Pointing to the Future, with hands aghast.

I feel so emotionally unprepared to date again. Some part of me misses having a partner, and remembers how satisfying it was to just have someone there.  It is that part of me that keeps me active on various dating apps. But... the rest of me just isn't there. I feel so flat and disinterested. Whenever I make a new connection with someone, if I write to that person at all, which is a very small proportion of the time, I very quickly drop off the conversation. I just can't make myself engage.

After Daniel, things are just different. I don't know that I have felt this way before. When I think about getting married or having kids now, it's akin to a foreign concept. It is an uncomfortable coat to try on. It doesn't seem to fit anymore. I expressed these kinds of feelings back in December, right after we broke up, but while my depression and mood has improved, my feelings haven't changed.

I was truly, my most authentic self with this person. I was incredibly vulnerable and open. I threw my arms wide and jumped in with every part of me. And I got burned, badly. I have continued to be burned, repeatedly in the months since. Each additional incident hurts less because I'm so unsurprised by it and I feel I understand his behavior and where it's rooting from. To the extent I don't even question it anymore. I just get it. (Which annoys me also.)

After a relationship that was that emotionally intense for me, I just can't even fathom being that vulnerable again, with anyone. It sounds so incredibly horrible to me. My distrust of men is incredibly low at this point. It would take a very special person to rise above the barrier of crap people have left behind with me. I don't really know what to do, but I don't really care either. That's how little interest I have at this point.

I used to say I didn't believe people were meant to be alone. We are supposed to have partners. I feel like I am rounding this bend in my life where I just don't believe that for myself any longer. I've been alone a long time and things are relatively peaceful that way. Maybe I'm not supposed to have a partner. Maybe I am meant to be alone. Maybe that's what all of these horrible things were supposed to direct me to.

I don't know. And I don't really care. But, I can't help but feel mournful about all of it.