MPRE & Facebook Friends... and Trouble

The whole time we were dating, Daniel and I had never been facebook friends. At first, I wasn't even interested in friending him, and never asked to do so. I know he had tried to find me on Facebook a few times and had had trouble doing so because my personal profile is fairly well hidden. The night he finally figured out my facebook name was pretty hilarious because I felt like I could literally see the lightbulb shining over his head!

The day of his motorcycle accident was the day he extended the friend request my way, but he had said several times he wanted for us to wait for us to be friends until after he took the MPRE because he was concerned it would be a distraction for him. I sort of raised by eyebrows over this but said I could give him a grace period of sorts. That period went sour pretty quick and this was the argument I initiated over text the week before. I had started feeling a little insecure over the whole thing but I didn't really understand why. I saw the man every day. We spent every available non-school, non-working hour together. What on earth did it matter if I had access to his social media? In restrospect I'm sure this was an internal cue that something was amiss. After we DTR'd the previous week though, he had sent the request over, and this absolutely cooled my jets on the topic. I just needed the gesture. In turn, I could give him the space he asked for by not immediately accepting it until after his exam. I just needed to know he wanted me and everything was okay.

After he took the MPRE (an ethics exam for lawyers), we had a date the following day at my house and were hanging out. I turned to him a bit flirtingly and said "Some random guy tried to friend me on Facebook and I'm thinking I might accept!" He looked confused for about half a second and then his eyes twinkled at me and he said, "Oh you mean ME!" And so, cuddling on the couch together watching Gilmore Girls, I accepted his friend request and we sat and went through each other's profiles, asking questions and browsing and chatting about this and that. Getting to know each other on a social media level, if you will. He didn't have a ton on his profile so I was pretty well satisfied after a few minutes and gave him some smooches and we went back to watching our show and chatting, per usual. It was nice and low key and lovely.

Daniel has really long days on Mondays so he did not spend the night that Sunday so he would sleep well for his 6am cross fit class and long day at school.  I walked him out the front door, and as I did so he paused and said, "So once I go, are you going to snoop through my profile?" And I laughed and said, "Of course not, what else is there to look at? I already looked at everything!" And we kissed and hugged and said goodbye. He walked over to his car in my driveway and turned again and made another comment about snooping and said goodnight, and this... little flag went up in the center of my chest.

I went back in the house and sat on the couch holding my phone in my hand and stared at Gilmore Girls on pause. "I'm going to restart the show," I thought. Then I just sat there. For 40 minutes.

It was like he had showed me his card. I knew there was something there or he would not have made those two comments. Daniel knew my full history with Matt, and he knew if there was anything to find, I would find it. But I didn't want to. And I trusted him. And what on earth could there possibly be to find?

I casually scrolled through his profile again. Nothing of note.

But I knew what I was looking for. So I plugged his name, and the first name of his last ex into the search bar, and up pulled the last time they had been checked into a location together. Not a year ago, like he had told me on our first date. But in May. Of this year.

My heart raced. Please not this again. My insides started to wail.

Maybe it was someone else with the same name? I clicked on the update... Nope. He had posted a photo of the two of them in the comments. He had been with this person this year. Not last year.

He had lied.

I've been down this road before and I know how to do this. I checked her out, and I checked him out and compared notes.

She and I had a friend in common and I did my detective work there too. The good news: there was no overlap between our two relationships. He had not cheated on either of us with the other. That was good.

But he lied about time line, and in reality this was not a guy who had taken a year to heal and was ready to move forward- this was a guy on the rebound. And not only that- this relationship he had just gotten out of, it wasn't just a relationship, it was an engagement.

This was news to me.

They had been engaged very briefly and from all accounts it was a shit show. In my opinion, they both rushed, they were not a good match, and I'm guessing she must have come from a conservative background because she had a rule that they couldn't live together unless they were engaged. So they got engaged the week they moved in together, and it blew up after about a month. There's a lot more to that story, but the story as a whole is humiliating. What I will say is, I don't blame him for not wanting to disclose that information. As my friend Connor said, if I had known at the time, I would have pumped the brakes. And Daniel liked me from the outset. He didn't want to scare me off.  Sometimes when we are wounded, things just fly out of our mouths. After Matt, I told people he died. It would just come out, like a tick. I have empathy for it. I can put myself in his place and feel that pain. I never knew how to untangle myself from those accidental deceptions. I didn't mean to, it just came out. So I understood where he was coming from.

For me though, it was wrong he lied. On a generous day, I can say he misled me, or he fudged the timeline. But the truth is he lied. And that one lie- "I've been single for a year," begot another lie, and another. Because things needed to be explained. I tried to answer as many questions for myself as possible before going to Daniel and talking to him about it so I would be fully armed with information and would know if he was being dishonest when we discussed the situation. I also discussed everything with Connor and Kristin and tried to make a decision in advance as to whether this was a deal breaker for me.

And whether I was crazy for thinking it wasn't. 

I was so hurt, and so upset, but also, I had compassion for him, and loved him and knew all the reasons that relationship had ended. And I hear the dilemma of maybe falling for someone sooner than you expected. I decided that if he came clean to me on his own that it would not be a deal breaker. But if he lied about any detail whatsoever, or didn't admit to it, the relationship was over.

I went to bed too, although I didn't sleep at all and faced a long day of faking it with him over text until I could see him in person. We didn't usually see each other on Mondays because of his crazy schedule, but I knew if I asked to visit  he wouldn't say no. I felt quite bad over it because I know how drained he would be, and how he would turn for me for hugs and comfort if I went to his house, but I couldn't let the knowledge I had sit another day after that. So I laid in bed and waited for the morning to come, and the long day ahead before I could talk to him about what I had found. I couldn't believe I was here again.