Financial Freedom

Source: https://www.etsy.com/listing/62656464/unless-life-also-hands-you-water-and?ga_search_query=lemonade

My finances have been incredibly stressful lately. I'm not really sure what's going on, but business has plummeted. I'm just not receiving the volume of inquiries I used to. It's gone on for so long that I've depleted my savings and gotten myself into real trouble. I always pay off my credit cards every month and I've had to dial back in order to conserve the limited funds I had left. I was looking at a savings account balance of only $1500 total and I was going to be in real trouble. I moved some things around, took some penalties and reserved some savings, but I really didn't have much left.

I also made some big sacrifices and changes.

My biggest regret is not recognizing how much of a difference those changes would make and that I could have made them sooner and made my savings last a whole lot longer.

I've recognized a few bad habits in myself that really suck up my finances:

Wasteful grocery spending
Fast food expenditures
Take out
Online shopping

This accounted for HUGE charges every month. Like dramatic charges. I don't have exact numbers for you but it was A LOT. In the hundreds, at least.

I completely banned all online shopping period, all fast food, all take out, all unnecessary driving, and strategically planned my trips to the grocery store to coincide when I would be in that area. I had hoped to get my grocery bill down to $25 a month. (From like, I'm sure $300+ or something insane. I have absolutely no idea. I just bought whatever.)

How on earth could I do that?

Well, first of all, I started eating all that expired food out of my freezer. That was #1.

#2, I stopped shopping at the grocery store. I switched entirely to Grocery Outlet, which is much, MUCH cheaper, and I'm shopping on a $25 budget, which I actually stuck to. I didn't make it a month, I made it about 2 weeks, but when I went back to the store, I shopped with $11 in cash I had found somewhere and only spent that on milk and fruit to tide me over.

I think I'm going to come in somewhere around $100 (possibly under) or something on groceries for the month, which, granted is not $25, but it's better than $300. And I have virtually eliminated all other expenditures which has been a huge help. That also included cat litter, cat food, and some medications. (And chocolate. I cracked.)

I'm still working on my credit cards, which is a problem since I don't have much coming in and am not re-cooping my savings and I'm going to have a huge tax bill. I feel like other people look at my savings accounts and think- oh, that's plenty of money. But you have to remember- I DONT GET A PAYCHECK. I have no idea when the next time I will get paid is! It's not like I can wait 2 weeks and I'll get another check. Even if a client is under contact and "supposed" to pay me on such and such date- there's no guarantee that will really happen. Couples break up, they cancel dates. Nothing is real until that check clears.  And then, that money goes in savings, straight away. I really need $10k+ in savings to be able to sleep at night. Because that's enough money to go 3 months without receiving any income at all and be totally okay, and in my industry, that's pretty much the norm. I booked a wedding last month, and I booked one in December. That's it. That's all I've done in the last 3 months. And the one I booked last month hasn't paid yet, she's on a payment plan. It's INCREDIBLY stressful.

As a sole proprietor, my dad and I figured out I get taxed at almost 40%. WTF?!

Having $1500, or $3k in the bank means I have one month until I live in a cardboard box. I can't o that!!!! I have to have WAY more than that in the bank to be safe! I can't even RISK it getting down that low! Right now, my tax bill alone far exceeds those amounts, so between that and my bills for next month so I am so deep in the red my dad actually offered me my inheritance. (I declined.)

I'm proud that I buckled down and decreased my expenses. I'm not spending as much. Excellent.
I got my gym membership decreased by $15 a month. Cable went down by $35 a month. Photo forum canceled- that's $15 a month saved. Phone plan changed, that saved $70 a month. I considered canceling all of these things, and actually made the calls and tried to do so, and burst into tears on the phone with the rep as he went through the motions to do it and I just couldn't handle it. I don't know why, it was like it was too much change or something. I got them all reduced at least, and they promised I could call back at any time and get them all canceled later.

I ran some mini-sessions and a client purchased some extra time for their event and bam- rent for next month got paid. Another client paid her balance. Great. But it's all basically meaningless. Between rent, health insurance, therapy, student loans, car insurance, dog insurance, the credit card, all of the utility bills, the credit card, and the tax bill thus far, I don't have enough. Not even close. I'll be in the negative a couple thousand dollars at least.

But I can't even handle thinking about it because it is SO awful.

I AM proud of all that I have done so far. I am.

And I do have some more things to do.

I need to amend my taxes from last year. This is hugely stressful because it is such a big job. I also can't do it on this computer because the tax program I have to use isn't compatible with Windows 8, so I have to fire up the old back up computer that is packed away. This is going to get started fairly quickly because I want it done before I do my 2012 taxes. Those are mostly done already (hence I already have a good grip on what I owe), but I am hoping what I overpaid in 2011 can be put towards 2012 and help bail me out/break even.  But the whole thing is going to be very complicated. And NO, I'm not going to go to a tax firm/CPA to do it. I store all of my records online, so it's not like I can present a pile of receipts. I do my taxes by logging into 10 different online accounts and inputting it into excel. I'm a nightmare to work with, I'm sure.

There are also some minor money makers in relation to moving that I want to get done.

Selling the dining room table.

Selling the stereo cabinet.

Selling my GRE books and flashcards.

Possibly selling the Piano. (I am realizing it's going to be hard to move, and I am hoping my mom will give me our family piano at some point).


And some general cleaning house things that will make me feel much better:


Dumping the pile of clothes I've slowly been sorting into a bin at Goodwill.

Getting the garbage out of the house

Continuing to get the bathroom clean, sorted and presentable for company

Throwing out my rugs- but probably not until much closer to the actual move so there's no risk of hurting the carpets in the meantime.

Continuing to dump out my huge collection of magazines.

Progress, progress.

I wish I knew why everything has slowed so dramatically so I could fix it. This post ended up sounded incredibly depressing, but I started writing it because I was really proud of myself and I want to repeat that. I am PROUD OF MYSELF! I got into trouble and I am figuring it out. I'm going to keep working to figure it out. I have tightened my belt and I am going to keep tightening it and thinking hard and applying for jobs until I figure this out. I love my job, but I can't help but be resentful of these hoards of people invading our industry, shooting on automatic and charging for their services. I got beat for a wedding job a couple weeks ago because a friend of the bride's "just started" a business and would only charge $500 for unlimited everything. Her pictures suck and she doesn't know what she's doing. I started in the same place, I know, and we all have to start somewhere, but when you're doing this full time, and you're doing it the right way, I can't tell you have frustrating it is to be beat out by someone who does it as a hobby, and has no freaking clue.

Promise of the Somewhere Between

And just like that, sometimes your heart is just relieved of all of the anxieties and worries you've placed under it.

Just like that.



Although I've never been "opposed" to adoption, and I 100% believe in it and think it's a beautiful thing, IUI's and IVF and the good old fashioned way of making babies are a whole lot cheaper options, and that had always kind of been my plan. But post-last-days-of-being-29-heart-attack-freak-out, I stumbled into this documentary, and just watching the preview alone? I felt this sudden sense of peace and calm. And I got that just off the preview.

A lot of you who know me in real life probably don't know this, but my family kind of looks like the United Colors of Benetton. My sister's kids are Mexican, my cousin's on my mom's side are black, and my dad's family is Chinese. I just never think about it. It just is.

My aunt's second husband immigrated from China in the late 50's or maybe early 60's with a little boy. (The mother abandoned them or something. The story has always been somewhat unclear.) My aunt adopted and raised him and she and the husband had several children together as well. The oldest son who came from China is my cousin, he calls my aunt his mom, and he just IS my cousin. I never think about the fact he's not biologically related to anyone. I don't actually have any memories of meeting his dad at all and they have been divorced for 20+ years. It probably occurs to me about once every 10 years that technically, we're not actually related, and usually I remember this when I start to make a comment about how alike we are and it must be our genes. Erm.

He married a Chinese woman (pretty sure from China) and they have three children together.  My other [Chinese] cousins also all have [interracial Chinese] children. They all had red egg parties and did all of the usual cultural stuff. Mixed with you know, German traditions. The oldest son's wife used to pick all the honey off our honey baked ham every year, which always pissed off my aunt, and always made off with the expensive $4 cookies my dad would bring from the pricey bakery, which annoyed him. All in all we're a great big happy Chinese-German-Mexican-Afghani (cousin's husband) family.

Anyway. I watched this preview, just the preview alone and I just exhaled this huge sigh of relief. All of that pressure just blew out of me. I don't know why. I've never really felt strongly about adoption, and I can't really say that I do now either, but I feel like I was spiritually (and quite condescendingly I might add) patted on the head and told "It's going to be just fine. There's a whole plan in play no matter which route you go here. Whichever way you go, it is TOTALLY cool. Go on little grasshopper. Take your time. [pat, pat.]"

L o n g,    s l o w    e x h a l e.

I looked all over the internet to find a free copy of the film and I found TONS but all required I download an extra media thing to watch it, and I was spooked since I've had such had luck with this computer that I'm afraid to download any software on to this computer, so it took me 24 hours to commit since I'm having such financial issues, but as a sort of birthday gift, I spent $2.99 and rented the movie on Amazon. It's wonderful. It's called "Somewhere Between," and if they make it free on Prime I'm going to be pissed.

But right now I'm just so grateful I got to watch it because it was beautiful. I'm also, once again grateful for Sex and the City, my favorite show ever, and Charlotte, who adopted a Mandarin baby herself in the series finale. (With her Jewish husband after discovering she was barren with her Scottish 1st husband, who refused to explore adoption or fertility treatments with her.)  As Charlotte said after she and Harry had been disappointed once again in their journey to try and grow their family together (failed placement- yes, they showed a failed adoption placement on a show called "Sex and the City" for those of you spooked by the title) she smiles, kisses him on his cute balding forehead and says, "Honey, that wasn't our baby. Our baby is still coming. "

I've re-quoted that a million times to friends who were trying to conceive, and wiped tears from girlfriends eyes after negative pregnancy tests and chemical pregnancies and lost babies.

That wasn't the baby you were going to get to raise. Your baby is still coming.

My baby is still coming too.



This post was sickeningly positive, and in order to even the score, I'd like to say that someone said something nasty to me about my relationship with Matt that pissed me off. So there. (sticks tongue out.) It all evens out. I'm still glass half empty after all!

The 30 Year Leap

Art by Katie Daisy/ The Wheatfield on Etsy

Source: https://www.etsy.com/shop/thewheatfield?ref=exp_listing

I am only 29 years old.

For exactly 4 more days.

Then I will be 26.

Okay, this body will be 30 years old. And I am not handling it well at all. I have emotion bubbling out of every orifice. I have had upset stomachs, I have tears pouring out of me, anxiety exploding and finally, I am truly angry with Matt.

I walked into therapy yesterday with tears pouring down my face.

"I am angry." I said.
"Apparently this is what anger looks like for me."
She whipped out her yellow note pad and scribbled some notes.

I started shaking, my face flushed and I raised my voice, gesturing wildly. "He robbed me of the most precious thing I could possibly have- my trust in myself. And if I am so delayed in my life because I have been so traumatized by his choice to drag me into his whacked out martial issues that I miss out on my opportunity to have children, I will pour battery acid on to his penis."

She laughed.

But I didn't.

I'm [almost] 30. My best friend is contemplating whether this is the end of her child-bearing years, and I haven't even started. The half-dozen women's magazines delivered to my house every month announce in large headlines that with every progressive year that my fertility is declining so rapidly that I need to "hurry up" and move along and get going. I need to freeze my eggs, or start fertility testing to evaluate how much time I have left, or do an ovary transplant.

I want a large family. It's not like we're just contemplating one child here. Figuring out IVF or adopting for one child at 40- it can be done. The finances can be worked out, and the timing will be managed. But how about for four kids, or five? How do you do that? If you're just getting started at 35 or 40? How is that done? You know how much adoption costs? IVF? Even IUI's aren't cheap. I don't even have proven fertility, so I have no idea what road I would be taking here, but with each passing year the chance increases that I'm going to have problems.

And here's the bottom line:

I do not want to rush into having children. I want children. I want children with every ounce and fiber of my being. It's what I have always wanted. I have had the same baby names picked out since I was 5 years old. My original major in college was Family & Consumer Sciences. You know what that used to be called? Home Economics. My dream was to be a farmer or a housewife. (Or both.)

My first priority is finding a life partner who loves me and is dedicated to building a life together for our whole lives. I want to build a life with someone.



I work in the wedding industry. I've been doing this for almost eight years. For eight years I have watched couples, good matches and bad matches stand and make vows to each other. Hold hands, kiss passionately and run off into the sunset together. I've watched them evolve from the crazy in love to the bickering on wedding day to the excited parents-to-be, to totally head over heels with their newborns. I photographed one of my long term clients last week, and the new mom was just so in love with her new baby that she just was openly weeping and giggling and cooing over her sweet new babe all at the same time. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. And I've seen it a hundred times and it's just as beautiful every time.

But just as important, and something that made that whole experience so precious was the fact that her partner, her husband, was right there to share it with her at every moment. He was home with us during the newborn session, helping, and running around, getting snacks and changes of clothes, kissing mom's forehead and totally attentive. He loves her, and he loves that baby. And that couple... They have known each other since they were kids. High school. They have known each other for seventeen years, they've been a couple for seven. And they are so in love and so excited. And that's what I want. Someone who I have a solid foundation with who loves me and understands me. Who can hold the baby and change diapers and be a total sport when she has squirty diarrhea all down his shirt, up in between his fingers and down his toes. (Which is exactly what happened.) And the mom stood there and laughed and laughed and laughed and didn't get a towel, and started screeching that she was going to pee her pants. Dad just stood there, smiling, holding the baby, with mustard yellow baby diarrhea running between his hands and dripping between his toes, while his wife laughed at him.

They are so happy, it was ridiculous. They are delighted to be parents. They are in love and they are committed to their relationship. They are not without problems, and I got an earful of it in the hours I spent at their house, and they are completely dedicated to working on them and growing together. They are on the same team, fighting against the world. But that noise doesn't matter. They have each other. That's what I want. I don't just want to parent. I need and want more than that. I want the all inclusive experience. For me, I believe the experience of parenting is not as enriched without a partner to stand next to you and laugh with you when this child you created together vomits into your mouth and down your shirt. To have someone up with you, together all night long when your baby is sick and you are worried and don't know what to do. That is what the human relationship is all about. Being a team. I don't just want a child, I want a family.

I could run out right now, go to a bar, and go home with someone. I could hop online, pick out the most perfect genetic qualities and order a box of sperm and have it delivered right to my front door. (Just like Amazon.) I could probably get some random guy drunk in Vegas and elope. There are even listings on Craig's list all the time for men who want to have babies. I could even adopt.

But obviously, none of those things are what I am looking for. I want the right partner for me and I want to know them the way my couples know each other. At this point in my job, I get a sort of a feeling about a lot of my couples about whether they will work out. Sometimes I don't know, but sometimes I do. You can tell when they are on the same page. Some will work out because they will force it to, and not because they are the right fit. I want to be the right fit with someone and not because I forced it.

I believe in marriage. But more than that I believe in love. From my couples:

"I want to be with you forever."

"You are my hero."

"I promise to weigh the effects of the words I speak and the things I do, to thank you when you delight me and forgive you when you offend me.  I promise to be sweet with you and fierce with you, to apologize when  you are due it and to never take for granted the joy and wholeness that comes from loving you.  You are my best friend, lover, counselor, accomplice, bright shining light, and desert island companion. I have found home in you and  you have my heart."

I am frustrated and sad and scared and this week is a hard week. I am angry at Matt. I don't know if I had not met him if I would be married now, or have children, but I know for a fact I wouldn't be afraid of dating, or afraid that every man is a liar and a cheat who will hurt me. That I wouldn't be dodging eye contact from the nice young men I meet at the park sometimes who simply just want to be friends because I am so scared. I am angry with him for not going out and just hooking up with someone and instead engaging me in a romantic relationship and scamming me into loving him and leading me to believe that this was my life partner and making plans with him. For emailing vendors for quotes for our wedding? How can you go so far to do that? He was MARRIED to someone ELSE. I didn't even know his real name! How dare he so manipulate my love and affection for his own selfish needs. What he did was so wrong. He took from me so many things that didn't belong to him and he didn't deserve. I am angry with him. And apparently, when I am angry, I cry.

"Sing, O barren woman,
you who never bore a child;
burst into song, shout for joy,
you who were never in labor,
because more are the children of the desolate woman
than of her who has a husband,"
says the Lord.
Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes,"

Isaiah 54: 1-2

Milwaukee

I can't even spell the town's name but I might move there!! I got into graduate school!!! Marquette University accepted me!!

And now I am TOTALLY CONFUSED!

I applied to around six schools, and my top were Oregon, Denver and Greensboro. Marquette is a really good, historic university and I NEVER thought I'd get in.

But somehow I did!

I opened the very thin, empty feeling envelope last night and was absolutely floored. I cried, screamed, shrieked, fell to my knees, danced around. I could NOT have been more elated!

Then I wondered out loud, "Why in the heck did these people let me in?? Were they HIGH??!"

lol

My dad said basically the same thing. LOL

We concurred they want my money.

At a minimum, I am definitely going to graduate school now. That question is answered. I am in somewhere, I am GOING. And Marquette is a great school! I would be proud to go there. If I didn't get in anywhere else, this is still terrific.

And therein lies the problem. I'm starting to hesitate about my plan. Marquette really IS a good school, and should I pass up that opportunity because these other schools are closer to where I live right now and are cheaper? That I should pass up the chance to get an education from that school because it's got a lot of snow? Is that ridiculous logic or what?

And then I am reminded that University of Oregon is a public school and is not so fancy and I look at their loud colors and their crazed foot ball fans and I... hesitate. And I look at Marquette's academic programs and 120+ year history and I... feel confused.

A friend of mine is attending graduate school and her perspective is to just "get the degree, doesn't matter where it's from."

But that's not my perspective. I was disappointed in my undergraduate experience. I want to attend a school I am proud to be a part of. I want the campus pride, I want to wear the sweatshirt and go to the games, I want people to not sneer with "Oh it's just X, school, they're not very good," which has been my experience with my undergraduate school. It's a commuter school. It was fine, I got a good education and I worked hard for it, but... ehhhh. I only applied to one college and I never tried in high school. That's not the experience I want this time around. I want to attend a school where people come from all over to go to it, that has a good academic reputation, and that people are proud they went to it. Like Harvard, but for normal folks. Ya know?

That's part of the experience for me. If I *just* wanted a degree, I could do that online. But this is about the experience. Meeting people, being on campus; I'd like to be on an older, historic campus that's pretty to look at. All of those kinds of things. I want the CLASSIC experience. If I am going to go suffer in the basement of some research library for the next two years, I want it to be a pretty one.

So I'm feeling... confused.

This isn't really leading anywhere.

Except, I am feeling like it's more important than ever that I need to go visit these schools, walk around, get a feel for the campuses, meet the people, meet the people in the department, talk to people (can you believe it? ME talk to people???!), and finances are going to be a huge issue with that. I looked up tickets to Wisconsin and it was like $500 roundtrip. That's an issue. I don't have that and business is so slow.. I don't know what's going on.

I'm sort of stumped.