AHHHHHH!

I HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How dumb are they to accept my application? lol Don't they know I'm crazy? Oh, wait... did I forget to mention that?

::happy dance::

Afraid

I'm afraid to go to bed because as soon as I get in there I'll be alone with my thoughts and my thoughts upset and scare me. I don't want to think about him or it.

I got a letter from Kaiser. My insurance will be canceled as of January 1st. I have been on a discounted student program type thing for the last 4 years. You start out only paying 20% of the actual cost of your coverage. The next year you pay 40%, then 60%, this year I paid 80%. It's supposed to like... wean you into adulthood or something. I thought I would just be graduated into full coverage or something, but apparently they just terminate you from the program with a letter, buh-bye. The first letter had no explaination and I freaked. I just got another one today and that had one additional sentence of explaination, which said that you can only be on the 80% plan for 1 year and then you can't be in the Steps program anymore, so you will need to find other coverage. And it provided a number to call if you would like to talk to a rep about being covered through Kaiser, or if you suspect Kaiser is dumping you because you have health issues. (Which I found amusing to be included in this letter. lol)

Can you say STRESSED?

Stressed spelled backwards is Desserts. That is the only explaination I have for eating an entire large size bag of mixed dark chocolate and milk chocolate mini reese's over the last 2 days or whatever. 3 days I guess because I bought them on Monday... or was it Sunday? I don't even know when I bought them.

I have a sore throat. How can I get sick when I don't go anywhere or do anything or see anyone?

I don't want to be by myself and I am afraid to leave my desk and go to bed because I am afraid of letting my mind not be busy with other things. Thinking about what happened is getting so upsetting and overwhelming I can't cope with it. And I don't want to. I need to do something else or go some place else or run away. I just want it all to go away. I'm not sleeping well anymore. Did I tell you that already? I'm having nightmares and waking up a lot. I've been forgetting to take my medication a lot. I can't remember if I've taken it and I'm afraid to take it in case I already have. It's so hot in my house and I'm afraid to sleep with the windows open because I don't feel safe. I don't want to turn the air or fan on because I don't feel like I can afford it.

Off to bed.

The dough that doesn't rise.

This is me.



I am bread dough.



But I am jacked up bread dough.



Because I don't rise.



I just get blobbier.

A sticky, blobby, blubbery mess of goop that never rises or grows and just gets messier every day.

That is what I have turned in to. That's what I feel like every day...

*

I weighed myself again. I lost some more. Not too much. So, I guess that is okay.

Still on the wonderbread diet. Amazing, all these weeks later and turkey sandwiches on wonderbread just really doesn't get old. How is that possible?

Practical advice time:

I am having trouble filling out the Kaiser paperwork... I have to call and ask them questions. This is difficult because all I want to do is go back to bed and sleep and cry. So is it worth the effort of filling it out? Probably, but it is going to take me awhile to get it filled out. I need to present bank statements and show how much I have paid out of pocket to my HMO in the last year. How exactly to do that I have no idea...

Anyway the question is do I go to my groups this week? It will cost me $50 to go to both... One is an anxiety class, that is Thursday, and the other is a support group for depression, that is Friday. I honestly feel completely incapable of making descions. I was going to email my therapist since she runs the second group and knows about my money problem, but they don't usually tell you what to do... I have been much, much weepier this week than I have been since I don't know when. I just think of him all day long. Hold his shirt. Cry. Miss him. Want it to all go away. Go to sleep... Wonder what the point is in doing anything at all anyway...

Not that I am anticipating this as being an issue any time soon, especially since I am flirting with agoraphobia (where you're afraid of leaving the house), but I still want something prepared, so I can have a long time to think about it and be prepared. What if somebody asks me out or tries to set me up? I don't know what to say. A man approached me at a wedding the weekend before last and was trying to talk to me about my camera and I was super panicky. There wasn't anything wrong with him; he was nicely dressed, attractive, there alone, but he scared the crap out of me and I didn't know how to get away from him. Under ordinary circumstances I would just chit chat, mention my sweetheart at home, flash my ring, and move along. This time I felt trapped. Since most of my friends still think Matt and I are together (as far as I know anyway... I haven't said anything to them) I don't anticipate it being an issue immediately but I want to be prepared. What do I say or do?

I almost cried in the line at Walmart yesterday. Some middle aged guy tried to stand super close next to me when I was putting my stuff on the conveyor and I asked him to move away and he wouldn't. I actually picked up the cart and pushed it inbetween us to get him to move away from me and he wouldn't. I was pinned against the check out thing and between my cart and people were staring and the guy was some kind of Eastern European and I couldn't understand what he was saying and I started getting so upset and everybody was staring.... Finally the checker realized that the guy had been at the counter before trying to buy something else earlier and had had an issue and that's why he was up so close. I don't know why he didn't just go up to the checker and why he was standing next to my hip like that and touching me but it scared me and startled and upset me. I think the language thing was the primary problem. The checker apologized... I really don't want to feel this way or to experience this stuff. I don't want to go in public and be afraid. I don't want to be upset all the time! I don't want to cry because some guy stands too close to me in line at WalMart.

What happened to me?

Emily's terrible, no good, very bad day.

First, for anybody that missed it, or has any questions or comments regarding pictures, please read the comments from my last post. I seriously can't handle any more discussion on that front because it is too upsetting.



Today was a really terrible, no good very bad day... someone just reminded me of that book and well, it's currently the theme of my life so why not make it a blog title?



I had some serious mental breakdowns in the last 24 hours regarding my fianances and trying to get help for myself. I realized I'm paying right around $500 out of pocket in co-pays, fees, etc for Kaiser this month ALONE. Did I mention that (despite the fanciness of my work blog and being published and all) I haven't had income in months and I am living on my savings? So every penny that I am paying out trying to help myself dig out of this pit of hell is really just digging me deeper in, because once I run out of money, where am I supposed to go? A cardboard box? What am I supposed to do, be the bag lady with a couple of cats loitering around the target parking lot?



Anyway, I engaged in several hysterical crying phone calls, which decrased in hysteria with each following call I made, but still. I don't know how I'm supposed to pay for all of this. They have me in all of these classes and support groups and I have to go in and see the N.P. and have my medication monitored, all of which costs a crapload of money. I finally found private counseling! Oh yeah! Great, right? With an intern! So it's cheap, right? Nope! $40 a session! That's only $10 less than Kaiser, and when I realized on Thursday afternoon just how much money I had paid in copays this week alone (over $100) I instantly wanted to cancel that therapy appointment that I have tried for so many weeks to get- But on, no! They have a required 24 hours cancelation policy so I couldn't cancel it! So there's another $40! I burst into tears as soon as I got in her office but she didn't offer me any concessions. My mom (who is a therapist) made the comment that when she was an intern (which wasn't all that long ago mind you) that she didn't get paid at all, so this intern who had told me she gets less than half of what I pay her... well, is that my problem?! But now what am I supposed to do?



I had another meltdown in the depression group I went to today about it as well. I tried to find the leader to talk to her about this before I paid to see if she thought I should stay or not and I couldn't find her and I didn't know what to do so I went down and paid- well I guess I forgot my credit card because all I had was my debit. I charge EVERYTHING. I charge it so I can juggle it for a few months, and because I need to reserve every penny of cash I have for things I have to pay in cash- like rent. And I had to pay for the freaking class in cash.




Then when I got back up to the room there were a bunch of men in there. I don't know if I have mentioned this already on the blog but I have been having major issues being around men- being around any man in general is triggering anxiety and panic attacks. The second I got back in the room and realized there were men in there I wanted to run back out screaming.



I don't know what I am supposed to do with myself.


The positive thing about group though was that instead of talking about my big issues, I talked about this money thing, and somebody told me Kaiser has special programs for people in financial crisis. I went to member services after the meeting and first stated to the rep how embarrassed I was to be there, said I needed help, and promptly then burst into tears becoming instantly incomprehendable. The person got the gist and got me the paperwork. They said it was okay and everything would be okay and it wasn't a big deal to ask for help and I just needed to get some paperwork together to verify I don't have any income coming in and to mark all of the papers as urgent and get it in the mail as quickly as possible. So I have the papers, but when I read through the directions myself there are a few more things I need and some things I'm not sure how to fill out or answer.





(Like, I'm supposed to total the amount I have paid out of pocket to Kaiser in the last year. But my credit card, being retarded, only lets you search statements from the last 90 days, so how the freak am I supposed to comb through all these statements and tally it up, and how am I supposed to tell the different between a copay and me buying chapstick in the pharmacy?)





I feel really overwhelmed. This is good, but I am so incredibly overwhelmed and I feel like I don't know if I can do it. I know I have to, but it's just so much.





And now the real reason why I sat down to write tonight and the only thing I intended on sharing with you all when I started typing:





All day, all evening, all I am thinking about, dreaming, day dreaming, fantasizing about... I miss him. I just miss him. I miss how he smells. How he laughs and teased me. How he hugged me and cuddled into the side of my face. I miss wrestling and playing with him. I miss holding his hand. I miss his arms around me. He used to spend so much time just looking at me in the face, looking me in the eye. Just happy. We'd just look at each other. We were so happy. I loved him so much. I love him so much. I miss how he would hug me and pull me into the middle of his chest and I would feel so small and so protected with him there. I miss standing on tip toe to kiss him. I miss hearing him tell me how much he loved me.





I just miss him. I would give anything if I could just have my life back; if my Matty could come home to me and none of this had ever happened or had ever been true. If he had just been the person he said he was, the person he always was with me, and the man I loved so much and admired with every part of my being.

I miss him, and I love him so much.