This morning I will be going in for my interview with two of the investigating sergeants. We are meeting at an engineering firm in a business/industrial district that has no affiliation with the CHP or the state as far as I can tell. I have no idea how they managed to coordinate doing this interview on private property. It is pretty strange.
My mother flew in this afternoon and will be there for at least part of the interview for moral support. I asked the sergeant if it was okay that she be there and he was actually really negative and discouraged her presence. This was primarily due to the same concerns I had- that I would hold back or edit myself in front of her; their concerns were about being able to ask me absolutely anything they wanted to, apparently. (Whatever that means?) He also said she absoutely cannot speak or emotionally react to anything that is said, that I can't be comforting or dealing with her. There are honestly some things I really don't want to talk about in front of her and have debated about her presence. I have a friend who I really, REALLY wanted there (Al) but she can't because she's not local so I guess I should be grateful my mom could be there.
Mormon missionaries stopped by today while I was going through old letters between Matt and I. I thought the timing funny.
Having some problems with my mom triggering anxiety episodes in me. My mom is conservative and proper, but at the same time I'm her adult daughter, so she thinks certain things are okay to do in front of me and they just really upset me. Like she started changing her clothes in front of me. And her feet were bothering her after she got up from a nap and so she was trying to stretch them and they were up in the air, and it just was a very awkward body position.... She also has this habit of always sitting in the car with her hand between her knees/thighs and because her legs are so short, it has always bothered me just because of how it looks, even though she is just tucking her hand between her knees to keep it warm as a habit. Like someone would sit on their hands. All of these things, together and as a whole, all trigger red flags of *SEXUALITY* and completely and totally freak me out. Honestly, when she started to change her clothes I cried and had to stand up and face the wall and ask her to stop. I felt like a lunatic. Like, seriously, it's my mom changing clothes to go to the dog park. Or she's stretching her leg. Or warming her hand, and it all means, like nothing, but when I see those things, instead of seeing normal things someone does in private, my whole body freaks out and screams something sexual is going on and I need to run away because something very bad and very wrong is happening. It is totally and absolutely because of Matt.
We had this little breakthrough over the weekend, I remembered this instance when I had hugged Matt when he was on duty and he had his bullet proof vest on and he made kind of an "Awwww, shucks!" noise and I asked him what was wrong and he said because of his vest he couldn't feel my body the same way when he hugged me. Basically, he made hugging, a totally normal, platonic, but loving act as partly sexual. This is probably why hugging has been such a trigger to me and why it upsets me so much. My sister's long term boyfriend/partner hugged me goodbye over Christmas and I had a panic attack in the car and couldn't stop wiping my chest, like I couldn't get myself clean, I couldn't get the flithy shame and dirt off my body even though nothing happened... that it was innocent. I've progressed to the point where I can tolerate a hug without the other person realizing how upset I am (this is primarily with men) and keep calm, but in my head, it is all hysteria still. But outwardly, I am handling it much better these last few months.
Anyway, going through all those letters and papers the last couple of days in preparation of this, and it bringing all of that stuff up again and basically triggering it. So my mom doing those things is absolutely making me hysterical. I am so grossed out and feel dirty and want to scream. For absolutely ridiculous, nonsense reasons. Just don't ever put on a sweatshirt or something in front of me or brush your hair or I might pass out in terror thinking you're trying to assault me. I mean, come on! But... I am so serious. I feel sick, I feel so disgusting.
My therapist said (before my mom even got here or any of those things happened) that I am just being triggered right and left because of the interview. I spent the last 24 hours trying to confirm the person doing the interview really is who he says he is. I couldn't find him on the state's website and I was having these overwhelming feelings of paranoia that he wasn't a real police officer, because why else couldn't I find him on the website? After spelling his name about 20 different ways I finally got it to come up, but it really didn't provide any relief in my anixety.
I am just so afraid for tomorrow. (/This morning)
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Thinking of you today, Emily. You are stronger than you think, and you can do this. I have to admit, I'm having a little anxiety for you. Having to relive this out loud won't be easy (I know). I'll say a prayer for you that this can be a step towards healing.
You are probably already done with the interview, I hope you were able to convey the information that you wanted them to have in a way that they understood the seriousness of his actions.
I know this couldn't have been easy no matter where it took place or who could have been there with you, but this is another huge step in the healing process. I hope they move quickly with their disciplinary action so you can feel some closure in this area.
Post a Comment