Art by Katie Daisy/ The Wheatfield on Etsy
For exactly 4 more days.
Then I will be 26.
Okay, this body will be 30 years old. And I am not handling it well at all. I have emotion bubbling out of every orifice. I have had upset stomachs, I have tears pouring out of me, anxiety exploding and finally, I am truly angry with Matt.
I walked into therapy yesterday with tears pouring down my face.
"I am angry." I said.
"Apparently this is what anger looks like for me."
She whipped out her yellow note pad and scribbled some notes.
I started shaking, my face flushed and I raised my voice, gesturing wildly. "He robbed me of the most precious thing I could possibly have- my trust in myself. And if I am so delayed in my life because I have been so traumatized by his choice to drag me into his whacked out martial issues that I miss out on my opportunity to have children, I will pour battery acid on to his penis."
She laughed.
But I didn't.
I'm [almost] 30. My best friend is contemplating whether this is the end of her child-bearing years, and I haven't even started. The half-dozen women's magazines delivered to my house every month announce in large headlines that with every progressive year that my fertility is declining so rapidly that I need to "hurry up" and move along and get going. I need to freeze my eggs, or start fertility testing to evaluate how much time I have left, or do an ovary transplant.
I want a large family. It's not like we're just contemplating one child here. Figuring out IVF or adopting for one child at 40- it can be done. The finances can be worked out, and the timing will be managed. But how about for four kids, or five? How do you do that? If you're just getting started at 35 or 40? How is that done? You know how much adoption costs? IVF? Even IUI's aren't cheap. I don't even have proven fertility, so I have no idea what road I would be taking here, but with each passing year the chance increases that I'm going to have problems.
And here's the bottom line:
I do not want to rush into having children. I want children. I want children with every ounce and fiber of my being. It's what I have always wanted. I have had the same baby names picked out since I was 5 years old. My original major in college was Family & Consumer Sciences. You know what that used to be called? Home Economics. My dream was to be a farmer or a housewife. (Or both.)
My first priority is finding a life partner who loves me and is dedicated to building a life together for our whole lives. I want to build a life with someone.
I work in the wedding industry. I've been doing this for almost eight years. For eight years I have watched couples, good matches and bad matches stand and make vows to each other. Hold hands, kiss passionately and run off into the sunset together. I've watched them evolve from the crazy in love to the bickering on wedding day to the excited parents-to-be, to totally head over heels with their newborns. I photographed one of my long term clients last week, and the new mom was just so in love with her new baby that she just was openly weeping and giggling and cooing over her sweet new babe all at the same time. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. And I've seen it a hundred times and it's just as beautiful every time.
But just as important, and something that made that whole experience so precious was the fact that her partner, her husband, was right there to share it with her at every moment. He was home with us during the newborn session, helping, and running around, getting snacks and changes of clothes, kissing mom's forehead and totally attentive. He loves her, and he loves that baby. And that couple... They have known each other since they were kids. High school. They have known each other for seventeen years, they've been a couple for seven. And they are so in love and so excited. And that's what I want. Someone who I have a solid foundation with who loves me and understands me. Who can hold the baby and change diapers and be a total sport when she has squirty diarrhea all down his shirt, up in between his fingers and down his toes. (Which is exactly what happened.) And the mom stood there and laughed and laughed and laughed and didn't get a towel, and started screeching that she was going to pee her pants. Dad just stood there, smiling, holding the baby, with mustard yellow baby diarrhea running between his hands and dripping between his toes, while his wife laughed at him.
They are so happy, it was ridiculous. They are delighted to be parents. They are in love and they are committed to their relationship. They are not without problems, and I got an earful of it in the hours I spent at their house, and they are completely dedicated to working on them and growing together. They are on the same team, fighting against the world. But that noise doesn't matter. They have each other. That's what I want. I don't just want to parent. I need and want more than that. I want the all inclusive experience. For me, I believe the experience of parenting is not as enriched without a partner to stand next to you and laugh with you when this child you created together vomits into your mouth and down your shirt. To have someone up with you, together all night long when your baby is sick and you are worried and don't know what to do. That is what the human relationship is all about. Being a team. I don't just want a child, I want a family.
I could run out right now, go to a bar, and go home with someone. I could hop online, pick out the most perfect genetic qualities and order a box of sperm and have it delivered right to my front door. (Just like Amazon.) I could probably get some random guy drunk in Vegas and elope. There are even listings on Craig's list all the time for men who want to have babies. I could even adopt.
But obviously, none of those things are what I am looking for. I want the right partner for me and I want to know them the way my couples know each other. At this point in my job, I get a sort of a feeling about a lot of my couples about whether they will work out. Sometimes I don't know, but sometimes I do. You can tell when they are on the same page. Some will work out because they will force it to, and not because they are the right fit. I want to be the right fit with someone and not because I forced it.
I believe in marriage. But more than that I believe in love. From my couples:
"I want to be with you forever."
"You are my hero."
"I promise to weigh the effects of the words I speak and the things I do, to thank you when you delight me and forgive you when you offend me. I promise to be sweet with you and fierce with you, to apologize when you are due it and to never take for granted the joy and wholeness that comes from loving you. You are my best friend, lover, counselor, accomplice, bright shining light, and desert island companion. I have found home in you and you have my heart."
I am frustrated and sad and scared and this week is a hard week. I am angry at Matt. I don't know if I had not met him if I would be married now, or have children, but I know for a fact I wouldn't be afraid of dating, or afraid that every man is a liar and a cheat who will hurt me. That I wouldn't be dodging eye contact from the nice young men I meet at the park sometimes who simply just want to be friends because I am so scared. I am angry with him for not going out and just hooking up with someone and instead engaging me in a romantic relationship and scamming me into loving him and leading me to believe that this was my life partner and making plans with him. For emailing vendors for quotes for our wedding? How can you go so far to do that? He was MARRIED to someone ELSE. I didn't even know his real name! How dare he so manipulate my love and affection for his own selfish needs. What he did was so wrong. He took from me so many things that didn't belong to him and he didn't deserve. I am angry with him. And apparently, when I am angry, I cry.
"Sing, O barren woman,
you who never bore a child;
burst into song, shout for joy,
you who were never in labor,
because more are the children of the desolate woman
than of her who has a husband,"
says the Lord.
Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes,"
Isaiah 54: 1-2
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