Filed and Soon to be Served

I wish it was easier to post on this thing, but I have two accounts on blogger and it's just a big pain. I also wish I could talk out loud in my car and it would automatically write it into my blog. I do all my best writing in my head, in my car.

'Cause that makes a super lot of sense.

Case got re-filed on time, with all of the info and all of the documents. It is a HUGE mo-fo, with the points and authorities (my story) taking up like 20 pages double spaced. Then there is 8 attachments. Fabulous. Will anyone even read this thing?

It was so huge I found I missed at least one grammatically error by my attorney (or something written so sophisticated I can't understand it. One or the other.) that I meant to fix, and missed, and at least two other weird things or typos I did. Also just bad writing. The darn thing was just too big and I didn't have enough time and I didn't know what I was doing.


I did my best.

My friend who volunteered (with glee) to serve him found that he is no longer with the Fairfield office, where he was when we were together. I initially theorhized they had dumped him/gotten rid of him. Sadly this proably isn't the case because while we tracked him down (my friend called like 5 CHP offices trying to find him and he wasn't on any manifest. Finally some helpful lady who actually had been FRIENDS with the douchbag when he worked in SF -- apparently that part of his story was true, he did work in San Fran once-- found him on a transfer manifest for Woodland.... 10 minutes from my house. Great.)

We went to serve his work and they didn't know who he was, and then somebody remembered! Oh! New guy. Starts on on the 31st.

While the Fairfield office said he hadn't worked there in "a long time," he wasn't yet at Woodland, so he was probably on vacation or leave or whatever, so probably not dumped by Fairfield, probably just managed to finally get that transfer he wanted.

We will make sure that much coveted transfer he wanted goes super smoothly and he is oh-so welcomed on his first day of work when we serve him there. Have fun doo-doo head.  I hope your new boss enjoyes reading about how you tackled and handcuffed a cvilian for your own entertainment.

And BY THE WAY. If he gets found liable on the fraud, he won't be able to testify as a police officer. There's some law. I had heard that, but a judge I was talking to at the park this week said she has the thing on her desk right now and she'll bring it to me.

Why I want to go to court.

My new attorney (NA) has been doing legal research on my case, and working with a few other attorneys and came to me a couple of days ago and said, basically, what he did was wrong, unethical and inhumane, but to make a case for it in court would be really hard- I'd probably lose. Why did I want to go to court?

For the record, I've said to her repeatedly I am totally fine with "losing."

Because no matter what the judge decides, I'm not really going to lose. I won the day I got my suit filed. That is the day I won. The day a public record was begun of the things this man has done.

This is why I want to go to court:

1.) I WANT TO TELL MY STORY. 

 I want to stand up and speak in an articulate way and speak about the outrageous things he did. I want to be heard. More specifically, I want to be heard by a person of authority. That is how our society works. The biggest person I can "tell on " him to is a judge. Ta-da! Even if there is limited (or no) case law to back up our biggest torts, someone with authority will know he sucks as a human being. I win again.

2.)  I WANT TO CONFRONT HIM.

I never got the chance in the house, or in the hours leading up to that moment to confront him with all that he had done. By going to court, I get to stand there and talk about all of the crap he did and he can't say a damn thing. NOT ONE THING. The only person who can interrupt me is the judge. Which is fine, because we'll already have my story written out for him ahead of time. But I'll get at least a couple of minutes to stand there, be put together and call him an asshole, in a polite, legalese type of way. (A tortfeasor. THIS MAN IS A TORTFEASOR YOUR HONOR! Okay, I won't, but I'll be thinking it.)

3.) CREATING A DETERRENT

Thus far, Matt has had really no reason to not do this again. He kept his job, his wife decided really this was no big deal (they were pregnant again within 2 months) and basically, he wasn't punished at all. The bottom line is, you can do anything you want to anyone, and you'll suffer no consequences.

Until now.

Matt, you messed with the wrong lady.

Hell hath NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN SCORNED.

I want to make sure he does not do this again. I want to create a deterrant and a motivator for him to not ever, EVER do this again to any living creature. I want him to recognize in that pea-sized brain of his that what he did was WRONG WRONG WRONG and he cannot do this, and IF he does this, he will regret it. If nothing else, he will suffer the annoyances of arguments with his spouse, the financial burden of hiring an attorney, the pain of driving to court and the humiliation of having his actions listed out in public. Hopefully, this is enough.

If it's not, there's always LIFETIME.  Or, I hear you can publish your own books on Amazon now.

4.) PROTECTING OTHER WOMEN

This is what is most important. I want to create a public record of his actions. Granted, Matt used a fake name with me, but when I looked him up, he was clean as a whistle. Hopefully next time he won't be so dumb as to use a fake name and a fake name tag. If he uses his real name, and tries to victimize another woman, I want her protected him. If she gets on google, I want hell to open up and for him to be swallowed whole. A couple of weeks before I filed my citizen's complaint, someone else apparently filed a federal lawsuit against Matt for violating their civil rights. (It's called a 1983 violation). It's common, I think with police officers, but I think it's less common for someone to actually file the lawsuit. This now comes up as a search result even though the person was not successful because they, too had a loser attorney.  (He had a disciplinary action from the bar on his record- I know, I checked).  But it's there. I want this on there too. If he tries to go after someone else, if she does some digging, I want her to be able to find this. It may not come up easily, but I want it to be there.  I want to protect other women from being harmed like I was.  I may not be able to send him to jail, but maybe I can still do something.  This hurt me so much at first to hear, but it is probably true: I was not the first and I was not the last. He is a sociopath. There will be more. And if I don't speak up, who will?

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These are the reasons why I want to go to court. If you notice, none of them have anything to do with winning money. That would be nice. And I do believe I have the right to be restored to the position I was in prior to his fraud. However, that's not my primary objective. As long as I get to stand up in court, I'm good. We've got to get him served, and I've got to hold it together in the hallway for probably hours beforehand before our case is called. All cases are set for the same day of the week and the same time, so they'll probably have 20 cases set for the same time, and we'll have to sit there together, and I will have to not freak out. That's going to be hard. So far, my mom has said she would come, my NA has said she would try to take the morning off work. I wish you all would come and be with me too. The more people there, the better. I would give anything for you all to come. ANYTHING. I don't want to be there alone.

It guess it's over. (They finished the investigation.)

The sergeant hasn't even sent me back the corrected statement yet. How can they be finished with it? Don't I have to sign it first?

The fact it says in this letter that it will be kept on file for five years says to me he will be keeping his job. I didn't know this was coming, in fact, this was postmarked August 31st, and I just got it out of the post box today, Sept 5th. When I picked it up and felt how thin it was... I felt worried. How can they be done when I haven't signed anything? When they made all those mistakes in the report? I haven't even heard back from the sergeant yet.  And it's over. This is it. This is all I get. I can't even get my friends to help me or return my calls, let alone the highway patrol or law offices. It just makes me want to give up... on everything. What's the use? There is no mention of the cuffing incident, or the forgeries, which I realize where off-duty but they included them in the report, so why include them at all? I feel so violated and just, abandoned, by everybody. My friends can't even deal with me.  I don't even want to deal with me anymore. Because I can't even help myself. It's over and there is no relief.

Another not so good night.

I don't want to go to bed.

I don't want to watch tv.

I don't want to mess around online.

I don't want to read or respond to yet another email I received this week from an attorney who will not help or even meet with me.

I don't know what to do.

I am totally overwhelmed and frustrated.

I don't know how to make sure Matt gets what he deserves.

I feel like I have to carry the burden of HIS mistakes, HIS poor choices and HIS sociopathy every day.

I feel like I always will, unless I can find a way to make sure he is punnished for what he did.

Reading about this... I don't think he should keep his job. This officer committed one embarrassing, semi-atrocious act. Matt committed more than I can count.

I need help. I don't know what to do. No one will help me. Everyone is too busy, doesn't do that, wrapped up in their own stuff, or too overwhelmed by me to even talk to me.

A friend of mine, a GOOD friend, a best friend, who has never really had a full discussion about what happened this last year with me because she has had too much of her own stuff going on, felt the need to tell me she wanted to just shake me and tell me to get over it. That I was "too smart, too pretty" to waste my life on having panic attacks in the grocery store. I didn't even know what to say.

In therapy, my therapist asked what I thought about that and I just shook my head and said that all that meant to me was that this was another person who did not know how to handle a big emotional trauma and was not someone I could speak to about it.  The therapist agreed... that is not how these things work. I am not behind the curve, these are not things you just "get over" and when you have an anxiety disorder, when you have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and suffer flashbacks, you can't just "snap out of it" and wake up one day and have it all go away and be honky dory. I'm not that person anymore. Yeah, this is pretty much all my life is about right now.  Because that's all I have room for right now. I have to take care of me. All of this is just part of taking care of me. I can't do any part of this any faster than how I am.  I am right where I am supposed to be. As MUCH as I hate that. (And I truly, hate it.) But this is where I am supposed to be.

But I also need help to move forward, and I don't know how to get it. I feel trapped. I always feel trapped, but today especially, I feel like a little animal running 'round in a tiny cage. Subject to the miserable world around me.