I'm still here.

I hope I haven't worried you.

I just got an email from someone who wanted to make sure I was okay because I wasn't blogging. I guess it's been more than a month since I've updated and given the tone of most of my posts...I can see how that would give you cause for concern... I haven't blogged on my work blog in a week either, so I wasn't sure which blog they were referencing, (aka, the context in which they knew me) and even though I recognized their first name as someone I thought I knew from this blog, I wasn't totally sure... So I didn't want to launch into "where I've been" in case it was a client or "fan" of my work talking about my work blog. But I think I know who it was... but I wasn't sure. I don't know this gal's last name in real life, at least, I didn't remember it.

Anyway, I answered the note neutrally until I know how the writer knows me- from my personal life, or professional life, and then I can either spill my guts or give a professional answer and chuckle [professionally, of course.]

Where have I been?

I'm sure you'd like to hear about me lounging on a beach in the bahamas with a pina colada and a cabana boy and doing excellent, but that hasn't been the case. :(

At the end of the September a reader confided about some deceit she had caught her spouse in- explosive, like mine, although not the same situation, and it's really hard for me to be neutral or helpful because I just, well can't. I don't know how to help. I still have one more email from that person I keep meaning to open and haven't. I'm such a mess myself I don't know how to be a support to someone else. It makes me feel terrible because that's not who I used to be. I feel like I don't have much left to give, but maybe that's because I'm still trying to heal? On the other hand, I know how much it means to ME when other people share their stories with me so maybe I need to try harder. It's just SO HARD.

October was an incredibly rough month. I went off all but one of my medications. (I'm on three.) I ran out of my anti-depressants that had been perscribed to me when I had Kaiser last year (that I had hoarded) and was left with just my anxiety meds. This was not a good idea. I saw a psychiatrist for the first time since last fall and she officially diagnosed me as PTSD and tried to give me a Xanax prescription, she really felt I needed it, but as I have a sister who is a recovering addict (six years sober!) I am not comfortable taking any medication that is easily abused or is easy to become dependant on. We have multiple addicts and users in my family. My sister was a methamphetamine addict for 10 years. we are lucky she is alive, let alone a productive member of society with a great job, a partner and a college degree. I don't want to expose myself to medication that I may be prone to being "attracted" to, even though I have never abused or used drugs.  After explaining all of this to the doctor, she agreed and wrote me new Rx's for my medication. The problem was, with my new insurance, I lied when I applied and told them I didn't have any mental health issues because I believe that is why Kaiser terminated me, and I feared they would not accept me if they knew the extent of my problems right now. So I was going to have to pay for this doctor's appointment ($300) out of pocket, and these Rx's. I had to find a pharmacy, which was really overwhelming for someone who is off their medication and crying all day. The doctor also wrote the Rx for the wrong dosage on one medication, and wanted to call in the correct dosage into whatever pharmacy I used, rather than just writing me a new 'script, which if you know me, or at least how I have been since all of this has happened, that is just really overwhelming and upsetting. So before I could get my complete Rx, I had to find a pharmacy. I was officially "paralyzed" from doing anything because of this, if that makes any sense.

I was dealing with all of this stuff off my meds. It was UGLY.  Try coping with extremely stressful, emotional situations when you're dealing with untreated major depressive disorder. VERY BAD.  I thought about ways to "get out" alot. Calmly, rationally. Like, emailing people lists of things that needed to be done after I was gone. That's the kind of "clarity" that comes with being off medication. My therapist was NOT pleased. She gave me a deadline to find a pharmacy, which was Tuesday of this week- November 1st.

On Monday, Halloween, I went to Target and Walmart and got quotes for my medication. My anixety medication apparently runs almost $300 for a one month's supply in generic form. I have never felt so desperate. How am I supposed to treat myself, or take care of myself with a medical bill like that? Especially if I have to hide it from my insurance? I was surpringsly calm (I still had more pills of that medication left, I hadn't run out yet, and the other two medications were cheaper, $15/month and $60/month). I checked CanadaDrugs.com, but it was the same story... that one drug was really expensive.

Finally I thought to check Costco and that was a lifesaver. I got the two cheaper medications for $30ish bucks and the expensive one I think it only $60/month. DOWN FROM $300! How is that even possible?! It is such a blessing and a relief! Thank you Costco!

I started my anti-depressants again on Tuesday afternoon. They have me on a new kind of pill- called extended release, instead of suspended release (sustained release?) which means I only have to take a pill once a day instead of twice. I took it Tuesday and Wednesday and forgot today. :( It's funny though, by Wednesday, I was already starting to feel better...


The other bad thing that happened in October was at a wedding. I was... I guess... assaulted by a guest at a wedding I was working at. I was getting ready to shoot the first dance and had my back to him and I was looking at my camera. This man, a groomsman, ran his hands all over my body, groped me, and slapped me. I shoved him off me, and jumped away and told him to not touch me again. I started shaking really hard and started to cry, but by then the dance had started, so I had to start shooting. So I shot the first dance, crying and shaking like a leaf. As soon as it was over I went to the bathroom and cried. I texted my friend and told her what happened and tried to calm down.

I don't even like being hugged by men in my family. I get uncomfortable at family dinners sitting next to men I KNOW. In my German class, my teacher sends me out in the hall when we do group activities because I panic and start to cry if the men/boys in our class talk to me. This man... what he did... I don't know how they find me. I don't know how this, these things happen to me. Why? What have I done that makes people do things to me? I don't understand. I don't want to be a victim... But how do they FIND me?

*****
I feel like I should end this on a high note.

(Why I have NO IDEA)

I shot a wedding today, and I wore... A DRESS. From... ANTHROPOLOGIE! And.... PATTERENED TIGHTS! I know, RIGHT? Amazingness! I felt so chic! And I stuck a headband in my hair too! And blowdried it, and straightened it a little with the curling iron! (I think the cat peed on my straightener, so I didn't want to use that... [long awkward pause] anyway... So exciting, right? Oh, and the dress had POCKETS!

It was super expensive, the most expensive dress I have ever bought, I'm pretty sure, but I was thinking I could wear it to every wedding every weekend and just wear a different sweater set over it for the next five years. What do you think? It was very comfortable, the fabric is just so nice!

 

This is the dress. Mine has straps though- spaghetti straps, but straps none the less. Maybe they are removable. Maybe I should look and see. I really liked it BECAUSE it had straps. Today I wore it with a pumpkin orange sweater and pinky raspberry poetic license modest heels- for a couple hours. Then my feet were killing me, so I switched to black flats with bows on them from Target. I really wish someone had taken my picture or that I had taken  a picture in a mirror because I really liked how I looked!