Personal Advice

Three different friends, independently, have now come to me in the last week or two and have said, in one way or another, I need to move on. After talking about this very phenomenon with the third person, a fourth popped up.

Give me a freakin' break people. Ugh... What is this? Groundhog Day?

One said she would like to physically shake me and told me I needed to snap out of it. Because I was "too pretty, and too smart" to have a panic attack in a grocery store.

Two said, basically, this is sucking up too much time, there isn't anything more you can do, move it along and live your life.

Another said you need to forgive him.

One of these statements left me fantasizing (intensely) about driving into telephone polls and freeway overpasses. I had to go home, go in my room, shut the door and sleep for hours to make it go away. If that's where I have to be, if that's what I have to do, I would rather be dead. I had to shut myself down to make those thoughts stop.

Another conversation, I sat across the table from them and internally sighed. I hadn't even ever really talked to this person about anything regarding this. What spurred on this conversation was their comment on how great I seemed to be doing. So I had to respond with explaining, that actually, it was a little more complicated that that, and gave an update. Then she launched into what equated to verbal vomit. I began mentally taking notes... Do not ever talk to this person again about this subject... they are not someone you should confide in. They can't handle it. It's just too much for them. It's upsetting for them.

Another... so patient, so angry, for me. But probably just done. It's not like I don't feel it too. I've been done with this for months. For a year. I was done with it the day I found out. I wanted to delete it from my brain then. But I can't.

With everyone, I wonder... What more is living my life supposed to look like? What more do you want me to do for it to count as "life" to you? What qualifies?

As of now, I work every day. I shoot, I edit. I correspond with clients and editors every day. I do things for other people. I'm being published in two more magazines this year.

I go to the dog park almost every day. I have a crew of dog park friends I associate with. I even know some of their names, instead of just their dog names. (Shocker, I know. If you've ever been to a dog park, you'd understand how phenomenal that is.) I'm also starting to work on training the dog finally. I got a Gentle Leader to help with the out of control pulling and have been parking far away from the park and walking in with him to work on it. I've also started bringing high-value treats in the car (fat-free hot dogs) to get to him lay down on his seat and stop barking like a lunatic. Previously I had done nothing to work on these behavioral issues.

I am redecorating my house. I want to make my house a home. I am trying to make it look different from when Matt was in my life. I am trying to stop waiting for him to come home and stop making my house a frozen pane of the moment he left. I'm trying to make it different. I changed my shower curtain, replacing the one I've had for the last 4.5 years with a much-coveted one from Urban Outfitters. (Yes, the pricey ruffled one. And yes, I bought a knock off first and it was awful.) I spent weeks shopping for fabric online (and attempted to in-store as well only to find all the fabric stores in Sac had gone out of business) and have started sewing slipcovers for my decorative pillows for my couches in new colors. I got big wood cut outs of words I like: "breathe" for the bathroom, "think" for the bookshelf and "bake" for the kitchen off etsy to display. I've designed and created artistic signs with inspirational sayings to display in the house, and ordered a few special art prints as well. I even got a new quilt on clearance for my bed, in a new color. (Coral).

I'm taking German. I signed up for two classes, French and German, but after finding the French class to be full of 17 and 18 year olds and the couresework full of busywork like making a 3 ring binder as part of your grade, I dropped it. (Especially since I already took three years of French and this was review for fun.) I'm in my third week of German. I had to have a meeting with the professor about my anxiety about men and she is accomodating me. But that means I can stay in the class. It is a huge challenge, but I want to stay and I am trying really hard to stay despite my anxiety.

Part of the reason why I signed up for classes is because I want to get my master's degree and I want to make some contacts in the college world again so I can get reference letters when I apply.  Although the grades may not raise my g.p.a. (I've heard repeatedly from a friend your g.p.a. freezes once you graduate, but I'm not quite sure how that works when you've attended multiple schools...) it may demonstrate I'm capable of schoolwork in a different capacity than I was 7 years ago when I was an undergrad.

I am seriously planning on moving to Colorado, probably Denver. This will of course depend on whether I get into school there. I get daily real estate updates from a particular realtor out there.  I also check the apartments for rent on Craig's List regularly and am trying to get to know the neighborhoods. For the last couple of months I have researched different wedding blogs in the "middle" states and have found one specific to Colorado to advertise on. Hopefully I can start building my business out there now. Even if I don't move there, having more out of state business rather than only specific to Sacramento will make an out of state transition easier. I've also concentrated advertisements in other states with programs I want to apply to.

I go to therapy two days a week, rain or shine, and I work on my stuff. I love my therapist and she helps so much.

I've been trying to go for awhile, and I have made it once or twice.... I did it again today. Yes, I did it. I went to the gym. That place I spend a fortune to have a membership to and have gone to... four whole times in the last year. I genuinely worked out today. I did the treadmill, the elliptical, free weights and machine weights. I also parked in the far corner of the parking lot for extra exercise.

All of that said.... What more does "living my life" look like people? Do I need to go down to the local bar and get trashed? Do I need to go to church? (Don't answer that one. No! Shhh!) Do I need a boyfriend? What exactly do you want me to do? What would make you more comfortable in dealing with me while I grieve?

Which is the bottom line, and what I have talked twice to my therapist about now. My reaction, mostly, to these comments has been a deeeeeep sigh and "I guess this isn't someone I can confide in anymore" feeling. My therapist corrects me on that.

What SHE says is I am hearing these people wrong. What I should be hearing is this: "I care about you, I want to help you, but I don't know what to do about it." That's the bottom line from her. The continuation of that statement, the explanation for why these comments or discussions are coming up are: "We are uncomfortable with your grief and don't know what to do with it. So maybe we can just fix it and make it go away and then we can all feel better.  PHEW!"

Except it doesn't work like that. Everybody works on their own timeline, everyone grieves in their own way. You can't grieve too fast or too slow. You skip through the steps and that's how you end up having things blow up in your face a few years down the road. That's how I ended up bawling my eyes out during my first woman's exam, (much to my own surprise) and trying to deal with an assault from when I was 10 years old.  The first relationship I was ever in... it revolved completely around that assault. Something that happened over a decade before and left me incredibly insecure and with a whole lot of issues I didn't even realize I had.  Because I never dealt with it when it happened. I tried to... a little bit. But it was too much. So I swept it under the rug and pretended it never happened. I stuffed my face, gained a bunch of weight and made sure I kept everyone away from me. Perfect solution, right?  So there I was, 20, 21 and trying to date for the first time and completely freaking out over problems that should have been taken care of 10 years before.

I would prefer to not drag this out over the next decade. I don't want to be like Matt. I don't want to be the creepy guy, pretending I wasn't in a serious relationship with someone for a year and a half that was hugely traumatic. I want to deal with it, take care of it and be okay. There is only one way to do that.

And it isn't pretty.

I'm sorry if you don't like it. I'm sorry if you're sick of hearing about it. I appreciate you being here, but if you have to go... Okay. Go. Yeah, it's depressing around here. But that's how this stuff works! This is what you do! If I don't write it out here, where would you like me to put it? I write it, I say it,  so it doesn't stay in me.  If it stays in me, it boils up and consumes me and there's not any room for anything else. If I can get it out... file it away here... throw it in a bag with some dog crap and set it on fire... maybe I won't have to look at it again. Maybe it will go away. It took me a whole year to get angry and it was HARD. Really hard.

The Five Stages of Grief, referred to me over and over again by friends, psychiatrist, psychologists... the Kubler-Ross model may provide insight as to where I have been hanging out the last year. Can you guess?

(It was originally written for people dying but is currently considered applicable to anyone going through a catastrophic or traumatic event. The references here are to death.) 

1. Denial — "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
   Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of possessions and individuals that will be left behind after death.
2. Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?"
   Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy.
3. Bargaining — "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."
   The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just do something to buy more time..."
4. Depression — "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die soon so whats the point... What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"
   During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.
5. Acceptance — "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
   In this last stage, the individual begins to come to terms with her/his mortality or that of a loved one.

The last year I have spent in bed, with the covers over my head, in a deep depression, waiting basically for the world to end. (Probably hoping the world would end.) And then of course, the rest of the time, and more recently, in denial, bewilderment... How the f**** did this happen to me?

Just now, after a WHOLE YEAR of that hot mess, moving into anger, FINALLY, FINALLY getting pissed about this, I can't skip to Acceptance and be hunky dory about the whole damn thing.

I just caught this sentence from the "Depression" section. I LOVE it: "It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed."

I agree completely.  If you feel like crap, you want to keep feeling like crap. You just do. Someone trying to force a happy face on your poop-parade is just... upsetting. And invalidating. So, what exactly are you saying? This isn't a big deal? I should just "get over it?" If your husband died/child drowned/spouse left you, you would be up and ready to move on by now? So I should too?  That's your "stuff." That's not my "stuff."


A final thought:

Everywhere on this blog where I have ever said "Matt" or "therapy" or "investigation" or anything related to those topics... Replace ALL of it with... oh... woodworking. It's a hobby! Think of it as a HOBBY. Now, does that seem like too much time to be thinking or working on a hobby? Come 'on... We all have our hobbies, right? Doesn't seem that bad, now, right? Next time you see me... ask me how my woodworking is going. HA.

 As a disclaimer, because I know there will be a minimum of one person (just one?) who will read this and be incredibly angry, leave me a nasty comment and stop reading my blog... I appreciate everyone who can stand being my friend right now. I am sure I am incredibly exhausting, and depressing and needy. Who the freak would want to be friends with me right now? You all deserve a medal...But this is the hardest thing I have ever gone through, and all I know is what I know. And what I need is what I need. This is what I need and know. That's all I can say. It would be so much worse if you left me but I can't do anything different than what I'm doing. Because it's the right thing for me. And I know that. I know it.