Mom's Visit and I "come out"

Daniel left for Yosemite the next morning, and the next day my mom came to visit for her 50th high school reunion. (Some insanely high number.)

While this blog may speak otherwise, I am a pretty private person, and I do not share the details of my dating life or personal life with my family- basically, at all. They really only become aware of things by accident, snooping, or because I am experiencing some sort of mental break. Because of the sequence of events that took place when I dated Matt, I really wanted to try hard to involve them when I met somebody special the next time around. When I met Daniel, I called my dad after our second date (on the way to a wedding no less) and told him about this great guy I met and how things had been going. My dad was positive, delighted, and we had a great conversation about it. I was pleased at how easy he made it. (I expected otherwise.)

Now about 3 weeks-5 weeks in, depending on when you started counting (first correspondence? Or first date?) I figured mentioning it to my mom in person was probably the way to go. Especially since I really didn't want to do it at all, but since she would be there in person, I should just do it.

I think we went to lunch at Jack's Urban Eats, which is actually a spot Daniel and I loved grabbing take out later on when he was studying a lot at home and didn't really have time for a dinner date out, so I was a little shy about bringing my mom there. Like, I was taking her to a place where I was doing naughty things or something! But anyway, that's where we went, and about halfway through lunch, she rather curiously said, "So what's new with you?" As if she already knew I had been making out and pouring my heart and soul out to this music-crazed, tattooed, rugby playing, motorcycle-riding, man-child already.

And with a deep gulp, I said, "I started dating somebody."

I swear to you on a stack of self help books her eyes bugged so far out of her head she 1.) looked like a Pug and 2.) I thought she was going to choke on her lunch.

It took her a minimum of 60 seconds to somewhat compose herself and I again, swear to you, she looked so rattled it was hard not to laugh. I imitated her entire reaction to every person I possibly could for the next week.

I think after all was said and done after Matt, she never really thought I'd put myself out there again. And she just didn't really see that one coming. Or maybe she just didn't think I'd ever tell her. I don't know.

But she asked the usual questions about his bio, of which I gave a glowing report and she unsuccessful tried to restrain her glee. When I showed her a picture she burst out laughing. She liked his smile but the way the photo was cropped she initially thought he was bald. I dug up a second photo to prove that no, my 27 year old cub maybe-boyfriend did actually have a full head of beautiful brown hair, thank you. She asked me how many times we had gone out and I told her we had seen each other basically every day since we met and again, her reaction was over the top. She was very excited. I was very excited too, but I tempered my responses back to her with a "Well, we'll see what happens." Several times she asked to meet him and THANK GOD is all I can say is that he was out of town. I have this gut instinct she would have pawed him like a hungry tiger, but now in retrospect... nobody close to me got to meet him as my significant other and that's a milestone I missed. Because I was proud of him. I wanted to show off this little (ok, huge, tall, towering giant of a tree-man) darling of mine.

The advantage to that I suppose is, he was all mine for the time I had him. I might not have gotten to show him off, but he was all mine for every second we were together. Regardless of what he believed about possession in relationships. Emily doesn't like to share her very favorite things.

Having my mom there that weekend helped pass the time a little more quickly, as my wedding season had JUST ended, and spending every day with Daniel up to that point, or working left my days glaringly empty except for editing alone at home. I had plenty of that to do, but it was back to the isolating grind, which is something I pretty much detest. Daniel had no reception the entire time he was in Yosemite so we had no contact for almost 5 days, which was pretty much torture and I missed him terribly. Having mom there, tense relationship or not, helped.

The other component to this weekend, which is not really on point to this story, was some family history stuff came up between my mom and I. Not stuff I'm comfortable writing about, but extremely upsetting stuff that I wasn't aware of. Stuff she thought I knew about, but actually didn't, and I ended up having to pull over on the side of the freeway as I drove her to the airport at the end of the weekend to talk about. It was rough and I felt very drained trying to process it. I was anxious for Daniel to come back and for things to get back to normal, and also for my wedding season to TRULY end (editing and all) so I could focus on the job hunt and really use this fancy master's degree I worked so hard to get!

Today is the big day.

This morning I will be going in for my interview with two of the investigating sergeants. We are meeting at an engineering firm in a business/industrial district that has no affiliation with the CHP or the state as far as I can tell. I have no idea how they managed to coordinate doing this interview on private property. It is pretty strange.

My mother flew in this afternoon and will be there for at least part of the interview for moral support. I asked the sergeant if it was okay that she be there and he was actually really negative and discouraged her presence. This was primarily due to the same concerns I had- that I would hold back or edit myself in front of her; their concerns were about being able to ask me absolutely anything they wanted to, apparently. (Whatever that means?) He also said she absoutely cannot speak or emotionally react to anything that is said, that I can't be comforting or dealing with her. There are honestly some things I really don't want to talk about in front of her and have debated about her presence. I have a friend who I really, REALLY wanted there (Al) but she can't because she's not local so I guess I should be grateful my mom could be there.

Mormon missionaries stopped by today while I was going through old letters between Matt and I. I thought the timing funny.

Having some problems with my mom triggering anxiety episodes in me. My mom is conservative and proper, but at the same time I'm her adult daughter, so she thinks certain things are okay to do in front of me and they just really upset me. Like she started changing her clothes in front of me. And her feet were bothering her after she got up from a nap and so she was trying to stretch them and they were up in the air, and it just was a very awkward body position.... She also has this habit of always sitting in the car with her hand between her knees/thighs and because her legs are so short, it has always bothered me just because of how it looks, even though she is just tucking her hand between her knees to keep it warm as a habit. Like someone would sit on their hands. All of these things, together and as a whole, all trigger red flags of *SEXUALITY*  and completely and totally freak me out. Honestly, when she started to change her clothes I cried and had to stand up and face the wall and ask her to stop. I felt like a lunatic. Like, seriously, it's my mom changing clothes to go to the dog park. Or she's stretching her leg. Or warming her hand, and it all means, like nothing, but when I see those things, instead of seeing normal things someone does in private, my whole body freaks out and screams something sexual is going on and I need to run away because something very bad and very wrong is happening. It is totally and absolutely because of Matt.

We had this little breakthrough over the weekend, I remembered this instance when I had hugged Matt when he was on duty and he had his bullet proof vest on and he made kind of an "Awwww, shucks!" noise and I asked him what was wrong and he said because of his vest he couldn't feel my body the same way when he hugged me. Basically, he made hugging, a totally normal, platonic, but loving act as partly sexual. This is probably why hugging has been such a trigger to me and why it upsets me so much. My sister's long term boyfriend/partner hugged me goodbye over Christmas and I had a panic attack in the car and couldn't stop wiping my chest, like I couldn't get myself clean, I couldn't get the flithy shame and dirt off my body even though nothing happened... that it was innocent.  I've progressed to the point where I can tolerate a hug without the other person realizing how upset I am (this is primarily with men) and keep calm, but in my head, it is all hysteria still. But outwardly, I am handling it much better these last few months.

Anyway, going through all those letters and papers the last couple of days in preparation of this, and it bringing all of that stuff up again and basically triggering it. So my mom doing those things is absolutely making me hysterical. I am so grossed out and feel dirty and want to scream. For absolutely ridiculous, nonsense reasons.  Just don't ever put on a sweatshirt or something in front of me or brush your hair or I might pass out in terror thinking you're trying to assault me.  I mean, come on! But... I am so serious. I feel sick, I feel so disgusting.

My therapist said (before my mom even got here or any of those things happened) that I am just being triggered right and left because of the interview. I spent the last 24 hours trying to confirm the person doing the interview really is who he says he is. I couldn't find him on the state's website and I was having these overwhelming feelings of paranoia that he wasn't a real police officer, because why else couldn't I find him on the website? After spelling his name about 20 different ways I finally got it to come up, but it really didn't provide any relief in my anixety.

I am just so afraid for tomorrow. (/This morning)

Wordless Wednesday: Thanksgiving

Don't worry... the nest had already been long abandoned and the eggs were frozen solid! Tootie thought they smelled delightful though!

November in Oregon

In November I went to visit my Mom in Oregon for just over two weeks. It was hard. I hard a hard time being around the men in my family and had to have a "coversation" with my mom about it before I came to visit about not being touched or hugged and despite that I still have some conflict with her about it. Since she has been with her partner/common-law husband/signigicant other she has started praying by holding hands with everyone at the table. This is a problem for me. First, I don't pray this way. Also, it forces me to pray with them. Additionally, it draws huge attention to the fact that I can't bring myself to touch Tony's hand while we pray before the meal. I cried at the table twice before my Mom finally realized how upset I was over it. And this was with Tony sticking up for me. Once we got past this it was pretty smooth sailing though.

Granny got Amelia a mirror.... okay she gave me her mirror but Amelia really liked it. What can I say? She's a girl!

I also gained 17 pounds while I was there. My mom got me off the turkey sandwiches and I had constant stomach aches the whole time from the dietary changes. I spent a good chunk of time running to the bathroom after every meal in agonizing pain, and yet I somehow still gained 17 pounds from my mother force feeding me. (Guilt-feeding me? "You have to eat more! It's not healthy to eat like that!" Mom, I can't fit into my pants now!)

My cats came with me on the trip which was 9 hours each way in the car and it went pretty well. They had fun and they got to see snow for the first time. Amelia was NOT a fan of my mom's dog, but Tootie and Buck were doing tricks together after an hour of knowing each other. ("Sit!" Amazing trick for a cat, huh?)

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Look at those happy feet!


We used the next two on Christmas cards. I did the camera settings and my mom snapped the shots.

HUCKLEBERRY HOUND!

First off, my mom is doing ok, and is staying at a hotel for now. The insurance agent came by today and said they they are going to replace the fireplace, walls (it's burned in between the walls), carpet, all of the hardwood floors, and some other things. Also the house has to be treated for smoke damage. The fire investigator hasn't been out yet, so they can't close up the hole yet.

Here are some pictures of the damage she sent me:














OK, next up, I made Parisian Macaroons for the first time! Everybody says how difficult they are to make but I did not think they were that bad and they were by far the most tasty, delicious, delightful, wonderful cookie I have ever had in my life. They are so light and fluffy... oooh!

I just followed the recipe on Martha Stewart's website, and then I added purple dye to the batter, and then I put huckleberry preserves in between each sandwich instead of her filling. But I plan to make a variety for christmas in different colors. I am not sure how well the cookies will hold up with the preserves in them, so I am putting them on a few tonight, and will see if they survive until morning.