The last few years I have been so lost. Intermittently I have found my way, or thought I have begun to walk the right trail back to the road I'm supposed to be on, only to find myself lost in the woods again for one reason or another.
My biggest "hiking disaster" of course was while I was with Matt. We made lots of plans both together as a couple, and I made lots of plans based on the future I planned to have with him. I put things on hold, searched for employment around him, looked into schools around him...
Maybe the "higher purpose" was so I could have a longer break before going back to school. I don't know yet. I don't know why.
I have really had alot of pull to Colorado the last year without any real reason why. I've done as much research as I can and there aren't any graduate programs there that interest me. (Other than law school, which is not an option at the moment.) I've felt confused as to why I would feel such a strong draw to this place without any rhyme or reason other than I like it, so I looked at some apartments and houses online anyway, and they were just terrible. Awful, horrible little dumps. (Sorry, but it's true.) All of them were like that. I looked in several cities and they were all like that. It wasn't at all what I had pictured when I imagined the state and it really dimmed that light very quickly tonight. I want a better quality of life, not a worse one. Ick. (No doubt there are beautiful houses and safe, affordable neighborhoods Colorado, but I was not drawn to that for some reason, and for good purpose too. I need to move for school, and I can't find a program there right now...I don't need to be shown that right now, as much as I would like it.)
Which makes Oregon all the more easy to swallow. (Maybe that's why I had to be fixated on Colorado? So I could reject it and further embrace Oregon?) Being turned off by Colorado so suddenly made me much more interested in Oregon and made me more solidified with this plan of applying to their Conflict and Dispute Resolution program. But as I type this... I feel scared. I don't feel ready for lots of changes. Filling out an application sounds exciting right now (Filling out school applications is always fun, don't you think? lol) but, actually doing the work, and leaving my safety net here sounds... very scary at the moment. And right this second, I'm not ready to go. But I don't have to go right this second. (Breathe.) This would be a new life for me, and moving on. Not being stuck in the same place, doing the same thing anymore. Sacramento has given me alot, but... I'm not sure where it is I belong now.
What is my path?
5 comments:
Emily
I think that you know what would make you truly happy! I think that you are scared to embrace it, but deep down in your heart you know it is true. I think in the long run it doesn't exactly matter where you live or what you do as long as your happy with yourself. (Your welcome to come live by me and my family!!) Not just a title but truly happy with what is inside. That is what matters after all. That is what we are going to have after we die. Our relationships are most important with God, family, with yourself. I was listening to this General conference talk this morning by Elder Uchtdorf. Here is the link. Take some time to listen to it and ponder it. http://lds.org/general-conference/2010/10/of-things-that-matter-most?lang=eng
I love you and I want you to be truly happy. I know that you can be!! I know that Heavenly father is there for you! I know that he hears and answers our prayers, He is there waiting for you to talk to him! He loves you more than you can know!!!
I understand the need to move. To give yourself a different perspective and give your wounds time to heal. I know what it is like to need a fresh start and begin over again. I also understand the need to run. I wish I had the power to know what path you should take, but that is all in your heart. The best I can say is to listen to it and it will never steer you wrong. :)
Emily,
Have you got down on your knees and prayed out loud to Hevenly Father? Have you really talked to him, and asked him what you should do and where you should go? Change is always hard, believe me I hate change. But if we try to listen, he will direct us and if we trust him, we can find true happiness and the path you should take maybe something you never have thought of. But being scared come from Satan himself- fear. But hope and light comes from Heravenly Father! Good luck! And stay away from those drinks! :)
Oh, that's one thing I just don't believe in Shirlene. In my religon, there is no such thing as the devil or Satan. I wasn't raised like that. If I'm scared, I'm just scared because of my own issues and that's the end of it. For me, Satan is no more relevant than the Easter Bunny. (Except I like to pretend the Easter Bunny is real! :D ) I actually only really recently found out the LDS Church believed in that, and I've been trying to figure out what I think of that.
It's super easy for me to jump in someone else's shoes and relate to their beliefs and when you talk about it in relation to yourself, I totally get it. But when I talk about it in relation to me, I don't get it. It doesn't work. In the Lutheran church, we never talked about that stuff because there was no such thing. It just does not exist.
Just like the atonement. I don't get that either. YES, of course, he died on the cross for us, and all of our sins are forgiven, and all of that, of course, that is all the same, but if I have trouble forgiving myself for something in my church, that's just a personal issue, a personal failing because I am human and God understands that- God forgives me for my sins, and he accepts my human failings and loves me anyway, period. If I can't or have trouble with forgiving myself for my past actions or with getting over something, it doesn't have anything to do with the atonement, but in your church it does and I totally can't wrap my head around it at all. For us, the two aren't related at all. God forgives you, and all is well. If you don't forgive yourself, well, that's fine, you're just being silly and you'll work it out someday, hopefully. That's all. Totally unrelated to each other.
Kristin tried to explain it to me and Nicole tried to explain it to me, and I read all the stuff and they said when I wasn't having problems with men I should ask the missionaries, but who knows when that will be. I just don't get it. (Throws up hands!) What can I say, I guess Lutheranism is less work. lol
I have prayed about my current situation alot, and all I ever really hear is that it is my desicion and I need to figure out what I really want. Which is very frustrating. (Because I don't know.) And again, I feel led to Colorado but for no rhyme or reason, and no where to go there. I keep looking for a reason to go there, but there isn't one. So I thought maybe I was supposed to have my idealization of Colorado shattered so that Oregon would look more exciting to me, perhaps. I don't know, is that stretching it too much?
(smash head on table.)
I don't think that I will be happy staying here no matter what religion I am (thanks Kristin, lol), this is a personal satisfaction with my career and education I am talking about. If I were to do more serious investigating into the church right now, (as much as I think about it) it would be for all the wrong reasons, and that is not right, and I know it. And if I did that, it would not stick. I would be living a lie. I can't do that. I would want the cafeteria plan of Mormonisn (taking and doing the parts I like and skipping the parts I don't) and it doesn't work like that.
If I were going to be a stay at home mom, and needed a little side job to get me out of the house a couple times a month, photography would probably satisfy me. But as it stands now, it is isolating, and unstable income, overwhelming amount of work, and I have huge amounts of unrequited dreams I have abandoned. I want to go to graduate school. I want to aspire and attain and achieve more than this. I want to do more than just sit in my house all day by myself and watch tv and play on the computer editing pictures and answering emails. I want to LIVE my life. I just don't know how... I want to move past this stage of my life. I have been in this "interim" since 2008 when I left law school and at a loss as to where to go or what to do next ever since. It's 2011 now... We're coming up on FOUR YEARS of the same thing, day after day, of me doing precisely what I never wanted to do.
It's time for me to move on... I just need some more clear guidance on to what. I haven't heard it yet. I think I"m going to know it when I hear it. But I haven't heard it yet. My ears and eyes are open... I am waiting for that great idea... Now where is it...? Where do I belong?
Post a Comment