That Name Tag

If you don't know the story of what's going on, you can click HERE for the synopsis, or go to the "Notable Posts" on the right hand column and start at the top to get a gist for what's going on. There's also a summary in my "About Me" and on the topper to this blog.

Part of this interview, and part of my complaint to the CHP about Matt is that he wore a name tag on his CHP (California Highway Patrol) uniform that had the name he was using at the time- Timmons. This turned out to not be his real name as I horriffically found out after 18 months of being together. He had stolen, borrowed or swapped out that name tag with another officer who really does have the last name Timmons.

During the interview, the female sergeant asked me to describe the name tag in as much detail as possible. She told me that in their department, the name tags have decorations on them depending on how long they have been in service, their safety record, etc. All I can really remember about the tag is that it was gold or silver- shiny (I lean more towards gold, but it was dark, so I don't want to say anything for sure, but I thought it was gold.) Anyway, it was shiny, had black or dark lettering and was about the side of an address label- the long skinny kind. (I showed them with my hands the size.)  I remember it being plain.

After the interview, my mind started rolling on this. If they get special new name tags that correspond with their achievements, I bet they don't confiscate or turn in their old name tags, right? I wonder if Matt has an old name tag of Timmon's that he just has, that he was given or borrowed or kept and he just uses or used as his. He didn't have to take the current name tag off Timmon's uniform if that's the case. He could have just used an old one. Anything that had a name on it would have been sufficient. That would have made this alot easier, simpler... logical, don't you think?

And dirty.

I didn't really process these thoughts until afterwards so I didn't mention it in the meeting. So I wonder if the investigators had the same thoughts I did. I hope so.

****

So, I don't know if I should have or not, I'm kind of wishing I didn't, but I googled the CHP name tags and the first few that came up didn't look how I remembered. But then I saw a few that did, so I felt better. I also saw the decoration the lady was talking about, I don't remember that  part of it.

This part upsets me. In the pictures I looked at, the people are all wearing the name tag on their right side. I remember Matt wearing it on the left. Now I feel worried. What if my memory is wrong, or if I"m not remembering it right? Maybe I have it all wrong. I shouldn't have looked at the pictures. I don't want to taint my memory. But that's what I remember. I remember it being on the right hand side when I looked at him, which would be his left side, and his radio being on that side too. I remember looking at that same side of his shirt when we were in Baja Fresh a few weeks later and noticing there wasn't a name tag and noticing there weren't any pin holes in his shirt from the tag either. (Which made me think at the time that maybe he didn't need to wear it or something, if he didn't have pin holes).  After the interview I wondered if maybe it had a magnet back and that's why I didn't see pinholes. But maybe I was looking at the wrong side. But I looked at his uniform all over and I do not remember him wearing a name tag that day! I don't! There wasn't one there! And in that first meeting in Kinder's the BBQ place, when I saw the name Timmon's on his shirt, I remember it being on his left side. But what if I am wrong? Now I feel so worried and anxious. Now maybe they won't believe me because I got this wrong, but that's still what I remember. When I look at these pictures of the uniforms it doesn't look right. The tag goes on the other side, his left.

I shouldn't have looked it up. Why did I do that? :(

Frustrated and wanting more.

I took the time to email the investigator the remainder of the information that had not been reviewed in the interview, and forward him all of the images of accidents they had asked for. What did I get in return?

"Received by Sergeant So and So."

That was it.  For ALL of them, including the at least two page note including additional facts and details that had been missed the first time around. I could have used a little more than that. How about a, 'thank you for the additional information, I will add it to our notes, we will contact you if we need more'? Something more than RECEIVED?

I would have been okay with the received until I got the last email from him maybe 30 minutes to an hour later responding to a secondary note I included about the time Matt pulled me over "for a non-enforcement reason" as they called it. I also asked if I could be notified before or when Matt finds out about everything so I would be prepared in case he or someone in his family contacted me. He did respond to that, but what he said was No, and that Matt would be told to not contact me.

 I'm sorry, but that's not good enough. I want to know if he's going to find out about this in six months or in six weeks or six days.  I can't sit here for the next however many weeks not knowing if he knows, and watching my back! I can't drive into Woodland (where he lives!) and meet clients and shoot weddings (of which I have TWO this year) and be afraid if he or his family sees me that they'll come after me because they'll know I turned him in. I can't, I can't, I can't. Not good enough. I need more information, I need to prepare. I feel seriously freaked out and I really do not trust the investigators anymore. I didn't trust them to begin with, but now I feel so freaked out I really don't. I know that I am triggering right now, and getting myself all upset over something probably someone else wouldn't, (gee, thanks Kaiser for the over-education), but this feels real to me and my concerns feel real. Just telling Matt, "You better not contact her!" and waggling their index fingers isn't good enough!

I want an attorney. I feel panicky. I want to file civilly, I want to do it quickly, before he has time to react to this. But I feel like it's already too late to do that because I already interviewed and turned him in.

::waving hands wildly in the air like a hysterical person::

I'm not ready for all this crap, I can't deal with it, I want it to all go away. Make it go away, I can't do it. Somebody else, please, PLEASE just take care of it. Just make it go away. I am begging you, make it go away. I can't freaking handle it for one more second, I need a break! I have been up all night worrying and stressing, I just can't settle down. I just want it to stop. Make it go my way. Please. Make it go my way. Protect me and make it all be okay. Why can't I just know that it will?

Meet me on Monday: Nacho Mania

1.  What is your favorite food?
Avocados. Guacamole and chips specifically. Love nachos too. I love the smooth and crunchy contrast. Dirty little secret? I LOVE fake cheese, the nacho cheese. Like Tostitos Nacho Cheese/Queso. Oh, it's so good! I don't like nachos with real cheese! Well, I do, but it's just not as good. I want the oohey, gooey runny fake stuff. Mmmmm. lol

2.  What color scheme is your bedroom?
White. In the past I have done reds (Pottery Barn's Poppy set, purchased off eBay and made my own duvet with a cheap $5 Walmart flat sheet), and blues, but I was really inspired by Charlotte York's white bedroom/house on Sex & the City and I liked how peaceful it looked. My walls are yellow, but the curtains are a flimsy, flowy white, I have a white decoratively pleated duvet cover, and a light gray bedskirt. I really like details on fabric, made out of fabric. Like pleats! Or ruffles. Things like that.

This isn't my room, (my room is tiny and full of crap) but when I have a house, something similar to this would be my goal, and my bedset itself is the same.I would want something softer, this has a touch of a western feel with some of the ivory touches and the blind treatments, but you get the idea.

3.  Do you carry a donor card?
I have the sticker on my driver's license. My dad's wife had a liver transplant last year. She had a rare and severe allergic reaction to a commonly prescribed antibiotic and it shut down her liver and put her into full liver failure in about 3-4 weeks. (She was NOT a drinker or drug user or anything like that. This was a horrific, one in a million freak side effect/accident). Luckily she got a transplant (from a twenty-something drug addict who overdosed in a park...) and is currently stable. She will be on huge amounts of medication for the rest of her life and her immune system is so suppressed a cold could be fatal because she has no way to fight it because of the medications she's on, but she has had a stellar recovery and has been very lucky. Since the transplant she and my dad got married and she is planning on retiring this summer. (Or so she says. It just keeps getting postponed but she says she means it this time.) Thank goodness the drug addict had the sense to do this one good thing in his life. A lost soul, but he ended his life in a way that saved so many others. Carry a donor card! You have no idea how many people you could save by doing so, and doing it yourself encourages others and that is so important.

4.  In your opinion, is the glass half empty or half full?
Right now, half empty. I am so upset with my life right now. Is that more optimistic than saying I hate my life? I am upset with my life. This week, these last few days... this MONTH, this YEAR... when is it going to be over? How much longer? How much longer will I have to endure this? Can someone just tell me? "Are we there yet?" If you could just tell me how much longer, it would just help so much... please... :(

5.  Vanilla or Chocolate?
Depends on the context. Vanilla shakes, yes. Chocolate candy bars, yes. Chocolate ice cream, yes. Fast food restaurants tend to do a crappy job at chocolate shakes so I always go for Vanilla. 

Betrayal: After the Interview

Maybe if I can just.. think of him as having really passed away. If he is really gone, if he is not on Earth any more, than what I have done has not betrayed him. If I can just accept that he is gone and doesn't exist anymore and that this isn't him, that I am not talking about him, that I did not sit in that room, and shake and cry and tell those officers all of the things he did... maybe it will be better. If I can just grieve him, grieve my loss of him, and just miss him in the way my heart misses him, then maybe the pains and pangs of betrayal and hurt won't be so terrible. It is so terrible. I can't even tell you how terrible it is. When I left the house, the last thing I did was listen to Stephanie Nielson's video from her blog, as I have many times, and I drew peace from that. I've seen it so many times I didn't need to watch it. I walked out of the house thinking, "He is at my right hand and at my left. My right hand and at my left. My right and my left. Right and left. Right and left. Right and left." Over and over again. It is one of the most terrible things I have ever done.

"When suffering, we may in fact be nearer to God than we’ve ever been in our entire lives. That knowledge can turn every such situation into a would-be temple.


Regarding our earthly journey, the Lord has promised:

I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up. [D&C 84:88]


That is an everlasting declaration of God’s love and care for us, including—and perhaps especially—in times of trouble."

Elder Holland

Today is the big day.

This morning I will be going in for my interview with two of the investigating sergeants. We are meeting at an engineering firm in a business/industrial district that has no affiliation with the CHP or the state as far as I can tell. I have no idea how they managed to coordinate doing this interview on private property. It is pretty strange.

My mother flew in this afternoon and will be there for at least part of the interview for moral support. I asked the sergeant if it was okay that she be there and he was actually really negative and discouraged her presence. This was primarily due to the same concerns I had- that I would hold back or edit myself in front of her; their concerns were about being able to ask me absolutely anything they wanted to, apparently. (Whatever that means?) He also said she absoutely cannot speak or emotionally react to anything that is said, that I can't be comforting or dealing with her. There are honestly some things I really don't want to talk about in front of her and have debated about her presence. I have a friend who I really, REALLY wanted there (Al) but she can't because she's not local so I guess I should be grateful my mom could be there.

Mormon missionaries stopped by today while I was going through old letters between Matt and I. I thought the timing funny.

Having some problems with my mom triggering anxiety episodes in me. My mom is conservative and proper, but at the same time I'm her adult daughter, so she thinks certain things are okay to do in front of me and they just really upset me. Like she started changing her clothes in front of me. And her feet were bothering her after she got up from a nap and so she was trying to stretch them and they were up in the air, and it just was a very awkward body position.... She also has this habit of always sitting in the car with her hand between her knees/thighs and because her legs are so short, it has always bothered me just because of how it looks, even though she is just tucking her hand between her knees to keep it warm as a habit. Like someone would sit on their hands. All of these things, together and as a whole, all trigger red flags of *SEXUALITY*  and completely and totally freak me out. Honestly, when she started to change her clothes I cried and had to stand up and face the wall and ask her to stop. I felt like a lunatic. Like, seriously, it's my mom changing clothes to go to the dog park. Or she's stretching her leg. Or warming her hand, and it all means, like nothing, but when I see those things, instead of seeing normal things someone does in private, my whole body freaks out and screams something sexual is going on and I need to run away because something very bad and very wrong is happening. It is totally and absolutely because of Matt.

We had this little breakthrough over the weekend, I remembered this instance when I had hugged Matt when he was on duty and he had his bullet proof vest on and he made kind of an "Awwww, shucks!" noise and I asked him what was wrong and he said because of his vest he couldn't feel my body the same way when he hugged me. Basically, he made hugging, a totally normal, platonic, but loving act as partly sexual. This is probably why hugging has been such a trigger to me and why it upsets me so much. My sister's long term boyfriend/partner hugged me goodbye over Christmas and I had a panic attack in the car and couldn't stop wiping my chest, like I couldn't get myself clean, I couldn't get the flithy shame and dirt off my body even though nothing happened... that it was innocent.  I've progressed to the point where I can tolerate a hug without the other person realizing how upset I am (this is primarily with men) and keep calm, but in my head, it is all hysteria still. But outwardly, I am handling it much better these last few months.

Anyway, going through all those letters and papers the last couple of days in preparation of this, and it bringing all of that stuff up again and basically triggering it. So my mom doing those things is absolutely making me hysterical. I am so grossed out and feel dirty and want to scream. For absolutely ridiculous, nonsense reasons.  Just don't ever put on a sweatshirt or something in front of me or brush your hair or I might pass out in terror thinking you're trying to assault me.  I mean, come on! But... I am so serious. I feel sick, I feel so disgusting.

My therapist said (before my mom even got here or any of those things happened) that I am just being triggered right and left because of the interview. I spent the last 24 hours trying to confirm the person doing the interview really is who he says he is. I couldn't find him on the state's website and I was having these overwhelming feelings of paranoia that he wasn't a real police officer, because why else couldn't I find him on the website? After spelling his name about 20 different ways I finally got it to come up, but it really didn't provide any relief in my anixety.

I am just so afraid for tomorrow. (/This morning)

Meet me on Monday "I talk to the trees..."

1.  What feature of the opposite sex do you notice first?

Before I was victimized I would notice faces and just overall appearances first. Just an overall impression and stance, like if they had a happy stance, way of being and such. Does that make sense at all? Since everything has happened, I notice their presence and go head down and turn away, cross my arms. I get really physically defensive, whether I am aware of it or not. I am usually aware of it, but sometimes I don't even notice myself tense up.

2.  Do you talk to yourself?

Occasionally. More often I sing to myself. I like to talk to the animals. But talking just to me, myself and I... It isn't like absent minded muttering, it's a conscious choice of giving myself a pep talk, or calling someone a bad word under my breath. lol

3.  What is your current relationship status?

Um... Traumatized? Is that a status? Or... "Stay Away"  How about... "Touch me and die"?

4.  Do you have a garden?

  

This plant is triple this size now... this is from last year and in a MUCH bigger pot. I'm in Southern California shooting a wedding right now, so I'll try to take some fresh pictures when I get home.

Of course. Mostly just flowers, hydrangeas, potato bush, bulbs- daffodils, snowdrops/galanthus, tulips, hyacinth, all of which are now fried by the sun. Also have some catnip, various flowering weeds I sometimes let grow just for the greenery since everything grows in pots on the porch and flowering weeds are better than empty pots, and then I have a giant strawberry plant that unexpectedly took over a pot much bigger than I planned on giving it and it's flowering and has tiny green berries. Lovely. Wish I didn't have so much sun on my porch... my guys like shade- and I like shade plants. Oh, and I have a blue agave from an ex boyfriend that has hung on all these years. :)

5.  What is your favorite licorice flavor?

 If I could ever find it, it would be HUCKLEBERRY! But I like all kinds, black, red, raspberry, strawberry, watermelon, they're all good to me!

Not what I expected

The sergeant conducting the investigation called me day before yesterday. I have to have an in-person interview. I did not take it so well, to say the least.

They are being fairly accommodating, and he said they would not come in "black and whites" (patrol cars?) and I asked if they would have to wear uniforms and he said they wouldn't. He said we could do it in a public place, but semi-private so it wouldn't be embarrassing for me if I got emotional. There will be two sergeants there, and the second sergeant is a woman, which will be helpful for me. I still have so many problems being around men... I appreciated that. He said it would be recorded and that we could do it in my home. (Which I totally and adamantly declined. No way. I do not want that memory of them being in my home. It would feel violating, and I already feel confused enough because I feel like I am betraying the man I was in love with and in a relationship with, my partner, by doing this. I don't want them in my home. Also, it looks like a hoarder lives here. Nobody wants or needs to see that.)

I really felt like I wanted somebody there with me, and when I was talking to my mom about the interview she just announced (without me asking or expressing it) that she was buying plane tickets and would come to be with me. On the one hand it was such a huge relief. I can't believe my family is finally coming through for me and finally, without even asking is just being there to support me, done and done. On the other hand, I am worried about having to discuss some aspects of what happened in front of my mom. I'm not sure I am comfortable with that. I haven't told her everything and there are some things you just don't talk about in front of your parents. There are lines and boundaries and I am sure those things are things that will come up and I don't know if I should ask her to leave for those parts or just buck up and talk about it in front of her. It kind of makes me think about Elizabeth Smart. Her parents, in all these years never knew what happened to her or what the Barzee's did to her until she got up on the stand and testified at the trial. She never told them and they never asked. It's the same kind of thing. Like the handcuff thing. He handcuffed one of my wrists once as a joke. I don't want to tell my parents that. I don't know if I can speak totally freely in front of her but on the other hand I want someone there and she already bought the tickets.

I am terrified of doing this. I never thought I would have to be interviewed in person. I thought the big event here would be a phone call or a letter in the mail confirming details. I never thought this would be part of it. I wasn't prepared for this. I just laid in bed and cried after I talked to the field supervisor and he told me. I also went and got the stuff to make turkey sandwiches again. (Which is all I ate for months after I first found out.)

Meet me on Monday: Reading in the Can

1.  What is was the last piece of candy that you ate?

A reese's a few days ago.... I was naughty.

2.  Do you "read" in the bathroom?

Is "read" code word for something grosser than just reading?

3.  I can't stand when someone _________?

Makes repetitive noises... Clicking tongues, shaking feet, tapping toes, sucking noises, humming... small repetitive noises. I remember we had to write reports on each other in the 7th or 8th grade and this was included in the interview about me. It STILL bugs me.

4.  Do you do daily, weekly or monthly grocery shopping?

Probably bi-weekly or every three weeks, sometimes weekly. I'm a random sort of gal. And yet some days I'm in there everyday.

If you haven't already, I re-wrote and posted my personal story right here, today. I could use some support, so thank you for being here. 

Let's back up a little.

  

If you click on any of the highlighted text in this post, it will take you back to some old posts that tell the story of what happened as it was happening. For more information on any part of the back story, you can click on any of those links.  My "Notable Posts" are always listed on the right hand side of this page and will take you to the "biggies."

***If you have looked at this post before, I have since updated (as of 9/2/14) ALL of the links and they should now work. If any don't, please leave a comment and let me know the problem, thanks!****

I had a big post on Friday, but even one of my oldest readers, who was here before anything ever even happened wasn't sure what was going on, and so many of you are new, I think I better back up a little bit.

From January 2009-August 2010 I dated and was in love with a wonderful man who loved me very much. He went through a tremendous amount of  trouble, grief, and despair on an almost on-going basis from just a few months into our relationship which added some strain and of course drama. He was also a police officer and has some crazy work hours.  I wasn't a fan of any of these things, and it was stressful, but he was so loving, so charming, and so deeply committed and in love with me, and I with him, that I knew that we would always be together and spend the rest of our lives together. We discussed whether I would take his name, or hyphenate mine with his, when we would get pregnant, have babies, how many, what kind of ring I wanted, how much he would spend on that ring, on and on. I even contacted vendors and made preliminary budgets for the big day.

August 3rd 2010 I found out everything he had told me was a lie. The only thing he had been honest about me with was his first name (Matt), and his occupation (police officer.) Everything else about himself- high schools, college he attended, where he grew up, families names, friends names, stories about a friend being killed in the line of duty, all of the "trouble, grief and despair" he had gone through had all been made up. He even lied and said his father suffered a debilitating stroke and that he had to move two hours away to help care for him. Not true. The most explosive things I found out were that he had lied to me about his name- his name that we debated about hyphenating was not even his last name- he had "stolen" that name and identity from another officer he knew- and the fact that he was married and the father of a baby girl. She had apparently been born 10 days before we started dating.

I had no idea. And it wasn't easy to figure any of these things out. It took only a few days, but it took 20+hours on the computer digging through county maps and public records and white pages to find all of this out. Even then I had no idea where it was going. It wasn't until I saw her face starting back at me from the computer screen that I realized what he had been hiding from me all this time. There had always been a perfectly logical, plausible and understandable excuse for why I hadn't met his parents (father was so ill!), or been to his home (quickly rented out once the father became ill!). I never saw it coming. Even now, looking back, everything he told me could have been true. It could have just been a great guy with a string of bad luck in his family and personal life.

Healing from this has been exceedingly difficult and I have not made it very far. I do eat now (I almost stopped eating entirely at first and lost 20 or more pounds over 2-3 weeks), and I can leave the house. I'm not guaranteed to have a panic attack if I walk into a store as I was back then, and although I still can't stand the touch or feel of being hugged by men, I can stand closer to men I know now without feeling like my throat's closing in. I have a chronic fear of police and uniforms. I go to therapy twice a week. I cry alot. I'm confused all the time. I still love the man I was with for those eighteen months and I mourn his spiritual death and disappearance from my life.  He was a beautiful match and partner for me and I miss him very much. Reconciling the man I loved with the monster who did that into a singular being has been one of the most difficult hurdles. I'm still not there yet.

Last week I finally took the steps I needed to take and filed a complain with the state and reported Matt to the Office of Investigations within the police department for his conduct. Impersonating another officer, stealing name tags, signing credit card receipts in other people's name and overall exhibiting behaviors of someone who is likely a pathological liar are probably not ideal habits of someone you want to be able to swear in on a witness stand several times a month to "tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth."

That is where I am at now and it is a very scary place. I cried on and off over the weekend, worrying about what will happen. The Captain of his department should receive my complaint by today, and then the investigation will start. I'm afraid of retaliation. I'm afraid of them finding a reason to sue me. I'm afraid of hurting Matt. I'm afraid he will get in trouble. I'm afraid he will lose his job, or his career. I'm afraid of hurting his family. ...I'm afraid he will do this to someone else. I'm afraid he already has. I'm afraid they won't do anything at all and he will get away with it.

I have therapy this morning, so hopefully I can get some of this off my chest and talk about it. I didn't make the decision or even consider it or discuss it until after therapy last week so she doesn't know yet. I'm feeling okay right now, which is why I was able to write this pretty clearly, and unemotionally; I'm feeling detached, but the floodgates will open after my appointment and well... let's just hope I don't drown. :(

Any other questions?

I turned him in.

Probably not what you were expecting. Kind of out of left field. I mailed it yesterday right before the post office closed. I told them everything he did, including possibly stealing the other officer's name tag. I cried the whole way there and most of the way back. I had so much anxiety I couldn't sleep at all last night, which is very bad because I have to drive 4 hours through mountains to shoot a wedding today- in bad weather.

Putting his Captain's name on the envelope made it very real, very scary and very upsetting. I was afraid to put my own return address or name on the outer envelope- what if somehow he saw it or intercepted it? To my understanding, this will first be investigated by his office and is being sent there. So I used another address he wouldn't know and no name on the envelope.

I'm afraid something will happen, and just as afraid, if not more afraid that nothing will happen.

GRE

I still feel like I don't have a clear answer on what I should do about the GRE. I had therapy yesterday and today (Tuesday and Wednesday- I always blog in the middle of the night so this might be confusing for you when I say "today" and it's 2am; I mean Wednesday still even though it's after midnight now.)

Anyway, I had therapy yesterday and today and I never managed to bring up any of the GRE stuff that has been on my mind because we were so busy talking about other stuff and I left the appointment with still a thousand other thoughts in my head and I had to call my mother on the way home (who is an MFT) and make her let me talk and finish my thoughts I was wanting to have with my therapist since I wouldn't be able to until Monday and it was important.

So I don't see the therapist until Monday and the GRE class starts Tuesday and I am afraid every day I wait that the class could fill up. I keep worrying but I still don't know what to do. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO! I can't think straight; I don't know what I want, I don't know if I'm ready, I don't know how to tell, or how to figure this out for myself. I NEED HELP. But I am on this huge time crunch and WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

I have to leave in 2 days for another out of town wedding in Yosemite National Park this time.

How can I figure this out? What do you do to figure things out? I don't know how to do this anymore. I know it is so basic to make a decision, but I don't know how to anymore. :(

Wordless Wednesday: Hail Attack!

I'm sorry, is it June or NOVEMBER?

 

Charlie is not sure what to think of being pelted by huge frozen rocks while trying to do his business on the front lawn.  He is thinking real hard. He is also pretty sleepy.



OOPS! Hit on the nose by hail. He's awake now. He's also going potty. I censored this image for you. You're welcome. For another post on censoring.... go here.


You can actually see it coming down in this one!


I took these a couple weeks ago. It rained yesterday too; it's been raining all the month of May! Everybody has been complaining- rain and hail in California in summer? It's supposed to be 100 degrees right now! But I am like, DUDE! I'll take winter weather to hide my holiday turkey fat any day!

Double Dose

As honest as I am on this blog, if you can believe it, I don't share everything. In fact, there's a lot I don't share.  Which is hard because I'd really rather put all of my thoughts in one place and just get it ALL out, but because of who some of my audience is, I feel like I have to censor myself. (So, yeah, it's even worse than this!)

I was in therapy last week and ended up running thirty minutes over our hour long session. That's right, I talked for a straight hour and a half. Pretty much all I talk about in therapy is what happened. Once in a while I will bring up some other issue that has come up, but mostly, all I talk about is Matt and all of this issues related to him. I've been in therapy ever since I found out, and have been seeing this therapist weekly since October or so. And still even now, I have so much to process and talk about, I'm running over on our sessions.

This week, we changed our schedule and we're starting to have me come in twice a week. I came in on Tuesday, and I'll come in again Wednesday, and then I have appointments next week for Monday and Wednesday. This is going to get to be expensive for me. But what else do I do? I have felt like since I started therapy that I needed to be seeing someone more than once a week but I felt like I couldn't afford it. That situation doesn't seem like it's ever going to change unless I get better and I can't get better without more help. (On a side note, feel free to click on my google ads- the boring texy looking ads- not the fancy graphic ones- on the right hand side- I get like a $1 every time you click on them!! I am very close to getting a check! [You only get a check when you get up to a certain dollar amount.])  It's a good thing my therapist is very, very cheap. That is a HUGE blessing.

For our GRE update for the day, I read almost all of the introduction to the Princeton Review GRE book, and browsed through some pages on fractions, and couldn't understand any of it. Can any one let me borrow their 3rd grader so they can teach me fractions?! I haven't done fractions since 3rd grade and I never got them back then anyway!

My flashcards also came in the mail today. Super fast shipping!

A friend of mine from law school who just graduated, and passed the bar on the first time (just got the results a couple weeks ago), is also apparently certifiably insane and for some reason is going to take the GRE in July and asked to get together and study. (Why, she is taking the GRE now that she is an attorney and just got out of law school I have no idea!) She is really smart, and really hard working- like, her brain runs 10x faster than anyone else's so she's really hard to study with. (I used to study with her in law school). I think she must drink too many energy drinks, or she's on Ritalin or something! LOL She's TOO focused to be normal.

So... I have books, and flash cards and someone to study with.

But I still don't know that I am ready to jump! I am still hesitating. I need a shove off the diving board, or I need someone to grab me off the platform, give me a towel and tell me to go sit down until I'm ready.

I just don't feel confidant in making decisions for myself anymore. I don't trust myself. I don't trust my abilities anymore. I don't trust my judgement. I don't know what to do.