Cutting off Contact- AGAIN

I can't say it enough, how baffled I am that we are in this place. I find it immature, inconsiderate, and mostly just bizarre. The total and absolute lack of communication is so... confusing. It's just bizarre. Daniel and I had the most emotionally intimate and communicative relationship I had ever been in. But he won't communicate his needs to me now as a friend or acquaintance or past partner or whatever. Which would eliminate literally all of the drama we have experienced. ELIMINATE IT. There would be no drama! Why is there all of this unnecessary heart ache? This is so ridiculous!

Since Tootie died, I have had a huge resurgence of anxiety. I miss him, I feel terrible about what happened, and I have had some low level recurrence of my PTSD symptoms. I also started having some pretty awful stomach pains, which my initial thought might be kidney stones or gallstones,and after an ultrasound and exam and trying out some medication, we have decided it is gastritis brought on by stress. The pain started right after Tootie died. That I could be so physically affected makes me sad also.

Last night I could not fall asleep and was having anxiety and for whatever reason just felt mad and I texted Daniel. I think I sort of knew the message wasn't going to go through so it didn't really matter whether I texted him or not, I just finally had the balls to do it. So I texted him, "Why did you start being mean to me all of a sudden? What is up with that?!" And it never said delivered.

I have looked this up several times- something I have never ever looked up with another ex, which, that in itself bugs me, that my instinct is he would block me, even though I think that's wrong and I'd never do it unless I was being literally stalked, and even then, I probably wouldn't because I'd need evidence to file charges! What I have read is that there should be no evidence on the blocked person's phone that they have been blocked. It should appear as though the message was delivered. So i am puzzled as to why the message doesn't say it was. I guess he could have changed numbers or gotten a non-iPhone but I sort of doubt it.

Also the fact that the message delivery issue first happened that bizarre night when he texted me at my niece's engagement party that "I had mistaken him for someone who cares" (seriously, WTF) leads me to believe he sent that text message as a final knife and then blocked me so I wouldn't be able to respond- or so he wouldn't see my response.

I read back through my messages from the last 3 months, and if I try to step back, I can see them as somewhat annoying. I texted him about one message a month (so three brief 1-2 text conversations a month apart) but largely unsolicited. I wasn't really sure why we weren't speaking though, or if we would go back to being friends though, and I felt the things I was texting him about were noteworthy.

In April I texted and let him know I didn't have cancer. I did text him the next day and said I saw his friend while I was out, and it felt weird. We had talked so much about me meeting her and I just felt like I couldn't get away from "us." He sent a lone text to each message and nothing else. I didn't really get why he was being cold after sending me hundreds of texts in February and March- it happened so suddenly and he never told me why- which is the most effective tactic with me.

In May I texted him happy graduation. No response.

Then in June the weekend Tootie died, and when I met his sister, he deleted me off Facebook without warning or explanation. I assumed it had something to do with meeting his sister- which, when I saw our medical records seemed really ridiculous. It turns out she had been my dog's vet for THREE YEARS. I just hadn't remembered. I knew she felt and sounded so familiar and I had told Daniel so, but I had never actually checked. It had just been 3 years since we had seen her so I hadn't remembered. After a few days I dropped him a message and apologized if I had violated some boundary by introducing myself to his sister but it seemed weird not to, given the volume of personal information I have about his family- his childhood, her personal life, his parent's marriage, their finances, her relationship history... I mean really... If it were reversed I would be quite upset to find someone knew that volume of information about me and hadn't said anything.

I honestly accepted our friendship was over. He was too fucked up to have a friendship with me or to be in a healthy relationship with anyone. He just couldn't handle it. He was going to move to another country (maybe- I kind of have doubts) and in the last few months I have finally gotten to a better place of acceptance and closure. I don't feel good about myself or my own relationship future, but with this, if we don't talk, I have mourned this friendship a lot and I am exhausted. I just wanted to clear the air. If he thought I was being malicious, or had intentionally sought out his sister to maintain a connection that is not something I wanted him telling people. Because it was untrue. So I clarified, and said I was fine that the friendship had ended, but wanted to clear the air. I didn't expect a response. I considered the matter closed. I was surprised he even read the text.

A WEEK LATER at my niece's engagement party, late at night he responded to the message with his weird, "It doesn't matter you saw her. You have mistaken me for someone who cares." message.

This was so unnecessary, so cruel and also... so vague. Do you not care about me? About your sister? Did you not care that the cat died? When I read the message out loud people assumed you were saying you didn't care about me. This is initially how I took it also. But I also realized you could have just been lashing out that I shared with you that the cat died. Maybe you didn't want to hear about my life. I wasn't trying to overshare, I just was explaining why we had gone to the vet. He is so reactive and sensitive. So am I, so I don't blame him, but I wish he wasn't so impulsive.

So... I can step back from my perspective and think, I reached out three separate times over three months, unsolicited, basically received no response and continued to reach out anyway. And this was possibly annoying. Maybe it was upsetting? Getting messages from Daniel was very anxiety provoking but also exciting. I loved him. On the one hand, I think he's being ridiculous. All he really had to do to be a polite, caring human being was to say, "I just don't think us being friends is working. I'm really sorry. I think we are going to have to cut off ties. I know that might be hard for you, but I can't have you text me anymore." Or... even a more subtle, "Thank you," to the grad text, and leave it. And the deleting... if it had nothing to do with his sister I have NO IDEA what prompted it. I had gone to a concert a couple nights before and posted a clip with song lyrics. I thought maybe he had over personalized it (the song was my sister's wedding song... It really had nothing to do with him) but the lyrics could have been applied to things that happened between us. But they were in no way some low context communication to him. I have no idea. I don't know what happened.

Do I care? I do. I care about every person I have ever been with. And Dan is... special. Messed up, but special. He was special to me. He also changed me in a profound way and I don't know what I am going to end up in the future because of him and our relationship. I wish he was adult enough to see I want the best for him, I would never hurt him, and I accept the things he says. I also wish he would weigh the effects of the things he says- and his actions. Because they hurt.

In our relationships, we have the power to heal and to hurt. Intentionally harming someone is not ever the right thing to do. He had this quote I think I facebook I read once, I can't remember if he posted it, or where I read it but I know it was his. It was something like it's the details of how a man lived that matters, they are what differentiate a man from another. Something like that. These actions, his betrayals, his abandonment, his cruel words... these cornerstones he is putting forth into the universe are not in sync with what I believe his morals to be. Women have treated him badly- or so he says- and treating me badly in return is not going to get him where he wants to be. Granted, being kind to people had gotten me trampled on like a doormat, but I can say with absolute conviction I have never hurt anyone like he did me.

Pointing to the Future, with hands aghast.

I feel so emotionally unprepared to date again. Some part of me misses having a partner, and remembers how satisfying it was to just have someone there.  It is that part of me that keeps me active on various dating apps. But... the rest of me just isn't there. I feel so flat and disinterested. Whenever I make a new connection with someone, if I write to that person at all, which is a very small proportion of the time, I very quickly drop off the conversation. I just can't make myself engage.

After Daniel, things are just different. I don't know that I have felt this way before. When I think about getting married or having kids now, it's akin to a foreign concept. It is an uncomfortable coat to try on. It doesn't seem to fit anymore. I expressed these kinds of feelings back in December, right after we broke up, but while my depression and mood has improved, my feelings haven't changed.

I was truly, my most authentic self with this person. I was incredibly vulnerable and open. I threw my arms wide and jumped in with every part of me. And I got burned, badly. I have continued to be burned, repeatedly in the months since. Each additional incident hurts less because I'm so unsurprised by it and I feel I understand his behavior and where it's rooting from. To the extent I don't even question it anymore. I just get it. (Which annoys me also.)

After a relationship that was that emotionally intense for me, I just can't even fathom being that vulnerable again, with anyone. It sounds so incredibly horrible to me. My distrust of men is incredibly low at this point. It would take a very special person to rise above the barrier of crap people have left behind with me. I don't really know what to do, but I don't really care either. That's how little interest I have at this point.

I used to say I didn't believe people were meant to be alone. We are supposed to have partners. I feel like I am rounding this bend in my life where I just don't believe that for myself any longer. I've been alone a long time and things are relatively peaceful that way. Maybe I'm not supposed to have a partner. Maybe I am meant to be alone. Maybe that's what all of these horrible things were supposed to direct me to.

I don't know. And I don't really care. But, I can't help but feel mournful about all of it.

Irrepreble Damage: Getting to Acceptance

Daniel and I are once again in a place where we aren't communicating. For reasons that are once again a mystery to me. It's 2:00am and I'm just sitting here thinking, this has to be done. I've been watching a particular TV show on repeat for the last week and there are a couple of episodes that speak to death of a spouse and grieving a divorce and issues with infidelity... And I sit here and I reflect on these women's comments who have already crossed through to the other side. And I think about the lies Daniel told me when we were together. The push-pull he put me through. The hesitancy in committing. The instantaneous rebound after we took our break. The other fling. The things I have suspected that have gone on since. His inability to be consistent with contact, friendship, communication- pains me in ways... I can't even... And it's still ongoing. He talks about carrying guilt about how he treated me last fall but he's still treating me that way. It's still happening.


How could we possibly ever come back from this? I love him. Let me repeat that.

I LOVE HIM.

I AM IN LOVE WITH HIM.

To the depths of my soul, I love and appreciate all of the beautiful qualities about this man, but when he told me he was broken he meant business. (Or maybe he's just an asshole like the rest of them.) this breaks my heart, but every day that passes and every negative incident that happens is one more log on the fire, blowing this up and taking us further down this horrendous rabbit hole into hell. Our relationship and connection was magic. And nothing will ever make me forget that. But how could we ever repair this? Now I question whether we ever could. Part of me can't forgive him for that either- for ruining this for US. Not just the things that have happened, but for continuing to throw us away. Even our friendship. Why? It pains me so deeply. Like a twisted knife. Walking away from someone I would equate to the closest thing I've ever had to a true soul mate feels like a mistake. But with timing this bad, the universe doesn't seem to want us together right now. Or as Daniel has told me, (more than once), he has a terrible habit of over complicating things. He certainly accomplished that with me.

On Knowing loss

This is a home that has known loss.

Known love.

Known happiness.

And become so fearful of experiencing that loss again, doesn't know if I could forge onward into the great unknown with that gamble on love again.

The pain doesn't really seem worth it.,

I have loved each of my partners so hard, and while I don't think we love any one person more or less, the love I have experienced with each successive partner has been richer, deeper and more fruitful. And more devastating.

I just don't know that I can sustain that loss again.

I am not a gambler.

I love hard.

I do not adapt to change well.

I am an evolving being, but part of me clings to the stagnant, because I so deeply desire stability. Even if that stagnates is uncomfortable and unsatisfying.

This is a home that has known loss.

But I don't know that it can accept any more.

Get off my Jock

I don't think anyone can really relate to the hardship of "moving on," or "letting go," unless they have truly experienced large, traumatic losses.

I have been on the receiving end of unsolicited advice from several friends who, if I share with them some of my processing, they will interject that "maybe it's time you move on."

This is the single most frustrating, irritating and over time, infuriating comment. What is it that you think I am doing? I write, I talk, I cry, I am traveling, and I am working on myself. I sat in therapy every week talking about all of this stuff. So what exactly about any of that doesn't meet YOUR judgmental view of "moving on"? Do I need to have sex with, have a relationship with or marry someone else? Because I find that to be absurd. Why is there so much judgment in the process of healing? Why can't each person just experience it at their own pace, and in their own way? Why do we need to project our own world view on other people? What benefit does this service to the healing person? Other than to feel judged? I carry with me so many nasty, hurtful, judgmental comments forced upon me by well meaning friends. They are not helpful. In fact, they can be debilitating.

I am assuming these people want me to become intimately involved with someone new. This is incongruent with my personal beliefs. I could not hold hands, kiss, or spend any kind of intimate time with someone I wasn't developing serious feelings for; or in love with. I've never gone beyond a first date with someone I wasn't seriously interested in or who didn't have solid potential. But, if I have said, I am as emotionally available as a tree stump... then how could I be open enough with someone knew to explore that potential, or frankly, to even recognize it? It's a little absurd. Also, I would never ever do to someone else what has been done to me. It's wrong. I'm not emotionally available. I'm working through my baggage. No relationships for me right now. Which means, none of those other things that come with that. I need to be alone, or to move slowly. Just because your post relationship processing looks different than mine does not mean I am not working through it. It means we are different people with different values. Which is fine! I don't date for the sake of dating. That is wildly uncomfortable for me. I believe in dating with a purpose. Without that purpose, I feel lost. I see no point. I'm just wasting everyone's time otherwise.

So please, people who don't even read this blog... Get off my jock.

Break ups are messy.

I don't know what happened. I thought we were doing great. Now I'm back on my couch holding back tears and with a chest full of anxiety again. Grieving my relationship all over again. Feeling abandoned. Again.

Two weeks ago, Daniel waited around at the airport for at least an hour to pick me up. He was so nice. Full of boundaries, but we were good and I could feel the feelings still there. It was good. We texted that night, but, it was fine. Intense, but fine. Manageable. We were adjusting and that's hard.

Then he went to Australia. It was a cluster of a trip. On the way out there his flight got diverted to Hawaii for a medical issue with one of the passengers, and several attempts at boarding and unboarding the plane later, the flight was canceled and the passengers put on another airline. He lost two days of his trip. We texted a little, and all was fine. He was cranky, but that was it.

Then I noticed something odd. He seemed to have deleted a couple of my comments off his Facebook. Reflecting back I wondered if the jokes I made weren't appropriate. I am certainly guilty of that. So I tried to dial it back a bit. I don't comment often, or like posts often either, but I try to interact with him some. I love and care about him for one, and two, adjusting to being friends requires practice. So instead of being totally casual like I would be with a regular friend, I moreso just admired his posts and was pleased he was having a good time. Once every few posts I'd throw out a like. I noticed here or there it seemed like he was deleting whole posts after he posted them. I thought it was odd but I do the same sometimes.

Then my birthday came. No word. Nothing. It was my birthday. I really, really hate my birthday. I always feel alone and forgotten and unimportant. My family rarely calls, although they usually remember. I might not have told Daniel how I felt about my birthday, but it's more likely I did. And I mentioned it before he left also. He was on Facebook every day, so when my birthday came and went without a word from this dear person to me- I tried really hard to not feel wounded. I was surprised though, given how we had left things.

I went to that dance class the day after my birthday and messaged him about it- I had heard fun gossip about one of his favorite bands from my dance teacher. He never opened the message. It was just a silly, fun, friendly message. I was excited to share the gossip with him because it made me laugh. That was all. 4 days later and it had never been opened. But he was posting and commenting every day... But he was on vacation! So, maybe it was nothing. 

The day he was flying back to the states I felt this deep instinctual drive to check my SnapChat. He was gone. GONE. Maybe he had deleted his account? On my "people who have added you" list, his name was there. I was confused. SnapChat displayed him as "DanEHarm" which was my nickname for him in my phone all the way back last September. It looked like he had added me so I tried to add him back- user not found. Then I wondered if he blocked me. I looked at my contacts list again and his name had changed to his user name. It was the weirdest thing ever. Then he appeared as a "friend you aren't friends with," so I wasn't blocked, but I guess he deleted me. I was so confused. I woke up thenext morning wracked with anxiety. I had terminated therapy the day before my birthday, the week before- something I was really proud of! To go from non-functioning to functioning injust a few months. And laying in bed, holding myself I started to wonder if it had been a mistake.

I sent over a text asking if all was okay and that I was getting a weird vibe. His flight back had AGAIN been diverted due to a medical issue and he had gotten trapped in Sydney this time. I expressed condolences over the trouble. Message was never delivered. But maybe that was because he wasn't on Wifi. Who knows if his phone worked when he was in Australia. I don't know. I hadn't tried before. iMessage should have worked, but I don't know. But my mind started worrying he had blocked me. Where the hell is this coming from?

I tried to shake off my worries and reflected on things he told me about that time he withdrew from me in December. He hadn't known what to say. He didn't have anything to say. It didn't really have anything to do with me. So maybe I needed to just let him do his thing and take a breath.

Later on in the day he posted some fun photos (with snarky comments) on Facebook. I forgot myself and left some harmless, positive, totally appropriate comments. Things like, "At least you got more time to explore!" And "That's awesome! And your Sony camera, yay!" (I shoot Sony for my business.) A few minutes later the post popped up again. With no comments. I scrolled through again. My likes were there... but my comments had been deleted.

There was absolutely no denying something funny was going on now. And I have absolutely no idea why. Three weeks ago when I was in New York and he was in Eugene he was texting me love poems he had written and asking me if I still loved him. He had just picked me up at the airport two days before he left! We had talked that day! I am so baffled by what the hell happened.

When I saw the comments I left on Facebook were gone, I just shot him a message. "Did I miss something? Are you needing space? I'm super confused."

He immediately opened it, but didn't respond.

"Like always, just ask if you need something. I won't comment on your posts if that's some kind of thing. I saw snapchat too so I was already puzzled if that was a mistake? I thought we were good! So sorry about your flight, that super sucks! But it looked like your trip was great! :) "

He never opened the second message.

I have absolutely no idea why we are rewinding on 3.5 months of progress back to that horrific post-break up period. I don't want to go through that again. Now or ever. Whatever the deal is, just tell me. You met someone in Australia? You are feeling down? You have unresolved feelings for me and realized you can't be around me? I HAVE NO IDEA. But the passive aggressive deleting and ignoring and silent treatment is so upsetting and immature I cannot deal with it. He is such an avoider and I hate it. I HATE it. It's so upsetting. I don't want to do this again. I can't handle it. I feel so disappointed. But he also has to do this on his own terms. He has to fix himself. I can't fix him. So however he has to do this, that's his way. I guess. If I can just be here, and try not to take it personally, and know that he will be okay... Maybe I can pick myself up again after this. I just hope it doesn't get any worse.

More lies and on feeling disconnected

At the beginning of a relationship, there is so much hope; so much potential. The future is so bright and positive and just... delightful. Every conversation between Daniel and I was like magic. Even before I met him it was magic. Everything I wanted to hear he would say. There were few things that didn't match up between us and they were largely manageable incompatibilities; they were negotiable. We named our pet pigs for our future farm. We discussed baby names and life plans and when we would move in together. There was a plan. It was fast, but it felt real and natural. I had been down the road before and so had he, but it felt good.

Today, I feel like I am gripping handfuls of broken glass. This magic dream that floated just above my grasp last Autumn, just ready to settle into my palms, so peacefully, so naturally has just shattered into this painful shards. Now it's nothing but broken.

Daniel left for Australia last week. Just a vacation, but with the intention and goal of moving there later this year. Maybe it won't happen- I've heard the job market is poor. But he's a determined guy and if he wants to go, he will. Repairing our relationship has been bumpy but fairly steady. I don't know exactly where it's headed, but I have felt okay with that. It has felt like there is potential there and I have felt at peace with whatever way the wind blows us, as long as no doors are closed. With his intention of leaving the country however, it does feel like a door is slamming on any romantic potential between us. There just won't be time for us to sort through things before he intends on leaving. He needs to heal his heart, and we need to heal the wounds between us, and months is just not enough time for us to do that, AND to move forward into a place where moving together would be on the table.

His trip got off to a rocky start he had some delays on his US connections, almost missed his international connection- they mysteriously sat on the runway at LAX, then what should have been a direct flight to Australia ended up making an emergency medical stop in Hawaii due to a passenger on his flight, where his flight ended up being stuck for two days. The plane had mechanical problems and a few other hiccups and eventually United transferred the passengers to other carriers. He originally left the US on a Wednesday but did not reach Australia until Saturday. It was a tad wild. I smugly giggled more than appropriate over the whole thing (not the Hawaii is a terrible place to be trapped, but he missed a number of activities in Australia, as I am aware) and even told him, karma was getting him back.

The curious thing about this trip though, was I had asked him previously if he was going alone, or with a good friend (who he will be planning an extended 8+ week trip to Australia later this year) and he told me the friend was meeting him at LAX (flying from the east coast to meet him there) and they were flying together from that point. But... it was quickly apparent from social media that his friend was not there. As he checked in on Facebook, with other passengers on his flight, and complained, and posted photos, it was very obvious he was on this trip alone... And eventually reached his final destination alone. His friend engaged with him online with no comments about missing his flight or any similar complaint.... Which leads me to the only conclusion I can come up with. Daniel lied. Again.

I can't possibly imagine why. What a ridiculous thing to lie about. Why would I care if he was traveling alone? I just returned from Cuba (alone) the same day he told me this yarn about traveling with his friend. So why would he lie? I am so incredibly baffled about this. And I became.. almost instantly... disconnected from him. I'm not even quite disappointed. It's like my heart turned off. It's such a familiar poison as that which I experienced with Matt that my emotional response is all but absent. But I'm not exactly sure what to do with the information either. I suppose, logically, I need to hold off on any action until he returns, and then simply inquire. But I feel as though my hand is somewhat forced at this point, because we now have a pattern. A pattern I don't understand or relate to. An illogical, nonsensical, ridiculous pattern. A pattern of pissing all over a relationship that was magic and wonderful and emotionally connected. And now wasted. But if you don't have trust, and you literally cannot trust any words that come from your partner's mouth, even about silly things like their travel plans, then what do you have? I'm confident if I ask him what is going on, he will answer honestly, but I don't understand why his first impulse is to lie to me. Is it just me? Or has this always been a problem? Is this some part of the trauma of all that he has been through? I have no idea. I'm so... confused.

I feel very checked out. I can't really imagine what will happen at this point. I'm surprised this is where we are turning now. If you had asked me in September, October, November- any previous month, I never would have guessed any of the things that had happened would have happened... But here we are. Another plot twist. But at least I am still upright this time around.

The last time I saw Daniel

After the mix up with our dinner plans and airport plans when I was coming back from New York, Daniel agreed to pick me up late from the airport when I was coming back from Cuba. We talked about getting dinner when he came back from Australia a couple of weeks after that and I was pleased we were continuing to smooth things over. We had both been very communicative, he had met some of my friends when he was in Oregon for an environmental conference and even went to University of Oregon and saw my school. I was really excited to hear about what he thought about everything and was very excited about our little worlds converging. We were just on a friends level but it felt great and I was pumped.

I landed in Orange County, made it safely through security and checked in. He was all on for picking me up and was planning on hanging out in the wait-lot until I got my bag. I had bought rum in the airport and I had to check my bag once I got into the states since I had to go through customs because of the liquid so I'd have to wait around a bit once I got back into Sac.

It turned out to be super annoying and between a flight delay and my bag being the last bag down the chute, I was like an hour later than expected and I felt really bad. But he had also decided to wait AT the airport rather than just hang out at home (just 10 minutes away) so I figured that was his call, so I apologized but didn't dwell on it too much. He was game to come get me, and he decided he wanted to wait, so I decided not to grovel or be crazy like I ordinarily would have been.

I noticed over text though he was being really abrasive and I kind of got my back up. I had had no service in Cuba and we hadn't spoken in 5 or so days. It seemed to have been a bad thing... He was very distant. This was precisely what I had feared with him. He was checking out again. He needed that constant contact or he would throw me out and run away. I actually got upset enough over text over what I felt was coming I almost told him not to get me but then I thought- that's dumb. I need a ride and I don't want to spend another $20 for an Uber. Just let him pick me up. So I said nothing even though he was coming off as a huge dick over text.

I finally got my bag and tried to take a breath and think nothing of his tone. But then he pulled up to the curb... and didn't get out. I had a big back pack and a little bag and I had just gone to a third world country and had been flying for 15 hours, and... nothing. He sat in the driver's seat. So I quickly unbuckled my bag and heaved it into the back of the station wagon and dragged my little pack into the front seat and smiled... and said hi. ...He didn't need to help me with my bags. It just would have been nice. Or a hug or... I mean I guess we are exes and that makes things awkward. I was just hoping it wouldn't be. Let's just be friends. Treat me that way. Don't treat me like.. pond scum.

We made some conversation in the car, and it felt good to be near him. We chatted and he made a pit stop at the gas station on the way home. He got out to pump the gas and I guess I kind of sighed a bit. He must have been watching me because he immediately opened the door and asked if I was okay. He said I looked sad.

... It makes me laugh because he's so intuitive. Even when he was trying to hold me at a distance and throw up all of these walls, he still couldn't help himself! I unbuckled my seat belt and slowly swirled around in my seat so my legs dangled out over the concrete and I looked up at him "I'm just tired." And I smiled, and he smiled. And we relaxed a little.

We joked a bit in the car and talked a little more freely and it felt better.

Then we got to my house... and he made clear he had no intention of getting out or coming in. He hadn't been to my house since we broke up and he had tried to fix my computer a few days later. But I prodded a little- I had brought him something back from Cuba and wanted to show him what I brought home.

He finally said he would come in for just a minute.

We walked up to the front door and as soon as I turned the front door handle it was like ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE.

First the beagle howling and barking like a maniac.

Then the odor of urine hit my face. The entire house REEKED.

Then my eyes fell on the dog poop prominently piled in the center of the rug.

I ran around frantically opening doors while Daniel stumbled backwards as the smell hit him. I apologized over and over, stammering- so embarrassing. I flushed the poop and ran the dog outside to the bathroom. It was SO embarrassing. Literally this was the first time he had been in my home since our breakup and it was the biggest cluster. It smelled TERRIBLE. It was awful. But I didn't want him to leave. In retrospect I should have invited him to sit on the porch or something. Neither of us wanted to sit on anything- the whole house smelled so incredibly bad. I guess the litterbox was part of the problem but really the dog had had a lot of anxiety while I was gone and had been having accidents on my living room rug and the housesitter had closed all of the windows when she left and it just trapped all of the smell. Daniel stood there, staring at me, breathing into his jacket.

I can only imagine what he told people later. This was like the lowest of the low for me. I wish he had just laughed or said he didn't care or otherwise taken control or reassured me. It was so humiliating.

I was now flustered, so I had a hard time going through my bag but I finally found it- two small prints I had found at the Central Havana Market. They weren't very expensive but they made me think of him. I told him he didn't have to take them, but I bought them for him. He took them and said they'd go well with a poster he just got. I sort of wonder now what he did with them. I'd rather he give them back to me if he didn't want them. I don't know what his personal policy is with that kind of stuff. He has made clear in the months since our relationship is erased from his mind... So perhaps he destroyed them. I have no idea. But the artpieces were special. I don't know. Maybe I'm being dramatic. I suppose I bought them for him and he can do with them what he likes. I perched on the edge of the couch and we stood and we talked a little bit about his trip to Australia. I was just getting home very late on Monday night and he was leaving on Wednesday for Melbourne. It was all very exciting. I loved all of the adventures we were going on. It was wonderful. I had such a great time in Cuba and I was so excited for him to go to Australia- it was a lifelong dream for him.

We talked for a bit, and hugged and he finally left.


I never saw him again.

New York- in the dorms with my nieces!

At the beginning of March I traveled to New York to visit my nieces at college. I got to stay in their dorms with them, travel around the city, do an engagement shoot and other fun stuff! I've been to New York before so I did less touristy things- or lower priority touristy things this time around, but had so much fun! We hit Black Tap, the Friends building, Carrie Bradshaw's apartment, saw Les Mis, walked around Brooklyn Bridge Park, and then across the Brooklyn Bridge at night, through the village and over to Rebel Rebel the record store and a million other little things.  I did the September 11th Memorial on my own. I also went to the Joseph Arthur/RDNM concert while I was there and had dinner at Balthazar's. It was lovely.

Daniel also texted me non-stop while I was there. Mostly love poems he had written. It was very confusing. He was actually in Oregon- at my school-, University of Oregon at an environmental conference while I was there. I even arranged for my friends to prank him while he was there. He met my friend Skylar and Beth and saw the artwork in the library- including the piece inspired by me. He wrote about me (and tagged me) on Instagram and Facebook about the concert I went to and the art show I referred him to. I think we were both really pleased and made plans to have dinner on my return. We ended up having a miscommunication while I was in the air on the way back though- he texted me and I didn't receive it- and I thought he was standing me up or flaking and he thought I was pouting because he couldn't take me to the airport early in the morning. So we never grabbed dinner. Which was disappointing and we were both being very sensitive. We had already defined that nothing was happening between us so I just took it at face value, but in retrospect, I sort of wish I had pushed  our conversations more. We were being fairly affectionate and open and I don't know what could have happened if I pushed the envelope. We made plans to go to dinner after he came back from Australia in a couple of weeks... but things changed and that didn't happen either. I really regret that.

 

 My dinner at Balthazar's- pomme frites and wine!

Graffiti in Black Tap!

Closing the door- and opening it again. (Seeing Daniel for the first time; Second date with Chris)

My first date with Chris was at Kupros. We grabbed beers and chatted about our similar backgrounds. He had been in a punk band for a decade, traveling all over, living the high life, and then the band broke up one day. They all grew up, he went back to school and became an accountant. We had different artistic backgrounds, but our stories were comparable. He was very nice and while I wasn't exactly sure we had chemistry, I thought he might be a fun friend to go to concerts with. It was worth trying for a second date. He had already asked me to go to a Brian Fallon concert- the frontman for Gaslight Anthem which had also recently broken up- and I accepted.

I went to check out the concert info on Facebook, and double checked the RSVP list. There were only about a dozen people (or less) who had said they were attending the concert and I just had one of those feelings. You know what I mean?

And there it was. Daniel had also RSVP'd to the concert. His name stared back at me big and bold on the page. I wasn't really sure what to do.

I had already heard the tickets weren't selling well and I was more than a little concerned no one was coming to this show. I suddenly had flashes of being alone in the concert venue with my date, 5 people and my ex. I contemplated canceling with Chris, but I didn't want to stop living my life just because Daniel would be there.

So I texted him.

I said something like, it was awkward that we weren't speaking, and I kept seeing him, or people he knew around town and it would be better if we had some kind of open line of communication.

Pretty quickly I got a response, which shocked me. I didn't expect him to respond at all. But the response was hostile and was along the lines of, "I'm sorry you're afraid to go places but that's not really my problem. " And something about, "I don't see how talking will help anything. You want a  relationship and I don't."

Honestly, I laughed when I read it because he was so (unnecessarily) reactive to what I had written. So I clarified, stated I was going to a concert and saw he was going and didn't want it to be awkward.

He immediately softened. He told me he would never run away from me and hoped I wouldn't either, and if I wanted to go to a show, I should go. He hoped I would say "Hi," too. It was like a night and day difference once I clarified. We ended up texting for hours, catching up, talking about trips we had planned and what had been going on in our lives.

I told him I would be at the concert with a date and asked if that would be uncomfortable, and he said no, of course not, and in turn told me he'd be there with a platonic female friend. He told me a little about her and I felt my back go up almost immediately. He talked about her like a jealous boyfriend. I could just smell something was weird about it, but accepted it. I did tell him it would be weird for me to see him with someone but that's where we were at. We also discussed social media, and decided to re-friend each other on Facebook. Valentine's Day he accepted my friend request.

Thursday Chris and I went to Bottle & Barlow, a charming upscale bar where he just so happened to know the owner. When I walked up out front I saw him do a little double take at what I was wearing, smile, and then immediately stifle it. It was very flattering to see someone openly be so pleased with how I looked but I instantly felt shy. I didn't think it was anything special, but what do I know? I wore jeans and boots, a black and white striped shirt with buttons up the back and my leather jacket.

I was actually pretty proud of myself that day though- I had just fit into a size 0 for the first time and I wore those jeans for the very first time that night. I weighed in just around 140- I was down around 93 pounds from my highest weight.

Chris and I had drinks before the concert and I tried to shake off my nerves about Daniel being there, and being on a second date. This was my first second date since Daniel and I had started dating. I had already briefed Chris on the situation and he was comfortable with everything and I planed on saying hello to Daniel at some point if we ran into each other. Around 7:30 or so Chris and I walked over to the venue and found a spot up in the side balcony/elevated area where we could see everything. Some friends and co-workers of his also happened to be there so there was a group of us. I tried to just ignore my anxiety and enjoy the company I was with, but Daniel was always in the back of my mind. 

The opening act started to play and while I was facing the stage, I could suddenly just feel this presence from across the room. It was like a honing beacon. Without even turning my head I just knew he was there. It was pretty bizarre. This feeling of being pulled to something across the room with a couple hundred people between us. I turned my head just a bit and it was definitely him. Every few minutes he would turn his head one way or the other and obviously scan the room. He was looking for me.

I waited until the opening act finished, and excused myself to the restroom, with the promise of bringing a drink back for my date. After using the ladies though, I beelined straight for Daniel. 

I put my hand on the back of his leather jacket and he turned to the left towards me. He smiled very softly at me, and he looked almost relieved to see me. He gave me a little side hug and we started to talk. His friend had been ill and hadn't come, so he was there alone. He asked me a couple of questions about my date and I tried to hide it, but he reads me so well. Some emotion must have flashed behind my eyes because he interrupted me and said, "You're upset." And I said No, I wasn't. And he said that no, he could tell. I looked down at the ground and tried to pull back in the tears that had briefly glazed my eyes in front of him. I don't remember specifically what he said, but he pestered me a bit about the definition of my relationship with my date. My man friend? Boyfriend?  To some of these I answered "No," and to at least one I told him, "You can't ask me that." Because he knew my situation. He had been the first person I dated in 5 years and intimacy in relationships was a very touchy thing for me. We talked about his upcoming trip to Australia and Patagonia and his new Sony camera, which made me so proud. (I'm a Sony shooter.) I was surprised he remembered I shot Sony and had allowed that to influence his decision in purchasing a camera. I was pleased. He paused at some point in the conversation and said, "You're still someone I'm attracted to." I blushed and looked away. I didn't know how to respond. Here is this person who I loved more than anything, but had hurt me deeply and didn't want to be with me. What do you say?

We talked far longer than was appropriate- probably close to 20 minutes, and had more to say when the main act started to come on stage. Daniel invited my date to come down with me and stand on the floor with him but I absolutely refused. Beyond the fact I needed boundaries, it wouldn't be fair to Chris either. I also just didn't want to be on a date in front of someone I was still in love with. 

I started to walk away and we hugged again. He said, "See, this wasn't that awkward, right?"

I smiled a little out of the corner of my mouth and retorted, "Well, I'm raging drunk right now. And your date isn't here."

He laughed back at me. "Yeah, I'm drunk too." His eyes twinkled at me. And then he was inviting me to come over to his house after the show. Without hesitation I said sure, and told him to text me after it was over.

I headed over to the bar and finally got Chris his very tardy drink and apologized for taking so long. I told him I had seen Daniel and he said he had figured and asked how it went. I remember feeling both wildly relieved and absolutely pumped with adrenaline. I couldn't stop moving for the rest of the show. 

After, Chris walked me to my car and we talked a bit. Part of the conversation turned to friendships with exes. I was impressed he had somehow managed to stay friends with all of his and he guided me a little bit on his experiences. There was only one woman he had struggled to be friends with, and it was because they still had feelings for each other. He told me he felt the only way to really turn it into a friendship was to get involved with someone else. From the way he was looking at me, I knew what he was saying. I gave him a hug but turned and walked back to my car and started to drive to Daniel's.

I kind of wonder now if he had deleted my number, which is odd since we had just texted days before (and he had texted me several times in the days leading up to the concert as well, which also surprised me). But he had Facebook messaged me to let me know he was on his way home and to let him know if I still wanted to come over and talk. I replied back that I was on my way and would be there in a few.

Walking up to his old Victorian in Boulevard Park was the oddest feeling. Like I was trespassing, but with a free pass for the day. I wasn't supposed to be there, but I had been invited. I called or texted from the porch that I couldn't remember his building code anymore and he walked out to let me in.

Walking past him into his house I immediately froze. I hadn't stood in that hallway since the day we broke up. I felt absolutely overwhelmed with emotion and a little scared. From behind me he couldn't have seen my face but he just seemed to instinctively know what was wrong and put his hands on my back and said, "It's okay. I know it looks a little different now. But it's okay." I took a breath and walked in. He got me a beer and offered me a seat on his couch. I stood in the living room a minute and just looked around. He had cleaned up a bit, and rearranged a couple of things but mostly it was the same. And that felt odd. This place had felt like a home to me. I had been as at ease in it as I had been in my own home and I felt like a stranger to it's walls now. 

I turned to look at the couch and hesitated again. He handed me my drink invited me to sit again, and as I stood there said, "That couch is bad. All of the bad things happened on that couch." And Dan just patted me and said, we'll make some better memories on it now."

That couch... it's like a big monument to the bad things in our relationship. We stopped being physical with each other when that couch came into his house. I confronted him about his ex on that couch. He rejected me on that couch. Sitting on the short arm of that beige colored piece of crap, he broke my heart into a thousand pieces when he told me he couldn't do "this" anymore. The last time I touched that couch was the moment I was sobbing, bent over the arm after Dan told me he couldn't imagine getting involved with someone until at least after the bar exam.  That couch holds many bad, terrible, emotional memories for me.

I walked with Dan over to the couch and curled up next to him. At first we just sat facing each other talking, but the longer we were there, the hours passed by, and the closer we shifted towards each other. All of a sudden I found myself with my legs slung over his lap and our hands intertwined and our arms around each other. "What exactly is happening here?" he laughed at me. And I just said, "I don't know, I'm drunk!" And he laughed and I laughed and we cuddled in closer to each other. I missed him, and this felt good.

We talked about everything. He answered questions that had been building up for me over the last 12 weeks we had been apart; we caught up on our lives. He apologized for things he had done. We talked about his tattoos and our vacation plans.  He told me he was going to get a Celtic woman and a lady boxer as part of his tattoos but he didn't want to tell me why because he wanted it to be private. I don't understand why though. He always told me before. He told me he can't be in a relationship, but that he wants someone to go on adventures with. I died a little death with that thought later, because I wished it was me that was going on adventures with him. He told me he eventually told Kait (his best friend) that he had lied to me about his ex. She slapped him across the face and called him an idiot. I really wished I had met her, and said so. I think he said maybe someday I would. Honestly I hope that's true. I don't even know this girl, but I like her.

Music was playing in the background and at one point I recognized the long guitar intro to a particular song and paused and just like he always seemed to know my thoughts he said he had played this song for me before. I wish I knew what song it was but I never asked.

We talked all night. I lost track of time after 4am but we told so many stories. He had seen his ex at the Farmer's Market once, and they hadn't spoken. He said it was not him that say in front of the record store. He hadn't been there in months. Not since he went with me. He told me about the girls that had been in his life since and we talked about that too. I felt betrayed. Upset. He tried to comfort me about that too. Those decisions had had nothing to do with me. They had more to do with his own discomfort. There had even been someone the day after we broke up. I was crushed, but I had suspected it. "It had nothing to do with you. I just felt so empty and so alone after we broke up and I wanted it to go away. With you, there were feelings, with her, there wasn't. And that's why it couldn't be you." There had been too much pressure. Pressure I argued back to him that he had put on himself, not that I had put on him.  We held each other.

He looked over at me, and started to say something, but stopped himself, as he often did with me. "Just say it," I smiled back at him and touched his shoulder with a little reassurance.
"No it's a bad idea."
"Just say it."
"I was just going to say I wanted to kiss you." He looked at me sideways and a little guiltily.
Without any hesitation I leaned over and kissed him. It's what I wanted. I had thought about it a thousand times before that night. Given all that had happened leading up to the day we broke up, and all of the things that had happened since, I was surprised he said it or even felt it, but it didn't diminish my feelings in any respect. I leaned back and looked at him, and we went right back to talking.  Every few minutes there would be a pause and we'd lean over and kiss each other.

After awhile he sort of laughed without warning; I suppose as the thought came through his mind. "My friends are not going to believe this when I tell them my friend canceled on me and instead I ended up bringing my ex-girlfriend home with me, getting her drunk and making out on my couch until the middle of the night."
"This is not making out."
"Well."
Being the instigator that I am, this was of course the point at which we started making out.

At one point, we sat back and looked at each other and he sort of looked me up and down and then made long eye contact and asked me if I had dressed like that for my date, or for him. I sort of stuttered out what did he mean, that I was just dressed nicely but he just smiled. Because, I don't know if he really understood, but of course I dressed that way for him. I wanted to look nice going out, but if I saw him, I wanted to look nice and be comfortable and confidant. Nothing really does that like a new outfit does. I had started wearing my hope necklace again too, but worn backwards, because I don't have my hope back yet.

He told me he hates himself every day. He hates himself for what he did to me and he doesn't understand why I don't hate him. That if things were reversed, he would hate me.Of all of his exes, for some reason I had given him some kind of wild anxiety that I would try and kill him. I have no idea why he thought that. Or if he really though that, why he would have invited me back into his home. He did tell me that when we were breaking up and I told him that I needed to branch out and make my own friends in this new place that that really struck a chord with him. While he hadn't considered it at the time, in retrospect, he felt like I depended on him too much. I honestly felt we mutually leaned on each other, and that it was fairly normal for the beginning of a relationship but I still needed to work on building friendships, which takes time to do.

We eventually fell asleep, his arms around me and I slept more soundly than I had in months. When his alarm went off in the morning we both ignored it and just cuddled instead. When he finally got up, he was late for work by more than an hour but he didn't stop himself from continuing to visit with me and he drove me to my car. We hugged and kissed good bye, several times in the car and talked about closure and how important this had been. We thanked each other for being able to have the conversations we had had, and he thanked me for continuing to understand he still wasn't ready to be involved. I kissed him one last time and said good bye. My heart was heavy but seeing him was such a relief.

The next day I was riding around with my friend Mary and I told her what had happened. As we sat at the stop light, she turned to me, grinned and said, "Welcome back to the land of the living." And shifted the car back into first.

A Low Week

I am not having a good week. I feel down, I am crying all of the time, my eating has been terrible-I am having really strong urges to binge and I feel so lost. All I want to do is run. Either run away, or park my ass on Daniel's house and force this conversation my body keeps screaming I need to have with him.

Logically, my brain says this is a terrible idea. My friends say this is a terrible idea. Google says this is a terrible idea.

But my heart.

How do you know the difference between listening to your intuition, and knowing what is right for yourself, and just crazy girl talk? I don't know. How do you discern the difference between "good" advice from friends, and just seeking out the validation you want to hear from some people, and dismissing what you don't want to hear from other people? How do you filter out the "noise" people project on to you? I recently shared some insights from therapy with a close friend and she told me those observations seemed very obvious and I had to be really naïve to have not caught on to them before. The insights were MAJOR for me, and her comments bothered me deeply, so I discussed them in therapy the next week, and my therapist said... That person is just repeating back to you some reaction someone else gave her once. That's her shit. Not your shit. Your revelation is yours.

I went to the doctor today to do a post-break up check up. I've had some funny things happen with my body since the break up that I could not diagnose with my pal Dr. Google and so I utilized my great ghetto insurance for the first time and got some testing done. Speaking with the doctor, she thinks I'm just having some fun "You're over 30!" body changes. Joy. Better that than other stuff, but she still ordered every damn test under the sun just in case. For someone who has been celibate for almost 6 years it is incredible to me that I still have to worry about crap.

My therapist has brought it up several times, and I drunkenly texted a friend a similar comment last week: I think I need to talk to him. Either the universe will bring us together randomly, or he will reach out to me, or I am going to turn up on his front porch. Because this isn't done yet.

When we said good bye at my house that day, I thought I was saying good bye to my boyfriend and trying to adjust to a friendship with him. A brief period of separation and then a probably very awkward adjustment period. I had huge paranoia that I wouldn't see him again, but we agreed that wasn't what was going to happen. I felt very worried and panicky over this, but this was supposed to be a transition, not a good bye. So I was trying very hard to hold on to that.

This has turned into something totally different. Daniel running away from me at the record store last week- SERIOUSLY WHAT WAS THAT? Why is this a thing now? There was no love lost here! There was no problem between us! So why is there now? If we were to get back together.. We would have a lot to work through at this point because my trust issues have been majorly triggered. I hope that I have done enough work on my own that it wouldn't be a giant mountain to overcome, but it would be something. But if we are going to have no interaction in the future, I feel like I need a good bye and closure. Everything I have read says, I am never going to get what I need from him. But why does my gut say the exact opposite? What exactly am I supposed to listen to? Is everything I am experiencing normal, or should I just reach out and make this happen? I'm so confused. If I just keep waiting will the soul ache go away? But then again... I don't really want it to. Because I miss him and I am not done with this yet. I can't move on until I am done with this.

That time I ran into my ex and his ex.

It was a Friday. Over the last couple of months I have fallen into a pretty solid routine. Sundays I go to the Farmer's market. Then Trader Joe's. Then the record store. But this was a Friday, I was home, and I felt this pretty strong urge to go to Trader Joe's. I wanted this chicken salad thing that cost almost $5 and I couldn't really afford. I himmed and haa'ed and finally got dressed to go.

It was around 5:40pm and I pulled up just as the after work rush arrived. I scanned the parking lot with a bit of paranoia, checking for Daniel's car. The closest Trader Joe's to my house is a bit of a drive- and right near his work. I have absolutely no idea what his shopping routine is, and suddenly I felt awash with anxiety that I might run into him. Any time I went out in Midtown I felt this overwhelming anxiety. Worry that I would. Hope that I would. It's not that I didn't ever want to see him again- I did. But I wasn't really ready to. But I also felt this heightened awareness that he was probably going to move away as soon as he graduated. Although that was not part of his plans when we were together, or when he was with his ex, I just had this strong intuition that he was going to bail once he graduated. I felt like time was running out. And yet, I wasn't ready to see him either.

I kept my head down, staring to my right at the cars in the lot as I walked blindly into the store- and straight into a tall, warm body- and their mosquito sized breasts. I stumbled back, fairly startled.

And then did a double take.

In my distracted state, I had walked straight into the exit, and right into Daniel's ex.

She smiled at me, slowly, sort of like a pod person. Like her head was full of cotton. She stepped back easily and calmly and took even, smooth steps again towards the parking lot to her little white car. She had the most perfect hair I had ever seen in my life. Like a fucking Panteen commercial. Each curl perfectly formed and held. They bounced in precision too.

I stared. I probably drooled too. I mean, every brain cell I had cracked out of my head and dumped onto the sidewalk the second I had walked into her, I was so surprised. Never in the months since I had found out about the existence of this person had it ever occurred to me that I needed to worry about running into her. The perfect human. The human who broke my Daniel's heart and rendered him incapable of moving forward in our relationship, and essentially ruined our relationship. Of course, this is also Daniel's fault. Mostly Daniel's fault. But if we are each a little kinder and more adult in our own break ups, maybe the lovers we leave behind wouldn't be so fucked up for the next person

I just stood there, in the exit staring as the little white car backed up and pulled out of the lot before stumbling into the entrance and attempting to shop. Except I couldn't. I was shaking. I called my best friend, Kristin and paced around the store recounting the story. I noticed a middle age woman started following me around eavesdropping on my drama. I didn't even care. I don't remember if I bought anything. I was so out of it.

I head on to my favorite shop to work on job applications but 30 freaked out minutes later I have accomplished nothing and my anxiety is still raging. I stare, I dwell. I replay the moment over and over again in my head. Why the hell was she there? I didn't even think she lived in Sacramento. I thought she lived like 30 minutes away. Then I start ruminating on the fact that Daniel and she probably shopped at that Trader Joe's together as a couple. This makes my stomach churn. This was the relationship I thought I was going to have, and they had it. And I'm not going to get it. We aren't even speaking; we probably won't ever speak again because he is hung up on this woman with the perfect hair who treated him like crap and threw him out like garbage- like he did me.

I stare across the coffee shop and a familiar beat hits my ear. Fleetwood Mac. I sigh. Rhinanon. A song I love and have adored since childhood. I have been looking for the "Rumours" album on vinyl for about a month without success. I take it as a sign. I pack up my shit and head to the record store. I am being totally unproductive and sitting here is a waste.

I drive back across town and try to relax my body. The record store after the break up has become a place of solace for me. It was a place that Daniel introduced to me to, but it became a place that was my own. I parked the car and as I strode up to the door my eyes felt drawn up to a car crossing the intersection towards me. A black volkswagen. My eyes connected with the driver. A man with dark rimmed glasses and a beard. As he began to turn into the lot, our eyes connected and just as suddenly he turned the wheel and turned suddenly down the residential street. I froze. It was Daniel. he had been coming to the record store, saw me, and sped away.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I walked into the store and sped over to the vinyl section. I began to panic again. Did he really just speed away from me? Really? Did he leave or was he waiting for me to leave? Should I leave? Was he coming in here? My thoughts felt frantic. I flipped through the racks quickly. No Fleetwood Mac. I grabbed a Ryan Adams CD and fled the store for Target where I paced around for an hour trying to calm down. What the hell was that? Who does that? Maybe he just panicked. And what the hell is with seeing both of them on the same night? This is really what we have come down to? Running away from each other in a record store parking lot? Really?

Following in the steps of his healing

It's been such a long time since I've gone through the break up process I honestly don't really remember what it's like anymore. The last few days I've heard myself echoing in my own head Daniel's words about needing to be alone, and figure things out with therapy, and take care of myself. I started turning off my dating apps and saying no to the (many, many) dates I've been asked out on over the last few weeks and shutting down conversations that men keep starting with me. Even supposedly platonic conversations I have stopped in their tracks because, I am just not ready. I feel about as emotionally available as a tree stump.

 I'm sitting here in this coffee shop in midtown and every time I see a car that looks like his drive by my heart jumps a little, and in the same breath... my body feels like he's becoming a stranger a bit again. It's happening. He's going away. The memories are. We've been separated longer than we were together now and as much as I want to hold on to everything, the world has continued to spin madly on.

I hang on to everything I have because, this relationship mattered so much to me. And my heart still aches for the feelings he evoked in me and the connection I know we had. And I still cry. I cry in the car, curled in my bed late at night, over sad episodes of Sex and the City, and sometimes even in Target wandering around on a Saturday afternoon. But I can't stop him from going away. He's been gone physically for two months. I haven't communicated with him in a month now, and now, the part that I held and clung to so dearly- my memories- his voice, smell, how he held my hand, how he cradled me in his arms. Those things are starting to go too. Those are not things that I want parted from my memory and I know that I will cling to them as long as possible. And it will prolong the ache in my chest. But I can't help it. It's the only thing I have left now. I don't want that reality to happen. I don't want to meet him again one day as strangers. This man I loved so much. Even though I am afraid; I am already gone from his mind.

Why do we even bother with love anyway, when it causes this much pain?

Lost

It's 8 weeks today since Daniel and I broke up and I still feel so very lost. I feel like I don't know myself. I don't know who I am or what I want from my life. Every day I wake up, and lay curled up in this tight little ball and wish something other than last fall had every happened. Anything. That I never met him, or that I stayed in Oregon, or that he had been honest from the beginning and we had perhaps been friends instead of falling in love. Anything else. In September I was very, very ready to meet someone. And now I am so far set back I don't even know how long this is going to take me to get over this. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I will just wake up tomorrow and POOF all of these feelings and confusion will be gone.

Maybe.

There was this moment when we were breaking up- I can definitively point to it. I know what floor board I was staring at. And it felt like someone reached over and just blew out this little figurative candle I have carried and protected in my chest all of these years. Dreams I carried since childhood of being a parent, partner, homeowner and so on. Woosh. Out that candle went. And all of my dreams went with it.

I've never felt that sensation before. Not even with Matt. Even with Matt I still carried that candle that I wanted all of those dreams to come true. I worried endlessly that they wouldn't and worked hard to ensure they would.

This time, that little light went out.

I don't know if I want those things anymore. I don't know exactly what I want.

I know I am afraid to risk myself with someone again.

I have come to believe you can "make it work," with lots of people. I think Daniel's past testified to that. So does mine. There are personality matches, and then there are those deeper emotional matches, soul matches- what I believe this was. And I don't know that I could handle loosing someone I connected with as deeply as Daniel again. But how do you settle for a "make it work" person after having had a emotional soul match like the one I just had?

I'm probably just wounded.

Like Daniel's friend said when we first started dating... I'm a stage 5 clinger. It was the truth. To me, this was offensive. We were in a relationship. Why would it matter if I was clingy or not? Wasn't that sort of the point? The problem with that was, Daniel should have been out having a fling. Which was his friend's point. To his friend, the fact I had been single so long was a giant red flag. I wasn't someone out for a fling. Daniel didn't pick up on this. But that was because Daniel didn't pick up on the fact that HE should have been out having a fling.

I don't know what I want now. At this point, I'm probably the one who should be having a fling. Except that that's not me. My friends have talked me into two first dates and I'm just about done with that now. I left the second date upset, lonely for Daniel and reflective that regardless of how lonely I am in general, it's going to take me quite a bit of time to get over this relationship. The last time we saw each other, Daniel told me he probably wasn't going to be able to start dating until next summer. Now, while I suspect he has already started dating, (and has perhaps already had an entire relationship/fling and break up since me....) this estimate is in all honesty probably going to be the accurate trajectory for myself. But that's just how significant this relationship was for me.

I feel like crap. I'm depressed. I don't know who or what I'm looking for. I don't know if I want to get married anymore. I don't know if I want kids. I don't even know that I want to stay in Sacramento. Honestly, I don't know that I can. Every time I come here, I am parlayed with one horrible experience after another. Assuming this turns out how I expect (I never see or hear from Daniel again, just like every other significant partner in my life has abandoned me) I don't know that I really want to be here anymore. Especially if I don't have long term plans or goals for myself... Maybe I just want to start over somewhere else. Without plans, the world really is my oyster and I'd rather spend my time exploring it. The only idea that truly excites me at this point is travel. If I had funds, I wouldn't even be here right now, I'd be in an old VW Bus, on the road. Or in Europe with a back pack. Or in SE Asia. Anywhere but here. I do want a job and a career, and I have been playing with the idea of once again continuing my education but the student loan thing stops me in my tracks.

Since those things aren't options right now, I am working on getting a job, exploring the hobbies I enjoy (concerts, music, guitar, roadtrips, swing dancing and so on) and trying to take care of myself. And working on my social life. I'm doing the best I can.

I know this post is exploding with depression. But that's just where I am at right now.