Proof of Service.

I took my practice GRE again, and I got 159 Verbal, 150 Math. Then 159 Verbal, 151 Math. Then 156 Verbal, 151 Math.

Hmmm.

The Verbal score is in the 85%ile, the Math in the 44%ile, but when I looked at similar degree fields to what I am pursuing (counseling, social work, sociology, etc.) my Math score was actually higher than the average for those fields. Who would have though an "F" would be above average?

I filed the proof of service with the court, and I was totally overwhelmed with anxiety. I was way more anxious and upset going through security, and while I made it without freaking, I had to keep my eyes closed while he waved the wand over me. I just could not overcome the thought that the next time I went to that courthouse, I was going to be seeing Matt. That is a truly awful thought.

At the counter I asked the clerk if Matt would be allowed to wear his uniform and bring his weapons. This thought overwhelms me. It's in the report how much I fear both of those things, and I am afraid he would try to manipulate or intimidate me by wearing a uniform. Or better yet, that he'd shoot me in court or in the parking lot. Or strangle me. I have these nightmares all the time about him lunging for me, grabbing me around the throat and shoving me into the wall in the court. I can't breathe, I can't swallow. Then I wake up.

The shooting dreams are faster. I just disappear. The sound of the shot echos in my ears though, even as I am disappearing.

The clerk called security and they said he would not be allowed to bring any weapons to court. She asked if he could come in uniform without weapons. The security guy said no. After she hung up, the clerk hesitated and said, she didn't know exactly what would happen if he "tried" it though. Then she asked me if I had a restraining order. I was visibly shaking and stammering at the counter. I was very tense.

I don't have a restraining order but I'm starting to wish I had filed one back then. Maybe it wouldn't have been warranted, he didn't verbally threaten me... he just scared the shit out of me and made me go running out of the house in terror. 

You know, small beans.

(Total sarcasm there.)

My friend who used to be a cop and is now an attorney said, once again, he'd be stupid to show up in uniform because he's not acting as an official representative of the CHP and he'd get into a boatload of trouble with his bosses if he pulled a stunt like that.  Wish I'd talked to her first before freaking out about that possibility for the last several months.

The clerk also said no one had yet called about the case and had not tried to change the date or anything like that.

We won't know if this is our real court date until next Thursday.

In other news, my therapist caught on to the fact that I had been avoiding talking about Matt the last couple of weeks and confronted me about it. I broke down and had the shakes and cried and it was terrible. I just don't want to think about it. I am consciously avoiding it. She said it's not going to get better, and I won't be able to cope with all of these stressors on the day of if I don't pull it together now and start dealing with this stuff. She's probably right, but I don't like it. Sorry, I'm a procrastinator. Especially with painful, awful, bad stuff.

Tonight I saw a picture I didn't like of Matt. Posing, being fake, pretending to be a normal guy. At first I banged my fist down on the table in anger. Then my stomach hurt. Then I vomited, and vomited and vomited.

My throat is sore. And I am angry.

GRE

I still feel like I don't have a clear answer on what I should do about the GRE. I had therapy yesterday and today (Tuesday and Wednesday- I always blog in the middle of the night so this might be confusing for you when I say "today" and it's 2am; I mean Wednesday still even though it's after midnight now.)

Anyway, I had therapy yesterday and today and I never managed to bring up any of the GRE stuff that has been on my mind because we were so busy talking about other stuff and I left the appointment with still a thousand other thoughts in my head and I had to call my mother on the way home (who is an MFT) and make her let me talk and finish my thoughts I was wanting to have with my therapist since I wouldn't be able to until Monday and it was important.

So I don't see the therapist until Monday and the GRE class starts Tuesday and I am afraid every day I wait that the class could fill up. I keep worrying but I still don't know what to do. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO! I can't think straight; I don't know what I want, I don't know if I'm ready, I don't know how to tell, or how to figure this out for myself. I NEED HELP. But I am on this huge time crunch and WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

I have to leave in 2 days for another out of town wedding in Yosemite National Park this time.

How can I figure this out? What do you do to figure things out? I don't know how to do this anymore. I know it is so basic to make a decision, but I don't know how to anymore. :(

Double Dose

As honest as I am on this blog, if you can believe it, I don't share everything. In fact, there's a lot I don't share.  Which is hard because I'd really rather put all of my thoughts in one place and just get it ALL out, but because of who some of my audience is, I feel like I have to censor myself. (So, yeah, it's even worse than this!)

I was in therapy last week and ended up running thirty minutes over our hour long session. That's right, I talked for a straight hour and a half. Pretty much all I talk about in therapy is what happened. Once in a while I will bring up some other issue that has come up, but mostly, all I talk about is Matt and all of this issues related to him. I've been in therapy ever since I found out, and have been seeing this therapist weekly since October or so. And still even now, I have so much to process and talk about, I'm running over on our sessions.

This week, we changed our schedule and we're starting to have me come in twice a week. I came in on Tuesday, and I'll come in again Wednesday, and then I have appointments next week for Monday and Wednesday. This is going to get to be expensive for me. But what else do I do? I have felt like since I started therapy that I needed to be seeing someone more than once a week but I felt like I couldn't afford it. That situation doesn't seem like it's ever going to change unless I get better and I can't get better without more help. (On a side note, feel free to click on my google ads- the boring texy looking ads- not the fancy graphic ones- on the right hand side- I get like a $1 every time you click on them!! I am very close to getting a check! [You only get a check when you get up to a certain dollar amount.])  It's a good thing my therapist is very, very cheap. That is a HUGE blessing.

For our GRE update for the day, I read almost all of the introduction to the Princeton Review GRE book, and browsed through some pages on fractions, and couldn't understand any of it. Can any one let me borrow their 3rd grader so they can teach me fractions?! I haven't done fractions since 3rd grade and I never got them back then anyway!

My flashcards also came in the mail today. Super fast shipping!

A friend of mine from law school who just graduated, and passed the bar on the first time (just got the results a couple weeks ago), is also apparently certifiably insane and for some reason is going to take the GRE in July and asked to get together and study. (Why, she is taking the GRE now that she is an attorney and just got out of law school I have no idea!) She is really smart, and really hard working- like, her brain runs 10x faster than anyone else's so she's really hard to study with. (I used to study with her in law school). I think she must drink too many energy drinks, or she's on Ritalin or something! LOL She's TOO focused to be normal.

So... I have books, and flash cards and someone to study with.

But I still don't know that I am ready to jump! I am still hesitating. I need a shove off the diving board, or I need someone to grab me off the platform, give me a towel and tell me to go sit down until I'm ready.

I just don't feel confidant in making decisions for myself anymore. I don't trust myself. I don't trust my abilities anymore. I don't trust my judgement. I don't know what to do.

News

1.) I bought a GRE book for the old test. I have not opened it yet. I also ordered flash cards online. They are not here yet.

2.) I have not registered for the test yet, although I have looked up test dates and I can either take it in town on July 19th, or two hours away on July 21st.

3.) I have not registered for a prep class yet, but I looked up the class options and one starts meeting once a week beginning next Tuesday and meets through July 19th, and the other doesn't start until the end of June, and meets twice a week until July 12th.The class is very expensive, but I believe necessary.

DILEMMA: My friend is having a baby out of state (Utah) and I am 100% committed to being there when the baby is born. The baby is due at the end of June/beginning of July and will be born naturally (hopefully) without an induction, so it could come at any time. If I have class twice a week, it's highly likely I will miss multiple meetings of the [very expensive and very short] class. If I take the other class (which meets once a week), I will have to begin it basically, uh... NOW, and if I took the exam in town, I would miss the last class because I would be taking the exam. Alternatively, I could complete the entire course and then take the exam out of town, 2 hours away on the 21st of July.

CONCLUSION: All of this freaks me out very much and it is all happening very fast for Emily and I don't know if I am ready for it. But I don't really have time to think it over. I have to JUMP if I want to do this before the test changes.

ONE MORE TIME: How do I know if I am ready for this?

More Options...!

I was talking on the phone with my friend Carmen yesterday and she started giving me a pep talk about the things I am capable of. I pretty much tuned it out. I really wanted to hear it, and I was trying to hear it, but I just couldn't "hear it." I don't know how to explain it any other way. The same thing happens when the therapist tries to validate everything that happened with Matt. (That it really was a horrible, terrible thing, and a HUGE deal. Sometimes I fall into self-doubt about this. Some days that sounds crazy [that it wasn't a big deal], other days, I wonder if I am playing the victim... I really need to be validated that it was a bad thing. Too many people told me to just pick up and move on but the experience was so traumatizing I can't. So hearing those words ["move on"] essentially just gave me more issues. Fantastic.)  I just can't hear it, or it doesn't sink in, or it goes in one ear and out the other. I really, really want and need to hear what everyone has to say to me, but it just doesn't go in somehow. Does that make sense?

Anyway, she was saying that as long as she has known me (10 years this fall) that I have always been doing and saying and making plans to do random and crazy and impossible things and then just doing them. That I'm a planner and I just make things happen. That with everything that has happened the last six years I have been progressively been beat down, but that I still stayed on top of it all, until it came to this. But she knows that I can still do it. I wish I could hear her say it again so I could really "hear" it.

After talking to her about school and stuff, and hearing about her plans to move to Philadelphia in just three months for her Master's in Public Health, I tried looking at schools again. This time it occurred to me to simply Google "masters, conflict dispute resolution."

I am so dumb.

Why did I not do this in the first place?

I thought Oregon was the only school with a program like this, and from looking at schools individually, it seemed like that was accurate. I was SO WRONG.

Here are some of the schools that have some form of Conflict & Dispute Resolution or Peace Studies Programs:

CA-Pepperdine

CO-University of Denver

DC-Georgetown University

GA-Kennesaw State University

HI-University of Hawaii Manoa

MA-University of Massachusetts Boston

MD-Salisbury University

MD-University of Baltimore

MI-Wayne State University

MO-University of Missouri

NC-UNC Greensboro

NJ-Montclair State University

NY-Columbia University

OR-Portland State University

OR-University of Oregon

TX-Southern Methodist University

UT-Utah State University

VA-George Mason University

WI-Marquette University

 
University of Notre Dame
Graduate School
Peace Studies


California State University Northridge
Mediation and Conflict Resolution


University of San Diego

Master of Arts in Peace and Justice Studies

Eastern Mennonite University

Center for Justice and Peacebuilding - Graduate Program

Harrisonburg , VA , 22802

George Washington University,The

 Master's Internationalist Program in the Peace Corps


 Columbia College Of South Carolina 
Master of Arts in Human Behavior and Conflict Management

New York University

Graduate School of Arts and Science

Program in Trauma and Violence Transdisciplinary Studies ----> I thought this was really interesting, and relevant. George Washington University,The

School of Public Health and Health Services

Graduate School

 
Arcadia University
Peace Studies
Glenside, PA


Champlain College
Graduate Studies

Master of Science in Mediation & Applied Conflict Studies

 Duke University
Masters degree
International Development Policy
Peace and Conflict Resolution  



WOW. Just... WOW. A lot, of at least some of the schools, particularly on the east coast focus on GLOBAL or international peacekeeping, which would not be my focus of interest. I found my interest synthesized best here:

Finally, you may want to obtain a master in conflict resolution if you work with social services or the family court system. In many instances, mediation is the preferred first step toward resolving issues in family court cases in order to avoid tying up courtroom time. Many individuals with a masters in conflict management also become members of, and certified by, the American Arbitration Association.

Best of all, did you see it? I checked those darn Colorado schools over and over and over again for a reason for me to go there without success. But I missed one. And apparently, it's the most prestigious one.  UNIVERSITY OF DENVER, Conflict Dispute Resolution Institute offering a Master of Arts program... You can read about just how flippin' awesome DU appears to be, (and how insanely competitive, even though I had never heard of it) right over HERE.  It also happens to be the oldest college in Colorado and in my opinion the most beautiful. It's the college experience I never had and always wanted. What a gorgeous old campus. And a big fancy school. It's a private school, but it's non-profit. I think it just officially became my dream school.  



...But how am I ever going to get there with my undergraduate GPA. looming behind me? Let me tell you, it's not good.  All of the schools also require some type of testing as well, but it varies. Some of the schools will take my old LSAT score, which is fine. But DU, and many of the other schools are going to require that I take the GRE. Which in the past has totally freaked me out. (That thing has MATH on it!)  It's the combination of my undergrad GPA and my GRE score that are going to get me into school here. Like I said, my GPA is nothing to brag about;  overall undergrad GPA was 2.889, with my upper division GPA coming in at 3.1 or 3.01, I forget.  Not impressive for graduate school. My high school GPA was 2.89... Sadly consistent.  I wish I could go back and care about grades... I always just did what needed to be done to get things done. The only classes I really tried in were Math- and that's because I was TERRIBLE at it. I worked really hard for C's, maybe a few B's, and definitely one A in a remedial Pre-Algebra class I "tested" into even though I had already passed Pre-Alg in junior high just fine. (Always my weak point. I'll pass the class and fail the placement exam every time. Did the same thing when I went to college. Back to Pre-Alg! WTFreak? I passed Geometry and Advanced Algebra just fine people, stop giving me placement tests and I'll stop failing them!) So, given my GPA, this means I'm going to need a fantastic GRE score... or go to a school that will take my LSAT score, like University of Oregon. The GRE really intimidates me and is a huge amount of work, commitment on top of my already crazy schedule and let's face it, mental problems. lol I would have to start working on it soon too, like, now. Scary.


For those of you that have taken the GRE, or had spouses or close friends take the GRE... how has it gone? What's your advice or recommendations about it? The test will be changing as of August and they will be making dramatic changes. I read an excerpt about it in a Princeton Review book and they flat out did not have nice things to say about it.  They don't think it has been done well, or sufficiently tested, and the exam has been lengthened from 2.5 hours to 3 hours, 40 minutes. Sort of a dramatic difference. They've also changed the scoring. From a 1600 total  point scale it will go to a 170 total point scale. (Huh?) So now I'm in a bit of a straight... Do I test in the middle of July under the sturdy old testing system,  meaning I have approximately 6-7 weeks to prepare? Or do I have faith in the new test, and can test in, say, September or October. 


Which is the right choice?


And again, is this the right choice for me?


Gotta say again, finding the U of Denver thing was SUPER exciting... That the school was so beautiful and historical... it was just everything I wanted was amazing. But the average undergraduate applicant (coming in from HS) is in the top 25% of their class. That was definitely not Emily. I need a GRE that dazzles... Can I do that in July? Can I do that at all?  If I take the GRE I have more choices in schools to apply to... But it's alot more for me to take on. And is this the right path? Now I feel maybe like Oregon is where I'm supposed to go. But is that because I've been working on trying to give up the CO idea? Or because I want to be by my Mom?


I can't even tell you how annoying it is to be an insecure, wishy-washy, freaked out person after never having been that way. I don't feel confidant in myself or my abilities anymore,  especially my decision making abilities and I need a lot of reassurance. (This is the therapy kicking in here.) I'm so grateful for therapy for helping me recognize this change in myself, and of course I understand that after such a huge shock and deception such as my experience with Matt, questioning my judgement now is only natural. It will take time for me to trust myself again. But right now, I need a lot of feedback and just, well, help. But where do I get that help outside of this blog?


For some reason I haven't wanted to talk about this much with the friends and family I do usually speak to on a regular basis, which is odd. I've just been talking about it here. Apparently, you are a privileged bunch. My dad, whom I am really close to and talk to just about every other day or so, doesn't know anything about it.