A Low Week

I am not having a good week. I feel down, I am crying all of the time, my eating has been terrible-I am having really strong urges to binge and I feel so lost. All I want to do is run. Either run away, or park my ass on Daniel's house and force this conversation my body keeps screaming I need to have with him.

Logically, my brain says this is a terrible idea. My friends say this is a terrible idea. Google says this is a terrible idea.

But my heart.

How do you know the difference between listening to your intuition, and knowing what is right for yourself, and just crazy girl talk? I don't know. How do you discern the difference between "good" advice from friends, and just seeking out the validation you want to hear from some people, and dismissing what you don't want to hear from other people? How do you filter out the "noise" people project on to you? I recently shared some insights from therapy with a close friend and she told me those observations seemed very obvious and I had to be really naïve to have not caught on to them before. The insights were MAJOR for me, and her comments bothered me deeply, so I discussed them in therapy the next week, and my therapist said... That person is just repeating back to you some reaction someone else gave her once. That's her shit. Not your shit. Your revelation is yours.

I went to the doctor today to do a post-break up check up. I've had some funny things happen with my body since the break up that I could not diagnose with my pal Dr. Google and so I utilized my great ghetto insurance for the first time and got some testing done. Speaking with the doctor, she thinks I'm just having some fun "You're over 30!" body changes. Joy. Better that than other stuff, but she still ordered every damn test under the sun just in case. For someone who has been celibate for almost 6 years it is incredible to me that I still have to worry about crap.

My therapist has brought it up several times, and I drunkenly texted a friend a similar comment last week: I think I need to talk to him. Either the universe will bring us together randomly, or he will reach out to me, or I am going to turn up on his front porch. Because this isn't done yet.

When we said good bye at my house that day, I thought I was saying good bye to my boyfriend and trying to adjust to a friendship with him. A brief period of separation and then a probably very awkward adjustment period. I had huge paranoia that I wouldn't see him again, but we agreed that wasn't what was going to happen. I felt very worried and panicky over this, but this was supposed to be a transition, not a good bye. So I was trying very hard to hold on to that.

This has turned into something totally different. Daniel running away from me at the record store last week- SERIOUSLY WHAT WAS THAT? Why is this a thing now? There was no love lost here! There was no problem between us! So why is there now? If we were to get back together.. We would have a lot to work through at this point because my trust issues have been majorly triggered. I hope that I have done enough work on my own that it wouldn't be a giant mountain to overcome, but it would be something. But if we are going to have no interaction in the future, I feel like I need a good bye and closure. Everything I have read says, I am never going to get what I need from him. But why does my gut say the exact opposite? What exactly am I supposed to listen to? Is everything I am experiencing normal, or should I just reach out and make this happen? I'm so confused. If I just keep waiting will the soul ache go away? But then again... I don't really want it to. Because I miss him and I am not done with this yet. I can't move on until I am done with this.