When Daniel Disappeared

Tuesday morning, the 17th was the deposition at UCDavis where I got to try my hand at acting. Like I said before, all went great and I had fun. Daniel was affectionate and lovely. When he dropped me off at my house that day, he said he didn't exactly know what would happen at work that night and we might need to play our date that night by ear. He said he would give me updates, and I smiled, kissed him a few times with enthusiasm and said I would see him later. We hugged, and I got out of the car and he drove on to work.

And then things got weird.

I didn't really hear from him the rest of the day, which, since we had spent the morning together, I wasn't expecting a slew of texts, but I sort of expected more updates. I wasn't worried though. Later in the day he texted and said it looked like it would be a 6 hour work day instead of a 4 hour work day. So I gave him a sad face, :( and extended my sympathies, since it was a long day for him. After an hour or two, I sent a hesitant text... It was after 7:30 or 8:00pm at this point, and I had been waiting to eat dinner with him... Was that last text supposed to be a cancelation on our date? After a bit of a delay, he answered and said that, unfortunately, he had another 30 minutes to go on the memo he was working on (he was apparently still at work) and after that was going to have a meeting with his boss on the memo. So, it looked like it wasn't going to happen and he apologized.

I was disappointed not to see him, but it was okay. It was late-ish, and he has very early mornings so I understand. I just wished he had told me earlier that things were running late. And I texted him this- and sent a kissy face too so he knew I wasn't mad. Just try to let me know earlier next time, okay?

But he never answered that night. He never let me know when he left the office and never said goodnight, which is odd for him. We always say goodnight. It felt odd going to sleep without hearing from him. I figured I'd get a text in the morning.

Wednesday I got up and there was no word from Daniel. He always texts me good morning. Again, it was weird to not hear from him. I don't usually have to initiate.  I went to my kickboxing class at 9:30 and tried to push it out of my head. He is a grown man, and has freedom of movement after all. He probably went to bed late, and he would have been up at 5:00am for his crossfit class. He was probably just tired. I sent him off a text before class, "Are you alive?? Where'd you go last night?" And let him know I was up in the area around the bike shop we had visited over the weekend and could pick up the repair part he needed if he wanted me to.

About half way through class I was struck with the strongest impression something was desperately wrong. Something was wrong with him. He was hurt or in pain, or something terrible was happening. My heart raced and I struggled to stay in the class. I had to shake off tears the feeling was so strong that something was wrong.

I made it through class and got in my car afterwards and checked my phone- he had just texted me when class ended at 10:35- he said, "I died." That's all he wrote.

I wrote him about my little panic attack and asked him if he was okay.

Two hours later he answered and said he was fine, don't panic, he was just exhausted. I texted him a few other thoughts, and a funny article. He sent a one word answer to the article hours after the fact, and that was it.

That Sunday we had prearranged our dates for the week: Tuesday, Wednesday and Saturday. So I was expecting another date on Wednesday, or to at least see him, especially since he had cancelled the day before, and I definitely wouldn't be able to drop by or say hi the next two days since he had events going on. (A work thing Thursday and a concert in San Francisco Friday.)

At 6:30pm I checked in about our date, because I hadn't heard from him. At 8:30, I checked in again because he hadn't answered.

At 10:15, he finally responded, apologized, said work had been crazy and wrote a long apologetic text saying work and school was exhausting and he was going to bed and he would hopefully be more talkative tomorrow and hoped I had had a good day.

At this point I was worried. Daniel and I text all day long. We see each other just about every day. In November ("No fun November" as he called it,) it had been less so, but it was very common for me to drop by his house for a hug or to watch a quick sitcom and cuddle on the days we weren't supposed to see each other because we MISSED each other. To not hear from him for hours was... in a word... bizarre. Huge red flags were flying up for me and I was worried. I couldn't sleep and I was starting to reach out to friends because I was getting stressed about his behavior. Something felt off. I could feel something was wrong. Daniel and I are so involved in each other emotionally I could smell there was more to this. I threw a lot of ideas around but my suspicions were he was having some kind of a depression problem.

I sent him a few more texts that night in response to his long one- that I was glad to hear from him and that I had been worried, I sent him a hug, a heart and hoped he slept well. I was relieved, but still rattled.

Thursday morning, I still didn't get a text from him. No good morning, and my heart sunk. I waited.... and around 11:30 I sent him my own "Good Morning, How are you?" message.

He said, "Running around like a dying chicken. You?"

Again I got short messages from him. He's busy. Running around. Class. Work. Depo Work.

I told him it seemed like he was flailing.

He said no... Just running.

I asked him about standing me up. I told him I was scared. I asked him if I did something.

HOURS pass without an answer.

These were the last text messages I got from him:

:( I'm sorry. You didn't do anything. Life just got ridiculously busy.

I didn't know what to say, so I just wrote, " :(  "

At 6:45 he wrote back, "Don't be frowny. Done at work and heading to Larry's reception."

And I never heard from him again.

I texted him some silly things that night (I thought I left my oven on for hours  and left the house with an acorn squash in it, but luckily I was so worried at this point I only pre-heated the oven and didn't set the temp!) and the next morning, and he never answered.  My friend did this beautiful piece of artwork for us that she worked on all night Thursday night and into Friday and kept me up late texting as she worked on it. A friend woke me up early the next morning and I grumpily texted Daniel at 5am when he should have been headed to crossfit to complain about being woken up. When the artwork was ready I texted "YAY!" and told him his surprise was ready.

It might sound weird to somebody else that I sent that handful of messages without a response, but we were in a relationship and at that point I didn't have any self consciousness about the "number" of messages I was sending. (And I shouldn't have anyway.) We had an agreement that if he needed space he would ask for it, and he hadn't. He literally told me all was fine, he was just busy. He was definitely behaving out of character, but he had reassured me so the only thing I could do was trust his word.

Around noon on Friday I still hadn't heard from him, so I wrote, "Hello?"

He never opened the message or responded.

He was supposed to go to that concert in the Bay that night and at that point I was starting to worry  about what could be going on and my imagination was definitely running away with me.  So I gave him a call around 5pm and casually left a voicemail and said I hoped he had a great time at the concert, but could he drop me a text or call before or after since I hadn't heard from him since the day before. Then I just let it lie.

I went to dinner with a friend that night but she was insistent we go to this particular restaurant that Daniel and I used to go to every week- the one where I realized I loved him- and the wait was long, and the restaurant was full of couples. All I could think about was Daniel. I absentmindedly ordered his favorite meal and favorite wine and tried not to cry at the table. On the way home I swung by his house to see if he was there, but was absolutely relieved to see he wasn't. Hopefully, he was at the concert.

Like I've said before, music is super important to him. It's meditative, it's a release, and it helps him cope with emotions when things are hard. I wanted him to go and get that release and break if he was having a hard time. So I was glad he wasn't home, even though he was worried.

I went home that night but was restless. Later on, I saw he posted on instagram and Facebook from the concert. He had gone! Excellent! But... He hadn't contacted me. And I hadn't the faintest idea why. I was so confused. I couldn't stop saying that. I AM SO CONFUSED. What on earth was going on with him?

I finally fell asleep but when I woke up the next morning, I was greeted by more social media posts by Daniel. He had been out late, and posted all about it. I was so baffled. I went to my kickboxing class upset and rattled. I was GLAD he went, let me make that clear, but his behavior confused me. He had literally told me nothing was wrong between us, so why was he acting like there was a problem? What was going on with him?

My gut said... This was him pulling away because of his ex or something. He was having some kind of internal struggle and he was overthinking something and he was internalizing stuff. This is not what I wanted. I'd rather he just be an asshole who flaked on me. Because I could get mad at that. But a guy who was going through an actual struggle- I couldn't be angry at that because I understood. I had been there. The guy had been through a lot. It was understandable. I wasn't exactly sure why it would be happening now, but something had happened, I felt sure. Something was wrong. I said this over and over to friends. Something's wrong. This isn't him.

After class I texted him, and said, "Looks like you had fun at the concert? I'm not sure what's going on with you but I deserve an explanation."

Then I went home, showered, did my hair, makeup, got dressed and waited. I figured it he stayed in the city or at a friend's house he'd be home by mid-afternoon. I'd swing by his place then and try and find him. We were supposed to have a date Saturday. He should be home and free.

Around 2:30 I headed over to his house, and began to sob in the car. This horrible feeling of dread just overcame me. I needed him, I loved him, I was worried sick about him and I had no freaking clue was on earth was going on with him. I was worried for his safety on some levels. I just needed to know he was okay. I called a friend on the way over and cried into the phone. She thought I was massively overreacting and said if he wasn't returning my messages to just leave him alone. To me this felt wrong. That's not our relationship. If you talk and see someone every single day and they just disappear you don't not check on them. You check on them. You have to.

So when I pulled up to his street and saw his car there, my heart stopped, because I knew something was going to happen. I would see him or talk to him in just a minute and I was overwhelmed with nerves. What on earth had happened since Tuesday when he kissed me so adoringly in the car? What could have changed his behavior overnight? I felt so lost. I hung up the phone and walked the couple blocks from where I parked back to his house. At this point, I could only hope that he was 1.) actually home and 2.) actually open the door.