Weepy

I've been finding myself on the verge of tears, or bursting out crying, on a typical day, maybe upwards of 5 or 6 times. Maybe more. Usually I will be quiet and fine most of the day, and then late at night, working on the computer, tv in the background I find myself crying at every little thing.

The culiprit, and cause of this lovely habit has already been unearthed.

I had already been struggling to remember to take my medication a couple months ago. When I went to Vegas for my photography conference, I settled down to get organized and remember my meds. I packed my six pills a day into two colorful plasic cases and put them out in plain sight.

I did good. When I got home, I promptly forgot all about it and went right back to struggling to remember. I got a LOT of half doses as I'd remember at midnight I hadn't taken any medication that day. That is not good.

But it gets even better! (sarcasm) At this point, I'm pretty much off all of my medication completely, including birth control. I am obsessed with birth control. I might as well just tell you this now since I like to yell at anyone who will listen to me about it. (now I shall go off on a tangent internet...)

I HATE periods. I think they are gross, disgusting, messy, expensive and unnecessary. They also make you needlessly emotional. I am not down with ANY of that. So, since... early college? I have taken birth control to make my periods go BYE BYE. That's right. I suspress my periods. (or... I did.) After reading over and over and over again in various women's magazines and in health journals about how there is no medical reason to have a period, and a period while you'r eon the pill isn't a really period anyway, and it doesn't affect your fertility... Well.... BOOYA! I said goodbye to my periods and started taking the pill continuously (skipping the placebo pills) for the next few years. (Okay, more like... 8 years). Because I'm forgetful, I'd average at least one period a year where I will have forgotten to take it and I would end up with one on accident. I would always be bitter and angry and shake my fist in the bathroom over these little "presents" nature would bestow upon me. Periods are gross. Ew.

So, back to my medication talk.... along with my anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication I've been forgetting, I've been forgetting my birth control too. Being on BC really evens out your hormones, ESPECIALLY when you supress your period. (You can't do it on every type of pill out there... you have to be on a kind where you get the same hormone dose each day, something like ortho tri cyclen where the dosages are different each week is a no-no; you'll get breakthrough bleeding. Sorry for the TMI, but this is soooo my favorite subject. You only wish I was kidding.) So at this point, I'm totally off my anti-depressants, totally off my anti-anxiety, and for the first time in almost a decade, totally off birth control. It is not going so hot.

I feel like I'm working ALOT more, which, as I write this, I suspect may have something to do with the fact that alot of my medications make me sleepy. Maybe I've been so productive this last month because I'm not so sedated. That's good! Is crying up to 10 times a day a good trade off for that? Being hormonal and cranky? My anxiety medication I have remembered some of the time, and for that I know I'm not totally off it. That said, I'm starting to get anxious in stores again.

Did I mention this wasn't going well?

About a week ago I tried to start taking my medication again, and took all my doses as I'm supposed to be taking them... and I was laid up with headaches for two days.

Does that mean I need to like, wean myself on to them like they did when I was in the very beginning? Or should I just do my regular doses and try harder? What's the best way for me to help myself remember my meds?

Something else I think contributes to this is the fact I was turned down for an insurance renewal because of my mental health. And my new insurance... my Rx's aren't with them. So when I run out of medication, I have no plan of what to do. Because I've been forgetting, and because I tend to lose stuff, and then order refills because I lost my Rx... I have a small stockpile of medication here, but it won't last forever.

Do I really need to be on this? Maybe I'm just a weepy person as an adult. In my heart I think I know I need to be on all these drugs right now, and on the flip side, I think part of my resistence and issue with "forgetting" is because I am really, so, so ready for this trial to be done with. And it's not.  And it's still a long road.