Food Stuff and the 25 Pound Difference

I've been having a darn hard time with eating the last few days- and I mean that in two ways.

For one, I've had the flu the last 10 or so days, which means that I was having a hard time even hitting 1200 calories because I just wasn't hungry. I couldn't even smell my food and there was no fun in it. I might have been enticed if someone had delivered me Happy Meals (my beloved "sick" food item... Yes, I know that makes no sense, but it's a sort of comfort food item from childhood, so it all kind of works around!) but since there was no delivery person available (still single over here) and also I'm broke, that was not in the cards. Hitting 1200 at a minimum was carefully planned and I made up at least half the calories per day in cookies. Kid you not.

The other side of this is, while I am still definitely sick, I am no longer running a fever and got up and ran errands today. I felt good yesterday too. Where did that lead? To me wanting to binge all day long. Granted, I'm not doing horrendous... but I logged 1900 calories in food yesterday and I gave up logging today at 1600 because I couldn't even remember all of the things I had bit, nibbled and tasted all day long.

Tomorrow I want to make a plan to eat decisively all day. I will try to consciously get up and eat breakfast, rather than laying in bed whining to myself. I am hoping if I eat more earlier on, it will make a difference in the late night snacking. I'm also hoping it doesn't rain tomorrow. The humidity from the rain made it near impossible for me to run yesterday and I turned home after I started having an asthma attack. (Something which hasn't happened in years and I was totally unprepared for.) If it's not rainy and not quite so humid, my hope is I can make another attempt at a training run (1 year in and I'm on Week 4 of Couch to 5k...) or at least a long (4-5 mile) walk with the dogs.

The last few weeks have seen a decrease in my physical activity- mostly due to weather and being over-scheduled, but also some changes in my eating. I developed some weird problems this fall and I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It seems like I've developed something similar to acid reflux, although I wouldn't quite label it as that. When I eat particular foods, I have gotten a very fast- and intense- stomach reaction which mostly leads to me throwing up. With the help of a friend, we figured out raw tomatoes were a huge trigger point after I vomited up my entire dinner from a great sit down restaurant we went to in Bend after our Cosmos 7K race in September. Probably about 15 minutes after I had finished eating and we had gotten into the car I had to pull over and run in a gas station to be sick, and was sick the whole way home afterwards. (Sarah drove). It was really awful. I've tried to avoid raw tomatoes since, but have also had trouble with high-fat foods, or things that seem like they would produce gas. If I eat even a little too much, my stomach bloats and I have excruciating pain unless I head it off with a gas pill- I'll throw it back up. It's made me a lot more contentious of portion size and pacing myself while I'm eating. I haven't been to the doctor and at this point, don't plan to. It seems that with behavior modification I don't have a problem and I'm not interested in allergy testing or going on any medication. My suspicion is this has something to do with the dietary changes I made when I started dieting this year and maybe I gave myself a sensitivity or something. My gut says (har-de-har-har) that it will go away with time, or I'll figure out how to manage it.

These things said, I've done really good on my weight this fall, and my one year total loss is just over 25 pounds! That puts me squarely half way to my goal weight. On the one hand, I'm thrilled and so excited I have gotten down this far. On the other... I know it's at about this weight I usually get stuck, and then end up gaining it all back, so I also feel a little paranoid. What makes this time any different than the other couple times I've been down this far? (2004 post-college and 2010 post-Matt are the only times since junior high my weight has been in this range.) Another thing... both previous times at this weight (181/182) I was around a size 10. I'm currently a size 14. I find that wildly disappointing. This weird 30 year old puberty I went through where everything seemed to shift around seems to have left my belly hanging out in the cold. That is a HUGE bummer. Especially since I have been exercising, it's not like I don't have muscle mass... Apparently my belly doesn't care what the rest of me is doing, I guess.

So, my plan is to keep running down these next 25 pounds. I'm hoping it doesn't take a whole additional year to get there, but if I make it at all, it will be amazing. Just to even lose 3 pounds before the new year would be amazing... I'd be in the 170's, I'd be the weight on my driver's license (made up when I put it there in high school... Truly, I picked a random number. I probably weighed 210 at the time.), and I'd also officially cross over from "obese" to "overweight" on the BMI scale, which is something I would be proud of, regardless of the reliability of that measurement. 170's and below are really unfamiliar territory for me, as when my weight was that low before, it only lasted a few days or weeks before I rebounded. (Again, I'm nervous) I'm also really excited though, too. I'm hopeful those smaller pant sizes are more forthcoming in the pounds to come!

Here I am so far, as of 6-7 pounds ago. The "before" is from my sister's wedding and the dress was not flattering and I returned it afterwards. My clothes in the second picture are much more form fitting since I had just finished my 12k!

**Edited to add this second set of pictures. I'm wearing the same top in the before/after, but different pants. It's sort of startling to me how LITTLE difference there is after so much work and time.. but I do see the difference. I just kind of have to squint and cock my head to the side a little... ;)

First Kiss with K.. 1Hell

Yep. I know you've been wondering and I've been trying to catch you up!

K and I have been hanging out since July, but I just could not figure it out because he was so hot and cold with me.

On Halloween, my friends and I went to a big law school party called 1Hell, which is a fundraiser for first year law students (1L's). It was held at a terrible little rat hole restaurant all Kalloon's, which is probably the last place in Eugene willing to take us because there is a history of law students doing serious damage (because their lives suck so bad they have to drink heavily to cope with life and then make poor choices), including doing things like peeing on the bar. Yeah, apparently that's happened the last three years. (Not this year, though, PHEW!)

I debated about dressing up as the Dean of the law school (LOL) and even got his permission to do so. But ultimately, I went as my favorite person... An In n Out employee!

Skylar, Sarah, Chloe, Karen and I all got ready at Skylar's house, and then went to K's for a pre-party. K was really drunk and was there with a few friends, including this girl who will be forever known as "The Unicorn." (Because that was her costume... a footsie pajama'ed unicorn costume!). They seemed really into each other and both Skylar and Karen's first reaction was that they were involved with each other. I wasn't too worried, but I noticed the heavy duty interaction.

At some point I went and stoof by K to talk to him and he slipped his hand around my waist... Which REALLY surprised me, but then I thought... He's really drunk. It's nothing. However, when we went to say good bye, after all of my girls were out the door, K held the door sort of half closed and then hugged me tightly and kissed me on the cheek.

I then proceeded to freak out the entire way to 1Hell.

Yes, PROGRESS, but uh... On the cheek? What does that mean? At the last football game together, I had kissed him on the cheek a couple of times (I also accidentally punched him in the face...) and there were all of these "moments" where we would stare at each other and I just kept thinking, KISS ME ALREADY. But it always felt like he was holding back. It was so confusing and I could not figure out why he was so restrained.

I remember very little of1Hell, but all of my friends were there. Connor came, my girls were there and lots of other people I knew. At some point, Skylar came up to me and said she felt the need to inform me that K and the Unicorn were definetly sleeping together and it was really obvious. I had been doing pretty good at staying away from him and ignoring him, but when she said this, I got really upset. I walked around the dance floor and he was out there dancing by himself. I tried to pass him by, but he grabbed me and pulled me out there with him.

As soon as my feet hit the dance floor, he grabbed my face with both hands, pulled me in close to him and kissed me.

...

He held my face and told me he wanted to be with me and kissed me again.

...

Because I want to keep this post G, I'm going to skip over the part where I freaked out and cried in the bathroom while Skylar was sick, and sober Chloe (she's allergic to alcohol) drove me to his house later that night bawling about how freaked out I was about him kissing me. We ended up making out at his house. Guess I didn't skip over that part.... ;)

K kissing me felt like such a relief. It also felt really natural and comfortable. While I totally flipped my lid, it did also just feel good. I was scared when I thought about all of it, but actually being together felt safe. I had so much anxiety but it was okay. As Chloe posed to me when I was on the floor of the bathroom, "Do you feel safe with him? Do you trust him? Would he EVER do anything to hurt you?" As soon as she asked me, I knew I was okay with it and that's how I ended up at his house.

That kiss on the dance floor was truly one of the most exciting and dramatic kisses of my life so far. It was such a culmination of feelings. It was really special. I won't forget it.

What sucked about this entire story is after that night... Nothing happened. We helped Sarah move into her new house the next day- all of us extremely hung over and awkward with each other, but there was no communication between him and I about the things that he had said to me. I found it kind of bizarre, but he has always been that way with me, so I just waited.

About a week later we went to an on campus concert together, got drinks, and he walked me to my car and I drove him home. At that point we still hadn't talked about anything, and I felt like I needed to force the issue because he wasn't being assertive. He had told me all this stuff that night about having feelings for me, and wanting to be with me, and yet nothing, again was happening.

Then there is this LONG AWKWARD PAUSE.

"I really don't want to jeopardize our friendship and I really don't think we should be anything other than friends."

My face, for sure, was blank. In my head however you could have heard the WTF's from a mile away.

Calmly, I said okay, and I understood, but then, with some hestation asked him WHY he had said all of that stuff at 1Hell. ...Then he asked me what exactly he had said.

Turns out he did not remember any of it. NONE of it. The only thing he remembered was me "showing up" at his house. He didn't remember that it was by his own invitation, or that he had poured out an emotiona vomit of feelings for me. Regardless of what he had said, or what he truly felt or didn't feel, he didn't want to go forward with anything.

My feelings were hurt, for sure, but, overall I think this was good. It was really difficult for me to get involved with someone at all, and this sort of panned out to a toe dipping in the water. Like a practice run, if you will. And I think the good thing about all of this is that when he says that he considers me a friend and wants to keep it that way... I actually believe him. I don't doubt at all that we will remain friends. I hope I'm not wrong on that, but I'm pretty sure he can be trusted on that.

On to the next.

University of Oregon v. Washington Football Game + K + Oakland Trip

In early October, Sarah's boyfriend surprised her and broke up with her after almost 5 years together. They had moved to Oregon together from Arkansas and were very serious about their relationship. It was really difficult and very dramatic and has continued to be a big hot mess. They had just gotten themselves certified as partners (or whatever) through the University so they could both get football tickets in the student section and for this first game we needed his help to get Sarah in the stadium. It was really awkard and weird.

I think we had tailgated at K's house along with another friend of Ks- we'll call him K2. When we started to walk to the game, Sarah realized she had left her football ticket at my house in Springfield- a good 15 minute drive! We had all been drinking so K2 drove us back to Springfield and then back to K's house and then we walked to the game. K and I got really silly and horsed around the whole walk to the game, wrestling and jumping on each other and really just behaving like children. (Which was of course fun!)

K2 disappeared at some point, and Sarah got tired and decided to go home. That left just K and I. We went to the Moda Center, and ended up holding hands... There was a lot of touching and put my legs in his lap- it was just a lot of heavy duty flirting.


Unfortunately, I made some poor choices about not eating enough, and drinking too much and for the first time in 10 years, I got really sick. K took me back to his house and I laid on the floor while he patted my back for a long time. Then I ended up in the bathroom- sick- for hours. This was a REALLY bad idea on my part because I had to leave for the airport at 3am!

K was really worried and he and his roommates sat around and tried to figure out what to do with me and they each took turns checking on me, getting me water, and holding my hair back! It was gross. Truly, I felt like a teenager. I think Sarah and her boyfriend had a big triggering effect on me because this quarter in particular we have gone out alot and really just been kids. Which has been fun! But also has consequences too! I've been lucky to be around people who care about me and make sure I'm good!

Around midnight, K decided he needed to take me home, so he put me in my car, drove me to Springfield, tucked me into bed, took care of my animals and charged my phone. When my phone turned back on, he set a billion alarms on it to make sure I would wake up in time to leave. Then he paid for a cab ride home! Just before 3am he called and made sure I had gotten up with my alarm. It was very sweet.

I made it to the airport on time, and flew to California for a wedding. It was only a 3 hour wedding, and because I had been so sick, I wasn't hung over at all. In fact, I felt great! I had a great day in the Bay and flew back that night. It was a crazy 24 hours, but I felt so cared about, and had fun at all of the activities of the day!

 I made my first trip to Miette, which was wonderful!

A little worse for the wear (and lost my glasses, so I'm wearing an old rx here!) but alive!

Home to Sacramento

In October I had two weddings in one weekend, and also had some time to kill! On the day I flew in, I went and visited my old apartment from college, and also got a pedicure at the nail salon across the street that my friends and I used to go to all the time. I saw a ton of friends that weekend doing shoots, and stayed with my friend Colette, which was wonderful and I was so grateful to not have to sleep in my car! It shouldn't be a big deal to have your friend sleep on your couch to save some money (I'm $65k in deep for school... I can't afford a hotel. I'm sleeping in my car or on someone's couch). For some reason I had a lot of trouble finding a couch to sleep on. Some friends have little babies, so of course I didn't ask them, and others said they didn't have time for me to stay... With Colette, it was wonderful because she just laid a blanket on the couch and a pillow and left me the code to her front door. A couple of trips I never saw her or her husband at all- I would just leave treats for them on the kitchen counter from weddings, or I brought donuts from Vooddoo Donut once too. We'd text and I'd let her know when I was coming and going but mostly never even saw them. Because we didn't get to visit I specifically made plans to come in early so we could hang out and talk. But truly, I was SO SO SO grateful to Colette and her family to opening their home to me! With a lot of my trips I flew in really late one day, was up before 5am for shoots or traveling to a wedding, and then flew home after the wedding. Or flew in very early, and out very early. My trips were very brief, but it was so good to have somewhere to stay!

 The tree that bloomed beautiful flowers and smelled like poop!

Pie in the Sky, Harvest Festival 5k (#13 of 14)

Race #13 of our 14 in 2014 Race Series. Time: 39:53

 We did this last 5k race up in Salem, near my mom's house in Silverton! It was a nice flat course and I felt great! The ony sucky part was doing that last 100 yards or so over grass- it was bumpy and uneven and I couldn't sprint to the finish because I was afraid of falling and twisting an ankle! It was dumb! We had told my mom where we were racing but she didn't realize until afterwards how close we were so she zipped over to say hi and we checked out the pie store. It was good to see her and fun!

 We also got a free handheld pie as part of our race package! Our favorite races are ones that have food!!!

 My "pie in the sky!"

University of Oregon v. Arizona Football Game

This was such a horrible game. Terrible calls, and Oregon somehow lost to an UNRANKED team! Argh! Awful! It also took us like 45 minutes to get into the stadium because the lines were so long. I went to the game with K, and some of his friends. I also ran into Sarah later, and got very excited so we took pictures!

Poisony Ivy

In August I went to Washington DC and Virgina for a wedding and for some photo shoots! I ended up staying with some wonderful friends and going out and playing with my cameras! At some point in one of these adventures in the woods, I somehow covered myself in Poison Ivy, It started out on my ankles, and then I spread secondary infections all over my body over the next month. It was really confusing at first because they thought I had chiggers... but then after I was examined by 4 separate doctors, they decided that no, I'm just super allergic to poison ivy.  I have some light scars still (it's now December as I'm blogging this), but it's mostly all gone.



For your viewing pleasure...

 It started with what looked like big bites, and very minor.

 Then it got crazy itchy...

 Then this happened.

 Then it got weepy.

 THEN IT TURNED INTO THIS.

 Then, I somehow rubbed the oil on my seatbelt, and spread it across my chest too. It perfecty lined up with my seatbelt strap!

 My legs finally started to heal!

 And then one day I was scratching my side and realized that I can spread it some more! Where the back of my shirt rides up in the car and the seatbelt brushes against my back... then it spread across my torso!

It was really bad, obviously and I was on meds forever. (Like 6 weeks of prednisone)

I have very light scars on my feet and sides but they are continuing to fade!