Financial Freedom

Source: https://www.etsy.com/listing/62656464/unless-life-also-hands-you-water-and?ga_search_query=lemonade

My finances have been incredibly stressful lately. I'm not really sure what's going on, but business has plummeted. I'm just not receiving the volume of inquiries I used to. It's gone on for so long that I've depleted my savings and gotten myself into real trouble. I always pay off my credit cards every month and I've had to dial back in order to conserve the limited funds I had left. I was looking at a savings account balance of only $1500 total and I was going to be in real trouble. I moved some things around, took some penalties and reserved some savings, but I really didn't have much left.

I also made some big sacrifices and changes.

My biggest regret is not recognizing how much of a difference those changes would make and that I could have made them sooner and made my savings last a whole lot longer.

I've recognized a few bad habits in myself that really suck up my finances:

Wasteful grocery spending
Fast food expenditures
Take out
Online shopping

This accounted for HUGE charges every month. Like dramatic charges. I don't have exact numbers for you but it was A LOT. In the hundreds, at least.

I completely banned all online shopping period, all fast food, all take out, all unnecessary driving, and strategically planned my trips to the grocery store to coincide when I would be in that area. I had hoped to get my grocery bill down to $25 a month. (From like, I'm sure $300+ or something insane. I have absolutely no idea. I just bought whatever.)

How on earth could I do that?

Well, first of all, I started eating all that expired food out of my freezer. That was #1.

#2, I stopped shopping at the grocery store. I switched entirely to Grocery Outlet, which is much, MUCH cheaper, and I'm shopping on a $25 budget, which I actually stuck to. I didn't make it a month, I made it about 2 weeks, but when I went back to the store, I shopped with $11 in cash I had found somewhere and only spent that on milk and fruit to tide me over.

I think I'm going to come in somewhere around $100 (possibly under) or something on groceries for the month, which, granted is not $25, but it's better than $300. And I have virtually eliminated all other expenditures which has been a huge help. That also included cat litter, cat food, and some medications. (And chocolate. I cracked.)

I'm still working on my credit cards, which is a problem since I don't have much coming in and am not re-cooping my savings and I'm going to have a huge tax bill. I feel like other people look at my savings accounts and think- oh, that's plenty of money. But you have to remember- I DONT GET A PAYCHECK. I have no idea when the next time I will get paid is! It's not like I can wait 2 weeks and I'll get another check. Even if a client is under contact and "supposed" to pay me on such and such date- there's no guarantee that will really happen. Couples break up, they cancel dates. Nothing is real until that check clears.  And then, that money goes in savings, straight away. I really need $10k+ in savings to be able to sleep at night. Because that's enough money to go 3 months without receiving any income at all and be totally okay, and in my industry, that's pretty much the norm. I booked a wedding last month, and I booked one in December. That's it. That's all I've done in the last 3 months. And the one I booked last month hasn't paid yet, she's on a payment plan. It's INCREDIBLY stressful.

As a sole proprietor, my dad and I figured out I get taxed at almost 40%. WTF?!

Having $1500, or $3k in the bank means I have one month until I live in a cardboard box. I can't o that!!!! I have to have WAY more than that in the bank to be safe! I can't even RISK it getting down that low! Right now, my tax bill alone far exceeds those amounts, so between that and my bills for next month so I am so deep in the red my dad actually offered me my inheritance. (I declined.)

I'm proud that I buckled down and decreased my expenses. I'm not spending as much. Excellent.
I got my gym membership decreased by $15 a month. Cable went down by $35 a month. Photo forum canceled- that's $15 a month saved. Phone plan changed, that saved $70 a month. I considered canceling all of these things, and actually made the calls and tried to do so, and burst into tears on the phone with the rep as he went through the motions to do it and I just couldn't handle it. I don't know why, it was like it was too much change or something. I got them all reduced at least, and they promised I could call back at any time and get them all canceled later.

I ran some mini-sessions and a client purchased some extra time for their event and bam- rent for next month got paid. Another client paid her balance. Great. But it's all basically meaningless. Between rent, health insurance, therapy, student loans, car insurance, dog insurance, the credit card, all of the utility bills, the credit card, and the tax bill thus far, I don't have enough. Not even close. I'll be in the negative a couple thousand dollars at least.

But I can't even handle thinking about it because it is SO awful.

I AM proud of all that I have done so far. I am.

And I do have some more things to do.

I need to amend my taxes from last year. This is hugely stressful because it is such a big job. I also can't do it on this computer because the tax program I have to use isn't compatible with Windows 8, so I have to fire up the old back up computer that is packed away. This is going to get started fairly quickly because I want it done before I do my 2012 taxes. Those are mostly done already (hence I already have a good grip on what I owe), but I am hoping what I overpaid in 2011 can be put towards 2012 and help bail me out/break even.  But the whole thing is going to be very complicated. And NO, I'm not going to go to a tax firm/CPA to do it. I store all of my records online, so it's not like I can present a pile of receipts. I do my taxes by logging into 10 different online accounts and inputting it into excel. I'm a nightmare to work with, I'm sure.

There are also some minor money makers in relation to moving that I want to get done.

Selling the dining room table.

Selling the stereo cabinet.

Selling my GRE books and flashcards.

Possibly selling the Piano. (I am realizing it's going to be hard to move, and I am hoping my mom will give me our family piano at some point).


And some general cleaning house things that will make me feel much better:


Dumping the pile of clothes I've slowly been sorting into a bin at Goodwill.

Getting the garbage out of the house

Continuing to get the bathroom clean, sorted and presentable for company

Throwing out my rugs- but probably not until much closer to the actual move so there's no risk of hurting the carpets in the meantime.

Continuing to dump out my huge collection of magazines.

Progress, progress.

I wish I knew why everything has slowed so dramatically so I could fix it. This post ended up sounded incredibly depressing, but I started writing it because I was really proud of myself and I want to repeat that. I am PROUD OF MYSELF! I got into trouble and I am figuring it out. I'm going to keep working to figure it out. I have tightened my belt and I am going to keep tightening it and thinking hard and applying for jobs until I figure this out. I love my job, but I can't help but be resentful of these hoards of people invading our industry, shooting on automatic and charging for their services. I got beat for a wedding job a couple weeks ago because a friend of the bride's "just started" a business and would only charge $500 for unlimited everything. Her pictures suck and she doesn't know what she's doing. I started in the same place, I know, and we all have to start somewhere, but when you're doing this full time, and you're doing it the right way, I can't tell you have frustrating it is to be beat out by someone who does it as a hobby, and has no freaking clue.

Crashed Hardrive Recovery Horror

Late last summer, right before I found out about Matt, I had a hard drive crash on me. It was a 500GB hard drive and it was FULL, completely FULL of client and personal photos.

Luckily, there were only a few images that hadn't been backed up, most were just edits that were totally replaceable and I could do over myself.  (From two specific portrait sessions shot a couple days before the drive crashed. The negatives were all backed up, but not the edits I had done.)

I took the drive to a few places to try and have it repaired, not initially realizing the depth of the issue initially. I called the manufacturer first for help, then called a private tech to look at it, then went to a few computer shops. Each place gave me worst news than the last.

The bottom line was the mechanics of the drive itself had worn out and it couldn't boot up anymore. In order to recover the data from the drive, it had to be disassembled in a "clean room" in a lab. The private tech told me to watch it with who I took it to because he had seen people get quotes as high as $10,000 for that kind of work. He sent me to a couple of underground people he thought might be able to help, but unfortunately, they didn't have the capability to do it safely. (At least they were totally honest and upfront about it.)

After I finished doing all of that running around I exasperatedly threw it on the couch and washed my hands of it. (Plus my finances were in REALLY bad shape. I didn't even have income to pay my rent, let alone some huge repair bill. I was living off my life savings.)

Right around that time, I found out everything about Matt. Then you know, I'm like checking myself into like, psychiatric day care facilities for myself. Awesomeness.

Somewhere in here during the drive crash,  one of my clients/familiy member of a friend notices some pictures are missing from her wedding set. Oh, weird, right? So I go back through them, and guess what? Like, 100 of her pictures which were on that darn disc didnt load on to her website. And they weren't back up before the site crashed. Whereas everything else on the drive had been loaded online so it was backed up. Even if I hadn't burned DVD back ups of everything, I at least had everything stored online on the client's websites. Or so I thought. Well, now there were pictures missing. And they were on this flipping drive.

I went through my computer, recycle bins, memory cards, the website, other client's websites, everything I could think of looking for those darn pictures. And ACTUALLY I did find some of them. But they weren't the pictures the bride was referencing. I found pictures from the wedding in the recycle bin and on a memory card (even though it had been months some how they were still hanging around randomly) but not THOSE particular portraits, which fantastically enough happened to be the posed family and friends portraits. Ugh.

By this time I'm shooting weddings every weekend, in therapy at least 3 times a week and on enough medication to tranq a horse.  I so could not handle all of this. The drive got put on the back burner while I tried to figure out what to do.

Periodically I've called placed and looked up places but alot of places want to ship the drive off to labs in the midwest and it really freaks me out that something woudl happen to it. Not to mention all of the horror stories I've heard. From all the people that have already looked at it, I've already been assured over and over again the data is perfectly fine and safe and can sit there forever like that, it's just the machine that poo-pooed.

As we got closer to the holidays, I got another email from another bride who got married in 2009 and who we did a little trash the dress session the day after her wedding in Carmel. She was going through her master discs and websites and... guess what? The pictures were missing. We both started on this frantic search through everything before finally figuring out those freaking pictures are on THAT drive too! Are you KIDDING me? What's with all this stuff springing up after the fact?

Uggggggh.

So, things have calmed down some, and I am not as out of my mind as I was a few months ago (although I think we all know things aren't great!) so with some encouragement from my friend I got back on the horse and tried to work on this fiasco again.

I revisited the places I had researched the last few months, picked a couple, talked to them all, narrowed it down filled out some paperwork and finally got the darn drive down to their offices for diagnostics exams. They claimed it would take like 2 days.

Here we are a week later I finally get an email back. (Hello? What kind of customer service is that? I think I picked the wrong place!)  Well, diagnostics are done, they're going to recover it, but they won't start it until they have my go ahead.  Because, you know, I have to approve the cost and all.  They gave me a quote.

Are you ready for this?

Are you SURE?

Positive?

...

No backing out now, right?

Are you with me?!





$2,036.00


ARE YOU FLIPPING KIDDING ME?!

I think I'm having palpitations. I emailed him back to clarify exactly what they would be recovering for that amount. (It better be the whole freaking drive and not just the 100 missing pictures!!!!!!!!!!!!) I'm going to die. Earlier today I ran by the boarding facility for the dog, and I kind of made peace with everything for the cost anyway and that it was going to be okay and it would work out fine. Then I got a load of this number. But you know at this point, I kind of want to just chuck my credit card across the counter and be like WHATEVER! FINE! Charge me $2,036 to recover these missing 100 pictures. It was my fault for not double checking these two websites. WHATEVER! You gotta do what you gotta do. You gotta get the pictures back somehow, and how else am I going to do it? These people got the power. They have my drive, they're going to get it back so I have to do it.

But holy FREAKING COW.. how on earth am I ever going to pay that off?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's just so much freaking money, I just... just... I mean... Uhhhhhh?? There's nothing you can do about it.  You just throw the charge card at them and pretend it never hapened. I mean, what else can you do, right? It's so much, it's like, you can't... you can't even connect the dots intellectually to what that even MEANS. It might as well be a million dollars.  I just bought a brand new laptop with a 500GB hardrive, 4 years of McAfee, 3 years of warranty and home repairs service from Dell, yadda yadda yadda. $500. Are you KIDDING me?

I'm gonna go throw up now.

Thank you

I want to say thank you. I want to say thank you to everyone who has tried to be there for me, who has reached out to me, shared their stories and offered your support.

Thank you to the people who prayed for me. Thank you so much to the people who have continued to pray for me.

Some of those prayers have helped me greatly.

In the last week I booked three weddings and I was able to come up with enough money to pay my rent. I also had a friend refer a family client to me, which also helped alot. The weddings are very small, two are elopements, and are taking place in the next couple of weeks, but I am so grateful for the income. Even the fact that they are elopements is something to be thankful for because it is so much less pressure on me emotionally. The third wedding is in November and the couple is taking advantage of some clearance pricing for 2010 weddings I put up to try and drum up some business. They are getting one of my regular packages for almost 50% off. But it is income, and I am so incredibly grateful and thankful and blessed to have received this help right now.

Thank you so much to everyone. And PLEASE keep it up. I still need you so, so much.

But I have a roof over my head for another month because of you.

Emily's terrible, no good, very bad day.

First, for anybody that missed it, or has any questions or comments regarding pictures, please read the comments from my last post. I seriously can't handle any more discussion on that front because it is too upsetting.



Today was a really terrible, no good very bad day... someone just reminded me of that book and well, it's currently the theme of my life so why not make it a blog title?



I had some serious mental breakdowns in the last 24 hours regarding my fianances and trying to get help for myself. I realized I'm paying right around $500 out of pocket in co-pays, fees, etc for Kaiser this month ALONE. Did I mention that (despite the fanciness of my work blog and being published and all) I haven't had income in months and I am living on my savings? So every penny that I am paying out trying to help myself dig out of this pit of hell is really just digging me deeper in, because once I run out of money, where am I supposed to go? A cardboard box? What am I supposed to do, be the bag lady with a couple of cats loitering around the target parking lot?



Anyway, I engaged in several hysterical crying phone calls, which decrased in hysteria with each following call I made, but still. I don't know how I'm supposed to pay for all of this. They have me in all of these classes and support groups and I have to go in and see the N.P. and have my medication monitored, all of which costs a crapload of money. I finally found private counseling! Oh yeah! Great, right? With an intern! So it's cheap, right? Nope! $40 a session! That's only $10 less than Kaiser, and when I realized on Thursday afternoon just how much money I had paid in copays this week alone (over $100) I instantly wanted to cancel that therapy appointment that I have tried for so many weeks to get- But on, no! They have a required 24 hours cancelation policy so I couldn't cancel it! So there's another $40! I burst into tears as soon as I got in her office but she didn't offer me any concessions. My mom (who is a therapist) made the comment that when she was an intern (which wasn't all that long ago mind you) that she didn't get paid at all, so this intern who had told me she gets less than half of what I pay her... well, is that my problem?! But now what am I supposed to do?



I had another meltdown in the depression group I went to today about it as well. I tried to find the leader to talk to her about this before I paid to see if she thought I should stay or not and I couldn't find her and I didn't know what to do so I went down and paid- well I guess I forgot my credit card because all I had was my debit. I charge EVERYTHING. I charge it so I can juggle it for a few months, and because I need to reserve every penny of cash I have for things I have to pay in cash- like rent. And I had to pay for the freaking class in cash.




Then when I got back up to the room there were a bunch of men in there. I don't know if I have mentioned this already on the blog but I have been having major issues being around men- being around any man in general is triggering anxiety and panic attacks. The second I got back in the room and realized there were men in there I wanted to run back out screaming.



I don't know what I am supposed to do with myself.


The positive thing about group though was that instead of talking about my big issues, I talked about this money thing, and somebody told me Kaiser has special programs for people in financial crisis. I went to member services after the meeting and first stated to the rep how embarrassed I was to be there, said I needed help, and promptly then burst into tears becoming instantly incomprehendable. The person got the gist and got me the paperwork. They said it was okay and everything would be okay and it wasn't a big deal to ask for help and I just needed to get some paperwork together to verify I don't have any income coming in and to mark all of the papers as urgent and get it in the mail as quickly as possible. So I have the papers, but when I read through the directions myself there are a few more things I need and some things I'm not sure how to fill out or answer.





(Like, I'm supposed to total the amount I have paid out of pocket to Kaiser in the last year. But my credit card, being retarded, only lets you search statements from the last 90 days, so how the freak am I supposed to comb through all these statements and tally it up, and how am I supposed to tell the different between a copay and me buying chapstick in the pharmacy?)





I feel really overwhelmed. This is good, but I am so incredibly overwhelmed and I feel like I don't know if I can do it. I know I have to, but it's just so much.





And now the real reason why I sat down to write tonight and the only thing I intended on sharing with you all when I started typing:





All day, all evening, all I am thinking about, dreaming, day dreaming, fantasizing about... I miss him. I just miss him. I miss how he smells. How he laughs and teased me. How he hugged me and cuddled into the side of my face. I miss wrestling and playing with him. I miss holding his hand. I miss his arms around me. He used to spend so much time just looking at me in the face, looking me in the eye. Just happy. We'd just look at each other. We were so happy. I loved him so much. I love him so much. I miss how he would hug me and pull me into the middle of his chest and I would feel so small and so protected with him there. I miss standing on tip toe to kiss him. I miss hearing him tell me how much he loved me.





I just miss him. I would give anything if I could just have my life back; if my Matty could come home to me and none of this had ever happened or had ever been true. If he had just been the person he said he was, the person he always was with me, and the man I loved so much and admired with every part of my being.

I miss him, and I love him so much.