1.) I bought a GRE book for the old test. I have not opened it yet. I also ordered flash cards online. They are not here yet.
2.) I have not registered for the test yet, although I have looked up test dates and I can either take it in town on July 19th, or two hours away on July 21st.
3.) I have not registered for a prep class yet, but I looked up the class options and one starts meeting once a week beginning next Tuesday and meets through July 19th, and the other doesn't start until the end of June, and meets twice a week until July 12th.The class is very expensive, but I believe necessary.
DILEMMA: My friend is having a baby out of state (Utah) and I am 100% committed to being there when the baby is born. The baby is due at the end of June/beginning of July and will be born naturally (hopefully) without an induction, so it could come at any time. If I have class twice a week, it's highly likely I will miss multiple meetings of the [very expensive and very short] class. If I take the other class (which meets once a week), I will have to begin it basically, uh... NOW, and if I took the exam in town, I would miss the last class because I would be taking the exam. Alternatively, I could complete the entire course and then take the exam out of town, 2 hours away on the 21st of July.
CONCLUSION: All of this freaks me out very much and it is all happening very fast for Emily and I don't know if I am ready for it. But I don't really have time to think it over. I have to JUMP if I want to do this before the test changes.
ONE MORE TIME: How do I know if I am ready for this?
Showing posts with label questions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label questions. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
More Options...!
I was talking on the phone with my friend Carmen yesterday and she started giving me a pep talk about the things I am capable of. I pretty much tuned it out. I really wanted to hear it, and I was trying to hear it, but I just couldn't "hear it." I don't know how to explain it any other way. The same thing happens when the therapist tries to validate everything that happened with Matt. (That it really was a horrible, terrible thing, and a HUGE deal. Sometimes I fall into self-doubt about this. Some days that sounds crazy [that it wasn't a big deal], other days, I wonder if I am playing the victim... I really need to be validated that it was a bad thing. Too many people told me to just pick up and move on but the experience was so traumatizing I can't. So hearing those words ["move on"] essentially just gave me more issues. Fantastic.) I just can't hear it, or it doesn't sink in, or it goes in one ear and out the other. I really, really want and need to hear what everyone has to say to me, but it just doesn't go in somehow. Does that make sense?
Anyway, she was saying that as long as she has known me (10 years this fall) that I have always been doing and saying and making plans to do random and crazy and impossible things and then just doing them. That I'm a planner and I just make things happen. That with everything that has happened the last six years I have been progressively been beat down, but that I still stayed on top of it all, until it came to this. But she knows that I can still do it. I wish I could hear her say it again so I could really "hear" it.
After talking to her about school and stuff, and hearing about her plans to move to Philadelphia in just three months for her Master's in Public Health, I tried looking at schools again. This time it occurred to me to simply Google "masters, conflict dispute resolution."
I am so dumb.
Why did I not do this in the first place?
I thought Oregon was the only school with a program like this, and from looking at schools individually, it seemed like that was accurate. I was SO WRONG.
Here are some of the schools that have some form of Conflict & Dispute Resolution or Peace Studies Programs:
CA-Pepperdine
University of Notre Dame
Graduate School
Peace Studies
California State University Northridge
Mediation and Conflict Resolution
University of San Diego
Eastern Mennonite University
Columbia College Of South Carolina
Master of Arts in Human Behavior and Conflict Management
Arcadia University
Peace Studies
Glenside, PA
Champlain College
Graduate Studies
Duke University
Masters degree
International Development Policy
Peace and Conflict Resolution
WOW. Just... WOW. A lot, of at least some of the schools, particularly on the east coast focus on GLOBAL or international peacekeeping, which would not be my focus of interest. I found my interest synthesized best here:
Finally, you may want to obtain a master in conflict resolution if you work with social services or the family court system. In many instances, mediation is the preferred first step toward resolving issues in family court cases in order to avoid tying up courtroom time. Many individuals with a masters in conflict management also become members of, and certified by, the American Arbitration Association.
Best of all, did you see it? I checked those darn Colorado schools over and over and over again for a reason for me to go there without success. But I missed one. And apparently, it's the most prestigious one. UNIVERSITY OF DENVER, Conflict Dispute Resolution Institute offering a Master of Arts program... You can read about just how flippin' awesome DU appears to be, (and how insanely competitive, even though I had never heard of it) right over HERE. It also happens to be the oldest college in Colorado and in my opinion the most beautiful. It's the college experience I never had and always wanted. What a gorgeous old campus. And a big fancy school. It's a private school, but it's non-profit. I think it just officially became my dream school.
...But how am I ever going to get there with my undergraduate GPA. looming behind me? Let me tell you, it's not good. All of the schools also require some type of testing as well, but it varies. Some of the schools will take my old LSAT score, which is fine. But DU, and many of the other schools are going to require that I take the GRE. Which in the past has totally freaked me out. (That thing has MATH on it!) It's the combination of my undergrad GPA and my GRE score that are going to get me into school here. Like I said, my GPA is nothing to brag about; overall undergrad GPA was 2.889, with my upper division GPA coming in at 3.1 or 3.01, I forget. Not impressive for graduate school. My high school GPA was 2.89... Sadly consistent. I wish I could go back and care about grades... I always just did what needed to be done to get things done. The only classes I really tried in were Math- and that's because I was TERRIBLE at it. I worked really hard for C's, maybe a few B's, and definitely one A in a remedial Pre-Algebra class I "tested" into even though I had already passed Pre-Alg in junior high just fine. (Always my weak point. I'll pass the class and fail the placement exam every time. Did the same thing when I went to college. Back to Pre-Alg! WTFreak? I passed Geometry and Advanced Algebra just fine people, stop giving me placement tests and I'll stop failing them!) So, given my GPA, this means I'm going to need a fantastic GRE score... or go to a school that will take my LSAT score, like University of Oregon. The GRE really intimidates me and is a huge amount of work, commitment on top of my already crazy schedule and let's face it, mental problems. lol I would have to start working on it soon too, like, now. Scary.
For those of you that have taken the GRE, or had spouses or close friends take the GRE... how has it gone? What's your advice or recommendations about it? The test will be changing as of August and they will be making dramatic changes. I read an excerpt about it in a Princeton Review book and they flat out did not have nice things to say about it. They don't think it has been done well, or sufficiently tested, and the exam has been lengthened from 2.5 hours to 3 hours, 40 minutes. Sort of a dramatic difference. They've also changed the scoring. From a 1600 total point scale it will go to a 170 total point scale. (Huh?) So now I'm in a bit of a straight... Do I test in the middle of July under the sturdy old testing system, meaning I have approximately 6-7 weeks to prepare? Or do I have faith in the new test, and can test in, say, September or October.
Which is the right choice?
And again, is this the right choice for me?
Gotta say again, finding the U of Denver thing was SUPER exciting... That the school was so beautiful and historical... it was just everything I wanted was amazing. But the average undergraduate applicant (coming in from HS) is in the top 25% of their class. That was definitely not Emily. I need a GRE that dazzles... Can I do that in July? Can I do that at all? If I take the GRE I have more choices in schools to apply to... But it's alot more for me to take on. And is this the right path? Now I feel maybe like Oregon is where I'm supposed to go. But is that because I've been working on trying to give up the CO idea? Or because I want to be by my Mom?
I can't even tell you how annoying it is to be an insecure, wishy-washy, freaked out person after never having been that way. I don't feel confidant in myself or my abilities anymore, especially my decision making abilities and I need a lot of reassurance. (This is the therapy kicking in here.) I'm so grateful for therapy for helping me recognize this change in myself, and of course I understand that after such a huge shock and deception such as my experience with Matt, questioning my judgement now is only natural. It will take time for me to trust myself again. But right now, I need a lot of feedback and just, well, help. But where do I get that help outside of this blog?
For some reason I haven't wanted to talk about this much with the friends and family I do usually speak to on a regular basis, which is odd. I've just been talking about it here. Apparently, you are a privileged bunch. My dad, whom I am really close to and talk to just about every other day or so, doesn't know anything about it.
Anyway, she was saying that as long as she has known me (10 years this fall) that I have always been doing and saying and making plans to do random and crazy and impossible things and then just doing them. That I'm a planner and I just make things happen. That with everything that has happened the last six years I have been progressively been beat down, but that I still stayed on top of it all, until it came to this. But she knows that I can still do it. I wish I could hear her say it again so I could really "hear" it.
After talking to her about school and stuff, and hearing about her plans to move to Philadelphia in just three months for her Master's in Public Health, I tried looking at schools again. This time it occurred to me to simply Google "masters, conflict dispute resolution."
I am so dumb.
Why did I not do this in the first place?
I thought Oregon was the only school with a program like this, and from looking at schools individually, it seemed like that was accurate. I was SO WRONG.
Here are some of the schools that have some form of Conflict & Dispute Resolution or Peace Studies Programs:
CA-Pepperdine
University of Notre Dame
Graduate School
Peace Studies
California State University Northridge
Mediation and Conflict Resolution
University of San Diego
Master of Arts in Peace and Justice Studies
Center for Justice and Peacebuilding - Graduate Program
Harrisonburg , VA , 22802George Washington University,The
Master's Internationalist Program in the Peace CorpsColumbia College Of South Carolina
Master of Arts in Human Behavior and Conflict Management
New York University |
Graduate School of Arts and Science |
Program in Trauma and Violence Transdisciplinary Studies ----> I thought this was really interesting, and relevant. George Washington University,The |
School of Public Health and Health Services |
Graduate School |
Arcadia University
Peace Studies
Glenside, PA
Champlain College
Graduate Studies
Master of Science in Mediation & Applied Conflict Studies
Duke University
Masters degree
International Development Policy
Peace and Conflict Resolution
WOW. Just... WOW. A lot, of at least some of the schools, particularly on the east coast focus on GLOBAL or international peacekeeping, which would not be my focus of interest. I found my interest synthesized best here:
Finally, you may want to obtain a master in conflict resolution if you work with social services or the family court system. In many instances, mediation is the preferred first step toward resolving issues in family court cases in order to avoid tying up courtroom time. Many individuals with a masters in conflict management also become members of, and certified by, the American Arbitration Association.
Best of all, did you see it? I checked those darn Colorado schools over and over and over again for a reason for me to go there without success. But I missed one. And apparently, it's the most prestigious one. UNIVERSITY OF DENVER, Conflict Dispute Resolution Institute offering a Master of Arts program... You can read about just how flippin' awesome DU appears to be, (and how insanely competitive, even though I had never heard of it) right over HERE. It also happens to be the oldest college in Colorado and in my opinion the most beautiful. It's the college experience I never had and always wanted. What a gorgeous old campus. And a big fancy school. It's a private school, but it's non-profit. I think it just officially became my dream school.
...But how am I ever going to get there with my undergraduate GPA. looming behind me? Let me tell you, it's not good. All of the schools also require some type of testing as well, but it varies. Some of the schools will take my old LSAT score, which is fine. But DU, and many of the other schools are going to require that I take the GRE. Which in the past has totally freaked me out. (That thing has MATH on it!) It's the combination of my undergrad GPA and my GRE score that are going to get me into school here. Like I said, my GPA is nothing to brag about; overall undergrad GPA was 2.889, with my upper division GPA coming in at 3.1 or 3.01, I forget. Not impressive for graduate school. My high school GPA was 2.89... Sadly consistent. I wish I could go back and care about grades... I always just did what needed to be done to get things done. The only classes I really tried in were Math- and that's because I was TERRIBLE at it. I worked really hard for C's, maybe a few B's, and definitely one A in a remedial Pre-Algebra class I "tested" into even though I had already passed Pre-Alg in junior high just fine. (Always my weak point. I'll pass the class and fail the placement exam every time. Did the same thing when I went to college. Back to Pre-Alg! WTFreak? I passed Geometry and Advanced Algebra just fine people, stop giving me placement tests and I'll stop failing them!) So, given my GPA, this means I'm going to need a fantastic GRE score... or go to a school that will take my LSAT score, like University of Oregon. The GRE really intimidates me and is a huge amount of work, commitment on top of my already crazy schedule and let's face it, mental problems. lol I would have to start working on it soon too, like, now. Scary.
For those of you that have taken the GRE, or had spouses or close friends take the GRE... how has it gone? What's your advice or recommendations about it? The test will be changing as of August and they will be making dramatic changes. I read an excerpt about it in a Princeton Review book and they flat out did not have nice things to say about it. They don't think it has been done well, or sufficiently tested, and the exam has been lengthened from 2.5 hours to 3 hours, 40 minutes. Sort of a dramatic difference. They've also changed the scoring. From a 1600 total point scale it will go to a 170 total point scale. (Huh?) So now I'm in a bit of a straight... Do I test in the middle of July under the sturdy old testing system, meaning I have approximately 6-7 weeks to prepare? Or do I have faith in the new test, and can test in, say, September or October.
Which is the right choice?
And again, is this the right choice for me?
Gotta say again, finding the U of Denver thing was SUPER exciting... That the school was so beautiful and historical... it was just everything I wanted was amazing. But the average undergraduate applicant (coming in from HS) is in the top 25% of their class. That was definitely not Emily. I need a GRE that dazzles... Can I do that in July? Can I do that at all? If I take the GRE I have more choices in schools to apply to... But it's alot more for me to take on. And is this the right path? Now I feel maybe like Oregon is where I'm supposed to go. But is that because I've been working on trying to give up the CO idea? Or because I want to be by my Mom?
I can't even tell you how annoying it is to be an insecure, wishy-washy, freaked out person after never having been that way. I don't feel confidant in myself or my abilities anymore, especially my decision making abilities and I need a lot of reassurance. (This is the therapy kicking in here.) I'm so grateful for therapy for helping me recognize this change in myself, and of course I understand that after such a huge shock and deception such as my experience with Matt, questioning my judgement now is only natural. It will take time for me to trust myself again. But right now, I need a lot of feedback and just, well, help. But where do I get that help outside of this blog?
For some reason I haven't wanted to talk about this much with the friends and family I do usually speak to on a regular basis, which is odd. I've just been talking about it here. Apparently, you are a privileged bunch. My dad, whom I am really close to and talk to just about every other day or so, doesn't know anything about it.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
I am not alone (and you are not either.)
I have therapy in the morning and it has me reflecting on last week's session. After 8 months of weekly therapy my therapist finally disclosed something personal about herself/her family. Her husband's grandmother was in my position. She was married to a man who used to go away on "business trips" for periods of time. In reality, he was going off to be with his other family. He had two families, two wives, two homes. Neither had any idea. She didn't tell me any more than that except that it wasn't the wife's fault. There was something wrong with the husband.
We also talked alot about what could be wrong with Matt, including several personality disorders. I may talk about that another time. Right now I want to talk about US.
Driving home from that appointment, for the first time since I found out the truth about Matt, I felt lucky. Over and over again people have told me,
"Well, at least you're not pregnant."
"At least you didn't get married."
"You should be happy it didn't go further."
And I never felt grateful, or glad or relieved about any of those things. I just felt so terrible and awful about what had happened. I felt cheated out of the children I thought we were going to have and the wedding and marriage and life I had planned with him. Driving home after that session, for the first time ever, thinking about that woman who had been in my shoes, and had even lived my life further than I had, marrying him, carrying his children, living in his home... I finally felt LUCKY. I felt so relieved that I hadn't lived that. That I hadn't had gotten pregnant, or had babies or married him, or shared a home. I felt so lucky. For the first time. The first time in all these months. It didn't matter how many times people grabbed me and told me I was lucky; I didn't care, I didn't believe it. Hearing her story, hearing about someone, finally, someone like me, in my shoes, I felt the connection between us that I had been longing for and I got it. Without hearing any emotion on the part of my therapist, who merely conveyed a couple of sentences of fact; I could fill in the story with my own emotions and that woman's pain. I knew how she must have felt. I knew her pain. And I felt so blessed that I had found out the truth about Matt before it was too late for me. And I cried...
For one of the first times since August, I wasn't alone. Even if I was only hearing someone else's story, someone else who probably wasn't even alive anymore... I wasn't alone. Other women have stood with me, and that provided enormous comfort. There is no support group for women like me at Kaiser or at the women's shelter. Hearing this story or one's like it is all I get. And there aren't many. In fact, there are just about none.
On this blog, more than one woman has reached out to me and said that they experienced things similar to what I have gone through. Most of you have not gone into any detail as to what happened to you. If you can, I would like to encourage you to share your stories in the comments (Feel free to leave them anonymously if you need to.) or to send me an email at auntyem4@yahoo.com . I share my story every day... Knowing I'm not alone... I can't tell you how much it helped. If there are more of us out there, it helps. It really does. Please share your story and what happened. Please. It would mean so much, and HELP so much.
Thank you.
Sunday, May 01, 2011
New Laptop=Productiveness, Lots of ?'s about School
My new cheapie, [but totally fancy] laptop arrived after I spent this week playing cat and mouse with the stupid FedEx guy and culminating in being forced to pick it up at the FedEx store at 10:45PM on Thursday, I finally got the sucker. It's a little weird, and the keyboard is like a desktop keyboard with a full number set on the right side, which would be great if I was used to a desktop, but since I'm not, it actually just makes me mistype on the board, and likely will make my wrist even more sore than it already has been because I will be resting it at an even deeper angle trying to use the touchpad. Awesome.Anyway, I am now again mobile, and can blog, browse the Internet and shop Amazon and Etsy from my bed, the couch, the bath tub, the potty, whewhoo. lol
(Did I just say that? Oh well.)
In my productiveness, I have now discovered I am in massive debt for this month, and I am going to go to the poor house paying to have my dog boarded at the kennel 6 days, my car at the airport for 6 days, and driving 4 hours roundtrip with gas $4.30 a gallon to said airport to go to this wedding in DC this next weekend. Oops. I really should have thought twice about saying it was okay to fly out of Reno. Definitely cheaper for them [the people paying for the plane ticket, or least I hope it was cheaper after all this hassle on my end], but it is not going to be cheaper for me. I live 5 minutes from the airport here in Sacramento and if I flew out of Sac I could have gotten a ride so I wouldn't have had to pay for the gas or driven there, or stored my car so that's a whole lot of money saved right there. Although, my dog is still going to have to go to doggie jail I think and that's going to be a couple hundred dollars. (I think I might cry.)
(Over both the money AND him having to be locked up. I don't want him to have to sleep alone!)
Anyway, I didn't have any money come in in April at all and I bought the new camera, the new laptop, and I didn't realize I didn't have my Photoshop program disc anymore so goodbye $200 more dollars for that too. (Smack head.) [I bought the student version since it's $200/the regular version is $1000... oh and now I have to register to become a student in order to activate it!) I also had to pay a couple of several hundred dollar bills for advertising this month too. Let's pray they work!
Anyway, my new computer is telling me all kinds of "great" news with it being so convenient to look things up now. Grrr.
One of the productive things I did (other than add up bills) was email an attorney about Matt. That took a whole lot of hours to first find one who was 1.) a woman, and 2.) had anything remotely close to the right specialization, and 3.) write the email.
The letter was still full of mistakes.
Despite all of that, as we come up on the 8 month mark of "the day of truth", (or the day my soul died, either can fit perfectly depending on the day) this was the first contact I have sent out. It was exceedingly difficult to do, but I know it was the right thing to do and a step in the right direction. I hope that she can help me or help me find someone who can.
The other thing I did tonight was email a woman from a graduate program I had corresponded with shortly before I met Matt. The program is at the University of Oregon and is in Conflict and Dispute Resolution and is a Master's Degree. It's a newer program and is very small. Their requirements are pretty vague and I had written with her before trying to nail things down, but I wasn't ready to take action because I didn't know what I wanted. The last week or so I have been thinking about this and dreamed a little (yep, I said it, I DREAMED a little) about going to Oregon for a year (but apparently the program is two years so scratch that) for the program, and then applying to law school again after I graduated. Wow, that law school thing really does not give up, huh?
I wonder why.
My little day dream was to move to Oregon first for a year, and then Utah after that. But then I kept thinking that was too much moving, and I don't like to move. But I think I have also come to some kind of conclusion, or at least, self-analysis that my problem with just picking up and moving somewhere is that there is no purpose in it. I moved to Sacramento for school. I moved back to Southern California, again, for school. How can I randomly pick up and move to, say, Utah, or Colorado without cause? No family there, and my business, particularly in Utah would likely seriously flounder. (Way too much competition at really bottom basement prices.)
(Of course another thought I had this week, after my last post, was why do I feel the need to be around family anyway? They are better off on their own. Then nobody feels bad about living close and not seeing each other. If we live far away and see each other at holidays, maybe we will learn to appreciate each other more. We can hope, right?)
Anyway, the self-analysis made me realize that without cause I'm not really one to just pick up and go. I'd like to, but it really causes a level of discomfort that is just beyond me. If I'm moving, I want to move with somebody, a partner and make a collaborative decision together. Or, let's move for school, or a job opportunity/offer. Since 2 of those 3 don't work, how about school?
So on my new computer I looked up graduate programs in Colorado. The first school I was drawn to was the University of Colorado at Boulder. I scrolled through their list of programs and "Law" was listed as a graduate program. I excitedly thought it might be a Master's degree. When I clicked on it though, I found they actually have a law school. Hmm.I went through the other schools in Colorado that sounded nice and had nice pictures too (always a good indicator of a solid academic record and experience... a nice website and pretty pictures..) but nothing really jumped out at me. So I looked up the information for University of Oregon's Conflict and Dispute Resolution Master's program.
The application deadline is apparently May 30th for this year, and school starts in August. I actually could still apply for this year. Wow.
Some Pros:
Get the Heck out of dodge
New place
Start over immediately
Start my continuing education now
Do something which *I* consider productive and valuable to society and my life (I don't feel that way about photography really. I try, and am trying, and I am doing better with how I perceive it, but it's not "a real job" to me, even now. Even being published on the covers of magazines didn't do it for me. I want to be successful at it, but there is something missing.)
Cons:
Leaving my therapist
breaking my lease
changing alot of things really fast
having to start over
having to move
how would I even move by myself?
I'm under contract for a bunch of weddings in September and October in Sacramento, how could I start school and focus on that if I had to be commuting back here? (That's exactly how I screwed up law school)
I don't even know if I could get in to grad school as it stands now with my undergrad gpa, no idea where to get recommendation letters... and an average LSAT score.
If I wait a year, and apply in the spring or fall or whatever for matriculation for the Fall 2012 semester, there are pros and cons to that too.
Pros:
I should be more ready to break out on my own and I will have a year to prepare for it, think about it.
I can start advertising in the area around the school for my business and in Oregon in general and try to begin working up there so my business is more based up there in 2012, than here.
I won't have to break my lease
I'll be able to plan and anticipate
I will hopefully have already gone to court for Matt and have things settled.
Cons:
I have to wait yet another year of my life to start my life. I say this every year. I've been saying this since 2008. (When I left law school) When is my life going to start if I keep putting it off?
My LSAT score will expire and I will have to study and take the GRE or LSAT, which is a HUGE ordeal and undertaking.
But, is any of this what I really want?
I don't even know. I haven't known what I really wanted in a long time. It seems like whenever there is any bit of a hint of what I might want I jump on it... but then I hesitate. Because really, I don't know. After what happened with law school... I just lost so much of myself. And after what happened with Mat... well whatever was left... I feel like that disappeared right along with him. I was never the kind of person who wasn't sure. I always had goals, had a plan. I powered through my bachelor's degree in 3.5 years while my friends puttered around at 5 years, 6 years... I always knew. But not now. I wish I knew. I just need some direction...
Conflict and dispute resolution feels like a good fit... I've often been told over the years I should become a therapist/counselor/psychologist (much to my own personal horror and active gag reflex), both prior to all of this, and even now I still hear it, both by people who are aware of what's happened and by those who aren't. Conflict and dispute resolution is more mediation than counseling; coming to peaceable negotiable terms, rather than a continual exploration of feelings, which is something I could get behind. I like mediation, or at least, I think I do. It's also something that's used in the family court system, and could possibly get me in the legal arena without a law degree. Interestingly enough, CDR is within the law school at U of O, although it is not a law degree.
The only thing I wonder is, as I look at the program, my thought process is the same, "Well, I would go to school there, get the degree, and then apply straight to law school."
If I'm going to go to law school again, why would I spend $17,000 a year on a Master's degree, which, albeit would be helpful in my experiences as an attorney, but would also just add to my debt and may not be used at all? Would I really just be using it as a way to prove to the admissions councils that I was smart enough to conquer law school this third time? Is that really a wise decision and a reason to get a degree?
I don't know. Why do I keep going back to the program though if that's my only interest in it? I could get a Master's in anything; I could do it locally and cheaper and prove the same point to the admissions councils.
What do you think?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
share this post »