New Laptop=Productiveness, Lots of ?'s about School

My new cheapie, [but totally fancy] laptop arrived after I spent this week playing cat and mouse with the stupid FedEx guy and culminating in being forced to pick it up at the FedEx store at 10:45PM on Thursday, I finally got the sucker. It's a little weird, and the keyboard is like a desktop keyboard with a full number set on the right side, which would be great if I was used to a desktop, but since I'm not, it actually just makes me mistype on the board, and likely will make my wrist even more sore than it already has been because I will be resting it at an even deeper angle trying to use the touchpad. Awesome.

Anyway, I am now again mobile, and can blog, browse the Internet and shop Amazon and Etsy from my bed, the couch, the bath tub, the potty, whewhoo. lol

(Did I just say that? Oh well.)

In my productiveness, I have now discovered I am in massive debt for this month, and I am going to go to the poor house paying to have my dog boarded at the kennel 6 days, my car at the airport for 6 days, and driving 4 hours roundtrip with gas $4.30 a gallon to said airport to go to this wedding in DC this next weekend. Oops. I really should have thought twice about saying it was okay to fly out of Reno. Definitely cheaper for them [the people paying for the plane ticket, or least I hope it was cheaper after all this hassle on my end], but it is not going to be cheaper for me. I live 5 minutes from the airport here in Sacramento and if I flew out of Sac I could have gotten a ride so I wouldn't have had to pay for the gas or driven there, or stored my car so that's a whole lot of money saved right there. Although, my dog is still going to have to go to doggie jail I think and that's going to be a couple hundred dollars. (I think I might cry.)

(Over both the money AND him having to be locked up. I don't want him to have to sleep alone!)

Anyway, I didn't have any money come in in April at all and I bought the new camera, the new laptop, and I didn't realize I didn't have my Photoshop program disc anymore so goodbye $200 more dollars for that too. (Smack head.) [I bought the student version since it's $200/the regular version is $1000... oh and now I have to register to become a student in order to activate it!) I also had to pay a couple of several hundred dollar bills for advertising this month too. Let's pray they work!

Anyway, my new computer is telling me all kinds of "great" news with it being so convenient to look things up now. Grrr.

One of the productive things I did (other than add up bills) was email an attorney about Matt. That took a whole lot of hours to first find one who was 1.) a woman, and 2.) had anything remotely close to the right specialization, and 3.) write the email.

The letter was still full of mistakes.
Despite all of that, as we come up on the 8 month mark of "the day of truth", (or the day my soul died, either can fit perfectly depending on the day) this was the first contact I have sent out. It was exceedingly difficult to do, but I know it was the right thing to do and a step in the right direction. I hope that she can help me or help me find someone who can.

The other thing I did tonight was email a woman from a graduate program I had corresponded with shortly before I met Matt. The program is at the University of Oregon and is in Conflict and Dispute Resolution and is a Master's Degree. It's a newer program and is very small. Their requirements are pretty vague and I had written with her before trying to nail things down, but I wasn't ready to take action because I didn't know what I wanted. The last week or so I have been thinking about this and dreamed a little (yep, I said it, I DREAMED a little) about going to Oregon for a year (but apparently the program is two years so scratch that) for the program, and then applying to law school again after I graduated.

Wow, that law school thing really does not give up, huh?



I wonder why.






My little day dream was to move to Oregon first for a year, and then Utah after that. But then I kept thinking that was too much moving, and I don't like to move. But I think I have also come to some kind of conclusion, or at least, self-analysis that my problem with just picking up and moving somewhere is that there is no purpose in it. I moved to Sacramento for school. I moved back to Southern California, again, for school. How can I randomly pick up and move to, say, Utah, or Colorado without cause? No family there, and my business, particularly in Utah would likely seriously flounder. (Way too much competition at really bottom  basement prices.)

(Of course another thought I had this week, after my last post, was why do I feel the need to be around family anyway? They are better off on their own. Then nobody feels bad about living close and not seeing each other. If we live far away and see each other at holidays, maybe we will learn to appreciate each other more. We can hope, right?)

Anyway, the self-analysis made me realize that without cause I'm not really one to just pick up and go. I'd like to, but it really causes a level of discomfort that is just beyond me. If I'm moving, I want to move with somebody, a partner and make a collaborative decision together. Or, let's move for school, or a job opportunity/offer.  Since 2 of those 3 don't work, how about school?

So on my new computer I looked up graduate programs in Colorado. The first school I was drawn to was the University of Colorado at Boulder. I scrolled through their list of programs and "Law" was listed as a graduate program. I excitedly thought it might be a Master's degree. When I clicked on it though, I found they actually have a law school. Hmm.

I went through the other schools in Colorado that sounded nice and had nice pictures too (always a good indicator of a solid academic record and experience... a nice website and pretty pictures..) but nothing really jumped out at me. So I looked up the information for University of Oregon's Conflict and Dispute Resolution Master's program.


The application deadline is apparently May 30th for this year, and school starts in August. I actually could still apply for this year.  Wow.

Some Pros:
Get the Heck out of dodge
New place
Start over immediately
Start my continuing education now
Do something which *I* consider productive and valuable to society and my life (I don't feel that way about photography really. I try, and am trying, and I am doing better with how I perceive it, but it's not "a real job" to me, even now. Even being published on the covers of magazines didn't do it for me. I want to be successful at it, but there is something missing.)

Cons:
Leaving my therapist
breaking my lease
changing alot of things really fast
having to start over
having to move
how would I even move by myself?
I'm under contract for a bunch of weddings in September and October in Sacramento, how could I start school and focus on that if I had to be commuting back here? (That's exactly how I screwed up law school)
I don't even know if I could get in to grad school as it stands now with my undergrad gpa, no idea where to get recommendation letters... and an average LSAT score.


If I wait a year, and apply in the spring or fall or whatever for matriculation for the Fall 2012 semester,  there are pros and cons to that too.

Pros:
I should be more ready to break out on my own and I will have a year to prepare for it, think about it.
I can start advertising in the area around the school for my business and in Oregon in general and try to begin working up there so my business is more based up there in 2012, than here.
I won't have to break my lease
I'll be able to plan and anticipate
I will hopefully have already gone to court for Matt and have things settled.

Cons:
I have to wait yet another year of my life to start my life. I say this every year. I've been saying this since 2008. (When I left law school) When is my life going to start if I keep putting it off?
My LSAT score will expire and I will have to study and take the GRE or LSAT, which is a HUGE ordeal and undertaking.


But, is any of this what I really want?

I don't even know. I haven't known what I really wanted in a long time. It seems like whenever there is any bit of a hint of what I might want I jump on it... but then I hesitate. Because really, I don't know. After what happened with law school... I just lost so much of myself. And after what happened with Mat... well whatever was left... I feel like that disappeared right along with him. I was never the kind of person who wasn't sure. I always had goals, had a plan. I powered through my bachelor's degree in 3.5 years while my friends puttered around at 5 years, 6 years... I always knew. But not now. I wish I knew. I just need some direction...

Conflict and dispute resolution feels like a good fit... I've often been told over the years I should become a therapist/counselor/psychologist (much to my own personal horror and active gag reflex), both prior to all of this, and even now I still hear it, both by people who are aware of what's happened and by those who aren't. Conflict and dispute resolution is more mediation than counseling; coming to peaceable negotiable terms, rather than a continual exploration of feelings, which is something I could get behind. I like mediation, or at least, I think I do. It's also something that's used in the family court system, and could possibly get me in the legal arena without a law degree. Interestingly enough, CDR is within the law school at U of O, although it is not a law degree.

The only thing I wonder is, as I look at the program, my thought process is the same, "Well, I would go to school there, get the degree, and then apply straight to law school."

If I'm going to go to law school again, why would I spend $17,000 a year on a Master's degree, which, albeit would be helpful in my experiences as an attorney, but would also just add to my debt and may not be used at all? Would I really just be using it as a way to prove to the admissions councils that I was smart enough to conquer law school this third time? Is that really a wise decision and a reason to get a degree?

I don't know. Why do I keep going back to the program though if that's my only interest in it? I could get a Master's in anything; I could do it locally and cheaper and prove the same point to the admissions councils.

What do you think?