On finding point and purpose

I've reflected a lot the last year on what exactly "the point" is the last year. Living with intention, and "What exactly is it that makes you happy?"
"What do you want to do with your life?"
"What are the things you want to do?"

Some things I thought of were:

• traveling
• cooking and baking
• learning the guitar
• improving my foreign language skills (I know French, German and ASL fairly terribly)
• gardening and growing my own food stuffs
• being more intentional with my actions

I have reflected on the travel piece a number of times, and I try to take advantage of every holiday weekend I can. This year I have been to Australia (including the island of Tasmania), China, Olympic National Park, Mount Rainier National Park, Seattle, (car camped on that trip), Mount Lassen National Park, Yosemite National Park, Connecticut (Gilmore Girls Fan Fest! Amazing!), Asilomar (just for a conference) and I'll travel to the UK, Turkey, and eastern Europe (Poland, Hungary, Slovenia and Croatia, as well as ring in the new year in Paris this year. I want to see everything I can. 

As far as cooking, I probably am not improving much on that front, but I did become vegetarian this year, (for the 4th time), but this is the longest I have stuck with this. Tying in to that "living intentionally," idea, I have always been bothered over the idea of the treatment of animals, and the longer I go without consuming meat, the more I am overwhelmed with conviction about my decision. I never cared much about meat before, unless it was very processed so I really don't feel like I am missing out. The only thing I miss might be McDonald's and that's not that big of a deal. I can get a cheeseburger with not meat, and I still get the same experience with the fries, toy and the tiny onions, which I love! I also have found so much reward with intentionally avoiding plastic, processed food, and preparing food for myself. I eat out so much less, and get MOST of my food from the farmer's market. 

Connecting to this, I learned to bake my own sourdough this year, as well as kombucha. This eliminated my need for soda because I brew my own at home! It's so easy, very little effort and makes me feel like I am doing something good for my body and i am saving SO MUCH ALUMINUM AND WASTE! I don't feel like I am rotting my teeth or giving myself brain cancer anymore by drinking LaCroix or soda by the case load. Instead I get fruit from the farmer's market once a week, infuse it, and let it ferment. That's it!

The sourdough I was eating too much of, so I made sourdough pancakes and English muffins, and mastered mixing in nuts and herbs from the garden and when I had mastered all of that I just started giving away my loaves. It's been loads of fun, and again I am delighted in being able to maintain a project, know exactly what's going in my body and it's so much cheaper. And so much less waste. 

I've made no progress on learning the guitar or progressing with my language skills, and my garden suffered severely this year as I was off my feet for six months with my foot injury. I was in a boot and then a cast, and crutches and a scooter from March- August this year and that kept me from getting to the backyard at all. I did get tomatoes and peppers down and they are still producing. Better luck next year. I just put down radish seed. We'll see how that goes. 

I'm still alone. I struggle so much because Clifton never ceases contact and I cannot bear to let go, but I cannot move on if he is talking to me. I am more isolated than ever. I love my little house, but I don't want to live here and struggle internally so much. I am getting older and haven't moved forward with the life milestones I had hoped I had reached by now. The depression is so normalized that coming out of a spell to dysthymia was enough to terminate with my therapist. I am confused by my alternating low self esteem (which I had never experienced before), and a deep conviction of how much I like myself and my hobbies and interests and why WOULDN'T someone like me or want to date me? It's so mixed up. 

Beyond this, my weight is up again, quite a bit, and I want to get it under control and I am unsure how. Every time I have become vegetarian in the past I have gained weight, the sedentary last year due to my injury was of no help to that plight and now I find myself 36 pounds above goal weight and no progress thus far. I am doing yoga several days a week now (that's good), and my steps are up, but I'm not consistently hitting my step goal (was 8,000 but I bumped it to 10,000 today despite only hitting 2,500 today... ugh.)  and I've gone to the gym maybe 4 times since I've gotten out of the boot. 

I WANT to get back to my goal weight and I want to make progress on my life. Where do you get the motivation to do that?

I also constantly find myself seeking "something." I'm not exactly sure what it is I'm looking for... I look at etsy and instagram and pinterest but I'm not sure what it is. Maybe I'm missing the art in my life? I'm not sure. I'm seeking something, but... I have no idea what. I wish I could go back to eating chicken breasts and vegetables but I just can't bear to do it. 

On feeling worthless

No matter what experiences I've gone through- break ups, bad reviews, family fights, dropping out of law school- I've never thought of myself of "less than" or "unworthy."

For the first time, that's not true anymore. Since the break up with Clifton and changing managers (twice) since then, and coming to some resolutions about what I want for my life going forward (essentially nothing...) I have felt my life has no value, meaning or purpose. I am worthless. Literally no one wants me. It doesn't matter what I do or how many degrees I have and or how many publications I have, I am unwanted.

My family doesn't want me. They haven't asked me to spend a holiday with them in years.
I no longer visit close friends. I was asked not to.
Every partner I've had who has meant anything to me has left me.
My friends from college or grad school have told me things like they "might have a work assignment due two weeks from now so it's important they stay close to home." Or, I offered to come visit so we could all spend time together and go to a game together. "Oh I think we'd rather stay home." Ok. So I won't come fly a couple of states to come visit you then... because you don't want to walk ten minutes across your town. No suggestions of other activities so I'm going to take that as you are uninterested in general.
My thoughts and feelings in general are dismissed- at work, by friends. I asked a friend to trim a piece of hair I couldn't reach on the back of my head. She "textured" it with kitchen shears. It's horrifically uneven. I asked her why she did that and she said because that was better. It's my head, my body- did that matter? No.

I don't have any desire to be vulnerable any more. I don't want to be close to anyone, which goes against every fiber of my insides. I miss Clifton terribly and we had been texting all the time- something I thought meant something but it apparently didn't. A month of daily messages and we haven't seen each other. I'm not good enough.

It tears me up because there are things I use to want and I just can't anymore.

This horrible person at work harasses me about my personal life, laying on pressure about why I should do this or that or return to dating. I find it deeply offensive and violating that he talks about my life like this and yet he continues. I feel like I've lost my voice. I can't speak for myself anymore.

Personal Practice (Clifton)

[A proposal of words to say upon meeting after a shattering of hearts.]

Thanks for meeting me. 

I'd like to talk a bit before we do anything else. 

I need this for me. 

I feel like we are making a huge mistake here. 

I feel like I said and have been saying all of the wrong things and have been really rude and insensitive because I just didn't think how it would come off to you.  

It didn't really occur to me until the weekend but, when I thought I was trying to check in with you, it probably just sounded really complain-y and passive aggressive on the couch that night. 

When I really thought about it, it probably sounded like an ultimatum. Which is not what I have meant at all. All I wanted was to hear what you thought and I 1.) don't think I ever asked that question very well and 2.) I think you tried to tell me as best you could that that's just not something you can do right now and I could not hear you. 

That's mea culpa. 

I've never done this before and I know that's a really lame excuse but it's the truth and I'm really sorry for how that felt on the receiving end. It probably sounded like some kind of fucked up all or nothing and never in a thousand years did I think that. If I thought that's what a relationship had to be like, I can totally see being apprehensive about being in one. 

I'm really sorry I did that to you.

Clifton, when I told you I was committed, I meant it. Our relationship can be whatever we want it to be. We can set whatever boundaries or rules we want. If we each need more alone time to do stuff that's OK. This is our relationship and we set the rules. I had told you I was so bored lately. I realized in the spring I had class one night, yoga another and homework! My life was crazy. No wonder it feels so empty now. It's not your responsibility to fill every hole. 

I just love having my buddy to share life with and that's what I want to do. I need to find some balance here. I love being home but I need to find ways to be intellectually stimulated away from work because it's so stressful. I know you already have a lot of this figured out. I really want us to start fresh here. I really believe it would be a mistake not to. It would be a disservice to us both to not fully see this year out. Our relationship is the BEST and we have so much more to do with each other. I really do not care about the rest as long as I'm with you. 

<3 i="">

Irrepreble Damage: Getting to Acceptance

Daniel and I are once again in a place where we aren't communicating. For reasons that are once again a mystery to me. It's 2:00am and I'm just sitting here thinking, this has to be done. I've been watching a particular TV show on repeat for the last week and there are a couple of episodes that speak to death of a spouse and grieving a divorce and issues with infidelity... And I sit here and I reflect on these women's comments who have already crossed through to the other side. And I think about the lies Daniel told me when we were together. The push-pull he put me through. The hesitancy in committing. The instantaneous rebound after we took our break. The other fling. The things I have suspected that have gone on since. His inability to be consistent with contact, friendship, communication- pains me in ways... I can't even... And it's still ongoing. He talks about carrying guilt about how he treated me last fall but he's still treating me that way. It's still happening.


How could we possibly ever come back from this? I love him. Let me repeat that.

I LOVE HIM.

I AM IN LOVE WITH HIM.

To the depths of my soul, I love and appreciate all of the beautiful qualities about this man, but when he told me he was broken he meant business. (Or maybe he's just an asshole like the rest of them.) this breaks my heart, but every day that passes and every negative incident that happens is one more log on the fire, blowing this up and taking us further down this horrendous rabbit hole into hell. Our relationship and connection was magic. And nothing will ever make me forget that. But how could we ever repair this? Now I question whether we ever could. Part of me can't forgive him for that either- for ruining this for US. Not just the things that have happened, but for continuing to throw us away. Even our friendship. Why? It pains me so deeply. Like a twisted knife. Walking away from someone I would equate to the closest thing I've ever had to a true soul mate feels like a mistake. But with timing this bad, the universe doesn't seem to want us together right now. Or as Daniel has told me, (more than once), he has a terrible habit of over complicating things. He certainly accomplished that with me.

Get off my Jock

I don't think anyone can really relate to the hardship of "moving on," or "letting go," unless they have truly experienced large, traumatic losses.

I have been on the receiving end of unsolicited advice from several friends who, if I share with them some of my processing, they will interject that "maybe it's time you move on."

This is the single most frustrating, irritating and over time, infuriating comment. What is it that you think I am doing? I write, I talk, I cry, I am traveling, and I am working on myself. I sat in therapy every week talking about all of this stuff. So what exactly about any of that doesn't meet YOUR judgmental view of "moving on"? Do I need to have sex with, have a relationship with or marry someone else? Because I find that to be absurd. Why is there so much judgment in the process of healing? Why can't each person just experience it at their own pace, and in their own way? Why do we need to project our own world view on other people? What benefit does this service to the healing person? Other than to feel judged? I carry with me so many nasty, hurtful, judgmental comments forced upon me by well meaning friends. They are not helpful. In fact, they can be debilitating.

I am assuming these people want me to become intimately involved with someone new. This is incongruent with my personal beliefs. I could not hold hands, kiss, or spend any kind of intimate time with someone I wasn't developing serious feelings for; or in love with. I've never gone beyond a first date with someone I wasn't seriously interested in or who didn't have solid potential. But, if I have said, I am as emotionally available as a tree stump... then how could I be open enough with someone knew to explore that potential, or frankly, to even recognize it? It's a little absurd. Also, I would never ever do to someone else what has been done to me. It's wrong. I'm not emotionally available. I'm working through my baggage. No relationships for me right now. Which means, none of those other things that come with that. I need to be alone, or to move slowly. Just because your post relationship processing looks different than mine does not mean I am not working through it. It means we are different people with different values. Which is fine! I don't date for the sake of dating. That is wildly uncomfortable for me. I believe in dating with a purpose. Without that purpose, I feel lost. I see no point. I'm just wasting everyone's time otherwise.

So please, people who don't even read this blog... Get off my jock.

A Low Week

I am not having a good week. I feel down, I am crying all of the time, my eating has been terrible-I am having really strong urges to binge and I feel so lost. All I want to do is run. Either run away, or park my ass on Daniel's house and force this conversation my body keeps screaming I need to have with him.

Logically, my brain says this is a terrible idea. My friends say this is a terrible idea. Google says this is a terrible idea.

But my heart.

How do you know the difference between listening to your intuition, and knowing what is right for yourself, and just crazy girl talk? I don't know. How do you discern the difference between "good" advice from friends, and just seeking out the validation you want to hear from some people, and dismissing what you don't want to hear from other people? How do you filter out the "noise" people project on to you? I recently shared some insights from therapy with a close friend and she told me those observations seemed very obvious and I had to be really naïve to have not caught on to them before. The insights were MAJOR for me, and her comments bothered me deeply, so I discussed them in therapy the next week, and my therapist said... That person is just repeating back to you some reaction someone else gave her once. That's her shit. Not your shit. Your revelation is yours.

I went to the doctor today to do a post-break up check up. I've had some funny things happen with my body since the break up that I could not diagnose with my pal Dr. Google and so I utilized my great ghetto insurance for the first time and got some testing done. Speaking with the doctor, she thinks I'm just having some fun "You're over 30!" body changes. Joy. Better that than other stuff, but she still ordered every damn test under the sun just in case. For someone who has been celibate for almost 6 years it is incredible to me that I still have to worry about crap.

My therapist has brought it up several times, and I drunkenly texted a friend a similar comment last week: I think I need to talk to him. Either the universe will bring us together randomly, or he will reach out to me, or I am going to turn up on his front porch. Because this isn't done yet.

When we said good bye at my house that day, I thought I was saying good bye to my boyfriend and trying to adjust to a friendship with him. A brief period of separation and then a probably very awkward adjustment period. I had huge paranoia that I wouldn't see him again, but we agreed that wasn't what was going to happen. I felt very worried and panicky over this, but this was supposed to be a transition, not a good bye. So I was trying very hard to hold on to that.

This has turned into something totally different. Daniel running away from me at the record store last week- SERIOUSLY WHAT WAS THAT? Why is this a thing now? There was no love lost here! There was no problem between us! So why is there now? If we were to get back together.. We would have a lot to work through at this point because my trust issues have been majorly triggered. I hope that I have done enough work on my own that it wouldn't be a giant mountain to overcome, but it would be something. But if we are going to have no interaction in the future, I feel like I need a good bye and closure. Everything I have read says, I am never going to get what I need from him. But why does my gut say the exact opposite? What exactly am I supposed to listen to? Is everything I am experiencing normal, or should I just reach out and make this happen? I'm so confused. If I just keep waiting will the soul ache go away? But then again... I don't really want it to. Because I miss him and I am not done with this yet. I can't move on until I am done with this.

Lost

It's 8 weeks today since Daniel and I broke up and I still feel so very lost. I feel like I don't know myself. I don't know who I am or what I want from my life. Every day I wake up, and lay curled up in this tight little ball and wish something other than last fall had every happened. Anything. That I never met him, or that I stayed in Oregon, or that he had been honest from the beginning and we had perhaps been friends instead of falling in love. Anything else. In September I was very, very ready to meet someone. And now I am so far set back I don't even know how long this is going to take me to get over this. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I will just wake up tomorrow and POOF all of these feelings and confusion will be gone.

Maybe.

There was this moment when we were breaking up- I can definitively point to it. I know what floor board I was staring at. And it felt like someone reached over and just blew out this little figurative candle I have carried and protected in my chest all of these years. Dreams I carried since childhood of being a parent, partner, homeowner and so on. Woosh. Out that candle went. And all of my dreams went with it.

I've never felt that sensation before. Not even with Matt. Even with Matt I still carried that candle that I wanted all of those dreams to come true. I worried endlessly that they wouldn't and worked hard to ensure they would.

This time, that little light went out.

I don't know if I want those things anymore. I don't know exactly what I want.

I know I am afraid to risk myself with someone again.

I have come to believe you can "make it work," with lots of people. I think Daniel's past testified to that. So does mine. There are personality matches, and then there are those deeper emotional matches, soul matches- what I believe this was. And I don't know that I could handle loosing someone I connected with as deeply as Daniel again. But how do you settle for a "make it work" person after having had a emotional soul match like the one I just had?

I'm probably just wounded.

Like Daniel's friend said when we first started dating... I'm a stage 5 clinger. It was the truth. To me, this was offensive. We were in a relationship. Why would it matter if I was clingy or not? Wasn't that sort of the point? The problem with that was, Daniel should have been out having a fling. Which was his friend's point. To his friend, the fact I had been single so long was a giant red flag. I wasn't someone out for a fling. Daniel didn't pick up on this. But that was because Daniel didn't pick up on the fact that HE should have been out having a fling.

I don't know what I want now. At this point, I'm probably the one who should be having a fling. Except that that's not me. My friends have talked me into two first dates and I'm just about done with that now. I left the second date upset, lonely for Daniel and reflective that regardless of how lonely I am in general, it's going to take me quite a bit of time to get over this relationship. The last time we saw each other, Daniel told me he probably wasn't going to be able to start dating until next summer. Now, while I suspect he has already started dating, (and has perhaps already had an entire relationship/fling and break up since me....) this estimate is in all honesty probably going to be the accurate trajectory for myself. But that's just how significant this relationship was for me.

I feel like crap. I'm depressed. I don't know who or what I'm looking for. I don't know if I want to get married anymore. I don't know if I want kids. I don't even know that I want to stay in Sacramento. Honestly, I don't know that I can. Every time I come here, I am parlayed with one horrible experience after another. Assuming this turns out how I expect (I never see or hear from Daniel again, just like every other significant partner in my life has abandoned me) I don't know that I really want to be here anymore. Especially if I don't have long term plans or goals for myself... Maybe I just want to start over somewhere else. Without plans, the world really is my oyster and I'd rather spend my time exploring it. The only idea that truly excites me at this point is travel. If I had funds, I wouldn't even be here right now, I'd be in an old VW Bus, on the road. Or in Europe with a back pack. Or in SE Asia. Anywhere but here. I do want a job and a career, and I have been playing with the idea of once again continuing my education but the student loan thing stops me in my tracks.

Since those things aren't options right now, I am working on getting a job, exploring the hobbies I enjoy (concerts, music, guitar, roadtrips, swing dancing and so on) and trying to take care of myself. And working on my social life. I'm doing the best I can.

I know this post is exploding with depression. But that's just where I am at right now.

Reality of the Situation

It's been 5 1/2 weeks since things abruptly ended with Daniel. And I'm still feeling... Lost. Empty. Confused. Missing him. Like it was a mistake.

I'm also somewhat angry at him. This, I believe, was a stronger match than how he presented his last two relationships, and he pissed all over it. He ruined it by first, not taking care of himself and being truly ready for me, which was incredibly selfish on his part. One of his favorite quotes is about love serving others- one of my favorite concepts about love is meeting your partner with a servant's heart. You care not just about them, but for them. You take care of each other. You don't just think about yourself. You consider all parties. He didn't do this.

Beyond that, he was dishonest about his relationship history. When we talked about it, he mitigated it by saying he "pushed back the dates," but the truth is he just lied. The first lie, which was understandably rooted from self consciousness, embarrassment, or something similar (he said he liked me so much and just didn't know what to say), consequently led  to another, and another. While I absolutely  feel I got to know the spirit of him as a human, I missed huge chunks of his life experience by not knowing what he had been through not just that last year, but those last few months, and that deeply affected our relationship. Even him just hiding his photo albums on Facebook did that. That's your life buddy. You don't need to pretend it didn't happen! I want to know ALL of you!


Oddly, and I have no idea if he ever reflected on this, but we really rose above all of the baggage he kept dragging into our relationship. We worked hard-pretty naturally- and swam through it. We were good with each other. Even my stuff- I have pretty bad anxiety at times, and I fed off his depression and confusion like it was kindling. He clearly was a bit stressed by it at the end, but he also listened to me with an open heart when we talked about it, if I at least felt he did. I felt heard. I also felt like he was a good calming piece for me. We each have our challenges in life, anxiety has been one of mine the last couple years. I've worked hard to manage it and since I haven't always had it, I hope it'll die down with time and as life stressors reduce. He was a good support to me. I think he knew that; I hope he did. We were good partners.

Which again brings me back to question why he bailed. I never would have left. I would have worked with him through any array of shit to that point, as long as we did it as a team. Just don't shut me out. That was my one real deal breaker.


What prompted me to write today- tapping this out on my phone, on a blow up mattress in my teenage bedroom at my dad's house no less- is the awful thought I had today is this relationship that ended 51/2 weeks ago will soon be rendered meaningless. Probably first by him, and eventually by me too. Realistically speaking, we only dated a couple of months. I can argue three months, and I can honestly say we dated "all last fall," because that's true, but it was an incredibly brief period of time in comparison to the big picture of our lives. The intensity of our relationship is going to fade- especially if we are both working at it. We've wiped each other off social media (something I regret with every part of my being and it feels likes yet another loss) and there is no communication between us. My gut says the Sacramento area now holds bad memories for him, and like after his first serious relationship ended, he's going to move once school ends. And honestly, that's kind of where I am at as well. I'm so angry this is where we are at because it shouldn't have turned out like this. It's truly absurd. Even K and I are friends, but Daniel and I... He won't even speak to me. What did I do? I loved and supported him, and worried about his well being. I'm sorry that's wounding to you? What? I mean, I do understand. If he has anything remotely in the same ballpark of feelings for me like I do for him, then it would be upsetting to interact with me. And yet, we don't have to be apart, that's a choice you felt you had to make, so... Why are we separated if you have feelings for me? ... I'm being critical here, I know. And it's unfair. I know that too. But I miss him. I wish he was in my life. It's yet another loss. I've had so many of those...

Which leaves me with these cringe inducing thoughts. One day not long from now he'll be in a relationship with someone else (some bitchy ho) and he'll say, "Yeah, I went to X spot once, this girl I went on a couple dates with took me there I think. Don't really remember." And that'll be it.




This extremely meaningful, soulful, connected, most special relationship I ever had is going to be reduced to a big old nothing. Forgotten and faded away. Maybe that's why I like Ryan Adam's "Wildest Dreams" so much.

Without Hope

I have never felt so deprived of hope before. Like my soul is empty.

After Matt, I am beginning to realize, my grief was two fold. Mourning the person was one thing. It felt like he died. Mourning the lost dreams was another, but it was the trauma itself that caught me for so long. I muddied these things all together, but the grief for the actual person and relationship, had it been it's own separate thing would not have taken as long had it not been for the trauma. It was the trauma that was the problem. Of course for those of you that have read this blog for a long time may feel like that's a "duh," but for me, I'm just getting there.

The day I walked out of Daniel's house, it was like this little light inside me blew out. This little candle I had kept protected and sheltered had been abrupted gone dark, like someone slammed a door too quickly. The hope felt gone. I don't know that I've ever felt that way before. Maybe that is my brain protecting me from the feelings I felt during that awful time after Matt, but maybe not. My heart says not.

Before, I questioned the world, how can there be someone else out there for me, when this fictionalized person invented this perfect person for me? I worried and wondered if someone could exist.

I don't feel that way this time.

Before I always felt that there was something. Something greater out there.

And I don't this time.

It just feels like... The love is gone.

Both during and after Matt I had love quotes hung up all over my house. I got a necklace that said "All is Well," and another that said "Hope." I wore these necklaces so much the chains rotted and I had to replace both necklaces a couple of times. I really believed them though. I wore them as reminders as what I believed.

I have these two framed quotes in my bathroom, "If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all of my life." and "Your Mr Darcy is Out there."

I've had these forever.

I tried to wear my Hope necklace a couple of times the last week. If I had no hope, maybe I can wear it, and the belief will come. But when I woke up with it on my neck this morning it felt like a lie and I had to take it off. I don't believe that right now. It's not that I don't think there are plenty of people in the world that lots of people can "make it work" with. There are. But now having had something different... I just don't know what to do with all of my feelings.

I had to turn all of the love quotes in my house to face the walls last week. Many I hid under the bed or under couches. And I'm about to take the two ones I quoted above and remove them as well. I just do not believe in them right now. It's too painful to look at.

It's not that I don't believe he is out there. It's that I am afraid he was.

I'm still here.

I hope I haven't worried you.

I just got an email from someone who wanted to make sure I was okay because I wasn't blogging. I guess it's been more than a month since I've updated and given the tone of most of my posts...I can see how that would give you cause for concern... I haven't blogged on my work blog in a week either, so I wasn't sure which blog they were referencing, (aka, the context in which they knew me) and even though I recognized their first name as someone I thought I knew from this blog, I wasn't totally sure... So I didn't want to launch into "where I've been" in case it was a client or "fan" of my work talking about my work blog. But I think I know who it was... but I wasn't sure. I don't know this gal's last name in real life, at least, I didn't remember it.

Anyway, I answered the note neutrally until I know how the writer knows me- from my personal life, or professional life, and then I can either spill my guts or give a professional answer and chuckle [professionally, of course.]

Where have I been?

I'm sure you'd like to hear about me lounging on a beach in the bahamas with a pina colada and a cabana boy and doing excellent, but that hasn't been the case. :(

At the end of the September a reader confided about some deceit she had caught her spouse in- explosive, like mine, although not the same situation, and it's really hard for me to be neutral or helpful because I just, well can't. I don't know how to help. I still have one more email from that person I keep meaning to open and haven't. I'm such a mess myself I don't know how to be a support to someone else. It makes me feel terrible because that's not who I used to be. I feel like I don't have much left to give, but maybe that's because I'm still trying to heal? On the other hand, I know how much it means to ME when other people share their stories with me so maybe I need to try harder. It's just SO HARD.

October was an incredibly rough month. I went off all but one of my medications. (I'm on three.) I ran out of my anti-depressants that had been perscribed to me when I had Kaiser last year (that I had hoarded) and was left with just my anxiety meds. This was not a good idea. I saw a psychiatrist for the first time since last fall and she officially diagnosed me as PTSD and tried to give me a Xanax prescription, she really felt I needed it, but as I have a sister who is a recovering addict (six years sober!) I am not comfortable taking any medication that is easily abused or is easy to become dependant on. We have multiple addicts and users in my family. My sister was a methamphetamine addict for 10 years. we are lucky she is alive, let alone a productive member of society with a great job, a partner and a college degree. I don't want to expose myself to medication that I may be prone to being "attracted" to, even though I have never abused or used drugs.  After explaining all of this to the doctor, she agreed and wrote me new Rx's for my medication. The problem was, with my new insurance, I lied when I applied and told them I didn't have any mental health issues because I believe that is why Kaiser terminated me, and I feared they would not accept me if they knew the extent of my problems right now. So I was going to have to pay for this doctor's appointment ($300) out of pocket, and these Rx's. I had to find a pharmacy, which was really overwhelming for someone who is off their medication and crying all day. The doctor also wrote the Rx for the wrong dosage on one medication, and wanted to call in the correct dosage into whatever pharmacy I used, rather than just writing me a new 'script, which if you know me, or at least how I have been since all of this has happened, that is just really overwhelming and upsetting. So before I could get my complete Rx, I had to find a pharmacy. I was officially "paralyzed" from doing anything because of this, if that makes any sense.

I was dealing with all of this stuff off my meds. It was UGLY.  Try coping with extremely stressful, emotional situations when you're dealing with untreated major depressive disorder. VERY BAD.  I thought about ways to "get out" alot. Calmly, rationally. Like, emailing people lists of things that needed to be done after I was gone. That's the kind of "clarity" that comes with being off medication. My therapist was NOT pleased. She gave me a deadline to find a pharmacy, which was Tuesday of this week- November 1st.

On Monday, Halloween, I went to Target and Walmart and got quotes for my medication. My anixety medication apparently runs almost $300 for a one month's supply in generic form. I have never felt so desperate. How am I supposed to treat myself, or take care of myself with a medical bill like that? Especially if I have to hide it from my insurance? I was surpringsly calm (I still had more pills of that medication left, I hadn't run out yet, and the other two medications were cheaper, $15/month and $60/month). I checked CanadaDrugs.com, but it was the same story... that one drug was really expensive.

Finally I thought to check Costco and that was a lifesaver. I got the two cheaper medications for $30ish bucks and the expensive one I think it only $60/month. DOWN FROM $300! How is that even possible?! It is such a blessing and a relief! Thank you Costco!

I started my anti-depressants again on Tuesday afternoon. They have me on a new kind of pill- called extended release, instead of suspended release (sustained release?) which means I only have to take a pill once a day instead of twice. I took it Tuesday and Wednesday and forgot today. :( It's funny though, by Wednesday, I was already starting to feel better...


The other bad thing that happened in October was at a wedding. I was... I guess... assaulted by a guest at a wedding I was working at. I was getting ready to shoot the first dance and had my back to him and I was looking at my camera. This man, a groomsman, ran his hands all over my body, groped me, and slapped me. I shoved him off me, and jumped away and told him to not touch me again. I started shaking really hard and started to cry, but by then the dance had started, so I had to start shooting. So I shot the first dance, crying and shaking like a leaf. As soon as it was over I went to the bathroom and cried. I texted my friend and told her what happened and tried to calm down.

I don't even like being hugged by men in my family. I get uncomfortable at family dinners sitting next to men I KNOW. In my German class, my teacher sends me out in the hall when we do group activities because I panic and start to cry if the men/boys in our class talk to me. This man... what he did... I don't know how they find me. I don't know how this, these things happen to me. Why? What have I done that makes people do things to me? I don't understand. I don't want to be a victim... But how do they FIND me?

*****
I feel like I should end this on a high note.

(Why I have NO IDEA)

I shot a wedding today, and I wore... A DRESS. From... ANTHROPOLOGIE! And.... PATTERENED TIGHTS! I know, RIGHT? Amazingness! I felt so chic! And I stuck a headband in my hair too! And blowdried it, and straightened it a little with the curling iron! (I think the cat peed on my straightener, so I didn't want to use that... [long awkward pause] anyway... So exciting, right? Oh, and the dress had POCKETS!

It was super expensive, the most expensive dress I have ever bought, I'm pretty sure, but I was thinking I could wear it to every wedding every weekend and just wear a different sweater set over it for the next five years. What do you think? It was very comfortable, the fabric is just so nice!

 

This is the dress. Mine has straps though- spaghetti straps, but straps none the less. Maybe they are removable. Maybe I should look and see. I really liked it BECAUSE it had straps. Today I wore it with a pumpkin orange sweater and pinky raspberry poetic license modest heels- for a couple hours. Then my feet were killing me, so I switched to black flats with bows on them from Target. I really wish someone had taken my picture or that I had taken  a picture in a mirror because I really liked how I looked!

It guess it's over. (They finished the investigation.)

The sergeant hasn't even sent me back the corrected statement yet. How can they be finished with it? Don't I have to sign it first?

The fact it says in this letter that it will be kept on file for five years says to me he will be keeping his job. I didn't know this was coming, in fact, this was postmarked August 31st, and I just got it out of the post box today, Sept 5th. When I picked it up and felt how thin it was... I felt worried. How can they be done when I haven't signed anything? When they made all those mistakes in the report? I haven't even heard back from the sergeant yet.  And it's over. This is it. This is all I get. I can't even get my friends to help me or return my calls, let alone the highway patrol or law offices. It just makes me want to give up... on everything. What's the use? There is no mention of the cuffing incident, or the forgeries, which I realize where off-duty but they included them in the report, so why include them at all? I feel so violated and just, abandoned, by everybody. My friends can't even deal with me.  I don't even want to deal with me anymore. Because I can't even help myself. It's over and there is no relief.

Betrayal: After the Interview

Maybe if I can just.. think of him as having really passed away. If he is really gone, if he is not on Earth any more, than what I have done has not betrayed him. If I can just accept that he is gone and doesn't exist anymore and that this isn't him, that I am not talking about him, that I did not sit in that room, and shake and cry and tell those officers all of the things he did... maybe it will be better. If I can just grieve him, grieve my loss of him, and just miss him in the way my heart misses him, then maybe the pains and pangs of betrayal and hurt won't be so terrible. It is so terrible. I can't even tell you how terrible it is. When I left the house, the last thing I did was listen to Stephanie Nielson's video from her blog, as I have many times, and I drew peace from that. I've seen it so many times I didn't need to watch it. I walked out of the house thinking, "He is at my right hand and at my left. My right hand and at my left. My right and my left. Right and left. Right and left. Right and left." Over and over again. It is one of the most terrible things I have ever done.

"When suffering, we may in fact be nearer to God than we’ve ever been in our entire lives. That knowledge can turn every such situation into a would-be temple.


Regarding our earthly journey, the Lord has promised:

I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up. [D&C 84:88]


That is an everlasting declaration of God’s love and care for us, including—and perhaps especially—in times of trouble."

Elder Holland

30,000 Foot Freak Out

My trip to DC didn't exactly start out so hot. First of all, I spent the two hour drive from Sacramento to Reno crying hysterically and wishing I could drive into a tree or off a bridge. But I didn't because I "didn't have time." Seriously. That was the thought I had. I didn't have time to drive off a bridge because I would miss my flight. Right. About an hour into my drive I realized I hadn't been taking one of my anti-depressants (Celexa) which sort of cleared up as to why I was thinking those thoughts and why I was crying so much, and I started kicking myself because I didn't have that medication with me so I wouldn't be able to take it for the next six days either. Great. It's the only medication I take once a day so it's easier to forget... I'm back on it now, and luckily, I seemed to settle down once I was on the East Coast and I was careful about taking my other medications right on time, which I'm sure helped with my mood.

I had pretty much calmed down by the time I got the airport and really forgotten all about my break down in the car by the time I got on the plane, right up until they closed the cabin door and a man in his twenties with an ipod plopped down in the center seat beside me. (I was in the window). My whole body instantly tensed up. I began to shake. It had never occurred to be that I would have an issue with this or I would have to anticipate an issue with something like this. Before I knew it, I was trying to breathe my way through a full-out anxiety attack and trying to decide if I should make a run for it right now as the plane is starting to taxi down the runway with this man who is absolutely terrifying me sitting next me, brushing up against me, making me jump every time he touches me, making me feel dirty and disgusting... I feel so violated... just so dirty... I want to get away. I have to get away from him... Or if I can get through the next 15 minutes until we hit cruising altitude so I can ask the stewardess to reseat me on this completely full flight. I start frantically popping my head out of the top of my row to make sure there aren't any other empty seats while my chest starts heaving, trying to keep my crying as quiet as possible, trying to keep myself from just totally losing it.

Finally I pressed myself flat against the window, shuddering and crying until the the blessed seat belt sign clicked off, at which point I ordered him and the woman on the aisle seat out, threw myself out of the row and ran to the back of the plane where I burst into tears in front of the flight attendant, whom I'm sure probably thought the plane was being taken over by terrorists or something. But oh, no, it's just crazy Emily having a panic attack because she cant handle sitting next to a guy on a plane for 4 hours. I finally got the words out between all my chokey sobs (just like a little kid) and she just promptly fiddled around in the cupboards for a second and ordered me to "Drink this and Take this" and handed me a cup of clear fluid and some pills. I followed orders and stood in the back of the plane while the flight attendants talked over a private radio about what was going on, found someone to change into my old seat, moved my bags, came back to check on me, found my cup empty, refilled it, told me to drink it and once I did, said I should sleep the rest of the flight.

I had started to calm down about this time; I had been standing in the back of the plane with my head between my knees for about twenty minutes but I started to feel kind of woozy. It was about then that I realized that the flight attendant hadn't just given me any old drink. She'd gotten me drunk and drugged me. OH. That's what that stuff was. OOPS. The pills? Dramamine. The beverage? White wine. Tasted like flat 7up. How I spent the rest of the flight? Drunk and drugged.  Those flight attendants sure do know how to get hysterical passengers to sit down and hush up. Which I did. I spent the rest of the flight passed out in an aisle seat next to two little old ladies planning a trip to Turkey. When I came to HOURS later, the lady next to me leaned over, asked it I was okay and feeling better and chatted excitedly about her trip. I mostly forgot about the whole thing after that.

[shudders]

You can bet I was pretty darn careful about where I sat on the next three flights I took the rest of the way out there and then on the way back. (And carefully sniffed every other drink they gave me... lol Um, drinking alcohol was really not on my plan, nor am I supposed to consume it with all the medications I'm on anyway!)

Wondering

#1 I am breaking out in hives.

#2 I keep finding approximately inch long white hairs growing out of the top of my head. WHAT? An inch implies new growth, which implies that it is some sort of stress factor related to all of this. So are you telling me I am going to be some balding white haired lady before I'm 30? Are you KIDDING me?

#3 I went to the anxiety class; I had them bill me. I'm not going to go to the depression support group. Of course the second I typed that I now feel overwhelemed with anxiety about not going and I don't know if I can handle not going even though I can't afford it and AHHHHH.

#4 I started wondering today (well it's 330am so I guess yesterday) whether I had betrayed Matt because I went and told his wife when I found out instead of going to him to discuss it and talk about it with him. Did I betray our relationship by doing that? Suddenly I feel like I"ve done something wrong, like I wronged him, like maybe he is angry with me. It made me upset. My thinking is probably convaluted but it made me upset to think about that.

#5 Some man tried to approach me on the street while I was trying to look at a flyer for a house and wouldn't leave me alone. There was probably nothing wrong with him, but I couldn't bear to look up at him and just kept looking at the paper and trying to walk away and make him go away. I don't know what to do. I don't want them to talk to me. I don't want MEN to talk to me. I want them to go away. They scare me, they make me anxious, I'm afraid they are going to do something to me, I'm afraid they are going to hurt me and I want to run away and cry when they approach me but that makes me a crazy person so I have to find something else to do, so what do I do???

#6 Allison, my friend, assigned me the homework of inspecting some random man's shoes in my anxiety class as some sort of desensitizing exercise. I got there late and ended up sitting by the door so while I was staring at the floor, per usual, I got to check out everyone's shoes when they came in. I think I saw work boots and blue flip flops and some nasty old man's bare feet again. Am I cured now?

I want to SCREAM and THROW THINGS I am so frustrated!

Emily's terrible, no good, very bad day.

First, for anybody that missed it, or has any questions or comments regarding pictures, please read the comments from my last post. I seriously can't handle any more discussion on that front because it is too upsetting.



Today was a really terrible, no good very bad day... someone just reminded me of that book and well, it's currently the theme of my life so why not make it a blog title?



I had some serious mental breakdowns in the last 24 hours regarding my fianances and trying to get help for myself. I realized I'm paying right around $500 out of pocket in co-pays, fees, etc for Kaiser this month ALONE. Did I mention that (despite the fanciness of my work blog and being published and all) I haven't had income in months and I am living on my savings? So every penny that I am paying out trying to help myself dig out of this pit of hell is really just digging me deeper in, because once I run out of money, where am I supposed to go? A cardboard box? What am I supposed to do, be the bag lady with a couple of cats loitering around the target parking lot?



Anyway, I engaged in several hysterical crying phone calls, which decrased in hysteria with each following call I made, but still. I don't know how I'm supposed to pay for all of this. They have me in all of these classes and support groups and I have to go in and see the N.P. and have my medication monitored, all of which costs a crapload of money. I finally found private counseling! Oh yeah! Great, right? With an intern! So it's cheap, right? Nope! $40 a session! That's only $10 less than Kaiser, and when I realized on Thursday afternoon just how much money I had paid in copays this week alone (over $100) I instantly wanted to cancel that therapy appointment that I have tried for so many weeks to get- But on, no! They have a required 24 hours cancelation policy so I couldn't cancel it! So there's another $40! I burst into tears as soon as I got in her office but she didn't offer me any concessions. My mom (who is a therapist) made the comment that when she was an intern (which wasn't all that long ago mind you) that she didn't get paid at all, so this intern who had told me she gets less than half of what I pay her... well, is that my problem?! But now what am I supposed to do?



I had another meltdown in the depression group I went to today about it as well. I tried to find the leader to talk to her about this before I paid to see if she thought I should stay or not and I couldn't find her and I didn't know what to do so I went down and paid- well I guess I forgot my credit card because all I had was my debit. I charge EVERYTHING. I charge it so I can juggle it for a few months, and because I need to reserve every penny of cash I have for things I have to pay in cash- like rent. And I had to pay for the freaking class in cash.




Then when I got back up to the room there were a bunch of men in there. I don't know if I have mentioned this already on the blog but I have been having major issues being around men- being around any man in general is triggering anxiety and panic attacks. The second I got back in the room and realized there were men in there I wanted to run back out screaming.



I don't know what I am supposed to do with myself.


The positive thing about group though was that instead of talking about my big issues, I talked about this money thing, and somebody told me Kaiser has special programs for people in financial crisis. I went to member services after the meeting and first stated to the rep how embarrassed I was to be there, said I needed help, and promptly then burst into tears becoming instantly incomprehendable. The person got the gist and got me the paperwork. They said it was okay and everything would be okay and it wasn't a big deal to ask for help and I just needed to get some paperwork together to verify I don't have any income coming in and to mark all of the papers as urgent and get it in the mail as quickly as possible. So I have the papers, but when I read through the directions myself there are a few more things I need and some things I'm not sure how to fill out or answer.





(Like, I'm supposed to total the amount I have paid out of pocket to Kaiser in the last year. But my credit card, being retarded, only lets you search statements from the last 90 days, so how the freak am I supposed to comb through all these statements and tally it up, and how am I supposed to tell the different between a copay and me buying chapstick in the pharmacy?)





I feel really overwhelmed. This is good, but I am so incredibly overwhelmed and I feel like I don't know if I can do it. I know I have to, but it's just so much.





And now the real reason why I sat down to write tonight and the only thing I intended on sharing with you all when I started typing:





All day, all evening, all I am thinking about, dreaming, day dreaming, fantasizing about... I miss him. I just miss him. I miss how he smells. How he laughs and teased me. How he hugged me and cuddled into the side of my face. I miss wrestling and playing with him. I miss holding his hand. I miss his arms around me. He used to spend so much time just looking at me in the face, looking me in the eye. Just happy. We'd just look at each other. We were so happy. I loved him so much. I love him so much. I miss how he would hug me and pull me into the middle of his chest and I would feel so small and so protected with him there. I miss standing on tip toe to kiss him. I miss hearing him tell me how much he loved me.





I just miss him. I would give anything if I could just have my life back; if my Matty could come home to me and none of this had ever happened or had ever been true. If he had just been the person he said he was, the person he always was with me, and the man I loved so much and admired with every part of my being.

I miss him, and I love him so much.

BANG- HEAD- ON- DESK

This has just been a bad freaking week. I keep looking at myself, and thinking, "Hey, maybe you are really okay with this! I mean, you're not laying on the floor in the fetal position. Maybe this isn't such a big deal!"

The contrast from which how I handled the ending of my last relationship and how this process seems to be going is drastic to say the least. It's also funny because I have found myself lately wishing I could speak to David, my first boyfriend whom I met right as I graduated college, about some of the things that have happened. We broke up in 2007 after 3 years together. He is married now. When that relationship ended, I was a big slobbery, snotty, mucus filled mess.

It's not like that this time and I don't know what to make of it. Probably part of that is that I am on four different types of mood stabilizers. Another part of it probably has to do with the fact that beyond my heart being broken, I am also simply terrified, and that emotion is overriding everything else right now. It probably doesn't feel safe to cry and that primitive part of my brain shuts me down from doing that because I have to be ready to run at any moment because Matt the Ripper is going to come up on me at any moment with a gun.

I had my first anxiety class yesterday. We talked about the primitive brain thing. What's it called? Your amaglea... amagdlea? (too tired to look up spelling, sorry) It's some section of your brain located at the back, it's very primitive and basically it just keeps us safe. It tells us we aren't safe, kicks the adrenaline into overdrive and tells us to flee. That's how I feel all the time. Right now, sitting in my house, with all the lights on, watching the cat walk around the house carrying his baby blanket around in his mouth (did I mention it's pink?) and sitting at my desk.... my shoulders are pulled tight to my neck and hiked up close to my ears... my upper arms ache from being held tensely all day... my legs are perched in this chair and I keep looking out the front window to see who is there... Even thought it's almost 10pm and of course no one is there.

When I lay in bed at night, I curl up tight, and really nothing changes. My back, neck, arms, shoulders all ache. I hold them tight all the time now. I just can't stop clenching. I'm nervous. Jumpy. Twitchy. I'll hear noises in the night in the house and wake up startled, scared. 9 times out of 10 I think someones in the house. I used to be a heavy sleeper. Now the cat jumps on the counter and I'm looking for my machete. If I had one, anyway.

(Anyway have one I could borrow?)

When I was in that anxiety class they had us do a relaxation exercise by listening to a CD where we systematically tighten and release specific muscles in our body until we are totally relaxed in our chairs.

I had to get up and move seats before we even started because I felt afraid because there was a man sitting diagonally behind me in my seat. I kept turning and looking at him to make sure he wasn't close; finally I got up and moved to a seat surrounded by women on all sides. One of them had terrible BO but I felt much more secure there.

Once they started the tape.... Oh boy. It was not good. Every few seconds, I would jump out of my seat thinking something was coming up behind me. I tried really really hard and I managed to sit through the whole darn thing but I was so anxious by the end of it I was about ready to run a marathon and scream for an hour I was so amped up. And FREAKED. But it did give me an "ah-ha" moment. I'm afraid to relax because I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe anymore. (...gettin' upset...) He took away my feelings of safety. I was so blindsided by all of this that now I feel like I don't know what's going to happen next. Anything could happen and I don't know how to anticipate it. The behaviors and actions of the people around me, particularly men are completely unpredictable, so how and why would or could I ever relax or let me guard down again? Something really bad could happen. I know this is really distorted thinking, but I didn't even know that this is what I HAD been thinking until yesterday when I realized I didn't feel safe. He took my sense of safety and he took the trust I had in myself with him when he left. I think a part of me is angry, but not a yell and scream angry- a crying angry.

Other things he said to me while we were together have jumped out at me this week.

While we was wooing me, talking about marrying me... he told me his wife could have anything she wanted. ...I think she already does, Matt.

I told him I was a little hesitant to be fully honest with him because he seemed to pull away when I did so and he replied that if we didn't have honesty, we didn't have anything. He was just trying to help me open up, but now. What the freak was that supposed to have meant?

**Edited to Add**
He also told me his ex-girlfriend from college whom he had been engaged to but whom cheated on him a month before the wedding so he broke it off (chew on that- cheating is intolerable to him- whether he made that story up or not-- but he expects his wife to put up with it???) contacted him out of the blue 5 years after they broke up a few months after we started seeing each other. She asked him if he was seeing anyone and he said he felt very smug in being able to say yes, and that she didn't say anything else to him after that. (Via text). He also told me last December that she called him out of the blue, again, after over 5 years of no contact to tell him that her mother had died of cancer. He said he had been very close to her mom but that since they weren't together anymore the conversation was awkward and then he had to deal with the grief of losing the ex's mother alone.

I'm guessing all of the above is probably false.

He did tell me a couple of good things. In the scrapbook I made for each of us for Christmas last year, I included notes we had written each other. In one of them he told me that I shouldn't ever give up on my dreams for some guy, and that my wishes and dreams should be respected no matter what.

More recently, late last winter after we had made amends and we were trying to decide whether we were going to put a label on our relationship again or wait until he was back on his feet (he felt like he had nothing to offer me as a partner and it wasn't fair to me to tie me down when he was "worthless" at that time, as he said,). I told him I loved him and wanted to shout it from the rooftops, tell everyone, post it on facebook, etc. And he told me, if I changed my status, I might miss out on my perfect guy because he might see that I wasn't dating and move on. I said something like, I already have my perfect guy, but.... You know what I mean thinking about that statement now.

I wish I knew why he did this. I am starting to feel used. I am starting to feel tossed away like a piece of garbage. Like a piece of trash or a toy he took out and played with and then threw under the bed when he was done with... only to dig it out again when he got bored. How could one person do that to another human being? How can you have so little respect for someone else? How could he have so little respect for my life and my feelings? Does he not understand how much he has messed me up? For his own selfish purposes? WHY? What is wrong with him that he would do that? How could he dare swoop in here and represent himself to be someone and something that he most definitely was NOT? And how long would he have kept up this charade? Would he have married me? Had kids with me? How can you consciously choose to cause psychological damage to another person? And look at how much of my life I have WASTED on this person!

This fall I was supposed to be taking LSAT prep classes, taking exams and going back to school! And now where am I? In the same exact place I was two years ago! In the same house, doing the same thing, unhappy and feeling absolutely trapped. And now a whole new set of issues, this time so much more serious that I don't even know where to begin to cope with them. What is wrong with him? What is wrong with people? Why would you choose to hurt someone? How can you make a CONSCIOUS CHOICE to mess up someones life? WHY?

And why did he have to pick me? Why me? After all the other things that have happened... why did I have to go through this too?

I hope so, so SO badly that I won't have to experience any more major things in my life like this. I am so tired. I feel hopeless. I feel like there is nothing to look forward to. I feel like the future is just one big black blob of nothingness. And that isn't anything to look forward to anymore.

and then my pet fish died.

I got home from work awhile ago and the fish tank filter was pretty noisy because the water was low from the cats drinking all the water out of it, so I finally gave in and topped off the tank and I noticed something float up off the bottom so I turned on the light.

And there was my red baby betta Marlin. My one and only fish, my cat's pet, whom Matt and I picked out together with Tootie at PetSmart last August. We each picked out a fish and let Toulouse pick which one he wanted to bring home. This was right after our blue betta Dory died of old age... he was over 3.5 years old, maybe even 4. Lived a happy bachelor life in a big 10 gallon tank with some Finding Nemo plastic guys from the Disney store.

Marlin was all bloated and had a big bubble, an actual bubble, just attached to his side. I buried him in the same pot where Dory is buried on my front porch, with a flowering potato bush under a little frog with a silver ball sculpture.

And I am crying like a big, big baby. Because I needed just one more freaking thing to send me over the edge. Like I wasn't already over the cliff already. And now my fish is dead. And it wasn't just any fish, it was a fish we picked out together. Matt even held Tootie on the leash and managed to not look totally embarrassed to be walking a cat around in public.

Amelia is sitting next to the tank and watching it. She doesn't seem to have realized Marlin is gone yet. She must think he is hiding really good today.

:( :( :(

I want my fish. I want my boyfriend. I just want my life back. I hate my life right now. :(
Please don't let it get any worse. Please.

Divorce Diet

My friend Allison mentioned something to me about the "Divorce Diet" and we didn't actually get a chance to talk about it, but it seems pretty self explanatory to me, especially since I seem to be on it.

I've had weight issues for a long time. I distinctly remember "confessing" to Jessica Noble in the 5th grade that I weighed 100 pounds. I was so embarrassed and ashamed about it. Now, in contrast, watching that show, "Too Fat for Fifteen" about a camp for overweight teens, a little girl named Emily (!) who is 11 years old, weighed in at 211 pounds when she arrived at the camp. She's probably really tall for her age, but either way, she doesn't look that terrible and neither did I. But when I got my driver's license 5 years later and wrote 179 down as my weight, I was definetly over 200 pounds at that point. I am only 5 foot 5 inches. I definetly think the constant harrassment by my family about my weight probably didn't do too much to curb that whole "self-fufilling prophecy" thing.

My weight is kind of always going up and down, but I had kicked the 200's butt in 2008 and dropped 60+ pounds and have maintained a 10/12 size since then. I was on an upswing on my weight before this started, weighing in at a whopping 189.8 pounds, which was really freaking me out. It was the heaviest I had been in two years, even though I could still get in my clothes.

Yesterday was the two week mark of the day I had found out. I weighed in at 179 even this morning.

I tried to eat a litle tonight and it positively made me feel absolutely sick and nauseated almost immediately. I did end up waiting it out and eating, but my new food habits are fascinating to me, because in all the bizarre eating habits I have (I am a binger and can find ANYTHING to binge on, including broccoli. And no, I'm not kidding.), I have gone to a whole new level of weird [for me at least].

Tonight I had Pumpkin Ravioli, one of my favorites, from Whole Foods. It's a fresh pasta imported from Italy and is freakishly expensive but I splurged on it since I haven't been eating very much. Typically I would make a sage butter (margarine) sauce, or goat cheese, butter sauce (margarine, again), or olive oil and balsalmic sauce. I'd also typically have a nice salad and a couple slices of bread to sop up the sauce. (Typing that out now it sounds totally disgusting.)

Tonight I put some salt on it and drank a glass of water. Oh, and some pasta water got in there too. I think I had like, at least 8 raviloi. It felt like way too much. That was it. Just salt and water.

Divorce Diet?

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I went to the lab yesterday and had them run tests. So far, everything has come back normal. I had to do it. You just never know what could happen or how it could. I hated being there. (I told the receptionst everything too, of course.)

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A fellow blogger reached out to me today, and it just, it really helped. I have been having super issues with holding everything in. It is making me feel tense ALL the time, to an extreme. I am always on edge, always ready to run, like we are on the verge of a natural disaster and I have to be ready. I feel freaked out, tense, stressed and any other synonyms you can think of for those words, all day long. And when this blogger reached out, I cried. I needed to cry so bad. When I cry now, I actually cry OUT. It sounds like an animal dying. I sound like a dying moose or dog or something. I'm sure the neighbors are loving it. But I need to cry. My heart hurts. I am scared.

As I think about these things, like my post last night, I worry. Matt's motivations in everything are scary. If he was manipulating and lying to me purely for his own benefit and just feeding me lines, "I didn't have anything because I didn't have you," and was seeking out some kind of revenge on his wife and using me in the process... I feel sick. If he truly loved me, then how could he have lied? Either option or scenario is not good and the first in particular, if true is going to make this whole process a whole lot more difficult to process. I've been used and dumped before. At this point, even though I was lied to, if that is what happened, and it happened again, then there is something I am doing to attract these people. I can't take the heartache. I don't want this to be my fault. I don't want to be responsible for what he did. And I feel like it's my fault.

I loved him. I really loved him. I thought it was real. It WAS real to me. Every moment of it. I had never been so happy. This was the best relationship I had ever been in and that is no exageration whatsoever! I just remember sitting with him, and smiling so big and just telling him, "I am SO happy. I have never been SO happy. You make me SO HAPPY!" I would squeal like a pig with glee I was so giddy. My dad bragged to family about how happy and proud he was... that it was about time for me. That I deserved some happiness and someone who treated me right.

I thought I had that.

Drastic Measures

The last few days I have been all over the place. From wanting to scream at the top of my lungs to crying so hard I sounded like a dying animal... to for a few minutes of calm distraction. Like now, writing, tv on, sipping water with the cat on my lap. And then the anxiety overwhelms me.

HOW could he do this? WHY did he do this? WHY? WHY WHY WHY? WHY did you do this Matty? Matty! Why? I think about him being here and lying straight to my face... my stomach churns.

The psychologist held me after IOP (outpatient thing) to talk... I heard myself saying aloud to her that I hated myself. No wonder I wish I was dead. Right now I can feel my blood pressure skyrocketing and my body flushing red all over and just... overwhelmed with emotional exhaustion. On Friday I realized just how much I was holding it in. I (apparently) was sitting very taunt and tense in the chair, arms crossed, holding myself for an hour while everyone talked and when it got to my turn it just came exploding out of me. I was crying so hard they could barely understand me and shaking and I couldn't bear to look at anyone. One woman was there because her husband liked to look at things online... you know what I mean... and had cheated like 12 years before. She jumped all over me and was like "And you didn't know about his wife and child?" I didn't even know his real name! Of course I didn't know he was married! But I could hear her judgment and skepticism before she would accept my story and that hurt.

The therapist said something about how I must feel rejected and how I wasn't looking for closure and I was like, HUH? First of all, this was the first and only relationship where I NEVER felt personally rejected! Never! There isn't anything wrong with me and there never was! I was perfect in every way and he told me so! And of course I want closure. Of course, I can't close the book on this yet, but being able to have a final conversation with him would be invaluable. That's closure to me. And I want that more than anything. To look at his face and know his real name and to have him look at me, just me seeing him... even that... it would be enough. He never looked at me when I was there... and I understand... but it made it that much more horrible for me. And nobody cares about me. Because I am "the other woman." Even though, I never knew I was. I will always be hated for the crime I didn't know I committed. I was victimized more than his family was! I let a con man into my home, into my life... in every sense of the word. For her, yes, he had an affair, or he cheated on her, but that was it. For me, all of this is much more traumatic and going to affect me in so many ways for so much longer.

But it's wrong for me to think those things about her... because she is the wife and it is not her fault and she is innocent... and I am the other woman and always will be. And I hate myself.

I want and need to do something drastic. Dye my hair blonde, or go to Canada or camp in the desert or embark on a cross country trip and lay in the grass and stare at the sky and feel alone. I hate the term "find myself" because it is so touchy feely and I feel, really sort of stupid, but... I think I lost myself here. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be me anymore. I want to be someone else. I want to go somewhere or do something really different and just escape.

I want to run away.

And because I am too upset to work I have around $100 in my bank account, which is the lowest it has ever been since I was in college. And I feel terrified. And trapped.