Not what I expected

The sergeant conducting the investigation called me day before yesterday. I have to have an in-person interview. I did not take it so well, to say the least.

They are being fairly accommodating, and he said they would not come in "black and whites" (patrol cars?) and I asked if they would have to wear uniforms and he said they wouldn't. He said we could do it in a public place, but semi-private so it wouldn't be embarrassing for me if I got emotional. There will be two sergeants there, and the second sergeant is a woman, which will be helpful for me. I still have so many problems being around men... I appreciated that. He said it would be recorded and that we could do it in my home. (Which I totally and adamantly declined. No way. I do not want that memory of them being in my home. It would feel violating, and I already feel confused enough because I feel like I am betraying the man I was in love with and in a relationship with, my partner, by doing this. I don't want them in my home. Also, it looks like a hoarder lives here. Nobody wants or needs to see that.)

I really felt like I wanted somebody there with me, and when I was talking to my mom about the interview she just announced (without me asking or expressing it) that she was buying plane tickets and would come to be with me. On the one hand it was such a huge relief. I can't believe my family is finally coming through for me and finally, without even asking is just being there to support me, done and done. On the other hand, I am worried about having to discuss some aspects of what happened in front of my mom. I'm not sure I am comfortable with that. I haven't told her everything and there are some things you just don't talk about in front of your parents. There are lines and boundaries and I am sure those things are things that will come up and I don't know if I should ask her to leave for those parts or just buck up and talk about it in front of her. It kind of makes me think about Elizabeth Smart. Her parents, in all these years never knew what happened to her or what the Barzee's did to her until she got up on the stand and testified at the trial. She never told them and they never asked. It's the same kind of thing. Like the handcuff thing. He handcuffed one of my wrists once as a joke. I don't want to tell my parents that. I don't know if I can speak totally freely in front of her but on the other hand I want someone there and she already bought the tickets.

I am terrified of doing this. I never thought I would have to be interviewed in person. I thought the big event here would be a phone call or a letter in the mail confirming details. I never thought this would be part of it. I wasn't prepared for this. I just laid in bed and cried after I talked to the field supervisor and he told me. I also went and got the stuff to make turkey sandwiches again. (Which is all I ate for months after I first found out.)