Break ups are messy.

I don't know what happened. I thought we were doing great. Now I'm back on my couch holding back tears and with a chest full of anxiety again. Grieving my relationship all over again. Feeling abandoned. Again.

Two weeks ago, Daniel waited around at the airport for at least an hour to pick me up. He was so nice. Full of boundaries, but we were good and I could feel the feelings still there. It was good. We texted that night, but, it was fine. Intense, but fine. Manageable. We were adjusting and that's hard.

Then he went to Australia. It was a cluster of a trip. On the way out there his flight got diverted to Hawaii for a medical issue with one of the passengers, and several attempts at boarding and unboarding the plane later, the flight was canceled and the passengers put on another airline. He lost two days of his trip. We texted a little, and all was fine. He was cranky, but that was it.

Then I noticed something odd. He seemed to have deleted a couple of my comments off his Facebook. Reflecting back I wondered if the jokes I made weren't appropriate. I am certainly guilty of that. So I tried to dial it back a bit. I don't comment often, or like posts often either, but I try to interact with him some. I love and care about him for one, and two, adjusting to being friends requires practice. So instead of being totally casual like I would be with a regular friend, I moreso just admired his posts and was pleased he was having a good time. Once every few posts I'd throw out a like. I noticed here or there it seemed like he was deleting whole posts after he posted them. I thought it was odd but I do the same sometimes.

Then my birthday came. No word. Nothing. It was my birthday. I really, really hate my birthday. I always feel alone and forgotten and unimportant. My family rarely calls, although they usually remember. I might not have told Daniel how I felt about my birthday, but it's more likely I did. And I mentioned it before he left also. He was on Facebook every day, so when my birthday came and went without a word from this dear person to me- I tried really hard to not feel wounded. I was surprised though, given how we had left things.

I went to that dance class the day after my birthday and messaged him about it- I had heard fun gossip about one of his favorite bands from my dance teacher. He never opened the message. It was just a silly, fun, friendly message. I was excited to share the gossip with him because it made me laugh. That was all. 4 days later and it had never been opened. But he was posting and commenting every day... But he was on vacation! So, maybe it was nothing. 

The day he was flying back to the states I felt this deep instinctual drive to check my SnapChat. He was gone. GONE. Maybe he had deleted his account? On my "people who have added you" list, his name was there. I was confused. SnapChat displayed him as "DanEHarm" which was my nickname for him in my phone all the way back last September. It looked like he had added me so I tried to add him back- user not found. Then I wondered if he blocked me. I looked at my contacts list again and his name had changed to his user name. It was the weirdest thing ever. Then he appeared as a "friend you aren't friends with," so I wasn't blocked, but I guess he deleted me. I was so confused. I woke up thenext morning wracked with anxiety. I had terminated therapy the day before my birthday, the week before- something I was really proud of! To go from non-functioning to functioning injust a few months. And laying in bed, holding myself I started to wonder if it had been a mistake.

I sent over a text asking if all was okay and that I was getting a weird vibe. His flight back had AGAIN been diverted due to a medical issue and he had gotten trapped in Sydney this time. I expressed condolences over the trouble. Message was never delivered. But maybe that was because he wasn't on Wifi. Who knows if his phone worked when he was in Australia. I don't know. I hadn't tried before. iMessage should have worked, but I don't know. But my mind started worrying he had blocked me. Where the hell is this coming from?

I tried to shake off my worries and reflected on things he told me about that time he withdrew from me in December. He hadn't known what to say. He didn't have anything to say. It didn't really have anything to do with me. So maybe I needed to just let him do his thing and take a breath.

Later on in the day he posted some fun photos (with snarky comments) on Facebook. I forgot myself and left some harmless, positive, totally appropriate comments. Things like, "At least you got more time to explore!" And "That's awesome! And your Sony camera, yay!" (I shoot Sony for my business.) A few minutes later the post popped up again. With no comments. I scrolled through again. My likes were there... but my comments had been deleted.

There was absolutely no denying something funny was going on now. And I have absolutely no idea why. Three weeks ago when I was in New York and he was in Eugene he was texting me love poems he had written and asking me if I still loved him. He had just picked me up at the airport two days before he left! We had talked that day! I am so baffled by what the hell happened.

When I saw the comments I left on Facebook were gone, I just shot him a message. "Did I miss something? Are you needing space? I'm super confused."

He immediately opened it, but didn't respond.

"Like always, just ask if you need something. I won't comment on your posts if that's some kind of thing. I saw snapchat too so I was already puzzled if that was a mistake? I thought we were good! So sorry about your flight, that super sucks! But it looked like your trip was great! :) "

He never opened the second message.

I have absolutely no idea why we are rewinding on 3.5 months of progress back to that horrific post-break up period. I don't want to go through that again. Now or ever. Whatever the deal is, just tell me. You met someone in Australia? You are feeling down? You have unresolved feelings for me and realized you can't be around me? I HAVE NO IDEA. But the passive aggressive deleting and ignoring and silent treatment is so upsetting and immature I cannot deal with it. He is such an avoider and I hate it. I HATE it. It's so upsetting. I don't want to do this again. I can't handle it. I feel so disappointed. But he also has to do this on his own terms. He has to fix himself. I can't fix him. So however he has to do this, that's his way. I guess. If I can just be here, and try not to take it personally, and know that he will be okay... Maybe I can pick myself up again after this. I just hope it doesn't get any worse.