Another not so good night.

I don't want to go to bed.

I don't want to watch tv.

I don't want to mess around online.

I don't want to read or respond to yet another email I received this week from an attorney who will not help or even meet with me.

I don't know what to do.

I am totally overwhelmed and frustrated.

I don't know how to make sure Matt gets what he deserves.

I feel like I have to carry the burden of HIS mistakes, HIS poor choices and HIS sociopathy every day.

I feel like I always will, unless I can find a way to make sure he is punnished for what he did.

Reading about this... I don't think he should keep his job. This officer committed one embarrassing, semi-atrocious act. Matt committed more than I can count.

I need help. I don't know what to do. No one will help me. Everyone is too busy, doesn't do that, wrapped up in their own stuff, or too overwhelmed by me to even talk to me.

A friend of mine, a GOOD friend, a best friend, who has never really had a full discussion about what happened this last year with me because she has had too much of her own stuff going on, felt the need to tell me she wanted to just shake me and tell me to get over it. That I was "too smart, too pretty" to waste my life on having panic attacks in the grocery store. I didn't even know what to say.

In therapy, my therapist asked what I thought about that and I just shook my head and said that all that meant to me was that this was another person who did not know how to handle a big emotional trauma and was not someone I could speak to about it.  The therapist agreed... that is not how these things work. I am not behind the curve, these are not things you just "get over" and when you have an anxiety disorder, when you have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and suffer flashbacks, you can't just "snap out of it" and wake up one day and have it all go away and be honky dory. I'm not that person anymore. Yeah, this is pretty much all my life is about right now.  Because that's all I have room for right now. I have to take care of me. All of this is just part of taking care of me. I can't do any part of this any faster than how I am.  I am right where I am supposed to be. As MUCH as I hate that. (And I truly, hate it.) But this is where I am supposed to be.

But I also need help to move forward, and I don't know how to get it. I feel trapped. I always feel trapped, but today especially, I feel like a little animal running 'round in a tiny cage. Subject to the miserable world around me.