Another rough night of tears.

So wound up. SO, SO wound up.

Over the weekend, shooting an engagement session, I was following the couple from one shoot location back to their house. They literally led me, in their car right past Matt's house. Literally. We went down that road, that road that I went down on that day. And this white pick up truck, just like his, appeared in my rear view and I was just... overwhelmed with panic.

It wasn't him, and I was luckily very checked out because I was working, but I am getting other triggers now, and processing that... I am,I am just... so upset.

I am sitting here, shaking, crying hard.

I am owed an explanation for his behavior. He owed that to me. I should be able to ask him why he did this to me. How is he allowed to do all of these things to me, and then just GO BACK TO HIS FAMILY and LIVE HIS LIFE?! Like normal? Like nothing ever happened?


They have a new baby! They had a new baby, two weeks ago. That child was conceived, what, three months after I went to the house that day. When I found out about that baby, it was like the world came down on me.

If I had not found out the truth about Matt, or, if he had been telling the truth... that would have been my baby. We would be married. I would be pregnant... RIGHT NOW.

Instead, I am sitting here, in my dirty apartment, alone. I haven't showered in days, crying my eyes out. I'm trying to make sure I get an appointment with a new psychiatrist for my anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication so the scary thoughts in my head quiet down. And THEY are a 10 minute drive from here, in their lovely house, with their beautiful children... living this charmed life with each other. Pretending I never existed.

While I live, and carry the burden and consequences of every mistake, sin, and just plain old horrible thing that man has ever done- and the bad things I believe that that woman is doing to both herself and her children by pushing such huge issues under the rug.

Forgive him! they tell me. What good will that do? Then he is absolved of all of his crimes. And *I* will still be here, carrying this burden. You can't make me stop carrying it. I haven't even figured out all of the crap that I'm holding here, let alone been able to put it down. I have to forgive myself first. And I don't know that I want to forgive him. And I don't have to. And no one should ever tell me I should do anything... Maybe you should pin a rose on your nose!

There are so many problems to work through. That is the problem. And I know, that really, I am doing great! My therapist actually CHEERED for me in therapy today. Because when I drove past his house, when I realized where we were going... I had the conscious thoughts, all of those horrible thoughts- "Where are we going? No, not there! I'm going to see him! Is he behind me? He's going to hurt me! What about the baby? Where is She? I don't want to see them- I- uh-" but I stopped myself from going down the downward spiral. I just had the awareness of my thoughts, and where we were, and I stopped myself. She said my coping mechanisms were amazing, and for a trigger that huge, it was unbelievable. That this was an indicator that someday, I was going to be able to drive around this neighborhood, and remember, yeah, something bad happened there... but it wouldn't have the same effect on me then as it does right now. That by working I was 90% checked out, and so by going by there, and nothing terrible happening.. it's desensitizing me to the triggers of places and things that remind me of him. Great, right?

It doesn't feel great. It doesn't feel like progress. It just feel likes pain. And hurt. And being ripped in two. Them ignoring me, pretending I never existed... Him pretending he never knew me... I have never loved any one more, and no one has ever made me feel more special or loved. No one has ever made me feel like I could do anything and conquer the world! With him I could fly! Part of me wants to be acknowledged... our relationship acknowledged. I existed. We loved each other so much. But to them I don't exist. And if I act like I do, if I contacted them, I would be slapped with some kind of legal repercussion so fast I'm sure I wouldn't be able to breathe.

They can strike out at me. But I can't at him. Because I don't matter. I am worthless. I don't even exist.

Part of me is screaming inside,  wanting to be remembered.... And wanting my life back. Wanting him to come home, and being startled every time someone knocks on the door. There is always a two second delay every time I see someone standing there. I always think it is him. It has been a year and I still do. Still. I really do.

Then there are all the betrayals. I never mention it, but he cheated on ME too. We were together a year and a half and he was crawling into bed with someone else when he left me. I can't even think about it, it is so painful. He had both an emotional and physical relationship with someone else. I can't even acknowledge it in therapy or talk about it. My pain isn't supposed to "count" in that area because he was married to her, but really, it doesn't matter. We were in a committed, monogamous relationship. We were getting married. I had ordered the white silk fabric for my wedding dress- twice- but the order kept getting canceled or back ordered. And he was leaving me, and laying with someone else. He cheated on me. I can't even own those feelings, but I know they belong to me.

Then all of the lies, ALL of them. Someone looks you in the face, with excitement, and love and tells you that you are only the second person they have ever said "I love you" to... I know for a fact that that had to be a lie based on his relationship history. He was engaged once before his wife. There's two "I love you's" right there. That makes me number three, not two. At least.



He told me his parents were so excited to meet me. He relayed messages from them. We'd be having dinner and he'd get a text, "Oh, it's my parents! I'm telling them you say Hi." "Awww, they say Hi too, they want to know how you are?"

I seriously doubt his parents were corresponding with his married son's girlfriend.

How about all of the psychological issues? The PTSD? The flashbacks? How about trying to breathe through panic attacks while driving on the freeway when you hear police sirens? Ever try that?  I ran out of one of my medications a couple weeks ago- maybe longer ago than that and it is affecting me, deeply. I have an appointment for September 22nd with some lady. I don't even know if my insurance covers her or how much she costs. Or even what methods of payment she accepts. But I can't live where my highs are being mentally checked out, feeling anxious and eating constantly, and my lows are wishing I was dead.  The rest of the time, I pretend. I am great at pretending.  The insomnia is at it's peak right now, I am up all night, I sleep for a couple of hours in the morning, wake up startled every couple of hours.It's awf ul.

Right now, today, in this moment, I hate my life. I hate it, and I hate him too. All I want is to go bang on his door and demand an explanation for leaving me like this. Someone, anyone out there, I wish someone knew them and I could beg you, to beg them to let me talk to Matt. I deserve closure. I deserve to be able to ask him why he did this, did he ever care, how if he loved me how could he have led me on like that when he knew it would have had to end- or blow up in all of our faces at some point. Every fiber of my being needs to know so badly. I hate him and love him so intensely all at once. There is no more confusing state of being than this.

If there was no wife... there would be nothing keeping me from contacting him, honestly. It is out of respect for her and preventing pain to her that I do not contact them. It would hurt her if I did, and based on her last contact, she would strike back at me. I also believe that if I contacted him that he would turn around and tell her immediately so he wouldn't get in "trouble" for the contact- thereby making me the bad guy. If I contacted her first, it would hurt her. I can't win. I don't know how to get closure or get my answers. I don't know how to let go of so much insurmountable pain in any other way other than this slow, process, which is, the right way to do it: working through it.

But I still can't help but fail to understand why they can have more rights- protection for his job, protection from me contacting them (I assume if I did they would find some way to call it harassment, I'm sure, there has to be) but I can't do ANYTHING about all of the things he did.  I do not agree that there is no legal case here...  I was in a support group dealing with the constant upset he was supposedly enduring during our entire relationship. He told me he was suicidal. Clearly, he was not.  And what purpose does telling me your father has had a second stroke and is going by ambulance to the hospital four days after we "took a break" while I am working a wedding four hours away, other than to upset me? (When his father truly had NO health issues.) I spent the rest of the night trying to coordinate a way to get up to him to be by his side... He stopped answering messages when he got to the "hospital" -I was in a panic. I even told the bride what was going on I was so upset. What purpose did that serve? I even checked the obituaries in the days after when he would not respond to my calls. He made it sound like an emergency, and now, now answer? Did his Dad die? (Um, no. Again, shining picture of health.)  He had already "moved" in with his parents several hours away after the first stroke... Why a second pretend stroke? And why all the stories about being harassed at work and no one responding to his calls for back up? He basically told me his life was in danger because his colleagues wouldn't help him. I was afraid for him! Then of course him being the victim in being fired-- I was so upset- and then his friend died in action- I cried on the memorial tattoo he got for him (really for his daughter), he lost his house.... What purpose did all of those horrible things do, other than to upset me? Wasn't their purpose to upset, depress, scare me? Because that's what it did... And that's excluding what happened in the house, or my trauma afterwards...

Why is this freaking story SO COMPLICATED?

I talked to an administrative law judge in the dog park the other night and she said she might approach the case in a different way (other than emotional distress) but that she would have to think about it. That's all I ever wanted anyone to do. Talk to me about it, and think about it, in an academic, and considerate, sensitive way.

I just wish we could have at least filed papers. Or like divorce... gone to mediation and been forced to talk. I would give anything to talk to him.  Anything. I know people that know people who know them. (Which freaks me out to no end). But, no one close enough who could just sit down and say... "This girl is having a hard time. You didn't do the right thing here. You need to make this right. Go do the right thing. Give her what she needs to move on. "

I wish someone would.