Fears

There are alot of things I am afraid of right now. Real-life things- like men, being touched, police officers... and then there are things in my future I am afraid of or for. They almost haunt me. I think about them quite a bit and worry. I didn't use to have too many fears for my future, but now they are things I think about way too much. Going through trauma has changed me in ways I don't like, but it happened and that's a fact. My therapist has told me that fears like these keep me safe for right now while I heal, and once things are better, I will push those boundaries to a new level I am comfortable with. I still worry it won't ever happen. Are there things you worry about like this?

I am afraid things will always be exactly as they are now. That my life will be awful, that I will always be trapped in my house and things will never, ever change.

I am afraid I will never be comfortable being touched again.

I worry about how I will ever date if when I try to think about it, I scream and push away- even in my day dreams- just at the thought of holding hands.

I am afraid I won't ever trust anyone in the way I used to. That I won't ever be able to believe.

That I won't ever have children, a family, or fufill any of the lifelong dreams I have had about my life.

I am afraid of never being happy.

I am afraid of always being afraid.

I am afraid that I will never fall in love with someone else the way I did with Matt, and never meet someone who I have a connection with as strong as the connection was between him and I.

That I will never move on.

***************************