Proof of Service.

I took my practice GRE again, and I got 159 Verbal, 150 Math. Then 159 Verbal, 151 Math. Then 156 Verbal, 151 Math.

Hmmm.

The Verbal score is in the 85%ile, the Math in the 44%ile, but when I looked at similar degree fields to what I am pursuing (counseling, social work, sociology, etc.) my Math score was actually higher than the average for those fields. Who would have though an "F" would be above average?

I filed the proof of service with the court, and I was totally overwhelmed with anxiety. I was way more anxious and upset going through security, and while I made it without freaking, I had to keep my eyes closed while he waved the wand over me. I just could not overcome the thought that the next time I went to that courthouse, I was going to be seeing Matt. That is a truly awful thought.

At the counter I asked the clerk if Matt would be allowed to wear his uniform and bring his weapons. This thought overwhelms me. It's in the report how much I fear both of those things, and I am afraid he would try to manipulate or intimidate me by wearing a uniform. Or better yet, that he'd shoot me in court or in the parking lot. Or strangle me. I have these nightmares all the time about him lunging for me, grabbing me around the throat and shoving me into the wall in the court. I can't breathe, I can't swallow. Then I wake up.

The shooting dreams are faster. I just disappear. The sound of the shot echos in my ears though, even as I am disappearing.

The clerk called security and they said he would not be allowed to bring any weapons to court. She asked if he could come in uniform without weapons. The security guy said no. After she hung up, the clerk hesitated and said, she didn't know exactly what would happen if he "tried" it though. Then she asked me if I had a restraining order. I was visibly shaking and stammering at the counter. I was very tense.

I don't have a restraining order but I'm starting to wish I had filed one back then. Maybe it wouldn't have been warranted, he didn't verbally threaten me... he just scared the shit out of me and made me go running out of the house in terror. 

You know, small beans.

(Total sarcasm there.)

My friend who used to be a cop and is now an attorney said, once again, he'd be stupid to show up in uniform because he's not acting as an official representative of the CHP and he'd get into a boatload of trouble with his bosses if he pulled a stunt like that.  Wish I'd talked to her first before freaking out about that possibility for the last several months.

The clerk also said no one had yet called about the case and had not tried to change the date or anything like that.

We won't know if this is our real court date until next Thursday.

In other news, my therapist caught on to the fact that I had been avoiding talking about Matt the last couple of weeks and confronted me about it. I broke down and had the shakes and cried and it was terrible. I just don't want to think about it. I am consciously avoiding it. She said it's not going to get better, and I won't be able to cope with all of these stressors on the day of if I don't pull it together now and start dealing with this stuff. She's probably right, but I don't like it. Sorry, I'm a procrastinator. Especially with painful, awful, bad stuff.

Tonight I saw a picture I didn't like of Matt. Posing, being fake, pretending to be a normal guy. At first I banged my fist down on the table in anger. Then my stomach hurt. Then I vomited, and vomited and vomited.

My throat is sore. And I am angry.