He wore a red hat (Clifton)

Two months after Geoff and I broke up and after I found out he had rebounded with another girlfriend, I went back on OKCupid. I don't remember a whole lot about being back on there, expect pretty immediately finding this particular profile that struck my attention.

A witty, craftily written piece of prose that just prompted a response on my end. There were some deep in the weeds questions that sort of nagged at me, but I was simply giddy at the thought of writing this bearded man with the big black rimmed glasses. Three hours later his clever response sat in my inbox.

Back and forth our messages flew. For a couple of weeks we wrote each other and then we swapped numbers. I don't usually move this fast, but this going right, right from the beginning. It was easy, it was witty and the banter was fresh. Then one day, he owed me an email and didn't answer. Then the texts disappeared. I was disappointed, but I let it drop off. Thus is the nature of online dating. I assumed his relationship status had changed or it simply got too close to the holidays.

Almost six weeks later, I got a text- from Clifton! An apology for the delayed response and a flirtatious request for a date. We were back on. I slyly asked him what girl he had broken up with, but he denied it. He said things had been going so well between us he had gotten nervous with all of the pressure and it had turned into a "thing" and he hadn't known how to respond and it built into a situation where he just couldn't respond. It all sounded ridiculous, and yet, completely relate-able. Out on a friend date with his friend Alesha, she heard the story and demanded he text me on the spot, and apparently he did.

Our first date was fr Milkshakes at Vic's in Land Park. When he made the date I looked up the sweet little 50's diner and saw they closed a mere hour after our 8pm date time. I thought of mentioning this, but ultimately decided, he's the guy, let him steer it. For all I know, he planned that on purpose. it also leaves me with a smooth getaway if I don't like him.

Per usual, I was awash with anxiety on the drive over an by the time i walked up, I wanted to throw up. Then I saw him sitting outside the shoppe. With that red beannie. With... a little Indian girl pin? It turned out to be a pin of Rory Gilmore but I swear on my life it looked like a little Native American Girl pinned on this fire engine red beanie. With his bright red beard and harsh glasses. Why did he wear that hat?! I immediately thought, "NO!" and was grateful for the hour time limit. ...But then we started talking.

The jokes never stopped, and neither did the banter. I was full throttle on the jokes and suddenly found myself telling him about his book I had started to write once. How had we gotten on this story? He had a degree in English and liked to write and suddenly I found myself not quite pea-cocking, but being inadvertently vulnerable even though I hadn't quite meant to be. We drank our milkshakes, but Clifton had an uneasy eye on the soda jerks- they were cleaning up and he didn't want to hold them up. We were the last ones in the shoppe. We slurped up the last of our shakes and walked outside. We exchanged an awkward hug and I stammered out a few more quick comments before- in Clifton's words, sprinting to my car.

He had wanted to ask me for a walk, but never actually articulated the words. I felt I stood there awkwardly and he had made no motion or suggestion of another activity and I didn't want to stand in the parking lot alone after this mini date. I wasn't sure if either of us were interested so off I went.

Apparently we were both interested. We were just pre-heating.

I always find this odd plot twist with boyfriends to come. My immense hesitancy, holding back, refusal to cooperate and ultimately the feeling of "love comes softly." Ultimately this should be how I know this is the one who I am going to be paired with in short order but I never quite see it coming.  The gentle man with the silly red hat- he had plans for me.

First Date at Chicago Fire: That time my Tinder Date CRIED

I met the guy on Tinder. He had a nice bio, a nice smile, and cleverly quipped with me over text. The intellectual chemistry was fairly smooth and (with heavy peer pressure from my friends) agreed to a date with him fairly quickly. He seemed entertaining enough, and he certainly got my jokes.

We were to meet at Chicago Fire, a restaurant and bar in Midtown that I had always wanted to try, but had never gone to, so I was pleased over the location. Although when I got there I realized it was within a block or two of Rick's Dessert Diner... a special place for Daniel and I, and also within walking distance of Daniel's apartment. It threw me off, and the non-nonchalant vibe I had been trying to fake to myself crumbled as I sat and cried in my car for a bit. I hate dating in general, and I hate the pressure that comes with meeting new people- jumping through hoops, unconsciously trying to impress each other- even if you don't really like them there's always some level of posturing, and of course the nerves. I also always felt like I was cheating on Daniel. This should have probably indicated I hadn't taken enough time for myself before attempting the dating scene, but I was getting so much flack and pressure from my friends about how I needed to "move on" that I felt that I had to start going out, even though I was pretty much crying every day, not eating, and felt horrendously depressed. It might have been a wise recommendation that I attend group therapy, but this was the best idea my friends came up with. "Use them for free drinks and get even for all the men that have screwed you over," they said. But I won't let them pay for my drinks unless I'm interested. So that doesn't usually work in my favor.

This guy was intelligent, kind, educated, had a good job with the legislature... it had potential- why not? I didn't really ask many questions about the future or what he was interested in or looking for and tried to just go with it, which for me is pretty off the wall and out of character.

I walked the two dark blocks to Chicago Fire and pushed the heavy door open into the restaurant. At first I didn't see anyone appearing to be waiting for me, or anyone obviously sitting alone at the bar, like a date would be. I knew he was  already there, so I was a little confused. Then, from a dirty table covered in plates and half eaten pizza, an extremely vertically challenged man waved me over.

My date had apparently commandeered a used table.

I awkwardly perched on a stool in front of some other person's half eaten pizza crust and smiled at my date... and tried not to stare. A large wound of some kind seemed to be protruding from the middle of his forehead.

...What the hell was that?

I smile. We shake hands. "So you must be very full from all of these pizzas! Exactly how many other dates did you have before me?!" I start needling him right away. Trying not to stare. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

He makes some jokes about the line of Tinderellas that preceded me in the restaurant.

I keep glancing back and forth between his face... and that thing on his forehead.

Is it is a zit? A massive, gigantic zit?

I lean on my hands and try to look away... and not put my elbow in the marinara sauce on the table.

This is already so awkward. 

The banter is quick and witty and entertaining, but already I have thought a thousand times, What the hell is he thinking? 

Finally a waitress comes and clears the table.

It's so dark in the restaurant I just can't get a look at the massive tumor on his head. It's a zit right? A giant big bite? Why doesn't he acknowledge it? Just own it! Doesn't he know I'm avoiding looking at him simply so I won't stare?

Suddenly the conversation turns. I'm not exactly sure what happened, but our witty banter suddenly shifted to a serious discussion about his family. I pause. I had already been struggling to keep up while I invented various stories about the massive tumor in the middle of his face. He leans his face into mine and... launched into specific detail about each member of his family's psychiatric history...

I clear my throat. I nod empathatically. I too, am wildly guilty of the over-sharing. Everyone knows this. Perhaps he hasn't realized he's starting to tread too far. I make a joke and try to help him back pedal. He shakes his head and plunges farther into stories of electric shock treatments and suicide attempts and people being committed to various asylums. Mmmkay.

"You just can't save everybody." No, looney date, sometimes you can't.

Now he was discussing his maternal side of the family. Surely he couldn't have too many more relatives?

"That must be very difficult for you,"I hear myself saying. I sip my beer. He shows no sign up stopping so I better pace myself.

Suddenly I hear a bizarre choking noise. I glance at my date. I had been trying so hard to not look at him directly so as to avoid wondering about that THING on his head.

He was crying. CRYING. The man was openly weeping at the table. He had begun talking about a cousin and had just lost it.  I glance at my iPhone. I had been on this date for 36 minutes. My date was sobbing at the table. WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PROPER PROTOCOL FOR THAT?

He continues sniffling and sobbing, babbling on about his mentally ill cousin. I have no idea what to do. DO I PAT HIM? HUG HIM? What if the tumor is contagious? A tear splashes to the dirty table. I have no idea where to turn my gaze. The sauce covered high top. The zitty tumor, which now curiously looks like it might have some dried blood in it. My date's tear-stained face. I admire my hands. I've always thought I had such pretty hands.

"We all have our challenges,"I hear myself saying.

My date sucks some snot back into his nasalcavity.

I try not to gag.

The waitress wizzes over with the check. "Split it?" My date says, suddenly recovered. Praise Jesus.
"Suuuuure." I respond, hesitatingly.  But shouldn't I get the beer for free as compensation?

"So, would you like to come back to my place? Or maybe grab another drink at the bar next door?"
"What?" How is this hell not over yet?
"It's only 9:40! I can make you a drink at my apartment around the corner, or do you want to go next door?"
"Uh, we just met, I don't usually hang out at my friends houses until I've known them for at least a few months."

I am so thrown by the invitation back to his apartment. Is he seriously asking me back to his house? Like.. for a hook up? Am I being punked? I scan the restaurant with sudden suspicion.
 
"Well I live right across the hall from my sister, so girls usually like that! Plus we have this open door policy, so-"
"Wait, what?"
"An open door policy! You know, she can come in whenever. "

"You mean, she like... walks in on you? With dates?"
"Well, I mean, yeah, that's happened."
"Isn't that... awkward...?"
Long pause "Well, I mean... It can be. But my dates still usually really like it."

"Uh...." I stare blankly for a minute...Okay, so I am just going to go with this... "So, since you guys basically live together, do you ever just like... open your apartment doors and make like a big apartment together?"

"What do you mean?"
"You know, like just open your doors, and like, seal the doors open with tape. Close yourselves off from the world!" ....Like Flowers in the Attic.
"I don't get it."
"Hmmm." Maybe he isn't that witty.
"Bar next door?"
I glance at my phone. It is 9:43pm. I have been on this date since 9:04. If I left right then, it would totally feel like I was ditching the poor crying tumor guy. I mean, the snot hadn't even totally dried off of his face yet. He's clearly never going on another date in his life so, can I write this off on my taxes as a charity donation?  "Uhh, I guess." A mercy-drink if there ever was one. I picked up my purse and rolled my eyes as I followed him out the door.

Now the advantage to going to the horrible dive bar next door was a giant SPOTLIGHT highlighted this thing on his head the second we slid into a booth in the back. I could finally see what in the hell this thing was. STITCHES. He had flipping STITCHES going across the middle of his face. At least a dozen of them. WHAT THE HELL?

We got a couple more beers; I took a couple of sips and I went to the restroom. Sitting on the toilet, I collapse my head into my hands. Shit. There's no way I can drink any more of that beer I just ordered. I had left it unattended with the crier and if I was ever going to get roofied on a date this was for sure the one. Shit. I'll just pretend I'm drunk instead of actually getting drunk. As soon as I came back I slid into my seat and got ready to go hog wild.

"SO."
"So?"
"What exactly happened there?" I point to the stitches.
"I was wondering when you were going to bring that up."
"Why not just volunteer the information yourself? Isn't it more awkward not to?"
He shrugs. "I had a cyst drained. It was the size of a golf ball. It really wasn't that big of a deal, but they had to wrap my entire head in gauze the day I had it done. Wanna see?"
"UH, YEAH."

He busts out the photos. It looks like he had brain surgery. Nothing is visible except his mouth and his bug eyes.
"My friend took me out bar hopping afterwards. Just for the reaction. Best night of my life."

...Yeah I bet.

"Well, my cat needs his insulin shot." I am so loving my cat at this moment.
"Your what needs his what?"
"Oh did I not mention? Yeah I have like 3 pets. All are super high maintenance. The cat has to have that insulin shot right on time or he might die. So I have to get going."
"Oh. I was having such a good time though. I thought you might want to go to my apartment after this."
"Uh.... Well, the cat though."
"Oh. Well. Can I walk you to your car?"
"Oh, I am good, I am right there, thanks so much!"

Then I ran out of the bar, darted around like 5 other cars to make sure he didn't follow me, circled the block like 6 times to again make sure he wasn't tailing me, and then sped home and locked all of the doors. And windows.

So what's your best worst date story? Because this was pretty good for me. 

First Date Post-Break up with Jeremie

And here we are, out on dates again. Honestly this wasn't a place I thought I would be, but here I am. At the urging of Brian and Angie I got on Tinder (and every other app in the world) and matched with a few people. The first person I connected with at all was of course a lawyer. I can't help it. I'm an overly analytical, overly logical person and I am wildly attracted to lawyers and law students. They're my type. The problem with this one was I kept thinking he had gone to one law school in town, but... he had actually gone to the same school as Daniel. My mind was absolutely convinced he had gone to this other school, and so I wasn't worried about there being any kind of overlap. Until right before the date started when I looked at his profile one more time and realized, OH CRAP.

Not only did he go to the same school Daniel did, but he only graduated a year ahead of him. Which means, in a school that small, the chances are like, slim to none they don't know each other or know OF each other or at least have friends in common. Great.

I tried to just forget about it, but I couldn't help but drop some of my handy law school knowledge (specific to their school) into the conversation because, I HAD JUST SPENT THREE MONTHS HEARING ALL ABOUT IT. I actually liked the guy enough that I would have gone out with him again, and felt like we had a nice intellectual conversation that I enjoyed- as a friend or as something else, but I'm pretty sure I screwed it up with what ended up sounding like crazy elitist comments bragging about the school's rankings based on things Daniel had told me. Which is stupid.

Also, beautifully, my date went on to the neighboring town of Davis after our date- we actually closed down the brewery we talked so long- and went to hang out with a friend from law school. Which gave me this huge wave of paranoia about who exactly that person could be. Because the likelihood that that person was someone who was still in school was probably pretty darn high. Which means they probably know Daniel. Which means I wanted to throw up. I already felt awful enough going on the date at all, and somehow I had put myself in the law school cess pool. What on earth? I'M NOT EVEN IN LAW SCHOOL ANYMORE. My very nice date continued texting me even after he was hanging out with his friend, but after a couple hours started asking some pointed questions about the body art project I had done, which to me made me wonder, if just maybe he was comparing notes with someone. I just had this gut feeling he knew who I was. He never asked, but for our pleasant date and lengthy texts after, I never heard from him again.

So either he faked it well that night or something else was going on.

Either way... I'm totally not ready to date anyway so it doesn't really matter, but the whole thing felt incredibly embarrassing.

First Date with Daniel at Pangea and the Hideaway

After I got back from Europe, I puttered around a couple of weeks, went on a few terrible dates (some of which I will go back and blog because they were so terrible) and then signed up for eHarmony.

My friend Angie met her husband on eHarmony two years ago and literally got married Labor day weekend. I signed up right around that time. I initiated conversations with a few people when a bearded law student caught my eye. He was just my type! Beyond being a law student, he already had a master's degree, was just as dedicated to traveling and adventuring as I was, wanted a family, liked animals, and dreamed of settling down. It seemed perfect. He hailed from the east coast but was pretty committed to Northern California. As I have said many times before- I don't really care where I settle, I'm happy to follow someone, but as I just got into a rental and dating takes time, I'd like to date someone who isn't going to immediately move after they take the bar exam, and then present distance issues in our relationship unless we have already committed by then. So this was all fantastic. On paper, all looked good and he really came off strongly that his "cab light was on," and he was seriously looking for THAT relationship- you know, THE ONE.

It took about ten days to get through the whole "audition" process eHarmony puts you through, and then we got to exchange lengthy emails with each other. Even from our short answers to each other though, it felt very promising. The right answers were coming through. This serious tone kept coming off on both ends, but I think that's just how eHarmony primes you. They mean business, and they want you to take things seriously and to give thoughtful answers. By the time we got to be able to write free-flowing emails, it was like a relief! Daniel did write in his first message to me, that I was able to make him laugh, despite the serious tone though on those essay answers! :)

We exchanges letters for a few days, and then Daniel gave me his number and asked me out. He initially tried to ask me to dinner, but I requested we keep it casual, just in case one of us turned out to be a serial killer. He said he was pretty sure he could trust me, but we could keep it to just coffee or drinks if that was better. He sent me his phone number, and I texted him. And that started days and days of non-stop texting. from early in the morning to late at night we were texting each other all day.

We texted each other about everything under the sun, from our backgrounds and childhoods to our hopes and dreams and life plans. Daniel told me right off the bat he wanted to be married in the next couple of years and laid out a sort of rough plan, assuming he met the right person. Before we even met, I could feel the momentum building and burning. We had a LOT of chemistry and that was apparent even just texting. I said many times, we should probably stop texting because we are going to run out of things to talk about on this date! And Daniel said more than once, no... we aren't.

Our first date was Tuesday, September 29th at 4:30pm at Pangea, a little restaurant/bar in south Sacramento across the street from an ice cream shop my dad used to bike to as a kid.

Here I am in the car, hyperventilating, right before the date. I was freaked out because I was so nervous it wouldn't live up to my expectations- or maybe that it actually would.

I couldn't even get myself to take a nice smiling picture because I was SO NERVOUS. And yes, I recycled my outfit from the bad date the week before, but that's because I really liked that top! I did take my sweater off and put it in my purse until later though.

When I walked into Pangea, Daniel was already there, facing away from the door, but I knew him right away because the bar was pretty empty, and he is very tall. Also, I could just tell it was him. My body could tell it was him. It felt magnetic. He had on a leather jacket and was wearing his glasses, a long sleeved button down shirt and a tie. The first thing I noticed was probably him, himself, and then the jacket (which looked nice), as a means of recognizing him and when he turned, his eyes caught me immediately. They were stunning and caught the light. The brightest, happiest shade of blue I've ever seen in my life. They made me immediately smile at the time and they make me smile thinking about it now. As soon as he said "Hello," I knew this wasn't going to be a repeat of the bad date from the week before. You know when you can just tell things?

We walked up to the counter together and talked about the beers on tap. We have very similar tastes in beer so it was easy to converse about it, and it was comfortable right away. He offered to treat and I let him. I knew that HE knew this was a good sign right away because I had already told him about my bad date the week before and that I wouldn't let a bad date pay for my drinks- I didn't think it was fair. He was pleased right off the bat that I let him pay and we walked together to a cute little table outside with great street atmosphere.

This is where we stayed. For the next... I don't know how many hours. This date was supposed to be for A beer after he got off work. We sipped on that first beer for it must have been 3-4 hours. It was an extremely long time. When it became clear that we really weren't anywhere close to being done talking yet and were still having SO much fun talking with each other, he asked if we should get another round and I went and got the second round of beer, which we slowly sipped on because we were too busy talking to really care what we were doing. Then all of a sudden, it was dark. This was in September. So it didn't get dark until like 8pm. We sat on that patio forever. It was like no time had passed at all. It was effortless. When I spent time with Luke back in July and I connected with him, it felt special... but that was nothing in comparison to this. Afterwards Daniel called it like a lightning bolt and I can see what he means by that. I've never had an experience like it in all my years of dating. Not with anybody. Not even with my ex partners. It was... Magic.

 

This was the photo I sent my friend on the off chance he murdered me during the date. (Kidding.) But I sent it of the two of us... because we looked so cute together.

 

When we looked up and realized it was dark, Daniel asked me to dinner. I said yes. So we walked up the street, side by side but not holding hands to a little divebar he loves called the Hideaway. It was like walking into a time machine. People wore retro clothing and music played from a jut box (I think) and I felt like I had walked into the 50's. It was so awesome. We ordered at the bar- and Daniel paid again, and I had the most amazing Philly Cheese Steak sandwich with blue cheese crumbles and an aioli sauce. It was AMAZING. We loiter another hour or so before Daniel said, I better hurry- if this date went bad, I had been saying I was going to console myself with ice cream afterwards at Gunther's, and they might be closing soon. I giggled and said he could join me. So At 10:45pm we hustled out of the Hideaway and dashed down the street to Gunther's. The employee inside the locked building gave us the most empathic look when she saw us rush up to the closed store. At that point, we had been hanging out, for literally SIX AND A HALF HOURS. But now, everything was closed. It was a Tuesday. A work night. A school night. It was late. Daniel rather reluctantly walked me to my car. we giggled about how long the date had gone on. I think he hugged me. At that point I got pretty scared he was going to kiss me and was pretty relieved he didn't. We said goodbye and I went home SO PUMPED and excited about the whole thing. Best first date of my life. Hands down.  All we did on that date was talk and connect with each other. We told stories and got to know each other and seriously could not get enough. He was cuter than his pictures, so handsome and just, adorable really. I was so excited.

How could you ever top that?!

When I got home that night afterwards!

The terrible, no good, Oakland Date with the drink stealer

So I had this photo shoot in Oakland.

And I had this guy I had been writing emails to who lived in the area. The emails were kind of boring, but hey, I'm open. You never know who might be awesome in person right? Plus, I was bored.

So I asked the guy out. I think his name was Anthony.

I went and did my photo shoot, and kept Anthony up to date on my whereabouts. His texts were sadly just as boring as his emails. There was nothing really wrong with either per se, just not particularly peppy...

I got dressed up pretty cute, did my make up nicely, and took a selfie. Cute right?

As soon as I get about half a block away from the bar I think... AWW CRAP.

The guy is standing outside the bar (that he picked) and immediately there are a number of problems. I know it's him- he's clearly waiting for me, but he looks NOTHING like his photos. He's at least 50 pounds heavier, furrier, dressed badly and seems to have some kind of body tick.

As I get closer, and reach out to shake his band, he opens his mouth to speak... and he's something is wrong there too. He speaks oddly like he's slow or off or something. The emails are now explained.

AWW MAN!

I'm not going to ditch the poor guy, but I'm definitely not going to let him pay for anything or order food. He must know it's over already too though because I'm already carrying the entire conversation, which is annoying when I'm making an actual effort. I'm disappointed to see the drinks are expensive and the service slow.

I very pointedly walk to the bar separately from him to order, and volunteer to pay for my own drink. I very purposefully step away from him so it will be clear to the barback that we will be paying separately. This is bar custom. The bar is empty. It should be obvious. I order.

I step back and hand her my card.

The awkward man who catfished me into this uncomfortable date over an hour from my home suddenly becomes light on his feet and steps closer to me, gestures from me to him as if to say, "Put my drink on her tab" and the barback immediatey runs his drink ON MY TAB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was livid. I ended up with a $22 bar tab for the two drinks because he ordered a $15 cocktail. When the waitress brought me the single receipt back he feigned confusion and limply offered to pay me for it- or to buy the next round, which I decidedly declined.

Unfortunately, I had to sip my way through my drink, but once it flipped over to a Karaoke Bar I guzzled it and bailed for the door. Once my rude date began to get excited- apparently this was planned- I had to get out of there. He sort of shouted at me as I ran across the street that he'd like to take me out again, and, not looking at him, I said, Mmmhmmmm BYE!

That one Tinder Guy

So there was this one guy I met on Tinder. I think.

It was the week I moved back to Sacramento and I even think I might have started talking to him before I moved. I was so lonely and so anxious about moving that I just wanted to meet ANYBODY, even a friend right away. We didn't do a ton of get to know you's in advance, but I did call him out on not being a good texter and he said he was a better conversationalist in person.

This was of course was a lie. This is always a lie. Never believe this. If they can't text, they can't talk. Believe nothing else. Unmatch, unmatch, unmatch.

The guy lived downtown, and was walking distance from Rubicon. He suggested we go there. Because he goes there several times a week and it's comfortable for him. ...And being on a guy's home turf is always stellar for the ladies.

I had never been there before and when I walk up to the outside, it's totally cute. The street atmosphere and people watching outside is great. ...But I don't see my date outside. So I peep inside... He's inside. At a laminate table in a corner. Where it's super noisy. He's cute- looks exactly like his pictures for sure. But the atmosphere inside blows.

And oh yeah. We have nothing in common. I order a cheap $5 beer  that I sip and struggle to entertain us both for the next two hours while he eats dinner as slowly as possibly but somehow chugs 2-3 drinks. I didn't realize I'd be the guy's dinner entertainment.

Finally the bill comes. Relief! The guy is attractive but we have nothing in common. The only time I could even get him to perk up was when I got him to talk about a heavy metal concert. It was nice to see him get excited about something, but literally, he showed no joy or excitement about ANYTHING. I wasted at least 40 minutes talking about beers and breweries (yes, Oregon educated me enough to suck up that much air space) and still, barely anything. I don't get it. I figured he'd at least offer to pick up my $5 beer since he ran up at least a $30 tab all on his own- but-- he doesn't. And I don't have cash. So I pull out my credit card (all I have) and he says- "Oh, you don't want to split that, mine was more than yours." (Yeah, by like $25!) So I just ask the waitress to pull out my $5 beer off the tab, which she has trouble doing because he had ordered SO MANY beers...

It was just bad manners. He should have offered to just cover it. The waitress probably took 10 minutes to figure it out and the guy was not hurting for cash. I know this is a double standard on my part but... It was annoying. But I paid for my own beer, and no, I didn't ditch him, even though I knew it wasn't a match. AND I did let him friend me on facebook after, although I have no idea why. (And I have since deleted him, because he never made an effort to strike up a friendship. I told him flat out afterwards- when I was "thanking" him for the "date" that I didn't think there was chemistry, and he agreed, and asked to friend me.)

Don't go out with people who can't text. It means they can't talk, and you have nothing in common!

First date with Chris at Vero

Chris is another fella I picked up on OK Cupid. I forget who contacted who. Chris just moved to Oregon from Texas, and literally was messaging me the week he arrived in town. His brother had obtained a teaching position and had moved from Colorado to here and Chris was invited along. His undergraduate degree is in International Relations and he said he had been unable to find relevant work in Texas so he decided to to go on an adventure. While there are a decent amount of non-profits here, I'm not sure I agree with that logic. That said, he got an interview as an post-placement worker with Holt International (the international adoption agency, specializing mostly in Asian country [Korea/China] adoptions) almost right away. I would love to work for Holt, so I was pretty jealous!

Chris was a pretty good texter (good grammar, witty comebacks, etc.) but I had some hesitations. Everything on paper looked great, but his photos... It was kind of like David (college boyfriend), he could have gone "either way" in the looks department. Also disconcerting was the fact that he wasn't smiling with teeth in any photo...

Of course you know what I'm thinking. Any man (or person) who doesn't smile with teeth in pictures is hiding something. Either a.) a total lack of teeth, or b.) teeth so jacked up they don't want anyone to see them. Smiling without teeth (pursed lips) is also a huge red flag on a dating website. Particularly if they have 20 pictures and NONE of them show any hint of teeth.

Electing to be  transparent, I just randomly texted him before our date was scheduled: "So, do you have teeth?!"
...."Is this an inquiry regarding my overall health, or just a random question?" He replied.

I laughingly explained and he teasingly assured me that yes, he did indeed have teeth.

Phew.

The week I went out with K, I scheduled this coffee date with Chris. We met at Vero, which is an adorable little espresso place inside an old Victorian. I don't think the coffee or food is particularly good or noteworthy, but the atmosphere is. It's where I went on my first date with Alex back in March/April (his suggestion) and I think it's a good place for such a thing. The outdoor patio is charming, has a nice view of the neighborhood, and the tables are far enough apart to have a private conversation.

When I drove past Vero, I immediately saw Chris out front and got nervous. While unemployed, he was good on paper and I didn't know much about him. I parked blocks away to give myself some time to walk and breathe and then strolled up next to him on the steps of the restaurant.

After saying "Hi," and getting in line, the next thing I said was... "Let me see your teeth!" (In an attempt to be charming/funny.)

He laughed, and awkwardly smiled, showing me his massive collection of mildly snaggled teeth.

Oops.

I really need to stop saying and doing things like this.

Being a tactless person though, I'm sure my friends expect nothing less from me.

From the back Chris was fairly attractive and I would say, perfectly in my "league." From the front however... it wasn't that he wasn't cute. He was. He just looked about 10 years old than he really is (according to his profile anyway) and had a massive front- comb over. (His hair was pulled straight and long in front to hide a receding hairline above his forehead.) It really, really "dated" him.

I realize that I am now 31 years old. That is old. (Old enough). But I don't think I'm ready to date someone who LOOKS 40. In fact, the older I get, the more okay I am with dating men younger than me. A friend who lives on the East Coast mentioned that she has an acquaintance who is 24 years old and seriously looking and would like to set him up with someone. While that seems way too young for me, now it gives me pause. What the hay? Right? If we're on the same page, if he's younger that just means we'll hopefully get more years together because men statistically die  before women do.  If I date a guy who is younger, we can die together! Perfect! I've spent 31 years alone. I don't want to spend the last 20 years of my life alone too! (Although I recognize I have no control over that and plenty of people do it and are perfectly happy. However, having already spent ALL of my adult years so far without a life partner, I really feel like I have paid my dues. No?)

Anyway, back to the Snaggle-Toothed-Comb-Over-Dude. From the moment he bared his teeth at me (brave soul), I knew this was not a match. However, keeping David (unattractive college boyfriend) in mind, I went through with our date. I did not want Snaggle-Toothed-Comb-Over-Dude (STCOD) to be aware of my instant rejection of him because it was just mean. Also, I should give him a chance. And... it gives me more of a chance to practice socializing with men. Thank you STCOD for giving me that opportunity.

I let the conversation go a full two hours. Mostly we talked about my dog. At least I know I can keep a conversation going for a full two hours about anything, let alone my dog. I eventually told him I had to get rolling so I could go give my cat his insulin shot (seriously), and we said goodbye.

I felt really bad over the whole thing. There was truly nothing wrong with him other than that I was not attracted to him. That made me feel very shallow. He was also pretty shy, which did not help with the chemistry thing at all. Once in awhile he gave out a hearty laugh and a genuine smile and I thought that was nice. But really... This was not a match.

First Date with K

So, there is this guy at school I noticed last fall. I thought he was pretty attractive, but his name was hard to say (seriously) so I felt shy about talking to him because I literally had no idea what his name was. He wasn't in our cohort so I only saw him at a mixer or two in the fall, and bumped into him a couple of times this spring. (And finally mastered his name in early Summer.)

The Program Assistant for our department is a really nice, friendly girl and also super aware of the fact I'm single. (Because I complain about it every 4th second.) "K" popped into the office one day when she and I were chatting, and after he left, she mentioned, "I think K is single."

Oh, really!

So, after a brief period where I attempted to pump her for information about him, I decided to just add him as a friend on Facebook. We had a couple of brief, funny conversations with each other in the law school, and that was it.

Until...

The guy really likes food. He takes pictures of food alot, and cooks alot, and seems decently talented in the kitchen. After he posted some photos of something he had made on Facebook, I commented and asked if he did delivery!

I went to bed a few minutes later and as I was laying in bed, I just KNEW he was going to message me. I laid there and I waited. I knew he was going to ask to cook for me.

I laid there for about 10 minutes trying to ignore the bizarre conviction when my phone beeped.
Private message.
From K.
"I don't deliver, but would you like to come over one day and I'll cook you dinner?"
Apparently I'm psychic.

So a week or so later I went over to his house after work and had Japanese Curry for the first time. He had it all ready when I got there and it was great. The conversation was good, but K made it very, VERY clear he was on the hunt for a relationship and a girlfriend. He made a number of comments about the type of person he was looking for, asked me about my dating life, and seemed a little territorial when I mentioned I had been to the house of a guy who sort of has a reputation for being a player. (Which made me laugh- and no, I didn't fool around with the player! We went to a tailgate at the guy's house. Total coincidence!) K straight up told me that he is 28, single, all of his friends are married with kids or coupled up and that it "was time."

Super interesting. I'd never heard a guy talk like that before, and I enjoyed the transparency. That said, I wasn't totally sure if we were a match. I definitely find him attractive, but I didn't really feel that "magic." I was totally open, and would go out with him again, I just didn't feel it. So I didn't feel super invested in the process, but tried to be open. I know from dating David (my college boyfriend) that sometimes that magic happens later, and you shouldn't close yourself off from someone whose company you enjoy because you never know!

We had dinner out on his back patio, which was very nice, and talked for a few hours. I was a little worried because my friend had texted me that there was a huge lumber mil fire right over by my house, and I was right on the edge of the evacuation zone. My animals were home alone, so that made me a little worried, but Sarah promised to watch the news updates and let me know if they evacuated my neighborhood. They didn't, and it turned out okay, but I was a little stressed when I first got there because of the fire- but I didn't want to cancel at the last minute, literally standing on his porch!

Since K made dinner, I brought dessert for us to share, which was also quite tasty. I had planned on bringing this monstrous 3 layer cake thing, but a few things went awry in making it and Sarah and I ended up feeding it to the dogs. (Although it was delicious, it just wasn't very pretty!)

Quite a few things went wrong with this cake. First of all, I couldn't find my round springform pan. So I used a novelty pan in the shape of a piece of wonderbread. Not a bright idea.The shape just didn't work.

Next, I bungled the raspberry mousse at least three times. We made three separate trips to the store. Then, I also deviated from the recipe (which I had made up to begin with.) Because K had mentioned he preferred lighter desserts and this was a dark chocolate, chocolate cake, it felt too heavy for what we were having for dinner. So I switched everything to white cake and white chocolate ganache, but it didn't turn out the same. I'd also never made white ganache before and it was not pretty. It also didn't coat like it was supposed to. (Probably because I thinned it out too much. )

Anyway, so it didn't look so bad at first, but by the end it looked like vomit.

 No way I was taking this hot mess on a first date at some rando dude's house after he cooked me dinner from scratch. Forget it!

The dog's loved it. We gave them 20 seconds, and then took it away. The cake, while ugly, tasted amazing.

I ended up bringing homemeade whipped cream, raspberries and balckberries for dessert instead. My friend suggested I bring whipped cream and strawberries but that sounded so dirty I couldn't handle it and got more expensive fruit. HA!

After dinner and dessert and a few hours of talking, K walked me most of the way back to my car, gave me a real, body-smushing hug, and we said goodbye. Nothing else physical, but it felt like a good time, and I enjoyed his company for friendship or whatever.

Coffee date at Barry's Espresso

In April or May I went out with this guy named Mike. His pictures were cute, he was a great text-er and I liked just about everything about him. He is around 30, over 6 foot, white, blondish hair- sort of reminded me of my friend's husband Jason. Cute guy! He had just graduated with a BS in General Sciences and was geared up to apply for vet school. He owned his own house already and had a pretty good settled life. My biggest complaint was the fact he had a pet snake. (Gross.)

We texted for a good couple of weeks before finally making plans to meet at a Jewish deli near campus called Barry's Espresso. I got there early and had my first Matzo Ball soup! It was good. Not good enough to get again, but good enough for me to not throw it away and be pleased I could cross this item off my culinary bucket list.

When Mike got there (late) I had already eaten my soup, and my cookie, and was wrapping up my coffee. He walked in casual, but confident. He looked EXACTLY like his pictures, which pleased me. (So often you can't tell!)

As soon as he opened his mouth though, I went... "Oh, no."


Let me explain. He was very friendly. Our conversation was great! It took little effort and we got along well. We had lots in common. We sustained our conversation for a good couple of hours. He had lunch, and it was a good time. When he left it was a little awkward, though, because he just threw his plate away and left. There was no hug or formal goodbye, which I felt was odd. I decided I would go out with him again, but I already knew we were not a match.

I'm sure you're asking, "Why?"

He was... feminine. Like, are you sure you don't like boys? His mannerisms were SO exaggerated. When he laughed, it was like... Oh gosh. I felt like I was sitting with a girlfriend. NOT A MATCH.

I decided I would be friendly and wait it out and see. If he asked me out again, I decided I wouldn't say no. We both thanked each other for the date over text a few days later, but I think this was the first mutual fade out I ever experienced. We were both nice, but didn't press anything. It was the perfect dumping.

Haven't heard from him since.

...Thank goodness.