It's been 5 1/2 weeks since things abruptly ended with Daniel. And I'm still feeling... Lost. Empty. Confused. Missing him. Like it was a mistake.
I'm also somewhat angry at him. This, I believe, was a stronger match than how he presented his last two relationships, and he pissed all over it. He ruined it by first, not taking care of himself and being truly ready for me, which was incredibly selfish on his part. One of his favorite quotes is about love serving others- one of my favorite concepts about love is meeting your partner with a servant's heart. You care not just about them, but for them. You take care of each other. You don't just think about yourself. You consider all parties. He didn't do this.
Beyond that, he was dishonest about his relationship history. When we talked about it, he mitigated it by saying he "pushed back the dates," but the truth is he just lied. The first lie, which was understandably rooted from self consciousness, embarrassment, or something similar (he said he liked me so much and just didn't know what to say), consequently led to another, and another. While I absolutely feel I got to know the spirit of him as a human, I missed huge chunks of his life experience by not knowing what he had been through not just that last year, but those last few months, and that deeply affected our relationship. Even him just hiding his photo albums on Facebook did that. That's your life buddy. You don't need to pretend it didn't happen! I want to know ALL of you!
Oddly, and I have no idea if he ever reflected on this, but we really rose above all of the baggage he kept dragging into our relationship. We worked hard-pretty naturally- and swam through it. We were good with each other. Even my stuff- I have pretty bad anxiety at times, and I fed off his depression and confusion like it was kindling. He clearly was a bit stressed by it at the end, but he also listened to me with an open heart when we talked about it, if I at least felt he did. I felt heard. I also felt like he was a good calming piece for me. We each have our challenges in life, anxiety has been one of mine the last couple years. I've worked hard to manage it and since I haven't always had it, I hope it'll die down with time and as life stressors reduce. He was a good support to me. I think he knew that; I hope he did. We were good partners.
Which again brings me back to question why he bailed. I never would have left. I would have worked with him through any array of shit to that point, as long as we did it as a team. Just don't shut me out. That was my one real deal breaker.
What prompted me to write today- tapping this out on my phone, on a blow up mattress in my teenage bedroom at my dad's house no less- is the awful thought I had today is this relationship that ended 51/2 weeks ago will soon be rendered meaningless. Probably first by him, and eventually by me too. Realistically speaking, we only dated a couple of months. I can argue three months, and I can honestly say we dated "all last fall," because that's true, but it was an incredibly brief period of time in comparison to the big picture of our lives. The intensity of our relationship is going to fade- especially if we are both working at it. We've wiped each other off social media (something I regret with every part of my being and it feels likes yet another loss) and there is no communication between us. My gut says the Sacramento area now holds bad memories for him, and like after his first serious relationship ended, he's going to move once school ends. And honestly, that's kind of where I am at as well. I'm so angry this is where we are at because it shouldn't have turned out like this. It's truly absurd. Even K and I are friends, but Daniel and I... He won't even speak to me. What did I do? I loved and supported him, and worried about his well being. I'm sorry that's wounding to you? What? I mean, I do understand. If he has anything remotely in the same ballpark of feelings for me like I do for him, then it would be upsetting to interact with me. And yet, we don't have to be apart, that's a choice you felt you had to make, so... Why are we separated if you have feelings for me? ... I'm being critical here, I know. And it's unfair. I know that too. But I miss him. I wish he was in my life. It's yet another loss. I've had so many of those...
Which leaves me with these cringe inducing thoughts. One day not long from now he'll be in a relationship with someone else (some bitchy ho) and he'll say, "Yeah, I went to X spot once, this girl I went on a couple dates with took me there I think. Don't really remember." And that'll be it.
This extremely meaningful, soulful, connected, most special relationship I ever had is going to be reduced to a big old nothing. Forgotten and faded away. Maybe that's why I like Ryan Adam's "Wildest Dreams" so much.
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
Sunday, December 20, 2015
Little Rock trip with Sarah and cutting ties with Daniel
Sarah was basically my best friend when I lived in Oregon. She was the long term girlfriend of a guy in my program and they had moved cross country together. Their relationship ended during our time in the program and she and I spent an extraordinary amount of time together while she tried to heal and work through things. After I moved back to California, she moved back to Arkansas.
After Daniel and I broke up, I was obviously melting and I bought tickets to go see her right away. She had just gotten her own apartment and we arranged for a long weekend for the soonest I could get tickets, which turned out to be right before Christmas.
Coming into "Bill & Hillary Clinton" airport was totally crazy. Our plane circled for hours because they couldn't get the flaps up on the wings to help slow the plane down! So they announced over the loud speaker to brace ourselves, buckle in tight and be sure all of our crap was really strapped in good because we were going to come in FAST- but... it's totally fine. The landing was for sure fast, and we definitely used the whole runway trying to slow down and stop. It was pretty bumpy, but not bad! What was bad was the hour or two (I can't remember anymore) of circling in rough air. I got off the plane, beelined for the bathroom, and puked. But I felt much better!
Once we landed though, we realized our plane was surrounded by firetrucks and ambulances- is that reassuring or not so reassuring?!
Sarah was waiting for me at the exit point and we did the amazing running into each other's arms and screaming thing. it was great. Then she took me straight out for booze and snacks. :)
We had some rosemary gin drink! It was baller.
After that we went to her grandparent's house to see DEXTER, my beloved pretend dog. He is Sarah's dog, but I used to steal him all the time when we were both in Oregon so my dog Charlie could havea playmate! And when I would go out of town the two dogs would stay together so they wouldn't get lonely. I love Dexter. Sarah calls me his better Mama. lol
Okay, so the dog is a little dumb. He's very lovable though,
From there, we went off to introduce me to the local delicacy- CHEESE DIP. Similar to nacho cheese, or queso, but both more sophisticated... and not. It is kind of like melted plastic, but made with heavy cream. It is amazing. I could drink the stuff. Truly, it is AWESOME. I love it! Apparently it is something mostly unique to Arkansas? Other places call it different things but the texture and flavor here is pretty different than what I have sampled in the Southwest or in California or Texas. It's delicious.
From there, we went to a brewery opening, the closing night in an old music venue, and a cool hipster bar in an old victorian. All stellar. Loved it all. Sarah also took me to her work at a juice bar, and I got walked through a series of free samples, which were delcious, and... interesting. (Some of them were a tad too healthy... aka they tasted like dirt.)
I had been doing really well and having a pretty great time until I got to the juice bar. When I took the above picture of my juice samples, I posted it on instagram. And instantly... I saw I had one less follower.
And I knew who it was. So I checked. Daniel had unfollowed me, right then. I stood in the shop with my mouth agape and Sarah saw me from across the shop and shouted "WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!" So I told her and she walked over muttering, "What the fuck?" and so I showed her and immediately the discussion turned to- you have to cut him off. Because this is happening. He's going to cut you off.
For all that Daniel and I agreed to when we broke up. For all of our mature discussion and agreements, my giant fear of abandonment was starting to happen. The reason I had laid it all out there when we broke up was because I wanted to know what to expect. If we are going to do no contact, then let's just agree to this right now. Then I know it's happening. If we are going to be friends, let's agree to whatever boundaries we need right now. Because I do NOT want any surprises, because THAT is going to hurt the most. But one by one he was breaking our agreements. He had stopped returning my messages, and now, although it might seem small to someone else, him unfollowing me to me said other things were coming. He was going to cut me off. Unless I did it first.
This really put a huge emotional knife through the whole trip because I could not think about anything else. I feel bad for that, but at the same time, it was where I was at. I needed emotional support. I had been there for Sarah when she was fucked up, so hopefully it was tolerable for her that I was a big flipping basket case. Ugh.
We stayed up late talking about it- for hours, and got super drunk and talked and talked and talked. And ultimately, it was deemed worse if he did it rather than I because he would be taking my power away. And I couldn't stop him from doing it. But like Sarah said, it's like he was doing these tiny little things in hopes that I wouldn't notice. The fade out. Who would notice a dropped follower? Except all of my followers were friends, so of course I did. And I had already been worried. I felt so insecure.
I didn't sleep all night and kept waking up and checking my phone to see if he had cut me off. He hadn't. Finally, early the next morning, I deleted him off all social media. I checked everything again- and he was re-added! So then I had to re-delete him again, which was excruciating. I cried and cried. If felt like I was breaking up with him, and cutting him off. Which is not something I wanted to do. It's not even something I believe in. Unless the relationship is truly toxic (and I have had a couple of those) I don't believe in cutting people off. Certainly not with someone I was in love with. But I didn't trust him. I didn't trust him not to leave first. So I cut it off. It felt like I had killed us. It was terrible. I don't understand how we got to this place.
I told Sarah when she got up and she affirmed it was the right thing to do. I had been obsessing and it was the only way to stop- and also to take back some control. Because all that was happening right now was he was leading and controlling everything.
The one thing I was very adamant about was informing him what I did. I did not want to disappear without an explanation. I didn't really believe in what I was doing, but if I was going to do it, I was going to tell him I did it, and why. Because he deserved that- as someone I loved. I needed to do that for me. Even if he did shitty things, I think people deserve goodbyes for their own process. Sarah, her therapist boyfriend, and I worked out what to write together and I mulled over it for a few hours.
Sarah and I went hiking up a little mountain that afternoon called Pinacle Peak.
When I got to the top of the mountain, I sat down in the cold and hit "send."
"Hey, just wanted to reach out to you a final time.. I was under the impression we were going to continue a friendship, but that doesn't seem like something you're interested in.
I want you to know I really appreciated the relationship we had; it meant a lot to me, and it truly sucks we can't be friends or hang out or interact. I genuinely felt like I grew in so many ways because of you, and I valued that so much. You impacted me in such a good way. I mean that.
That being said, I felt it necessary to remove you from social media. Not to close us off from a friendship or a future, but for my own protection and preservation. I know this deviates from what we discussed, which is why I wanted you to know, so it would not be an upset for you. It's purely to take care of myself. If you'd like to open a conversation about a friendship, please feel free to do so- I am here. But until then, I am leaving this alone as it seems like you do actually want to cut ties. I hope you're well, and that you know how much I care."
And I cried. And Sarah hugged me. And we sat in the cold on top of the peak for a bit before we made our way down as the sun set.
Opposites. Because I was at the highest peak for miles, but the lowest I could possibly feel.
After Daniel and I broke up, I was obviously melting and I bought tickets to go see her right away. She had just gotten her own apartment and we arranged for a long weekend for the soonest I could get tickets, which turned out to be right before Christmas.
Coming into "Bill & Hillary Clinton" airport was totally crazy. Our plane circled for hours because they couldn't get the flaps up on the wings to help slow the plane down! So they announced over the loud speaker to brace ourselves, buckle in tight and be sure all of our crap was really strapped in good because we were going to come in FAST- but... it's totally fine. The landing was for sure fast, and we definitely used the whole runway trying to slow down and stop. It was pretty bumpy, but not bad! What was bad was the hour or two (I can't remember anymore) of circling in rough air. I got off the plane, beelined for the bathroom, and puked. But I felt much better!
Sarah was waiting for me at the exit point and we did the amazing running into each other's arms and screaming thing. it was great. Then she took me straight out for booze and snacks. :)
Okay, so the dog is a little dumb. He's very lovable though,
From there, we went to a brewery opening, the closing night in an old music venue, and a cool hipster bar in an old victorian. All stellar. Loved it all. Sarah also took me to her work at a juice bar, and I got walked through a series of free samples, which were delcious, and... interesting. (Some of them were a tad too healthy... aka they tasted like dirt.)
I had been doing really well and having a pretty great time until I got to the juice bar. When I took the above picture of my juice samples, I posted it on instagram. And instantly... I saw I had one less follower.
And I knew who it was. So I checked. Daniel had unfollowed me, right then. I stood in the shop with my mouth agape and Sarah saw me from across the shop and shouted "WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!" So I told her and she walked over muttering, "What the fuck?" and so I showed her and immediately the discussion turned to- you have to cut him off. Because this is happening. He's going to cut you off.
For all that Daniel and I agreed to when we broke up. For all of our mature discussion and agreements, my giant fear of abandonment was starting to happen. The reason I had laid it all out there when we broke up was because I wanted to know what to expect. If we are going to do no contact, then let's just agree to this right now. Then I know it's happening. If we are going to be friends, let's agree to whatever boundaries we need right now. Because I do NOT want any surprises, because THAT is going to hurt the most. But one by one he was breaking our agreements. He had stopped returning my messages, and now, although it might seem small to someone else, him unfollowing me to me said other things were coming. He was going to cut me off. Unless I did it first.
This really put a huge emotional knife through the whole trip because I could not think about anything else. I feel bad for that, but at the same time, it was where I was at. I needed emotional support. I had been there for Sarah when she was fucked up, so hopefully it was tolerable for her that I was a big flipping basket case. Ugh.
We stayed up late talking about it- for hours, and got super drunk and talked and talked and talked. And ultimately, it was deemed worse if he did it rather than I because he would be taking my power away. And I couldn't stop him from doing it. But like Sarah said, it's like he was doing these tiny little things in hopes that I wouldn't notice. The fade out. Who would notice a dropped follower? Except all of my followers were friends, so of course I did. And I had already been worried. I felt so insecure.
I didn't sleep all night and kept waking up and checking my phone to see if he had cut me off. He hadn't. Finally, early the next morning, I deleted him off all social media. I checked everything again- and he was re-added! So then I had to re-delete him again, which was excruciating. I cried and cried. If felt like I was breaking up with him, and cutting him off. Which is not something I wanted to do. It's not even something I believe in. Unless the relationship is truly toxic (and I have had a couple of those) I don't believe in cutting people off. Certainly not with someone I was in love with. But I didn't trust him. I didn't trust him not to leave first. So I cut it off. It felt like I had killed us. It was terrible. I don't understand how we got to this place.
I told Sarah when she got up and she affirmed it was the right thing to do. I had been obsessing and it was the only way to stop- and also to take back some control. Because all that was happening right now was he was leading and controlling everything.
The one thing I was very adamant about was informing him what I did. I did not want to disappear without an explanation. I didn't really believe in what I was doing, but if I was going to do it, I was going to tell him I did it, and why. Because he deserved that- as someone I loved. I needed to do that for me. Even if he did shitty things, I think people deserve goodbyes for their own process. Sarah, her therapist boyfriend, and I worked out what to write together and I mulled over it for a few hours.
Sarah and I went hiking up a little mountain that afternoon called Pinacle Peak.
When I got to the top of the mountain, I sat down in the cold and hit "send."
"Hey, just wanted to reach out to you a final time.. I was under the impression we were going to continue a friendship, but that doesn't seem like something you're interested in.
I want you to know I really appreciated the relationship we had; it meant a lot to me, and it truly sucks we can't be friends or hang out or interact. I genuinely felt like I grew in so many ways because of you, and I valued that so much. You impacted me in such a good way. I mean that.
That being said, I felt it necessary to remove you from social media. Not to close us off from a friendship or a future, but for my own protection and preservation. I know this deviates from what we discussed, which is why I wanted you to know, so it would not be an upset for you. It's purely to take care of myself. If you'd like to open a conversation about a friendship, please feel free to do so- I am here. But until then, I am leaving this alone as it seems like you do actually want to cut ties. I hope you're well, and that you know how much I care."
And I cried. And Sarah hugged me. And we sat in the cold on top of the peak for a bit before we made our way down as the sun set.
Opposites. Because I was at the highest peak for miles, but the lowest I could possibly feel.
Tuesday, December 01, 2015
Without Hope
I have never felt so deprived of hope before. Like my soul is empty.
After Matt, I am beginning to realize, my grief was two fold. Mourning the person was one thing. It felt like he died. Mourning the lost dreams was another, but it was the trauma itself that caught me for so long. I muddied these things all together, but the grief for the actual person and relationship, had it been it's own separate thing would not have taken as long had it not been for the trauma. It was the trauma that was the problem. Of course for those of you that have read this blog for a long time may feel like that's a "duh," but for me, I'm just getting there.
The day I walked out of Daniel's house, it was like this little light inside me blew out. This little candle I had kept protected and sheltered had been abrupted gone dark, like someone slammed a door too quickly. The hope felt gone. I don't know that I've ever felt that way before. Maybe that is my brain protecting me from the feelings I felt during that awful time after Matt, but maybe not. My heart says not.
Before, I questioned the world, how can there be someone else out there for me, when this fictionalized person invented this perfect person for me? I worried and wondered if someone could exist.
I don't feel that way this time.
Before I always felt that there was something. Something greater out there.
And I don't this time.
It just feels like... The love is gone.
Both during and after Matt I had love quotes hung up all over my house. I got a necklace that said "All is Well," and another that said "Hope." I wore these necklaces so much the chains rotted and I had to replace both necklaces a couple of times. I really believed them though. I wore them as reminders as what I believed.
I have these two framed quotes in my bathroom, "If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all of my life." and "Your Mr Darcy is Out there."
I've had these forever.
I tried to wear my Hope necklace a couple of times the last week. If I had no hope, maybe I can wear it, and the belief will come. But when I woke up with it on my neck this morning it felt like a lie and I had to take it off. I don't believe that right now. It's not that I don't think there are plenty of people in the world that lots of people can "make it work" with. There are. But now having had something different... I just don't know what to do with all of my feelings.
I had to turn all of the love quotes in my house to face the walls last week. Many I hid under the bed or under couches. And I'm about to take the two ones I quoted above and remove them as well. I just do not believe in them right now. It's too painful to look at.
It's not that I don't believe he is out there. It's that I am afraid he was.
After Matt, I am beginning to realize, my grief was two fold. Mourning the person was one thing. It felt like he died. Mourning the lost dreams was another, but it was the trauma itself that caught me for so long. I muddied these things all together, but the grief for the actual person and relationship, had it been it's own separate thing would not have taken as long had it not been for the trauma. It was the trauma that was the problem. Of course for those of you that have read this blog for a long time may feel like that's a "duh," but for me, I'm just getting there.
The day I walked out of Daniel's house, it was like this little light inside me blew out. This little candle I had kept protected and sheltered had been abrupted gone dark, like someone slammed a door too quickly. The hope felt gone. I don't know that I've ever felt that way before. Maybe that is my brain protecting me from the feelings I felt during that awful time after Matt, but maybe not. My heart says not.
Before, I questioned the world, how can there be someone else out there for me, when this fictionalized person invented this perfect person for me? I worried and wondered if someone could exist.
I don't feel that way this time.
Before I always felt that there was something. Something greater out there.
And I don't this time.
It just feels like... The love is gone.
Both during and after Matt I had love quotes hung up all over my house. I got a necklace that said "All is Well," and another that said "Hope." I wore these necklaces so much the chains rotted and I had to replace both necklaces a couple of times. I really believed them though. I wore them as reminders as what I believed.
I have these two framed quotes in my bathroom, "If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all of my life." and "Your Mr Darcy is Out there."
I've had these forever.
I tried to wear my Hope necklace a couple of times the last week. If I had no hope, maybe I can wear it, and the belief will come. But when I woke up with it on my neck this morning it felt like a lie and I had to take it off. I don't believe that right now. It's not that I don't think there are plenty of people in the world that lots of people can "make it work" with. There are. But now having had something different... I just don't know what to do with all of my feelings.
I had to turn all of the love quotes in my house to face the walls last week. Many I hid under the bed or under couches. And I'm about to take the two ones I quoted above and remove them as well. I just do not believe in them right now. It's too painful to look at.
It's not that I don't believe he is out there. It's that I am afraid he was.
Saturday, November 21, 2015
When I told him I loved him and then we broke up.
On Thursday, my friend Joanna and I had stayed up half the night while she worked on artwork as a gift/commission for Daniel and I. She has this tendency to draw and be inspired by all my dates and I had been pestering her to draw us and I finally bribed her to draw us. She used an actual photo of Daniel in his custom riding jacket, and actual photos of his custom bike- a Triumph Scrambler to do it. It is us. Our clothes, our faces, and our hearts.
It had been such an awful week that I really needed a pick me up, and she finally got it done on early Friday morning. I had an easy print done at FedEx on 60# paper and carried it with me up the sidewalk on G Street to his sweet little apartment and I worried what I would find there.
I loved it, but I carried it with a heavy heart.
Daniel's security building door has been broken the last couple of weeks, so although I have the door code, I couldn't knock on his door since it hasn't been working. As I walked up, I remember I saw the slat for the blinds swinging, as if it had just been adjusted, and they were wide open so I knew he had to be home. I knocked on the window and peered in. All was quiet for a moment, and then he hesitatingly peered around the corner and saw me looking back at him. Slowly and sort of softly he disappeared around the corner and I walked to the front door.
It took what felt like a long time for him to get to the front door and I began to worry he wasn't actually coming to the door to let me in. Could he actually do that? But before I really had time to worry about this, he finally opened his front door, and then opened the main building door. And stood there.
"Are you okay?" I asked.
And the thing I was afraid he would say was the answer... "I don't know."
I asked if I could come in, and my memory of this right now is that at first he said, I don't know, but that may not be right. Because we did go in, just not immediately. We stood at the building door for a little bit, looking confused and upset. But then we walked inside to his apartment hallway, and stood there in the dark.
I told him, if he ever needed alone time, or space, or if something was wrong, he could ALWAYS ask me for it and I would ALWAYS give it to him. And he said he knew that. And then he said... He was just in this weird place. And I asked him what that meant... And he said he didn't really know. But, it had something to do with his ex.
And my soul stung. And tears began to hit my cheeks.
We walked into the apartment all the way now, because now that he admitted what it was, we knew we were having a problem. A problem that couldn't just be talked about in the hallway.
I guess once he said it, it made it real. As long as he held me guard outside the apartment, it's almost as if he could keep it from happening, but once I wrestled and pushed my way in, he had to tell me. And then he couldn't stop this conversation from happening. This conversation that would let me in on the confusion that had been tormenting him.
I sat down on the arm of the couch and he sat down next to me. Like it would be a short conversation. Or as if I was no longer welcome in this apartment that he had shared with her. As soon as he mentioned her, it was as if I had been alienated or banished from the home. This little apartment I had loved and kissed him in. Watched movies and listened to records on vinyl. Lovingly watched him play guitar. We hadn't even said anything, but everything about my body language screamed the rejection I had already accepted. Thinking on it now, I had one too many break up conversations with my college boyfriend. And that was a disservice to me. My little heart is not as spirited as it should be when it goes into battle.
We sat together, and we both cried. He told me he had been emailing his best friend the last couple of weeks saying he missed her. He didn't really get why... But he understood now it was incredibly arrogant of him to think he could go from one relationship to the next without processing the loss. I told him he was grieving and he said that was the best word and I talked about the bereavement certification I had gone through. We talked a lot in that class about how divorces, separations and break ups mimic the feelings of a death. Especially if there is no contact afterwards. Uncoupling is difficult, and can be even more difficult if there is an element of rejection. When a spouse is lost to death, you often have the reassurance that they loved you. In a separation, there is no reassurance of this, and it shakes the person in a different way. Relationship books on loss go into this in depth. I've read about them for both death, and separation, and did the certification. It's always discussed. Always.
We talked about him being depressed, and his confusion over his feelings- mostly his feelings of loss, and he described as a big black cloud that had snuck up on him and just consumed him. And then he didn't know how to talk to me about it. He had wanted to, and he had been trying to figure it out, and that's why he hadn't responded yet. He wanted to work it out in his head first before he came to me. I told him how much he worried me, and that I had been frantic, and driven past his house to check on him, and all of the terrible scenarios that had gone through his head. And he seemed to know that that was where I was at. But he just ... couldn't be present. He was so checked out and so far gone he just couldn't come back to me to check back in. He was so messed up. He apologized for worrying me. It wasn't his intention. He just had to be gone. I asked if the concert was fun and he said... Not really. Apparently they ran into friends of his exes. They were in that neighborhood and I think it was just more rawness for him. I don't know if he socialized with them or they were friendly, I didn't ask. I just saw the pain on his face and it was enough. He had already run into the ex herself at a concert he had invited me to in October and I am sure that was not good for anything. He called that show cathartic, but part of me wonders. I also wish I had been there. Maybe it would have changed something for him to merge his past and present. I don't know.
At this point I said, I don't know if this is a stupid question, but "Are you saying you want this to be done?" And he said he didn't know. That was more towards the beginning of the conversation, and again a reason why he wasn't ready to have this conversation with me. He didn't know. He has feelings for me. He cares about me. He didn't think he wanted me to go anywhere.
But the further we got along in talking he said at some point... He can't do this. It's not that he doesn't want to. It's that he can't. He can't take care of, or accept himself. He feels like a failure, with his personal life and a litany of other things. I stopped him, and I told him, you understand, I accept you for all of those things right? I accept you for the entire package you come in. And he said... But I don't.
He said he can't even begin to start to take care of another person and my feelings and needs.And it's going to be a long time before he gets into that place. Probably at least until after the bar. At this point, I began to sob. Giant, heaving, uncontrollable sobs. I just lost it.
It was so raw and painful I could not hold it in, and he could not hold me tight enough to make it stop. He had to get up and walk away from me, which, I think is a first in any break up conversation I've had with a man. The pain was too intolerable to him. At least that's how I took it. He went and got me a glass of water and stood behind me and rubbed my back but he didn't sit beside me again. I think he just couldn't bear it.
All I could think was, 7 months without this kind, wonderful, loving man... How can I do this? It felt final. How much could happen in that time and I didn't want anything to change. Oh, how I loathe change.
He came around and stood in front of me and told me that he had dinner plans with his sister. I was angry. He had and I had a date that day. How could he have made plans with her? (And now reflecting back, that also means he had reached out to her, and he hadn't reached out to me during that quiet time when I was so worried. Although, she must have been the only one, because he told me that he had at least 17 text messages from people asking if he was okay, and they were worried about him on Saturday morning when he turned his phone back on- it had been off.) I told him we were not going to rush this conversation and that could he please text her and push back dinner plans by at least 30 minutes so we could have more time. He didn't argue, he just did it.
At some point he sat on the couch, while I stayed on the arm rest, and I negotiated us cuddling in bed. At first he said yes, we could cuddle on the couch? And I said no. I wanted to cuddle on the bed. His bed had been the center of his home for most of our dating life. He hadn't even had a couch until the last couple of weeks and we had used his bed as a make shift couch in his living room. It had been our dining room table, our music center, where we watched movies, did homework, worked on the computer, and made out. It's also not the bed he had with his ex. It was our spot. Like a big comfy cocoon that we had nestled down into. Logistically, his couch was also just tiny and there was no real way for him to just hold me either, which is what I needed. I needed to be able to hug him, and to be hugged by him. As I told him, "I'm not going to try and initiate something if that's what you are worried about." And so, with some reluctance, he climbed into the bed with me, which had been recently moved into the master bedroom.
It is interesting to me now, that his dark cloud appeared about the same time he moved his bed. His ex's bed used to be in the master, and his was in the guest bedroom. When she left, he moved his into the living room, which is how I knew his home. At first I had refused to come over- a bed in the living room? Get a couch! But eventually I succumbed and I really preferred the bed to the couch. There was more room to spread out. It was more comfortable, and I could fall asleep while he did home work and we watched the news. It was bliss. But now I wonder. When he moved the furniture... it meant things had moved on, and also he was sleeping in that room he had shared with her. I just wonder how much that bothered him. Whether he realized it or not.
He laid on his back, and at first I tried to make him spoon me, but he stayed squarely on his back, so choking back tears again, I turned over and laid my head on his chest and he wrapped his arm around me. We talked for awhile. He cried. I cried. I would make a joke and we would laugh a little. Then I told him I had something shitty to tell him and he wouldn't like it. He said he deserved it and to go ahead. I said he already knew what I was going to say... And then he sighed a little and said Oh. Because then he knew. And I paused for a long time, because I began to become overcome with emotion. But I wanted to say it. And I told him, I know you wanted to say it first, but I don't want us to leave each other and for me to not say how I felt. I don't want to regret not sharing that with you. I don't want to hold anything back. And I paused for a long time, and cried into his belly. And then I told him I loved him.
I said it a few times. And he wiped back tears, and we held each other.
And he said how much he wished he could say it back. That he wanted to love me, but he just wasn't there. He jumped with me. He jumped when I jumped. He leaped when I did off that cliff. ... And halfway down his foot got caught on a rock, and no matter what he did he just remained stuck in this spot and he could not go further than he was right now. He was trapped. And he didn't want to be there, but there he was.
Around quarter to 5 he noted the time and we got up and put our shoes on and I collected my things and put my water glass away and used the restroom. I remember looking in the mirror and wiping away the smears of my mascara thinking- this is the last time I will ever be in this bathroom, in this apartment. I love this apartment. I love this man. I don't want to be apart from him. I tried to look at everything really hard so I could remember it.
We hugged and kissed each other in the hallway, and again at the door, and then again on the sidewalk. As he hugged me one last time I told him I loved him again. He offered to walk me to my car, and said he was worried about me, but I told him, he was under no obligation to do anything at this point. So he walked across the street to his little station wagon, and I walked back up the sidewalk alone, my shoulders heaving choky sobs. I felt like the moment we parted he took a part of my soul with him. I suppose that is true with every person we love, but this separation hurt me on a level I won't ever be able to articulate.
It had been such an awful week that I really needed a pick me up, and she finally got it done on early Friday morning. I had an easy print done at FedEx on 60# paper and carried it with me up the sidewalk on G Street to his sweet little apartment and I worried what I would find there.
Daniel's security building door has been broken the last couple of weeks, so although I have the door code, I couldn't knock on his door since it hasn't been working. As I walked up, I remember I saw the slat for the blinds swinging, as if it had just been adjusted, and they were wide open so I knew he had to be home. I knocked on the window and peered in. All was quiet for a moment, and then he hesitatingly peered around the corner and saw me looking back at him. Slowly and sort of softly he disappeared around the corner and I walked to the front door.
It took what felt like a long time for him to get to the front door and I began to worry he wasn't actually coming to the door to let me in. Could he actually do that? But before I really had time to worry about this, he finally opened his front door, and then opened the main building door. And stood there.
"Are you okay?" I asked.
And the thing I was afraid he would say was the answer... "I don't know."
I asked if I could come in, and my memory of this right now is that at first he said, I don't know, but that may not be right. Because we did go in, just not immediately. We stood at the building door for a little bit, looking confused and upset. But then we walked inside to his apartment hallway, and stood there in the dark.
I told him, if he ever needed alone time, or space, or if something was wrong, he could ALWAYS ask me for it and I would ALWAYS give it to him. And he said he knew that. And then he said... He was just in this weird place. And I asked him what that meant... And he said he didn't really know. But, it had something to do with his ex.
And my soul stung. And tears began to hit my cheeks.
We walked into the apartment all the way now, because now that he admitted what it was, we knew we were having a problem. A problem that couldn't just be talked about in the hallway.
I guess once he said it, it made it real. As long as he held me guard outside the apartment, it's almost as if he could keep it from happening, but once I wrestled and pushed my way in, he had to tell me. And then he couldn't stop this conversation from happening. This conversation that would let me in on the confusion that had been tormenting him.
I sat down on the arm of the couch and he sat down next to me. Like it would be a short conversation. Or as if I was no longer welcome in this apartment that he had shared with her. As soon as he mentioned her, it was as if I had been alienated or banished from the home. This little apartment I had loved and kissed him in. Watched movies and listened to records on vinyl. Lovingly watched him play guitar. We hadn't even said anything, but everything about my body language screamed the rejection I had already accepted. Thinking on it now, I had one too many break up conversations with my college boyfriend. And that was a disservice to me. My little heart is not as spirited as it should be when it goes into battle.
We sat together, and we both cried. He told me he had been emailing his best friend the last couple of weeks saying he missed her. He didn't really get why... But he understood now it was incredibly arrogant of him to think he could go from one relationship to the next without processing the loss. I told him he was grieving and he said that was the best word and I talked about the bereavement certification I had gone through. We talked a lot in that class about how divorces, separations and break ups mimic the feelings of a death. Especially if there is no contact afterwards. Uncoupling is difficult, and can be even more difficult if there is an element of rejection. When a spouse is lost to death, you often have the reassurance that they loved you. In a separation, there is no reassurance of this, and it shakes the person in a different way. Relationship books on loss go into this in depth. I've read about them for both death, and separation, and did the certification. It's always discussed. Always.
We talked about him being depressed, and his confusion over his feelings- mostly his feelings of loss, and he described as a big black cloud that had snuck up on him and just consumed him. And then he didn't know how to talk to me about it. He had wanted to, and he had been trying to figure it out, and that's why he hadn't responded yet. He wanted to work it out in his head first before he came to me. I told him how much he worried me, and that I had been frantic, and driven past his house to check on him, and all of the terrible scenarios that had gone through his head. And he seemed to know that that was where I was at. But he just ... couldn't be present. He was so checked out and so far gone he just couldn't come back to me to check back in. He was so messed up. He apologized for worrying me. It wasn't his intention. He just had to be gone. I asked if the concert was fun and he said... Not really. Apparently they ran into friends of his exes. They were in that neighborhood and I think it was just more rawness for him. I don't know if he socialized with them or they were friendly, I didn't ask. I just saw the pain on his face and it was enough. He had already run into the ex herself at a concert he had invited me to in October and I am sure that was not good for anything. He called that show cathartic, but part of me wonders. I also wish I had been there. Maybe it would have changed something for him to merge his past and present. I don't know.
At this point I said, I don't know if this is a stupid question, but "Are you saying you want this to be done?" And he said he didn't know. That was more towards the beginning of the conversation, and again a reason why he wasn't ready to have this conversation with me. He didn't know. He has feelings for me. He cares about me. He didn't think he wanted me to go anywhere.
But the further we got along in talking he said at some point... He can't do this. It's not that he doesn't want to. It's that he can't. He can't take care of, or accept himself. He feels like a failure, with his personal life and a litany of other things. I stopped him, and I told him, you understand, I accept you for all of those things right? I accept you for the entire package you come in. And he said... But I don't.
He said he can't even begin to start to take care of another person and my feelings and needs.And it's going to be a long time before he gets into that place. Probably at least until after the bar. At this point, I began to sob. Giant, heaving, uncontrollable sobs. I just lost it.
It was so raw and painful I could not hold it in, and he could not hold me tight enough to make it stop. He had to get up and walk away from me, which, I think is a first in any break up conversation I've had with a man. The pain was too intolerable to him. At least that's how I took it. He went and got me a glass of water and stood behind me and rubbed my back but he didn't sit beside me again. I think he just couldn't bear it.
All I could think was, 7 months without this kind, wonderful, loving man... How can I do this? It felt final. How much could happen in that time and I didn't want anything to change. Oh, how I loathe change.
He came around and stood in front of me and told me that he had dinner plans with his sister. I was angry. He had and I had a date that day. How could he have made plans with her? (And now reflecting back, that also means he had reached out to her, and he hadn't reached out to me during that quiet time when I was so worried. Although, she must have been the only one, because he told me that he had at least 17 text messages from people asking if he was okay, and they were worried about him on Saturday morning when he turned his phone back on- it had been off.) I told him we were not going to rush this conversation and that could he please text her and push back dinner plans by at least 30 minutes so we could have more time. He didn't argue, he just did it.
At some point he sat on the couch, while I stayed on the arm rest, and I negotiated us cuddling in bed. At first he said yes, we could cuddle on the couch? And I said no. I wanted to cuddle on the bed. His bed had been the center of his home for most of our dating life. He hadn't even had a couch until the last couple of weeks and we had used his bed as a make shift couch in his living room. It had been our dining room table, our music center, where we watched movies, did homework, worked on the computer, and made out. It's also not the bed he had with his ex. It was our spot. Like a big comfy cocoon that we had nestled down into. Logistically, his couch was also just tiny and there was no real way for him to just hold me either, which is what I needed. I needed to be able to hug him, and to be hugged by him. As I told him, "I'm not going to try and initiate something if that's what you are worried about." And so, with some reluctance, he climbed into the bed with me, which had been recently moved into the master bedroom.
It is interesting to me now, that his dark cloud appeared about the same time he moved his bed. His ex's bed used to be in the master, and his was in the guest bedroom. When she left, he moved his into the living room, which is how I knew his home. At first I had refused to come over- a bed in the living room? Get a couch! But eventually I succumbed and I really preferred the bed to the couch. There was more room to spread out. It was more comfortable, and I could fall asleep while he did home work and we watched the news. It was bliss. But now I wonder. When he moved the furniture... it meant things had moved on, and also he was sleeping in that room he had shared with her. I just wonder how much that bothered him. Whether he realized it or not.
He laid on his back, and at first I tried to make him spoon me, but he stayed squarely on his back, so choking back tears again, I turned over and laid my head on his chest and he wrapped his arm around me. We talked for awhile. He cried. I cried. I would make a joke and we would laugh a little. Then I told him I had something shitty to tell him and he wouldn't like it. He said he deserved it and to go ahead. I said he already knew what I was going to say... And then he sighed a little and said Oh. Because then he knew. And I paused for a long time, because I began to become overcome with emotion. But I wanted to say it. And I told him, I know you wanted to say it first, but I don't want us to leave each other and for me to not say how I felt. I don't want to regret not sharing that with you. I don't want to hold anything back. And I paused for a long time, and cried into his belly. And then I told him I loved him.
I said it a few times. And he wiped back tears, and we held each other.
And he said how much he wished he could say it back. That he wanted to love me, but he just wasn't there. He jumped with me. He jumped when I jumped. He leaped when I did off that cliff. ... And halfway down his foot got caught on a rock, and no matter what he did he just remained stuck in this spot and he could not go further than he was right now. He was trapped. And he didn't want to be there, but there he was.
Around quarter to 5 he noted the time and we got up and put our shoes on and I collected my things and put my water glass away and used the restroom. I remember looking in the mirror and wiping away the smears of my mascara thinking- this is the last time I will ever be in this bathroom, in this apartment. I love this apartment. I love this man. I don't want to be apart from him. I tried to look at everything really hard so I could remember it.
We hugged and kissed each other in the hallway, and again at the door, and then again on the sidewalk. As he hugged me one last time I told him I loved him again. He offered to walk me to my car, and said he was worried about me, but I told him, he was under no obligation to do anything at this point. So he walked across the street to his little station wagon, and I walked back up the sidewalk alone, my shoulders heaving choky sobs. I felt like the moment we parted he took a part of my soul with him. I suppose that is true with every person we love, but this separation hurt me on a level I won't ever be able to articulate.
Friday, November 20, 2015
When Daniel Disappeared
Tuesday morning, the 17th was the deposition at UCDavis where I got to try my hand at acting. Like I said before, all went great and I had fun. Daniel was affectionate and lovely. When he dropped me off at my house that day, he said he didn't exactly know what would happen at work that night and we might need to play our date that night by ear. He said he would give me updates, and I smiled, kissed him a few times with enthusiasm and said I would see him later. We hugged, and I got out of the car and he drove on to work.
And then things got weird.
I didn't really hear from him the rest of the day, which, since we had spent the morning together, I wasn't expecting a slew of texts, but I sort of expected more updates. I wasn't worried though. Later in the day he texted and said it looked like it would be a 6 hour work day instead of a 4 hour work day. So I gave him a sad face, :( and extended my sympathies, since it was a long day for him. After an hour or two, I sent a hesitant text... It was after 7:30 or 8:00pm at this point, and I had been waiting to eat dinner with him... Was that last text supposed to be a cancelation on our date? After a bit of a delay, he answered and said that, unfortunately, he had another 30 minutes to go on the memo he was working on (he was apparently still at work) and after that was going to have a meeting with his boss on the memo. So, it looked like it wasn't going to happen and he apologized.
I was disappointed not to see him, but it was okay. It was late-ish, and he has very early mornings so I understand. I just wished he had told me earlier that things were running late. And I texted him this- and sent a kissy face too so he knew I wasn't mad. Just try to let me know earlier next time, okay?
But he never answered that night. He never let me know when he left the office and never said goodnight, which is odd for him. We always say goodnight. It felt odd going to sleep without hearing from him. I figured I'd get a text in the morning.
Wednesday I got up and there was no word from Daniel. He always texts me good morning. Again, it was weird to not hear from him. I don't usually have to initiate. I went to my kickboxing class at 9:30 and tried to push it out of my head. He is a grown man, and has freedom of movement after all. He probably went to bed late, and he would have been up at 5:00am for his crossfit class. He was probably just tired. I sent him off a text before class, "Are you alive?? Where'd you go last night?" And let him know I was up in the area around the bike shop we had visited over the weekend and could pick up the repair part he needed if he wanted me to.
About half way through class I was struck with the strongest impression something was desperately wrong. Something was wrong with him. He was hurt or in pain, or something terrible was happening. My heart raced and I struggled to stay in the class. I had to shake off tears the feeling was so strong that something was wrong.
I made it through class and got in my car afterwards and checked my phone- he had just texted me when class ended at 10:35- he said, "I died." That's all he wrote.
I wrote him about my little panic attack and asked him if he was okay.
Two hours later he answered and said he was fine, don't panic, he was just exhausted. I texted him a few other thoughts, and a funny article. He sent a one word answer to the article hours after the fact, and that was it.
That Sunday we had prearranged our dates for the week: Tuesday, Wednesday and Saturday. So I was expecting another date on Wednesday, or to at least see him, especially since he had cancelled the day before, and I definitely wouldn't be able to drop by or say hi the next two days since he had events going on. (A work thing Thursday and a concert in San Francisco Friday.)
At 6:30pm I checked in about our date, because I hadn't heard from him. At 8:30, I checked in again because he hadn't answered.
At 10:15, he finally responded, apologized, said work had been crazy and wrote a long apologetic text saying work and school was exhausting and he was going to bed and he would hopefully be more talkative tomorrow and hoped I had had a good day.
At this point I was worried. Daniel and I text all day long. We see each other just about every day. In November ("No fun November" as he called it,) it had been less so, but it was very common for me to drop by his house for a hug or to watch a quick sitcom and cuddle on the days we weren't supposed to see each other because we MISSED each other. To not hear from him for hours was... in a word... bizarre. Huge red flags were flying up for me and I was worried. I couldn't sleep and I was starting to reach out to friends because I was getting stressed about his behavior. Something felt off. I could feel something was wrong. Daniel and I are so involved in each other emotionally I could smell there was more to this. I threw a lot of ideas around but my suspicions were he was having some kind of a depression problem.
I sent him a few more texts that night in response to his long one- that I was glad to hear from him and that I had been worried, I sent him a hug, a heart and hoped he slept well. I was relieved, but still rattled.
Thursday morning, I still didn't get a text from him. No good morning, and my heart sunk. I waited.... and around 11:30 I sent him my own "Good Morning, How are you?" message.
He said, "Running around like a dying chicken. You?"
Again I got short messages from him. He's busy. Running around. Class. Work. Depo Work.
I told him it seemed like he was flailing.
He said no... Just running.
I asked him about standing me up. I told him I was scared. I asked him if I did something.
HOURS pass without an answer.
These were the last text messages I got from him:
:( I'm sorry. You didn't do anything. Life just got ridiculously busy.
I didn't know what to say, so I just wrote, " :( "
At 6:45 he wrote back, "Don't be frowny. Done at work and heading to Larry's reception."
And I never heard from him again.
I texted him some silly things that night (I thought I left my oven on for hours and left the house with an acorn squash in it, but luckily I was so worried at this point I only pre-heated the oven and didn't set the temp!) and the next morning, and he never answered. My friend did this beautiful piece of artwork for us that she worked on all night Thursday night and into Friday and kept me up late texting as she worked on it. A friend woke me up early the next morning and I grumpily texted Daniel at 5am when he should have been headed to crossfit to complain about being woken up. When the artwork was ready I texted "YAY!" and told him his surprise was ready.
It might sound weird to somebody else that I sent that handful of messages without a response, but we were in a relationship and at that point I didn't have any self consciousness about the "number" of messages I was sending. (And I shouldn't have anyway.) We had an agreement that if he needed space he would ask for it, and he hadn't. He literally told me all was fine, he was just busy. He was definitely behaving out of character, but he had reassured me so the only thing I could do was trust his word.
Around noon on Friday I still hadn't heard from him, so I wrote, "Hello?"
He never opened the message or responded.
He was supposed to go to that concert in the Bay that night and at that point I was starting to worry about what could be going on and my imagination was definitely running away with me. So I gave him a call around 5pm and casually left a voicemail and said I hoped he had a great time at the concert, but could he drop me a text or call before or after since I hadn't heard from him since the day before. Then I just let it lie.
I went to dinner with a friend that night but she was insistent we go to this particular restaurant that Daniel and I used to go to every week- the one where I realized I loved him- and the wait was long, and the restaurant was full of couples. All I could think about was Daniel. I absentmindedly ordered his favorite meal and favorite wine and tried not to cry at the table. On the way home I swung by his house to see if he was there, but was absolutely relieved to see he wasn't. Hopefully, he was at the concert.
Like I've said before, music is super important to him. It's meditative, it's a release, and it helps him cope with emotions when things are hard. I wanted him to go and get that release and break if he was having a hard time. So I was glad he wasn't home, even though he was worried.
I went home that night but was restless. Later on, I saw he posted on instagram and Facebook from the concert. He had gone! Excellent! But... He hadn't contacted me. And I hadn't the faintest idea why. I was so confused. I couldn't stop saying that. I AM SO CONFUSED. What on earth was going on with him?
I finally fell asleep but when I woke up the next morning, I was greeted by more social media posts by Daniel. He had been out late, and posted all about it. I was so baffled. I went to my kickboxing class upset and rattled. I was GLAD he went, let me make that clear, but his behavior confused me. He had literally told me nothing was wrong between us, so why was he acting like there was a problem? What was going on with him?
My gut said... This was him pulling away because of his ex or something. He was having some kind of internal struggle and he was overthinking something and he was internalizing stuff. This is not what I wanted. I'd rather he just be an asshole who flaked on me. Because I could get mad at that. But a guy who was going through an actual struggle- I couldn't be angry at that because I understood. I had been there. The guy had been through a lot. It was understandable. I wasn't exactly sure why it would be happening now, but something had happened, I felt sure. Something was wrong. I said this over and over to friends. Something's wrong. This isn't him.
After class I texted him, and said, "Looks like you had fun at the concert? I'm not sure what's going on with you but I deserve an explanation."
Then I went home, showered, did my hair, makeup, got dressed and waited. I figured it he stayed in the city or at a friend's house he'd be home by mid-afternoon. I'd swing by his place then and try and find him. We were supposed to have a date Saturday. He should be home and free.
Around 2:30 I headed over to his house, and began to sob in the car. This horrible feeling of dread just overcame me. I needed him, I loved him, I was worried sick about him and I had no freaking clue was on earth was going on with him. I was worried for his safety on some levels. I just needed to know he was okay. I called a friend on the way over and cried into the phone. She thought I was massively overreacting and said if he wasn't returning my messages to just leave him alone. To me this felt wrong. That's not our relationship. If you talk and see someone every single day and they just disappear you don't not check on them. You check on them. You have to.
So when I pulled up to his street and saw his car there, my heart stopped, because I knew something was going to happen. I would see him or talk to him in just a minute and I was overwhelmed with nerves. What on earth had happened since Tuesday when he kissed me so adoringly in the car? What could have changed his behavior overnight? I felt so lost. I hung up the phone and walked the couple blocks from where I parked back to his house. At this point, I could only hope that he was 1.) actually home and 2.) actually open the door.
And then things got weird.
I didn't really hear from him the rest of the day, which, since we had spent the morning together, I wasn't expecting a slew of texts, but I sort of expected more updates. I wasn't worried though. Later in the day he texted and said it looked like it would be a 6 hour work day instead of a 4 hour work day. So I gave him a sad face, :( and extended my sympathies, since it was a long day for him. After an hour or two, I sent a hesitant text... It was after 7:30 or 8:00pm at this point, and I had been waiting to eat dinner with him... Was that last text supposed to be a cancelation on our date? After a bit of a delay, he answered and said that, unfortunately, he had another 30 minutes to go on the memo he was working on (he was apparently still at work) and after that was going to have a meeting with his boss on the memo. So, it looked like it wasn't going to happen and he apologized.
I was disappointed not to see him, but it was okay. It was late-ish, and he has very early mornings so I understand. I just wished he had told me earlier that things were running late. And I texted him this- and sent a kissy face too so he knew I wasn't mad. Just try to let me know earlier next time, okay?
But he never answered that night. He never let me know when he left the office and never said goodnight, which is odd for him. We always say goodnight. It felt odd going to sleep without hearing from him. I figured I'd get a text in the morning.
Wednesday I got up and there was no word from Daniel. He always texts me good morning. Again, it was weird to not hear from him. I don't usually have to initiate. I went to my kickboxing class at 9:30 and tried to push it out of my head. He is a grown man, and has freedom of movement after all. He probably went to bed late, and he would have been up at 5:00am for his crossfit class. He was probably just tired. I sent him off a text before class, "Are you alive?? Where'd you go last night?" And let him know I was up in the area around the bike shop we had visited over the weekend and could pick up the repair part he needed if he wanted me to.
About half way through class I was struck with the strongest impression something was desperately wrong. Something was wrong with him. He was hurt or in pain, or something terrible was happening. My heart raced and I struggled to stay in the class. I had to shake off tears the feeling was so strong that something was wrong.
I made it through class and got in my car afterwards and checked my phone- he had just texted me when class ended at 10:35- he said, "I died." That's all he wrote.
I wrote him about my little panic attack and asked him if he was okay.
Two hours later he answered and said he was fine, don't panic, he was just exhausted. I texted him a few other thoughts, and a funny article. He sent a one word answer to the article hours after the fact, and that was it.
That Sunday we had prearranged our dates for the week: Tuesday, Wednesday and Saturday. So I was expecting another date on Wednesday, or to at least see him, especially since he had cancelled the day before, and I definitely wouldn't be able to drop by or say hi the next two days since he had events going on. (A work thing Thursday and a concert in San Francisco Friday.)
At 6:30pm I checked in about our date, because I hadn't heard from him. At 8:30, I checked in again because he hadn't answered.
At 10:15, he finally responded, apologized, said work had been crazy and wrote a long apologetic text saying work and school was exhausting and he was going to bed and he would hopefully be more talkative tomorrow and hoped I had had a good day.
At this point I was worried. Daniel and I text all day long. We see each other just about every day. In November ("No fun November" as he called it,) it had been less so, but it was very common for me to drop by his house for a hug or to watch a quick sitcom and cuddle on the days we weren't supposed to see each other because we MISSED each other. To not hear from him for hours was... in a word... bizarre. Huge red flags were flying up for me and I was worried. I couldn't sleep and I was starting to reach out to friends because I was getting stressed about his behavior. Something felt off. I could feel something was wrong. Daniel and I are so involved in each other emotionally I could smell there was more to this. I threw a lot of ideas around but my suspicions were he was having some kind of a depression problem.
I sent him a few more texts that night in response to his long one- that I was glad to hear from him and that I had been worried, I sent him a hug, a heart and hoped he slept well. I was relieved, but still rattled.
Thursday morning, I still didn't get a text from him. No good morning, and my heart sunk. I waited.... and around 11:30 I sent him my own "Good Morning, How are you?" message.
He said, "Running around like a dying chicken. You?"
Again I got short messages from him. He's busy. Running around. Class. Work. Depo Work.
I told him it seemed like he was flailing.
He said no... Just running.
I asked him about standing me up. I told him I was scared. I asked him if I did something.
HOURS pass without an answer.
These were the last text messages I got from him:
:( I'm sorry. You didn't do anything. Life just got ridiculously busy.
I didn't know what to say, so I just wrote, " :( "
At 6:45 he wrote back, "Don't be frowny. Done at work and heading to Larry's reception."
And I never heard from him again.
I texted him some silly things that night (I thought I left my oven on for hours and left the house with an acorn squash in it, but luckily I was so worried at this point I only pre-heated the oven and didn't set the temp!) and the next morning, and he never answered. My friend did this beautiful piece of artwork for us that she worked on all night Thursday night and into Friday and kept me up late texting as she worked on it. A friend woke me up early the next morning and I grumpily texted Daniel at 5am when he should have been headed to crossfit to complain about being woken up. When the artwork was ready I texted "YAY!" and told him his surprise was ready.
It might sound weird to somebody else that I sent that handful of messages without a response, but we were in a relationship and at that point I didn't have any self consciousness about the "number" of messages I was sending. (And I shouldn't have anyway.) We had an agreement that if he needed space he would ask for it, and he hadn't. He literally told me all was fine, he was just busy. He was definitely behaving out of character, but he had reassured me so the only thing I could do was trust his word.
Around noon on Friday I still hadn't heard from him, so I wrote, "Hello?"
He never opened the message or responded.
He was supposed to go to that concert in the Bay that night and at that point I was starting to worry about what could be going on and my imagination was definitely running away with me. So I gave him a call around 5pm and casually left a voicemail and said I hoped he had a great time at the concert, but could he drop me a text or call before or after since I hadn't heard from him since the day before. Then I just let it lie.
I went to dinner with a friend that night but she was insistent we go to this particular restaurant that Daniel and I used to go to every week- the one where I realized I loved him- and the wait was long, and the restaurant was full of couples. All I could think about was Daniel. I absentmindedly ordered his favorite meal and favorite wine and tried not to cry at the table. On the way home I swung by his house to see if he was there, but was absolutely relieved to see he wasn't. Hopefully, he was at the concert.
Like I've said before, music is super important to him. It's meditative, it's a release, and it helps him cope with emotions when things are hard. I wanted him to go and get that release and break if he was having a hard time. So I was glad he wasn't home, even though he was worried.
I went home that night but was restless. Later on, I saw he posted on instagram and Facebook from the concert. He had gone! Excellent! But... He hadn't contacted me. And I hadn't the faintest idea why. I was so confused. I couldn't stop saying that. I AM SO CONFUSED. What on earth was going on with him?
I finally fell asleep but when I woke up the next morning, I was greeted by more social media posts by Daniel. He had been out late, and posted all about it. I was so baffled. I went to my kickboxing class upset and rattled. I was GLAD he went, let me make that clear, but his behavior confused me. He had literally told me nothing was wrong between us, so why was he acting like there was a problem? What was going on with him?
My gut said... This was him pulling away because of his ex or something. He was having some kind of internal struggle and he was overthinking something and he was internalizing stuff. This is not what I wanted. I'd rather he just be an asshole who flaked on me. Because I could get mad at that. But a guy who was going through an actual struggle- I couldn't be angry at that because I understood. I had been there. The guy had been through a lot. It was understandable. I wasn't exactly sure why it would be happening now, but something had happened, I felt sure. Something was wrong. I said this over and over to friends. Something's wrong. This isn't him.
After class I texted him, and said, "Looks like you had fun at the concert? I'm not sure what's going on with you but I deserve an explanation."
Then I went home, showered, did my hair, makeup, got dressed and waited. I figured it he stayed in the city or at a friend's house he'd be home by mid-afternoon. I'd swing by his place then and try and find him. We were supposed to have a date Saturday. He should be home and free.
Around 2:30 I headed over to his house, and began to sob in the car. This horrible feeling of dread just overcame me. I needed him, I loved him, I was worried sick about him and I had no freaking clue was on earth was going on with him. I was worried for his safety on some levels. I just needed to know he was okay. I called a friend on the way over and cried into the phone. She thought I was massively overreacting and said if he wasn't returning my messages to just leave him alone. To me this felt wrong. That's not our relationship. If you talk and see someone every single day and they just disappear you don't not check on them. You check on them. You have to.
So when I pulled up to his street and saw his car there, my heart stopped, because I knew something was going to happen. I would see him or talk to him in just a minute and I was overwhelmed with nerves. What on earth had happened since Tuesday when he kissed me so adoringly in the car? What could have changed his behavior overnight? I felt so lost. I hung up the phone and walked the couple blocks from where I parked back to his house. At this point, I could only hope that he was 1.) actually home and 2.) actually open the door.
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
(Practice) Deposition with Daniel at School Date!
Sunday Daniel and I had a date at his house and he prepped me to be his fake witness (a crazed widow in an insurance lawsuit!) for his Pre-Trial class at school. We went over some of the details of the case, and then he asked me practice questions about the case like the opposing "lawyer" ( a classmate) would ask when I would go to school with him later that week. I was super prepared and on Tuesday Daniel picked me up and took me to school with him! Which was VERY exciting!
Since I was heading into enemy territory, I was sure to bring my University of Oregon School of Law coffee mug.
Daniel had class before the Depo, so he gave me hugs and kisses (and I poured coffee down the side of his suit because I was so shocked he PDA'd me at school in front of all those people he went to school with who knew his whole story) and I settled down in the commons with my coffee and entertained myself. I was mistaken for a student several times, which was fun for me too. I liked being back in a law school again, even though King Hall isn't as fancy as Knight (where I went to school). ;)
The Depo took place in a small room with a tv-computer screen type thing that recorded all of us through everything. The other student, Betty was super nice, but she totally didn't get anything out of me. Betty pretended to be one lawyer, Daniel pretended to be my lawyer, and I pretended to be the crazed widow. Betty asked really specific questions that either weren't in my prompt- and so I would answer "I don't know," or "I don't recall," which was a totally legit response because it was totally truthful. The prompt I had said my husband was drunk the night of the accident, but Betty kept asking if my husband was an alcoholic, or how many drinks he had had that night. I didn't know the answer to either of those questions. But if she had asked if he was drunk, I could have said yes. I was DYING to just tell her he was drunk (the night of this fictional accident) but Daniel told me not to volunteer information. Finally the timer went off- she could only ask me questions for 30 minutes- and she very exasperatedly sunk back in her chair because she had gotten NOTHING out of me. So then Daniel and I told her what had been in the prompt and talked about it all and we just laughed. Daniel was actually afraid I had done TOO well with the depo because I almost stonewalled the other attorney. If nothing else, he said he could argue I was extraordinarily very well prepared. And I will take that compliment! It was fun! I got asked to do a lot of Depo's in Oregon but was too shy to do them but I am glad I did this one. It felt like a fun bonding thing, and I felt like I got to see inside of Daniel's school world, which made me feel good.
After the Depo, Daniel was super affectionate and kissy and he drove me home and we tried to make plans to hang out that night but we kind of had to play it by ear because of his work schedule so it was sketchy. It ended up not working, but it was a good day and date!
Since I was heading into enemy territory, I was sure to bring my University of Oregon School of Law coffee mug.
Daniel had class before the Depo, so he gave me hugs and kisses (and I poured coffee down the side of his suit because I was so shocked he PDA'd me at school in front of all those people he went to school with who knew his whole story) and I settled down in the commons with my coffee and entertained myself. I was mistaken for a student several times, which was fun for me too. I liked being back in a law school again, even though King Hall isn't as fancy as Knight (where I went to school). ;)
The Depo took place in a small room with a tv-computer screen type thing that recorded all of us through everything. The other student, Betty was super nice, but she totally didn't get anything out of me. Betty pretended to be one lawyer, Daniel pretended to be my lawyer, and I pretended to be the crazed widow. Betty asked really specific questions that either weren't in my prompt- and so I would answer "I don't know," or "I don't recall," which was a totally legit response because it was totally truthful. The prompt I had said my husband was drunk the night of the accident, but Betty kept asking if my husband was an alcoholic, or how many drinks he had had that night. I didn't know the answer to either of those questions. But if she had asked if he was drunk, I could have said yes. I was DYING to just tell her he was drunk (the night of this fictional accident) but Daniel told me not to volunteer information. Finally the timer went off- she could only ask me questions for 30 minutes- and she very exasperatedly sunk back in her chair because she had gotten NOTHING out of me. So then Daniel and I told her what had been in the prompt and talked about it all and we just laughed. Daniel was actually afraid I had done TOO well with the depo because I almost stonewalled the other attorney. If nothing else, he said he could argue I was extraordinarily very well prepared. And I will take that compliment! It was fun! I got asked to do a lot of Depo's in Oregon but was too shy to do them but I am glad I did this one. It felt like a fun bonding thing, and I felt like I got to see inside of Daniel's school world, which made me feel good.
After the Depo, Daniel was super affectionate and kissy and he drove me home and we tried to make plans to hang out that night but we kind of had to play it by ear because of his work schedule so it was sketchy. It ended up not working, but it was a good day and date!
Saturday, November 14, 2015
Race Report: Beat the Blerch Half Marathon (My First!)
I finally did it, my first Half Marathon! I signed up for this thing months in advance because it sold out just hours after registration opened up- they even had to add extra days on the tour schedule because so many people tried to register. It was a little insane!
The night before the race, I picked up take out from Jack's Urban Eats and headed over to Daniel's to hang out. Urban fries (sweet potato fries covered in blue cheese dressing, blue cheese crumbles, spicy chili oil, red pepper flake and parsley!), mac n cheese and I think I might have had salad or something in there too. lol But I think my bottom line goal was to just have carbs. It was my excuse to eat badly after our crappy week and all of the junk food put me in an AWESOME mood and I felt great. I chowed down on the couch and did a little happy dance and Daniel just laughed at me. We hung out and talked and watched tv and cuddled a bit and then I headed home for a full nights rest before the race!
Saturday, November 14th I drove over to Raley Field in West Sacramento and lined up to the tunes of "Circle of Life" (yes, from the Lion King) and did my very first 13 mile run! I had basically stopped training for the race when Daniel and I started dating in September, so I was a wee nervous about how this was going to go, but I was still fairly optimistic because the course had an incredibly long time limit- something like 6 hours because there was also a full marathon also going on at the same time. I had picked this race specifically because it was a theme race and a fun run. All of the aid stations were stocked with nutella, birthday cake and "magical purple drink." The course also had couches for people to crash out on in case they wanted to quit! If the race hadn't been coming to Sacramento already, I would have flown to Washington where the race originated to take part in the main race. I did get to see the creator, the author of The Oatmeal when he was posing for pictures with people, which was fun and I got to take pictures with the Blerchs. (People in fat suits who chased us on the course route!)
Pre-Race Selfie!
The Oatmeal!
These are BACON WRAPPED MARSHMALLOWS. (I passed...)
We ran a large portion of the course together, running alongside the river, crossing over Tower Bridge, weaving through Old Sacramento and Downtown and Midtown- I realized I was going to be running super close to Daniel's house and wished I had warned him so he could have come out and cheered for me! I ended up snapping him a picture of me waving at him instead as I passed nearby and we texted throughout the race. After I passed by his house (literally we live that close to each other) and then headed over into Discovery Park.
Waving Hi to my Sweetheart from a few blocks over, and yes, I was wearing fancy earrings. lol
My pace was pretty consistent, around 14 something minute miles, which was pretty great since I hadn't trained and was run-walking. I also had to take a few time outs because my sock rolled down pretty early on in the run and my heel started bleeding which stressed me immensely. I was able to find a first aid station though and got some band aids, although it was a pretty big bummer because my skin was sweaty and the band aids wouldn't stick. I tried to make due but my heels was pretty raw by the end.
Running through Discovery Park was the sketchiest part of the course and I for sure saw people having sex in the bushes along the river. I also very nearly saw a homeless fight start to break out going over one of the bridges, but it calmed down really quickly. This lady was telling this man to not mess with her, and I was thinking, yeah, I would not mess with you either!
After I got into double digital mileage I really started losing steam and sort of wanted to die a little. I started texting Daniel more and he was sending me encouragement and telling me I could do it, and I was so close! I stopped and took a bathroom break and accidentally stopped my time on my iPhone and lost about a .25 mile on the screen which about killed me! At the later aid stations I started getting a little more desperate and I switched from using my Gu and shot blocks to taking some of their birthday cake, and the electrolyte drink hoping it would help with my crashed out stores. I think it actually did help a little- probably the sugar, or maybe just having something different after all those miles of the same thing? I had never actually gone that far in training, not even close.
Coming into the finish was VERY exciting. We ran across Tower Bridge, down the street, behind Raley field and then finished ON the field. I smiled big like Runs for Cookies always says to do and got great pictures! I was very proud! I had really hoped Daniel would be in the stands waiting for me- I had hinted as such but we hadn't made actual plans to do so. So while I hadn't exactly expected it- I had hoped, and I was a little bummed I came into the stadium alone. It really made me miss my Oregon running friends A LOT after such a huge achievement.
We got free downloads of all of our photos with our race registration but I never looked at them on a computer so this is all I have!
The food station was set up right at the finish, which I really appreciated because I didn't have to fight anybody for the food! I got potato chips and a banana and water and plopped into a seat to have a few bites of everything before hauling my butt up all the stairs to head out. I got pictures with a Blerch, and posed on one of the couches with a big jar of Nutella while I texted Daniel. He actually had come into West Sac to run some errands and was waiting for me over at my house, which was right near the stadium. So I headed out and met him back at home and he picked me up!
We went to In N Out for a celebratory lunch- burger for me, double-double for him, I think, and we both skipped fries and then ran around to some motorcycle shops a little further from town looking for a part to fix his bike from that accident back on Halloween. It was really fun to watch him nerd out with shop owners and listen to him talk about stuff he often knew more about that they did (he knew how to modify his bike to make other parts work on it) and one guy, the place he ended up ordering the part from said he must be on the online forums a lot and we both chuckled a bit. The nerding out was just cute to me and I said so. I wish we took a picture!
I was really sore and tired after the race so after shopping Daniel took me home and tucked me in and he went home to work on homework. Sunday we had plans to prep me for a (pretend) deposition he had at school. Busy weekend!
Not bad at all for my first time!!!!!!!! I'll have to come back to include my splits! But for my first time, without training, I am totally happy with my time. :)
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