergeants. We are meeting at an engineering firm in a business/industrial district that has no affiliation with the CHP or the state as far as I can tell. I have no idea how they managed to coordinate doing this interview on private property. It is pretty strange.

My mother flew in this afternoon and will be there for at least part of the interview for moral support. I asked the sergeant if it was okay that she be there and he was actually really negative and discouraged her presence. This was primarily due to the same concerns I had- that I would hold back or edit myself in front of her; their concerns were about being able to ask me absolutely anything they wanted to, apparently. (Whatever that means?) He also said she absoutely cannot speak or emotionally react to anything that is said, that I can't be comforting or dealing with her. There are honestly some things I really don't want to talk about in front of her and have debated about her presence. I have a friend who I really, REALLY wanted there (Al) but she can't because she's not local so I guess I should be grateful my mom could be there.

Mormon missionaries stopped by today while I was going through old letters between Matt and I. I thought the timing funny.

Having some problems with my mom triggering anxiety episodes in me. My mom is conservative and proper, but at the same time I'm her adult daughter, so she thinks certain things are okay to do in front of me and they just really upset me. Like she started changing her clothes in front of me. And her feet were bothering her after she got up from a nap and so she was trying to stretch them and they were up in the air, and it just was a very awkward body position.... She also has this habit of always sitting in the car with her hand between her knees/thighs and because her legs are so short, it has always bothered me just because of how it looks, even though she is just tucking her hand between her knees to keep it warm as a habit. Like someone would sit on their hands. All of these things, together and as a whole, all trigger red flags of *SEXUALITY*  and completely and totally freak me out. Honestly, when she started to change her clothes I cried and had to stand up and face the wall and ask her to stop. I felt like a lunatic. Like, seriously, it's my mom changing clothes to go to the dog park. Or she's stretching her leg. Or warming her hand, and it all means, like nothing, but when I see those things, instead of seeing normal things someone does in private, my whole body freaks out and screams something sexual is going on and I need to run away because something very bad and very wrong is happening. It is totally and absolutely because of Matt.

We had this little breakthrough over the weekend, I remembered this instance when I had hugged Matt when he was on duty and he had his bullet proof vest on and he made kind of an "Awwww, shucks!" noise and I asked him what was wrong and he said because of his vest he couldn't feel my body the same way when he hugged me. Basically, he made hugging, a totally normal, platonic, but loving act as partly sexual. This is probably why hugging has been such a trigger to me and why it upsets me so much. My sister's long term boyfriend/partner hugged me goodbye over Christmas and I had a panic attack in the car and couldn't stop wiping my chest, like I couldn't get myself clean, I couldn't get the flithy shame and dirt off my body even though nothing happened... that it was innocent.  I've progressed to the point where I can tolerate a hug without the other person realizing how upset I am (this is primarily with men) and keep calm, but in my head, it is all hysteria still. But outwardly, I am handling it much better these last few months.

Anyway, going through all those letters and papers the last couple of days in preparation of this, and it bringing all of that stuff up again and basically triggering it. So my mom doing those things is absolutely making me hysterical. I am so grossed out and feel dirty and want to scream. For absolutely ridiculous, nonsense reasons.  Just don't ever put on a sweatshirt or something in front of me or brush your hair or I might pass out in terror thinking you're trying to assault me.  I mean, come on! But... I am so serious. I feel sick, I feel so disgusting.

My therapist said (before my mom even got here or any of those things happened) that I am just being triggered right and left because of the interview. I spent the last 24 hours trying to confirm the person doing the interview really is who he says he is. I couldn't find him on the state's website and I was having these overwhelming feelings of paranoia that he wasn't a real police officer, because why else couldn't I find him on the website? After spelling his name about 20 different ways I finally got it to come up, but it really didn't provide any relief in my anixety.

I am just so afraid for tomorrow. (/This morning)

Terrified

Twice in the last 12 hours someone has tried to break into my house. While I am in it.

I have never been so instantly terrified in all my life.

Last night I was sitting at my desk working and I saw something out of the corner of my eye. It was someone with their face pressed up against my sliding glass door, their whole body pushed up against the door, arms spread wide, peering in at me. I STARTED SCREAMING. Then the person ran to my front door and started trying to work the handle, then banging on the sliding glass door. The dog started going crazy, barking, growling, lunging at the glass. I ran for the door and although the deadbolt was on, the handle wasn't locked so I turned it and hid behind the door shaking and crying and screaming "Go Away!"

I'm so not even kidding. That really happened. And they did leave. I ran around the house and checked all of the locks on the windows and the screw lock on the slider and made sure they were bolted. I closed all the blinds so no one could see in and pulled the curtains shut.

Charlie asked to go outside to go potty a little while later and I told him to pee on the carpet. I seriously did not care. I was not opening that door. He held it until this morning.

I was too scared to call the police. I'm AFRAID of the police. I called my friend Vince and then my dad's wife saw my status update on Facebook a couple hours later and my dad called me right afterwards too.

About an hour ago I was sitting at the desk again, working, and I heard a noise on the porch. Then I saw my front door handle turning. TURNING. I started screaming again. The dog ran for the slider again, standing on the back of the couch, growling and howling. I have never been so grateful for that overly protective badly behaved dog! By the time I got to the door and tried to look out, they were gone.

I'm still shaking.

I think that my next door neighbors (I live in attached condos, with units on all sides of me, and above) are dealing drugs out of their unit. There is supposed to be an old lady that lives there, but I haven't seen her there in months. I think her son, and his girlfriend, or a couple other people are living in the unit illegally. I have noticed when I'm out walking the dog late at night that skeezy, skuzzy, rough looking people have been turning up on their front porch, knocking, the door opens, shuts and the person stands on the porch waiting.  One day we walked passed their door on the way to the car and a homeless looking person was laying on their front porch.

I'm afraid to call the police. We don't have a security company. Our complex is gated and is supposed to be secure. I'm afraid to leave my house. If I wasn't in here screaming my head off, would they have kept trying to get in? The wind is blowing really hard right now and it's making the front door creak and I can't stop staring at the handle. My only plan right now is to cal management and tell them what happened. I don't know what else to do. I'm afraid to leave my house or take the dog to the bathroom. I feel absolutely terrified.

Wondering

#1 I am breaking out in hives.

#2 I keep finding approximately inch long white hairs growing out of the top of my head. WHAT? An inch implies new growth, which implies that it is some sort of stress factor related to all of this. So are you telling me I am going to be some balding white haired lady before I'm 30? Are you KIDDING me?

#3 I went to the anxiety class; I had them bill me. I'm not going to go to the depression support group. Of course the second I typed that I now feel overwhelemed with anxiety about not going and I don't know if I can handle not going even though I can't afford it and AHHHHH.

#4 I started wondering today (well it's 330am so I guess yesterday) whether I had betrayed Matt because I went and told his wife when I found out instead of going to him to discuss it and talk about it with him. Did I betray our relationship by doing that? Suddenly I feel like I"ve done something wrong, like I wronged him, like maybe he is angry with me. It made me upset. My thinking is probably convaluted but it made me upset to think about that.

#5 Some man tried to approach me on the street while I was trying to look at a flyer for a house and wouldn't leave me alone. There was probably nothing wrong with him, but I couldn't bear to look up at him and just kept looking at the paper and trying to walk away and make him go away. I don't know what to do. I don't want them to talk to me. I don't want MEN to talk to me. I want them to go away. They scare me, they make me anxious, I'm afraid they are going to do something to me, I'm afraid they are going to hurt me and I want to run away and cry when they approach me but that makes me a crazy person so I have to find something else to do, so what do I do???

#6 Allison, my friend, assigned me the homework of inspecting some random man's shoes in my anxiety class as some sort of desensitizing exercise. I got there late and ended up sitting by the door so while I was staring at the floor, per usual, I got to check out everyone's shoes when they came in. I think I saw work boots and blue flip flops and some nasty old man's bare feet again. Am I cured now?

I want to SCREAM and THROW THINGS I am so frustrated!

The dough that doesn't rise.

This is me.



I am bread dough.



But I am jacked up bread dough.



Because I don't rise.



I just get blobbier.

A sticky, blobby, blubbery mess of goop that never rises or grows and just gets messier every day.

That is what I have turned in to. That's what I feel like every day...

*

I weighed myself again. I lost some more. Not too much. So, I guess that is okay.

Still on the wonderbread diet. Amazing, all these weeks later and turkey sandwiches on wonderbread just really doesn't get old. How is that possible?

Practical advice time:

I am having trouble filling out the Kaiser paperwork... I have to call and ask them questions. This is difficult because all I want to do is go back to bed and sleep and cry. So is it worth the effort of filling it out? Probably, but it is going to take me awhile to get it filled out. I need to present bank statements and show how much I have paid out of pocket to my HMO in the last year. How exactly to do that I have no idea...

Anyway the question is do I go to my groups this week? It will cost me $50 to go to both... One is an anxiety class, that is Thursday, and the other is a support group for depression, that is Friday. I honestly feel completely incapable of making descions. I was going to email my therapist since she runs the second group and knows about my money problem, but they don't usually tell you what to do... I have been much, much weepier this week than I have been since I don't know when. I just think of him all day long. Hold his shirt. Cry. Miss him. Want it to all go away. Go to sleep... Wonder what the point is in doing anything at all anyway...

Not that I am anticipating this as being an issue any time soon, especially since I am flirting with agoraphobia (where you're afraid of leaving the house), but I still want something prepared, so I can have a long time to think about it and be prepared. What if somebody asks me out or tries to set me up? I don't know what to say. A man approached me at a wedding the weekend before last and was trying to talk to me about my camera and I was super panicky. There wasn't anything wrong with him; he was nicely dressed, attractive, there alone, but he scared the crap out of me and I didn't know how to get away from him. Under ordinary circumstances I would just chit chat, mention my sweetheart at home, flash my ring, and move along. This time I felt trapped. Since most of my friends still think Matt and I are together (as far as I know anyway... I haven't said anything to them) I don't anticipate it being an issue immediately but I want to be prepared. What do I say or do?

I almost cried in the line at Walmart yesterday. Some middle aged guy tried to stand super close next to me when I was putting my stuff on the conveyor and I asked him to move away and he wouldn't. I actually picked up the cart and pushed it inbetween us to get him to move away from me and he wouldn't. I was pinned against the check out thing and between my cart and people were staring and the guy was some kind of Eastern European and I couldn't understand what he was saying and I started getting so upset and everybody was staring.... Finally the checker realized that the guy had been at the counter before trying to buy something else earlier and had had an issue and that's why he was up so close. I don't know why he didn't just go up to the checker and why he was standing next to my hip like that and touching me but it scared me and startled and upset me. I think the language thing was the primary problem. The checker apologized... I really don't want to feel this way or to experience this stuff. I don't want to go in public and be afraid. I don't want to be upset all the time! I don't want to cry because some guy stands too close to me in line at WalMart.

What happened to me?

The Runaway Bunny

Have you ever known anyone who successfully ran away [as an adult]?



Obviously, my fantasies of running away to Colorado or some other place I have either never been or only have childhood memories of and have absolutely no connections to have been persisting. I want things to change.

I want to feel safe. I don't want to be near him. I don't want to be afraid of running into him. Or HER. I don't want to be afraid of seeing things that remind me of him or her or us or the future we had planned. I don't want to be afraid that the next client inquiry I have for a wedding will be for an event in a location tied to him, or people that remind me of him, or have ties to him. It's the former that scares me most. The thought of having to drive up to or through Redding for any reason whatsoever makes my heart pound. I don't ever want to pass anywhere near Woodland (where they live) again. I hate that the fact he is a highway patrolmen means everytime I get on the freeway I will inevitably see a squad car identical to his, sending me into panic.




Do you know someone, or know of anyone who just picked up and moved somewhere for no particular reason?

I guess my mom kind of did that. She retired to a tiny town in Oregon for the simple reason she liked it. She had never even been there until she went there to look at houses. But she went WITH someone. And she was retired.

Is it stupid and silly that I want to run away? Am I acting like I'm 4?

Is this going to fade? Because frankly, the more freaked out and messed up I feel here, the more intense my urge to flee the area seems to be.

The Bishop and some Housekeeping

Housekeeping first:

Thank you guys for the emails and the comments. You don't know how much I depend on them, especially now that I have been almost completely cut off from support from my health insurance. It's basically the only feeedback I am getting unless I am able to call the two-three girlfriends that I am able to confide in at this point, but all three tend to be difficult to reach, so really I can't thank you guys enough for being here.

If you look over on the right hand side of this screen, per your requests I have added the "Follower" widget so if you push that button you can become a follower and add my blog to your feeds on Google or Blogger.

If you're trying to find the beginning of the story, I found out about everything on August 3rd and I think the posts begin August 4th. There is a link in the "About Me" section on the right hand side or in my profile.


The Bishop next:

For the last two weeks I have been calling the Bishop for my ward (remember I am not a member of this church, but had been told that that wouldn't matter and they would be happy to help and it was part of their calling to help other people in the community, not just members) and left two messages, both of which went unanswered. I was getting pretty upset about it. To review, I was calling the Bishop in order to get the required referral to counseling through LDS Family Services, and hopefully, to have the counseling done on a sliding scale or at a reduced cost or free because I really can't afford it, but obviously I need more help than what I am getting. (And they upped my medication again...) Well my friend who lives in Utah apparently got fed up and went through her Bishop to track down mine and talked to him on my behalf and got his home number!

I called him, left a message and got a call back tonight- FINALLY! I was so relieved to finally hear from someone. Finally, I can get help! I was so shaky on the phone, and really just choked up. After awhile on the phone I gave him a brief overview on what had happened and I really started to get upset on the phone, but I managed to hold it together and not totally cry so he could understand me still but I was still all chokey, do you know what I mean?

Anyway, after all that, you know what happened? He can't help me! He said I could come into his office for 5 or 10 minutes and he could write the referal to counseling but it was expensive and I mentioned I was worried about that and he said I could try to go through my insurance, but I can't because I have Kaiser, which has it's own psychiatry department- you can't get care outside of Kaiser unless it's an emergency and you accidentally get taken to the wrong hospital. I told him that and he said well maybe he could find an LDS therapist who worked for Kaiser... totally missed the boat there. The whole point of me coming to Family Services was because Kaiser can only see me once every 6-8 WEEKS. It doesn't matter who sees me... that isn't frequently enough for what I have going on. But I can't afford $112.50 for an assessment appt and $75 each appointment after that to see an LDS counselor. I can't even afford my monthly payments on my overall health insurance, let alone the $50 copayments every OTHER month. I don't have any scheduled income for this month to pay my rent for October. I am advertising like crazy, but I can't guarantee I will bring in that money and so I will probably be pulling it out of savings. But I need help. So what do I do?

Update for this week?

Oh, it's been a very special week. Three weddings this week. Sunday on a Iris Flower Farm, Tuesday on a pier on Lake Tahoe and Today/tomorrow (it's the middle of the night now- Saturday) at a B&B type place called Wine & Roses. I have been very emotional all week. Sunday the groom sang a song he wrote for his bride... Tuesday the bride cornered me and asked me what was going on and I burst into tears in the parking lot right after the ceremony I was doing so good right until she cornered me), now what's going to happen tomorrow?!

Tuesday on the way back from Tahoe I broke up the 2 hour drive with a trek into Old Navy to check out the clearance racks and when I came out a scruffy white kid in his 20's started to approach me in the parking lot, he was looking for work, yard work, something like that. The second he started to address me my start started racing and I panicked. It didn't matter what he was saying or who he was. He scared me to death. I literally ran the last few steps to my car, was terrified that the lock mechanism on my keychain was going to unlock all of the doors and he'd be able to get in on the passenger side- that is literally what I was thinking when I was pushing the button and I waited until the last second to push it because of that, so he wouldn't have time to try and get in, or to minimize that window of time. I shoved the key in the ignition and pealed out of the lot like I was in a horror movie or something. I was scared to death. And I cried HARD not because I was sad or something, but because I was SCARED. Absolutely terrified. And the intellecutal part of my brain was thinking, "What on EARTH are you doing?!" I knew it was nuts when I was doing it, but my whole body was in overdrive. I could not get away from him fast enough. I was so scared. I can't even describe that feeling. It was horrible. HORRIBLE.

I've basically been living on turkey and cheese wonderbread sandwiches (pretend "white" [it's really wheat] wonderbread, 50 cals a slice) shaved turkey breast, 2% american, light mayo, mustard) because everything else is too overwhelming... I am sort of realizing this as I am typing it but I have been sticking to really bland foods. I have a freezer full of lean cuisines that I like and I haven't touches any of them. They seem "yucky" when I look at them. I'd rather have half a wonderbread sandwich instead.

Anyway, I was out of turkey so I had to stop at the grocery store before I went home. I had driven the rest of the way slowly on city streets for about 20 minutes so I had calmed down a bit so I went in. Grocery shopping is one of my favorite activities and I find it calming and relaxing. What's not to like about buying food?

Some clean cut Phillipino frocery clerk came around the corner on the cereal aisle and surprised me, gave me a HUGE smile, grabbed my cart, gave it a hearty smack and asked me if I was finding everything alright. Totally friendly, nice guy I am sure. What did Emily do? I jumped straight up, backed against the cereal and it took every bone in my body to prevent myself from running out of the store and into the parking lot. And I didn't want to touch the cart.

Thursday I was standing in line to check in for the grad group for group therapy and I saw the reflection of a man in a football jersey walking into the building. I started to trigger, hyperventilate, something in the mirror, in his face made me think of Matt and I swirled around and it looked nothing like him but I was SO freaked out standing in line. I stood as far away from him as I possibly could, so far so that I basically wasn't even in line, and I started shaking. His phone went off at one point and I couldn't handle it and I ran/jogged out of there. I couldn't be there. I left. I went to the group and checked myself in at the front desk afterwards. I didn't get to talk in group this week so I couldn't tell anyone about this new weird thing with men and I don't understand it. It confuses me and scares me. After group I had to ride the elevator down (my foot is still broken from walking into that couch the weekend after I found out and I'm still wearing the boot so no stairs for me) and another man from the group got into the elevator with me. I stood there for just a moment and then I dashed out of there too and stood in the bathroom trying to breathe and not panic. Same thing happened in WalMart. Had a breakdown in the chip aisle. Totally overwhwlemed by the presence of men and the loud noises and children around.

And at the same time, going to bed, I laid and there and all I wanted and wished for was for Matt to be there, and to hold me and hug me and to just BE. For everything to be okay and for everything to go away be back how it was. I would give anything to be kept innocent. Why do I have to deal with all of this? Why couldn't I have just loved him, and missed him? But I also know, because of how strong my connection was to him, that if I hadn't know, I never would have let go and I would have waited forever for him, not knowing. I had no doubts. I felt nothing but peace and utter love for our relationship. Now, I am completely lost, befuddled, confused.

My NP (Nurse practitioner) upped my anti-anxiety meds by 50mgs but we have to be careful with the dosage because it has a sedating affect. My sleep schedule is all messed up again but I don't think it's because of the medication because I take the bigger dose of that medication at night...

My dad flies in for his 50th High School Reunion tomorrow, and he wants to see me on Sunday. Honestly, I even feel anxious about being around him. Please help me make it through all of the challenges of this weekend.

By Monday my house has translated from it's current disgusting Hoarders-esque state and made spotless and at a minimum decent enough for my mom with severe rheumatoid arthritus to stay here Monday and Tuesday. I am picking her up at the airport on Monday afternoon. I'm so nervous... I had so many things planned for us to do, I wanted to cook for her, but I am not up to it... I don't want to make her go out to eat because she's on a fixed income and I'm not really in a place to treat. What am I going to do? Offer her some kitty food? We have lots of THAT...

I want my Matty. I just want my Matty to come home. I want all of this stuff to go away. I don't want to deal with it anymore. The man I knew and loved would never have hurt me. He couldn't have done this to me. How could the man that was in that house, the man that stood somewhere with that woman and took vows and was changing diapers and taking the baby to the beach for the first time.... (their desktop background) how could that person be my Matty? That was the life I was supposed to have with him. That was the life I was planning with him. I feel like my life is over again.

Did you ever know someone that just ran away? That just picked up and moved somewhere for no rhyme or reason or plan? I want to just LEAVE and not be here any more. I don't want to be around all of these reminders of him and me and us. I don't want to leave my house... I am afraid to leave my house and yet being in my house is painful because of how much time we spent here. I want to just grab the cats, walk out to my car and leave. But how do you just pick up and leave with no plan or reason or support system?

Colorado always looks so pretty in my mind. Maybe Matty will leave my mind if I go there.

Ugh

I feel tense. Panicky. Overwhelmed. Shakey. I do not feel good. I can feel the tension running through my veins. I am on the verge of a big hysterical fit and I know it. And I am trying to hold it off. It hurts too much to feel it. My whole body has been trembling for the last couple of hours.

I am dreading the wedding I have to work tomorrow. Thank God that it is only 3 hours. That is a small piece of mercy for me. I told the couple I was looking forward to seeing some happy people but really I am just dreading having to put on a fake smiling face for those 3 long hours. I dread it with every fiber of my being and my lower jaw is chattering. I feel sooo tense.

All I want to do is crawl into my car and drive out in the middle of nowhere and I don't know. Rot.

I keep having these flickers and flashes of what happened and how his life must have been going back and forth. And the absurdity of the fact I wrote him love letters with the wrong name on the envelope.

My stomach is churning and I feel like there is electricity is running through my veins. Literally- like I'm being electrocuted. Shakey, trembling, freaked out, tense. I hate this.

You don't want to know what I have been thinking.

But I am going to subject you to it anyway. And I do know how everything sounds... and please try not to worry. I won't do these things. It's just how I feel. It is how I ache right now. I just want to be able to say how I feel. Because it helps people to understand how I am feeling so much better.

Wednesday, the day after was pretty terrible. I wanted to hurt. I couldn't stop crying, or crying out. I fantasized about taking too many pills... drinking nail polish remover... stabbing myself in the legs with a screwdriver... driving my car into a telephone pole on the freeway. Burning myself. Cutting myself. Shaving off all my skin. I wanted so badly for my physical pain to mirror my emotional one.

I had to work very hard, but I took (an appropriate amount) of medicine and went to sleep for several hours. Everything feels differently when you sleep. And my feelings weren't as intense when I woke up. I was by no means in a good place, but I think the immediate danger had passed. The sleep was restless though. I woke up several times and sat straight up in my sleep several times, screaming at the top of my lungs. In my haze I kept thinking someone had broken into my house.

I had a therapy appointment on Thursday. I haven't been sleeping well, obviously. I couldn't fall asleep until well after 5am and set the alarm for 11am so I wouldn't miss my appointment at 1pm. When I woke up it felt too early to get ready since I had no intention whatsoever of showering or changing my clothes. I ended up falling back asleep and waking up at 1pm on the nose. It was a 25 minute drive to the appointment. I had to pay a $50 copay to be seen for the remaining 20 minutes. I told her everything. She was sort of stunned, as have we all been. She just took control though and signed me up for some crisis intervention support out patient therapy thing. It's supposed to be like 3 hours a day. But when Kaiser says 3 hours, it usually means more like 5 hours. I think it's every day. I don't know how long it goes on or anything about it. I just know I felt dumped by my therapist when she said she wouldn't schedule me for another appointment with her until after my class was over. This makes no sense to me.

I keep trying to forget. But if I do, it's only for a few moments before the sound of that door slamming and the glass breaking rip through my ears again.

I still sleep with his shirt. It's all that is left of the man I loved. I hold it and I cry. It smells like him.

I rear-ended a woman today on the street. I was going fast. And not looking. I stood on the brakes but it wasn't enough and I hit her. We pulled over and there was virtually no damage at all to either of our cars. Some bird poop from my car to hers had been smeared on her bumper but that seemed to be it. It is amazing there was no damage. I was probably going 40mph and she was completely stopped.

She told me it was ok and I could go and I guess I started to get teary eyed and she said, "Oh, honey, no! Don't cry! It's ok!" And she grabbed me. And then I just started telling her everything. What he had done. What I felt I had to do. How much pain I was in. And I cried, and cried. She said to me she didn't know about me but she was a Christian and she told me to sit down on the hood of my car and we talked. If angels exist... I surely met one today. What happened on the side of the road today was nothing but... I don't know. An unbelievable act of kindness on her part.

I can't remember everything she said, even from the moment the conversation ended I was already fading, but the feeling of how important that conversation was stayed. The one thing she did stay that I managed to hold on to, was how there was a purpose and plan for everything, and that this was supposed to happen. It happened to teach me something. She said that the person I was in love with was no different than a character in a play or an actor in a movie. But that didn't mean he didn't care either. That after so much time together, it hard to believe anyone wouldn't care at that point. And that what this taught me, was the person I thought he was, is the person I am supposed to be with. That the image he portrayed to me is who I want in a partner, and that is my match. And I won't take anything less than that now that I know.

That's what she said. I can't believe it now. But I do hear it. And I will remember it. Right now, to trust anyone anymore is not possible. He even lied to me about his name. I have a stack of love letters here for him that he hadn't picked up yet. They are all address to Matt Timmons. Or Matthew J. Timmons. His real last name is Matthew D. Langford. Even his name was a lie. How?