The Road to Chicago

For the last three years I have been applying to the lottery for the New York Marathon. Each year, no luck. 

This is how I ended up running Paris in 2017- you only register, no lottery. NY was still a dream though, so I continued to enter the lottery and applied to run as a charity runner in 2018. I eventually decided to try and start apply to other World Marathon major races and applied to London for 2018, (no luck), and Chicago, 

In the Fall of 2018, I found out I was accepted to Chicago 2019!

Given my injuries and six months of not walking last year, I started training in January. Also given my total lack of accountability when I tried for Paris (I literally went on six runs before the race.) I decided to set a fun goal: 

26 races leading to the 26.2!

So far I have run 17 races! Chicago will be the 26th. 

I am following the Hal Hidgon Novice 1 plan, and all is going fairly well, although if anything my pace average is worsening. Given how hot Sacramento is, it's getting pretty difficult to train. How do you run 10 miles after work when it's 105 degrees outside? I am still in PT, a full 18 months after my injury. My calves are "extraordinarily" tight and it's part of my plan to stretch them by standing on a book six times a day, including while I am at work. So far, nothing works. I think the one thing that has come out of training is that I have gained confidence that I can do anything. It's not scary to run a Half marathon. I know I can do it- I'll just walk. I can interval. It's okay! A 5k isn't that far, and it'll be over pretty fast. All races end and there's beer at the end and you get street cred. I like it. 

The running list so far!

1.) 2/23 Almond Blossom 8k, Ripon, CA 1:16:17 Average pace: 15:07

2.) 3/2 Donut Dash 4M, Sacramento CA 58:14 Average Pace: 14:15

3.) 3/9 Bok Kai 5K, Marysville CA 42:51 Average Pace: 13:16

4.) 3/16 Run to Get Lucky 5k Corvallis, OR 41:51 Average Pace: 13:11

5.) 3/17 Shamrock PDX 8k Portland, OR 1:14:38 Average Pace 14:45 

6.) 3/31 A Run & Walk Through History Cemetery 5k New Orleans, LA, 46:34 Average Pace 14:30

7.) 4/9 Hippity Hop, Plumas Lake CA, 44:00, Average Pace 14:09

8.) Salmon Run 10k, Grass Valley CA, 2:18:58 Average Pace 19:35 (Trail)

9.) Eugene Marathon 5k, Eugene OR, 42:29 Average Pace 13:06

10.) 5/4 Coloma River Run 10k, Pilot Hill, CA 1:54:31 Average Pace 17:49 (Trail)

11.) 5/4 Beer Week May the 4th be With you 5k, Sacramento CA 50:03 Average Pace 15:57 

12.) 5/13 Yosemite Half Marathon, Bass Lake, CA 3:32:06 Average Pace 15:29

13.) 6/9 Run to Squaw 8M 2:09:06 Average Pace 16:11

14.) 6/30 Mare Island 10k, Mare Island, CA 1:32:24 Average Pace 14:03

15.) 7/12 Scoot Scoop 5k 46:45 Average Pace 14:55

16.) 7/20 Peach Festival 5k, Marysville, CA 42:25 Average Pace: 13:04

17.) 7/28 Biofreeze San Francisco Half Marathon, San Francisco, CA 3:32:07 Average Pace 15:24

Scheduled:

23.) 9/15 Clo Cow Half Marathon

24.) 9/29 Napa Half Marathon

25.) 10/12 Chicago Marathon 5k- Maybe!

26.) 10/13 Chicago Marathon

Sorting out races 18-22!

I'm still working on my weight. I ate well for a full year, with intention, avoiding plastic and processed foods, but enjoying treats here and there (mostly neopolitan pizza fridays!) but a year of that and no binge eating just made me maintain my weight. I gave up and tried Slim Fast for a month and lost 8 pounds. I'm back to mostly healthy eating and just maintaining again. So I'll probably go back to something else. It's frustrating. Not looking for guidance, just venting. 

Food Stuff and the 25 Pound Difference

I've been having a darn hard time with eating the last few days- and I mean that in two ways.

For one, I've had the flu the last 10 or so days, which means that I was having a hard time even hitting 1200 calories because I just wasn't hungry. I couldn't even smell my food and there was no fun in it. I might have been enticed if someone had delivered me Happy Meals (my beloved "sick" food item... Yes, I know that makes no sense, but it's a sort of comfort food item from childhood, so it all kind of works around!) but since there was no delivery person available (still single over here) and also I'm broke, that was not in the cards. Hitting 1200 at a minimum was carefully planned and I made up at least half the calories per day in cookies. Kid you not.

The other side of this is, while I am still definitely sick, I am no longer running a fever and got up and ran errands today. I felt good yesterday too. Where did that lead? To me wanting to binge all day long. Granted, I'm not doing horrendous... but I logged 1900 calories in food yesterday and I gave up logging today at 1600 because I couldn't even remember all of the things I had bit, nibbled and tasted all day long.

Tomorrow I want to make a plan to eat decisively all day. I will try to consciously get up and eat breakfast, rather than laying in bed whining to myself. I am hoping if I eat more earlier on, it will make a difference in the late night snacking. I'm also hoping it doesn't rain tomorrow. The humidity from the rain made it near impossible for me to run yesterday and I turned home after I started having an asthma attack. (Something which hasn't happened in years and I was totally unprepared for.) If it's not rainy and not quite so humid, my hope is I can make another attempt at a training run (1 year in and I'm on Week 4 of Couch to 5k...) or at least a long (4-5 mile) walk with the dogs.

The last few weeks have seen a decrease in my physical activity- mostly due to weather and being over-scheduled, but also some changes in my eating. I developed some weird problems this fall and I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It seems like I've developed something similar to acid reflux, although I wouldn't quite label it as that. When I eat particular foods, I have gotten a very fast- and intense- stomach reaction which mostly leads to me throwing up. With the help of a friend, we figured out raw tomatoes were a huge trigger point after I vomited up my entire dinner from a great sit down restaurant we went to in Bend after our Cosmos 7K race in September. Probably about 15 minutes after I had finished eating and we had gotten into the car I had to pull over and run in a gas station to be sick, and was sick the whole way home afterwards. (Sarah drove). It was really awful. I've tried to avoid raw tomatoes since, but have also had trouble with high-fat foods, or things that seem like they would produce gas. If I eat even a little too much, my stomach bloats and I have excruciating pain unless I head it off with a gas pill- I'll throw it back up. It's made me a lot more contentious of portion size and pacing myself while I'm eating. I haven't been to the doctor and at this point, don't plan to. It seems that with behavior modification I don't have a problem and I'm not interested in allergy testing or going on any medication. My suspicion is this has something to do with the dietary changes I made when I started dieting this year and maybe I gave myself a sensitivity or something. My gut says (har-de-har-har) that it will go away with time, or I'll figure out how to manage it.

These things said, I've done really good on my weight this fall, and my one year total loss is just over 25 pounds! That puts me squarely half way to my goal weight. On the one hand, I'm thrilled and so excited I have gotten down this far. On the other... I know it's at about this weight I usually get stuck, and then end up gaining it all back, so I also feel a little paranoid. What makes this time any different than the other couple times I've been down this far? (2004 post-college and 2010 post-Matt are the only times since junior high my weight has been in this range.) Another thing... both previous times at this weight (181/182) I was around a size 10. I'm currently a size 14. I find that wildly disappointing. This weird 30 year old puberty I went through where everything seemed to shift around seems to have left my belly hanging out in the cold. That is a HUGE bummer. Especially since I have been exercising, it's not like I don't have muscle mass... Apparently my belly doesn't care what the rest of me is doing, I guess.

So, my plan is to keep running down these next 25 pounds. I'm hoping it doesn't take a whole additional year to get there, but if I make it at all, it will be amazing. Just to even lose 3 pounds before the new year would be amazing... I'd be in the 170's, I'd be the weight on my driver's license (made up when I put it there in high school... Truly, I picked a random number. I probably weighed 210 at the time.), and I'd also officially cross over from "obese" to "overweight" on the BMI scale, which is something I would be proud of, regardless of the reliability of that measurement. 170's and below are really unfamiliar territory for me, as when my weight was that low before, it only lasted a few days or weeks before I rebounded. (Again, I'm nervous) I'm also really excited though, too. I'm hopeful those smaller pant sizes are more forthcoming in the pounds to come!

Here I am so far, as of 6-7 pounds ago. The "before" is from my sister's wedding and the dress was not flattering and I returned it afterwards. My clothes in the second picture are much more form fitting since I had just finished my 12k!

**Edited to add this second set of pictures. I'm wearing the same top in the before/after, but different pants. It's sort of startling to me how LITTLE difference there is after so much work and time.. but I do see the difference. I just kind of have to squint and cock my head to the side a little... ;)

Fitness, Weight Loss & Dieting

I think I've been on a diet since I was 10.

 Taken in February.

In the 5th grade, I distinctly remember having a whispered, worried conversation with my friend Jessica Noble about our weights. Jessica was very tall, and probably a healthy weight for her height, but I was very short. We weighed the same- 100 pounds in the 5th grade. I was very ashamed and she had somewhat similar feelings, best I could gather. We confided in each other for comfort and I felt better.

Not long after this shared confession, I had a conversation with someone in my class and they asked me about my weight.  I, feeling empowered by my shared struggle with Jessica, told the girl flat out what I weighed. The girl was was horrified. (She probably weighed around 45 pounds and was actually probably underweight.) I tried to stick up for myself (aka, I was defensive) by telling her Jessica weighed the same and she looked good. Jess had been pretty matter of fact about her weight so I assumed she wouldn't mind. This little brat marched up to Jess and told her I had said she weighed 100 pounds, same as me. Jessica flat out denied it. Said she had never said that and she didn't weigh anywhere near that amount. She even denied it to me in private later on. I was humiliated. And felt alone! I often did feel alone and isolated in elementary school. Despite the fact I had good friends, I often felt abandoned or excluded, like in this scenario. 

By the time high school came around, I had started restricting my caloric intake to under 1,000 calories a day. But I also had started binging, and eating in secret, hiding food, so I didn't lose any weight. I would secretly do work out videos in my room- until my mom heard the repetitive foot steps upstairs and confronted me about it. She said it was fine I was exercising, she just wanted to know what I was doing. I was so embarrassed and ashamed I denied it, and never worked out at home again. Allowing other people to be aware I was bothered by my weight was very upsetting for me. I don't know why.

When my parents were at work I would secretly run around the neighborhood, or do Tae Bo videos at my dad's house with TV on mute so no one would know. (My dad had a single story house so no footsteps to hear!) But it didn't work. (Or minimally.) I just always felt hungry, and I was alone a lot. My most striking memories from high school are of walking home (a good couple miles over hills), stopping at CVS and buying either a pint of ice cream or a bag of chips. Every day. I'd eat that for lunch in front of the TV watching Days of Our Lives and Sunset Beach. I was a shy kid, I lived with a drug addict for a sibling, and my parents weren't home alot. I didn't want anyone to come to my house, so I did my socializing at school. Outside of school, I mostly hid out at home. It was embarrassing. Our house wasn't that nice, and I was embarrassed of my family. I loved them, but I didn't want to have to explain my sister's problems, or my dad's temper, or my mother's lack of boundaries to anyone.

In college I gained weight in the dorms (of course), and by the time Spring term rolled around, I had re-dedicated myself to losing weight. I started getting chicken breasts and black beans at the DC ("Dining Commons"/cafeteria) and started trying to run/walk again. This time I was more successful and lost somewhere between 20-40 pounds over 7 months or so.

But it didn't last. (It never did.) And the cycle continued. A few times I dropped significant amounts of weight- the most striking being when I really started running (5 miles a day, very, very slowly) and went from over 230 to the 160's. (Around 70 pounds.) But it came back. It took some time, but it did. The one interesting "consequence" to getting my weight down that far was boys finally started paying attention to me. That was new, and I finally started dating- way behind the curve.

Generally speaking, I average about the same weight that I did in high school- somewhere around 200. Sometimes above, sometimes below, but that's the neighborhood my body likes to hang out in. For me, that's about a 14/16 pant size and a Large (sometimes XL, but not usually) top. It's probably good that I've managed to avoid getting even bigger, but I am not happy at this size. My mother used to manage a Diet Center, and has a degree in Family & Consumer Sciences- I don't believe she taught me wrong, but I do believe I self-medicate with food. I know that I struggle with depression, and more recently I've realized that I am a fairly anxious person. I've had issues with anxiety since childhood. But no one ever really caught on that that was the problem. I didn't really learn coping mechanisms until I started therapy Post-Matt. I can recognize when I am having anxiety now, if it is fairly significant, but I've stopped myself with a bowl of Ben & Jerry's a couple of times and thought- "Are you  eating this just because you're trying to avoid working because it stresses you out?"

The answer to that question turned out to be "yes," too.

The fact of the matter is, eating sugar or carbs gives your brain a short term dopamine/seratonin boost. For someone who naturally lacks these hormones (like me), eating those kinds of things- refined carbohydrates- puts my brain back at a "normal" level where I can deal with life more easily.

First, that's sad.

It also makes struggles with your weight really difficult. You need to have effective coping mechanisms for anxiety in place in order to avoid using food as an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication.

I have wondered if I need to be on a light anti-anxiety medication again, just for general maintenance. But I'm not super enthused about doing that. I was on meds for quite a while with the Matt debacle, and also after I left law school the second time. It was rough going. Being on meds also requires a high degree of monitoring. I know what is entailed in that process- it's very effective, but it's also a lot of work.

My inclination is to try and increase my own mindfulness with my anxiety and how it relates to food. This year, I've dropped about 10 pounds  since January (going from a high of 207, to a low of 193, and then bouncing around the 195-197 neighborhood) and that is definitely the slowest I have ever lost weight. I have two thoughts about that- it's good, slower is more effective for long term sustainability- but it's also frustrating because I'm still about the size I always am. Except I'm over 30 and every thing looks different now!

I am consistently active now, and enjoy the activities I do. I'm a lot more social, and depend on friends much more so than I did in the past. I'm also just a lot more confident person. I think those things happen with time, age and experience, but they are also the result of therapy and working out some of that childhood baggage. I want to keep working on this, and I hope that I can report some change and progress in the future.

Amelia the Marshmallow

The last couple of months I have been looking at my baby Amelia and thinking... "You're looking extra plumpy today, Amelia." Um, everyday.

Not just like a "fat day." Like, every day.

After somebody left a MEAN, MEAN, MEAN comment on a video where Toulouse and Charlie Brown were wrestling on You Tube (the person called them both fat and said they were going to die from obesity- the dog only weighs 19 pounds! Toulouse is within a healthy range, big cat, but still okay!) I talked to my dad and then thought the only other being besides myself in this house with a legitimate weight problem- Amelia.

So, I put her on the scale. DUN DUN DUN!

The last time she was weighed, she weighed 14 pounds, same as Toulouse. She just carries her weight differently than him so she looks bigger even though they weigh the same. But, lately I have noticed she has not been cleaning "back there" and wondered if maybe she couldn't reach! (Ick!)

The result... 16.2 POUNDS!

OMG. I died. How did she get so chubby?! She's on weight control food! She is VERY sedentary. (More sedentary than me if you can believe it.) And since we've gotten the dog she's been more isolated, does less, isn't out much. Maybe that's why? I've also felt like we've been going through WAY more food lately.

I'm not sure what to do. Toulouse is really active, so eats and needs to. They have always free-fed, but I guess Amelia needs something different now. I guess I will have to start measuring their food. The problem is Toulouse is such a pig I'm afraid he'll eat it all and leave her nothing. I even have an extra bowl of food for him on the counter (where she won't go) of perscription food and he still eats her weight watchers food. He also yowls insanely if he finds the bowls empty. He will wake me out of a dead sleep to alert me to this DISASTER. If I don't respond to that, or lock him out of the room, then he starts going through the trash or knocking things off the counter to make noise. I swear. Because as soon as I get up he runs over to me and gets all lovey- "Feed me, feed me, I'm STARVING!" If I walk away he gets loud again. Argh!

Anyway, so ideas and suggestions are welcome. I have probably heard them all (separate them, timed feedings, blah blah blah) but maybe there is something new. Maybe I just need a cheerleader!

Next I decided I better take action RIGHT AWAY, so at midnight, about 4 minutes after weighing her and receiving this devastating news (it took three tries to weigh her because she kept cheating and taking one paw off, making it look like she weighed around 10 pounds. But I knew that was wrong!) I put on her pink halter and we went for a walk.

This is what she did:

Shimmied on her belly across the grass, started EATING it, and then waddled back to the house!

What am I going to do with her?!

ONE YEAR

One year ago yesterday, this first picture of me was taken. I know it's not a good picture of my body, but you can see my face at least. I weighed 233 pounds. (I'm in the middle in the blue shirt, my niece Rachel is standing in front of me)

This picture was taken yesterday. I weighed in at 192 pounds this morning, which is 41 pounds in total lost.

One year ago TODAY David and I broke up. I have gone through today "ok" I guess. No tears, no break downs, just a headache, a bath and a couple of naps. I have been REALLY tired with this weird schedule I started staying up until all hours of the night studying and getting up early- I can't seem to break the habit. I was so tired this morning I felt like I had the flu- my body ached, my head hurt, I was shakey- yuck. So I don't think all of that was about David but I suppose it could. I started to get upset when I realized that today, like I did one year ago I went to the Ikea shopping center- David and I went there, and then to dinner, and then for a walk, and then he took me home and then we "talked" for several hours. So when I realized I had inadvertently headed to the same spot, just to run an errand I started to get upset but I stuffed it.

I am unhappy ( in that respect) and I miss him but I guess I am getting better. Sigh. I'd give anything for a hug.