More Airport Drama

I flew to Southern California on Saturday for my high school reunion. The whole day sort of started out on the wrong foot; I forgot my dog's shot records at home and the boarder wouldn't take him without the updated records in hand (no faxes) and I had to drive all the way back home with the dog to get it, drive him back, check him in, and then dash to the airport.

When I got there, I found they had moved Southwest from the old terminal to a new one, with a tram and a huge who-knows how many stories vaulted ceiling interior with glass windows- fancy. Like Dulles. Also like Dulles, it has a tram. (Gosh what a waste of money for such a small airport that never has any lines!)I was thrown off right from the start, and it only got worse when I got to security.

They didn't have the old metal detectors... They only had the new ones that scan your whole body. The kind I am afraid of and had to have therapy sessions specifically for last February (when I went to Las Vegas for WPPI) to prepare... and then didn't have to go through them.

 

Images of body scans... Some are fake, some are real, I don't know which are which, but all look horrible to me.

I broke out in a cold sweat and was afraid I was going to freak out when I realized there was no getting out of this and that I was going to have some strange man look at some scan of my body and I would have to raise my hands over my head. (Which is awful for me because it makes my chest feel very exposed).

But... I did it. Which is huge. I managed not to get hysterical or cry noticiably. Great.

Then when I got through the other side I was greeted immediately by a TSA officer who said I needed to be patted down and be searched.

Goodbye Emily.

I flipped.

Hysterical, crying, hyperventilating, panting. They got me to a bench with my head between my knees, but I was getting that black tunnel vision you get right before you pass out. It was bad. Really bad. I had three officers guarding me on the bench while I was panicking, and when I calmed enough to hear them, they led me into a back room to be searched and patted. HYSTERICAL. Full blown panic attack and there was just no even reasoning with me. I was gone. The panic just took over. You could have said anything, I just wasn't "there." It was awful. Being touched by them was horrible and violating. I saw Matt in my head the whole time and shook with fear.

This isn't the person I was, or am... I guess maybe it is the person I am now. Flying, going through security, a pat down... not a problem before. Now it's an ordeal so awful I can't even function.

Fears

There are alot of things I am afraid of right now. Real-life things- like men, being touched, police officers... and then there are things in my future I am afraid of or for. They almost haunt me. I think about them quite a bit and worry. I didn't use to have too many fears for my future, but now they are things I think about way too much. Going through trauma has changed me in ways I don't like, but it happened and that's a fact. My therapist has told me that fears like these keep me safe for right now while I heal, and once things are better, I will push those boundaries to a new level I am comfortable with. I still worry it won't ever happen. Are there things you worry about like this?

I am afraid things will always be exactly as they are now. That my life will be awful, that I will always be trapped in my house and things will never, ever change.

I am afraid I will never be comfortable being touched again.

I worry about how I will ever date if when I try to think about it, I scream and push away- even in my day dreams- just at the thought of holding hands.

I am afraid I won't ever trust anyone in the way I used to. That I won't ever be able to believe.

That I won't ever have children, a family, or fufill any of the lifelong dreams I have had about my life.

I am afraid of never being happy.

I am afraid of always being afraid.

I am afraid that I will never fall in love with someone else the way I did with Matt, and never meet someone who I have a connection with as strong as the connection was between him and I.

That I will never move on.

***************************