#1 I am breaking out in hives.
#2 I keep finding approximately inch long white hairs growing out of the top of my head. WHAT? An inch implies new growth, which implies that it is some sort of stress factor related to all of this. So are you telling me I am going to be some balding white haired lady before I'm 30? Are you KIDDING me?
#3 I went to the anxiety class; I had them bill me. I'm not going to go to the depression support group. Of course the second I typed that I now feel overwhelemed with anxiety about not going and I don't know if I can handle not going even though I can't afford it and AHHHHH.
#4 I started wondering today (well it's 330am so I guess yesterday) whether I had betrayed Matt because I went and told his wife when I found out instead of going to him to discuss it and talk about it with him. Did I betray our relationship by doing that? Suddenly I feel like I"ve done something wrong, like I wronged him, like maybe he is angry with me. It made me upset. My thinking is probably convaluted but it made me upset to think about that.
#5 Some man tried to approach me on the street while I was trying to look at a flyer for a house and wouldn't leave me alone. There was probably nothing wrong with him, but I couldn't bear to look up at him and just kept looking at the paper and trying to walk away and make him go away. I don't know what to do. I don't want them to talk to me. I don't want MEN to talk to me. I want them to go away. They scare me, they make me anxious, I'm afraid they are going to do something to me, I'm afraid they are going to hurt me and I want to run away and cry when they approach me but that makes me a crazy person so I have to find something else to do, so what do I do???
#6 Allison, my friend, assigned me the homework of inspecting some random man's shoes in my anxiety class as some sort of desensitizing exercise. I got there late and ended up sitting by the door so while I was staring at the floor, per usual, I got to check out everyone's shoes when they came in. I think I saw work boots and blue flip flops and some nasty old man's bare feet again. Am I cured now?
I want to SCREAM and THROW THINGS I am so frustrated!
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2 comments:
I told you that you would see some gross feet! I'm glad you at least tried it Em, I just thought it might give you a sense of control over some part of it.
Per our conversation yesterday, you did the right thing by going to his house. You did not betray anything, he is the one who did the betraying. I know it's hard to do, but please try to remember that. You were wronged, not him. He understood the consequences of his actions long before you had any idea what was really going on. Please refer to your John Tucker Must Die post, second paragraph if you need to confirm you did nothing wrong.
keep breathing! and don't worry, if your hair turns white, you can dye gold streaks into it to match the kitties! :-}
and when i say he did the betraying, i mean you were betrayed. -al
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