Users and Selfishness.

The whole time I was in high school and in college I used to fly up, (or in college, just drive over) to my siblings homes and help them take care of their kids, watch their homes, get ready for parties, babysit their animals for a week or two at a time, all kinds of stuff. Water their plants, collect their mail, sometimes commuting 40 miles each way per day back to school to do so. Granted, I did so because it was nice for me too; parties are fun, playing with dogs and cats are nice, getting away and having privacy is great. But these were favors. I wasn't paid. They were at my expense, I was expected to do them, and I received no compensation in terms of money, thank you's, gifts, souvenirs, thank you gifts, flowers, anything like that. I washed their dogs, guarded their homes against rouge ant invasions and cleaned out litter boxes for years.

It never occurred to me that 1.) I would need help like this too someday or that 2.) if I did need help that they wouldn't of course offer it in a heart beat.

Well, here we are, a few years down the road, I don't housesit for my brother anymore, but I still do for my sister (without compensation of course, and it is a HUGE amount of work with 2 cats, 2 outdoor only dogs confined to a dog run who have to be exercised daily, a temperature sensitive fish tank, and outdoor "barrel" fish. (They live in a barrel).  They also have a huge array of indoor plants, outdoor potted plants which are not on a drip system, and their cats have vomiting issues, and one cat doesn't eat or is bullied out of eating by the other cat so she has to be fed in private twice daily and supervised.

I asked my sister once to come by my house while I was out of town and simply pet my cats and check on them (I just leave extra food out and many water bowls, the fish tank running like a water fountain, and dare, I say... the toilet seat up in case of emergencies? GAG, but I saw Tootie do it once. Amelia would never do such a thing). She has to commute into Sacramento every day for work and my house is about 10 minutes from her workplace, so since she would be up here anyway, I asked if she could come by to pet them and make sure they were okay once or twice if she had time. She said it was "too far" and she "didn't have time."

A couple months later she bullied me into watching her house. So is that a geographical phenomenon? 10 minutes from your work is "too far" but me driving 50 miles round trip every day to take care of all your animals and plants is just fine?

Now that I have not just two cats, but a dog too, I have an even bigger problem when it comes to petsitting. I can't leave the dog at home. He has to go somewhere. I can't leave him here with extra food and water. He needs to go out to go potty and he needs people. He's not independent. He's the opposite. He's co-dependent.

In December when I first found him, my brother graciously babysat him for 5 or 6 days RIGHT after I found him and I was so grateful. I had nowhere to take him, he didn't have shots, he wasn't fixed, and since I thought he had a home somewhere, I couldn't do any of those things and take him to a kennel because I could get in (legal) trouble with his family for taking away his boy parts. Plus, I only had him for 36 hours before I had to leave. I'm so grateful he took him.

Initially his wife said no though, and my brother overruled her. I think it was fine, and the kids loved him. Charlie stayed with my brother during the day and they locked him up in one of their dog crates if they had to go somewhere. (He did poop in the crate once though. But, mind you, they have a dog who pooped all over their house before they kicked him outside. They have THREE dogs, all BIG dogs, a Pit, a Chow and a Lab, but Charlie is a Beagle, he's little... seriously, what's another dog when you already have that many? Especially when he only weighs 19 pounds?)

I'm going to Washington DC to shoot a wedding in a couple weeks and Charlie needs a babysitter. The last person who watched him, well, their dog attacked him and he had to go to the vet with puncture wounds in his neck and go on antibiotics. (That was after I came back, while he was there, she told me it was okay, but the boyfriend said they had scuffled other times so now I'm not sure). Charlie has severe separation anxiety and is afraid of enclosed spaces. He has a hard time being in a crate and panics when I leave him at home. He really needs to be with people and the best scenario would be for him to be with someone who would be home with him during the day while I was gone. My friend who watched him before has a job now so she'll be gone. If I put him in a kennel, he'll be alone in his cage or "suite" (as they call it) most of the day with a brief play period.

So I emailed my brother and offered to pay him or his daughters to take care of Charlie the 4-5 days I will be gone, emphasizing I know what an inconvenience it is and I so appreciate him taking him before, it's been 6 months since they had him, I figured he'd say no, but I threw it out there hoping. He said no, but his response kind of ticked me off. He said they were way too busy, and his wife was still giving him crap for last time.

I can't tell you how many times I took time out of my life to watch and care for his home, family and animals. This is the second time I have asked him, in 28 years to do a favor for me. And I'm asking him to do it in his own home, not 60 miles away without compensation for gas or asking him to commute every day. (Like he asked me to do all those times). He works from home every day, and he's home alone. When he was with Charlie before, Charlie slept in the office with him all day. That's all he did. When all the kids came home at night, he ran around with them, and played with the other dogs. You're too busy?

Why is the relationship I have with my family so one sided? Why am I expected to do everything, and get nothing in return? Isn't your family supposed to always be there if you need them? If any of these people called me up tomorrow and said they needed help my first instinct would be "Of course! Whatever you need! What can I do?"

When these same two siblings were told about Matt by my dad (he called them up and told them... against my wishes but he said he wanted to tell them so they could reach out and help me and be there for me) they never said a word to me about it and never have. They never reached out, never called, never asked if I was okay. They never hugged me, never acknowledged anything was wrong. I was in an outpatient program at Kaiser for 6 hours a day the first 3 weeks after I found out, and my sister Kristin knew this and never said a word to me. The only thing I ever heard her say about it, is when my dad told her about it, she told him that Matt was an a-hole, which upset me immensely when my dad repeated it to me. I was hurt deeply because I loved him. It had only been a couple of days since I had found out and it was just way too harsh of a reality to have repeated back to me. I loved him, I still do and it's hard to hear hurtful words about him. The man I KNEW was not a bad man. The man he really WAS was someone completely different. But the man she spoke about, was the man I knew, so it hurt. I wished my dad hadn't repeated it to me because it hurt alot to hear. But neither of them ever did anything. I never heard from my brother at all until Christmas, and my sister acted like everything was fine.

My other sister Erin texted me right away and asked if I was okay and offered to fly me down to visit. (She followed this up immediately with, she couldn't afford to fly me down, but she'd find a way.) lol

For the record, I also asked my Dad to babysit Charlie (I'd drive him 400 miles down there, which would also enable me to go to a baby shower of a friend I've had since she was 4 and I was 5), but he said no too. My mom has arthritis and I can't even imagine asking her.

I feel like I am the kind of person who would do anything for anybody (except help them move, don't ever ask me to do that, I haven't even unpacked my own car trunk from when I moved to southern California in 2006, and I moved back to Nor Cal in 2007... the trunk is still packed). But I don't know many who would do anything for me. Definitely not anyone who lives close and definitely not anyone in my family.

What is with that?