Closing the door- and opening it again. (Seeing Daniel for the first time; Second date with Chris)

My first date with Chris was at Kupros. We grabbed beers and chatted about our similar backgrounds. He had been in a punk band for a decade, traveling all over, living the high life, and then the band broke up one day. They all grew up, he went back to school and became an accountant. We had different artistic backgrounds, but our stories were comparable. He was very nice and while I wasn't exactly sure we had chemistry, I thought he might be a fun friend to go to concerts with. It was worth trying for a second date. He had already asked me to go to a Brian Fallon concert- the frontman for Gaslight Anthem which had also recently broken up- and I accepted.

I went to check out the concert info on Facebook, and double checked the RSVP list. There were only about a dozen people (or less) who had said they were attending the concert and I just had one of those feelings. You know what I mean?

And there it was. Daniel had also RSVP'd to the concert. His name stared back at me big and bold on the page. I wasn't really sure what to do.

I had already heard the tickets weren't selling well and I was more than a little concerned no one was coming to this show. I suddenly had flashes of being alone in the concert venue with my date, 5 people and my ex. I contemplated canceling with Chris, but I didn't want to stop living my life just because Daniel would be there.

So I texted him.

I said something like, it was awkward that we weren't speaking, and I kept seeing him, or people he knew around town and it would be better if we had some kind of open line of communication.

Pretty quickly I got a response, which shocked me. I didn't expect him to respond at all. But the response was hostile and was along the lines of, "I'm sorry you're afraid to go places but that's not really my problem. " And something about, "I don't see how talking will help anything. You want a  relationship and I don't."

Honestly, I laughed when I read it because he was so (unnecessarily) reactive to what I had written. So I clarified, stated I was going to a concert and saw he was going and didn't want it to be awkward.

He immediately softened. He told me he would never run away from me and hoped I wouldn't either, and if I wanted to go to a show, I should go. He hoped I would say "Hi," too. It was like a night and day difference once I clarified. We ended up texting for hours, catching up, talking about trips we had planned and what had been going on in our lives.

I told him I would be at the concert with a date and asked if that would be uncomfortable, and he said no, of course not, and in turn told me he'd be there with a platonic female friend. He told me a little about her and I felt my back go up almost immediately. He talked about her like a jealous boyfriend. I could just smell something was weird about it, but accepted it. I did tell him it would be weird for me to see him with someone but that's where we were at. We also discussed social media, and decided to re-friend each other on Facebook. Valentine's Day he accepted my friend request.

Thursday Chris and I went to Bottle & Barlow, a charming upscale bar where he just so happened to know the owner. When I walked up out front I saw him do a little double take at what I was wearing, smile, and then immediately stifle it. It was very flattering to see someone openly be so pleased with how I looked but I instantly felt shy. I didn't think it was anything special, but what do I know? I wore jeans and boots, a black and white striped shirt with buttons up the back and my leather jacket.

I was actually pretty proud of myself that day though- I had just fit into a size 0 for the first time and I wore those jeans for the very first time that night. I weighed in just around 140- I was down around 93 pounds from my highest weight.

Chris and I had drinks before the concert and I tried to shake off my nerves about Daniel being there, and being on a second date. This was my first second date since Daniel and I had started dating. I had already briefed Chris on the situation and he was comfortable with everything and I planed on saying hello to Daniel at some point if we ran into each other. Around 7:30 or so Chris and I walked over to the venue and found a spot up in the side balcony/elevated area where we could see everything. Some friends and co-workers of his also happened to be there so there was a group of us. I tried to just ignore my anxiety and enjoy the company I was with, but Daniel was always in the back of my mind. 

The opening act started to play and while I was facing the stage, I could suddenly just feel this presence from across the room. It was like a honing beacon. Without even turning my head I just knew he was there. It was pretty bizarre. This feeling of being pulled to something across the room with a couple hundred people between us. I turned my head just a bit and it was definitely him. Every few minutes he would turn his head one way or the other and obviously scan the room. He was looking for me.

I waited until the opening act finished, and excused myself to the restroom, with the promise of bringing a drink back for my date. After using the ladies though, I beelined straight for Daniel. 

I put my hand on the back of his leather jacket and he turned to the left towards me. He smiled very softly at me, and he looked almost relieved to see me. He gave me a little side hug and we started to talk. His friend had been ill and hadn't come, so he was there alone. He asked me a couple of questions about my date and I tried to hide it, but he reads me so well. Some emotion must have flashed behind my eyes because he interrupted me and said, "You're upset." And I said No, I wasn't. And he said that no, he could tell. I looked down at the ground and tried to pull back in the tears that had briefly glazed my eyes in front of him. I don't remember specifically what he said, but he pestered me a bit about the definition of my relationship with my date. My man friend? Boyfriend?  To some of these I answered "No," and to at least one I told him, "You can't ask me that." Because he knew my situation. He had been the first person I dated in 5 years and intimacy in relationships was a very touchy thing for me. We talked about his upcoming trip to Australia and Patagonia and his new Sony camera, which made me so proud. (I'm a Sony shooter.) I was surprised he remembered I shot Sony and had allowed that to influence his decision in purchasing a camera. I was pleased. He paused at some point in the conversation and said, "You're still someone I'm attracted to." I blushed and looked away. I didn't know how to respond. Here is this person who I loved more than anything, but had hurt me deeply and didn't want to be with me. What do you say?

We talked far longer than was appropriate- probably close to 20 minutes, and had more to say when the main act started to come on stage. Daniel invited my date to come down with me and stand on the floor with him but I absolutely refused. Beyond the fact I needed boundaries, it wouldn't be fair to Chris either. I also just didn't want to be on a date in front of someone I was still in love with. 

I started to walk away and we hugged again. He said, "See, this wasn't that awkward, right?"

I smiled a little out of the corner of my mouth and retorted, "Well, I'm raging drunk right now. And your date isn't here."

He laughed back at me. "Yeah, I'm drunk too." His eyes twinkled at me. And then he was inviting me to come over to his house after the show. Without hesitation I said sure, and told him to text me after it was over.

I headed over to the bar and finally got Chris his very tardy drink and apologized for taking so long. I told him I had seen Daniel and he said he had figured and asked how it went. I remember feeling both wildly relieved and absolutely pumped with adrenaline. I couldn't stop moving for the rest of the show. 

After, Chris walked me to my car and we talked a bit. Part of the conversation turned to friendships with exes. I was impressed he had somehow managed to stay friends with all of his and he guided me a little bit on his experiences. There was only one woman he had struggled to be friends with, and it was because they still had feelings for each other. He told me he felt the only way to really turn it into a friendship was to get involved with someone else. From the way he was looking at me, I knew what he was saying. I gave him a hug but turned and walked back to my car and started to drive to Daniel's.

I kind of wonder now if he had deleted my number, which is odd since we had just texted days before (and he had texted me several times in the days leading up to the concert as well, which also surprised me). But he had Facebook messaged me to let me know he was on his way home and to let him know if I still wanted to come over and talk. I replied back that I was on my way and would be there in a few.

Walking up to his old Victorian in Boulevard Park was the oddest feeling. Like I was trespassing, but with a free pass for the day. I wasn't supposed to be there, but I had been invited. I called or texted from the porch that I couldn't remember his building code anymore and he walked out to let me in.

Walking past him into his house I immediately froze. I hadn't stood in that hallway since the day we broke up. I felt absolutely overwhelmed with emotion and a little scared. From behind me he couldn't have seen my face but he just seemed to instinctively know what was wrong and put his hands on my back and said, "It's okay. I know it looks a little different now. But it's okay." I took a breath and walked in. He got me a beer and offered me a seat on his couch. I stood in the living room a minute and just looked around. He had cleaned up a bit, and rearranged a couple of things but mostly it was the same. And that felt odd. This place had felt like a home to me. I had been as at ease in it as I had been in my own home and I felt like a stranger to it's walls now. 

I turned to look at the couch and hesitated again. He handed me my drink invited me to sit again, and as I stood there said, "That couch is bad. All of the bad things happened on that couch." And Dan just patted me and said, we'll make some better memories on it now."

That couch... it's like a big monument to the bad things in our relationship. We stopped being physical with each other when that couch came into his house. I confronted him about his ex on that couch. He rejected me on that couch. Sitting on the short arm of that beige colored piece of crap, he broke my heart into a thousand pieces when he told me he couldn't do "this" anymore. The last time I touched that couch was the moment I was sobbing, bent over the arm after Dan told me he couldn't imagine getting involved with someone until at least after the bar exam.  That couch holds many bad, terrible, emotional memories for me.

I walked with Dan over to the couch and curled up next to him. At first we just sat facing each other talking, but the longer we were there, the hours passed by, and the closer we shifted towards each other. All of a sudden I found myself with my legs slung over his lap and our hands intertwined and our arms around each other. "What exactly is happening here?" he laughed at me. And I just said, "I don't know, I'm drunk!" And he laughed and I laughed and we cuddled in closer to each other. I missed him, and this felt good.

We talked about everything. He answered questions that had been building up for me over the last 12 weeks we had been apart; we caught up on our lives. He apologized for things he had done. We talked about his tattoos and our vacation plans.  He told me he was going to get a Celtic woman and a lady boxer as part of his tattoos but he didn't want to tell me why because he wanted it to be private. I don't understand why though. He always told me before. He told me he can't be in a relationship, but that he wants someone to go on adventures with. I died a little death with that thought later, because I wished it was me that was going on adventures with him. He told me he eventually told Kait (his best friend) that he had lied to me about his ex. She slapped him across the face and called him an idiot. I really wished I had met her, and said so. I think he said maybe someday I would. Honestly I hope that's true. I don't even know this girl, but I like her.

Music was playing in the background and at one point I recognized the long guitar intro to a particular song and paused and just like he always seemed to know my thoughts he said he had played this song for me before. I wish I knew what song it was but I never asked.

We talked all night. I lost track of time after 4am but we told so many stories. He had seen his ex at the Farmer's Market once, and they hadn't spoken. He said it was not him that say in front of the record store. He hadn't been there in months. Not since he went with me. He told me about the girls that had been in his life since and we talked about that too. I felt betrayed. Upset. He tried to comfort me about that too. Those decisions had had nothing to do with me. They had more to do with his own discomfort. There had even been someone the day after we broke up. I was crushed, but I had suspected it. "It had nothing to do with you. I just felt so empty and so alone after we broke up and I wanted it to go away. With you, there were feelings, with her, there wasn't. And that's why it couldn't be you." There had been too much pressure. Pressure I argued back to him that he had put on himself, not that I had put on him.  We held each other.

He looked over at me, and started to say something, but stopped himself, as he often did with me. "Just say it," I smiled back at him and touched his shoulder with a little reassurance.
"No it's a bad idea."
"Just say it."
"I was just going to say I wanted to kiss you." He looked at me sideways and a little guiltily.
Without any hesitation I leaned over and kissed him. It's what I wanted. I had thought about it a thousand times before that night. Given all that had happened leading up to the day we broke up, and all of the things that had happened since, I was surprised he said it or even felt it, but it didn't diminish my feelings in any respect. I leaned back and looked at him, and we went right back to talking.  Every few minutes there would be a pause and we'd lean over and kiss each other.

After awhile he sort of laughed without warning; I suppose as the thought came through his mind. "My friends are not going to believe this when I tell them my friend canceled on me and instead I ended up bringing my ex-girlfriend home with me, getting her drunk and making out on my couch until the middle of the night."
"This is not making out."
"Well."
Being the instigator that I am, this was of course the point at which we started making out.

At one point, we sat back and looked at each other and he sort of looked me up and down and then made long eye contact and asked me if I had dressed like that for my date, or for him. I sort of stuttered out what did he mean, that I was just dressed nicely but he just smiled. Because, I don't know if he really understood, but of course I dressed that way for him. I wanted to look nice going out, but if I saw him, I wanted to look nice and be comfortable and confidant. Nothing really does that like a new outfit does. I had started wearing my hope necklace again too, but worn backwards, because I don't have my hope back yet.

He told me he hates himself every day. He hates himself for what he did to me and he doesn't understand why I don't hate him. That if things were reversed, he would hate me.Of all of his exes, for some reason I had given him some kind of wild anxiety that I would try and kill him. I have no idea why he thought that. Or if he really though that, why he would have invited me back into his home. He did tell me that when we were breaking up and I told him that I needed to branch out and make my own friends in this new place that that really struck a chord with him. While he hadn't considered it at the time, in retrospect, he felt like I depended on him too much. I honestly felt we mutually leaned on each other, and that it was fairly normal for the beginning of a relationship but I still needed to work on building friendships, which takes time to do.

We eventually fell asleep, his arms around me and I slept more soundly than I had in months. When his alarm went off in the morning we both ignored it and just cuddled instead. When he finally got up, he was late for work by more than an hour but he didn't stop himself from continuing to visit with me and he drove me to my car. We hugged and kissed good bye, several times in the car and talked about closure and how important this had been. We thanked each other for being able to have the conversations we had had, and he thanked me for continuing to understand he still wasn't ready to be involved. I kissed him one last time and said good bye. My heart was heavy but seeing him was such a relief.

The next day I was riding around with my friend Mary and I told her what had happened. As we sat at the stop light, she turned to me, grinned and said, "Welcome back to the land of the living." And shifted the car back into first.