Did anyone else catch this? It was a really cool special. I'm only a couple minutes in, but I"m totally hooked. I haven't seen it before, but it's not marked as new, but it came out in 2011. Since I'm a tv addict, I'm surprised I missed it if this isn't the premiere. I had a hard time finding any trace of it online, and there was nary a mention of it on Lifetime's website until I hand went through their tv schedule and found it, which had no information anyway.
The show follows several couples trying to expand or start their families through IVF, adoption, surrogacy, anything else you can think of. It's really detailed, shows costs, closes up of injections, everything. Up close and personal of how it really is. The woman doing surrogacy lost boy/girl twins she seemed to have conceived naturally and now can't carry children herself. The IVF'er works in nursing in pediatrics or the NICU or something (just missed it). It's a great show. If you can track it down, watch it!
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Users and Selfishness.
The whole time I was in high school and in college I used to fly up, (or in college, just drive over) to my siblings homes and help them take care of their kids, watch their homes, get ready for parties, babysit their animals for a week or two at a time, all kinds of stuff. Water their plants, collect their mail, sometimes commuting 40 miles each way per day back to school to do so. Granted, I did so because it was nice for me too; parties are fun, playing with dogs and cats are nice, getting away and having privacy is great. But these were favors. I wasn't paid. They were at my expense, I was expected to do them, and I received no compensation in terms of money, thank you's, gifts, souvenirs, thank you gifts, flowers, anything like that. I washed their dogs, guarded their homes against rouge ant invasions and cleaned out litter boxes for years.
It never occurred to me that 1.) I would need help like this too someday or that 2.) if I did need help that they wouldn't of course offer it in a heart beat.
Well, here we are, a few years down the road, I don't housesit for my brother anymore, but I still do for my sister (without compensation of course, and it is a HUGE amount of work with 2 cats, 2 outdoor only dogs confined to a dog run who have to be exercised daily, a temperature sensitive fish tank, and outdoor "barrel" fish. (They live in a barrel). They also have a huge array of indoor plants, outdoor potted plants which are not on a drip system, and their cats have vomiting issues, and one cat doesn't eat or is bullied out of eating by the other cat so she has to be fed in private twice daily and supervised.
I asked my sister once to come by my house while I was out of town and simply pet my cats and check on them (I just leave extra food out and many water bowls, the fish tank running like a water fountain, and dare, I say... the toilet seat up in case of emergencies? GAG, but I saw Tootie do it once. Amelia would never do such a thing). She has to commute into Sacramento every day for work and my house is about 10 minutes from her workplace, so since she would be up here anyway, I asked if she could come by to pet them and make sure they were okay once or twice if she had time. She said it was "too far" and she "didn't have time."
A couple months later she bullied me into watching her house. So is that a geographical phenomenon? 10 minutes from your work is "too far" but me driving 50 miles round trip every day to take care of all your animals and plants is just fine?
Now that I have not just two cats, but a dog too, I have an even bigger problem when it comes to petsitting. I can't leave the dog at home. He has to go somewhere. I can't leave him here with extra food and water. He needs to go out to go potty and he needs people. He's not independent. He's the opposite. He's co-dependent.
In December when I first found him, my brother graciously babysat him for 5 or 6 days RIGHT after I found him and I was so grateful. I had nowhere to take him, he didn't have shots, he wasn't fixed, and since I thought he had a home somewhere, I couldn't do any of those things and take him to a kennel because I could get in (legal) trouble with his family for taking away his boy parts. Plus, I only had him for 36 hours before I had to leave. I'm so grateful he took him.
Initially his wife said no though, and my brother overruled her. I think it was fine, and the kids loved him. Charlie stayed with my brother during the day and they locked him up in one of their dog crates if they had to go somewhere. (He did poop in the crate once though. But, mind you, they have a dog who pooped all over their house before they kicked him outside. They have THREE dogs, all BIG dogs, a Pit, a Chow and a Lab, but Charlie is a Beagle, he's little... seriously, what's another dog when you already have that many? Especially when he only weighs 19 pounds?)
I'm going to Washington DC to shoot a wedding in a couple weeks and Charlie needs a babysitter. The last person who watched him, well, their dog attacked him and he had to go to the vet with puncture wounds in his neck and go on antibiotics. (That was after I came back, while he was there, she told me it was okay, but the boyfriend said they had scuffled other times so now I'm not sure). Charlie has severe separation anxiety and is afraid of enclosed spaces. He has a hard time being in a crate and panics when I leave him at home. He really needs to be with people and the best scenario would be for him to be with someone who would be home with him during the day while I was gone. My friend who watched him before has a job now so she'll be gone. If I put him in a kennel, he'll be alone in his cage or "suite" (as they call it) most of the day with a brief play period.
So I emailed my brother and offered to pay him or his daughters to take care of Charlie the 4-5 days I will be gone, emphasizing I know what an inconvenience it is and I so appreciate him taking him before, it's been 6 months since they had him, I figured he'd say no, but I threw it out there hoping. He said no, but his response kind of ticked me off. He said they were way too busy, and his wife was still giving him crap for last time.
I can't tell you how many times I took time out of my life to watch and care for his home, family and animals. This is the second time I have asked him, in 28 years to do a favor for me. And I'm asking him to do it in his own home, not 60 miles away without compensation for gas or asking him to commute every day. (Like he asked me to do all those times). He works from home every day, and he's home alone. When he was with Charlie before, Charlie slept in the office with him all day. That's all he did. When all the kids came home at night, he ran around with them, and played with the other dogs. You're too busy?
Why is the relationship I have with my family so one sided? Why am I expected to do everything, and get nothing in return? Isn't your family supposed to always be there if you need them? If any of these people called me up tomorrow and said they needed help my first instinct would be "Of course! Whatever you need! What can I do?"
When these same two siblings were told about Matt by my dad (he called them up and told them... against my wishes but he said he wanted to tell them so they could reach out and help me and be there for me) they never said a word to me about it and never have. They never reached out, never called, never asked if I was okay. They never hugged me, never acknowledged anything was wrong. I was in an outpatient program at Kaiser for 6 hours a day the first 3 weeks after I found out, and my sister Kristin knew this and never said a word to me. The only thing I ever heard her say about it, is when my dad told her about it, she told him that Matt was an a-hole, which upset me immensely when my dad repeated it to me. I was hurt deeply because I loved him. It had only been a couple of days since I had found out and it was just way too harsh of a reality to have repeated back to me. I loved him, I still do and it's hard to hear hurtful words about him. The man I KNEW was not a bad man. The man he really WAS was someone completely different. But the man she spoke about, was the man I knew, so it hurt. I wished my dad hadn't repeated it to me because it hurt alot to hear. But neither of them ever did anything. I never heard from my brother at all until Christmas, and my sister acted like everything was fine.
My other sister Erin texted me right away and asked if I was okay and offered to fly me down to visit. (She followed this up immediately with, she couldn't afford to fly me down, but she'd find a way.) lol
For the record, I also asked my Dad to babysit Charlie (I'd drive him 400 miles down there, which would also enable me to go to a baby shower of a friend I've had since she was 4 and I was 5), but he said no too. My mom has arthritis and I can't even imagine asking her.
I feel like I am the kind of person who would do anything for anybody (except help them move, don't ever ask me to do that, I haven't even unpacked my own car trunk from when I moved to southern California in 2006, and I moved back to Nor Cal in 2007... the trunk is still packed). But I don't know many who would do anything for me. Definitely not anyone who lives close and definitely not anyone in my family.
What is with that?
It never occurred to me that 1.) I would need help like this too someday or that 2.) if I did need help that they wouldn't of course offer it in a heart beat.
Well, here we are, a few years down the road, I don't housesit for my brother anymore, but I still do for my sister (without compensation of course, and it is a HUGE amount of work with 2 cats, 2 outdoor only dogs confined to a dog run who have to be exercised daily, a temperature sensitive fish tank, and outdoor "barrel" fish. (They live in a barrel). They also have a huge array of indoor plants, outdoor potted plants which are not on a drip system, and their cats have vomiting issues, and one cat doesn't eat or is bullied out of eating by the other cat so she has to be fed in private twice daily and supervised.
I asked my sister once to come by my house while I was out of town and simply pet my cats and check on them (I just leave extra food out and many water bowls, the fish tank running like a water fountain, and dare, I say... the toilet seat up in case of emergencies? GAG, but I saw Tootie do it once. Amelia would never do such a thing). She has to commute into Sacramento every day for work and my house is about 10 minutes from her workplace, so since she would be up here anyway, I asked if she could come by to pet them and make sure they were okay once or twice if she had time. She said it was "too far" and she "didn't have time."
A couple months later she bullied me into watching her house. So is that a geographical phenomenon? 10 minutes from your work is "too far" but me driving 50 miles round trip every day to take care of all your animals and plants is just fine?
Now that I have not just two cats, but a dog too, I have an even bigger problem when it comes to petsitting. I can't leave the dog at home. He has to go somewhere. I can't leave him here with extra food and water. He needs to go out to go potty and he needs people. He's not independent. He's the opposite. He's co-dependent.
In December when I first found him, my brother graciously babysat him for 5 or 6 days RIGHT after I found him and I was so grateful. I had nowhere to take him, he didn't have shots, he wasn't fixed, and since I thought he had a home somewhere, I couldn't do any of those things and take him to a kennel because I could get in (legal) trouble with his family for taking away his boy parts. Plus, I only had him for 36 hours before I had to leave. I'm so grateful he took him.
Initially his wife said no though, and my brother overruled her. I think it was fine, and the kids loved him. Charlie stayed with my brother during the day and they locked him up in one of their dog crates if they had to go somewhere. (He did poop in the crate once though. But, mind you, they have a dog who pooped all over their house before they kicked him outside. They have THREE dogs, all BIG dogs, a Pit, a Chow and a Lab, but Charlie is a Beagle, he's little... seriously, what's another dog when you already have that many? Especially when he only weighs 19 pounds?)
I'm going to Washington DC to shoot a wedding in a couple weeks and Charlie needs a babysitter. The last person who watched him, well, their dog attacked him and he had to go to the vet with puncture wounds in his neck and go on antibiotics. (That was after I came back, while he was there, she told me it was okay, but the boyfriend said they had scuffled other times so now I'm not sure). Charlie has severe separation anxiety and is afraid of enclosed spaces. He has a hard time being in a crate and panics when I leave him at home. He really needs to be with people and the best scenario would be for him to be with someone who would be home with him during the day while I was gone. My friend who watched him before has a job now so she'll be gone. If I put him in a kennel, he'll be alone in his cage or "suite" (as they call it) most of the day with a brief play period.
So I emailed my brother and offered to pay him or his daughters to take care of Charlie the 4-5 days I will be gone, emphasizing I know what an inconvenience it is and I so appreciate him taking him before, it's been 6 months since they had him, I figured he'd say no, but I threw it out there hoping. He said no, but his response kind of ticked me off. He said they were way too busy, and his wife was still giving him crap for last time.
I can't tell you how many times I took time out of my life to watch and care for his home, family and animals. This is the second time I have asked him, in 28 years to do a favor for me. And I'm asking him to do it in his own home, not 60 miles away without compensation for gas or asking him to commute every day. (Like he asked me to do all those times). He works from home every day, and he's home alone. When he was with Charlie before, Charlie slept in the office with him all day. That's all he did. When all the kids came home at night, he ran around with them, and played with the other dogs. You're too busy?
Why is the relationship I have with my family so one sided? Why am I expected to do everything, and get nothing in return? Isn't your family supposed to always be there if you need them? If any of these people called me up tomorrow and said they needed help my first instinct would be "Of course! Whatever you need! What can I do?"
When these same two siblings were told about Matt by my dad (he called them up and told them... against my wishes but he said he wanted to tell them so they could reach out and help me and be there for me) they never said a word to me about it and never have. They never reached out, never called, never asked if I was okay. They never hugged me, never acknowledged anything was wrong. I was in an outpatient program at Kaiser for 6 hours a day the first 3 weeks after I found out, and my sister Kristin knew this and never said a word to me. The only thing I ever heard her say about it, is when my dad told her about it, she told him that Matt was an a-hole, which upset me immensely when my dad repeated it to me. I was hurt deeply because I loved him. It had only been a couple of days since I had found out and it was just way too harsh of a reality to have repeated back to me. I loved him, I still do and it's hard to hear hurtful words about him. The man I KNEW was not a bad man. The man he really WAS was someone completely different. But the man she spoke about, was the man I knew, so it hurt. I wished my dad hadn't repeated it to me because it hurt alot to hear. But neither of them ever did anything. I never heard from my brother at all until Christmas, and my sister acted like everything was fine.
My other sister Erin texted me right away and asked if I was okay and offered to fly me down to visit. (She followed this up immediately with, she couldn't afford to fly me down, but she'd find a way.) lol
For the record, I also asked my Dad to babysit Charlie (I'd drive him 400 miles down there, which would also enable me to go to a baby shower of a friend I've had since she was 4 and I was 5), but he said no too. My mom has arthritis and I can't even imagine asking her.
I feel like I am the kind of person who would do anything for anybody (except help them move, don't ever ask me to do that, I haven't even unpacked my own car trunk from when I moved to southern California in 2006, and I moved back to Nor Cal in 2007... the trunk is still packed). But I don't know many who would do anything for me. Definitely not anyone who lives close and definitely not anyone in my family.
What is with that?
Monday, April 25, 2011
Beagle Bunny Chasing
This is my first video ever with my new camera... SCARY. It's not a video camera... it's a DSLR... which basically means you have all of the complications of shooting manual like a regular camera, (and it was a different brand so I had no idea how to make it work like my regular camera) and then you throw video function on top of that. It was a mess. (And I found I HAD to shoot in manual focus, something I don't do often, but the autofocus didn't do well with Charlie moving around so much. I was trying to shoot the camera in manual mode, but manual focus requires constant attention too, as you can see. It also gives it a bit of a dreamy effect, which I actually kind of like..) The first few times I turned it on I was ready to put it back in the box and ship the darn thing back to where it came from. UGH. But, this didn't turn out SO bad, considering I was walking in grass up to my waist, in wellies, in a couple inches of mud, with the dog barking and pulling on the leash and yanking the camera (and I was carrying both of my cameras mind you). Maybe I will figure this out. That and I belatedly realized the new camera had a 14 day return policy from the day it was received. And I had it shipped to my Mom in Oregon. And it took me about a week to take it out and use it. And another week to try again, and a few more days to look at the return policy. Yeah, so I guess I will keep trying! I like my video though! :)
Thursday, April 21, 2011
California Highway Patrol
I had a hard time writing this post. So hard it's been over a week since I started writing it, stopped, couldn't handle it and had to walk away and I'm trying again today...I think this all happened back on April 9th
First of all, my hair is falling out again. In clumps.
I assume from the emotional stress. It always happens when I am severely stressed and emotional.
Greeeaaat.
Next, my worst nightmare happened on Saturday. On the road to North Lake Tahoe for an engagement shoot, I got going a little too fast on the way down a steep hill and went over the speed limit. In the center divider, there was a CHP in an SVU. As soon as I saw him I knew he was going to pull me over. I slammed on my brakes but I knew it was too late before I even passed him. I was praying, "Please, please, please don't pull me over, I can't handle this, I can't cope with this, it's too soon, it's too soon!" But at the same time I was still slowing down and changing lanes, my heart racing and starting to pant and panic.
He pulled up behind me fast, lights on. I was terrified. I had the dog with me and he started going nuts barking and bouncing around the car. I got all the way over to the side on this really huge shoulder (probably 2-3 lanes wide) and tried to focus on my breathing but I just sounded totally panicky just in my breathing.
When the officer knocked on my window I jumped out of my seat and screamed a little. It was bad.
First I unrolled the wrong window. Then when I unrolled the right window Charlie tried to go after him and I had to hold him back. Then the guy was trying to ask me questions. I tried to answer him and I only got halfway through the first sentence semi-clearly before I couldn't talk anymore and I just laid my head on the steering wheel and closed my eyes and tried to focus on my breathing. In... Out... In... Out. I was trying to go slow, but it must have been pretty fast because the officer interupted me after a minute or so and asked me if I was going to hyperventilate on him. I spoke really slowly and quietly and said I was trying not to. I started to loose it again and started crying and breathing fast and I just randomly blurted out that I was having such a hard time because
"I was engaged last year to a CHP and he died. And I haven't been around anyone in uniform since."
He said he could see why that would be really hard. At the time I didn't even really realize what I had just said, it was so in the moment. Afterwards I was so horrified I wanted to write a letter to the station and tell them the whole story of what really happened to Matt. I felt awful. But talking about it in therapy afterwards I understand better why I said that.
Charlie was still barking and bouncing around and he asked me if he would bite or if he was just protective and I said he was just being protective so the officer started baby talking him and I don't know how much time passed (because I still had my eyes closed and was laying on the steering wheel) but when I looked over next Charlie was bounding over the back seat to bring the guy his little baby stuffed yellow duckie that squeaks and was looking at him with this happy face like, "Play with me!" and then he started trying to climb out the window. (Traitor).
The whole time I couldn't look at him it was so upsetting but I eventually was able to get words out and told him I hadn't been paying attention and I was late and rushing and told him how fast I was going. He said he needed to see all my information but he thanked me for being honest and he would let me off with a warning, and that's when I really lost it. As soon as he said that I just started to hyperventilate and cry hard and I couldn't hold it in anymore. Then he said I was scaring him and he couldn't let me drive like that because I was going to drive my car off the road into a snow bank and I was going to hurt myself or someone else and it wasn't safe. There had been too many crashes like that and I couldn't leave. So I had to promise to stay there until I calmed down and he kept standing there next to the car which just kept making me more upset because it was his uniform, his car, the lights, everything about him just made me absolutely HYSTERICAL. I just could not hold it together any more. I had tried as hard as I could for as long as I could and I had met my time limit and I was just done and I was just bawling my eyes out and I finally told him HE was the problem and he was upsetting me and it wasn't his fault but his uniform was disturbing to me. He said sorry but he kept standing there. Finally he said he would back up his car a ways and wait for me to leave.
I probably sat on the side of the road crying for 15-20 minutes with him sitting behind me. I felt totally paralyzed with him there. When he left I finally felt safe enough to leave. It was awful. I couldn't calm myself down with him there. This is what I have been afraid of all these months. Everytime I hear a siren or seen a police car or firetruck or ambulance I have this instant fear of being pulled over or having to talk to someone in uniform and I just want to scream and cry and run away and I don't feel safe. Him leaving was this huge weight off me and I could finally get away, I could escape the danger he represented to me.
I am so messed up.
We spent a long time talking about this in therapy last week and I was a complete mess. I really lost it. I was so upset talking about it the therapist actually asked me to wait in the office awhile until I calmed down, go in the bathroom, get cleaned up, go for a walk afterwards before I drove. You have got to be kidding me! What has this man done to me! Somtimes I think, I am making such a big deal out of nothing, and then something like this happens and the terror is so real...
I ended up telling my story to someone I talk to in the dog park and her absolute horror at the whole story was just so genuine... her absolute outrage... it just made me feel validated for a moment and I thought... What the hell have I been through?
Regarding me telling the officer Matt died, I talked about that with both my Mom and with my therapist and I got the same conclusion out of both conversations, which is basically that, to me, he died. Although to most people I usually just say I "lost" him to avoid telling the whole story, saying he "died" that day, that word slipping out was really my true feelings slipping out. I stopped living my life the day I found out, I became paralyzed by all of these fears, and I have been waiting for him to come home ever since. I have said it over and over to myself, I've woken myself up crying in my sleep, "I just want him to come home." And Jamie (therapist) leaned forward in her chair last week, and looked me in the face and she said, "He's not coming home." "He's not. He is NOT coming home. He is gone. He's not coming home. He's not coming home."
I felt like my soul died all over again.
I didn't even realize I had been waiting for him all this time. But... if I just keep everything in my house exactly the same as it was, and if nothing ever changes, then maybe he will come back and everything will go back to normal and be okay. It would be like he never went away, he never "died" and this never happened. A year ago, I never could have imagined I would ever be living a life without him. Even with all the ups and downs I knew.. this is the person for me. He told me he would be with me forever. So that's it. He would be. You don't say something like that if it's not true. So it's true. Of course it's true. So how could he not be here right now? If I just wait, if I am patient, and if everything... just... stays exactly how it was when he left, then he will come back.
But that's not true... the Matt I knew died. He can never come back. Even if that man over there in that house, the one with the secret wife and child left them and came here and told me he wanted me... that wouldn't be MY Matt. He might look like him and sound like him... he might even feel like him and smell like him. But he wouldn't be him. Because MY Matt was a good man, and would never have done the things that that man did, and he never would abandon or hurt his family. My Matty died. And I guess that's why I said it.
First of all, my hair is falling out again. In clumps.
I assume from the emotional stress. It always happens when I am severely stressed and emotional.
Greeeaaat.
Next, my worst nightmare happened on Saturday. On the road to North Lake Tahoe for an engagement shoot, I got going a little too fast on the way down a steep hill and went over the speed limit. In the center divider, there was a CHP in an SVU. As soon as I saw him I knew he was going to pull me over. I slammed on my brakes but I knew it was too late before I even passed him. I was praying, "Please, please, please don't pull me over, I can't handle this, I can't cope with this, it's too soon, it's too soon!" But at the same time I was still slowing down and changing lanes, my heart racing and starting to pant and panic.
He pulled up behind me fast, lights on. I was terrified. I had the dog with me and he started going nuts barking and bouncing around the car. I got all the way over to the side on this really huge shoulder (probably 2-3 lanes wide) and tried to focus on my breathing but I just sounded totally panicky just in my breathing.
When the officer knocked on my window I jumped out of my seat and screamed a little. It was bad.
First I unrolled the wrong window. Then when I unrolled the right window Charlie tried to go after him and I had to hold him back. Then the guy was trying to ask me questions. I tried to answer him and I only got halfway through the first sentence semi-clearly before I couldn't talk anymore and I just laid my head on the steering wheel and closed my eyes and tried to focus on my breathing. In... Out... In... Out. I was trying to go slow, but it must have been pretty fast because the officer interupted me after a minute or so and asked me if I was going to hyperventilate on him. I spoke really slowly and quietly and said I was trying not to. I started to loose it again and started crying and breathing fast and I just randomly blurted out that I was having such a hard time because
"I was engaged last year to a CHP and he died. And I haven't been around anyone in uniform since."
He said he could see why that would be really hard. At the time I didn't even really realize what I had just said, it was so in the moment. Afterwards I was so horrified I wanted to write a letter to the station and tell them the whole story of what really happened to Matt. I felt awful. But talking about it in therapy afterwards I understand better why I said that.
Charlie was still barking and bouncing around and he asked me if he would bite or if he was just protective and I said he was just being protective so the officer started baby talking him and I don't know how much time passed (because I still had my eyes closed and was laying on the steering wheel) but when I looked over next Charlie was bounding over the back seat to bring the guy his little baby stuffed yellow duckie that squeaks and was looking at him with this happy face like, "Play with me!" and then he started trying to climb out the window. (Traitor).
The whole time I couldn't look at him it was so upsetting but I eventually was able to get words out and told him I hadn't been paying attention and I was late and rushing and told him how fast I was going. He said he needed to see all my information but he thanked me for being honest and he would let me off with a warning, and that's when I really lost it. As soon as he said that I just started to hyperventilate and cry hard and I couldn't hold it in anymore. Then he said I was scaring him and he couldn't let me drive like that because I was going to drive my car off the road into a snow bank and I was going to hurt myself or someone else and it wasn't safe. There had been too many crashes like that and I couldn't leave. So I had to promise to stay there until I calmed down and he kept standing there next to the car which just kept making me more upset because it was his uniform, his car, the lights, everything about him just made me absolutely HYSTERICAL. I just could not hold it together any more. I had tried as hard as I could for as long as I could and I had met my time limit and I was just done and I was just bawling my eyes out and I finally told him HE was the problem and he was upsetting me and it wasn't his fault but his uniform was disturbing to me. He said sorry but he kept standing there. Finally he said he would back up his car a ways and wait for me to leave.
I probably sat on the side of the road crying for 15-20 minutes with him sitting behind me. I felt totally paralyzed with him there. When he left I finally felt safe enough to leave. It was awful. I couldn't calm myself down with him there. This is what I have been afraid of all these months. Everytime I hear a siren or seen a police car or firetruck or ambulance I have this instant fear of being pulled over or having to talk to someone in uniform and I just want to scream and cry and run away and I don't feel safe. Him leaving was this huge weight off me and I could finally get away, I could escape the danger he represented to me.
I am so messed up.
We spent a long time talking about this in therapy last week and I was a complete mess. I really lost it. I was so upset talking about it the therapist actually asked me to wait in the office awhile until I calmed down, go in the bathroom, get cleaned up, go for a walk afterwards before I drove. You have got to be kidding me! What has this man done to me! Somtimes I think, I am making such a big deal out of nothing, and then something like this happens and the terror is so real...
I ended up telling my story to someone I talk to in the dog park and her absolute horror at the whole story was just so genuine... her absolute outrage... it just made me feel validated for a moment and I thought... What the hell have I been through?
Regarding me telling the officer Matt died, I talked about that with both my Mom and with my therapist and I got the same conclusion out of both conversations, which is basically that, to me, he died. Although to most people I usually just say I "lost" him to avoid telling the whole story, saying he "died" that day, that word slipping out was really my true feelings slipping out. I stopped living my life the day I found out, I became paralyzed by all of these fears, and I have been waiting for him to come home ever since. I have said it over and over to myself, I've woken myself up crying in my sleep, "I just want him to come home." And Jamie (therapist) leaned forward in her chair last week, and looked me in the face and she said, "He's not coming home." "He's not. He is NOT coming home. He is gone. He's not coming home. He's not coming home."
I felt like my soul died all over again.
I didn't even realize I had been waiting for him all this time. But... if I just keep everything in my house exactly the same as it was, and if nothing ever changes, then maybe he will come back and everything will go back to normal and be okay. It would be like he never went away, he never "died" and this never happened. A year ago, I never could have imagined I would ever be living a life without him. Even with all the ups and downs I knew.. this is the person for me. He told me he would be with me forever. So that's it. He would be. You don't say something like that if it's not true. So it's true. Of course it's true. So how could he not be here right now? If I just wait, if I am patient, and if everything... just... stays exactly how it was when he left, then he will come back.
But that's not true... the Matt I knew died. He can never come back. Even if that man over there in that house, the one with the secret wife and child left them and came here and told me he wanted me... that wouldn't be MY Matt. He might look like him and sound like him... he might even feel like him and smell like him. But he wouldn't be him. Because MY Matt was a good man, and would never have done the things that that man did, and he never would abandon or hurt his family. My Matty died. And I guess that's why I said it.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
KCRA 3 Contest
I was nominated for a local news contest for best photographer and am currently ranked 51/ out of almost 400 nominees... I could really use your vote! I wasn't going to do anything about it, but a few of my clients started telling me they had been voting for me, and I was like... well, if they are taking a stand on my behalf and saying all these nice things about me and going out of their way, then, maybe I should be too!
So, if you have a minute, I would appreciate it if you would take a minute and vote! You can either sign up for an account with just your email address and a password, or you can hook it up with your facebook which it does instantly and you don't have to do anything. I think you can vote every day if you wanted to do that, but if you did it just once that would be great!
I announced that I had been nominated earlier today on Facebook and I jumped from being ranke 83 to 51 in a single day, so I think I would gain ranks really fast if people knew about it!
So, if you have a minute, I would appreciate it if you would take a minute and vote! You can either sign up for an account with just your email address and a password, or you can hook it up with your facebook which it does instantly and you don't have to do anything. I think you can vote every day if you wanted to do that, but if you did it just once that would be great!
I announced that I had been nominated earlier today on Facebook and I jumped from being ranke 83 to 51 in a single day, so I think I would gain ranks really fast if people knew about it!
Thank you so much everyone!
Monday, April 18, 2011
Meet me on Monday
1. Caesar Salad or Garden Salad?
Oh, Caesar, all the way! I'm not going to CHEAT like Java though and cross two types of sald though! You can't have Caesar salad with Ranch dressing! That doesn't count as Caesar! lol
My favorite salad though is spinach with dried cranberries, bleu cheese, candied walnuts and champagne vinagrette dressing from Nordstrom. (Yeah, the department store. Mine has a cafe in it that sells bottled dressing???)
2. Will you be watching the Royal Wedding on April 29th?
I think so! I work from home for my wedding photography business so it's almost homework, don't you think?
3. Last thing you spent lots of money on?
I just bought a new back up camera for my business and it has video capabilities which I was hoping would take my business in new directions, but I am currently pretty freaked out because it's really hard to do, and it cost alot and it took alot out of my savings. I'm questioning whether it was so smart now.... I don't know if I was ready to do it. :( Especially since business slowed down ALOT this month. Which is really freaking me out.
4. Window seat or aisle seat?
I do both. It depends on how long the flight is and whether I anticipate having to go to the bathroom.
5. Do you know your blood type?
I don't... but I think one of my parents was typed as O at some point so I might be O. I think one was O and one was A, so I must be O or A!
Oh, Caesar, all the way! I'm not going to CHEAT like Java though and cross two types of sald though! You can't have Caesar salad with Ranch dressing! That doesn't count as Caesar! lol
My favorite salad though is spinach with dried cranberries, bleu cheese, candied walnuts and champagne vinagrette dressing from Nordstrom. (Yeah, the department store. Mine has a cafe in it that sells bottled dressing???)
2. Will you be watching the Royal Wedding on April 29th?
I think so! I work from home for my wedding photography business so it's almost homework, don't you think?
3. Last thing you spent lots of money on?
I just bought a new back up camera for my business and it has video capabilities which I was hoping would take my business in new directions, but I am currently pretty freaked out because it's really hard to do, and it cost alot and it took alot out of my savings. I'm questioning whether it was so smart now.... I don't know if I was ready to do it. :( Especially since business slowed down ALOT this month. Which is really freaking me out.
4. Window seat or aisle seat?
I do both. It depends on how long the flight is and whether I anticipate having to go to the bathroom.
5. Do you know your blood type?
I don't... but I think one of my parents was typed as O at some point so I might be O. I think one was O and one was A, so I must be O or A!
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Dear Abby & Traveling
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I recently returned from a vacation where we had a disagreement regarding hotel service and towels.
Regarding the towels, my wife thinks we should hang them to dry daily for reuse later. I say the cost of washing the towels is included in the price of the room, and I want a fresh towel daily.
The other issue is my wife feels obligated to tip the housekeeping staff. I have never felt that obligation. Not a single housekeeper has been exceptional, regardless of the hotel we stayed in.
We're hoping you could shed some light on hotel etiquette. -- WEST VIRGINIA TRAVELER
DEAR TRAVELER: Your wife appears to be a conservationist. Although you prefer fresh towels daily, many travelers voluntarily forgo this service to help hotels conserve water and save energy. If you prefer to do otherwise, that's your privilege -- and it's not worth arguing over.
As to tipping the housekeeping staff, has it occurred to you that you have never received exceptional service because you never offered a tip? Some hotel guests talk to the housekeeper at the time they arrive to request extra hangers, soap, washcloths, etc. -- and offer a gratuity at that time. And when they do, the staff usually goes out of their way to be accommodating. Try it -- they need the extra money, and they'll spoil you if you let them.
I read Dear Abby every day online and have for years. Before that I read it in the paper.
I was just posting these on Facebook, but I found I has some more things I wanted to say uncensored that I couldn't really say on FB because of who would be reading it so I decided to post it on here too.
In this scenario, I was raised like the wife for sure. You don't waste water, and if you're wrapping a clean towel around your clean body there is no reason for them to have to change the towels. Throwing the towels on the floor totally bugs me. I think it's wasteful. We do the same thing at home- after you shower or take a bath, you hang your towels up, you don't throw them on the dirty floor. It creates more work all around when you do that.
I have stayed in lots of hotels with other people who always do what the husband does here and I have to fight the urge to pick up the towels and hang them up! I actually stayed in one hotel with a gal who threw clean towels on the floor each day so they could be washed again. I have no idea why. But it made me want to scream. I couldn't stand it. I had to keep reminding myself that we are all different and we can each make our own choices and live our lives the way we each choose and that is okay. I don't have to control everything. That's not my job, and I should be able to have the self-control to tolerate someone throwing towels on the floor for a few days like a big girl. But it seriously challenged me and I don't think I did so hot. I really tried though.
*UPDATED TO ADD* Dear Abby just posted a follow up to the above letters! Read on...
DEAR ABBY: I was shocked and angered by the letter from "West Virginia Traveler" (April 16) on towel usage and tipping hotel housekeepers. His priorities and "knowledge" of hotel staff are seriously skewed. This man is taking his peevishness out on hotel employees who can least afford to take it.
The concierge is paid well to deal with disgruntled guests and make things right. The bellman gets tipped to carry a bag from the lobby to your room. If a doorman calls a cab for you, he gets tipped. If there is a restaurant, the servers are tipped.
The one person who is most critical to making your stay comfortable and pleasant is the maid/housekeeper. She is the one who makes sure you have a clean bathroom, fresh sheets and plenty of toilet paper. She does the grungiest job in the hotel, gets paid very little, is rarely thanked in person and is the last to be tipped. She needs these tips more than anyone else.
I make a point of tipping every single day of my stay, and I have always received the best room service imaginable. -- LUANN IN KEENE, N.H.
DEAR LUANN: Thank you for your letter. Housekeepers everywhere will be grateful for your support. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am a housekeeper in a popular hotel chain. Our staff leaves cards in the bathrooms asking our guests to please conserve and hang towels for reuse if possible. Just because you can be wasteful, it doesn't mean you should. -- JENNIFER IN CANADA
DEAR ABBY: "Traveler" said not a single housekeeper has been "exceptional." What about the simple fact that housekeepers clean up his mess during his stay? They take out his trash, refresh his towels and replace used soaps and shampoos. Housekeepers vacuum anything tracked in, remake beds, wipe down the sink and bath/showers.
I can say from personal experience that many hotel guests wouldn't leave their homes in the condition they leave their hotel rooms, and sadly, they feel that it's acceptable. Housekeepers work hard to provide a clean and comfortable room prior to a guest's arrival, and strive to maintain that comfort throughout the guest's stay. In addition, they will fulfill any request within their abilities. I'd say this alone is pretty darn "exceptional." -- GUEST SERVICE REP IN UTAH
DEAR ABBY: Leaving a tip for housekeeping in a hotel is a matter of social responsibility/social justice. A striking majority of hotel maids are women -- many of color, invariably in a lower income bracket and, often, single mothers. They work extraordinarily hard for less than minimum wage in cities where the cost of living is much higher than their incomes. In other words, they are not paid a living wage. Consider it a "mitzvah" (a blessing) to leave a tip. It can make a difference between a family "getting by" and one that is drowning. This is about doing the right thing. -- AN M.D. IN MONTE SERENO, CALIF.
I remember my sister in law told me when she was young they only used the towels in their house once and then washed them, and that she learned about hanging up towels and reusing them at our house. (She dated my brother from HS on.)
No judgement today though... Do you hang your towels up at home? Do you hang up them in hotels?
Regarding the towels, my wife thinks we should hang them to dry daily for reuse later. I say the cost of washing the towels is included in the price of the room, and I want a fresh towel daily.
The other issue is my wife feels obligated to tip the housekeeping staff. I have never felt that obligation. Not a single housekeeper has been exceptional, regardless of the hotel we stayed in.
We're hoping you could shed some light on hotel etiquette. -- WEST VIRGINIA TRAVELER
DEAR TRAVELER: Your wife appears to be a conservationist. Although you prefer fresh towels daily, many travelers voluntarily forgo this service to help hotels conserve water and save energy. If you prefer to do otherwise, that's your privilege -- and it's not worth arguing over.
As to tipping the housekeeping staff, has it occurred to you that you have never received exceptional service because you never offered a tip? Some hotel guests talk to the housekeeper at the time they arrive to request extra hangers, soap, washcloths, etc. -- and offer a gratuity at that time. And when they do, the staff usually goes out of their way to be accommodating. Try it -- they need the extra money, and they'll spoil you if you let them.
I read Dear Abby every day online and have for years. Before that I read it in the paper.
I was just posting these on Facebook, but I found I has some more things I wanted to say uncensored that I couldn't really say on FB because of who would be reading it so I decided to post it on here too.
In this scenario, I was raised like the wife for sure. You don't waste water, and if you're wrapping a clean towel around your clean body there is no reason for them to have to change the towels. Throwing the towels on the floor totally bugs me. I think it's wasteful. We do the same thing at home- after you shower or take a bath, you hang your towels up, you don't throw them on the dirty floor. It creates more work all around when you do that.
I have stayed in lots of hotels with other people who always do what the husband does here and I have to fight the urge to pick up the towels and hang them up! I actually stayed in one hotel with a gal who threw clean towels on the floor each day so they could be washed again. I have no idea why. But it made me want to scream. I couldn't stand it. I had to keep reminding myself that we are all different and we can each make our own choices and live our lives the way we each choose and that is okay. I don't have to control everything. That's not my job, and I should be able to have the self-control to tolerate someone throwing towels on the floor for a few days like a big girl. But it seriously challenged me and I don't think I did so hot. I really tried though.
*UPDATED TO ADD* Dear Abby just posted a follow up to the above letters! Read on...
DEAR ABBY: I was shocked and angered by the letter from "West Virginia Traveler" (April 16) on towel usage and tipping hotel housekeepers. His priorities and "knowledge" of hotel staff are seriously skewed. This man is taking his peevishness out on hotel employees who can least afford to take it.
The concierge is paid well to deal with disgruntled guests and make things right. The bellman gets tipped to carry a bag from the lobby to your room. If a doorman calls a cab for you, he gets tipped. If there is a restaurant, the servers are tipped.
The one person who is most critical to making your stay comfortable and pleasant is the maid/housekeeper. She is the one who makes sure you have a clean bathroom, fresh sheets and plenty of toilet paper. She does the grungiest job in the hotel, gets paid very little, is rarely thanked in person and is the last to be tipped. She needs these tips more than anyone else.
I make a point of tipping every single day of my stay, and I have always received the best room service imaginable. -- LUANN IN KEENE, N.H.
DEAR LUANN: Thank you for your letter. Housekeepers everywhere will be grateful for your support. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am a housekeeper in a popular hotel chain. Our staff leaves cards in the bathrooms asking our guests to please conserve and hang towels for reuse if possible. Just because you can be wasteful, it doesn't mean you should. -- JENNIFER IN CANADA
DEAR ABBY: "Traveler" said not a single housekeeper has been "exceptional." What about the simple fact that housekeepers clean up his mess during his stay? They take out his trash, refresh his towels and replace used soaps and shampoos. Housekeepers vacuum anything tracked in, remake beds, wipe down the sink and bath/showers.
I can say from personal experience that many hotel guests wouldn't leave their homes in the condition they leave their hotel rooms, and sadly, they feel that it's acceptable. Housekeepers work hard to provide a clean and comfortable room prior to a guest's arrival, and strive to maintain that comfort throughout the guest's stay. In addition, they will fulfill any request within their abilities. I'd say this alone is pretty darn "exceptional." -- GUEST SERVICE REP IN UTAH
DEAR ABBY: Leaving a tip for housekeeping in a hotel is a matter of social responsibility/social justice. A striking majority of hotel maids are women -- many of color, invariably in a lower income bracket and, often, single mothers. They work extraordinarily hard for less than minimum wage in cities where the cost of living is much higher than their incomes. In other words, they are not paid a living wage. Consider it a "mitzvah" (a blessing) to leave a tip. It can make a difference between a family "getting by" and one that is drowning. This is about doing the right thing. -- AN M.D. IN MONTE SERENO, CALIF.
I remember my sister in law told me when she was young they only used the towels in their house once and then washed them, and that she learned about hanging up towels and reusing them at our house. (She dated my brother from HS on.)
No judgement today though... Do you hang your towels up at home? Do you hang up them in hotels?
Law school
Apparently my law school class at Lincoln is graduating next month. Someone I'm still friends with posted something about it online. I guess it just slipped my mind. I can't believe it's been that long since I've been in school now. It upset me in a jealous/disappointed in myself/feel like a failure type of way. It's something I haven't thought much about since everything that happened with Matt but I guess it... kind of hurt my feelings? To hear about it. I should have known it was coming because my class at my FIRST law school (yeah, I went to two) graduated last spring, and a friend who started the semester after me graduated at Christmas, so it's been each semester, bam bam bam... You should have graduated, look she graduated, oh wait, you could have graduated here now too.
None of these people have gone through the things I have gone through but it still makes me feel bad.
I don't know what I want any more either.
One thought that has occured to me the last couple of months is that I GUESS that it really is okay to have multiple careers in your life. (Why that didn't occur to me earlier, or why that wasn't okay with me before, I don't know. I have no explaination for my apparent [unknown to me] bias). I could be a photographer for now, maybe stay home for awhile (I'm trying to come around to the M...O... M... thing) and then go back to school and do something else. I could go to school and be a lawyer or something else when I'm in my 40's or 50's or whenever. I could do anything I wanted to. At least, I am trying to focus on that.
I am still, though feeling bad about the high hopes I had coming out of college and my foiled plans. And a little bitter about the people who were able to go straight through and make it happen for them. Why did it work out for them, and not me? Why am I here, and they there?
None of these people have gone through the things I have gone through but it still makes me feel bad.
I don't know what I want any more either.
One thought that has occured to me the last couple of months is that I GUESS that it really is okay to have multiple careers in your life. (Why that didn't occur to me earlier, or why that wasn't okay with me before, I don't know. I have no explaination for my apparent [unknown to me] bias). I could be a photographer for now, maybe stay home for awhile (I'm trying to come around to the M...O... M... thing) and then go back to school and do something else. I could go to school and be a lawyer or something else when I'm in my 40's or 50's or whenever. I could do anything I wanted to. At least, I am trying to focus on that.
I am still, though feeling bad about the high hopes I had coming out of college and my foiled plans. And a little bitter about the people who were able to go straight through and make it happen for them. Why did it work out for them, and not me? Why am I here, and they there?
Monday, April 11, 2011
Meet me on Monday
This weekend was horrible. Horrible. I had a run in with the police. I will post on that later. It did not go well. If you follow this blog you know that that is the absolute worst possible thing that could happen to me for my anxiety and everything that happened to me last year. (Read "Notable Posts" on the sidebar if you are new.)
Meanwhile, back to our reguarly scheduled programming.
1. Who would be your dream celebrity date?
OMG, I cannot even imagine this right now. It sounds horriffic and terrible and awful. Dating? I want to curl up in a ball just thinking about this. No one. Please. Go away.
Who would I have said a year ago? Ugh. Probably no one anyway. Except maybe Gus Pike from Avonlea (been off the air since 1996!). He played the fiddle. I loved that! I always wanted to walk down the aisle when I got married to the love theme between him and Felicity from that show. No one probably has any idea what I'm talking about.
I also always liked Gilbert Blythe. Yes, I'm obsessed with Lucy Maud Montgomery. I've even been to Prince Edward Island. It's a sickness.
2. Do you have any food restrictions?
Nope. I'm a pig. And I go hog-wild.
3. How much time do you take to get ready in the morning?
I work from home so I'm typically unconcious in the morning. What are you talking about.
...If I am getting ready to go somewhere if I'm organized, typically 20 minutes, but I am a major dawdaler so it's really better if I plan a couple hours to get ready... so I can dawdle... lol
4. Sausage or bacon?
BACON! Gimmie that bacon!
5. Do you Google, Bing or Yahoo?
Oh, dude, Google. Is there anything else? Well, actually, there is. I am a HUGE Swagbucks fan. I do actually use Swagbucks first before I google. Swagbucks is a search engine where they randomly award you "swagbucks" when you do a search which you can cash in for amazon.com gift cards, cash or other stuff. No strings. Last year I earned $400 in amazon gift cards which I put towards my new work camera (which was over $2 grand, so that was helpful!) Not to make a huge sales pitch, but I am a HUGE fan of their site.
Here is a sign up link if you are interested! : http://www.swagbucks.com/refer/auntyem4
Or you can click on one of these buttons below. ( If you sign up and win any bucks I do get bonus bucks so I do appreciate you giving it a try! It is kind of like playing the slots. lol) No catches, I swear!
--------------------------------------
Meanwhile, back to our reguarly scheduled programming.
1. Who would be your dream celebrity date?
OMG, I cannot even imagine this right now. It sounds horriffic and terrible and awful. Dating? I want to curl up in a ball just thinking about this. No one. Please. Go away.
Who would I have said a year ago? Ugh. Probably no one anyway. Except maybe Gus Pike from Avonlea (been off the air since 1996!). He played the fiddle. I loved that! I always wanted to walk down the aisle when I got married to the love theme between him and Felicity from that show. No one probably has any idea what I'm talking about.
I also always liked Gilbert Blythe. Yes, I'm obsessed with Lucy Maud Montgomery. I've even been to Prince Edward Island. It's a sickness.
2. Do you have any food restrictions?
Nope. I'm a pig. And I go hog-wild.
3. How much time do you take to get ready in the morning?
I work from home so I'm typically unconcious in the morning. What are you talking about.
...If I am getting ready to go somewhere if I'm organized, typically 20 minutes, but I am a major dawdaler so it's really better if I plan a couple hours to get ready... so I can dawdle... lol
4. Sausage or bacon?
BACON! Gimmie that bacon!
5. Do you Google, Bing or Yahoo?
Oh, dude, Google. Is there anything else? Well, actually, there is. I am a HUGE Swagbucks fan. I do actually use Swagbucks first before I google. Swagbucks is a search engine where they randomly award you "swagbucks" when you do a search which you can cash in for amazon.com gift cards, cash or other stuff. No strings. Last year I earned $400 in amazon gift cards which I put towards my new work camera (which was over $2 grand, so that was helpful!) Not to make a huge sales pitch, but I am a HUGE fan of their site.
Here is a sign up link if you are interested! : http://www.swagbucks.com/refer/auntyem4
Or you can click on one of these buttons below. ( If you sign up and win any bucks I do get bonus bucks so I do appreciate you giving it a try! It is kind of like playing the slots. lol) No catches, I swear!
--------------------------------------
Monday, April 04, 2011
Weepy
I've been finding myself on the verge of tears, or bursting out crying, on a typical day, maybe upwards of 5 or 6 times. Maybe more. Usually I will be quiet and fine most of the day, and then late at night, working on the computer, tv in the background I find myself crying at every little thing.
The culiprit, and cause of this lovely habit has already been unearthed.
I had already been struggling to remember to take my medication a couple months ago. When I went to Vegas for my photography conference, I settled down to get organized and remember my meds. I packed my six pills a day into two colorful plasic cases and put them out in plain sight.
I did good. When I got home, I promptly forgot all about it and went right back to struggling to remember. I got a LOT of half doses as I'd remember at midnight I hadn't taken any medication that day. That is not good.
But it gets even better! (sarcasm) At this point, I'm pretty much off all of my medication completely, including birth control. I am obsessed with birth control. I might as well just tell you this now since I like to yell at anyone who will listen to me about it. (now I shall go off on a tangent internet...)
I HATE periods. I think they are gross, disgusting, messy, expensive and unnecessary. They also make you needlessly emotional. I am not down with ANY of that. So, since... early college? I have taken birth control to make my periods go BYE BYE. That's right. I suspress my periods. (or... I did.) After reading over and over and over again in various women's magazines and in health journals about how there is no medical reason to have a period, and a period while you'r eon the pill isn't a really period anyway, and it doesn't affect your fertility... Well.... BOOYA! I said goodbye to my periods and started taking the pill continuously (skipping the placebo pills) for the next few years. (Okay, more like... 8 years). Because I'm forgetful, I'd average at least one period a year where I will have forgotten to take it and I would end up with one on accident. I would always be bitter and angry and shake my fist in the bathroom over these little "presents" nature would bestow upon me. Periods are gross. Ew.
So, back to my medication talk.... along with my anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication I've been forgetting, I've been forgetting my birth control too. Being on BC really evens out your hormones, ESPECIALLY when you supress your period. (You can't do it on every type of pill out there... you have to be on a kind where you get the same hormone dose each day, something like ortho tri cyclen where the dosages are different each week is a no-no; you'll get breakthrough bleeding. Sorry for the TMI, but this is soooo my favorite subject. You only wish I was kidding.) So at this point, I'm totally off my anti-depressants, totally off my anti-anxiety, and for the first time in almost a decade, totally off birth control. It is not going so hot.
I feel like I'm working ALOT more, which, as I write this, I suspect may have something to do with the fact that alot of my medications make me sleepy. Maybe I've been so productive this last month because I'm not so sedated. That's good! Is crying up to 10 times a day a good trade off for that? Being hormonal and cranky? My anxiety medication I have remembered some of the time, and for that I know I'm not totally off it. That said, I'm starting to get anxious in stores again.
Did I mention this wasn't going well?
About a week ago I tried to start taking my medication again, and took all my doses as I'm supposed to be taking them... and I was laid up with headaches for two days.
Does that mean I need to like, wean myself on to them like they did when I was in the very beginning? Or should I just do my regular doses and try harder? What's the best way for me to help myself remember my meds?
Something else I think contributes to this is the fact I was turned down for an insurance renewal because of my mental health. And my new insurance... my Rx's aren't with them. So when I run out of medication, I have no plan of what to do. Because I've been forgetting, and because I tend to lose stuff, and then order refills because I lost my Rx... I have a small stockpile of medication here, but it won't last forever.
Do I really need to be on this? Maybe I'm just a weepy person as an adult. In my heart I think I know I need to be on all these drugs right now, and on the flip side, I think part of my resistence and issue with "forgetting" is because I am really, so, so ready for this trial to be done with. And it's not. And it's still a long road.
The culiprit, and cause of this lovely habit has already been unearthed.
I had already been struggling to remember to take my medication a couple months ago. When I went to Vegas for my photography conference, I settled down to get organized and remember my meds. I packed my six pills a day into two colorful plasic cases and put them out in plain sight.
I did good. When I got home, I promptly forgot all about it and went right back to struggling to remember. I got a LOT of half doses as I'd remember at midnight I hadn't taken any medication that day. That is not good.
But it gets even better! (sarcasm) At this point, I'm pretty much off all of my medication completely, including birth control. I am obsessed with birth control. I might as well just tell you this now since I like to yell at anyone who will listen to me about it. (now I shall go off on a tangent internet...)
I HATE periods. I think they are gross, disgusting, messy, expensive and unnecessary. They also make you needlessly emotional. I am not down with ANY of that. So, since... early college? I have taken birth control to make my periods go BYE BYE. That's right. I suspress my periods. (or... I did.) After reading over and over and over again in various women's magazines and in health journals about how there is no medical reason to have a period, and a period while you'r eon the pill isn't a really period anyway, and it doesn't affect your fertility... Well.... BOOYA! I said goodbye to my periods and started taking the pill continuously (skipping the placebo pills) for the next few years. (Okay, more like... 8 years). Because I'm forgetful, I'd average at least one period a year where I will have forgotten to take it and I would end up with one on accident. I would always be bitter and angry and shake my fist in the bathroom over these little "presents" nature would bestow upon me. Periods are gross. Ew.
So, back to my medication talk.... along with my anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication I've been forgetting, I've been forgetting my birth control too. Being on BC really evens out your hormones, ESPECIALLY when you supress your period. (You can't do it on every type of pill out there... you have to be on a kind where you get the same hormone dose each day, something like ortho tri cyclen where the dosages are different each week is a no-no; you'll get breakthrough bleeding. Sorry for the TMI, but this is soooo my favorite subject. You only wish I was kidding.) So at this point, I'm totally off my anti-depressants, totally off my anti-anxiety, and for the first time in almost a decade, totally off birth control. It is not going so hot.
I feel like I'm working ALOT more, which, as I write this, I suspect may have something to do with the fact that alot of my medications make me sleepy. Maybe I've been so productive this last month because I'm not so sedated. That's good! Is crying up to 10 times a day a good trade off for that? Being hormonal and cranky? My anxiety medication I have remembered some of the time, and for that I know I'm not totally off it. That said, I'm starting to get anxious in stores again.
Did I mention this wasn't going well?
About a week ago I tried to start taking my medication again, and took all my doses as I'm supposed to be taking them... and I was laid up with headaches for two days.
Does that mean I need to like, wean myself on to them like they did when I was in the very beginning? Or should I just do my regular doses and try harder? What's the best way for me to help myself remember my meds?
Something else I think contributes to this is the fact I was turned down for an insurance renewal because of my mental health. And my new insurance... my Rx's aren't with them. So when I run out of medication, I have no plan of what to do. Because I've been forgetting, and because I tend to lose stuff, and then order refills because I lost my Rx... I have a small stockpile of medication here, but it won't last forever.
Do I really need to be on this? Maybe I'm just a weepy person as an adult. In my heart I think I know I need to be on all these drugs right now, and on the flip side, I think part of my resistence and issue with "forgetting" is because I am really, so, so ready for this trial to be done with. And it's not. And it's still a long road.
Meet me on (a weepy) Monday
1. If you had to eat only one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
I dunno. Probably potatos. :) Baked, fried, stuffed, hashed.... Mmmmmmm.
2. Do you write your blog posts in advance or the day you post them?
Both. For awhile I was so good with my Wednesday wondering posts and had them all prescheduled so I didn't even have to thnk about it for this blog (for my work blog everything is prescheduled, good girl em!) but I fell off the wagon. Usually Meet me on Mondays I write and post live, like this one, or if I haven't written in awhile, I will just post live.
3. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?
Thank goodness no. (knock on wood.)
4. What is your favorite candle scent?
Fruity smells... cucumber melon, or Bath and Body Works Fresh Linen is nice.
5. Coffee or tea?
I like BOTH. I like fruity teas (white tea?) like huckleberry, blueberry, raspberry... very hot and with lots o' splenda. I NEVER drink it though. I think the last time I had tea was when I was sick with a bad sore throat maybe... 18 months ago? I do also really like coffee, but only when you put so much stuff in it it tastes like dessert. :) (Like a frappuchino, or a white chocolate mocha [basically rich white milky hot chocolate with a tiny bit of coffee flavor.]) I really like the smell of coffee too. It makes me think of my mom... she started every day with a cup of coffee all the time I was growing up. I haven't had any regular coffee in a couple years either I think.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
share this post »